“The distinction between the past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.” ~Albert Einstein
One morning I woke up inexplicably sad. I sat on my bed trying to make sense of how I felt and what could be behind it. Intuitively, I grabbed one of the many books lying on my night table and opened it in a random place.
What I had in my hands was A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle, and the chapter was called “Breaking Free.”
Tolle explains how we tend to be unconsciously engaged in stories from the past and habitual thoughts about them, and how we avoid the feelings associated with them.
Avoiding uncomfortable feelings instead of allowing them to wound us is not the answer, Tolle warns us; emotion is a response to what is happening in the mind.
Our ego clings to false stories that create fear, anger, jealousy, and other emotional responses because it feeds on the past and future for its existence.
The best thing we can do to reduce the impact of these emotions is acknowledge them.
Uncomfortable emotions bring the precious gift of making us aware that we’re trapped in thoughts, beliefs, stories, and old interpretations of ourselves. By being present with our emotions, we can break our identification with them and release the past.
Reminded once more that every emotion is a messenger of something else that’s running deeper, I allowed my sadness to just “be.”
I could see how my past beliefs of being unwanted, undeserving, and punished were dominating the scene. I was living a past story as if it were happening today with an intensity that surprised me.
I realized then that the stories we tell ourselves are a mixture of “old emotions” and experiences we have come to feel as our identity.
“The Unwanted Me” is a personal story that has pervaded my life for too long, making me feel terrified about showing what I have to offer and taking pertinent actions.
From an early age I felt that I was somehow “different.” My environment was one of noisy activities—hanging out, watching TV, or playing video games—while I enjoyed reading, silence, nature, learning, being by myself, and engaging in artistic or volunteering activities.
I was an extroverted introvert; I loved to talk about things I was passionate about, and others mocked me for this.
The rejection made me disappear into a very rich but lonely inner world. As I grew up, I developed an inquisitive mind and artistic tendencies, which seemed to aggravate and scare my relatives and acquaintances even more than my “nerdy” style.
How could I feel so inspired and touched by things that drove others nuts? The battle to correct and bring back on track this lost sheep became so fierce and devastating that it ended with me having to leave home to be able to pursue my dreams.
Finding my way to who I was included not only being homeless and broke, but also feeling enormous amounts of guilt and shame for the disappointment and pain I was causing my loved ones by doing the “wrong things.”
It took a lot of hard work to get where I am now. Long nights filled with doubts about my abilities and choices made the call for becoming an artist a painful one.
The pleasure and wonder I felt for the arts became tainted by the belief that there was something inherently wrong with me and I was being punished for challenging traditional points of view.
What I understand today is that I was struggling not only with the “real” day-to-day challenges, but also with this invisible past story silently sabotaging my efforts. This is the reason why I feel so tired and frustrated sometimes.
I have actually enjoyed the benefit of having good people in my life and even recognition; but because I was unaware of a hidden script running the show, it took me loads of effort to believe people actually appreciated me for my qualities instead of pitying me.
I felt left alone many times in my life, which was both the result of the old pattern of being unwanted and punished and the fuel that kept the pattern going.
I know better now than to let the old story run wild instead of building the one I want to live. Whenever I feel this way again I can ask myself: Who is speaking? Is it the real me, or my old “unhappy,” “unwanted,” “unworthy” (fill the blank) story?
Knowing what story we are telling ourselves helps us learn, little by little, to trust life and build the sense of self-worth we need to succeed and be fulfilled.
About Mercedes Calcano
Mercedes Calcano believes in the alchemical power of the arts to bring the extraordinary into the ordinary. An ambassador for meaning and beauty, Mercedes is committed to ease the way for others to allow magic and possibility to shape their experiences through her programs Simply Drawing Life and ARTLeads-U.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 