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10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me)

Different People

“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

At seventeen I had it all. I made straight As, was the vice president of the Honor Society, held two jobs, took the lead in four community theater performances, and joined Donnie Osmond onstage as part of the children’s chorus in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

I was busy. I did things well. I got attention. I was ready to snap.

I was so hungry for success and approval I’d do anything to get it, even if it meant exhausting and dehydrating myself straight to the ER.

What’s worse, I was continually dissatisfied with everything I did. I was my own punching bag.

Thirteen years later I don’t do nearly as much. I don’t take any classes. I don’t work much at the moment. I don’t perform anymore. On the other side of overexertion, I’ve still beaten myself up.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up—there’s something wrong with me.

I live across the country from my family and haven’t justified it by becoming a massive success—there’s something wrong with me.

I’m obsessed with self-improvement, but I’m still not perfect—there’s something wrong with me.

Stop. Revelation. Cue the spotlight: There’s nothing wrong with me.

And there’s nothing wrong with you.

Here’s how I know both of these statements are true:

1. You’re playing the game of life as best you know how and trying to get better every day.

You can’t possibly do someone else’s best, so there’s no point in stressing about it.

2. You make mistakes like everyone else, which allows you to learn as you go.

That means you’re doing what you should be.

3. You’re unique, whether you’re introverted or outgoing, book smart or street smart, creative or technical…

…the list goes on and on. You’re the world’s only opportunity to know a person just like you. The only hope to share what only you can.

4. There’s no such thing as the way you should be.

If you do what you enjoy and don’t harm other people, you’re living a beautiful life.

5. You will never become someone—you are someone right now…

…whether you influence millions of people or mean the world to just one person. Your impact is powerful, whether you realize it or not.

6. If someone hurts you, you don’t deserve it.

No one does. End of conversation.

7. You feel emotions and respond to them.

That’s the way this whole humanity things works. If you could stand to improve the way you respond, newsflash: everyone could.

8. You have a pulse right now, and it’s your choice what you do with it.

There’s no right or wrong answer. (Unless what you want is to maim a puppy or something equally perverse.)

9. You choose what you think is best, or else you wouldn’t choose it.

As you get new information and grow stronger and smarter, you’ll make different choices.

10. You are beautiful, inside and out.

I’ve printed this out and put it in my nightstand where I can read it when I get hard on myself. I hope it gives you comfort when you start thinking there’s a good reason to not enjoy right now.

Photo credit

About Lori Deschene

Tiny Buddha Founder Lori Deschene is the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook seriesTiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself, and Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life's Hard Questions. She's also co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an eCourse that helps you change your life. For inspiring posts and wisdom quotes, follow on Twitter & Facebook.

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  • http://positivelypresent.typepad.com positivelypresent

    Lori, it's awesome to see you over here at Tiny Buddha! This is a really great post and #10 is just awesome. SO true. I'm going to print it out too and keep it as a reminder.

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  • http://twitter.com/joshcanhelp joshcanhelp

    So true and yet so easy to forget

  • LifeRevisited

    I'm going to be misunderstood when I say this, but maiming a puppy is equally as right as donating to a charity, at least as the universe sees it. What I mean is that we as human beings decide what we think is right and wrong, but there are no overarching rules that say what we can and can't do. It is simply our choice and, luckily, I think more and more people are choosing “good.”
    Part of the game of life, I think, is realizing that we can do whatever we choose, and others can do what they like. By labeling an action “perverse” we are assuming we know what is right, better than anybody else. Rather than pass judgement I think it's best that we simply make enlightened decisions with the knowledge we have. Other than that, loved the post.

  • dkmontreal

    Superb article. Second-person address a good style choice!

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  • Justintwiterlan

    ……the Lord told me this, a few years ago. “How many times have you fallen”? “How many times were you decieved”? “How Many times have you been on your knees Sobbing”? “Before You come to your knees and worshipped me? Conclusion; God is at the Heart of each & every adversity that comes your way. He loves you perfectly. for you are fashioned perfectly likened to the apple of his eye. Personally I think you are the most unique,wonderful,caring,open,caring, and giving soul! There couldnt Be a Better YOU!!! thanks

  • http://www.thehappyself.com Dayne | TheHappySelf.com

    I really loved this post (and blog by the way!)…

    There’s no such thing as the way you should be.

    I could agree more!

    Cheers,
    Dayne

  • http://twitter.com/BeMeaningful Lori Deschene

    Dani~ Thank you! I loved your posts on here, as well, and am always excited to see what you have to say =)

    Josh~ I hear that. I'm a perfectionist, and it's draining. I'm working hard to remember these ideas when I start slipping away from the present moment.

    Life~ I see your point, and I agree with you about judgment. I was somewhat making a joke, but also clarifying I don't condone certain choices. From my vantage point, harming others is never a good choice.

    dkmontreal~ Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

    Justin~ Beautiful words and a wonderful compliment. Thank you so very much =)

  • http://twitter.com/BeMeaningful Lori Deschene

    I guess it's true that great minds think alike! Have a wonderful rest of the day =)

  • minimalisticpoet

    thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/LifeExcursion David Damron

    I think the best part of life is striving for more and more success. This may differ from you, but I think that drive pushes all of us to achieve what we want. In many cases though, we let small things affect our major goal. Leans, credit cards, debt in general prevent us from reaching such. I agree that enjoying and appreciating all we have accomplished is great. But the strive for more is what drives me.

    Whatcha think?

    Dave
    LifeExcursion

  • http://twitter.com/mathatton Mat Hatton

    I'm not sure if this is entirely true… your suggestion of universal equivalence might be correct (maiming and donations are both actions, after all), and I'm all for tolerance and large measures of freedom, but I would argue that there are some overarching rules to which humanity as a collective actively subscribes and adheres when they form a society.

    For example, in this sense the term “perverse” is accurate. As a society we've determined that maiming puppies is wrong and is to be frowned upon. Think of it as a condition that must be upheld in order for you to keep your citizenship. Fail to curb your puppy-maiming tendencies? You lose your spot in the collective.

    If we weren't social creatures who largely depend on one another to survive I'd be all for this “do as you will and I'll do the same” thing, but the bottom line is that if everyone acted according to their moral and ethical compass (which some people may sadly be lacking, though they might believe otherwise), life would be a complete mess. Overarching rules are integral to our survival, and really, some enlightened decisions aren't always made in the best of light.

  • http://twitter.com/BeMeaningful Lori Deschene

    I think you bring up a great point about striving.

    There was an episode of House in which one of the doctors had a near-death experience. For a couple weeks after that, he was so happy to be alive he didn't let anything else concern him. This narrow focus on the single fact that he wasn't dead made him far less effective in his job. It also robbed him of his personality, somewhat.

    My feeling now is that striving and struggling are not bad things. Wanting and pursuing things helps us learn, grow, form relationships, and make contributions to society.

    I just think it's a lot healthier when you strive from a place of happiness–not toward a place of happiness. In other words, push yourself because you love yourself; not because you don't.

  • LifeRevisited

    I wasn't speaking in terms of societal or even “human” rules, but rather spiritual rules. It is my belief (and I'm not the only one) that in the “game” of life, all actions are equally valid. If Joe shoots John, the Universe (life, god, spirit, etc) would not view that action as “wrong.” We are spiritual beings having a human experience. As human beings, we have created rules and formed moral and ethical standards, but they don't necessarily have anything to do with a higher law. I believe that as we become more enlightened as a group, fewer and fewer “wrongs” will be committed because we will actively choose to act out of love for one another.

    I guess my point could be summed up like this: Hitler did not go to hell. What he did I would never advocate and I personally find what he did to be terrible, but it doesn't mean that he was “wrong” and that on a grander scale did anything wrong. Passing judgement only keeps us from staying in the present moment and we miss out on spiritual growth.

    I hope this makes a little more sense, but I'm a bit rushed at the moment so I'm writing this rather quickly.

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  • http://twitter.com/mathatton Mat Hatton

    I can't really respond to a spiritual position, as I only have my past and present human experience as a guide, and can make no predictions as to my future… I suppose our positions are matters of definition… I consider this present moment my existence and am in no place to speculate about some higher, universal being or existence beyond my ability to conceive. Actions on earth are of consequence and importance to me, so in terms of Hitler I can unequivocally say he was wrong, as I would say it was wrong of Joe to shoot John, whereas I suppose by your position you find their actions reprehensible but in the spiritual sense I suppose the “conscious universe” might not feel the same, or have any position about it at all.

    I'll leave it at that. Interesting discussion though! :)

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  • http://www.earthtogert.com/ jane miller

    wonderful- thank you :)

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  • Uldis Plotins

    sdfsdfsdfsdf

  • http://twitter.com/glove1111 G.love

    great post! <3 thank you.

  • http://literarybonanza.blogspot.com/ Amritbir Kaur

    Brilliant !!! I don't have enough words to express my feelings…Thanks for making me realize that there is nothing wrong with me…now i feel i am just like anyone else

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  • cinerina

    ….holy crap. it can't be that simple, can it? Me too.
    THANK YOU.

  • Nan Clause

    Excellent post!

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  • KK

    I really enjoyed this article cuz I am MY own punching bag as well :/ We can ALL take this advice and love ourselves more unconditionally. Especially me, I need to stop the dissatisfaction with my own imperfections, I am me, and if I”M not me, there is no one to be me.

  • KK

    I thought it's right, it doesn't matter to any of the substances of the universe whether a puppy is being torn apart or not, whole galaxies get torn apart and that's not wrong, its natural and occurs somewhere in the universe all the time. Besides, if a puppy was ALL you had to eat,its def not wrong to cook it up to survive.

  • KK

    I really enjoyed this article cuz I am MY own punching bag as well :/ We can ALL take this advice and love ourselves more unconditionally. Especially me, I need to stop the dissatisfaction with my own imperfections, I am me, and if I”M not me, there is no one to be me.

  • KK

    I thought it's right, it doesn't matter to any of the substances of the universe whether a puppy is being torn apart or not, whole galaxies get torn apart and that's not wrong, its natural and occurs somewhere in the universe all the time. Besides, if a puppy was ALL you had to eat,its def not wrong to cook it up to survive.

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  • A kid

    nice

  • Jaclyn Reynolds

    I love the message here and it's a great reminder for us all.

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  • acgrrrl

    This article is really well-written! I really love the insight and inspiration your blog gives to its readers!

    * Permission to repost your list, please. :)

  • emelysma

    Hey there Tina Buddha, oops I mean Lori-

    GREAT post!! Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom!! I'm with positively present….these pearls need to be kept close to my heart….easily accessible for reminding me, and those in my life, about whom I care, who need reminding sometimes.

    Thanks again!!

  • emelysma

    Wonderful post!! I plan to, like postively present, print these pearls and keep them close and easily accessible to remind myself and share with others who seem as if they could benefit

  • http://twitter.com/MarinaGiordano MarinaGiordano

    Great post. Good luck to u !

  • http://handpecked.blogspot.com/ debb

    thank you.

    when i was young i overachieved until i was still volunteering/maintaining gpa/cramming tests with kidney infection. now in real world i did not learn my lesson and kept climbing the corproate ladder till i got a stomach ulcer and destroyed personal relationships.

    now i think i'm ok with not being labeled as ambitious and yknow what? i'm a much happier person for it.

    it feels so good to have someone else validate what i have been telling myself to feel better though =)

  • ChinaJade

    “…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
    You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
    Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
    And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul…”

    Section from the poem 'Desiderata'.

  • http://mojaam.tumblr.com mojaam

    Such feel good words… even if temporary. Only have problem with #3 and #7 kind of contradicting each other or maybe I'm reading it wrong.

  • nsd

    I'm going to have to disagree with #6- NO ONE deserves to be hurt? What about pedophiles, serial murderers, rapists, and other people of that nature?

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  • Barbara Harrington

    You are beutiful inside and out to all my friends…. Love ya, Barbara

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  • Bets

    “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
    Margaret Mead

    .. supposedly from a commencement address! So perfect.

    I am enjoying the discovery of your website young Lori Deschene

  • http://booksonsteroids.blogspot.com/ Irina

    You are totally right by saying that there is nothing wrong with us because we are unique individuals and should stay away from comparing ourselves with others.
    Thanks for your article.

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  • Joshua Perry

    I just have to say. What you say in this piece can be detrimental and misleading to some. For example: someone who suffers from a psychiatric condition who is told that there is nothing wrong with them will not have a positive outcome from this advice. They are more likely to feel confused, angry, and mislead. You mean well, but don’t think that your wisdom is perfect. I mean, yes, every human being is perfect and complete. As someone who is afflicted by very real and intangible psychological problems, your advice is destructive to me. It is the epitome of why you can never understand what it feels like to be me. The same is true in reverse. I consider myself a buddhist, but I do not believe there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s things I’d like to change but am entirely unable. If I could change these things it would mean the difference between killing myself someday without really wanting to, and realizing my greatest potential. I realize as well that this potential can be realized in spite of what afflicts me, however, I don’t agree that all people necessarily become smarter or learn from their mistakes. There’s something wrong with me. I consider myself a buddhist, but there is definitely something wrong with me. I know where I stand on a lot of issues, but I have a morbid fascination with death, especially painful death. It gives me a sick pleasure. This is something wrong with me. I think what you are really trying to preach is self-acceptance. I would revise what you are saying as: “There are many things wrong with me, and I need to accept all these things as a part of me.”

    Don’t cling to universal axioms that lead to delusional optimism. There isn’t only a positive outlook, there’s also a negative one. The two work in balance. I think you understand this, but your ten points are oversimplified and misdirecting. I offer you this criticism with respect, as I see you wrote the article from a place of human empathy.

    Joshua

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Joshua~

    I agree with you–my wisdom is never perfect. It is just my perception.

    I appreciate your perspective and I can see where you’re coming from. I see things a little differently, but I respect your opinion nonetheless.

    I’m all for realistic thinking. I don’t think it’s healthy to pretend everything is perfect when it’s not. I do, however, think the things we tell ourselves can be detrimental. And telling yourself something is wrong you is more apt to exacerbate negative thoughts and feelings than inspire positive ones.

    I am fully aware that I am imperfect, that I have flaws, and that I have made horrible mistakes in my time. I have seen myself spiral into destructive thoughts and patterns so damaging that I hesitate to even share them on my site. That being said, I still fully believe there is nothing “wrong” with me because there is no such thing as “right.” There is no opposite to who I am. There is no way I should be–there is just what I am. And there’s what I will become if I let myself.

    I did write this from a place of empathy, and I feel for you. I got the sense from what you wrote that you feel a lot of pain and shame. If I could take away those feelings so you don’t have to carry them around I would, because I know what a burden they can be.

    I hope you cut yourself some slack. Psychological problems or not, you don’t deserve to feel as though you are somehow inferior to anyone else. You don’t deserve to feel guilty for being who you are.

    One last thought: At one of the lowest points in my life, I thanked someone who stood by me for loving me for everything I am, not in spite of everything I am. All those things I previously thought were wrong with me were actually right in his eyes. The things I chose to do–those may not have been the best choices. But who I was and who I am, to a lot of people, is beautiful. I am sure it’s the same for you.

    Lori

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  • Josh

    Thanks, I needed this =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. =)

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  • http://twitter.com/CHANDRAKANTHA Jeevan/Mr.Gupt/Jolly

    hey there Lori,
                 
                     You know after reading this article, I was pretty surprised to know that you are still someone who goes through similar doubts & questions as you have described about yourself in the past & in this article.  Until reading this article , I thought you were someone who has completely figured it all out & recovered from your past traumas, after a decade of trial & errors as u have said about yourself previously.  I used to wonder whether it was ever possible for me to just completely recover from all the demons i’ve had to face in the past & just move on with my life as if talking about those experiences someday would be like telling a fairy tale story.  But, after reading this article, this gives me a perspective that I might never completely recover from my traumas & have no doubts like today..but that it is quite normal & with small steps I can always try to makes things better…& yes, “IT DOES GIVES ME A GREAT DEAL OF COMFORT TO KNOW THAT THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME NOT ENJOY LIVING IN THIS MOMENT…” Thank you so much…!

                                                                                     

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jeevan,

    I think that’s a common misconception, actually, but yes–I do still have doubts and insecurities! Granted, I wrote this article two years ago, so some of these particular doubts and insecurities are less relevant now, but one thing I have tried to stress is that I am by no means an after picture. I’ve had some really dark lows in my life and a lot of demons. I’ve struggled a lot, and oftentimes because I made everything so hard on myself. I just clutched to pain so tightly.

    I still have certain tendencies that I need to work on releasing often. I still stress about ridiculous things, I still feel insecure, I still doubt my worth, I still re-live some memories I wish I could forget, I still worry about being judged, I’m still afraid of being hurt. The list is endless really. The only thing that has changed is that I’ve dramatically increased my ratio of happy to unhappy moments. Once upon a time, most of every day hurt. Now, I feel happy and free far more often than not. I sometimes forget that this is a victory, but it is.

    It’s not easy to get past certain traumas, and I think we often make it far more difficult on ourselves by thinking there should be a point in time when we completely let go and become new, healed, happy people. That’s a ton of pressure. It’s so much easier to take it moment to moment, and to realize that is enough.

    It sounds to me like you’re in a great place. I’m so glad this post gave you comfort. That’s why I run this site, and I’m just thrilled to know it helps. =)

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • sasalool

    Dear Lori,

    I know my comment is too late but I have just read your article and I have to say it’s amazing!!
    As if I’m reading about myself

    Actually I have always been feeling this way, and I have reached to this conclusion recently myself,, that I am already perfect. Once I believed in that I got this enormous energy and confidence which was supported by the people around me. I felt happy, content and loved for who I am

    Until a person came into my life, a person I really admired, respected and liked, she was new in the job and I helped her as much as I can, I thought of her as my little sister, I opened my heart to her and tried to be her friend. I liked her personality, she was sweet, friendly, cute, kind, warm, eloquent, knows how to express herself in a very simple, precise and funny and yet sophisticated way, and to be honest some of these qualities I wish I had them myself.
     
    But she hurt me, she actually said she doesn’t want my friendship. She made me look bad in some situations in front of people I like and some of her friends, I felt she stabbed me in the back and I let her.

    What’s worse is that she made me feel that she didn’t like the way I was behaving, she made me question myself, and my way of thinking, and I believed her 
    I even tried to change myself to the version that suits her

    But after all this, one year later, I am still her friend and I still like her as my little sister 
    I couldn’t help it, I overlooked so many of her mistakes, I forgave her on so many unforgivable things 
    Because for the last one year, she was going through really bad times, and I feel that I would be a jerk if I ended my friendship with her now
    I am trying to be the good samurai I guess, and to do the noble thing
    And actually she is a little different with me, her treatment to me is much better than before

    What I wanted to say is that I learnt once again that I am perfect just the way I am, I promised myself that I will be myself again, myself that I love and admire, and if she has a problem with that then I will end my friendship with her,

    I had to go through this to learn that , as I read recently, ” a first-rate version of yourself is better than a second rate version of someone else” , just be yourself, it’s that simple

    I just wish that I learnt this sooner

    Sorry for the long comment, but I just was being myself :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    LOL I’m glad you were being yourself. =) I love that quote…I think Judy Garland said it, actually. I love what you wrote about being perfect just the way you are. Beautiful. =)

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  • Jrjfuen

    so helpful! a beam of light while I reside in a deep hole that I’ve dug for myself. working on climbing out currently. :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this was helpful to you! =)

  • http://lovequote.us/ sweet love quote

    Thanks for sharing.. This is really nice sayings . All the sayings you have discussed are really true.

  • OMGUAgin

    Thank you so much for this beautiful post. Did what you suggested… I printed it & will be putting next to my bed, as a daily reminder of my worth. I’m just thankful I’m not alone on this issue. You have made my day brighter. Thank you again :o)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. And you are so not alone. =)

  • FOAD

    this was written by someone who has not experienced enough of life yet. I have not seen a single rule on this list of ten that is true yet

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Foad,

    How much is enough of life? And who defines what’s true? Just some questions that came to mind…

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • Kat

    Great article, serving as a great reminder to some of us who torture ourselves for absolutely no reason. I, too, have realized there was nothing ever really wrong with my life in the past, yet I always walked around as if under a dark cloud, comparing myself to others,but that was the way I was raised, unfortunately. Now, as an adult, I realize there is still nothing wrong with my life. I thought I made a big mistake once and regretted it to the point of being in despair, but that was not necessary.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you enjoyed my post Kat! I also used to dwell on regrets. One idea that’s really inspired me: “Never regret anything. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”

  • Mary

    Thank you for this lovely list, I read everyday to help me see the good! My husband of 18yeaars left me this January with three children for another married woman, no contact or support since then, he is only interested in holidays and fun with his new woman. Im trying to be posotive and see the good, I spent many years trying to help him see life would be better without alcohol but he ran off with the pub landlady as he said that I was a waste of space! I have three beautiful children and am now tryin g to get the confidence to get back into the workforce after being a stay at home mom for 20 years. Thanks for the lovely posts

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Mary,

    You’re most welcome. I can only imagine what this experience has been like for you. I’m really inspired by your strength and perspective.

    I’m glad this post was helpful to you!

    Lori

  • godessofdarkness

    i dont really belivie that everything is si peachy keen i feel weird all the time i watch weird things im obsessesd with the darkness ive convinced my mom to take me to a special school that only runs at night. im serioulsy crazy or something. im worried cuz my friends are starting to notice

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know I don’t know you, but I don’t think you’re crazy. It sounds like you may be dealing with some confusing feelings. Have you talked to your mom or anyone else about your interest in darkness and where it might come from?

  • Stephanie

    What Im wondering is what if someone is making you feel like theres something wrong with you?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Stephanie~ Can you expand? Is this person putting you down? Or are they calling you out on unhealthy choices? In what way does this person imply something’s wrong with you?

  • Fiona

    Thank you Lori, loved the list!

    ‘LifeRevisited’, I’m guessing you’ve read Neale Donald Walsch/Richard Bach, etc? (If you have, note how they – like most of the ‘New’ Age – twist and turn as and when it suits.) Anyway. It’s not the puppy’s choice to be maimed; so you are inflicting your ‘will’ on an unwilling, sentient creature (which would have loved you.) If you think that’s OK by the ‘Universe’, I think you may have misunderstood something … satanists are all for do what you like – they never mention the caveat: somebody else can then do what they want to you. Welcome to hell …

    By inflicting pain on another creature, or by calling everything OK with the ‘Universe’, you are also ‘assuming you know what is right’ – and you are obviously wrong. The person who loves the puppy will be right. Beings were made to live and love, grow and learn. If that didn’t happen, there would be no life here. Try living in a farming community, with no supermarkets, and then try doing as you wanted. Without help from others, you’d starve to death. I doubt you’d manage that, without going to them for help. And boy, would you then want them to help you, not do as the ‘satanists’ may ‘want’, and leave you to it … Living in filth, also, will have an immediate physical consequence …

    Wrongs have a consequence – eg pollution/tortured conscience, etc. If nobody ever ‘passes judgement’ – ie says ‘rape, murder, bullying, torture’ are WRONG; how is the abuser ever going to learn? in your relative hell?
    I’ll take the ‘Golden Rule’ any day … and also note how the ‘New’ Age try to change that, any which way they can …

    Maiming a puppy (or anything else) is wrong because the puppy is a living, breathing creature that can feel pain. Wait until somebody maims you, with absolute coldness, and then tell us it’s all relative to us ….also, how can you then define ‘good’, if everything’s ‘all right’ to the ‘Universe’?
    I’m all for forgiveness; but absolute relativism is an argument for hell on Earth …

  • Fiona

    Thanks Lori, loved the list …

    ‘LifeRevisited’, I’m guessing you’ve read Neale Donald Walsch/Richard Bach, etc? (If you have, note how they – like most of the New Age – twist and turn as and when it suits.) Anyway. It’s not the puppy’s choice to be maimed; so you are inflicting your ‘will’ on an unwilling, sentient creature (which would have loved you.) If you thing that’s OK by the ‘Universe’, I think you may have misunderstood something … satanists are all for do what you like – the caveat; someone else can then do what they like to you. Welcome to hell …

    By inflicting pain on another creature, or by calling everything OK with the ‘Universe’, you are also ‘assuming you know what is right’ – and you are obviously wrong. The person who loves the puppy will be right. Beings were made to live and love, grow and learn. If that didn’t happen, there would be no life here. Try living in a farming community, with no supermarkets, and then try doing as you wanted. Without help from others, you’d starve to death. I doubt you’d do that, without going to them for help. And oh boy! would you then want them to help you, not do as the ‘satanists’ may want, and leave you to die … Living in filth, also, will have an immediate physical consequence ..

    Wrongs have a consequence – eg pollution/tortured conscience, etc. If nobody ever ‘passes judgement’ – ie says ‘Rape, murder, torture, bullying, paedophilia’, are WRONG; how is the abuser ever going to learn? in your relative hell?

    I’ll take the Golden Rule any day – and note how the New Age try to change that, any which way they can ..

    Maiming a puppy (or anything else) is wrong because the puppy is a living, breathing creature that can feel pain. It’s also wrong because it’s wrong for you – bad for you. (Should someone maim you, with absolute coldness, I doubt you’d be saying it’s all relative …!) Also – how can you go on to define ‘good’ if you say there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to the ‘Universe’?

    I’m all for forgiveness, but absolute relativism is an argument for hell on Earth …

  • Cheek

    What if there really is something wrong?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    How are you defining wrong? I was referring to the judgments we make about ourselves based on the belief that we’re not good enough or fundamentally lacking.

  • Metallokithara

    This is a beautiful piece… and its simplicity further adds grace to it… Thank you very much for writing it.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, and thank you. =)

  • anonymous

    wow, thanks needed that, was feeling really down because just about everyone I know thinks up one word to describe me – annoying.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad this was helpful. What makes you think that everyone who knows you would describe you as annoying? I know I don’t know you personally, but I suspect that may not be the case!

  • John

    Joshua,

    You’re missing the Big Picture. You need to step back a few feet
    and get rid of the magnifying glass.

    What this post is really saying is that there is “nothing wrong” with your
    capability to solve your psychological condition. Maybe a psychotherapist or psychiatrist might have to assist you or suggest things, but you, with their help, can solve it.

    There is “nothing wrong with you” to find the solution. Deep inside, or ultimately, you are perfectly capable of finding, getting help, and doing the hard work to relieve yourself of whatever morbid feelings you have.

    You have a problem, but there is no fatal flaw preventing you from getting better. This is what I believe this post is saying. By saying “there is something wrong with me” you are perpetuating the problem.

    If you broke a leg, would you say “there is something wrong with me”? Of course not! You would get a doctor to fix it. Like your morbid feelings, you would have a painful, real, problem. But you wouldn’t say “there is something wrong with me”.

    There is nothing wrong with you Joshua. You have several severe psychological “problems”. But you are perfectly capabile of solving them (maybe with help).

    This isn’t “delusional optimism”. You are saying to yourself “I have a very difficult problem”. “I am capable of solving it when I get the answer”. You are still talking about reality—you have a problem. But now you feel capable to solve it.

    Joshua, please NEVER SAY “There is something wrong with me”. Say instead, “I am capable. I am capable. I am capable.”. “What’s the answer?” “What’s the answer?” What’s the answer?”. Good luck.

  • sssaaaaa

    @LifeRevisited:disqus Universe doesn’t think anything about it because universe is not a being with a subjective conciousness.
    However, we all are, and therefore we have cultural values that we all hold dear. Most of these are based in firm (human) logic.
    Such as the golden rule of doing onto others what you would have them do onto you.
    But without passing judgement we will let people hurt others, so therefore it is important to take a stand against wrongful action, and promote right action.

  • L?????

    They deserve to answer for their crimes and to be punished fairly according to the nature of the crime and the laws under which they live. Someone harms or wrongs someone else, then the law will deal with them once they are found guilty.
    Yeah, I know many people get away with things like that and they get out scot free sometimes and their sentences reduced but that is not up to those not in authority and lacking proper knowledge and with judgment skewed by emotional connections to decide.
    Retribution can easily become disproportionate should we become the ones who make such decisions and then what kind of monsters will we become? We have to be better than the torturer or the bully but that doesn’t mean they have to get away with or without a slap on the wrist.

  • TM

    Thanks Lori, that was a wonderful addition to my day!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! =)

  • teddybowties

    I have written this right here, on the fly for you.

    -for joshua-

    I walk that place
    Called might not go
    It is the darkness
    In the snow
    The pits, the falls,
    A foggy maze
    They trip you up
    They steal your days
    but I have found
    That to accept
    Their presence there
    Beside your step
    Is best for me
    To know them well
    To name them
    We
    To walk with them
    To give them truck
    not only when
    You’re in the muck
    Look, too at them
    When sunlight shines
    And one day soon
    Behind those eyes
    Will be a hand
    To hold in yours
    So find the hands
    And hold the eyes
    Don’t raise your sword
    Against the lies
    Admit their presence
    In the fog
    And stand with them
    Against the smog
    Together, one
    The night, the sun
    I found this helps me
    Every one

    I have asperger’s, adhd, dyspraxia, probably misophonia, definitely congitive deficit nad executive function issues… I used to think I was evil and bad…

    But no more. Because i found them, and I continue to do so. I reach, into the slot, and I find them. They are there, waiting for the hand of your acceptance.

    All the parts of you. Think of it as psychological alchemy, the marriage of the sun and moon… the azoth and alkahest… turned again and again into itself, onto itself, like a merkabah… facets of a diamond, reflecting each other. The nigredo, the albedo, the rubedo…

    At least, that worked for me.

    ;) best wishes to everyone here. sometimes these posts really help me remember to stick my hand back in the slot again.

    ;)you will abide, Joshua. you will abide. Even if the darkness comes, it is for you and it is yours. wade into it. walk through it. And remember your elvish sword. it glows blue in the presence of grues. ;)

  • Akhil

    thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Gabriel Barros

    I don’t believe in LifeRevisited’s spiritual definition, but you can see it as the knowledge and consciousness of the whole humanity.
    Think about how it changes, what is and what was the women position in society…
    What is the results of continuos judgement of Hitler in 500 years from now?
    But, instead of that , what is the result of continuous reflections of what lead a nation to empower a Hitler ? It should not take 500years to make effect…

  • CruciallyInquisitive

    What if you want to hurt someone back if they hurt you, so they know what it feels like? Does that also mean nothing is wrong with you?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think this is actually a common feeling. A lot of people feel an instinctive desire to get revenge when someone has hurt them. Acting on it is a different story. But even then, I personally don’t think it would mean there’s “something wrong” with someone for intentionally hurting someone else. It would just mean they made a poor decision in response to their pain.

  • Michelle Raiford

    For the past few years, I have worked very part time and have spent much of my time in my house. I have friends, a husband, two dogs and a life with which I am reasonably content. Like you, I used to be an overachiever. I burned out. Now though, I am the complete opposite. I don’t want challenge or adversity. I just want to be and yet I feel so guilty about that. Thank you for writing this. It was exactly what I needed right now.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’e most welcome, Michelle. I know what you mean about the guilt. It’s so engrained in us to do, do, do. Here’s to letting ourselves be and knowing we deserve to feel at peace!

  • leanne

    Thank you so much :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • Nichole T.

    Thank you for this. I battle low self esteem and insecurity for the Classic Freudian reason of having an overly critical father. It’s hard for me to accept myself, give myself the best or interact with the man I love without a constant fear of disappointing him or losing him. It’s something that I’m working on every day and articles like this help tremendously. Thanks again!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Nichole. I know what it’s like to worry about losing people; it’s stressful and exhausting! I’m glad this was helpful to you. :)

  • Art

    Without taking any side in this…maiming puppy is wrong, but not because the society says so. First question after I read Mat’s contribution about forming society was: “Can I check out from these social rules without being punished?” After all I was never there to agree on these rules in the first place. So I am forced to follow rules I never had a freedom of choice to agree upon…Second: Maiming puppy will ultimately lead to the perpetruator’s unhappiness…that is the punishment. Society does not need to lay more judgements or punishments on the person, because the person is already being punished by his own judgement…his own feelings about himself, his self-concept that inevitably every one of us forms on the past experiences in our lives…Yes, we can speculate where is the line of acceptability of human’s deeds…on the other hand my experience is that when a person suffers too much, feels anger, shame, guilt or fear, then it the least we can do is not to add to it by judging that person and instead to try to understand them…Many crimes are commited just because of judgement being layed upon a person since their infancy by their parents, friends, social groups and casts…because of the color of their skin, origin, sex, education status, age, achievements…etc…By judging anybody against social rules the one never agreed upon following we do not perform a good service for that person and ultimatelly not to the world that we fill with judged people…

  • carol

    Yes ! you are right, without any constant fear nobody can lose itself, thank you for nice article,

  • Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • Mellie

    I don’t know if you’ve heard about the Enneagram of Personality, if not I think you would find interesting the description of Type 4 (The Individualist)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Mellie. I will check it out!

  • http://JESUSCHRISTad.ws/ kirk czuhai

    GOD always exists and is loving !!!!!!! rest assured you maim a puppy you can be forgiven but repentance after accepting the Grace is still necessary!!!!!!! http://hereitis.ws/puppylove.j…!!!!!!! Heaven or Hell WILL BE your eternal home !!!!!!! details: http://HeavenSense.ws !!!!!!! love and peace and Merry Christmas everyday !!!!!!! kirk

  • http://JESUSCHRISTad.ws/ kirk czuhai

    GOD always exists and is loving !!!!!!! rest assured you maim a puppy you cabe forgiven but repentance after accepting the Grace is still necessary!!!!!!! Heaven or Hell WILL BE your eternal home !!!!!!! details: http://HeavenSense.ws !!!!!!! love and peace and Merry Christmas everyday !!!!!!! kirk

  • frankism

    Of course we need to correctly describe what we mean by maim…..is sniping a dogs tail
    maiming him/her (I say yes) or what about cropping a dogs ears such as done a lot of times with Dobermans…this intentionally inflicts harm to the animal from which there are no perceived benefits to doing this and yet we as a society not only condone it, but we find it odd when we see a Doberman without cropped ears….

  • justmyopinion

    Lori, I was taught to believe (by a dysfunctional parent who was also an MSW) that if I felt annoyed, upset, or dissatisfied with someone or something, it was a reflection of what was wrong with me. Thus, if I felt *anything* other than happy, it was a reflection of my own lack of whatever. Now, I’m 55, and can’t even trust my own emotions, because every time I am upset or annoyed, I start dwelling on *why* I’m annoyed and what it is about *me* that can’t handle someone’s behavior. Then, I start wondering if I am annoying to others, and if they think the same about me. This keeps me in a never-ending spiral of anxiety and depression; I don’t think I trust my own emotions and (sometimes) my own reality, because I think I can’t possibly be as horrible as I must be if these things keep bothering me … does this make any sense to you? (because it just puts me in a fight or flight type of mood) …

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can so relate to what you wrote, as I dealt with something very similar. Do you meditate? I find that when I’m getting trapped in a self-defeating mental loop, listening to a guided meditation on self-compassion helps a great deal!

  • Anon

    I’m sorry, but I can’t agree with LifeRevisited. Life shouldn’t be about spreading misery or cruelty, I don’t give a flying **** if in the grand scheme of things and on a universal scale the decision that the decision would be equally right as an action to save a puppy. Even if it was a situation where all you had to eat was the puppy, the least you can do is end it’s life quickly. You’re taking it’s life to fuel your own, so you might as well be goddamn respectful.

  • Erik

    I’ve got to say, no. 7 only is a valid reason if in fact it’s true. I’d say I feel emotions, but don’t respond to them, and that is probably one of the underlying aspects to my sense of worthlessness/underconfidence.

  • Ashik Ahmed

    my peternal grandfather was stroke about a day before.he can’t walk,not eating hard foor,can’t controlled his body….please help me about..i am in dhaka,bangladesh.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened Ashik. How can I help?

  • gr8fulls

    I’m tearing up….this is my biggest struggle….convincing myself I’m enough.

  • Will

    #6 Comes off a bit lop sided in the terms of understanding our emotions

    “If someone hurts you, you don’t deserve it.
    No one does. End of conversation.”

    If someone does something or says something to us that we perceive as hurtful. It is only by accepting that as truth do we suffer. The word “deserve” brings entitlement and heightens our ego. If I am hurt, and I don’t deserve to be hurt, its saying I don’t deserve to suffer by holding onto such thoughts and emotions. If you bring a person into it as the cause of the hurt, “if someone hurts you” that’s not true (unless its physical, but still its the action or word of the person, not the person). When you say “if someone hurts you”, you are already at the conclusion that they’ve accepted “being hurt”. That is the symptom of acceptance. A clearer statement is “if you are hurt, understand you have a choice in the matter of suffering. No one needs to suffer, no one deserves to suffer.”

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Great point! Though I think that it’s human to struggle with our thoughts and emotions at times. After someone has been abused physically, emotionally, or sexually, they are going to go through a period of emotional pain. For some people it may be longer than others, but it’s inevitable, nonetheless.

    I add this because I recall a time when I felt guilty because I was causing myself suffering with my thoughts and emotions–which ironically, creates more suffering. When I am able to accept that there’s nothing wrong with me for having a reaction to someone else’s abusive actions, it’s much easier for me to heal.

    Still, I think it’s important to remember the power of perception and choice, and I appreciate that you added this to the conversation!

  • Guilherme Gomes

    I too am obcessed with self-improvement, but mainly out of fear, i cannot feel happy unless i surpass someone, for most of my life i thought of it as healthy competitivity, but it’s not, after thinking about it i realized that the reason i can’t smile if anyone is above me is because i am terrified that that person will take the cause of my hapiness away, or else, that no one would choose to make me happy if they can choose someone better, long story short, i have a deep unhealthy and uncontrollabe conviction that as long as i’m not the best, people better than me will take everything i love away, that led me to triyng to improve myself to the limit of exaution, i worked out and practiced 3 sports in order to have the perfect body, spoke 4 languages and learning 3 more so i could be interresting, played the guitar, the piano and singed, any grades at anything bellow A where met with a strong bite to myself to the point of bleeding, as a warning not to fail again, but no matter how much i tried, i still couldn’t get anyone to look at me, to even pay the slighest attention, i was working myself to the bone but i just hated myself more and more, i can say that the only reason i’m still here is because of my phobia of heights, and due to the fact that it’s extremely hard to get a gun where i lived, i don’t know what else to do, how can i be good so people won’t get tired of me?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about the fear you’ve experienced and the pain you’re in–and based on what you wrote at the end of your comment, I’m worried for you. Have you seriously considered taking your life, and have you shared this with anyone you’re close to?

    Also, have you ever seen a therapist? I saw a therapist in my younger years, and it was one of the best decisions I could have made. It helped me understand the misguided beliefs underneath my thoughts and actions, and that was key to changing them.

    If you were to see a therapist, it might help you focus less on being good so people won’t tire of you, and more on loving yourself and releasing the fear of inadequacy. It’s admittedly not easy to release deeply ingrained fears and beliefs, and it can take time, but it is possible to make significant progress if you get help.

    Incidentally, you may find some useful resources here:

    http://tinybuddha.com/helpful-free-resources/

    I hope this helps. You are in my thoughts!

    Lori