by Lori Deschene

Jumping for JoyThis may sound ironic coming from someone who blogs about the bright side of life, but I don’t think “just be positive” is a helpful suggestion. Don’t get me wrong–I believe in focusing on the good things in life. It’s just that I believe positive thinking is most effective when it’s hinged upon reality.

Allow me to explain.

It occurred to me one day that much of my unhappiness stemmed from the way I interpreted things I saw. It wasn’t just that I thought negatively; I actually saw negatively.

If a man held a door open for me, I clutched my purse; he was probably trying to steal it. If a friend forgot to congratulate me on a promotion, she was jealous and wanted me to fail. If a coworker offered to help me with something, she wanted to ride on my coattails.

I believed people were basically selfish and bad, and as a result, I saw proof everywhere.

One day I decided the problem was with me, not them. It wasn’t that I was seeing bad things; it was that I was seeking them. So I started thinking and seeing positively. The world was a beautiful place full of wonderful people who always meant well–people who would never hurt me.

Except that isn’t true either. Just because the world isn’t black that doesn’t mean it’s white.

The truth is the glass is both half-empty and half-full. The quickest path to feeling good involves understanding where the missing liquid went and opening your heart to fill it. Finding compassion for the worst in human behavior, and working to inspire the best.

If you’d like to change the way you interpret the world in front of you to understand negativity and inspire positivity, I recommend the following steps:

Point the Finger at You

Before you judge what someone else did, consider your state of mind. If you’re feeling edgy, anxious, sad, or angry, that will probably manifest in your interpretation. It may be accurate, regardless of the unrelated frustration you’re carrying around. But if you act then, you may channel all your annoyances into that one situation—particularly if you tend to stuff your feelings down.

Before you make an assessment, ask yourself: “What are my real feelings about what happened, what has to do with something else, and what can I do about that something else so it doesn’t continue to color my perceptions?

Black and White and ColorLook Beyond Actions

Most of the time we see what people do and respond before considering where that person was coming from. Empathizing isn’t just about being kind to someone who wasn’t kind to you. It’s actually a way of being good to yourself because understanding melts anger and bitterness—two feelings that fester inside and cause pain.

If you saw a child having a tantrum, you wouldn’t consider telling his mother she has an evil child. You’d wonder if the kid was overtired, or if he was dealing with hard times at home. Offer that same compassion to an adult and you’ll accomplish two things:

  • You’ll show them it’s OK to acknowledge their mistake because you aren’t planning to hurt them back. Self-awareness is the first step toward improvement—meaning they might not make that mistake again.
  • You call upon the law of reciprocity. In the future, they’ll be more apt to show you compassion, meaning they think before treating you thoughtlessly.

Relate

When someone does something hurtful it’s tempting to get righteous. Your tenant gives you a check that bounces—leaving you with insufficient funds for your bills—and all of a sudden you’re the world’s foremost authority on ethics and personal finance.

I’ve never once bounced a check in 20 years of banking. You shouldn’t be allowed a checkbook. How do you sleep at night?

Now get honest with yourself. Have you never made a mistake? Or let’s say the tenant bounced a check on purpose. Have you never done something you knew you shouldn’t do because you couldn’t come up with any alternatives?

Relating to someone doesn’t condone her behavior, but it allows you to see her as not so different from you—a good person who sometimes makes bad choices. Relating is easier on your heart than condemning.

Acknowledge Both Sides

You don’t have to pretend the world is all sunshine and roses, and people are 100 percent good. It’s not. And we’re not. None of us. We all have weaknesses. We all have selfish tendencies every now and then. We all make mistakes.

That coworker helping with your project, she may be trying to steal your idea. Probably because she feels hopeless, inadequate, and desperate—not because she’s a bad person—but nonetheless, she may be purposely putting you in a tough situation.

When you acknowledge this possibility, you give yourself the power to do three things: consider what’s going on with that person; offer compassion for the misguided thinking and underlying pain that motivated them; and protect yourself as necessary, without becoming bitter and angry.

In other words, recognize that people do bad things sometimes, but understand why so you simultaneously forgive their errors and protect yourself against them.

Weigh the Pros and Cons of Being Vulnerable

As a consequence of accepting that people sometimes make poor choices, you may want to put up a guard.  To keep relationships peripheral, and to hold back what you really think and feel. If you stay just a little cynical, you won’t get hurt as much, and you won’t become totally miserable and disillusioned.

That’s one way to protect yourself. It’s also a great way to kill the best part of yourself—the part that touches other people, and allows them to touch you.

Being vulnerable doesn’t have to mean being a victim. It could mean that on occasion. I know by opening my heart I may get hurt once in a while, but it’s worth it to experience the world with hope and wonder.

****

Reality isn’t perfect. Life is both wonderful and challenging. People are weak and strong. Possibilities are scary and empowering.

Think positively and see positively, but don’t ignore the negative. Instead try to understand it. When you empathize with someone, you have power to both touch their heart and protect yours from growing bitter.

Photo by watsoninelgin