Hello everyone,

first and foremost Id like to thank everyone who invests their precious time and energy into reading this post, even more so if they find time to respond. Second, I apologise for the length. I am so glad I can pour my heart out somewhere, since this is something I am extremely ashamed about and regret it very much. I think about it constantly, it makes me feel so worthless and extremely sad. I am hoping to find a new perspective and see it through someones else’s eyes, because I am spiraling.

TLDR: I regret my past sexual behaviour I did in my late teens/early 20s, now questioning what and if to tell my new boyfriend, if I deserve him and also how to deal with it myself.

I am currently 29 years old and have been seeing (and in a relationship with) an amazing man for about three months. It’s been amazing, I love him, he treats me like a princess.

When I was 19 years old, I left my home country to come to a better one, by myself, without speaking the language, without having any plans pretty much and any money. I hated everything about my starting situation (job, the shared flat etc) and because of that, I was just trying to enjoy life. I was “young, wild and free”, I went to a lot of parties, did a lot of drugs, slept with a lot of people (around 50). The worst part is, approximately 6 of them, I slept with for money. I was very immature, I didnt have any boundaries. I was hoping to save enough money to go to a private college to prove everyone how good I am (academically, and just having worth I guess). Somewhere between I also fell in love with one guy I thought I was in a relationship with but he was just playing with me. This contributed to me feeling like I was not a “relationship material”. This was more than 8 years ago.

My childhood: my father never cared about me. He would send the money court ordered him to, but he never really cared about me. My mom and her side of the family tried to compensate for everything and they are awesome. My mom later remarried but my step-father also had issues so it wasn’t ideal and I pretty much didnt have a male role model growing up. My fathers side of the family didnt care as much either, all they care about were academic achievements. When I told them I was leaving to another country instead of going to college right after high school, they were flabbergasted. I also ddidnt fullfill the beauty ideal in my country so I was always the third wheel, nobody wanted to kiss me etc. Never got the attention my girlfriends did.

At the age of 21, after the “wild” period, I turned my life around, got my life together, mastered the language, started studying at the age of 24 at a normal, good university and now I am almost done with my masters. I haven’t been to a party since, haven’t took any drugs, haven’t really been druknk and I don’t want to anyway. My life changed 180 degrees.

I then met my first real bf when I was 24 and he showed me what real love and a real healthy relationship was, he gently told me I was lacking self-love and suggested therapy which I did. It helped, now I do love myself more but apparently wasn’t enough. We broke up 2 years later due to completely different reasons, stayed friends, he’s an amazing person.

Fast forward to now, in February I met this amazing guy I mentioned earlier. He is a very normal person (not conservative, misogynist, super religious, etc), he’s very liberal etc. Yet I feel like I am not honest with him because I didnt share all this with him. We talked briefly about past relationships etc, I mentioned my ex, I mentioned I had a “wild phase” etc. He never questioned me, he never asked me about the number of people I slept with etc. During a completely unrelated conversation he mentioned he would not date a sex worker. Yet, I feel like he slept with less people, was less wild etc, just because of how gentle and nice he is.

I am so conflicted because the version of me that existed when I was 19-21 years old is a completely different person than now. It doesn’t have any bearing on our relationship per se. The stuff that you should normally let your partner know like crimes, kids, STDs, debts etc, none of that is my case. Yet, I am conflicted because a partner should know you, right? Especially if it gets serious, like engagement.

I am currently in therapy again for this (I just started). However, I did not mention the part where I had sex for money to my therapist. This is so heavy to me, regardless of the relationship I am currently in, but its definitely amplified by it. The worst part is, I know I am a good person (I donate money, I feed homeless, I volunteer for human rights, I treat everybody with compassion), yet I only think about this terrible thing when it comes to my past, my worth and judge myself by it. I also got Tara Brachs Radical Acceptance, hopefully that will help.

Concluding, I guess my questions are: 1. Do I have to tell him, or can I keep this part of my story to myself without it being unfair to him? 2. How do I deal with this for myself?

Thank you again for anyone reading this and anyone helping me. I appreciate you so so much.

M.