Laura,

I’m sorry for your continued suffering, and can understand why it is sometimes difficult to let go. When we open our heart to another, there is a vulnerability that arises as the walls are let down. Its natural to go a little crazy when we get scared our heartfelt warmth is unreturned or betrayed. The mind kicks and bucks, the body becomes stressed, agitated, fearful. All very natural, very normal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you two fell very quickly into a place of vulnerability, of love, which may be very storybook, but also problematic. As you’ve seen, prince charming isn’t all rainbows and love ballads, and the princess isn’t all ball gowns and laughter. There is a reality to our lives that challenges us to make the right decisions, to see things clearly, to accept each other as we are… not just lips and hips, but also the poop and grime.

That being said, consider the situation from a neutral side. You dug through his phone, found the friendly kindness that he gives to his ex, and became jealous and afraid. As those emotions arose, not only did they cloud your view of what was really there (him trying to stay in good graces, which is noble of him), but more destructively, it perhaps popped the fairy tale. When we fall fast and hard into love, a lot of the trust we have is in “the power of love” and the fairytale, not the actual man. What assurances did you have that he won’t cheat? Because Prince Charming doesn’t cheat? How well did you actually know this guy? How many of his words, his tender assurances, had you spoken for him?

So, consider the jealous rage, the “This is not how the story is supposed to go”, perhaps as though he broke something, crushed something precious of yours. Consider, however, that you broke the trust first by digging through his phone. Then, again when you fell into anger, jealousy, and rage, instead of trust, patience and curiosity. Said differently, you made the situation all about you, instead of having the space for him to be who he really is. Then, more anger that he didn’t want to try to enforce his boundaries with her while the Laura-firecracker was there!

Its great that you’re looking to find forgiveness, but I think you’re aiming at the wrong person. Perhaps you need to forgive yourself, dear sister, for accidently betraying the love you two were growing. First, by nosing in where you weren’t invited, and then, by being cold and fiery to his heart with what you found.

Imagine you’re sitting on a couch next to him, and you’re twenty days into knowing him. Suddenly, you get an itch, a desire to see beyond the curtain, and so you stick your finger in his nose to see what’s there. You feel a little chunk, pull it out, and then become enraged that he has brought such garbage to the home.

To let it go, consider a few different things about that situation. First, we all have baggage, difficulties, and oddities that require our unique heartfelt adaptations. Said differently, we all have texts, emails, interactions and so forth that challenge us to be kind and skillful. When you encounter those, either internally (your anger) or externally (his texts), consider trying to make space for them, open to them, accept them. Wipe the booger on a tissue and toss it out. For instance, “what a lucky woman I am to be in love with a man that is kind to people, and can set aside differences to bring love to children. And yet, that’s scary.. I better make sure his attentions on her a genuinely platonic.” Or, with the naughty pics, “he could choose to be with her, and he doesn’t… what luck to have a man whose heart is louder than his groin. And yet, I wasn’t there, so don’t know for sure what he said or did.” And so forth. When we do this, try to see what’s really there, or at least give space to find out more, our inner peace doesn’t unravel.

But sometimes, and perhaps here, it thrums across an insecurity, a piece of ourselves that becomes disturbed to see such things happen in our story. “How could he?!?” Or “Love sucks” or “I bet he wants to bang her.” and so forth. These come from our own baggage, our own nosing, and deserve to be let go of as well. Said differently, forgive yourself, as well, for losing faith in him, for mistrusting. It was a chance to bring him kindness, and you failed. Understandably, unavoidably, but still… the space collapsed and you brought fire. This perhaps spread mistrust from your heart to his, as his secrets (insecurities) were torched and burnt.

But all is not lost when love shines, as its light is a healing salve to hurt feelings. Said differently, bent trust in an intimacy is easy enough to repair when both people can see, accept, make space for, and grow from the situation. To start this, first we have to find acceptance for our inner spirit… for instance, the aspect of the Laura-goddess that wishes to be seen, heard, felt and loved but gets scared. Its OK, dear sister, to yearn for him and become fearful that he isn’t in the same place. It sucks a bit that you went so ballistic on him… I mean, yikes, right? But, also consider that the fire you brought was passion, desire, heat. All twisted from fear, but still strong, aimed at him, and wanting to protect your home. That’s great! To be ignorant of how to do that skillfully, to punch instead of kiss, wound instead of heal… all very normal and usual, happens to most of us as we learn to love well. When you can sit with that peacefully, then youre in a good place to bring it up with him. Poised to be strong, honest, and kind as you work together to rebuild the trust.

If that were my wife, the way I would start the healing conversation/path would be: “My love, I still feel unsettled by the way those texts and pics changed our connection. I’m sorry for the fire I brought, I never wish to scour your tender heart with my fears and jealousy. I pulled away from you, and what’s worse, I’m afraid you pulled away from me. Will you meet me halfway between us? I will try to make space to see you being kind and gentle for your daughter’s mother, if try to make space to see my fire as insecurities, and offer a soothing kiss to my flame, help me settle, remember your love, open back up. I wish to just dance with you, freely, with happiness, and wish to see whatever shadows are left between us go away.”

Or whatever it is that your heart has to say, in whatever language and terms etc. Take his hand, try to help each other see it from all sides, patiently, with an aim of mutual overcoming, healing. Then, open together, unpack, connect, share… patiently listen to whatever consequences of the behavior have. It takes time to heal, as you learn to ask for assurances, and he learns to give them. As you learn to see that his love for others is not a threat, and he learns that his love has to have specific, strong, and clear boundaries to protect his home. Etc. Your heart, speaking to his, and his speaking to you. When stuff comes up, just start again, recreate the space between you, see it from all sides, accept, and hand in hand find a path home.

One of my teachers said that its not mutual desire that keeps a relationship together, its mutual view. For instance, it doesn’t really matter that much to the heart if he wishes to be kind to the ex, and you wish for him to tell her to go screw herself. What matters is whether or not you can see it from the same space. Can you see what he is really doing? Can you see the choices he’s making? Can you hear why? Can he see the Laura behind your actions? Can he see why you react like you do? Are you two hand in hand, looking at the same sky? The same environment outside the home?

Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship in our chest, and is like our inner light. When we chug through tough emotions, feelings, experiences, our light can dim. Then the mind becomes more spinny, agitated, unsettled. When we sit, rest, and concentrate on wishing ourselves and others to be happy, peaceful, nourished… the warmth rises, the mind settles, and the light rekindles, grows brighter. Then, we don’t use up our precious concentration on useless mental fantasies (all the what ifs and so forth), and can instead turn our attentions to growing what we want to grow. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may your passions temper and your joy blossom.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Laura,

Thanks for having the courage to be so candid! Matt gave you such wonderful and loving feedback, it may be all you require, though if I may, I’d like to humbly submit this added thought: This experience triggered your “shadow” which is the unresolved or unprocessed pain which we all have stored in the unconscious part of ourselves, as brilliantly defined by Carl Jung.

If you’re human you have a shadow. In fact, no one gets through life without one. It’s the great unifier and nothing to be ashamed. When the shadow shows up (usually at what feels like the worst moments), it meant to challenge us by showing us the “unpretty” sides of ourselves, which ultimately are crying out to be healed.

So, as I see it, the good news is that this experience occurred in order for you to heal something within yourself. You may want to start by asking, “What pain or fear made me look at his phone?” just to get the ball rolling.

By getting to the root of our shadows, we are solving the great mysteries of our lives. If we can better understand this unconscious part of ourselves, then these kinds of situations will have served their purposes, so we can heal, and in turn, forgive.

I hope this is helpful!

To learn more about the shadow, the work of the late great Debbie Ford is wonderful. Her book, The Shadow Effect, is life changing. She made a movie about it as well. Both are terrific! 🙂

Love,
Alix

Laura,

Wow, that’s amazing! Consider that you have such a strong heart, to be able to so quickly peel away from old hurt and blame and take responsibility for your troubled feelings. How refreshing that makes it, how empowering! Said differently, now that we’re looking inward, we have something we can actually do, change we can grow. Namaste, Laura-buddha.

Consider that you are a very passionate person, your emotions vibrant, deep. When he dragged you to work, on his day off, its not exactly a surprise floral arrangement, right? You want to be with him, and would love to go dancing, and instead he brings you to his work. As this sat with you, perhaps it tugged at some insecurity, and woke up mamma bear. Something funky here, and she sniffed around, and began to growl and roar. Then, instead of a dance next to your loved one, it looked like a series of pokes and prods, proof that he’s an asshole, uncaring, ignoring. Mamma bear is a protector, wanting to keep home safe, warm, fun. But when she gets spooked, yeehaw, those claws can really rip and shred.

Consider a different view… when you begin to notice you’re agitated, try to breathe with it. When you were in the car, for instance, and mamma bear was waking up, gathering steam, perhaps if you had breathed “come on mamma bear, let’s do this with gentleness”, and opened up to him, perhaps it would have made sense what he was doing. Was he just trying to get more work done? Was he proud of his work and wanted you to see? Did he want to show off his woman? What were his goals, desires?

Then, you can bring your light, your passion and desire with more stability. Said differently, when we have the space to wish for their desires and our desires to be met, we can try to see everyone happy. For instance, if he wanted to work, and you wanted some ice cream, if you both lay them out there, express the desires, you guys can choose. Maybe just ice cream, maybe just work, maybe one then the other, or whatnot. Sometimes for him, sometimes for you, but either met together, with patience. Metta helps keep that space open, for the record, making our heart strong, resilient.

For helping him open his emotions, become more expressive with his feelings, consider asking him for them. Give him yours, and ask for his in response. For instance “I feel afraid I’ve lost your interest, when you look at me, what do you find beautiful?” At first, it might feel like fishing for assurance, but its the truth, and what you want, so why obscure it? Instead, invite him to flatter you, to sing to you his poetry. And whatever comes, listen, and accept it. It may be a scribble, it may be too “oh, hot body” or “because you cook for me”… but that’s what you’re helping ripen, so accept his attempts in the spirit he gives them. And, reward him for his efforts. Grab him and kiss him, express back in whatever feels right. He’s trying, and loves you… plus, just because he doesn’t know how to sing well, doesn’t mean that you don’t raise his body to song with your passion. Its just a communication issue, and as with many relationships, the woman has to take the lead in growing that, help aim it for both of you.

Finally, consider that the 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 building of anger inside you is a lot like foreplay. Neck to wrist to lips to eyes, passion builds. This is why communication is so necessary, because hot relationships can easily cause blistering. You get used to grabbing hands and running, which is a little ouchy when its in different directions.

With warmth,
Matt