Hi Zita

I was on TB forum just now when your post came through so I am taking this opportunity to reply rather quickly.

Look, I can answer all your questions as to why things happen the way they do and how people can just get over things so quickly and just walk away with a simple sorry when someone like yourself is left behind in pain and a lot of resentment.

Anything I say now is not going to bring peace to your grieving heart. Your mind has taken full control of your emotions and like you said, you are just spiralling down.

Can I pls suggest that you seek medical attention to get help with this situation ? Once things stabilise, you will be in a much better shape to take care of yourself and move forward.

Would you like to try some meditation ? If yes, I can post a link for some short practices that can help to calm your heart down. Listening to music also helps. Dancing, shouting, singing all can snap you out of uncontrolled mind.

You will be in my prayers later today and I know things will get better for you shortly. Hang in there. If you do not wish to forgive, don’t but get some medical help, pls.

Jasmine

Dear Zita

I think I understand your question. If your partner came on here (for example) he would be offered the advice for self forgiveness and self compassion etc? And quite rightly, why should he have the opportunity for that? The difference here is that your abuser is unlikely to ask for forgiveness as they don’t think they have done anything wrong. They don’t need to be told about self compassion as their life is only about themselves anyway. They get their needs met by taking things out on the people nearest them.

It sounds as if you are in a really low place right now, and like Jasmine, I do think it would be really good if you could reach out for some support, especially if you are thinking of ways in which to harm yourself. That is no route to go down. If you don’t want to visit your doctor, there are lots of confidential lines you can call to talk to someone.

One thing I have done in a similar situation is to write a letter. I know this doesn’t sound particularly revolutionary or helpful on the face of it. Believe me, I had exactly the same reaction. However, the process of writing things down can be really useful. It allows you to really think about the specific things that hurt you and how they made you feel. It allows you to put down exactly what you want to say. It allows you to edit it, so that it really represents what you want truly want to say.

It doesn’t have to be a letter you are ever going to send, you just need to write it. Much of the benefit is in the writing. I took my letter to a friend and read it to them (the friend knew about the situation). It was much harder than I ever imagined. Someone else I know, sat at the top of a hill and read it aloud to no one in particular. I have never felt the need to read it the person it is addressed to, it is enough to have said it and have it written down. I would certainly recommend reading it out loud, rather than just in your head.

The big benefit of this exercise, is that it allows a bit more space in your head. Those thoughts are written down rather than swirling around endlessly. If you suddenly remember something else, you can go back to the letter and add it in rather than having it start a new swirl. It frees your thoughts so that you can start identifying where you go from here.

I wish you all the best and hope you find some useful words on here.

Hi Zita

I’m glad the idea of writing is something you find useful. Now, please feel free to ignore the rest of my response. I get a bit ‘passionate’ about all of this. Even though you feel you have ranted in your post, I get a real sense of how much you are still holding in. I know from my own experience how damaging that can be so any words here are coming from a good place.

Perhaps rather than viewing it as a letter, a better approach might be to view it as a mini project?? Do some planning, writing, editing, re-write etc.

Allow yourself 20 minutes a day to think about what he has done and how it has made you feel. Don’t think about wording, format, order or anything like that, just write things down as they come to your mind. Use whichever words you want to and don’t feel the need to edit. This is the time to really let that anger out onto paper. Aim to only use the allocated time to focus on this. The rest of your day can be spent on other things.

Your first time will be a flurry, and gradually you will find you have most of it down. If things come to mind outside of the 20mins, add them on, but use the 20mins as your time to indulge in this anger. For everything you write that he has ‘done’ to you, make sure that you think about how that made you feel. Scared, frightened, angry, alone, intimidated, manipulated, sad, worthless …..

Identifying those feelings can really help you to better understand what is going on for you. At the moment, all you see is anger, but it is probably a big pot of all sorts flying around. Remember as well, these are just your feelings. They are not your reality. He may have made you feel worthless, but that is not the reality. These are things he has made you feel. That is all it is.

Once you think you have got most things out, you can start putting them into some form of structure. It might be themed, or time based etc, just some way to make sense of all the points. As you go through it, you might want to remove some pieces as they don’t seem as significant in the bigger scale of things.

Once you are ready you can start putting it together as a letter. By this time, you are in better control of what you are writing. And if you do feel the need to post it…why the hell not? You can always put it in a blank envelope and into a post box.

I really hope things work out well and you find the happier place that you deserve.

good stuff

@SimpleAl said:
In addition, though difficult to accept, negative experiences are a must. Only by suffering through them and learning their lessons do we grow.

Al

Hi Al

This question has been in my head for a while. According to you and others, negative experiences are a must since they help us grow. What about those lucky people who married to their first love and never experienced heartbreak. I’ve met several people who married to their first love and told me they also think they’re lucky to have not to experience breakups. Do they grow or they’re already whole when they met their first love? Thanks.

Cameron,

I’m sure Al will answer your question, but since I was going to come here to respond to Zita anyway, I thought I’d respond to you as well. I agree with Al that it is through pain and suffering that we learn the most, but suffering in romantic relationships isn’t the only type of suffering there is. Nobody gets through life without pain and suffering. It just comes in different forms to different people. It’s not just pure luck that some people have married their first love and have stuck with it. I do think that they have been more wholesome when it comes to dealing with relationships, without unrealistic expectations and willingness to work on their relationship. It still doesn’t mean that their lives are perfect. They have their own worries and their own journeys to go through.

Zita,

I’ve been trying to figure out how to better explain my point of view. To me, the concept is clear, but it’s not that easy to explain.

Imagine that there is energy in you that is free for you to spend how ever you please. What ever is the focus of your attention is where you spend your energy. I’m just talking about energy, not positive or negative energy. Just energy. Precious energy. As long as your focus is on other people, you will continue to expend your energy on others. If you never focus on your own needs, you will end up in a situation where all your energy is constantly being fed to others, whether they ask for it or not. You will end up running on empty, desperately waiting for someone else to spend their energy on you, just like you are spending it on them. When that doesn’t happen, you will feel cheated. You spent all that energy on them, and now it’s wasted and nobody is tending to your needs. Yet, all you would have to do is change your focus from them onto yourself, even for a while, and you would be replenished.

My understanding of unconditional love is that when you are so filled with love and compassion yourself, it will start to overflow towards anything and everything around you. It doesn’t matter who the recipient is, as you have all this extra love and it’s freely given to others. The concept can’t be understood if one hasn’t been filled with love. If you’re running on empty, the last thing you can do is to give unconditionally to others. You can’t. It’s impossible. The same goes for forgiveness, in my opinion. As long as you’re empty, not tending to your wounds and not using your own energy to heal yourself, and still wasting it on others, there is no possibility for forgiveness. The state of emergency continues. It could be changed at any given moment with a bit of self-awareness, but the shift is very hard to do.

This is why, Zita, it is important to focus on yourself. You are focusing on others to the extent that when the advice is to feel compassion and forgiveness towards the self in order to heal, you are more preoccupied with the selves of other people and do not acknowledge your own. You are in pain, so you must tend to your wounds. Worry about other people later, when you are healed and full of energy again. And when you are full of energy again and perhaps even full of love, letting go of the past hurts and forgiving others will come naturally.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by The Ruminant.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by The Ruminant.