dealing with boyfriends brother

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by @Jasmine-3.

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May 20, 2014 at 1:27 am #56619

Brooke
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Hi there. This is my first time posting for a little advice on what to do or how to deal with my dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year now. We’ve prettt much lived together for the last year as well. Incliding his brother. Last year around July his brother and girlfriend moved in with us, only to back out of rent payments shortly after moving in because my boyfriends brother couldnt find a job. Shortly after, we all had to surrender the home, leaving me and my boyfriend with a bill thats going to take about a little over a year to pay off. Now after we left thar home, we all had to go our seperate ways for awhilw. I at my moms, boyfriend at pay and stay hotel, and bf bro went to moms. My boyfriend found a home in no time and although still a little bitter with my bfs bro, I moved in becausw I wanted to be with my boyfriend. So within the last couple of months, his brother has not helped with the rent again. After we all seperated for a bit I waa sure with him having a job hed be able to go through with the bills. Every week its a new wxcuse as to why he has no money. My boyfriemd amd I have enough on our plate and im limiting myself to my wants/needs because my bfs bro just decides to spend his money frivolously on whatever he pleases. This is a frustrating annoyance for both me and my bf, but my question is…should I continue to complain to my boyfriend every week about his brother owing us hundreds of dollars or just brush it off because hes somewhat family. Unfortunatly, his brotjer hasn’t really done anything for me to deserve my help amd I feel that I dont owe him anything. Is this being too selfish?

May 20, 2014 at 3:42 am #56629

Inky
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You’re not going to like my advice, but, you will be so much happier not living with your boyfriend. I’m not old, but I’m old-fashioned. A group of girls sharing rent don’t get this as much as “Dude, we’re faaammmiiilllyyy!!!”

That said, having to kick the renter/house guest out happens to the best of us. My solid, middle-aged, best friend and husband took a YEAR to jettison their sad panda renter turned house guest.

My own parents moved on purpose to an impossibly small house after twenty years of my step-brother getting back on his feet.

My friend is still stewing in anger when I told her “No” a few years ago. She would still be here rent free!

And my God, your renter came back!! Bad omen!

I would move. Or, play the Bad Blame it on the Girlfriend Card, because, at the end of the day, you’re NOT family, which is the only other “Out” I can see out of this situation.

May 20, 2014 at 4:00 am #56630

Matt
Participant

Brooke,

In contrast to inky’s advice, I think you are quite lucky to be in such a tricky situation! Consider that your boyfriend is exhibiting a beautiful quality, caring for his family. For all his bluster, when it gets tough, his heart leads him to help his brother. That is a gem, and not to be attacked. Rather, consider it a blessing.

However, your boyfriend is also not helping his brother very well… enabling instead of growing. But, his heart is trying to care for his family, which is part of what you love about him, right? So, instead of being demanding, insisting that he move out to protect your home, consider encouraging your boyfriend to aim his desire to help his brother more skillfully. Not just “toss him a fish”, such as letting him live rent free, but rather “teaching him to fish”, such as paying his debts, finding a better balance, investing in his home, etc. Said differently, logic rarely beats the heart when it comes to a man like your boyfriend. Which is good for you, because it means his passions are more alive.

Consider having a heart to heart with your boyfriend, in the flavor of “I love the way you love your brother, and wish to see him find home. His out of balance actions are bad for him and us, what do you feel we could do to help better? Avoid the foreclosure/eviction this time around?”

Or, if you’re fed up and done, perhaps follow inky’s kindly intended advice. Move out, move on, turn away. Its only your karma if you let it be, if your home remains partly in union with your boyfriend. If you can kindly, gently, and with understanding for the brother, roll up your sleeves and help your boyfriend figure out a skillful way of being generous to his brother, your desire for balance will help him find his, and if any luck at all, the brother as well.

Your heart has wings, dear sister.

With warmth,
Matt

May 21, 2014 at 3:47 am #56757
Inky
Participant
Brooke, if your boyfriend is as loving towards his family as that, then hopefully the apple doesn’t fall far from the common tree. That the brother will pay rent consistently and timely. But the reality is, that is not happening.

Just make sure that you are not committing financial suicide simply because your boyfriend is afraid to say “No” and the brother doesn’t mind taking advantage. If the Real World in your place is easier than the Real World Out There, then why wouldn’t he take advantage? I’m not saying the brother thinks that way, but look at his actions.

It sounds like staying at the mom’s is an option, and you wrote that now he has a job, correct? ~ so you’re not being selfish.

Once you take care of your basic needs (even if it’s alone), then you can more easily help others.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
May 21, 2014 at 5:27 am #56765

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Thanks everyone.

Hey Inky, I agree wholeheartedly with you on this post. Compassion and love for family etc are all nice and beautiful things to indulge in but when it comes to our mental peace and well being, setting clear boundaries is a must. It takes two to tango, yeah ! You cant teach a scorpion to change his nature with compassion no matter how hard someone tries but we can save ourselves from the sting by being smart and aware.

Brooke, do what suits you the best in the first instance. If you are ok, you will make everything else around you ok. Well, that’s what I believe in anyways.

Blessings,

J

August 8, 2017 at 6:08 am #162790

Liz
Participant

Hi there Brooke. I just want to say that i have the same problem. Living with my boyfriend for 2 years now and his helpless brother. When we gave up my place and decided that we will live in his place, his brother moved in at the same time to stay for 2-3 months untill he found his own place, its been two years and it has been really hard. The other problem is that his brother is an alcoholic and we do not drink at all. He has really bad behavior at times when he gets drunk and all gets forgiven in the mornings when he acts really sorry for himself. The problem is that his brother is family and i am not, this is very tricky as it will never change. I love my boyfriend and would like him to take action in some way or another, but he feels sorry for his brother. The brother is very stubborn and you cannot tell him anything, not even to get his own place. The other thing is that he can afford to go on his own, but choose to encroach on my boyfriend and never give us space. He has no respect for me and listens to everything we speak and wants to know everything we do, what, how, when, why. I have thought of leaving before but feel like that is highly unfair as we want to be together. Does anyone know how better i can deal with the situation? The space is quite small, so it makes it really difficult to get away from each other. I work from home and like a peaceful environment, which isnt being respected. I also wish i can help his brother, but after many attempts, i have realized that it didn’t work and he still despises me. I now do not even love my own home anymore and feel like my personal space is being threatened the whole time. How can i lovingly move forward? anyone please
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