We will be taking a vacation together soon, but there’s so much fear and anxiety that’s it not going to make everything better. I’m afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I’m harboring so much anger and resentment it comes out in very hurtful ways. I want to get go and not have any expectations of anyone or anything. Just to be good and kind and loving and be loved, but it’s really hard. The more love I try to show and give, the more passive-aggressiveness there is within me. Everything looks so bleak and dreary and if I could just let go and be free that would be amazing. Everyone says I need to work at it and I need to take action, and I want to, but no matter what I do or say, it’s not fixing the situation. In fact, I think it makes it worse. The anxiety and fear are still there. I want to look at my girlfriend, my job, my food, my life in the same positive and open way I did before, but I feel very closed off and scared. It’s like everything is covered with an ugly veil. There’s no attraction or pull towards anything or anyone. I used to see the beauty and positive in everything, now I’m grasping at straws just to enjoy some of the most basic pleasures of life.

Thank you Matt. Your words have always been so supportive and caring. It scares me to read them and not feel uplifted.

The sword of Damocles is hovering above my head and will soon fall. I’m not sure when and where, but it’s coming. I have reached a position of significant power and authority within my workplace, but I’m afraid it’s been ill-gotten. I make assumptions, I’m not direct, I don’t always speak truthfully, I gossip, I play politics, but I’m so driven by my ego for more wealth, more power, more control, I don’t even realize I’m doing it, until after it’s done. The truth will come out. People will see me for what I am. I can’t believe it hasn’t happened already.

“With great power comes great responsibility” and “Uneasy the head that wears the crown” are two statements that come to mind. I reached too high too fast and now I’m paying the price. However, those around me are encouraging to me push farther and higher and I really, I don’t feel like I want to anymore. Not if it means that much anxiety and fear – people will see me as I truly am – a cowering, lazy, and spineless individual who tries to please everyone around him, pleasing no one in the end and spreading more discontent and anxiety.

My gf thought me strong and powerful – a man of confidence and conviction, strength. Now she’s seen me at my lowest and depressed and because she wasn’t able to relieve my stress or anxiety, I’ve started harboring resentment and anger towards her. I’m angry and guilty at the same time. I swing between wanting to be strong and win her respect to feelings of anger and dislike. I have let her down and I wish I could be that strong individual again, but my resources are depleted. I’ve been whipped and exposed, now I must pay the price.

The world would be better off without me causing everyone so much worry and stress – making situations more complicated and difficult than they need to be.

Is this just a voice in my head or is there some truth to this? My resources depleted, I don’t know whether it’s day or night anymore. If I expound my sins, maybe I’ll be relieved of these feelings of guilt and shame. Why doesn’t something or someone just put me away for good so I can do no harm no more.

But for now, I’m going for walk.

Thanks JDKM

I’m doing just that. I’ve taken time off from work – how long, I’m not sure. And I’m taking time away from the gf as well.

I’m trying not to do anything, but it’s not easy. It feels like there’s so much that needs to be done and laying around doing nothing is one of the most difficult things in the world for me. Although I realize that surfing the web is that awful space between doing nothing (rest) and being productive. It neither recharges you, nor accomplishes anything.

Time for a nap.