Little Buddha,

There is a difference between complaint, such as rehashing old pains, and unfolding, such as releasing old pains. Both often sound the same, but it depends on what is being done and why. The “shut up and never tend again” doesn’t work when there is a delusion stuck in someone’s mind. Such as “mistakes make us less lovable”, for instance, if unspoken, can eat and eat at confidence. Each mistake keeps stacking up, adding to the weight of isolation. As just a “for instance”. In sharing, we find we are not alone, we are not uniquely flawed, we are not swamped or broken by our past and many other good qualities.

That being said, there is something to say about moving our mind away from the past, such as not drinking from a bitter well. Not just reliving the emotional pain over and over, but feeling it, meeting it with spacious compassion, and the well stops being bitter. Much like if our mom hurt us, just never thinking about mom doesn’t work, its too primal. But, if we find compassion for our mom, and ourselves, accepting the pains and letting them go, then thoughts of mom become less bitter. Talking a out it helps us get there, which in my opinion is needed, first. Otherwise it stays bound up, ready to trigger.

The way this question cleared for me was seeing it like a person walking with shoes that are too tight. It does no good to ignore the pain, just try to walk away from it. They follow him around. If he opens up, talks about his pain to people that are caring, they may notice those shoes, and then help him loosen them or remove them. That’s when putting it behind us is good. Rather than “oh, I can’t believe someone put those shoes on me” or “let’s get those small shoe makers” or “how could i have not seen..” or whatnot. Unneeded, just be glad the bruises are healing and keep walking.

As far as “what to say” if someone asks you how you’re doing, just do what feels best. Most people say “how are you doing?” without wanting to know your life story, its more like a smile or courtesy. Saying “well”, or “good” or whatnot isn’t false even if you’re feeling low, its smiling back. One teacher said “sometimes we smile because we are happy, and sometimes we are happy because we smile.”

With warmth,
Matt

Little Buddha,

To me, speaking out in this context is talking about something with someone who has the power/space to act on the topic. Such as, talking with our unfair boss about the situation, rather than talking to our friends about our unfair boss. Or talking with a therapist or support group or a trusted friend about an issue.

The main difference to me, is the sense of curiosity and exploration. Not just dumping. “What’s there? What could be done?” Rather than “darn it, you wouldn’t believe…” But, you already saw this, didn’t you? You seem to get it already.

For me, its about Right Speech. The general guideline is “is it necessary, is it true, is it kind?” Being kind in this sense includes being kind to ourselves, such as maintaining boundaries, getting help with our puzzles as needed, and so forth.

With warmth,
Matt