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"Never talk about that ISSUE again" – For your consideration and discussion

HomeForumsEmotional Mastery"Never talk about that ISSUE again" – For your consideration and discussion

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #63714
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    In this video, Esther Hicks advises her audience to ‘let their issues die of their own lack of attention.” If you want to get rid of an issue that keeps coming up, don’t ever talk about it again.

    My question to this community is, do you feel this a healthy practice? I recently joined a support group where all we do is talk about our issues, both past and present, as a way of coming to terms with the pain and suffering that we’re currently experiencing in life. Ever since I joined this group and started listening to other people’s issues and sharing my own, I keep questioning, “Is this really the path toward inner peace?”

    To be quite honest, I’m getting kind of tired of my hang-ups, anxieties, obsessions, insecurities, and pains. I’d much rather just focus on the positive things that are happening in my life. Now of course, this requires a tremendous amount of effort – to acknowledge the positive things, to be open, grateful, hopeful, smiling, active, participating, accepting, appreciative, and supportive.

    So I wonder, which is the right path? Share and try to get some validation, compassion, and support or simply just shut-up and move on.

    When someone asks, “How are you doing?”, what is a healthy response? How truthfully do you respond?

    #63721
    didi2136
    Participant

    From my personal experience, I think we should always talk with someone. I’m currently going through a difficult time because of it. Because I have never talked about what was happening with me and now I’m dealing with my past that don’t let me enjoy my present, now that everything is ok! We should always talk but also analyze what is happening to us because no one can help if we don’t understand ourselves.

    #63723
    Matt
    Participant

    Little Buddha,

    There is a difference between complaint, such as rehashing old pains, and unfolding, such as releasing old pains. Both often sound the same, but it depends on what is being done and why. The “shut up and never tend again” doesn’t work when there is a delusion stuck in someone’s mind. Such as “mistakes make us less lovable”, for instance, if unspoken, can eat and eat at confidence. Each mistake keeps stacking up, adding to the weight of isolation. As just a “for instance”. In sharing, we find we are not alone, we are not uniquely flawed, we are not swamped or broken by our past and many other good qualities.

    That being said, there is something to say about moving our mind away from the past, such as not drinking from a bitter well. Not just reliving the emotional pain over and over, but feeling it, meeting it with spacious compassion, and the well stops being bitter. Much like if our mom hurt us, just never thinking about mom doesn’t work, its too primal. But, if we find compassion for our mom, and ourselves, accepting the pains and letting them go, then thoughts of mom become less bitter. Talking a out it helps us get there, which in my opinion is needed, first. Otherwise it stays bound up, ready to trigger.

    The way this question cleared for me was seeing it like a person walking with shoes that are too tight. It does no good to ignore the pain, just try to walk away from it. They follow him around. If he opens up, talks about his pain to people that are caring, they may notice those shoes, and then help him loosen them or remove them. That’s when putting it behind us is good. Rather than “oh, I can’t believe someone put those shoes on me” or “let’s get those small shoe makers” or “how could i have not seen..” or whatnot. Unneeded, just be glad the bruises are healing and keep walking.

    As far as “what to say” if someone asks you how you’re doing, just do what feels best. Most people say “how are you doing?” without wanting to know your life story, its more like a smile or courtesy. Saying “well”, or “good” or whatnot isn’t false even if you’re feeling low, its smiling back. One teacher said “sometimes we smile because we are happy, and sometimes we are happy because we smile.”

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #63740
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    Thank you both for your responses.

    I’m very vigilant about how much I say about how I feel, because I’m afraid of bringing people down or appearing needy – in my case the need for absolution, which I logically recognize is based on some irrational guilt and shame, but the pain body won’t let it go. (I’m working on it).

    I think your distinction between the two forms of speech helps me better understand what Tolle describes as the difference between “speaking out” and “complaining”.

    “See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always non-acceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the
    situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

    How would you characterize “speaking out”? Do you have any examples?

    #63753
    Matt
    Participant

    Little Buddha,

    To me, speaking out in this context is talking about something with someone who has the power/space to act on the topic. Such as, talking with our unfair boss about the situation, rather than talking to our friends about our unfair boss. Or talking with a therapist or support group or a trusted friend about an issue.

    The main difference to me, is the sense of curiosity and exploration. Not just dumping. “What’s there? What could be done?” Rather than “darn it, you wouldn’t believe…” But, you already saw this, didn’t you? You seem to get it already.

    For me, its about Right Speech. The general guideline is “is it necessary, is it true, is it kind?” Being kind in this sense includes being kind to ourselves, such as maintaining boundaries, getting help with our puzzles as needed, and so forth.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #63755
    Inky
    Participant

    This is how I think of it. Let’s say I have an ISSUE.

    I ask myself, “Is ISSUE actively bothering me TODAY?” (Meaning the ISSUE is making an appearance, NOT I’m thinking about it)

    If the answer is Nope, I then star in Today’s Episode of My Life.

    If the answer is YES, what happens is the people around me are surprised that my long lost father deigned to make an appearance in my life by striding into my office. It would be like an episode in Superman if his parents walked in. Then of course Superman gets two comic book pages of Flashbacks and Emotions.

    That’s how I look at it.

    So star in Today’s Episode.

    #63757
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    @Matt Yes, so true – choosing to share and discuss with those that might be able to act on the situation. Sometimes, I feel like I’d like to have those three questions that you highlighted tattooed on my arm, “Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind?”. 🙂


    @Inky
    I really like you’re view on it. Is it an ISSUE, that is actively having a impact on me today? Or is it simply a memory or thought from the past that’s eliciting certain emotions? There’s something powerful in being able to distinguish between the two and responding accordingly. Thank you for that perspective.

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