Sultana,

I remember the first post. Here’s the thing (and what I told my sister on many occasions): You are not even the step-mom. You are the girlfriend. This is his son. My own mother couldn’t get my step-brother to move out. They finally moved to a way smaller house because my step-dad wouldn’t just kick him out. In some cases blood is thicker than water. What’s the cultural/ancestral background? Most Italians I know, for example, would never kick their kids out.

Now: It sounds like the dad likes the son coming and going, and that that is what their relationship would naturally be like anyway. What you are doing is, ultimately, and energetically saying: It’s me or him. My step-mother actually rented an apartment and moved a kid in there when they weren’t out of college a month! This way she cleverly side-stepped any It’s Me or Her future confrontation. But you aren’t even the stepmother, correct? Just a girl friend? You are, to the boys, becoming The Evil Step Mother. But here’s the thing: you’re not.

You need a sanctuary. So move or kick the boys out. No living together until marriage. But be very clear beforehand about The Rules.

I know it looks like I’m leaning toward “the other side”. But I would get a sanctuary first. You’re not going to get between the father and son. I know that’s not good news. So accept it.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Inky.

Matt you kill me with your wisdom. And you are right of course on many points, as always.

BUT. If it were me, I would have to ask for my sanctuary back. Enough already.

Bottom line from this quarter – you are not being unreasonable to end it, Sultana. Those people have a good deal going and they know it and it’s at your expense. Additionally, you say you feel no love or respect for him anymore. Well, those are very telling words. I’d say this ship has sailed and you are worn to a frazzle. Some major damage has been done with no relief in sight. You lasted a LOT longer than I would have, bless your heart.

Go get you some peace. Take your space back. Only let people in there who make you feel loved, respected and joyful.

Beloved Sultana,
Know that you are not alone, ever. Get some rest and yes, have that good long cry, or cries. I don’t have a crystal ball, but I think it’s possible that your partner may have an epiphany after they move out. Once he is clear of things and can see the forest for the trees, maybe he will be able to navigate with you into the next phase of your relationship – one blessed with peace and understanding, if he really loves you as he says he does.

When you consider what your circumstance was (or maybe still is today), it seems that fear for the future is manageable. Although you don’t know what will unfold now, you do know that you couldn’t stay in the current situation.

Think positively, count your blessings everyday, surround yourself with beauty, people and moments that will bring you joy. Many people, myself included, have started over again financially not once but multiple times in an effort to make our personal lives better. You will be ok.

Please stay in touch, best wishes.
Soj