Hi Leila,

I’ve recently changed my circumstances and am consequently regularly around someone who I find very difficult to be around (albeit temporarily). I have no definite answers but from all I’ve read, and I’m sure you already know this, it’s by being around such trying people that enables us to grow, I would even go as far to say, the more trying they are to us, the more you are forced to grow, forced by your own suffering. I’m sure you know what I mean. (The more it stretches your comfort level the greater the potential for growth, so long as it’s not beyond your limit, but life only ever gives us what we are capable of dealing with so I hear.) And we both know that this suffering happens because of our resistance to things in some way, springing in this instance from judgement of the way others should be and what is wrong with them/their attitude. I’m in the same boat, you understand why they are the way they are just as I do in my own situation, but we both know that that’s not enough, because we know it yet still we suffer. I guess this is proof of what a warrior you genuinely have to be to do this stuff. That we know is good however because as they say the first step is awareness. The warrior part is where you have to practice what you preach, practice acceptance and tolerance without trying to change them (if you are trying to change them to your way of thinking that unfortunately is not acceptance of them as they are), of course this is extremely difficult. So, you try, succeed sometimes, fail often, suffer greatly, go crazy, get centred again, etc. I’m sure eventually you’ll come out on top (of your former self that is). I find this a good test of my own ego personally, being around such a person has made me realise how much ego investment I have in spirituality itself. The ego will tack onto anything, even your spirituality, trying to assert your rightness etc. It’s a fools game, I keep falling into it just automatically lately, it’s incredibly difficult not to. I guess one comes out the other side more beautiful because some of the rough edges have been knocked off of that which conceals our inner beauty, allowing more of it to shine through.

The thing is, even if you were able to escape these people and just be around more agreeable people, how could you possibly grow so well as in your current circumstances…there’s gold in there somewhere, it’s just difficult to reach. I’m reminded of a story I heard about an old Zen monk way back when. He chose to keep an assistant at his side on his travels who was a pain in the backside to put it mildly. Apparently he always insulted him, was defiant etc. Someone once asked him why he would keep such an assistant in his company and he replied that there was no better teacher of tolerance (paraphrased), but you get my point.

Hi Leila 🙂

You’ve already received a lot of advice, so mine will be short and sweet:

* At the same time you grind your teeth listening to strangers complain about immigrants and poorer people, you long for someone with views like yours that you could commiserate with about “snobby well-to-do” people. In that sense at least, these folks and yourself aren’t that different. Both of you turn to others with similar life perspectives to complain, which is a very human thing to do.

* Think about your goals with these people. You might be used to making friends at school, but that’s probably not your main reason for going. Consider the idea that you can make friends elsewhere in the city, and maybe find people more similar to you. Or, look for a club on campus that reflects your values. Maybe it’s okay for your peers in class to be just peers, nothing more. That might make things feel less personal for you when you’re around them.

* Some good mental-mantras for dealing with people you dislike, or disagree with:
– “I don’t have to agree with their opinions in order to appreciate other aspects about them, or for them to appreciate me. It’s okay for us to disagree.”
– “Opinions come from life experience, and ours has been different. I wonder we can be willing to learn from each other.”
– “It’s okay for me to ask for an explanation about cultural things I don’t understand, or to explain to them things they don’t understand, as long as I am respectful.”

Peace,
Jessa