fbpx
Menu

I feel deeply ashamed of myself

HomeForumsTough TimesI feel deeply ashamed of myself

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #75770
    Charlotte
    Participant

    So I am going through some really tough times with myself right now, and I hoped someone out there would have some comforting words to say to me or some advice to give me that might help me moving forward from here.

    The last two months I’ve had intense feelings of shame and sometimes they are so overwhelming that I just want to get away from myself, to get away from here, but I would like to find a way to get past these feelings and deal with them.

    Two years ago I had a major depression after coming out of a very unhealthy relationship. I had been in this relationship in a very dishonest way- both to myself and to the guy I was with. I really liked him and I was very fascinated by him but I felt very inauthentic and untrue to myself in the relationship since I did not have the same feelings as he did and I forced myself to be part of it anyway. I felt kind of addicted to it and the longer we stayed together the more ashamed of myself I felt until I reached a point where I had a complete breakdown. I felt like I could not live with myself any longer. I had lost all self-respect and pride and I felt that I did not deserve to live any longer. This was the toughest time of my life so far.. It took me more or less a year to get out of this complete darkness.

    The thing is, I have a pattern of being like this in relationships. I haven’t been in other real relationships like the one where it went really wrong, but in other short-term relationships with guys I tend to “do the same” every time. It’s like I really want to feel something for a particular person and in my head I want this and that to happen and things and feelings to be in a particular way. In reality, my feelings are not following my head though. But then I force myself into seeing a guy or even having sex with one and then I feel absolutely terrible about myself afterwards and while it’s happening. It’s like I’m oppressing myself so badly and actually even offending myself. It feels absolutely terrible but still I’m tempted to do it again every time.

    What happened two months ago when I got these really intense feelings of shame again is that I slept with my ex boyfriend again(the one where I got deeply depressed after the breakup). We had been seeing each other a few times from October to February in a very casual and non-comittal way(we both knew this). Considering our history, it might be hard to understand why I would start seeing him again(and I know now that this was not a good idea), but I have developed and blossomed a lot in many areas since the time we were together and I was curious to see if this might change something between us. I had a lot of other personal problems when we were a couple(eating problems, greater insecurity etc.) and so I wanted to know if it was actually this that made the relationship not work at the time. And I always really liked him and there has always been a lot of exhilarating feelings connected to seeing him. It’s like a huge adrenalin kick but also a very dangerous one for me emotionally. And yes, I don’t know myself very well and so I wanted to experiment even though I should have left that door closed.

    But yes, seeing him these few times again, I’ve had so many different and confusing feelings at the same time. It’s like some of the times I’ve seen him I felt like it went well and I felt really connected to him but then I quickly start to feel like it’s not right and two of the times I even forced myself to have sex with him even though I did not want to deep down. And then it all culminated two months ago when I slept with him and couldn’t hold myself together anymore.

    Feelings of deep shame have stuck to me since then. I have not been in contact with my ex boyfriend since a week after the incidence and I have made the decision to close that door from now on. At first, I thought it was a lot more about guilt towards him but gradually I’ve realized that it’s more about feeling ashamed of myself. I think he is actually doing okay though of course I also owe it to him to be honest to myself and him. I have started having these feelings of not deserving to feel good and not deserving to live and I keep ruminating about my own feelings and thoughts in relation to the times I’ve seen him.

    I do not want to fall into a depression again and these dark feelings of deep shame really scare me. Sometimes I feel like there is no way forward for me – like I don’t deserve to continue and get past this. I guess in some regards I’ve been living very in-authentically and maybe I am more driven by my thoughts and wants than my deeper needs. I am not sure why I am like this – am I worse than other people? I feel bad about being driven by these things.. I know that I need to change some things if I am to feel good about myself.

    I would be very grateful for any comments/advice/help/comforting words from any of you. That would be extremely nice and helpful..

    Thanks in advance..

    Charlotte

    #75828
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Charlotte,

    This may not be what’s happening AT ALL, but here is a shot in the dark…

    Is it possible that:

    1. In the rare instance when you’ve had that “I’m falling in love” feeling. That “I have a crush” feeling. That you don’t often pursue it? Or when you had you came to grief?

    2. In the meantime, really, really nice guys would ask you out and you would go out with them at first out of politeness?

    3. Do you have that “Who do you think you are?” feeling/thought when you want to say “No thank you” to going out/being with someone?

    4. I can see feeling guilty for not wanting to be with someone. But shame is from your deep past or childhood. Someone or something did a number on you. What was it? Ferret out what that “thing” was. Knowing is half the battle.

    5. Hypnotherapy can help with dealing with shame. Or the “Tapping Technique” (google it).

    Best,

    Inky

    #75830
    Lakra
    Participant

    Hi Charlotte,

    you´ve said that you managed to get yourself in these kind of relationships over and over again. The way i look at it life/god however you want to call it, is giving you a lesson there – a chance to grow. Until you´ve learned it this pattern will repeat.
    I had to learn my lesson too the rough way like you. So you´re not alone. And you deserve happiness as much as anybody else.But you have to take it yourself. Most of the time life wont hand it to you for free.

    I think Inky is right that you need to figure out for yourself where your shame comes from. Then be aware of it and work on it.
    You have to be happy by yourself and with yourself first and foremost. There´s not shortcuts to this. When you manage that you can meet another person on the same level and maybe be ready for a relationship that will add to your happiness.

    Also stop torturing yourself – by going over your past mistakes over and over again. It will not get you anywhere. You said you decided to close that door with your ex boyfried. Then close it. Focus on working on that shame issue.The rest of the answers will come in time when you´re not even thinking of it anymore.

    All the best of luck,

    Lakra

    #75889
    Sam
    Participant

    Charlotte,

    You have an amazing amount of courage just to reach out and ask for help. I commend you for that. I actually came across this post by accident as I was searching for wisdom after a breakup of my own. I could really relate to your story. Thank you for being so open with it.
    I wanted to share some thoughts for you.

    I want to point out a couple of things first: First, You are an amazing person and I can tell this through the authenticity and openness of this post. Secondly, do you have any idea how much courage it takes to end a relationship and really close the door as you have done because you know it won’t serve you over the long term? It takes even more courage to end one that is meeting even some of your needs! So congratulations and I’m really proud of you.

    It is totally normal to feel the way you do about ending the relationship and even about how things ended and about giving yourself to someone who you weren’t really in love with or wanted long term. I have been there myself.

    Charlotte, we do everything for a reason. EVERYTHING. And all the stuff we do is serving one or more of our needs at some level. This is why it is hard to let go of something that you know isn’t good for you long term. The reason is because that action is serving some of your needs at a some level. Does that make sense? Sleeping with someone, while we might know that it isn’t what we want long term, is done all the time by people because it serves the need for connection and perhaps the certainty that we can be with someone and feeling of being wanted and desired which makes us feel significant. These are all essential needs which need to be fulfilled right?!?! We all have the need to feel loved, connected, significant, certain, and at the same time feel the ‘danger’, as you described it, the adrenaline rush, the variety. These are things that ALL human beings will do anything to feel and get. Understanding this will help really get your head around why you feel this way and will also help you recognize that you are totally normal.

    So then comes step two. Once you realize that you are taking these actions to serve your needs than you have to ask the question. Wait, is there a better way to get the same need met than what I am doing? And that would be my question for you.

    What is a better way to feel the variety, the certainty, the love, the connection, the fun, the excitement that you are getting met right now? Is there a way that is more sustainable and won’t end in shame or guilt?

    Only when you actually substitute the way you get your needs met for a better way will you be able to pull away from the unhealthy and pain causing way. Does that make sense? So find out what the new way to meet your needs is that will be sustainable and healthy and start to take small steps to work towards being addicted to that new thing…the healthy thing.

    But check it out… here is what else happens…

    Shame and guilt…while NO ONE likes to feel these things they are NOT bad feelings like most people think. No, no, no…quite the opposite. These emotions happen to us for a reason. Actually every emotions we feel is for a reason and it is trying to send us a message. Here is what happens though to most people-they try to shove the feeling away (which never works) or they try to ignore the feeling (which also never works). When you do either of these two things the emotion gets stronger and stronger and stronger and eventually turns into something worse like this depression you talked about. Here is the good news. Once you realize that this emotion is really your friend and every emotion is and that it is really really trying to help you. It is saying, ‘Charlotte, you need to change something in your mind or in your life.’

    So my question for you is this. What is this emotion telling you to change? What is it begging to get your attention for? Why is this emotion trying so hard to get your attention and what do you think it is asking so hard for you to change in your life? Remember, these emotions are your friends…they are what keep our life in order and in line with the way that we believe and think.

    Guilt and shame are emotions that are trying to tell you that you have violated one of your values and that what you are doing isn’t in line with your beliefs and who you are. Don’t hate the emotion. Love it, embrace it, get excited when you feel these emotions, get curious as to what the gift is…you know, what the message is for you.

    Once you take action and really get the message of the emotion than the emotion will lose some of its power because it knows that you are taking action torwards what it was trying to get your attention for all along.

    Is this helpful at all?
    I hope so.
    Sam

    PS. Also, just remember all of this is very normal and you are amazing to be hanging in there figuring it all out. Keep up the good work. There is a man of your dreams who will have those things and that love for you that you want and dream about. Perhaps this all needed to happen first for you to really be free to accept that into your life… thoughts.

    #75985
    Christopher.m
    Participant

    Charlotte,

    It sounds like you are prone towards anxiety, shame, and depression. You view yourself in a negative light. It could be the on/off again relationship but I want you to consider the possibility that it is simply your state of mind at this time. We humans tend to project our problems and issues onto others. That said, It takes 2 unhealthy people to create an unhealthy relationship. If this gentleman if treating you poorly then you need to have appropriate boundaries with him. Boundaries will give the relationship a chance to grow… Accepting only his leftovers will doom the relationship as he will take you for granted (and continue unloving behavior).

    In order to really thrive humans need healthy balance and habits. Are you taking care of your needs…. to eat healthy? Exercise? Spiritual needs? Need for meaningful work? Need for friends outside of romance? Need for laughter? Need for helping others?

    It is tough to tell what the problem is based upon your post. No offense but your mind and emotions are all over the place and it is draining you of energy and life. In order to combat this I suggest the following.
    1) mindful meditation 40 mins per day (20min x 2)
    2) exercise 1hr per day 4-5 times per week
    3) try a hot yoga class or something else outside of your comfort zone
    4) read a spiritual book of some sort… Perhaps eckart tolle “a new earth”
    5) treat yourself kindly. Maybe go on vacation by yourself to the beach or buy yourself… Or buy something luxurious and good for you. Maybe an expensive brand of tea. Savor it and treat yourself.

    By making these changes and having appropriate boundaries with romantic partners you will learn to love yourself, see things clearer, and act accordingly. Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.

    Namaste

    #77578
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charlotte:
    It’s been a while since you posted this but I think the kind of shame you are talking about is not likely to have …. disappeared since. I believe I am familiar with the kind of misery you described. I too have allowed and somehow even made things happen to me that I wanted no part in; things that were harmful to me. The torture of not navigating my own life, of being cluelsess of what is going on in my life, of not being in control, of finding myself in the same situations I decided I will never again be in. The disgust with myself- that is shame. Decades of that. Then came healing later in life, a healing process I am still engaged in.

    Looking back at that kind of a life I lead, feeling powerless, clueless, disconnected… what i see is SELF ABANDONMENT or SELF DENIAL as i term it. At one point, or points a long time ago I abandoned myself, disconnected, figured I am bad news, notsomeone I want to hang with so to speak. I distrusted myself, pronounced myself BAD.

    And there teh conflict:part of me wanted to live, wanted to BE ME. It struggled to LIVE while I already determined I was not worthy of living. LIVE_DIE_LIVE_DIE.

    I needed SERIOUS psychotherapy- and finally at 50 had it for the first time in my life. Four years later I am doing much better. I think you need same: serious psychotherapy so to RECONNECT. As i reconnect I get to UNDERSTAND that i am and was not a freak after all. i have the same basic needs as anyone else. And i went about getting those needs met teh best i could- ineffectively- but didn’t know any better.
    Wishing you reconnect with your abandoned self-
    anita

    #77797
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Charlotte,

    You have been given good advice by folks above.

    Here is the link to some added steps from this website itself:

    How to Move through Shame, Fear, and Regret

    GOD Bless !

    #77805
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Charlotte,

    When you see these patterns in relationships, it is likely because you are seeking something from the other person. Perhaps you feel better about yourself when someone wants to be with you, perhaps you don’t think you have the strength to make it on your own.

    Often, in relationships, we seek to find someone who “completes” us. The problem is that we don’t realize we are complete already! We look for someone to give us the sense of value, attention, and love that we can’t give ourselves.

    Look inwardly, and you may find the answers that will help you break the pattern.

    Bethany Rosselit
    http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.