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dazed and confused

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #99317
    william
    Participant

    First off thank you Anita for helping me with this site.
    Just so that everyone is aware, I already understand that I deserve a majority of the punishment that I am getting.
    I have been in my second marriage for almost twenty years, I have always believed in being faithful, and up until last year I always have been faithful. Over the last six years or so I have felt like my wife and I are more like roommates than anything. I have become emotionally numb. Along with being numb, I have also felt so alone. I have fallen in love with a coworker, who is also in a bad marriage. We started seeing each other nine months ago, made plans to divorce our spouses and have a life together. About three months ago she asked me if she would be stupid to try again to make it work with her husband, and me trying to lookout for her happiness. I told her that if her heart was still in her marriage then NO, it isn’t stupid! Problem is that we haven’t been able to give each other up! We still have this incredible need for each other, she wants me to see her and spend time with her, but not touch her. I’m really trying to just do the right thing and let her go but no matter how hard I try I just cant. I have never felt such an emotional connection to anyone in my entire life. Question is do I just continue to be there for her and bear the pain of not being able to act on my feelings and see if there still could be a future together, or bear even more pain and break all ties with her? Either way, I cant see much more of a future with my wife.

    #99322
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear William:

    I am glad you successfully started a new thread. I read it. I have to get off the computer for about five hours in a few moments and will re-read your post when I am back. In the meantime, maybe you can share more about what in the relationship with your co worker has been so special? What about it has been “such an emotional connection” of a different kind you had your entire life beforehand?

    anita

    #99325
    william
    Participant

    Anita

    thank you for responding…. I two have to leave for a bit, but I intend to tell more of the story.

    #99327
    Brav3
    Participant

    Here are some questions for you , answer only if you’d like to.

    1. When you say you feel like you and your wife are like roommates, is it because you lost that spark that you had earlier with her or is it because she is acting different now?

    2. You fallen for a co worker when your relationship with your wife is in turnmoil, is it coincidence ?

    #99344
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear william:

    I re-read your short post and I know you haven’t been back to it yet with telling more of the story. Until you do, my only comment would be that it makes sense to me that you cut contact with the co worker so that she can work on healing her marriage simply because this is what she wants to do. I am puzzled by her asking you if it is stupid for her to try to do that..

    Is it stupid of her? (More questions for you). You know the story of her marriage. Is her husband, maybe, such a person that it would be stupid of her to try to work it out?

    I wanted to give you some feedback and ended up asking another question.

    anita

    #99348
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi William,

    If the other woman didn’t exist, would you divorce your wife? Would you get a divorce whether there was someone else or not? Once you answer that, then you’ll know what to do.

    The hanging out with her and not touching her? That follows The Letter of the Law, but not the Spirit of the Law, if you know what I mean. You are using each other as scaffolding, but you are not the each other’s structure.

    Work it out with your wife. Or not! Maybe in ten or twenty years you and your friend can be together. Who knows? But concentrate on the Present right now.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #99426
    william
    Participant

    hello all…..

    sorry it took so long to get back with you, things are just bazar.
    I have told myself that if the right woman happened to come along that I would leave my wife and move on, I know how that sounds, but that’s the way I have felt for years. we both know that we have been unhappy for years, all though we get along pretty well, there just isn’t any spark, or attraction to one another any more, and no matter how hard we try….. its just not coming back. The coworker and I have this intense passion for one another! I have tried to walk away from her, but after a couple of days away from her, and especially not having any communication with her…..I start to go insane!!!I have never had this kind of a problem before, and I don’t know how to handle it! We both know what we are supposed to do…… we just cant seem to do it. Why cant it just be as simple as we really are meant to be together?

    #99428
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear william:

    You asked why can’t it just be as simple as you really are meant to be together.

    My answer: because you are married and she is married and that complicates things. For you and her to be together both need to divorce your present spouses. If you and her get divorced so to be with each other, it would be a bummer if either one of you found out that the passion for the other is gone.

    After all you had some passion with your current wife.. and then it was gone. Completely gone. Forever gone. Where did it go and how do you know your current passion will not be gone to… after the trouble of both of you getting divorced?

    And throughout the affair, if you continued to be sexually intimate with your wife while she continued to be sexually intimate with her husband, that can complicate the hell out of life. If this has been the case, how could you stand the idea of her with him…? And how do you bring yourself to be with your wife…? These are personal questions, but if talking about passion, this may be helpful to examine…

    anita

    #99429
    william
    Participant

    To add some……
    She says that she is trying to make her marriage work, but she says that she wont let me go and gets upset if I tell her that I will let her go. This is why I am so confused….. she keeps on changing the rules and the boundries, I’m not sure what my role is supposed to be. I just know that every time I make the decision to cut ties, I’m freaking miserable and really regret making that decision.

    #99431
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear william:

    Double posting. No wonder you are confused, dazed and confused. The woman you are so very passionate about is in another relationship! My previous point. I mean, she is with another man and is trying to work it out with him.

    Forget for a moment that she is married, think about it this way: you are passionate about a woman who lives and sleeps with another man. She chose the other man while trying to hold on to you (without any more touching between the two of you… if possible).

    anita

    #99432
    william
    Participant

    I absolutely agree… it’s really complicated!
    Neither one of us have wanted intimacy with our partners for a very very long time. As far as her not getting a divorce, she says that she is afraid of change. And believe me when I say that its more usual then not to loose that passion for each other in time when you have to deal with each other on a dayly basis.

    #99434
    william
    Participant

    I know that I need to let her go….. I just don’t know how. I just don’t have the straingth. It’s like as long as she will have me, I cant walk away! I need her to stop, but she tells me that she needs me!

    #99437
    william
    Participant

    I really wish I could explain it in a way that made sense, but it doesn’t make sense….. so its impossible.
    I really appreciate your time, and your input.

    just received a message from her insisting that I see her tonight….. I’m going to burn in hell!

    #99438
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear william:

    I suppose you have two walking away to do: one to walk away from your wife and the other to walk away from her. That could prove to be a relief once you accomplish these two walk-aways.

    As is now, you are “dazed and confused”- you are more likely to get into accidents this way, driving dazed and confused. It is not healthy or safe for you. So in effect, she is having a negative affect on you, and so, she is harmful to you. That is not loving of her, is it? To harm you… to cause you this confusion and distress as she is trying to make her marriage work. Quite selfish, isn’t it?

    Maybe you should walk away… the moment you conceive in your mind that it is possible for you to do so, then you can. The moment you think you can, then you can. What is that children’s story: The Train that Could…

    anita

    #99442
    Michelle
    Participant

    William,
    I have not seen any previous posts of yours other than what was posted on March 17. I have been in a similar situation, so I think I have a pretty good grasp on where you are. My question is if you truly feel numb in your marriage and you and your wife are living as roommates for the past six years, why not divorce? As for your girlfriend…she can’t truly work on her marriage if she’s keeping you on the side. If she is really working on her marriage, she needs to make the decision to give it 100% and she can’t do that and still see you at the same time. The fact that she says she won’t get a divorce because she’s afraid of change should tell you something. She doesn’t truly feel safe with you…if she did, there would be no fear. Does your wife know that you’ve been seeing someone else? How does your wife feel about the marriage and have the two of you done everything you can to improve your marriage or are you both ready to end it? None of you should settle for being the “other” woman/man. If you truly want someone else, make a clean break and go for it. Clean up the mess you’re in before you create another one. I found out the hard way that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side…it’s green where you water it. Decide where you want to water. Sorry about all the metaphors! 🙂

    Good luck to you!

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