Dear Sosaado:

“Old topic, but I experienced the same, so I completely understand“-

– First, a bit of the old topic: Tessa/ Sadpeach posted twice on her thread: an original post on Oct 14, 2016, and a second post 2 days later, on Oct 16, 2016, over 7 years ago. At the time, Sadpeach was 23-years-old, working as a graphic designer with a history of “a perfect childhood filled with softball, block parties, and best friends… raised in an upper-middle class lifestyle… we grew up in a normal household“.

She presented her sisters’ mental illnesses as having been caused by genetics, and then added: “my mother is a narcissist… My mother often times acts like a rude 16 year old, starting fights with my 28 year old sister“, and it reads to me that Sadpeach was suggesting that her mother was not always a narcissist and/ or that there is no connection between her mother’s narcissism (suspected, not diagnosed, I assume) and her sisters’ mental illnesses (suspected or diagnosed, I don’t know).

In her second post, a reply to me, Sadpeach wrote: “My 28 year old sister has some deep rooted issues with my mother, however for the most part we all agree that we had a perfect childhood“.

Second, to your Jn 7, 2024 post, Sosaado: you shared that your 2 siblings “at early 20 (have) become personality disrupted and their mental health is worsening, along with parents, which were normal when I was born“-

– reads like your understanding is similar to Sadpeach’s: your siblings’ mental health problems or illnesses developed following a normal (or perfect) childhood because of some faulty genetics that bypassed the parents but affected the children in their early 20s, a genetic fate. And so, you feel “cursed by ill fate“.

“I’m only normal person in family of four people…one of (your siblings)…  exploiting parents financially and emotionally over 10 years, lazy, do not want to work, paranoid, psychotic, threatening with suicide. Do not want to visit psychiatrist“- one of your siblings is paranoid and psychotic but not diagnosed (since she wouldn’t visit a psychiatrist)?

“Sometimes, on photos we were normal family as others family, nice smiling mother, who loved her motherhood and proud father. Our home was tidy, there was enough of food. Now it is four abusive tyrants, dirty home, mess everywhere, trauma to live there even a day“-

– my best guess as to what happened is that your parents’ mental health issues were there from the beginning, before children were added to the family. And as time went on (like mud rolling down a hill, more and more mud is added to it as it moves down the hill), mental health issues spread to the children, and everyone’s mental issues got bigger and bigger.

Like a wound that’s untreated for too long, it becomes more and more severe over time.

Those split of a second moments captured on photos, when parents pose in front of the camera, do not portray ongoing reality.

“I was not exception. In early 20s, I started (to) abuse drugs to deal with pain, and after time, I get mental breakdown and I had to visit psychiatrist. There was psychotic mental illness genetically in our family genetics. I was taking medicine for while and get through psychotherapy. I’m healthy now“-

– Psychotherapy does not retroactively change the genes you were born with, so genetics is not fate when it comes to most mental health issues, or the extent or severity of most issues. The idea that mental illness in general (not a specific diagnosis) is determined by genetics alone, and therefore, parents who happened to bypass those genes, change from healthy, normal, loving and tidy parents => to mentally sick parents because their children happened to be affected by such genes..  is not true.

You advised Sadpeach: “I totally understand you how it is like to be only normal person in whole family. Although it’s rare, you are not alone. There are more like us, I believe. They simply move out from family, I think, if it is possible to start a new life, find healthy people, maybe have own healthy family which brings them joy. You are not obligated to be their Saviour because of few stupid shared genes. You are not expected to nothing. You are just expected to care about yourself and make yourself happy and that is your priority“-

– excellent advice, Sosaado, and I hope that you materialize your own advice in your own life and continue to be Your Own Saviour: move out and away from your family-of-origin, act for the benefit of your own mental health, prioritize and  promote it, and find other people who do the same. This way you make the world a bit better, a bit healthier.

anita

Dear Blazkwich:

I want to add before leaving the computer for a while, that things are not as bad as you feel them to be. One day, maybe soon, you will feel so MUCH better than you feel. Also, you can learn from your experience and behave in more effective ways in the future. Keep in mind that none of us is perfect, we all make mistakes, and we are .. in this life together. You are not alone!

anita

Dear Blazkwich:

First, I want to say that I am sorry for the heartbreak you are going through. Although this has been a short and turbulent relationship, you grew very attached to her and therefore, you have been suffering a lot. I hope that you will feel better and better soon enough.

Next, I will be re-reading your original post and the posts that followed, as well as the most recent, quoting from what you shared and typing away my thoughts about the quotes. This is what I normally do in threads I reply to.

(I am the one adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “My girlfriend of 5 months just broke up with me…  Our relationship started as long distance we didn’t meet a lot of times but we used to talk daily for hours whenever we had time… she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days… I gave her space again and then after a month of infrequent communication she left me… she broke up with me in the middle of her exams, she wasn’t in contact for like a week “-

– The five months relationship did not include a lot of meetings in-person, maybe only a few (?), and within these 5 months there were times of no communication for periods of 2-3 days to a week. This is a short (however long it may feel to you) and unstable relationship from the get go. Seems like the closeness, in terms of time spent together, was mostly in those hours long talks on the phone.

Let’s look at the nature and intensity of your emotional attachment to her, an attachment formed within those 5 months: “I even met her after her cat passed away and she constantly reassured me and talked about future plans”- this means that you were anxious about her ending the relationship and she reassured you that she was not ending the relationship, that there was a future to it.

” We had a fight and I kind of exploded because I was bottling up so many stuff“- there were a lot of distressing thoughts and emotions within you about this (objectively) very short relationship.

“The breakup is affecting me a lot but now I am genuinely concerned for her health because I feel at this rate she will just continue to ruin her health…  she just doesn’t seem like herself anymore ever since the passing and I am unable to see her in this state…  the thought that she can do something harmful scares me..  no, this is the first time she got drunk… I don’t think she’s suicidal but these things can harm her in other ways. Am I being too concerned here?.. ever since the breakup I am unable to sleep or do any tasks“-

– Seems like there are no objective reasons to be concerned for her health since she has no history or pattern of alcohol or drug abuse, does not experience suicidal thoughts that you are aware of,  and she is busy being a student (as opposed to being idle, doing nothing). Seems like you are projecting your experience into her: that it is you who are in this state, that you don’t seem like himself, and that it is your health may be ruined if you continue to suffer from lack of sleep and motivation in every day tasks.

Blazkwich, did you hear or read about Attachment Styles, particularly the anxious attachment style? There is a lot of online information about it as well as books and workbooks aimed to educate and help individuals with this attachment style. Here is just a bit about it from psychology today: “The anxious attachment style is always concerned about the stability or security of the relationship. People with this attachment style tend to agonize over the meaning of words or actions by a partner. They read negatives into otherwise neutral or positive interactions. They also tend to crave constant reassurance that the relationship is secure, and the affection and love are still present”- any of this reads familiar to you, as far as your experience in romantic relationships?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“All those times he later said ‘oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,’ all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain“- he knew that he was not joking. He said what he said knowing that he wanted you to feel pain as a result of what he said.

“because what other reason could he have for all those things?“- no other reason.

“I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him….I will let this question sit in my mind right now ‘did I ever intentionally cause him pain?’“- even if you did on one or two occasions want him to feel pain and then saying or doing something with that purpose in mind, it doesn’t make you deserving of a lifetime of this being done to you. The solution is not punishment for you forever more, or even for another day, a week, or month (of resuming a relationship with him). The solution is for you to become more aware and a better and better person over time as far as your action is concerned.

This is my strategy in regard to myself. I am not a finished product: I am still becoming a better person, this is my intent and practice.

Remember that it’s not what we feel but what we do (speech and deeds) over time that makes us god or bad people.

“when he said ‘you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.‘”- reads manipulative to me.

“He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right?“- I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.

“The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination?“- yes, I think so.

“the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup“- I don’t think of him as an emotionally honest person, so even if he uttered words that expressed shock, I don’t know if he felt shocked. (I am sure the breakup was a hurt to his ego, though).

I wrote to you: “from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you..”, and you responded: “This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?“- I think that your heart and sacral chakras were vibrating so intensely that you were oaky, or almost okay with a lower vibrational crown chakras: yours.. and his.

“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”

“This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me… I said ‘You just have such bad vibes sometimes’ I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me’“- I like that Post yoga, Thanksgiving inspired crown chakra vibration!

“He did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety…  he was constantly high… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief… I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me”-

– I didn’t know of the extent of what seems to be his cannabis use disorder and addiction. This addiction and disorder makes the prognosis for a healthy relationship for him even poorer than I thought before.

“I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change“- he could, but what is the statistical chance of that happening.. 1%,  5%?

“There is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again“- I agree.

“I am fairly certain I am the only one he told…  Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship”- a handful of percentiles (1-5%) that he would change.

“You are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here“- there is a saying (paraphrased): even a broken clock is truthful twice every 24 hours.

“With learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within… (I) helped him open up a little… But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation“- imagine (or not) this being the theme of a lifetime with him…

“This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!”- don’t know if such exists… something to research perhaps…?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“Everything changed after the passing this is why I am still hopeful that she’ll return“- You are hoping that once enough time passes from the time she lost of her cat, once she adequately grieves the loss, she will be back to the way she was with you prior to the loss (“she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days“), which is better than no contact with you at all. Do I understand correctly? Would it be okay with resuming a relationship where you are being stonewalled for 2-3 days at a time?

“I can try to be there as a friend if the relationship is the issue”- Question is can you succeed in being there for her as a friend; can you hold back all romantic and physical attraction to her and be there for her as a platonic friend in-practice, day in and day out over a potentially extended period of time?

“Honestly I don’t know what to do anymore or even if there is something I can do, but I would prefer waiting over moving-on from this relationship and the thought that she can do something harmful scares me even more. What would you suggest?”-

– I don’t think that you are emotionally ready to move on, so I wouldn’t suggest that you move on. As far as trying to help her as a friend, before I suggest more, I will wait for your answers to the above, and ask you one more question: did she express suicidal thoughts to you or to anyone else, any gestures in that regard.. and is her drinking and getting drunk a usual occurrence, best you know?

anita

Dear Grace:

“The first day we met, he told me about his trip, which was coming up in about a year and a half from then. He made it clear early on that he would be going on his trip alone because that was his plan, and it was important that he stuck to it“- he was honest with you from the get-go.

“We were together then for about a year and a half and our relationship was great. We were each others best friend, went on vacations… I read something he wrote about me that said ‘I am so in love with her mind. I hope that when I settle down its with her or someone just like her’“- a great pre-trip relationship.

“He’s been gone for about 3 months now. We talk on the phone… It has been so hard, I miss him so much. I feel like I’ve just been waiting on him to come home and not knowing when he will… I haven’t healed at all in 3 months since he left because I am just missing him. It hurts talking and it hurts not talking too…I fully support him being on this trip and having this time, but I want to be with him when he comes home“- I am guessing that during the pre-trip period, while you supported him going on his trip by himself, you did not anticipate it being as difficult as it turned out for you. .. you thought it’d be easier?

I wonder if you are angry with him that he didn’t change his mind during the pre-trip period, and taken you with him, or at least offered for the two of you to travel together?

“I told him yesterday that I can’t be friends anymore, that I need time, and can’t talk for a while… I have so much doubt. Did I do the wrong thing? Should I maintain our relationship or is not speaking at all the better thing to do?… Maintaining things OR moving on and letting him go..“-

– depends on whether you feel angry with him, and depends on whether he promised you that he will remain faithful to you during his trip (?)  or did he say that he is not sure about his future with you following the trip?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I thought about what I said I’ll think about. A disclaimer first: I am the last person in the world.. well, one of the last to ask about making money because of lack of personal experience and interest in the matter of making or earning money. Also, I didn’t research anything online in preparation for my answer. Here is my idea: Seaturtle the Influencer.

I met one influencer in-person a few months ago for the first time and spent a few hours around her, She introduced the word Influencer to me, or the term Online Influencer. Never heard of it before nor did I research it since. She, the Influencer had a strong Presence, and thinking chakras, I can see now that she had (real or the appearance of.. seemed real) a very vibrating heart chakra and her other chakras (sacral and crown, the only two other chakras I know something about) seemed to be vibrating in unison.

You, Seaturtle, are the most chakra vibrating in-unison member I ever communicated with here in the forums, and for a long time. You stand out this way big time. So, therefore, I thought that you have something to offer many people, many thousands, maybe much more, particularly perhaps young people who feel lost in the world of conflict, war and a climate that’s becoming hotter, drier and/ or crazy. Many influencers make money, some make a lot of money (I imagine that primarily sacral vibrations are common among the latter, which has always- since biblical times- a way to make money, and I do not recommend to you, of course).

Now to the rest of your yesterday’s post: “I think it should be part of women’s yearly health to get an ultrasound, my doctor said they don’t get to 15cm over night at it has been growing for several years“- part of preventive care, yes. Wikipedia/ ovarian tumor mentions a 112 lbs. ovarian tumor removed from a 31-year-old patient from Pennsylvania back in 1882. She weighed 187 lbs. before the removal, and 75 lbs. after, so it reads (really???)<sup id=”cite_ref-11″ class=”reference”></sup>

“True. and then again sad for him he won’t ever experience a woman who’s chakras are all open to him, a connection a partner of mine will be lucky to experience with me“- a man lacking the receptors for your chakra vibrations, or a man with Teflon guards around such receptors… will not experience them. Maybe just a bit here and there, a vibration that happens to bypass a guard, in this or that moment, temporarily.

“Dancing sounds fun too, but like free style dancing with loud music and people, I’ve taken dance classes and I don’t like to be told how to dance ha“- I can’t dance in any way other than free style, I can’t follow dance instructions, don’t have that ability. I can see how you- even if you are able to follow such instructions- you wouldn’t, being a free spirit, not wanting to submit to rules (dance rules)?

anita