Dear Zenith:

When I heard of the stampede during the Hindu festival in India earlier, I thought about you because you shared long ago about those festivals, how they made you feel. How are you and how do you feel about it, and otherwise?

anita

Dear Peter:

“It seems you, Anita and I struggle with a similar deep wound of having been told who we were and believing it”- this is where labeling is necessary as I see it: we have to label parts of what we were told and believed about ourselves False, and what we are growing into believing- True.

Repeating positive affirmations in regard to new beliefs is not enough. The labeling has to advance farther, to be made clearer and more comprehensive, to sink in deeper and deeper. As I imagine the child-me right now, the young child- I feel resistance to the label “good”. I doubt it. Of course, impatience with this resistance can only backfire. Maintaining anger toward my mother, the person who introduced and instilled the bad-label, has proven ineffective, having backfired and kept me stuck.

* Thank you Peter for making me realize the above about my anger for the first time in my life, here on your thread!

It’s natural to not change core beliefs, such as I-am-bad, quickly and thoroughly. There are too many neurons and pathways between neurons, too much interplay between neuropathways to allow a simple, quick change.

“I think you defined Skillful hope best in the previous post ‘My Hope now is to say YES to me being me'”- The belief and label I-am-good is necessary for the purpose of me saying YES to being me.

Question is: what is good and was I born good? I think that we are born with the need and desire to please our caregivers, a survival need which can be seen as “good” because it’s about pleasing people. I believe that this early desire to please caregivers and other adults in our early lives, like teachers, can be expanded into a desire- as adults- to help people who are in pain and in need for help even though such help/ pleasing-others is not needed for our own personal survival.

I think that this is what is making me a good person today: the desire and commitment to do-no-harm coupled with a desire and commitment to help- not for self-centered or selfish purposes but because of a sense of connection with other humans, as in: we are all in the same boat: when I help you, I help myself; when I help myself, I help you.

“The hero’s Hope was that when times were hard and victory unlikely, they would stand and press forward remaining true to themselves and their friends… I think, if I dare to hope, it is the fool’s hope”- my goal then is to remain true to my commitments to do-no-harm and to help others and myself regardless of external circumstances.

After all, in the past I was miserable not only in bad external circumstances, but also in good external circumstances, sooner or later, because I believed that I was a bad person and understandably, I didn’t believe that it was right that I’d be true to a bad person. There is a line from a song that comes to my mind, translated: “a man lives within himself’, or “inside himself”. Peace of mind, thriving in life cannot take place in the external locations and circumstances of our lives unless it predominantly takes place in that short distance between our ears.

“Even with all the positive work we have done to return to that ‘stillness where no work is required’, we can still slip into depression. Wounds can heal but forgetting and transforming memory is another thing. Even the transformed memory remembers its source… A beginners mind would then be a mind free of Karma, free of attachment to memory. Easier said then done. I am reminded of that quote – that we see the world not as it is but as we are”- very well said!

“Hope it seems is not for wimps”- an original expression, articulated by Peter who is indeed not a wimp at all 🙂

anita

Dear Peter:

“I suspect a notion that most children have of being wrong is behind most of our struggles. Mine came from religion. I see in my journal quite a few attempts at trying to come to terms with the notion of ‘original as my understanding of ‘original sin’ was and is firmly connected to disobedience. (As I write that I notice anger – all the times I was told I could fix by obeying and didn’t question so much. FYI telling a type 5 not to question is telling them not to be.)”-

– The concept of original sin originates from the biblical account of Adam and Eve’s disobedience in the Garden of Eden, resulting in (my words), God overreacting to the smallest obedience imaginable by expelling humanity into a lifetime of Failure to Fix. Because you can’t fix an inherent fault that you were born with (“Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me”, Psalms 51:5, a fault that all humans share and no one can escape, prevent or avoid (“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”, Romans 3:23), an utterly Unfixable Flaw, one that is beyond cure (“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure”, Jeremiah 17:9)

Guilt and shame are powerful tools for controlling people. By internalizing the shame and guilt that accompany the concept, people are easily controlled within families and societies.

You felt anger, Peter, when reflecting on how you were told that you could “fix” yourself by obeying without question, having your natural curiosity and individuality suppressed for the sake of fixing what authority insists cannot be fixed. It’s a deception- to push people to fix what is stated as unfixable.

You wait your whole life for the reward (being declared Good… Finally), a reward that never comes for a lifetime (and then you are promised the reward posthumously: heaven).

“I read a book way back ‘Surprised by Joy’ and thought their should be a book ‘Surprised by depression’ as it tends so sneak up on me. I’m never quite sure why but there it is”- Much of my life I was depressed because I believed that I was inherently faulty, unacceptable, bad (the personal presentation of original sin that I was subjected to).

The unexpected joy were moments when I forgot. I forgot what I just stated. These were precious breaks, only moments, or short periods of time because I quickly remembered or I was reminded.

Skillful Hope then is about no longer feeling joy or hope when forgetting, but feeling these while remembering, remembering that we were good at the start, at our very beginnings, not faulty at all. Abandoning Original Sin, Adopting Original Innocence…?

anita

Dear Substantial:

Based on the detailed post and the questions you asked at the end, I can infer certain aspects of your childhood experiences that shaped some of your current behavior and feelings in the relationship.

It’s possible that as a child, you experienced a parentification dynamic where you took on caregiving responsibilities for your parents or siblings, placing yourself on the sidelines and prioritizing their needs. This often leads to an ingrained need to please others and take care of them at the expense of one’s own needs.

Growing up in a home where a parent’s love and approval are conditional on a child’s ability to please the parent or meet their needs, often results in a pattern of over-giving to seek validation and affection.

If your caregivers/ parents were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or neglectful, you could have developed a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This fear can manifest in adult relationships as anxiety, clinginess, and the need for constant reassurance.

The anxiety you feel when trying to focus on your own life rather than over-giving suggests a strong fear that you might lose your partner’s love and attention if you don’t constantly prioritize her needs (same as what you feared as a child: that if you don’t always prioritize a parent’s needs, you will get any love or positive attention?)

Growing up in a critical or invalidating home leads to low self-esteem, internalizing beliefs that you are not worthy of love unless you are constantly giving and pleasing others.

The constant overthinking and questioning of the relationship indicate deep-rooted insecurities about your worth and the stability of the relationship.

I would like to try and answer the questions you asked toward the end of your original post:

1. “Am I too needy?”- It’s natural to want affection and attention in a relationship. Reflecting on whether these needs stem from childhood/ past experiences (before you met your partner) or current dynamics can help you understand and address them better.

2. “Do I have low self-esteem?”- Your post does indicate struggles with self-esteem. Building self-worth independently of the relationship (perhaps within psychotherapy) is crucial.

3. “Does she really love and care about me?”- Love can be expressed in different ways, and sometimes mismatched love languages can create misunderstandings. Maybe your love language is Acts of Service, and hers is Words of Affirmation (I don’t know). Honest conversations about how you both express and perceive love can provide clarity.

You wrote: “For me, the concept of love is you are there to give to the other person, be a source of happiness and peace for that person”- But if you grew up unloved, unhappy and not in peace- without significant healing since (as in psychotherapy), it is not possible for a romantic partner to make you feel loved, happy and in peace, not for long, no matter how hard she may try.

You wrote: “I then tell her that even if she puts in the effort, it comes after I’ve asked for it, making it seem forced. To which she tells me I don’t give her space to do anything for me”- You have specific expectations about how care and affection should be expressed in the relationship (love language). Your girlfriend might feel pressured to meet these expectations, feeling controlled and confined to your love language. She may perceive that there is little room for her own way of expressing care (her own love language).

The fact that you ask for certain actions and then feel the efforts are forced highlights a dynamic where her possibly spontaneous acts of care/ love are less valued, maybe they go unnoticed. In other words, you may see the expression of love rigidly, as in almost limited to one love language, and you’ve been trying to force her to express her love in that one language, dismissing or not even noticing her own love language or languages.

You wrote: “She thinks she can’t make me happy, no matter what she does I always complain and whine about it”- her statement suggests that your need for validation may be insatiable. Indeed, when needs from childhood are significantly or severely unmet for too long, no amount of love in adulthood can satisfy those unmet needs, not without a healing process such that can take place within competent psychotherapy.

The communication issues and arguments within the relationship highlight that both partners, you and your girlfriend, are likely triggering each other’s emotional wounds. Your need for constant reassurance might trigger her feelings of inadequacy or pressure, while her perceived lack of love triggers your fears of being unloved and unworthy of love.

4. “Am I with the right person?”- Determining if you’re with the right person involves assessing compatibility, shared values, and mutual respect. It is possible that you’ve been re-experiencing, at least in part, your past childhood struggles in the context of your romantic relationship as an adult.

5. “Is this how relationships work?”- Healthy relationships shouldn’t lead to one person feeling consistently undervalued or anxious. So, no, it is not how a healthy relationship works.

6. “What went wrong between us? (As for the early 7-8 months in the relationship, we never fought)”- Initial phases of relationships often involve the “honeymoon period” where conflicts are minimal, a period of time when you felt loved perhaps. As the relationship progresses, differences and unmet needs (from childhood and otherwise) surface.

7. “Am I being too feminine?”- Attributes like nurturing, empathy, and expressing feelings are not inherently feminine or masculine; they are human traits. It’s important to embrace and honor your authentic self without labeling these qualities as feminine or masculine.

8. “Do I love her more than she loves me?”- reads to me that you need her more than she needs you, a need that was born in childhood, way before you met her.

9. “Is she using me?”- reflect on what are the advantages to her in the relationship with you, what are the practical and emotional benefits for her?

10. “Is she right to be self-centered, and that’s how one should be in a relationship, or she’s a narcissist?”- I’ll answer this with a question: growing up, who was indeed self-centered, very self-centered, not even noticing what you needed, what you felt and needed?

anita

Dear Substantial:

Thank you for sharing your detailed and heartfelt thoughts. It sounds like you’re navigating a complex and emotionally challenging situation. Here are some reflections and suggestions that might help you gain clarity:

It’s understandable to feel frustrated when you believe you’re putting in more effort than your partner. Relationships ideally involve mutual give-and-take, where both partners actively contribute to each other’s happiness and well-being.

Open communication is key. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly while also listening to her perspective. This can help both of you understand each other’s expectations and find a middle ground.

Over-giving to the point of losing yourself can lead to burnout and resentment. It’s crucial to maintain a balance where you also prioritize your own needs and well-being.

The anxiety you feel might be a signal that something needs to change. Addressing this anxiety through self-care practices and possibly seeking professional help can provide relief.

Your concept of love involves selflessness and going out of one’s way for the other person. Reflect on whether your values, goals, and expectations align. Compatibility is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Consider whether issues related to self-esteem or insecurities might be influencing your perception of the relationship. Building self-confidence can help you approach the relationship from a place of strength.

Setting healthy boundaries can ensure that your needs are met without compromising your well-being.

It’s understandable to feel hurt when your efforts to visit her aren’t reciprocated. Look for compromises that work for both of you, such as alternating visits or finding convenient meeting points.

Consider seeking (more and better) therapy to explore your feelings, anxieties, and relationship dynamics. A therapist can provide valuable insights and strategies for navigating these challenges. If both of you are open to it, couples therapy can help address underlying issues and improve communication.

Take the time to reflect on your needs, values, and the overall dynamics of the relationship. Trust your instincts and make a decision that prioritizes your well-being and happiness. Navigating relationships can be complex, especially when feelings of imbalance and anxiety are involved. Remember to prioritize your well-being, communicate openly, and seek professional guidance if needed. You deserve a relationship where both partners actively contribute and support each other.

I hope to read more from you and have a conversation with you!

anita

Dear Peter:

Peter, Jan 10, a quote (I am adding big case letters): “We must renounce our childhood vows. They TRAP OUR HEARTS… we BELIEVE the LIE and make the VOW. It is important to break the vow so it may not have a strong hold on our hearts”- my childhood vow: From now on, from today on, I will be a good girl!

What TRAPPED MY HEART was the LIE that yesterday I was bad, and if I am not careful today- if I don’t follow the rules or in the absence of external rules, make my own rules (“Rules 4 Life”)- I will be as bad today as I was yesterday.

It is important for me to break the vow because it traps my heart in the desire to be good.

If I know that I am good, I no longer desire to be good. What other desire may take the place of the-desire-to-be-good?

The desire for the experience of life beyond the trap of waiting-to-be-good. A sigh of relief. Running through an imaginary field of green grass, the gentle sun above, a child running, falling, lying on the ground frozen in time for decades, then getting up, an older woman resuming the run across field of green grass. Perhaps briskly walking across, don’t think I can run, not like a child ca run. Too hard for my aging knees.

I am so very tired today, Peter, feeling a bit depressed. Be back tomorrow.

anita

Dear Peter:

I asked you: “If you ask peter the young boy: ‘what do you hope for?’ What will he say?”, and you answered: “Funny Sad that just reading that question I feel a tightness in my lower abdomen as my hope as a young boy came from a place of fear and anxiety or you might say discomfort and the Hope was for comfort because discomfort was not only bad but ‘sin’. I’m afraid my Hope was not for Life but to change what cannot be changed. In other words as a young boy I was unknowingly saying a big NO to Life while believing I could fix it by being good and following all the rules”-

– Processing: you described your childhood hope as stemming from fear and anxiety. This implies that your primary motivation for hope was to escape and prevent discomfort (fear, anxiety) rather than to seek positive experiences.

You linked discomfort with being “bad” or even “sinful.” The use of these terms implies a moral judgment. It indicates that you viewed discomfort not just as an unpleasant experience but as a sign of personal failing or moral inadequacy, believing perhaps that any discomfort you felt was a reflection of your own shortcomings or wrongdoings.

Generally, these beliefs in children are shaped by external expectations or teachings by caregivers, authority figures, or cultural and religious norms. Examples of how such a message is sent to a child by a caregiver: (1) the caregiver dismisses the child’s fear or anxiety by saying things like, “Stop being a baby”, “There’s nothing to be afraid of”, or “Why are you always so scared? You’re such a coward”. This can make the child feel that their emotions are invalid, that experiencing them is wrong, and that feeling fear is a personal failing.

(2) the caregiver rolling their eyes, sighing, or showing impatience when the child expresses fear, sending the message that the child’s emotions are unwelcome or bothersome.

(3) the caregiver Ignores the child’s expressions of fear or anxiety, making the child feel that their emotions are not worthy of attention or support.

Some religious teachings emphasize the idea that fear is a lack of faith or trust in a higher power. For example, messages like, “If you truly had faith, you wouldn’t be afraid”, associating fear and anxiety with sinfulness or moral weakness, leading the child to feel guilty and a failure for feeling fear.

In cultures that value emotional restraint, children are taught that showing fear or anxiety is a sign of weakness. Phrases like, “Real men don’t cry” or “You need to toughen up” reinforce the idea that fear is unacceptable.

Cultures that emphasize success and perfection convey the message that fear and anxiety are obstacles to achievement and should be overcome or hidden to maintain an image of competence.

Portrayals of fearless heroes in movies, TV shows, and books create an ideal that fearlessness is a desirable trait, leading children to feel inadequate for experiencing fear.

Role models, such as parents, teachers, or public figures, who emphasize courage and downplay fear, may inadvertently make children feel that their own fears are unacceptable.

Back to your words, Peter, your reflected that your hope as a child was not directed towards embracing life but rather towards changing what could not be changed, and that you believed that by being good and following all the rules, you could “fix” your discomfort. For you, following rules became a control mechanism, believing perhaps that if you behaved perfectly and met all expectations, you would avoid negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, or guilt.

Generally, rigid conformity involves a lack of flexibility in behavior and thinking. It means strictly following rules without considering context or personal needs. This mindset leads to suppressing one’s true self and emotions to fit into a mold of what is perceived as “good” or acceptable, and it reflects a misunderstanding of the nature of emotions, which cannot always be controlled through external behaviors. Over time, this suppression can lead to resentment and frustration, as the individual’s authentic self is not being acknowledged or expressed.

Believing that one’s worth is tied to rule-following leads to conditional self-worth. This means feeling worthy only when meeting certain standards or expectations. Failure to meet these standards can result in harsh self-criticism.

Using rule-following as a coping mechanism is ineffective for managing emotions in the long term. It does not address the root causes of fear and anxiety and can prevent the development of healthier emotional regulation strategies. It can also lead to avoidance of situations that might evoke negative emotions, limiting personal growth and experiences.

“Krishnamurti made an argument that most of our hope really represented a fear. And that one hoped when one was in despair… Years ago I determined that if one was to hope unskillfully it was best not to hope at all, which I still think, only I didn’t give up on the notion of learning to hope skillfully. It’s why I want to revisit my relationship with Hope – Krishnamurti not wrong but surprising myself, my gut says there is a Hope that, yes, we might turn to in times of trouble, but isn’t about fixing that trouble, or comparing, or even becoming… Though I feel such a hope would bring one closer to a ‘true self’. Kind of the Joy and sorrow relationship? Maybe? Language is going to get in the way, but think I’m in a space to explore it.”-

-Processing: Krishnamurti argues that hope often stems from a place of fear and despair. When individuals are in despair, they look for hope as a way to alleviate their suffering. This aligns with your earlier reflection, Peter, on your childhood hope being rooted in fear and anxiety.

You acknowledge that unskillful hope, which is rooted in fear and the desire to fix external circumstances can be unhelpful, and you now seek to explore a different kind of hope— one that isn’t about fixing trouble, comparing, or achieving. Your desire to revisit his relationship with hope indicates a shift towards acceptance and finding meaning in life’s experiences without the need to control or fix them. This aligns with the idea of moving away from rigid conformity and towards a more authentic and self-accepting approach.

“As a young boy I was unknowingly saying a big NO to Life while believing I could fix it by being good and following all the rules. (I think you had a similar experience with taking on the label of bad, if for different reasons? I wonder if most children do?)”-

– a lot of people can relate to this, and so can I. I believed that if I followed all the rules, I would become good and worthy of a good life. For a long time after I started my first quality psychotherapy in 2011, I was still compelled to make rules for myself. I used to type rules and print them on papers titled “Rules 4 Life”, then sign them. I believed, every time I typed, printed and signed 10-20 rules, or more, that I would follow them perfectly and that I just started a good life, being a good person worthy of a good life. Each such time ended with a new Rules 4 Life, a new effort. Talking about the futility of Rigid Conformity.

My Hope now is to say YES to me being me, a person who is no longer primarily suppressed and repressed, but expressed according to the values I believe in (do-no-harm is one), to undo the difficulty in processing my own feelings of conflict and despair: to let life live through me, as Hokusai Says (the poem)- to let my emotions (energy in-motion) flow through me, unrestricted by labels or rules.

My whole life I wanted to be good and worthy of that peace of mind that evaded me. As a way of life (a non-life), I was holding my breath literally (restricted inhaling & exhaling) and figuratively, following rules (and breaking them) until such time that I can breathe again, inhale, exhale, all the way, comfortably.

I wrote above: “Using rule-following as a coping mechanism is ineffective for managing emotions in the long term. It does not address the root causes of fear and anxiety”- the root cause of my ongoing anxiety has always been the devastating belief that I was a bad person waiting to be good.

Yesterday, I wrote to you: “In childhood, time has a different quality, a timeless quality, and when tragedy hits, there’s a forever feel to it”- the tragedy that hit me and stayed persistently for decades, is the accusation that I was a bad person, and that I was a bad person from a time before I had a chance to have a say about it: a chance to correct any (what?) bad deeds. The accusation just fell from the skies (my mother= god) and crushed me for so very long.

I will go over your thread from the beginning and connect it to Hope- in a later post.

anita