Dear Dafne,

Happy New Year to you too! 🌟 It’s wonderful to read from you again. Your words of appreciation mean a lot to me. I’m grateful that you find the insights and support from Tee and me helpful.

I also hope that Tee is doing well and is in good health. She has indeed been a remarkable support for many.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences so openly. I can feel the depth of your reflections and the emotional journey you’re on. It’s not easy to recognize and confront the unhealthy dynamics in our relationships, but your awareness is a significant step toward healing and growth.

Regarding Your Mother, you shared: “living together affects me in a very negative way. There are periods of smiles and good moments, but I can feel that it won’t last as she will get moody again, searching for a fight, and the blaming, and complaining will start again. I need to escape somehow”-

– her mood swings create a sense of unpredictability and instability in your living environment. This emotional rollercoaster is exhausting and stressful. She tends to seek out conflicts: this behavior creates a hostile and tense atmosphere for you. There are brief periods of smiles and good moments, providing temporary relief and a false sense of hope. However, these moments are overshadowed by the recurring negative behaviors.

You are aware that the good moments are short-lived and that your mother’s negative behavior will inevitably return. This cyclical pattern of hope and disappointment contributes to a sense of helplessness.

Her habit of blaming and complaining is emotionally draining as it places a constant burden on you. Constant criticism and blame erode self-esteem and self-worth, leading to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

The accumulation of negative experiences and emotional strain makes a person feel overwhelmed and desperate to escape the situation. Escaping from this situation is not just about physical distance but also about finding a healthy emotional space. In other words, a mother such as yours (and mine) is detrimental to her daughter’s health, and the desire to escape her is a natural response to the overwhelming stress and emotional drain caused by such a mother.

Your recognition that her treatment of you is not right and that you deserve better is essential. It’s understandable to feel stuck, especially when past therapy experiences were not helpful, and living in a remote area limits your options.

* I used to liken my mother (who displayed similar behaviors as your mother) to an emotional vampire, where she temporarily feels better by making me feel bad, draining my emotional energy on a regular basis. In practice, by making me feel bad, she experienced a temporary sense of relief from her own negative emotions. This release, however, was always short-lived and didn’t address the root cause of her distress.

When criticizing and blaming me (which she did A LOT), she anticipated my reactions, such as feeling upset, guilty, or apologetic. These reactions were familiar and expected because they occurred many times before. By knowing how I will react, she felt that she had the power to influence and control my emotions. She knew what to expect and was able to rely on the same outcome each time, which gave her a sense of stability and control. This sense of power was comforting to her because she felt powerless in her life otherwise. By eliciting predictable reactions from her daughter, she experienced- temporarily- a sense of order and control that she did not experience elsewhere.

And because such relief was temporary, she had to repeat, shame and guilt-trip me again and again, so to experience more and more moments of relief and power.

I remember her shaming me (with piercing, shame-loaded words) and then quietly looking at my face intently with a tiny smile and visible excitement, excitedly waiting for few seconds or so, to see the shame registering on my face.

Making me feel bad established a power dynamic where she felt dominant, powerful and in control of me. By creating a dynamic where I felt responsible for her (lack of) happiness, she ensured that I remained emotionally dependent on her. This dependency reinforced her sense of control and reduced her fear that I will abandon her.

As a result, I felt emotionally drained and exhausted, every day, from constantly absorbing her negativity. I experienced a low, low self-esteem, inadequacy and guilt. I felt very much stuck living with her and day-dreamed about living away and free from her. When I finally moved out, I felt intense euphoria, a great feeling of freedom. Unfortunately, because I kept talking with her on the phone and visiting her in-person, my experience of emotional freedom was short-lived, until recently. It took a while of no-contact for me to start feeling free. (No-contact was extremely difficult for me because of the guilt).

Regarding romantic relationships: It’s vital to find a partner who genuinely respects and supports you, not just as an escape route. Desperation and fear can cloud judgment, leading to choices that are not in your best interest.

Your concerns about the man you met online are valid. The red flags you mentioned, such as the suspicious project in Asia, unrealistic stories about his parents, and his inconsiderate suggestions, all point to a lack of trustworthiness.

“He showed me an official letter… Do you think it could be true?… Maybe he was afraid that I could verify it? Also, when he talks about this project it sounds like a recording. He repeats himself all over again. Is that a sign of any illness like autism or it could indicate that he is making things up?… Is there any way that I could verify his identity? The story about his parents seems unrealistic to me… How could I find out the truth without offending him? Does that seem suspicious to you too Anita?… What can I say or do to clear things up?… He thinks that I should move to his place and go to work from there (which is almost 1.5h or more and one way). I felt that suggestion was very inconsiderate of him. What do you think Anita? And what would you agree to any of this?”-

– The fact that there has been no progress on his project in four years and his request for more patience are concerning. It’s reasonable to expect some tangible results over such a long period. The official letter he showed you, which he refuses to share, raises doubts. While it’s possible he’s being truthful, this lack of transparency is a red flag. It’s understandable to feel skeptical. His repeated statements about the project could be a sign of scripted responses or evasion. While it might not necessarily indicate a specific illness like autism, it does warrant caution and further questioning.

The story about his parents and their cremation seems unrealistic, considering cultural and religious norms. This discrepancy could indicate that he is not being entirely truthful about his background.

His suggestion that you move to his place and commute for over 1.5 hours each way is indeed inconsiderate. It shows a lack of understanding and respect for your time and needs.

To verify his identity and the authenticity of his claims, you could * Do some online research: look for any information or references to his project or the cultural center, * Ask (again) for proof: express your need for transparency and trust in the relationship and politely request more concrete evidence or details about his work. A legitimate project should have verifiable information. * Consider consulting a professional (like a private detective) for advice.

Based on the information you’ve shared, it’s essential to proceed with caution. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being. Your time and emotional energy are valuable. It’s crucial to prioritize your well-being and avoid situations that cause unnecessary stress or uncertainty.

Dafne, your journey is one of courage and resilience. You’ve come a long way in recognizing the patterns and dynamics that affect your well-being. Continue to prioritize yourself, set healthy boundaries, and seek supportive relationships that uplift you.

Thank you for being so open and for your kind words. Your support means a lot to me. I’m here for you, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Have a beautiful day and stay strong, and yes, I will stay with you!

anita

Dear Stacy:

Take all the time you need. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough day with those epiphanies weighing on you. Remember to be kind to yourself. If you ever need to talk or just vent, I’m here for you.

Hope your day gets better!

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“I feel so drained after family holidays, for example. Because I do so many things to make everyone comfortable that I never sit to breathe. I remember that during university holidays, I came back to studies all exhausted and looking desperate instead of feeling energized after a break. My best friend noticed that and asked whether everything was ok at home. Because I looked really tired and miserable”-

– Isn’t it interesting that your best friend noticed and cared to tell you that you looked tired and miserable, but your family members didn’t notice? It’s a significant and telling contrast.

Seems to me that your family members are so used to you taking on responsibilities and handling things, doing so many things to make everyone comfortable during holidays, never sitting to breathe, that they’ve normalized your stress and exhaustion, seeing it as part of the usual-you.

Also, they may be so preoccupied with their own needs and problems, that they have little to no room to notice or address your struggles. Their focus on themselves makes them less aware of you.

They may see you as the strong caretaker (the leader) who can handle anything, leading them to overlook your need for support and rest. Some family members might be emotionally blind, lacking the emotional awareness or sensitivity to recognize signs of distress in others.

“I guess. I am half introverted and half extroverted. I always thought that because of my introverted side I always wanted to stay alone and not speak. But now I think that’s because unconsciously I felt that it drains my energy”- it’s the energy drain from constant caregiving that makes you seek isolation

I asked you earlier: “By saying that they are supportive, you mean that they thank you for helping them, praising you, saying that they wish good things for you, anything like that?”, and you answered: “Yes, you described how it really is. Also, now I remember how they made comments after celebrating my birthday. After a few days passed, they said that because of my birthday they spent some money, and they were irritated because of that. It hurt me deeply”-

– When you said earlier that your family is supportive, you meant that they thank you for helping and offer praise. These expressions of gratitude are nice, but they do not address your deeper emotional and practical needs. Their verbal praise does not translate into meaningful actions that actually help reduce the load you’ve been carrying.

Genuine emotional support goes beyond praise and would include actively listening to your concerns, offering advice, and being there for you during tough times. Genuine support involves recognizing your needs and actively working to meet them.

Your family’s expressions of thanks and praise are superficial because they don’t result in actual changes that make your life easier. While these words might provide temporary emotional relief, they don’t address the root issues or reduce your responsibilities. Genuine support would involve concrete actions that lighten your load, such as helping with tasks (even if you initially reject their offers to help), providing emotional comfort, and respecting your boundaries (even if you don’t respect those yourself).

Despite the verbal praise, you still carry the same burdens without any real assistance or relief.

After celebrating your birthday, your family made comments about the money they spent, expressing irritation. This reaction suggests a lack of genuine appreciation and support. The irritation expressed by your family hurt you deeply. Your reaction shows that their comments had a significant emotional impact, making you feel unappreciated and burdened.

“What’s strange is they would never do that to their spouses, children, etc.”- this discrepancy in treatment highlights a lack of fairness and recognition of your efforts. The reason is in the principle of Scarcity in social psychology:

The principle of scarcity suggests that people tend to value and notice things that are rare or limited more than those that are abundant or always available. When applied to social interactions and help, this means that when someone frequently offers help, it becomes taken for granted, while occasional help from others stands out and is more appreciated.

Because you have been consistently helpful over many years, your family has become accustomed to your assistance. Your help has become a background constant (like background noise), an expected part of the family dynamic. Over time, the constant availability of your help led to it being taken for granted (from one point on, a person does not notice background noise), they see it as a given.

When your family members, who typically do not contribute as much, offer help or make an effort, it stands out more (like a new sound that wasn’t there before, it is noticeable). The help from others is seen as more valuable because it is less frequent, whereas your constant support is less valued because it is always there. The constant burden without adequate recognition or support contributes to your emotional exhaustion and frustration.

“Sometimes I just want to live in a very remote place and enjoy only my company”- this indicates a strong need to escape from the overwhelming responsibilities and emotional burdens you have been carrying.

“Also, I do not believe that there are men out there who can be stronger than me. I sense how most of them could not provide the emotional support I need, and I will just burden myself with another person”-

– This reflects a deep-seated belief in your own self-reliance and strength which developed from your role as a caretaker. Over time, you adapted to being the emotional and practical backbone of your family. This adaptation required you to develop a strong sense of self-sufficiency, as you couldn’t depend on others for support. As a result, you find it challenging to trust others to provide the emotional support you need.

You fear that entering into a relationship would mean burdening yourself with another person’s needs. This perception is rooted in your experiences of always being the caretaker, leading you to believe that you would end up taking on additional responsibilities in a relationship.

Your identity as a caretaker and leader has contributed to your belief that you are stronger than others, and that others are not strong enough to support you.

“I don’t know how to break those beliefs.”-seeing reality more as it-is than how we prefer to see it is a starting point to meaningful, significant change. I will share a bit about my own experience with my mother as an example:

My mother expressed SO MUCH misery (telling me about her miserable life at length, crying, expressing suicidal ideation, etc.) that I figured- in my young child mind- that I am (or must be) her Rescuer (sounds familiar?). I set myself aside and my focus was: my mother. All I cared about was that she’d be okay. I was deathly afraid that she’d kill herself.

So far, the above, was indeed reality as-is (as it was): she really was miserable.

Here is where I didn’t see reality as-is: I mistakenly thought (part of me thought) that she loved me, as in valuing me as something or someone of value. So, in my mind, I thought that it is possible for me to help her, or for her to be helped by me. Therefore, I kept trying and trying, way into adulthood.

It helped me to finally see reality as-is: as much as I wished she valued me, she didn’t, and therefore, even if it was possible for her to be helped by someone, it couldn’t have been me, because to be helped, a person has to value the helper. When I realized this, I stopped trying to help her, I stopped my Focus on her. At that point, I was able to turn my focus to myself (that was a long process because my emotions were repressed and suppressed and I felt guilty, etc.).

And until recently, I didn’t even know what it meant to value myself. Valuing myself is no longer attached to my role as My Mother’s Rescuer (a role I failed at, a role that was impossible for me to be successful at). Valuing myself is.. difficult for me to explain. Maybe next time.

anita

Dear Kane:

You are welcome and thank you so much for your kind words. It truly means a lot to hear that our support has made a positive impact on you. Your journey, resilience, and willingness to share your experiences have been incredibly inspiring.

I’m grateful to have the opportunity to listen to your thoughts and support you as you navigate your path. Your dedication to personal growth and helping others is truly admirable, and I’m confident that you will continue to make a meaningful difference in your life and in the lives of those around you.

Wishing you all the best as you continue to grow and advance in your personal and emotional journey. Thank you for allowing us to be part of it.

anita

Dear Kane:

Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and introspective post. Your metaphorical use of stars to describe emotions is both poetic and insightful, capturing the transient and varied nature of our emotional experiences.

Striving for a harmonious balance between logic and emotion is indeed a challenging but essential part of personal growth. The concept of maintaining a “perfect flux” is a beautiful way to describe the dynamic interplay between these two aspects of our being.

Achieving true emotional mastery involves respecting and integrating our emotions rather than suppressing or being overwhelmed by them. It’s about creating a balanced relationship where emotions enhance our understanding of ourselves and our lives.

The journey to emotional mastery and self-discovery requires patience, humility, and the willingness to face challenges. It’s a path that involves continuous learning and growth. The path you describe is one of continuous learning and evolving, and it sounds like you are well-equipped with the insight and determination needed to navigate it.

* One idea I’d like to offer is that our emotions can be seen as friends rather than enemies. Emotions, when embraced and understood, can be our allies, guiding us and enriching our lives.

Instead of perceiving emotions as something to be suppressed or excessively controlled, we can learn to experience them as valuable companions. They provide us with important signals about our needs, desires, and experiences. By acknowledging and befriending our emotions, we can navigate our lives with greater empathy and self-awareness.

Embracing emotions doesn’t mean letting them control us but rather finding a balance where we can listen to them, learn from them, and let them help us grow. Just like friends, emotions can support us, warn us, and even challenge us to become better and better people. I hope this helps.

I encourage you, Kane, to continue exploring and reflecting on your emotions and experiences. Embrace the journey with patience and humility, and remember that each step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you continue on your path.

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

Good to read from you again! We had a meaningful conversation back in Oct 2024, and reading what you shared today, I have a better understanding of your emotional reactions to your manager back then, a woman who like your mother, talked excessively and complained a lot.

“My mother was in an abusive relationship with my father, both physically and mentally… I grew up as a rescuer of my mother/family most of the time. I worked even before going to school. I have never complained, never told or shared when someone hurt me. Even when one of the family friends tried to abuse me physically, I never told. I stamped it in my mind and never replayed it in my mind… My character is that of a leader everywhere”-

– Parentification occurs when a child finds herself (or himself) in a role typically meant for an adult, taking on responsibilities and duties that are beyond the child’s developmental capacity. This can involve providing emotional support, caregiving, or managing household tasks for parents or siblings. Essentially, the child acts as a caregiver or emotional support for the family at the expense of the child’s own needs and development.

In general, the consequences of Parentification on a parentified child (a “Family rescuer”, as you called it) are: (1) high levels of stress and anxiety, emotional burnout and exhaustion, (2) an overwhelming sense of responsibility for one’s family’s well-being, leading to persistent guilt if the child believes he/ she is failing at their “job”, (3) the child’s own developmental needs and personal growth is neglected, leading to issues with identity formation and independence (stunted personal growth), (4) the child might struggle with social skills, as the child often misses out on typical childhood experiences and peer interactions, (5) the child has difficulty setting healthy boundaries, often becoming over-involved in the lives of others and neglecting one’s own needs, (6) the need to please others and take care of them can persist into adulthood, making it to set healthy boundaries with others assert one’s own needs and desires, (7) the child suppresses his/ her own emotions and needs, prioritizing the needs of family members instead.

The above is general information. Back to your original post, Calm Moon, there is plenty of evidence of parentification in your case: from a young age, you were in the role of supporting your family, even working before going to school. This is a clear sign of parentification, where a child assumes responsibilities typically meant for adults.

You described yourself as the rescuer of your mother and family. Providing emotional support to your mother, who was in an abusive relationship, placed you in a caregiving role rather than allowing you to experience a typical childhood.

You never complained or shared your own hurts, even when experiencing physical abuse from a family friend. This suppression of your own needs and emotions (silent suffering) is a hallmark of parentification, where the child’s well-being is secondary to the family’s needs.

You developed leadership skills early on by taking charge of family matters and supporting your mother and siblings, practicing problem-solving skills, addressing issues and taking initiative. Your role as a caretaker translated into a natural inclination to take on leadership roles where you feel responsible for the well-being of others in professional and in other settings

“The thing which makes me uncomfortable is that I take all the issues of my family members as if they are mine. I feel responsible for the wellness of everyone, even the children of my older siblings. One of the reasons, I think, stems from the fact that my mother always complains to me. She is not taking an active role in her life”-

– this indicates a deep sense of duty and responsibility that extends beyond typical family support. This sense of responsibility is overwhelming and burdensome, as it places a lot of pressure on you to ensure the well-being of multiple people.

Take on the issues of your family members as if they are your own, means that you internalize their problems, over-identifying with them. This means that their stress and burdens feel like your own, which is emotionally draining, leading to feelings of exhaustion, burnout, and even depression.

Your mother constantly complaining to you about various issues has placed you in a position where you feel compelled to listen, support, and try to resolve these complaints. Your mother not taking an active role in her own life means that she might be relying heavily on you for emotional and possibly practical support. This passive behavior from her further entrenches you in the caregiver role, as you feel the need to step in and take charge of situations your mother is not handling.

“I am in my thirties, and I want to build my own life. I have never been in serious relationships. Although I had good men around me, most of the time they never got a chance. I was too busy with family matters and my career to help my family”-

– your statement that you were “too busy with family matters” indicates that you prioritized your family’s needs and issues over your own personal life and relationships. This is a direct extension of the parentified role in childhood, where your primary focus was supporting and caring for your family. Your parentified role left little time or emotional energy for developing your own romantic relationships and personal happiness.

“My family is supportive. I have good relationships with everyone. But I do not like when they want to put many responsibilities on my shoulders”-

– true support would involve your family recognizing your needs and helping you lighten the load. Instead, their expectations contribute to your feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. By saying that they are supportive, you mean that they thank you for helping them, praising you, saying that they wish good things for you, anything like that?

“I do not know how to break this cycle. Thank you.”- you are welcome. It will take quitting the Family-rescuer role, and resurrecting, so to speak, the child-you, the child who went into hiding (suppressed, neglected, disregarded, put aside, marginalized), and making her your #1 priority, giving her the opportunity to take her rightful position in the center of her life. Bringing her back from the margins to the center. That’s what I did and still am in the process of doing (it’s amazing.. finally!). I’ll be glad to share with you more about it.

anita

Dear Zenith:

What a difference a supportive boss could have made in your professional life! The company you work for would have benefited if management was to notice, acknowledge and encourage the strengths of employees.

I hope you find work for a company that will value appreciate and support you!

Anita