Firewerk here, 12:04 m, 1:o4 am where you are, it is really 2024, Happy New Year, Seaturtle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am quite tired, so I will reply differently in this post:

“I wonder, if we can’t truly change, then why do some of us? I feel like I have changed in many ways“- you and I can change; he can’t or won’t because of his Teflon MO. You and I are interested in looking inward, he is not. You and I consider ideas and possibilities even if it’s difficult, he automatically deflects what is inconvenient for him to consider.

“I like that you are speaking in terms of chakras because I am curious about them, I am interested to know what made you want to do the research on them?“- you brought them up and although I have read about them before and rejected what I read, you had this effect on me that I wanted to be open-minded and revisit the topic without prejudgment.

“I have very vivid memories of our new years eve’s together, it reminds me of our first road trip together, 5 months into the relationship. On the trip we faced a lot of obstacles, his truck spun out, but he saved it, then his transmission fell out! we waited 10 hours for a tow truck… we pushed through and made it. We were so relieved and that day felt so connected, there were moments we were both there for the other when the other was losing hope”-

– the two of you united against a common, 3rd party/ outside obstacle. Without an outside obstacle to unite you, the inner obstacles (his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra) come into play. It is similar to a nation at war: citizens who were divided during peace-time get temporarily united during war.

I wrote above temporarily united. When the outside obstacle relaxes, the pre-existing conflict and turmoil resume.

“It is interesting you phrase it this way ‘I am addressing your crown chakra,’ I think this is the answer to a lot of my internal torment. Addressing my crown chakra does pull me out of where my heart and sacral take me too far into. I won’t delete it now, but above I wrote something again about missing him this new years eve and this response is all I need for that, I feel better now than I did at this beginning of writing this post. Thank you“- worthy to copy and paste, thank you for this!!! (a crown chakra vibrating emoji)

“I would like to awaken my crown chakra further in order to stay in a high vibration in this inevitably challenging day and night. Happy New Year’s Eve Anita“-

– an excellent resolution for the new year for the two of us perhaps: awakened and awakening crown chakras!

Happy New ear Eve to you and to Hatchling: she is fortunate to have you with her, for her!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

First, I will respond to your high vibrational (hv) post of Sat morning and then to your low vibrational (lv) post of Sat night.

“when I see that face of ‘searching for what to say,’ to me, what is coming out of their mouth is not authentic so there is no longer a point to continue the conversation, instead I need to just accept what it is“- this is your hv intelligence. I’ll refer to it as HVI.

“I keep filling the hole with why we broke up and what I deserve in the future, but it feels like this hole is a bottomless pit, as I keep having to fill it! The hard part is it needs to be filled in my weakest moments, as I am about to fall asleep, when I am alone“- When you are about to fall asleep, your crown chakra (which in the morning produces HVI) becomes quieter and quieter, producing lower and lower vibrational intelligence (LVI).

In that quieting, the vibrations of your heart chakra and your sacral chakra become louder and louder, and you yearn for connection and romance.

“I predict he will more likely end up with the former, a superficial relationship…  But that superficial relationship will leave a hole in his heart“- I predict that he will end up in a superficial relationship, but not that the result of such future relationship will be a hole in his heart. It’s the other way around: the result of a preexisting hole in his heart (one created during his childhood) is his inability and/ or unwillingness to engage in a deep relationship.

“He would need to change for a deeper relationship to be possible, but if he was going to change he would have done it for me, I don’t see why he would change for someone else… (my fear.. but a fear I am feeling shame about right now)“- (1) as a boy, he did or would have done anything and everything to become who his mother/ father wanted him to be. As an adult, he would adjust somewhat to a romantic partner (ex., SAY what she wants him to say, apologize) but not change.

(2) it is unhealthy and unreasonable to feel shame for any emotion you happen to feel. There is always something good underneath any feeling. Discover what it is, and you will understand and feel empathy for yourself for feeling whatever unpleasant or disagreeable emotion that happens to move through you. In this case, what I see underneath your fear that he will change for another woman when he didn’t change for you- is your desire to be SEEN, a strong and frustrated desire that you had in the relationship with him.

In regard to the song, you wrote that you agree with my interpretation that you wanted to find a deeper connection with N, wanting him to SEE the missing part of you, but he refused. You explained the line I didn’t understand, your favorite line: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- I interpret it further this way: when your crown chakra is overpowered by your heart and sacral chakras, and about to do something that will harm you, Seaturtle’s HVI (open and hv crown chakra) will come to the rescue, and you will do what’s right and helpful for you!

“I watched a portion of your Christmas present, thank you.. It is beautiful! It almost put me to sleep haha, I will use it when I need to wind down and maybe to go to sleep tonight!“- you are welcome, but as I read the beginning of your next post, it led you to a bottomless pit… I will soon read the rest of that post.

“I missed you too Anita, I am excited to be back and continue this journey and get back to journaling here“- a definite high-vibrational ending of this post of Saturday morning!

And now, to your Saturday night post:

“Hi Anita, I wanted to write a journal entry while I am feeling sad… Right now it is 10pm where I am and I’m just having flashes of the good memories with N. It is the time I want to check on him and reach out“- heart and sacral chakras vibrating loud!

“It is also the time I ache when I think of him with someone else. But what hurts more is imagining that he will find someone else shallow like him and think that all along I was in the wrong and did too many things based on feelings. That he will end up with someone who like him, makes fun of ‘over feeling’ aka another Teflon“- it is very likely that he will be as superficial with the next woman as he has been with you (that he will adjust to her at the most, but he will not change, as I suggested above), but it is not likely that he will end up with another Teflon. What is likely, in my estimation, is that he will end up with another woman who will try to change him…  and fail.

“It hurts to think of him loving someone else. I know in this moment we are both in pain and that future is far away and not helpful to think about but just like the good memories, they seem to appear in my mind uninvited“- like I said above, heart and sacral chakras are vibrating…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“Tomorrow night is New Year’s Eve, a night I spent with N two years in a row. They were fun memorable nights and even writing this is making me feel the emotion of a deep sadness of missing it. I know it is normal, but that doesn’t bring me much comfort right now“-

– for some balance/ bigger picture (I am addressing your crown chakra with the following): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months” (July 29, 2023). Eight months back from July 29 is Nov 29, 2022, so your mind hasn’t rested last New Year, in between a few fun experiences.

“I thought about spending the night alone but my roommate invited to me go out to a block party, and she bought me a ticket which was really sweet! …  Part of me wants to stay home and sleep, another part thinks I should spend the time with my friends so that I am not home feeling worse, but like I said going out with them it is implied to drink, be social and stay up late, all things I don’t really want to do but it sounds more fun than being alone on the holiday and fighting memories or the idea that N is out having a new years kiss (shuddering eyes emoji) I feel very uncomfortable, like the actual feeling that is the opposite of comfort. The opposite of N being a phone call away from laying with me on the couch and feeling safe… I am hoping for a very restful sleep tonight with positive dreams if any, and wisdom in the morning.”

– let us bring all the parts of Seaturtle together for a discussion for the purpose of quieting that shuddering and fighting (against memories and images), and promoting comfort, the feeling of safety, and wisdom:

Your favorite line from the song is: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- Seaturtle: don’t leave hatchling alone at this time.

Seaturtle’s crown chakra is needed this New Year Eve and New Year Day. It will be a good idea to start the new year with HVI provided by a hv crown chakra.

Would you like to tell me your thoughts this Sun morning, so that we can hopefully proceed with this discussion?

anita

Dear Jade:

The key sentence in your 2nd post is this: “I feel so threatened, emotionally and feel really unsafe“- indeed you are emotionally unsafe in your mother’s home.

“I feel gaslighted and like my feelings have not been considered”- I agree with both:  you really are being gaslit by your mother, and your feelings are not even acknowledged, as if your feelings are not of any value to your own mother, sadly.

“My mum had me at a really young so wasn’t really emotionally available when I was a child“- she is no longer young, and she is still emotionally unavailable to you.

“All I want to do is run away from this and cut them off‘- it’s the right and natural thing to do when you are threatened.

“I really fear that I will push everyone away“- it’s your mother and her husband who push you away, not the other way around.

“I feel as if I have nobody that I can trust and turn to anymore and feel like everyone is against me. I’m really fed up of being so miserable“- being miserable does not have to be a life sentence for you. You’ll need to move out from your mother’s home sooner than later and never move back in again, and then have no contact with her and with anyone who actively threatens your mental health.

First, move away from danger and then take one step at a time toward a life of personal and social contentment. I would like to communicate with you further and support you emotionally in the context of your thread, as you move farther and farther away from misery, if you would like that and for as long as you do.

anita

Dear Stacy:

“I appreciate your curiosity in trying to better understand me“- I appreciate your appreciation of me, thank you!

I read your most recent post, and in this reply, I will tell you what I understand about you, and you can let me know what you think of my understanding:

You are a very intelligent, well spoken, patient, kind and gracious young woman who is absent from her own awareness.  It is as if you are not a factor in your own mind and life. As if you didn’t yet take center stage where a person belongs in one’s own life, as if you are sitting in the audience. And who is on the stage where you belong? This guy, just a guy (not a national or religious leader that lots of people focus on).

Sept 6, 2023, you started your thread with: “Hi, everyone. My boyfriend who I met on Hinge”, and you continued: “HE asked me… he… him… He..”. Fast forward 3 months and 23 days (yesterday, Dec 29) and: “He joked about… he asked me.. He had trouble… He was reluctant… then he goes into detail.. He told me… he scoffed and said”, etc.

On Sept 10, I wrote to you: “You’ve been giving him too much power over how you feel about yourself, power he didn’t earn and does not deserve: WHO is he to determine your worth?… What did he DO to have this power to determine your worth..? He is just a guy you knew nothing about a year ago. It doesn’t really matter what he thinks, what he meant when he said this or that.. except that it matters to you because you give him power that he does not deserve“.

Eight pages later, I think and feel the same as I did in the above quote.

Limerence: “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship” (online dictionary).

“Limerence is a term that describes an infatuation or obsession with another person. It stems from romantic attraction that involuntarily develops into obsessive thoughts. You might feel unable to stop thinking about that person, spending much of your time in thoughts, fantasies, and ruminations that center around that person… Replay and rehearsal involves obsessive thinking about interactions you have had, or wish to have, with the love object… the love object is the main focus of your attention” (psych central/ ocd and obsessive thoughts about another person)

“Limerence is the desire to be desired… The experience of limerence can include… an irrationally positive evaluation of that person’s attributes… Limerence has also been tied to trauma. Early childhood abandonment or neglect may correlate to the likelihood of experiencing limerence, and it has been associated with post-traumatic stress disorder as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder (psychology today).

I don’t think we discussed limerence before (I just went through your 8-page thread and saw no mention of it), but it fits, doesn’t it?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I wish you safe travels back home today, this Friday afternoon, and I am looking forward to read from you by tomorrow (or the next day, whenever it’s the right time for you). I missed you here, Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Shepard Moan:

This is okay. Maybe you only thought that you were controlling (which sounds negative, to be controlling), while you were just trying to be heard, to make him understand (while he was not interested in understanding you)?

I’ll be back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Shepard Moan:

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time and I hope that you will be feeling much better soon. I want to place what you shared into categories that I will name. I will be adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes in this post.:

1) His Wrongdoings, Apologies and Promises:

“Early in our relationship, my ex was sleeping with someone else. He confessed that to me and I forgave him… One day, I found out that he has been shitty talking about me to his female best friend and I also found out that he was still chatting with the girl he slept with, despite of him promised not to do it. He apologized and promised not to overshare our relationship to his best friend and to cut off this girl…My ex apologized to me for telling an incomplete stories to his female best friend.. He kicked me out from his flat mid night… few days after that he apologized …”-

– His apologies and promises do not indicate that he thinks that he did something wrong and intends to correct his wrongdoings. His apologies and promises are dishonestly manipulative, meant to resume the part of the relationship that he wanted to resume, with no consideration of what is true and what is untrue.

2) His Lies and Gaslighting of you:

“One day, when we were working together, I saw a chat from a girl name ‘A’ (different girl he slept with) with a flirty chat from him that he said it was not flirty and she just a friend… He called me insecure and I blamed myself at that moment to not trust him… every time I expressed my feeling to my ex, he just said that I was insecure. Many times when I communicated my insecurity, he dismiss my feeling… I felt like I was crazy for asking a bare minimum… He blamed me for looking at that video in his computer…Many times when I communicated my insecurity, he…  said that he didn’t want to help, he said I need to go to my therapist not him… The worst thing was his best friend asked him if the video was real and my ex said that I was a liar, they both called me ‘mental’. Meanwhile, I could swear that the video was real and I have many proofs of that. I was so broken to be called mental…I self blamed myself thinking that the reason why we broke up was because I checked his computer“-

– Gaslighting is  form of dishonest manipulation where he (the gaslighter) tells you  (the gaslit) that what you CLEARLY saw or heard, didn’t really happen: that what you saw, you didn’t see, that what you heard, you didn’t hear, that what you clearly understood, you understood wrong… that you are insecure, therefore only imagined that he did something wrong. Or that you were wrong about the way you found out the information about his wrongdoing, therefore .. there was no wrongdoing on his part.

The gaslighter leads the gaslit to doubt her own sanity, and to feel confused, guilty, broken, crazy and mental. And/ or a liar.

3) His gossiping and talking negatively about you behind your back:

“I found out that he has been shitty talk about me to his female best friend… My ex apologized to me for telling incomplete stories to his female best friend…”.

4) His cruelty (in addition to the above):

“he kicked me out from his flat mid night, he throw my clothes from his window. I was alone in a foreign country“.

5) His words: “All of his words calling me unattractive, moron, bitch, useless were dancing in my brain until now”.

6) Your Love:

“I really love him and I was doing everything I can to understand him. I just wanted to support him and made him happy. He was my first love and he came from a very difficult childhood and I just wanted to be there with him… I love him but I don’t like myself in our relationship… I feel really stupid for still loving someone who has been treating me that way… I feel so broken. But, I find it is hard to hate him.”-

– your first love story was a success in terms of your love for him: you felt empathy for him for having had a difficult childhood, you supported him emotionally and practically, you repeatedly forgave him, and more. You are a loving person: you have it within you to truly love another person.

Take this knowing with you as you move on and meet a man who will love you back: a man who will have empathy for you and treat you honestly, fairly and kindly, a man with whom you will like yourself and feel really smart for still  loving him. It can happen and it will.

nita