I am sorry, Klast: I ran out of time to reply to you as attentively as I would like. I intend to do so in the next 1-2 days.

anita

Dear YOR:

You are very welcome, and good to read from you again, a bit over a month since you posted last! (I did not create this platform though: I am a member here, just like you!)

“one day he just  told me that he has his religious calling. So he stopped entering bars… But all this time sharing the same bed with me was never a problem?? And I never saw this as a problem? I could have preserved myself if I noticed this. But I thought he is the one“- from where you are now, being outside the relationship for months, you can look back- with some distance- and see things you were not able to see when you were in the relationship. When you were in the relationship, there was no distance between your heart (emotion) and mind (logic). In other words, your heart ruled, and as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants: it wanted to see that he was the one, so that’s what it saw. (It didn’t want to see evidence that he may not be the one.. so, it didn’t).

Fast forward, there is some distance between your heart and mind, and.. logic has its say: you can see his inconsistencies, such as the one you mentioned (evidence that he is not the one for you).

“I am 25… I feel like I am too old now, and I will never get anyone in my life, and it is kind of scary to be alone my entire life you know“- notice that what scares you is not being alone for your entire life (it didn’t happen; it is not your reality), what scares you is the thought of being alone for your entire life. It’s only a thought, not a reality.

I suppose the idea that you will be alone your entire life came to be because you thought that he was the one, and part of you still thinks it.. and if the one is gone from your life.. there is no one else.

“All this came into my head after one of my childhood friends suddenly got in touch with me after a year…  When I told her that I separated because his parents… preferred a housewife and very religious person.. she said and I quote, ‘Good for you, you don’t deserve to spoil anybody’s life. You just care about your work and yourself. You are selfish and you will die alone, never find anyone because all of us can look through you.’“-

–  there is a saying: with friends like this, who needs enemies? Reads to me that she’s been jealous of you, and angry at you long before she recently got in touch with you, and that she is jealous because you are an independent working woman, and she imagines that your life is much better than hers. In her anger, she tried to hurt you/ to cause you some emotional pain..

“Hearing this from my childhood friend, was so painful… Her words hurt me bad“- and she succeeded.

“I am not selfish. I try to help. I do spend a lot of time working, but I also spend time following my hobbies“- in my communication with you, I sensed no selfishness. On the other hand, your childhood friend (no longer a friend) revealed selfishness when she tried (and succeeded) to hurt you. I am sorry that it happened.

anita

Dear Tom:

When you posted last, you were 4 weeks in at your new job; now,  a bit over 4 months-in, and very unhappy with it. Maybe you should look for another job..?

anita

Dear Klast (short for Iconoclast): I am glad you posted again, and will read and reply tomorrow!

anita

Sorry for the misspelling of your screen name, Shandrea.

Dear Robi:

I want to add to yesterday’s post: “I was very attached to them as child (very young  barely remember something), but as I grew up I started liking them less and less… I hated them“- liking them less and less, even hating them, does not mean that your strong attachment to them was- or is- gone. It means that layers of dislike and strong anger were added to the strong attachment, a complex emotional state to have.

(Written in Spain): “Almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense…I cry quite often… I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there”-

– the boldfaced is evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents. What I didn’t boldface is your confusion because of.. the confusing added dislike and anger to the attachment.

Dislike and anger do not undo emotional attachment. I was very attached to my mother for decades while disliking her and angry at her.

(Still in Spain): “It seems like they want me to be happy and this time it feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot“- the boldfaced is more evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents.

(In Spain): “Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher… ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED… I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?“- maybe because you missed home, wanting to be with your parents (a strong emotional attachment).

In Poland: “I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother?… I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact… very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like:  oh, she’s here again… I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood… I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other“- this is how you felt from one point on, growing up with your mother: angry, chronically angry, trapped and angry, not wanting her around while still needing (a different version of) her.

Imagine an angry boy, an angry teenage Robi, waiting.. waiting for his real mother (a loving version of the mother you had) to replace the mother he didn’t like, the one he wanted gone. Imagine that boy still within you, waiting.

Imagine a boy who refuses growing up- becoming adult before he finally gets his real mother, so that he can finally have  the free, un-trapped childhood he never had.

Poland, Feb 22, 2024: “Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March. New Month, New Beginning“- I think that the real, lasting New Beginning for you would be to grieve the mother you didn’t have, the father you didn’t have, and the childhood you didn’t have. So, to start a new chapter in the book telling your story, instead of waiting for the old chapter to be re-written.

Spain, May 19, 2024: “I still think we can be a family“, Romania, July 8, 2024: “I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better“- this is the boy Robi hoping and waiting for the old chapter to be re-written (an impossibility).

Romania, Sept 3, 2024: “There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world“- I think that this part of you is Robi-the-boy who is waiting for a re-do, a child not ready to meet an adult world. Can a different part of you, Robi-the-adult, take his hand and walk him step by step toward a lasting exit from the old chapter?

anita

Dear Robi:

Another walk down memory lane: this may be distressing for you to read, particularly later in this reply. (I am using the boldface feature selectively in the following quotes):

Romania, June 10, 2018: “I was very attached to them as child (very young  barely remember something), but as I grew up I started liking them less and less…  Most of the times it felt like I hate them and I considered them losers… they used to keep me with them at their workplace…  for 6..7 hours every day after finishing school… I guess I hated them for that. I also hated them for not having my own room… They used to also come in whenever… I never had my own space… I also hated them for that.. I felt controlled… a big part of my childhood trapped in their workplace… Everyone was coming and going. Except me. I wasn’t. Hmm.. Pretty much like…  now”.

Romania, Dec 7, 2018: “I left the big city I was living in, left the job at the restaurant which I kept for one month.. and moved back with my parents in order to save some money and go to Germany.… the plan was to be in Germany by October.. but I didn’t work out. So I ended up being kind of stuck here living with my parents again… My parents really seem to be … boring and bored… I would describe both of them as being anxious and disconnected. My father never makes eye contact with me… my parents never had fun, never really had a social life”.

Spain, March 4, 2019: “Almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense… I cry quite often… I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there… I start caring for my parents more and more since I am here… they keep telling me they will help me until I find my way, so I should give it time and do my best to find a good job. It seems like they want me to be happy and this time it feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot. So.. I have been here for one month now”.

“Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher… ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED. I MEAN.. FOR F***’S SAKE !!! I FOUND SOMETHING THAT  COULD BE REALLY GOOD AND NOT THAT HARD BUT I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?” (Spain, March 4, 2019)

Poland, Oct 2, 2022: “I find it sometimes very difficult to connect to my girlfriend, at times I feel things are getting boring. But I love her immensely. I have some traumas I need to work on.. So this is me now, writing from Poland. I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed”.

Poland, Jan 29, 2023: “lately I’ve been really questioning my relationship… I often feel like I get bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be… I don’t think of her when she’s not around and very often If I’m away for a few days/weeks I don’t really feel like I miss her.. I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance”.

Poland, Feb 1, 2023: “I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother? It has to have something to do with my parents/ childhood/ that apartment where we lived… She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact… very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like:  oh, she’s here again… I’m angry with her but.. I mean.. there is no reason to be angry with her. But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood… I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other“.

Feb 18-20, 2024: “My mother used to hit me whenever she would find out about my bad grades. A few times, I remember being brutally hit with a belt. Often after hitting me she would cry and apologise. She lost it quite a few times like that… As for my mother, your description is perfect. ‘crazy… bitter, angry, chronically stressed… unpredictable, impulsive‘.. Since, she’s been through a cancer, when I was 13 and quite a few health problems. Her traumas are showing in her body, but she doesn’t hear it. I am very often worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help“.

Poland, Feb 22, 2024: “Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March. New Month, New Beginning“.

Spain, May 3, 2024: “I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend… I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created… And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore”.

Spain, May 19, 2024: “They have no one else but me. Their parents died years ago… They also don’t have any friends. They only have each other… and me. I see they are suffering on a daily basis… Her body shows her all the pain she hasn’t worked on… Both of them feel miserable most of the time. I clearly see that and I feel sorry for them.. I really do. They often say they love me very much and I’m the most important to them… I don’t want to completely cut them off – I still think we can be a family“.

Poland, June 11, 2024: “here I am now, not having a f*cking clue about anything anymore. I feel ashamed of my stupidity.. leaving Warsaw because I didn’t want to be here anymore and after 3 months come back here because I didn’t want to be there anymore… I don’t quite see the bigger picture”.

Romania, July 8, 2024: “I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better. Maybe breaking the ice at the beginning of this year, telling them how they’ve wronged me removed some barriers… I also managed to reconnect with my cousins which I almost forgot about. Turns out they didn’t”.

Romania, Sept 3, 2024: “There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world… Very often I judge the world for being ‘f***** up’, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature… I’ve been told I see the world as something hostile and I think everyone is against me… I often have compassion and understanding that there’s a lot of disconnection and pain in many of us… As for being part of the corporate system, indeed.. its nearly impossible not to be part of it some way or another. But directly working for a corporation (to me) feels like a step further than buying an iPhone… When it comes to my girlfriend… I do judge her sometimes when it comes to her relationship with her mother. I often think she hasn’t really ‘cut the cord’ from her mother… spending all free time together at home but then talking some more on the phone while going to work – looks a little too much? Again, I honestly don’t know. If I lived like that, I’d be called a ”mommy’s boy” by most people… What do you think?”-

– I think that whether you work for a (big) corporation or not is a minor issue. I think that the major issue is that (prepare for what follows…) at heart and mind, you are a mommy’s boy, and growing up- becoming adult (from the title of your current thread) means abandoning your mother who is (still) in pain. I think that you’ve been angry at her for so long, that often you forget that you’ve loved her for so long. You love and hate her.

I think that you see the world as you’ve seen your mother and father: “‘f***** up’, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected.. hostile… against me… boring“.

Your mother’s particular combo of some-kind-of love, apathy and hostility confused you and created an anxious-ambivalent attachment style toward her, and, fast forward, toward your current girlfriend: “Anxious attachment results when your caregivers are not consistent in their responsiveness and availability with you, leading to feelings of confusion, distrust, anxiety, and ambivalence. People raised this way may desire closeness to their caretakers and distance themselves from them… People who experience anxious ambivalent attachment have an increased risk of experiencing mental health difficulties like depression, low self-esteem, and emotional dysregulation” (very well mind).

I think that you felt trapped growing up: trapped in your parents’ workplace, trapped in the storage room, and as an adult, you are trapped in your love for your suffering mother: not wanting to leave her by adulting, on one hand, and on the other hand, (still, as always) not being able to reach her, to connect with her, and to help her.

I think that your girlfriend’s mother triggered your hate for your mother, that you projected your mother into your girlfriend’s mother. Maybe you are jealous of the connection and consistent, trustworthy closeness between your girlfriend and her mother, something you have never experienced with your mother.

I think that you haven’t been motivated to work at any job and adulting otherwise because you are stuck being a boy who loves (and hates) his mother.

anita