Dear Robbie:

“In my country many kids were hit by their parents and It’s considered almost normal, although illegal. Only recently I started thinking more about those events, and I realised that might’ve been one of the reasons why I didn’t trust my parents and the reason why I disconnected myself from not only them, but partly the world around me. Actually I’ve always remembered those events, but didn’t think they meant anything. I was wrong, obviously. I thought that I deserved to be hit, like many other kids from my generation did. I didn’t connect the dots until recently”-

– (1) As I read this, I thought of a book you might write and publish one day, for people of your age (and older), in your country (and in other countries) to read. You express yourself so well, and with such refreshing emotional honesty.

(2) Indeed, physical abuse of children inside the home leads to mistrust and disconnection in the society at large.

“As for my mother, your description is perfect. ‘crazy – not sensible or reasonable. She seems bitter, angry, chronically stressed, perhaps, unaware/ having no insight into herself or into others.. unpredictable, impulsive‘. My mother always took care of others- she had to take care of her siblings so from an early age she took the role of the caregiver. Her mother wasn’t very emotionally available either, she gave her many responsibilities and didn’t give her space to be a kid… She suffered a lot through her childhood, married a man who’s family didn’t like her at all… When she was 24 she had an abortion. My father didn’t want to have a kid… Few years later, I came out – my mother told me she had to trick my father into it. (whatever that means..)”-

– I imagine that growing up, as she took care of her siblings/ others,  she got some positive reward from her mother, however small, and that filled her with hope and excitement, an emotional motivation to keep taking care of others, hoping for more of a reward: for affection and love, and to be taken care of in return. Not having received that greater reward day in and day out, year after year, filled her with anger, chronic, ongoing anger, motivating her to turn against those she was helping (“they never really had a good relationship, it was always very intense“, you wrote about her relationships with her family of origin)

Fast forward, she displays the same conflicted motivations as a mother: on one hand, taking care of you and feeling that hope and excitement combo, as in when you asked for financial help last Christmas (“At first, my mother was thrilled… I’ll give you the money right now if you want“), and on the other hand,  angrily, she turns against you, during the same Christmas visit (“My mother was already acting very standoffish…  She cornered me and started a fight – told me I didn’t care about them and I only cared about myself… she said to me – ‘You’re leaving in 3 days. From that point, you’re on your own’.  She didn’t talk to us for the next days“).

Having a kid (you) was her new hope to receive the love that was not available for her elsewhere. She had to.. almost steal this new opportunity- in her mind-  to be loved (by tricking your father).

“Very often I’ve heard from them ( actually my mother mostly ) things like: ‘please don’t forget us’, ‘keep calling us’ ‘don’t leave us’. ‘We are your parents and we do everything for you’, ‘You can always rely on us’“- growing up, not receiving love, she felt undeserving of it. She kept taking care of others, hoping to become deserving of love. Fast forward, she feels undeserving of your love.. and hoping to become deserving of it by (financially) helping you more.

“Since, she’s been through a cancer, when I was 13 and quite a few health problems. Her traumas are showing in her body“- ongoing, chronic anger involves lots of stress hormones released into the blood, day in and day out, and over time, such do damage to the body.

“but she doesn’t hear it. I am very often worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help, but I’ve tried to support her and I see that there isn’t much I can do. I tried helping her become more aware, but it doesn’t always work like that“-

– indeed, it doesn’t work like that. The love she needed as a child was not there for her for too long, so her emotional love receptors, so to speak, got filled with scar tissue (way before you were born). When you were a toddler and a young child, you loved her very much, it was a pure and unconditional love (as it is the case of any young child), but  it was too late for her to receive your love because of that (figurative) scar tissue.

You tried to help her to become more aware, but becoming aware involves pain.. like the pain of removing a scar tissue that’s well embedded in the flesh. I don’t think, from all that you shared, that she can be helped except by a quality, professional counselor/ psychotherapist whom she’d be willing to see.

“My main objective now is to head back to Spain and find stability. I’ll have an online interview on Friday with a language school from Spain, I’ve sent quite a few applications… In Poland I didn’t manage to find a job. I also don’t want to live here anymore, it doesn’t make any sense to me. I hope next month I’ll get to Spain and start working. I hope to use my parents financial help for as little as possible and become financially independent again as soon as possible. What do you think of this?… and I also don’t want to move back with my parents“-

– I think that it’s a good plan for you to (1) not move back with your parents, (2) to find a job and become financially independent again.

As far as moving to Spain, will you leave your girlfriend behind in Poland, or will she be joining you?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Adding to “I would ask him all the time, ‘is this what you want?” and he was irritated by that question. I tried to ask him how things I did made him feel and he literally did not know how to answer those questions“-

– I still have trouble stating what I want, and get uncomfortable when asked! I had trouble with answering how I feel for ages while NOT on weed or any other drug. My reason: I dissociated too much from myself, burying much of myself in a scary box (your term).  My mother was too.. narcissistic (I, ME and MINE), among other things, to allow my feelings to exist in the open. Could have been his mother fulfilling that taking-over/ dominating role.. Similar to your father in this way of taking-over, I-Me and MINE..?

anita

Dear (Robi or Robbie?):

I just realized that you submitted a 2nd post while I was still typing my reply above. I’ll reply to it further in (my) morning. I hope that you sleep well.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“For example him being late, I did feel like this was controlling in some way, that he to a degree was purposely being late to show some sort of power dynamic“- maybe, if he was on time for work appointments but not on time for dates with you. If he was late in both contexts, or late with you and with other people, it could be the… weed. (I have a neighbor who uses weed every single day multiple times per day, so I know a thing or two about the behaviors entailed)

“I would ask him all the time, ‘is this what you want?” and he was irritated by that question. I tried to ask him how things I did made him feel and he literally did not know how to answer those questions… I told him everything, all my thoughts. He did not tell me his”– maybe he didn’t know how to answer those questions and didn’t tell you his thoughts because of what the following quote from Harvard Publishing describes (I am adding the boldface feature to it):

“Recent research published in The American Journal of Psychiatry closely followed nearly 1,000 individuals in New Zealand from age 3 to age 45 to understand the impact of cannabis use on brain function. The research team discovered that individuals who used cannabis long-term (for several years or more) and heavily (at least weekly, though a majority in their study used more than four times a week) exhibited impairments across several domains of cognition. Long-term cannabis users’ IQs declined by 5.5 points on average from childhood, and there were deficits in learning and processing speed compared to people that did not use cannabis. The more frequently an individual used cannabis, the greater the resulting cognitive impairment… The impact of cannabis on cognitive impairment was greater than that of alcohol or tobacco use. Long-term cannabis users also had smaller hippocampi (the region of the brain responsible for learning and memory). Interestingly, individuals who used cannabis less than once a week with no history of developing dependence did not have cannabis-related cognitive deficits. This suggests there is a range of recreational use that may not lead to long-term cognitive issues” (Harvard Health Publishing)

“Using marijuana causes impaired thinking and interferes with a person’s ability to learn and perform complicated tasks. THC also disrupts functioning of the cerebellum and basal ganglia, brain areas that regulate balance, posture, coordination, and reaction time” (National Institute on Drug Abuse)

“He did not volunteer information about himself to me, I had to pry it out of him, in ‘deep’ conversations that ‘exhausted’ him“- because of how difficult it is to have deep conversations when cognitively impaired (due to frequent, long-term use of weed).

“I feel peoples pain, like if I witness someone being spoken to mean, I can feel it and won’t stand for it. I can’t even watch certain movies if someone is being treated badly I can feel it too intensely“- When I watch YouTube of real-life (not actors) people in pain, I feel pain/ empathy and it feels like a release for me, it is an opportunity for me (as I analyze it) to feel my own pain, to bring it up from where it’s buried, and give it acknowledgment and expression (crying).

“I also think my breakup with N gave me a sense of superiority… N was the hardest thing I have ever done, relationally, and if I can do it why can’t they. To me I feel like, stop complaining and leave if he is calling you bad names and treating you badly…so here I lack empathy and feel my decision making is superior“- Would you feel okay with someone who broke up with an N-like boyfriend six months or a year before you did, feeling superior to you?

“I agree with everything you said in this paragraph: ‘So, now, I am quite embarrassed for having vilified N- it was wrong of me to do so, and I don’t want to do this again, not here in your thread and not elsewhere. What I am now inclined to think (from the totality of what you shared, which I did not re-read) is that N has very low self-esteem, that he is highly addicted to weed which keeps him mellow and unreactive (the Teflon brain we discussed), that he is a people pleaser, perhaps codependent..’“- good to read that you agree with all of this!

“The day the narrative shifted for you majorly and you said you could no longer speak about N and I should leave that relationship, I read it with a grain of salt“- good to read that you take some of what I say with a grain of salt! (I mean it).

“I do not want to feel superior to others, but I do and I don’t know why… I believe that I am special and unique but I am also insecure that I am the only one that thinks that, which is probably true”-

– You are special and unique. I think that the need to feel superior to others is born out of feeling inferior to others, an.. overadjustment to feeling inferior.

“I do think I make better decisions than many others and have more awareness than, F for one“- I made the mistake of expressing superiority over F and N, in our conversations here, on your thread, joining your similar superior sentiment. What was that one emoji I sent (not) to you… “a chakra snob”, something like that. Feeling and expressing superiority over others is the other side of the same coin, feeling and expressing inferiority to others. Better avoid both.

“My analysis would be that (N) cared SO much about what his parents felt, and wanted them to get along so badly that he ignored all of his own needs and took care of them”- this would be consistent with him ignoring his own needs in the relationship with you.

“He grew up so far from his own feelings that he doesn’t even know what they are, and it has been so long since he thought about them that now they are all in a big scary box he is afraid to open… He would spend days in the mountain with his dad, climbing the mountain and then skiing down, freezing and dangerous. He loves being in survival mode”- I’d think that with his feelings removed from his awareness, locked in a scary box, he has trouble feeling alive, and engaging in extreme, dangerous activities makes him feel ALIVE.

“He loves being in survival mode, where his mind shuts up (he uses weed to have the same affect)“- when people don’t feel alive, there is a vacuum (of the feeling that’s not there) and rumination takes over the vacuum. When feeling-alive, rumination is gone.

This is leading me to think: it’s not reasonable to expect a person with his feelings locked in a box.. to SEE you.

“It was his desire to be in this survival mode that made him WANT that (shroom)intense situation to happen. That intense situation that he took me to, a place I did not feel safe. I bring that situation up so often because it was the first time real doubt and fear entered my mind about the relationship”- I see.

“N cares deeply about the people around him and wants everyone to get along, he brings people together with his amazing cooking and his generosity that attracts others…”- with his feelings in a scary box, he cares deeply about people?

“He doesn’t like losing people.. he was really impacted by one of his friends leaving without a word last year… He wanted to be close to people“- can you identify what of his feelings are in the scary box you mentioned?

“N puts others feelings over his own… His need to make others happy, and my desire to make him happy I think was uncomfortable for him… Grouped together he did not like that I didn’t always want to do what would make others happy… once we became closer, and I started to want him to be selfish with me, he no longer admired that trait I had. He wanted to continue to people please and I didn’t… I wouldn’t call him a people pleaser at all I would say he likes to keep the peace between people”-

– people pleasing and keeping peace between people is the same thing: “People pleasing is the act of making others happy to avoid conflict or negative feelings” (psychology today).

“Him saying he felt that way made me want to run to him, but I couldn’t so what could I do with those feelings? throw them away. Even now convincing myself he was just being dramatic.. but it hurts me because I know he was sad, but after all, maybe it was just because he hates to lose people, not necessarily because he wanted me“-

– the same theme post breakup as in pre-breakup (“what do you love about my personality? like me specifically apart from others… I don’t feel seen“, July 29, 2023). Seaturtle needs to be seen as a uniquely superior individual, apart from all others,  one in a category of one.

“I am thankful that we can communicate so honestly. I am seeking a therapist but often I feel therapists are afraid to set their patient off, so they avoid very confrontational conversations, but that is what I want and need. I don’t want someone to tell me I am always right… I want to get stronger and open this third eye as wide as I can! even when it is hard“- we didn’t talk about the cage for a while, where F placed hatch.. away, 1 in an cage of 1. Does hatch associate freedom with being 1 in a world of 1 (still 1, apart from others, but outside the cage, seen by all)?

anita

Dear Kshiti:

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes):”I get flashbacks of what I felt during that time, some examples are – ‘nothing ever gets better’ ‘there is no point of looking for my wellbeing’…  I began feeling that just when things started to become better, they went for worse. At this point my past baggage became really heavy  because I began to think that it’s pointless to keep hopes as all I got was traumatic setbacks again and again… It brought at the same time, an unbearable mix of emotions like despair, frustration, bitterness, hopelessness etc. I felt that no matter how much I tried, things would always get worse. I think because the situation was grave and had high stakes, it became traumatic”-

– Despair is the complete absence of hope, and Hope is the expectation or trust that something positive will happen in the future as a result of your efforts today. Here is a quote (from good reads) about despair: “Losing your life is not the worst thing that can happen. The worst thing is to lose your reason for living“.

To counter and defeat your personal despair, Kshiti, clarify to yourself what is your personal, chosen Reason for living, a purpose for living related to something you value most. And focus on that reason every day, state it for yourself when you wake up in the morning, when you go to sleep at night, and in-between. If you would like to share your thoughts about this, please do, and hopefully.. I can help you in the process of finding and choosing your own, personal Reason for living.

– Helplessness is the feeling and belief that you have no control over what is happening and what might happen next, that no matter what you do, you can’t prevent bad things from happening, so what’s the point.

It is true that we are all helpless in some situations and lots of people do find themselves in helpless situations such as wars, earthquakes or, on a smaller scale, financial bankruptcy.. or the loss of a scholarship. Here The Serenity Prayer can help (it definitely helps me). You can repeat it to yourself in the following words, or you can customize it to fit your religion or lack of religion, to English or another language: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference“.

This prayer/ focus is about adopting a calm state of mind, as calm as possible for you in regard to situations you truly cannot control, and to adopt a courageous state of mind in regard to situations you can control, at least in part, and then put this courage into action. You can think of courage as Strength in the face of Despair.

Here are a few quotes about courage (good reads): “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it’s the courage to continue that counts”, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you truly are”, “Courage is the most important of all virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently”.

Back to your words, Kshiti: “It would have been so unfair… it shattered me because of the sheer unfairness.. the biggest challenge was that it was due to entirely unfair reasons!“-

– Here are a few quotes on Fairness aka Justice: “Nothing is to be preferred before justice”, “Win or lose, do it fairly”, and “Life is unfair. And it’s not fair that life is unfair”.

Kshiti, accept with as much calm as you can all that you truly (and sadly) cannot change, and focus on changing what you can: practice fairness and justice in your choice of words and actions, and encourage others to do the same.

anita

Dear Courageous Seaturtle who is the bee’s knees (bee’s knees emoji)

No freezing toes today, (rainy but not cold). I hope that we both sleep well tonight!

anita

Dear Seaturtle;

I read only a bit of your recent post, beginning, middle and end, as I am not focused and about to go on my walk, but reads like this is all a great opportunity for the two of us to open that 3rd eye wider and bigger. Will get back to you in the morning! (Also, I like you very much, and was hoping..!! that we keep communicating, so glad to receive your message!)

anita