Good Sunday afternoon, Seaturtle:

You are welcome and thank you for being awesome!

“As I read n“- was a typo, I meant, As In read on (I don’t bring up N anymore and will talk about him only if you bring him up).

“Do you think there are still things hatch is hiding that I do not know about at all? If so, that is exciting news (excited face emoji)– I am sure that there are still things to uncover and discover about hatch (equally excited face emoji)

“The past 2 months, every time I miss N, I go over all the reasons why I did what I did, and I do get to a settled place… it makes sense I have not cried a ton since the breakup, because I cried over the breakup many times already, in the relationship“- imagine a lifetime of crying within the relationship.

“However, this morning, I sat down, a little over an hour ago now, and my intention was to open my third eye, have my crown chakra vibrating, and come to this forum. But as I was meditating, to open my third eye, I suddenly felt very sad, I miss N… there were good times, good times I miss with a friend (not good times I miss as a partner) … sic. I don’t want to make hatch hide that she misses N, but I also cannot sit in that for too long or it can start to cloud my judgement and decisions“- this is a very mature Seaturtle (hatch’s ideal parent): uncovering hatch’s sadness and her missing N as a friend, acknowledging and respecting hatch’s feelings, and setting healthy limits for hatch, for her own well-being.

“Is hatch the essence of my personality?“- hatch is the pre-personality part of you; she is who you were (and still are) before you adjusted (mostly) to your parents.

“I wonder! I would love to know if anyone’s related to me here“- there are people who read the forums and never post, silent readers.

“If authenticity and popularity could coincide, then I suppose that would feel good, the opposite of lonely“- I understand, yes, this is why you didn’t like my idea of you being an influencer, being that many are not authentic.  Authenticity is very important to you… and to me.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“Maybe I should be seeing a therapist“- if you can afford one who is a good CBT therapist who will teach you emotion regulation skills (distress tolerance), that will be best for you!

(I m adding the boldface feature to this quote): “In the past I used to watch a lot of movies she wanted to, and I was bored because I didn’t like them. But SHE liked them and she wanted us to watch it.. She just encouraged me, did not force me of course.. But I don’t have my own opinion most of times… I could never say no. That’s why I am angry now when she says she is not interested in something I want to see…I feel resentful now and stupid“- this is a classic description of a codependent relationship where your sense of self/ self identity is minimal, there is like a vacuum in the area where Caroline’s Identity (Caroline’s opinions, likes, wants) is supposed to be , so- in your mind and in practice- she takes over this vacuum: life becomes about her opinions, her likes, her wants. The result is indeed anger and resentment on the part of the one who is codependent.

“She agreed to watch a movie last time because she already knows I would be angry about it. That’s the only way I can get her to do anything with me“- if you don’t express to her that you dislike something and you go along with it, then it’s only when you get angry that she has the opportunity to know that you don’t like something…?

“I could never do something like that. I could never decide “I will pay and you just.. go away with your credit card”. She would not let. If she wanted to pay and I would try to stop her – that would not happen“- you need to learn assertiveness skills. If you act assertively with her (instead of passively/ codependently), you will not be angry with her for being assertive.

In regard to whether you told her in the past that it offends you when she pays for groceries, you answered: “I never told her that“- so when she paid for groceries, she didn’t know and had no way to know that it’d offend you.

“We planned vacation… We finally agreed we were going to see Italy… she said Venice it is… at this point I did not know what I wanted anymore… Am I mentally ill?“- you are in a desperate need to learn emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, as well as challenging distressing thoughts (CBT).

“Anita.. can you tell what is wrong with me? I feel like I am really trying to be honest, to have a good relationship and I can see she is also trying. She really does. Or those things I said to her what makes me upset etc. she does try to change it. Not perfectly and not every time but I see she does want to. And yet still there’s a problem every time we try to talk about something“- the vacuum I mentioned earlier, it needs to get filled with Caroline, with what Caroline thinks, likes (and dislikes) wants, believes in, etc. Your girlfriend did not create this vacuum. It was created long ago, when you were growing up.

You need to get to know yourself, get to know the positive and wonderful things about yourself and come to a place where you think well of you, a place where you esteem and respect yourself. Does this sound right to you?

anita

Dear Jus:

You are welcome. I hope that you learn from the experience, be wiser for it, and that you are feeling better. If it helps, you are welcome to share here your deep thoughts and I will attentively and respectfully reply to you.

anita

Good morning Seaturtle and hatch:

“A calm parent, with an open mind. Someone who asked me questions about myself, and genuinely wanted to know me, as opposed to use what they knew to manipulate me“- be this parent toward yourself: hatch had to hide from a real-life parent who used what he knew about her/ what he saw- against her. She needs to find that which she hid from that manipulative parent .. because hiding for so long, she forgot what it is that she is hiding. She needs you to be an honest, trustworthy parent to SEE her and not use what you see against her.

“Someone with grandma-like warm hugs, who I could trust to still be there, when I turned my head. A grandma who moved slowly, and spoke soft“- be this parent to hatch, interact with her warmly, empathetically, softly, patiently, no matter what. Be on her side, for her, always.

“A Dad who was curious to watch me grow, rather than afraid of it. Who responded with interest rather than concern“- be curious to watch hatch uncover what she’s been hiding, be prepared to be joyfully surprised by what you uncover and discover.

“Both of these parents consistently treating each other softly. More predictability“- be a very consistent and predictable soft parent to hatch.

“Either of them asking me what I wanted“- ask hatch what she wants, ask her softly. Listen to simple words that a child would say. If she can’t choose words, give her color pencils or paint to draw for you what it is that she wants.

“A mom with advice on how to make friends. A strong confident woman who had self control, who knew what she liked and knew how to get it“- to be a consistent, predictable parent to hatch, you’d have to practice self-control, and you’d have to rely and be confident with your own understanding of people and situations.

“A compassionate father, who wanted me to be me. Who wanted to know my friends and be involved“- this is what hatch wants from Seaturtle, she says: I want to be me! I want you to help me be me! Be with me.. and help me!

“An affectionate dad, with the  empathy to see when I was hurting. And certainly never try to cause hurt, and if by accident genuinely apologized“- You will make mistakes with hatch. Apologize to her when you do. Tell her what you learned from your mistakes and how you intend to act differently in the future, in a similar situation.. then show her that you learned your lesson. This is how she will trust you.

“A dad who let me win board games and told me I was awesome. A mom who could help my dad see me. Loving parents, towards each other“- tell hatch she is awesome, help people see you (but don’t pressure them, don’t demand), be loving toward people in your life.

“Reason behind the word ‘no.’ Being treated like I was capable of understanding and maturity“- you will need to say No to hatch from time to time. Explain to her the reason behind your no’s.

“A dad asking me how I felt, and after I responded, saying it was valid. A loyal and honest mom, calm and decisive. Her only priorities being her family and herself. A dad who thought I was cool, funny, and strong. And a mom who was those things“- may hatch be your first priority, and may hatch be… hatch, funny or not (whether people think she is funny, cool, strong, or not).

anita

Dear Jus:

I read your original post attentively. You read like an honest, straightforward person; he reads like a wishy-washy person who sometimes tells you the truth, at other times, he doesn’t. Reads like he never told you the whole truth at any one time. Seems to me that this is his faulty character, sadly.

I wouldn’t contact him if I was you until and unless (like you told him), he arrives- in action, not in words- to your city to meet you in-person.

anita

Dear Sina:

The OP in this thread posted three times June 29-July 1, 2014. Her situation that you identify with (“I’m in the same situation“) is that she broke up with her boyfriend of 1 year, a man she thought highly of, a “closest friend“, a man she thought would’ve been an amazing husband and father- because she didn’t feel excited about a life with him as a romantic partner, she felt claustrophobic within the relationship and wanted freedom. After wrestling with herself for a few months, she broke up with him. At first, she felt empowered but then she felt guilty for having hurt his feelings, doubtful about whether she did the right thing, angry and then sad that he didn’t want to remain friends.. and eventually (in her 3rd post) she felt okay with her decision to break up with him.

This is what she wrote on July 1, 2014 (I don’t think you read her 3rd and last post): “I miss both the companionship aspect of the relationship and him, I think, but I’m sure it would be easier if I had more to do to keep busy on weekends… I do feel like I loved him as a friend (and I do love my friends!) but obviously there are different kinds of love, and sometimes that is just not enough…. I’m feeling a lot more settled about it today“-

– In your post today (Feb 2, 2024), Sina, you asked: “Please tell me it gets better“. M answered you almost 10 years ago: yes, it gets better. For her it got better on the 3rd day of her thread. Please post again, if it helps.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“I can’t not beat myself up. I made a huge mistake“- being beaten up, you are more likely to make more mistakes, not less. If you want to make fewer mistakes, don’t beat yourself up and have empathy toward yourself instead.

“I do not have a life during a week. I only have work and sleep… I ruined my own life“- don’t ruin your life further by .. beating yourself up. I know how strong the impulse to .. be mean to yourself, but it’s a destructive impulse.

“All I do everyday is sit in my room in front of my computer. I am too tired in the morning and then I can’t leave till 10pm. I do not feel good“- this has to change, sitting in your room all day. Either you find a way to get out somehow, every day, or quit the job ASAP.

How about a few days break from the job for the rest of this week + weekend?

anita