More (because there’s always more 🙂 😔 🙂 😔 🙂 😔 🙂)

I expect this thread to be long, no rushing. A Personal Reckoning takes time.

I am trying to really, really get in touch with little girl Anita, a girl lost to me.

A girl I want to reconnect with more.. with all the sadness and joy that it entails.

Erased by Parental Demand .. not completely erased.

So, little girl Anita, speak to me, please..?

Little girl Anita (LGA): Ima (meaning, “Mother!”).. Ima, Ima, Ima..

Tell me, tell me, little Anita..

LGA: IMA.. IMA!

Tell me..

LGA: I LOVE YOU IMA!!!!!!!

She didn’t know?

LGA: No. She didn’t know.

What did she think she knew?

LGA: She thought she knew, she thought I was.. BAD.

I hate being bad. I don’t want to be bad. Help me, help me be good.

She said you were bad..?

LGA: Yes.

And you believed her?

LGA: She said so, she said I was bad.. And then.. I really was bad, I hit my little sister… I WAS B.A.D. And I’ve done wrong to other people.. Am I B.A.D.. I am bad (crying..)

I don’t want to be bad, I never wanted to (crying out loud)

She told you that you were bad? How, what did she say?

LGA: She said I was BAD, she said I had plans to hurt her and then.. executed those plans.

And it wasn’t true, what she said?

LGA: no.

What was it all about?

LGA: Love misinterpreted (not a little girl’s wording.. is it?)

No, you and I are merging..

LGA: Into what, into whom?

Into a person who speaks the truth

LGA: But she DID speak the truth! She said I was BAD.

You believe it?

LGA: Yes, she said it! She SAID it, she said I was- am BAD.

But.. it wasn’t true.

LGA: Sounded so true, 100% true.. Am I BAD.. Make HER say I am not bad. Make her say I am not…

(crying too loudly, have to stop)

I am trying to figure out what that “something else” (“Why don’t you punch me in the face?”) was about..?

* I am still feeling upset about it all.

I’ll try to answer.. wait, I’ll let inner child Anita answer (using Jana’s inner child exercise, Oct 6):

“Put down two cushions. First sit on one cushion and pretend you are the helpless, vulnerable child. You express yourself: ‘Dear one, I am very helpless. I cannot do anything. It’s very dangerous. I’m going to die; nobody is taking care of me.’ You have to speak the language of the baby. And while you are expressing yourself like that, if the feelings of fear, hopelessness, stress, and helplessness come up, please allow them to come up and recognize them. Allow the helpless child enough time to express herself fully. This is very important.”-

Dear one, I am very helpless. I am scared. I cannot do anything. This is very dangerous. I.. I don’t want to be afraid anymore!!!

I don’t want to be the helpless, scared, cannot-do-anything little victim! I CAN fight! I WILL fight!

“After she has finished, move to the other cushion to play the role of the adult self. As you look at the other cushion, imagine the helpless child is sitting there and talk to her: ‘Listen to me. I am your adult self. You are no longer a helpless child; we have grown up into an adult already. We have enough intelligence to protect ourselves, to survive by ourselves. We don’t need someone to take care of us anymore.'”-

Listen to me, beautiful, courageous, little Anita: Yes, let’s not go belly up anymore, let’s not surrender to aggressors (mother, S). Let’s not try to people-please them anymore (to help and help and help S, if she comes back to my life).

I respect you, little Anita. I love you. I am here FOR you. I will love us and hold ourselves accountable because we are good people.

End of exercise, for now.

Looking back, I think that S wanted to quit for some time and she used me to justify her planned quitting. I think that she was jealous of my motherly connection with her son who also works in the place (he expressed some distance from her, and closeness to me.. and she noticed).

I think that I was an easy target for her days-long anger (if not longer) because I was so helpful and eager to please her.

I want to shift any and all Judgment of S into Empathy, and yet, if she is back in my life- no more helping her, no more eager to please her. She can do all the physical work her job entails.. on her own.

A twist to the story- S is a witch, so she says.. the nice kind of witch..(White Witch, I think), but long ago, she did express that she can- if she wishes- cast spells on people. It’s all part of her spiritual thing. A few days ago, she gave me a gift, an ankle bracelet. Since I had the bracelet on my left ankle, I developed a persistent, disturbing pain in my left angle. Having just realized this.. possible connection, I removed the bracelet.. and my left knee feels better.

Weird..?

🪄 ✨🔮 🌙 🧙‍♀️ 🌀 👁 Anita