Dear Klast:

Thank you for the no-rush note!  Iconoclast: a person who attacks cherished beliefs or institutions. I see why you chose (the short version of) this word.

“I grew up going to a Christian church…  It was one of those churches that abused me in unspeakable ways, that I fortunately don’t remember“- I am sorry to read that you were abused, and in unspeakable ways.

About re-associating with your anger and re-personalizing your life, you wrote: “I guess so. I am a bit concerned about going through all this with the current state of my brain“- good point, something to ask a competent professional, if you are interested. In general, any kind of re-associating/ re-personalizing work should be done very gently, a bit today, a bit tomorrow, noting rushed.

“I have recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD , after all the traumas throughout my life. Seems like I am regularly getting diagnosed with something, every decade or so“- (1) C-PTSD is an umbrella diagnosis. Last I read, in the U.S. (DSM-5) it was rejected as a diagnosis because it’d make many previously accepted diagnoses obsolete, (2) There are so many mental health diagnoses available, no wonder most- if not all people- fit at least one. I was diagnosed with quite a few.

“I used to have bad panic attacks, but I learnt to down regulate them with diaphragmatic breathing… Back then the docs said I had the lungs of someone 11 years younger, now it’s only 5 years younger“- excellent job down regulating panic attacks, inspirational!

“When I met my wife 20 years ago. I had a strong sense of us having a long term relationship. Within 3 months of me moving in, her kids wanted to call me Dad. She’s a trauma child/woman like me, we feel we are on a committed life journey of healing together.“-  again: inspirational!

anita

I am sorry, Klast: I ran out of time to reply to you as attentively as I would like. I intend to do so in the next 1-2 days.

anita

Dear Shandrea:

You are welcome. “I currently feel accomplished… for now I feel ok!… I love the whole me now“- good to read this!

“I  have a lot of family members blocked from my phone. They gaslight me, they also call me a names like Oreo (My skin is black but I act white.. My sister wants me to unblock and talk to them… Last year… my dad…  called me fat… and said I ain’t sh*t and I will never have sh*t… I don’t want to be a part of drama but I can’t keep these people blocked forever“- I would keep all offenders (family or not) blocked from your phone and from your life.

“As a kid I was forced to talk to these people but as an adult I don’t have to“- exactly: now, you don’t have to!

“How do you treat or communicate with relatives you don’t trust… I guess my son need to meet them too“- if you choose contact with offending, not-to-be-trusted people, do it not in a 1-to-1 context, such as talking with your father on the phone, or meeting him where it’s just you and him (or you, him, and your son), but in a public setting where there are people around, a setting where an offender will be too embarrassed to offend you (because people are watching): let’s say a wedding, a big family gathering, a restaurant.

“I also told him (your father) what I thought of him. I called him a cr*ck head sperm donor“- you pointed to and criticized his specific problematic behaviors: addiction to crack, and not parenting his children. In this criticism, you gave him an opportunity to consider his .. misbehaviors, and to consider changing those. If he was a good person, he’d say (and mean it): yes, I am addicted to crack, and yes, I did not take care of you. I am so sorry. I want to make it up to you now, just a bit..

Notice that when he said this to you: “He also called me fat“, he was  criticizing, not your behavior, but your looks, which is  nothing but rude. When he said this to you: “and said I ain’t sh*t and I will never have sh*t“- he did not criticize any specific problematic behaviors that he thinks you should change, so= no opportunity for you to consider positive changes. He was general and his intent was nothing but to hurt your feelings.

I am so sorry that he talked to you like this. It makes me angry that he did. You definitely did not, and do not deserve such talk!

anita

Dear Tom:

Your first post on tiny buddha was on Dec 20, 2016, and I replied to you on that same day (34 minutes after you submitted your first post). In your various threads we communicated in 2017, 2018, 2019, and (following a break of 5 years), most recently, in 2024.

On May 19, 2019, I submitted a post for you that is still relevant today: “Dear Tom: Fear is a powerful emotion and it stops a whole lot of people from making progress toward a better life, a better job, a better relationship, a better anything. When we are too scared, we freeze and stay where we are. You shared about your tendency to overthink in previous threads in the context of relationships. Anxiety and overthinking is often not specific to one context in life but extends to many contexts…”.

As I went over your threads this morning, I noticed that we never discussed your childhood, where I assume your anxiety took hold, and that such a discussion may be helpful. I am guessing that one or both of your parents were often disapproving, critical, and that as a child, you walked on eggshells, so to speak: anxious as a child, anxious as an adult.. any truth to this?

anita

Dear Zenith:

How nice of you to stop by (virtually) and ask how I’m doing! I am okay, a bit upset that mowing today, I ran over a water hose and tore it in 4 places. Not the end of the world, is it, lol. Soon, I will go out and about and be back in the evening. How are you???

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are very welcome! Glad to read he’s up walking. I hope he will be up to eating (a very specialized diet, I am sure) soon!

It’s heart-warming to read how helpful he’s been to you, and I do understand your concern for the quality of his life (not just the quantity), not wanting him to suffer. I hope to read updates from you about how you and your dog are doing.

anita

Sorry for the misspelling of your screen name, Shandrea.