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  • in reply to: Advice on accepting boyfriend’s female best friend #447850
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ada:

    “Part of my resentment towards Sam stems from not feeling like he truly values who I am — reserved, conservative, introspective.”-

    Ada, your honesty here is powerful. I wonder if the ache you describe might be less about Sam not valuing those parts of you, and more about you not fully valuing them yourself. When we stand firm in our own quiet strengths—our thoughtfulness, our depth, our sensitivity—the need to be seen and affirmed by another softens. It doesn’t vanish, but it stops feeling like proof of worth.

    Growth doesn’t mean becoming like Sarah, of course. Growth might mean celebrating the elegance of your own inner rhythm. And maybe, gently, allowing it to take up more space in your relationship—not with loudness, but with certainty.

    You don’t need to abandon who you are to be loved well. You only need to stand where you are and decide that it’s enough.

    Of course, that doesn’t mean Sam’s behavior hasn’t contributed to the discomfort—it’s possible that both are playing a role. But I wonder if anchoring more deeply in your own self-worth might ease some of the ache around being seen.

    🤍 Anita

    in reply to: Blank Canvas #447846
    anita
    Participant

    Hi Alessa 😄❤️

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m really glad the conversation has been meaningful for you—and your insights as both a parent and a seeker add such depth to the thread. I’m grateful for how you show up here.

    And absolutely—if @Tommy feels drawn to this topic, he would be more than welcome to join in. His voice would be a valuable addition to what’s unfolding here.

    With warmth and appreciation, Anita 🤍🤗

    in reply to: Blank Canvas #447843
    anita
    Participant

    Hi Everyone:

    Alessa: “there is a huge level of trust in their caregiver… I believed my Mother and tried my hardest to be a good girl. I reviewed my mistakes each evening and tried to do better. I believed that if I did things perfectly, I wouldn’t be hurt. (Simply not true) But there was were always new things I was doing wrong. That intense trust in the caregiver and the lack of understanding.”-

    Your words trace the heartbreaking logic of childhood: If I’m good enough, maybe the pain will stop. It begins with the child’s instinctive, total trust—a trust that is not earned, but biologically wired for survival. And when that trust is met with harm, the child doesn’t question the caregiver—they question themselves.

    This trust is absolute—the child assumes the caregiver is right, even when the caregiver is harmful. When the caregiver is unpredictable or punitive, the child internalizes the message: “If I’m being treated this way, I must be bad.” The child then begins to monitor themselves obsessively, trying to be “good enough” to restore connection.

    Unlike healthy shame, which helps us learn and grow, toxic shame is identity-based. It doesn’t say “I made a mistake,” it says “I am a mistake.” Over time, this erodes the child’s sense of self, leading to: low self-worth, perfectionism, emotional withdrawal, and difficulty forming healthy relationships.

    The child psychology service. co. uk/ impact of shame: “Children traumatised by neglect and abuse… are hypersensitive to shame and unable to tolerate it… Abuse and neglect are shaming for babies and young children because, unable to understand the social world or the minds of other people, all they have is themselves. So when they, unconsciously, try to make sense of the parenting they receive the only person that can possibly be in control, and therefore responsible, is themselves. Therefore, babies can only interpret their experiences as their own fault…

    “Babies do not have any concept of the idea that other people have minds that are different to their own. If they did they may able to understand that the responsibility for the treatment they receive is someone else’s.”

    This article explains that children who experience neglect or abuse often carry a double burden when it comes to shame. First, they become highly sensitive to shame, and struggle to tolerate even small doses of it. Second, the way they behave—shaped by early survival instincts—is often misunderstood by adults, who use reward and punishment systems to try to “correct” them. These systems rely on shame to influence behavior, unintentionally piling more shame on top of the child’s original wounds.

    When babies and young children are mistreated, they don’t yet understand that others have independent thoughts and responsibilities. They can only see the world from inside themselves. So when something painful happens, they believe it must be their fault. They unconsciously interpret the hurt they receive as proof of their own badness, absorbing shame before they even have the words for it. This early shame becomes a deep part of their identity.

    As these children grow, they feel shame each time they fail to meet expectations. Adults often respond with correction, frustration, or discipline, which only confirms the child’s belief that they’re wrong or unworthy. This doesn’t help them change—it just deepens the idea that they’re inherently flawed. It’s a cycle that reinforces shame at every turn.

    Psych central/ childhood toxic shame (very true to me): “Toxic shame is often accompanied by toxic guilt, where the person feels unjust responsibility and guilt. So the person not only feels ashamed, but also guilty for things they are not actually responsible for. They also feel responsible for other peoples emotions, and feel ashamed and guilty when other people are unhappy, especially if its in some way related to them.”

    I further read that to heal toxic shame (so I read), the child (or adult they become) must:

    * Reclaim the truth: “It wasn’t me. It was what was done to me.”

    * Rebuild trust—not just in others, but in their own worth.

    * Experience relationships where love is unconditional, and mistakes are met with compassion, not punishment.

    Peter: “On the question of shame, I’ve found L.B. Smedes book ‘Shame and Grace’ one of the best I read on the subject…. I’ve been reading up on Sufism and they might speak of shame as something woven into the fabric of being human. ‘The heart must be polished until it reflects only the Beloved’. But the dust on the mirror, that too is part of the path. Even Shame, deserved and undeserved and ancient, can become a polish.-

    A few quotes from the book (which I didn’t read): “We feel guilty for what we do. We feel shame for what we are.”,

    “Shame is a very heavy feeling. It is a vague undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and diminishes our joy.”

    “The cure for shame is not to try harder to be good. The cure is grace.”

    “Grace is the gift of being accepted before we become acceptable.”

    In Sufism (so I read), the Beloved is God—pure, radiant, and ever-present. The heart, in its raw form, is like a mirror, meant to reflect the divine, but it’s dulled by dust: ego, fear, desire, grief, shame. This dust isn’t a flaw. It’s part of the journey. The mirror isn’t broken—it’s waiting to be polished.

    According to Sufi healers, shame arises when connection is broken—with self (when we feel we’ve betrayed our own values or worth), others (when we’re rejected, misunderstood, or harmed), or the Divine (when we feel unworthy of love or grace).

    Shame is a signal, not a sentence. It tells us where connection has frayed. Vulnerability is the medicine. When we stop hiding, we begin healing. Surrender is the path. In admitting our brokenness, we open to grace.

    Instead of covering shame with perfectionism or withdrawal, Sufis encourage us to name it, feel it, and offer it to the Divine. That act of surrender becomes a sacred intimacy—a moment where the heart, raw and exposed, is most receptive to Love.

    This teaching doesn’t deny the pain of shame—it transforms it: The child who felt “bad” becomes the seeker who knows they are beloved. The wound becomes the place where the Light enters, as Rumi said. The mirror, once clouded, begins to shine—not despite the dust, but because it was polished by it.

    Thank you Alessa and Peter for giving me this opportunity to understand better and address my lifelong toxic shame. I wish more people joined us here.

    🤍 Anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    Please don’t worry at all about delays—truly, whatever pace feels right for you is absolutely fine with me. I deeply value the connection that’s grown between us, and I’d love for you to feel free and safe to message whenever it suits you, whether that’s twice a week or once a month or only when your heart nudges you toward it.

    I hear the weight you’re carrying right now, and I admire your strength in seeking to understand it more fully in therapy. Grief has its own strange rhythm, and it asks so much of us. Please be gentle with yourself.

    If email feels more comfortable for you when sharing personal reflections, I welcome that wholeheartedly. Feel free to post your address whenever you’re ready, and I’ll be sure to write to you there. Just so you know—each morning when I sit at the computer, I tend to check and answer tiny buddha first before opening my email.

    Warm hugs back to you—soft ones and sturdy ones. Looking forward to hearing from you in any form and any moment that feels right.

    🤍 Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447823
    anita
    Participant

    Another stream of consciousness journaling:

    It’s 7:08 pm and yet, no sound of birds. On the other hand, there’s a loud thunder sound every once in a while. I suppose the birds are settling in little safe areas, preparing for a storm.

    It’s been hot and dry here for a long time, so long that the thunder sounded- to me- like a military bombing- it’s been too long since the last thunder. So, I forgot.

    I just heard a bird. Refreshing cooler air through the open windows (7:43 pm).

    8:32, no more thunders, birds are singing. Light outside. An airplane in a distance.

    The hum of traffic in a distance.

    Maybe there will be no storm, no rain (8:39 pm)

    “Life Worth Living- what is it like?”- a life free of toxic shame, free of unbearable guilt.

    A life where I stand tall, feeling confident, carrying myself- not with toxic shame and unbearable guilt- but with pride (not the biblical condemnable pride), shoulders back, head up.. on top of the world, not below.

    How deep and pervasive the shame (the toxic shame kind).. doesn’t let me LIVE a LIFE WORTH LIVING- always something I’m doing wrong.. so the message goes. So many mistakes. Here’s another.. and another.. oh, how WRONG I .. am.. wrong again, am I?

    Seems like the only way for me to not be Wrong, is.. to not be Alive.

    My brain has been programmed from a very early age .. every step I take.. is the wrong, WRONG step.. Wrong me doing wrong, Wrong.

    9:06 pm, a bit of darkness, cool air, no thunder.

    To undo the programming, it takes courage, a leap of faith.

    As in, I am not necessarily Wrong, not always Guilty?

    My mother’s legacy in my life is that of Shame and Guilt, heavy duty, drilled-in.. over and over and over.. and over again.

    9:12 pm, Mon.. birds are singing, bold and strong.. They give me hope.

    9:22 pm, darker, no sounds of birds.

    9:30 pm, almost completely dark. No bird sounds, It makes me sad.. Another goodbye from my best friends, the birds.

    I so very, very.. very much want to let the shame and guilt pass and be gone.. for good.

    Peter.. ?

    9:40 pm, just a bit of light when I look to my right, otherwise.. totally dark.

    I am aware of how pervasive, how dominant the message has been, the message my mother cared-so-MUCH to instill in me: that I am BAD and GUILTY.

    How it took hold.

    It’s almost completely dark now, 9:52 pm.

    A light plane in the air. No thunders for a long time.

    Will Ada, or Confused.. or Emma will ever post again..?

    10 pm- now, completely dark.

    Goodnight, dear birds.. hear you in the morning.

    Anita

    in reply to: Blank Canvas #447822
    anita
    Participant

    Hi Everyone:

    “My son accidentally kicked me in the face. I said “Ow, my nose is sore!” He came over and gave it a kiss.”- this is the most beautiful thing I read in quite sometime, Alessa 😊

    I find beauty in your idea that moral shame, when welcomed like Buddhism suggests, can be less of a burden and more of a guide. Not something to punish ourselves with, but something that gently says, “You care. You want to do better.” And maybe that’s the heart of it—the capacity to care.

    The book Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw, along with other works on toxic shame, makes a clear and vital distinction between healthy shame and toxic shame. Healthy Shame acknowledges human limitations: It reminds us we’re not perfect, and that’s okay. It promotes humility and empathy: It helps us recognize when we’ve hurt others and motivates repair. It supports growth: It creates space for reflection, learning, and change. It is temporary and situational: It arises in response to specific actions, not as a judgment of the whole self. It encourages connection: It deepens relationships through vulnerability and accountability. Example: “I made a mistake, and I want to make it right.”

    Toxic Shame, on the other hand, becomes an identity: It convinces us we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. It freezes the nervous system: It leads to emotional paralysis, isolation, and despair. It distorts perception: It makes us see neutral or positive feedback as criticism. It is chronic and pervasive: It’s not about what we did—it’s about who we believe we are. It blocks healing: It prevents self-compassion and reinforces cycles of self-blame. Example: “I am a mistake. I don’t deserve love.”

    Bradshaw describes toxic shame as the internalized voice that says “I am bad,” rather than “I did something wrong.” It’s the shame that binds, silences, and distorts. Healthy shame, by contrast, is a guide—it helps us live ethically, relate meaningfully, and stay grounded in our shared humanity.

    So I read (the above). I intend to shift from toxic shame to healthy shame, than you, Alessa, for reminding me of this distinction and for the smile you brought to my face as I imagined your son giving your 👃 a 😘.

    Warmly, Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447820
    anita
    Participant

    In regard to this one stream-of-consciousness journaling, I am asking for no replies. Also, trigger Warning.

    S.H.A.M.E and G.U.I.T- two very, very difficult experiences. As I typed this sentence, just now, the thought “Death is preferable” occurred.

    I remember thinking- I was either a teenager or in my very early 20s- “if I could have one day in my life where I don’t feel Guilty, my life would be worth living”-

    It just occurred to me: the title of this thread is Life “Worth Living”.

    G.U.I.L.T was so very, very heavy.

    My mother (MFH) used to lay it heavy on me: hours of histrionic displays of how much (she claimed) I had hurt her, how I intended (she claimed) to hurt her.. showing me where, on her wrists, she would cut with a razor blade so to put an end to the suffering (she claimed) I caused her.. because I was (.. she claimed) evil.

    After each such histrionic display, she would calm down.. until the next time she found it necessary to.. once again, and again, and again… and again, let me know (just in case I managed to forget..) that indeed, I was the cause of her suffering.

    I didn’t deserve that guilt.

    But later in life, I have done wrong to others.. But already so immersed in guilt, I couldn’t tell the difference between valid, o justified guilt and the other kind- the kind that my mother imposed on me.

    And S.H.A.M.E took hold- the feeling that I am a freak, an inexcusable creature of wrongness.. one taking space but shouldn’t. Being some kind of inexcusable otherness.. not worthy of togetherness.

    To please my mother meant to erase myself. To erase that B.A.D.

    These complex experiences of G.U.I.L.T and S.H.A.M.E dominated my life.. a life that felt like.. not “Worth Living”.

    To re-enter The Garden of Eden (referring to my recent post to Peter)- Guilt and Shame cannot be left behind. They are parts of me.

    But these parts- instead of continuing to weigh me down- are parts that I can carry with courage, like a hero.

    I want my life to no longer be about self-erasure, the bely-up reaction to aggression, or potential aggression. I want C.O.U.R.A.G.E to be the theme of my life, a courage that will make the re-entry into Eden possible.

    I have done wrong to people.. some of my guilt is valid. I have done wrong. And it’d be very difficult to no longer do no-wrong to anyone.. ever.

    But my focus can shift from F.E.A.R of being bad to C.O.U.R.A.G.E- the confidence that.. as faulty and damaged as I have been, I can be something else now, something different- a person I am no longer ashamed of.. a person I am proud of (not in the biblical sinful kind of pride).

    From my best efforts to erase myself, to people-please to => living a life “Worth Living”- one where I AM- not something to hide, but something to BE, to EXPRESS.

    And in all that, to focus on the Sacred: love, compassion.

    Anita

    in reply to: Blank Canvas #447819
    anita
    Participant

    Thank you, Peter. I see you as a mentor—someone guiding me through what is still difficult to do.

    After I posted yesterday, I found myself revisited by an old companion: shame. A flicker of disappointment stirred, as if I had declared “No shame!” and expected the spell to hold. It was a kind of magical thinking—a pattern I recognize from childhood and adolescence: “From now on, I’ll be good.” “From now on, I’ll make no mistakes.” And last night: “From now on, no shame, no guilt.”

    Reading your response, I saw the echo of that same wish: to return to Eden as we once were—innocent, untouched, unburdened. As if simply shedding shame and guilt were enough to slip back into the garden as the little girl I used to be.

    But you offered a wiser truth: we cannot return as we were—only as we are, transformed. And transformation begins with radical acceptance. Shame and guilt become threads in the tapestry of our story—not definitions of our worth, but markers of growth.

    To transform them is to cultivate a climate of love and belonging where those old echoes lose their sting—where they cannot survive because the atmosphere is too warm, too clear, too kind.

    What emerges, I hope, is a transformed innocence—not rooted in ignorance, but in wisdom, compassion, and radical self-acceptance. If Eden is to be re-entered, it is not through denial, but through integration. We must become someone who belongs there—someone who has turned suffering into strength, guilt into grace.

    And I do see your grace, Peter—in your words, your insight, your absence of judgment.

    Eden isn’t lost—it has changed shape. It is no longer a garden untouched by awareness, but a sacred space earned through turning suffering into strength, guilt into grace, confusion into insight, and shame into liberation—the freedom to exist without apology or self-erasure.

    It’s a place of integration: of light and shadow, joy and sorrow, innocence and experience.

    Shame and guilt aren’t banished at the gate—they are transformed by the fire that guards it.

    Thank you for walking with me into this unfolding, Peter—for echoing the stillness and the fire. If you feel moved to respond, I’d love to hear what Eden feels like for you, now… not as a memory, but as a rhythm that’s shifting.

    .. I feel a current moving—I’ll follow it into my own thread, where the words will find their rhythm.

    Anita

    in reply to: Blank Canvas #447801
    anita
    Participant

    “There are moments when language bows and steps aside, when the most generous thing a voice can do is echo the stillness.”-

    – to echo a shameless stillness, a guiltless stillness.

    To let go of these two turbulences.

    To claim, reclaim Innocence.

    Instead of exiting the garden of Eden.. Reclaim it, Conquer it.

    This is what I want to do. A return to the Blank Canvas.

    Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447800
    anita
    Participant

    Journaling, stream of consciousness.. Nothing for you, the reader to fix.
    The purpose in this is therapeutic: to Express the Suppressed:

    (I have NO idea what I am about to type)..

    The birds, I hear them singing at 9:21 pm this Sunday night.

    Drinking yet another glass of red wine.

    Listening to Fleetwood Mac.

    All the Shame.. shame.. a terrible experience.

    And the Guilt..

    I don’t want these anymore.

    I want to give myself a new start.. I mean, REALLY.. a New Beginning-

    Being a decent person, no longer weighed down by Shame and Guilt.

    F.R.E.E

    Let’s make July 21, 2025- a New Beginning for me.. shameless, guiltless.

    To wake up to a life not weighted down by that heavy, heavy shame and guilt.

    “Here I am on the road again.. There I go, turn the page”-

    I want to turn the page for good.. to let go of shame and guilt.. I can do it!

    Be the best person I can be tomorrow, and every day after.. and forgive myself for ALL past mistakes.. and non-mistakes (both)

    A New Beginning, a New Page.

    Sun night, 9:40 pm.. almost, not quiet dark.

    Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447799
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alessa:

    Thank you for your kind message❤️. It means a lot to know I didn’t make things harder for you, and I really appreciate your care and thoughtfulness. Please don’t feel bad about my emotional reaction—it came from reading something real and honest, and I value your openness so much.

    I’m sorry you know PTSD so closely too, though I’m also grateful you’ve found ways to comfort and ground yourself. The way you talk to yourself during those moments—reminding yourself that you’re safe now, that you deserved to be protected as a child—that’s such a strong and loving thing to do. It’s not silly at all. I think your scented candles, teddy bears, and music create a kind of emotional safety net, and that’s beautiful.

    Your reminder to mother myself… it landed gently. It’s something I want to hold closer. If I were my own child, I think I’d say: “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were good. You’re still good.”

    Thank you again for sharing your rituals and thoughts. ❤️

    Anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Genesis:

    I want to reply to you a second time to improve upon my first message from over a month ago.

    It’s clear your husband has said and done things that left you doubting your worth and questioning whether you were ever fully wanted. Yet at the same time, you mention that he’s a lovely person, that he loves you now, and that you’ve begun couples therapy together (“We recently start couples counseling. I know he loves me now, and he’s a lovely person”). That says something about his willingness to try—but also raises questions about why these ruptures happened in the first place.

    There could be many possible motivations behind his behavior, and while none excuse the harm, understanding them might help you make sense of the confusion:

    1) Avoidance of conflict or discomfort: He may struggle to voice difficult feelings in real time, delaying honesty until circumstances force it—like after the wedding or during financial losses. He might not believe conflict can be navigated constructively, so he puts off the truth until it spills out under pressure—where it often causes more harm.

    2) Fear of rejection or emotional vulnerability: Some people hold back truths because they’re scared that being fully open will make them unlovable, so they hide parts of themselves and hope things will “just work out.”

    3) Unresolved internal insecurities: Someone might push their partner away because they’re scared of getting too close, not because they don’t care. Your husband might have struggled with commitment or his own self-worth early on, and instead of facing it directly, he made abrupt moves (like breaking things off or sharing unexpected confessions) that left you feeling unchosen or unwanted. But those actions may have been more about his internal conflict than about his valuing you.

    4) Poor communication skills or emotional immaturity: It’s possible he simply hasn’t learned how to navigate emotional complexity with clarity and care. Sharing personal doubts at inappropriate times, making comments about attraction, or mismanaging decisions like whether to have children—these don’t necessarily point to malice. They might reflect an underdeveloped emotional toolkit. He may not yet know how to express complexity with care: how to hold space for nuance, how to balance truth with kindness, how to repair rather than explain away. This immaturity doesn’t mean he can’t grow—but it does mean the healing will require intention, not just affection.

    You asked whether it’s possible to heal from patterns like this. Sometimes it is—especially if both partners are willing to do the deeper work. That includes not just apologies, but repair that is active, consistent, and emotionally attuned. It also includes space for your healing, on your terms.

    Rebuilding self-esteem after feeling chipped away takes gentleness, patience, and reconnection with your own truth. What parts of you feel silenced or small in this relationship? What boundaries need to be reclaimed?

    I hope couples therapy brings clarity—and I hope you keep holding space for your own growth and wholeness. You don’t have to figure everything out at once. You’re allowed to take your time, and you’re allowed to prioritize your peace.

    Sending care and strength, Anita

    in reply to: Blank Canvas #447795
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Peter, and thank you for the stillness. I feel it now. I want to feel it more and more.

    🤍 Anita

    in reply to: True Love still exist when you have faith and patience. #447792
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gregory:

    Reading your message brought a smile to my face. Your happiness shines through every word, and it’s truly heartwarming to see how hopeful and empowered you’re feeling. I’m keeping my fingers crossed alongside you and cheering for every step forward in your journey—especially as your DG continues to support capacity building. That’s such a meaningful path.

    I would absolutely love to meet you if you come to the U.S.—please do let me know where you’ll be! East Coast, West Coast…?

    Thank you for your kind wishes. I’m holding them close. I’ll be here, looking forward to your next update.

    Warm regards, Anita

    in reply to: Life Worth Living- what is it like? #447791
    anita
    Participant

    Hi Alessa:

    I saw that you posted here hours ago, but I postponed reading it because I anticipated feeling emotional.

    I am sorry you had a PTSD episode.

    * Trigger Warning: Alessa, please don’t read, or if you do, feel free to stop reading at any time, and to not reply- for your own sake.. I don’t want to cause you to have a new PTSD episode. Your well-being is more important than.. well, anything.

    I think that I am having PTSD episodes multiple times per hour- the tics, the stress in each tic, holding my breath…

    The term Mothers From Hell comes to mind. Well, I just came up with the term.. MFH.

    You said it brilliantly: “Our mothers went in a different direction – think the shelter dogs who become hyper aggressive.”

    I’ve been reading people stories in these forums for over 10 years. It takes way less than an MFH to traumatize a child.

    I remember details of what you shared in regard to your mother, and indeed we have this in common: at a different time, different continent- we were stuck in a cage with a hyper aggressive.. what to call it.. mother..?

    I will never know what it feels to be a child having a mother.

    Still, not her fault.. I mean, she didn’t choose this.. she was reacting.

    It’s as if she was no longer human. No softness. No warmth.. not during her ATTACKS.

    Vicious, unrestrained attacks.

    Well, almost unrestrained: she was gracious enough to not insult me for the tics, and she indeed didn’t break my bones.. and she felt proud of it.. Just like you said, Alessa: “Perhaps she felt that she was the lesser of evils? Compared to what else was out there?”

    She is still alive, continents and oceans away.. a weak, bent over old woman.. and I still want to go over there and pick her up and comfort her and make her my child, mother her…

    Anita

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