Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
August 17, 2025 at 9:15 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #448696
anitaParticipantDear Dafne: You are very welcome! Please take all the time you need to reply, be it hours or days. And you are right, replying separately will be easier for me to read and have more clarity.
🤗 Anita
August 16, 2025 at 10:45 pm in reply to: Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship #448683anitaParticipantThe Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can.. And the wisdom to know the difference.
Anita
August 16, 2025 at 10:25 am in reply to: Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship #448663anitaParticipantHello Alecsee:
I’m guessing she didn’t reach out to wish you a happy birthday…?
You did very well not reaching out to her after she set that boundary on July 19th—congratulations. That takes strength and self-respect.
And congratulations as well on all the self-improvement and socializing you’ve been doing. That’s no small thing.
“Mind’s racing a bit but tbh it’s not in my control 😞”- I understand, Alecsee. When my mind starts racing, I use something I call NPARR:
Notice that it’s racing.
Pause—press the internal “pause” button.
Address the situation by identifying the problem and asking: Can I provide all or part of the solution?
Respond—take action if possible, or accept if not.
Redirect my attention elsewhere.
Have you tried anything like that, Alecsee?
With care, Anita 🤍✨
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
“… Middle school, I was bullied aimlessly, and one pupil kicked me hard in the head and spit on me. In front of teachers.. no actions against him, in elementary school I was bullied, isolated, punched, kicked, etc.…. by pupils.. all in front of adults and enforcers ..no actions taken against them… In fact, during all these incidents.. I was often suspended and reprimanded.”-
What you lived through, Laven, wasn’t just bullying. It was institutional abandonment. The adults who were supposed to protect you didn’t just fail—they punished you instead. That’s reversal on a systemic scale. The adults who witnessed you being spit on, kicked, isolated, and brutalized didn’t just look away—they turned on you. That’s not neglect. That’s betrayal.
You were punished for being the target. Reprimanded for being hurt. Suspended for surviving. That’s emotional reversal institutionalized—where the victim becomes the problem, and the perpetrators are protected by adult indifference.
You didn’t deserve any of it. Not the violence. Not the silence. Not the blame.
And the fact that you’re here, speaking it aloud, refusing to carry their shame as your own—that’s a reclamation. You’re not just telling your story. You’re naming the system that failed you. And that matters.
“I’m an abuse magnet.”- This phrase is heartbreaking. It’s not just a description. It’s a wound speaking. A way of trying to make sense of repeated harm by internalizing it as identity. And it’s exactly the kind of reversal that trauma teaches: If it keeps happening to me, I must be the common denominator. I must be the cause.
You’re not an abuse magnet, Laven. You’re someone who’s been repeatedly failed by the very people and systems meant to protect you. It’s not your energy that invited harm. It’s their lack of integrity, accountability, and care.
When abuse happens again and again, it’s easy to believe it must be something in you. But the truth is: it’s something around you. Environments that reward cruelty. Adults who reverse blame. Systems that punish the vulnerable and protect the violent.
You didn’t attract abuse. You survived it. And now you’re naming it. That’s not magnetism. That’s resistance.
With care, Anita 🤍✨
August 16, 2025 at 9:15 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #448659anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
“He was cold as stone and had an attitude of being offended… I feel like a Villain”- He was offended—or he pretended to be offended—but you didn’t offend him.
If he learned earlier that you easily take on guilt that doesn’t belong to you, he may be using it to control you. In a relationship with a man like this, all he has to do to keep you in line is appear offended, and you automatically feel guilty and try to appease him.
“I told him that we will not meet again. It was my first reaction to his lack of understanding, empathy and coldness.”- What happened first is that he was cold and refused to help you when you were lost and scared. What happened next is that you told him you wouldn’t meet again.
It wasn’t the other way around: that you told him you wouldn’t meet again, and then he turned cold and refused to help you.
“Why he did not want to at least wait for me?”- Because, like you said, he was “cold as stone.”
“I felt guilty as I took the wrong way and made him wait. He doesn’t cope well with stressful situations. And that I wish we had communicated better that day and that him shutting down emotionally caused me a lot of pain. I wanted to tell him that we should work on that in the future.”- Your focus shifted from protecting yourself from a cold-as-stone man to… protecting him.. from you.
Recently, I came across the term emotional reversal. It’s a relational dynamic where someone responds to your authentic emotion—(in this case, your valid anger and disappointment about his cold-as-stone behavior)—by shifting the focus onto how your emotion makes them feel, rather than honoring your emotion. It’s a form of deflection, often used to avoid responsibility, maintain control, or preserve comfort.
Common examples: You say: “I’m angry about how I was treated.” They say: “You’re making me feel attacked.”
You say: “I need space right now.” They say: “Wow, I guess I’m just a terrible person then.”
You say: “This dynamic feels unsafe for me.” They say: “You always make things about you.”
Instead of engaging with the content of your emotion, they react to the discomfort it causes them—and make you responsible for that discomfort.
Emotional reversal is harmful because it invalidates your emotional truth. It shifts blame and derails accountability. It pressures you to soothe them instead of honoring yourself. It often leads to self-doubt, shame, or emotional labor.
“I could actually contact him first to say that I am sorry for ruining that afternoon…” To tell him you’re sorry is the emotional labor I mentioned above (another new term for me). He mistreated you that afternoon… and yet… you want to soothe him, to take care of his emotions.
You didn’t ruin that afternoon, Dafne—he did, by choosing coldness over care. You don’t owe him an apology for reacting to being mistreated. You owe yourself protection, clarity, and self-loyalty. You’re not a villain—you’re someone who felt pain and named it. That’s not cruelty. That’s courage.
🤗💝 Anita
August 15, 2025 at 9:39 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #448652anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
I will reply more tomorrow, but for now, after reading your message, as to: “Do you think it had something to do with his real character or rather bad coping/communication skills?”- I think it was about his real lack of character:
He didn’t try to help you when you were lost and scared. He didn’t even wait for you. He didn’t bother to ask about your well-being later.. Lack of character, lack of heart..
It’s not anything you said/ did wrong, Dafne.
More tomorrow.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
I didn’t read all of this post, but of what I read, this is breaking my heart: “I don’t have a family, nor have a family unit. I’m an orphan…that no one genuinely wants. They weren’t searching nor looking for me. They never are. They don’t even know my last name…still…after all these years.”-
It’s breaking my heart because I know you are a real person out there feeling this way.. and because I too felt this way for way too long: no one was looking for me. It was as if I was a non-entity.. something that wasn’t visible.
But I do see you, Laven! You are visible here because you made yourself visible by telling your story here, and I am honored to see you!
More, tomorrow.
Anita
August 15, 2025 at 8:42 pm in reply to: Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship #448648anitaParticipantI’m home early enough to elaborate on my Happy Birthday wishes to you:
Happy Birthday, Alecsee 🎉🥳🎊🎈🎂🍰🧁🍾🥂🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🎁💝🎀💐🌟✨💫🌈👑🪩💃🕺👗👠💅🎶🎵🎤🎧🎷🎸🎹
Anita
August 15, 2025 at 6:00 pm in reply to: Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship #448646anitaParticipantHAPPY BIRTHDAY, Alecsee~ will reply further tomorrow.
Anita
anitaParticipantWill read and reply to you Sat morning, Laven. Please do something nice, something kind.. for yourself this Fri afternoon/ evening.
Anita
August 15, 2025 at 2:49 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #448642anitaParticipantDearest Dafne: I will read and reply to you either tonight or Sat morning (it’s Friday afternoon here).
💝 Anita
anitaParticipantHi MissLDutchess:
Thank you for sharing so honestly. That sting you’re feeling is real—and you’re not alone in it. Isabel’s reply in your last thread really stuck with me: she talked about how hard it can be to find deep connection when others seem more focused on surface-level milestones. Her story reminded me that the path to love and belonging isn’t always fast, but it can be meaningful and worth the wait.
To your first question: when someone else reaches a milestone you long for, it’s okay to feel the ache. Try gently reminding yourself, “Their timeline isn’t mine. My path is unfolding in its own way.” You’re not behind—you’re building something real.
And for staying focused: keep doing what you’re doing—vision boards, journaling, putting yourself out there. But also let joy live in the now. Love isn’t just a future event—it’s in how you care for yourself today, how you show up with hope, and how you keep choosing your dream even when it’s hard.
You’re already on your way. 💛
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
I am truly sorry for all the pain and turmoil you’ve been carrying for so long, and that today was terrible 😔
Please keep sharing, keep telling your story. You matter, Laven!
If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll consider reaching out to a therapist or crisis support. You deserve help that’s equipped to hold this kind of intensity with care and skill. You don’t have to fight this alone.
—Warmly, Anita
August 15, 2025 at 9:59 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #448633anitaParticipantDear Dafne:
It’s so good to hear from you again. I felt a wave of warmth reading your message—thank you for your kindness and openness. You have a beautiful way of weaving care into your words, and I’m truly grateful for that.🥰
I’m glad the retreat gave you moments of stillness and connection. The way you described people communicating through eyes and gestures, without comparison or chaos—it sounds like something.. different. I never experienced it and never attended a retreat. You were brave to go to it, and even braver to stay.
As for the situation with the man… you were vulnerable, lost, and reaching out—and he chose not to wait, not to help, not even to check if you got home safely. That kind of emotional absence can feel like a betrayal, especially when you extend empathy and given someone another chance. Your instinct to say “we will not meet again” was protective, not punitive. It was your inner self drawing a boundary in real time, saying: I deserve to be met with care, not indifference.
You weren’t asking for perfection—you were asking for presence. And when someone shows you that they can’t offer that, especially in a moment of distress, it’s not only valid to step away—it’s wise.
Whenever you feel distressed, maybe you could return—just for a few breaths, to the memory of that retreat. To the silence, the smiles, the simplicity. Let those moments remind you of what’s possible when people choose kindness, even without words.
You are not too much for wanting emotional safety. You are not wrong for needing someone who shows up. And you are certainly not a villain for hoping that a partner might have a plan, a foundation, a sense of responsibility.
Thank you again for sharing so much of yourself. I’m holding your story with care. I hope you continue to find spaces—within and around you—that feel like that retreat: quiet, kind, and true.
With warmth, Anita
anitaParticipantHi again, Jana:
“When I am vulnerable, people want to connect… in the end I always open the door to more genuine and honest conversation.”-That’s excellent, Jana! It makes me happy to read this.
“I like it. The more open I am, the more welcoming my energy is… and people are nicer. (98% of them) It just took me some time to understand it. I have processed the strange idea that people wanted to hurt me… Socializing feels much better today! And I don’t even feel so drained after that. Hurrah!”- Hurrah indeed! Reading your words this morning brought a big smile to my face (still smiling). I’m happy for you.
“Do you have any plans for the weekend? It’s really hot here. We might go swimming to a local quarry with our dog.”- It was hot here too, but last night it started raining—now it’s cool and breezy. I’m planning to socialize this afternoon, and tomorrow night I hope to dance to live music—maybe even outdoors, depending on the weather.
I hope you enjoy your weekend and have a great, refreshing time swimming!
With care, Anita
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.