* Dear Roberta:

It’s so nice to see you back on the forums! I truly appreciated your comment about the poem. I’ve missed reading your replies—they’ve always been so straightforward yet full of compassion. I was also wondering how your father is doing. I hope to see you posting more often again.

anita

Dear Substantial:

I see a lot of similarities between your relationship with your mother and my own experiences with mine. As I reread your posts this morning, one particular pattern stood out to me: the guilt that comes with trying to assert independence from a controlling mother.

I noticed this guilt in your February 21 post about breaking up with your girlfriend, where you wrote: “I will hold myself accountable for the hurt I caused her by breaking up, making me feel guilty… I will blame myself for… giving her hopes for a future together, and then taking it all away. I will feel really guilty for breaking her heart and causing her all the pain.”

While I understand your girlfriend is a different person from your mother, I see this guilt as being tied to something bigger—your feelings about “breaking away” from your mother. Do you think the guilt you feel about asserting independence from your mother has extended into other areas of your life, such as your guilt over breaking up with your girlfriend?

You asked me if I’ve found ways to navigate this dynamic or heal from it. For me, the guilt of separating myself from my mother has been overwhelming. It’s caused me decades of emotional pain. For years, I felt trapped in what I can only describe as a mental prison of guilt.

My mother was generally a weak and submissive person. I wanted to be strong for her, to help her become stronger, and I tried my best to do so. Hurting her feelings was the last thing I wanted. But over time, I realized something important: she did become “strong” in her relationship with me—but it came at my expense. She became strong by making me weak.

When she guilt-tripped me repeatedly, telling me that even small acts of asserting independence were hurtful to her, it left a deep emotional scar. Her words made me feel as though wanting to live my own life or make my own choices was selfish and wrong. Over time, this guilt wore me down because it attacked my core desire to be a good daughter and a good person.

When I read your descriptions of your mother, I see similarities. You mentioned how she’s been weak in her relationship with your father: “I have seen my mother cry a countless number of times and always felt helpless.” You also shared how you tried to make her stronger by encouraging her to leave or live separately for her own peace, but she never did. You wrote: “I have tried to convince my mom several times to consider divorce or just living separately for some peace, but she never did, afraid of what society might think.”

It seems that while your mother feels powerless in her relationship with your father and society, she expresses “strength” in her relationship with you, often in a controlling or manipulative way. You described how she handles your boundaries: “She can’t take my NO for an answer and would passively force me into things… She creates drama and breaks out emotionally as if I insulted or hurt her by saying things like, ‘Of course, you are never there for your mother.’… All my ‘no’s’ turn into a horrid situation where she starts telling me I don’t love or value her.”

This dynamic is unfortunately common. A parent who feels powerless in other adult relationships may assert control over a child because it’s easier. It’s harmful because it exploits the child’s natural love and trust, creating a cycle of guilt, confusion, and emotional dependency. If you’re interested, there’s research on this dynamic, and I’d be happy to discuss it further with you.

To answer your earlier question—if I’ve found ways to deal with the guilt or conflict—I’ll be honest: I wasn’t able to maintain a relationship with my mother without it being at my expense. No matter how hard I tried to create a healthier dynamic, it didn’t work. For me, and I’m not suggesting this is what you should do, I eventually ended all contact with her later in life. It was extremely difficult, and I carried guilt about it for years. Looking back, I wish I’d done it earlier and had more support in making that decision because society, especially in traditional contexts, often frowns on cutting ties with a parent.

That said, here’s my advice for you at this point:

* Recognize That Guilt Isn’t Always Valid: Wanting to make your own choices doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad son.

* Set Boundaries in Small Steps: Start with small “no’s” and calmly explain your reasons. Be consistent. While your mother might react emotionally at first, over time, she might adjust to the idea that you’re standing firm.

* Find Support Outside the Family: Lean on friends, mentors, or a therapist who can help you process your feelings and provide guidance.

* Create Independence Where You Can: If moving out isn’t an option, focus on building emotional and physical independence while living at home. Pursue hobbies, relationships, or goals that are meaningful to you.

* Redefine What It Means to Be a Good Son: Being a good son doesn’t mean sacrificing your happiness or always saying yes. It means living authentically and treating yourself and others with respect.

* Consider Therapy for Deeper Healing: Therapy can help you work through the guilt and anxiety, navigate your relationship with your mother, and build confidence in setting boundaries.

* Understand Her Behavior Isn’t About You: Your mother’s actions likely reflect her own unresolved issues, not something you’ve done wrong. Understanding this might help you separate her emotions from your own.

This process takes time, so be patient with yourself. You deserve to make decisions that are right for you and to live a fulfilling, independent life. It doesn’t mean you love or respect your mother any less—it just means you’re taking care of yourself too.

You’ve already shown so much strength in dealing with these challenges. I hope you find a way forward that brings you peace. You’re not alone in this.

anita

Dear Arie: I will read and reply tomorrow morning.
Anita

Dear Jana:

I am using my phone and therefore will keep it short. No, Jana, you are not wrong. It’s just that I didn’t know that you were scared of me. It didn’t cross my mind that anyone may be scared of me.

But now I know because tou told me. And I know that there must be other members in the forums past or present, who feel or felt like you do.

So no, it is not only you, Jana.

One of my challenges in life has been not knowing how I come across. Without feedback, I couldn’t know. So, thank you for your honest feedback.

You wrote that you don’t know if I feel that you are a friend or someone who needs to be fixed. Clearly, I am now aware, sadly, it was the latter. I regret this attitude toward you and toward others who felt like you but didn’t tell me.

I intend to internalize what you are teaching me and change further my approach to members in the forums: see people as people and not as projects to fix. I am feeling embarrassed right now about the arrogance on my part, to think that I am or could be a fixer of people 😔

You are a friend, Jana, my friend because you gave me this very valuable, honest feedback, such that is leading me to be a healthier person. How can I possibly not be grateful..?

This is turning out to be a long message, and by far, the longest message I ever typed into a phone.

You are courageous. Jana, for expressing yourself and asserting yourself with a person you were scared of. I admire you for your courage in voicing what others who felt like you were too scared to voice

Of course, I will be honored to be friends with you, and I am smiling right now at the thought that one day you will not at all be scared of me.

I hope that you will stay here in the forums. I would like you to post every day. But this is just my wish. I want you to do what suits you.

Closing this post with a smile 😃

Anita

Dear Zenith:

I’m so glad to read that you’ve made progress since 2023 with your therapist’s support. Moving out of survival mode and into a better place— despite some lingering challenges— is a truly meaningful step forward. You’ve been through so much, and it takes incredible strength and resilience to continue working on your well-being.

I understand how overwhelming it can feel when IBS seems to take over your life, especially during flare-ups that add to the emotional toll. It’s inspiring that you’re cooking at home and managing a mostly low-FODMAP diet, even while balancing your love for garlic and onions in your Indian curries. That’s no small feat, and it shows your commitment to your health and your passion for cooking.

As for my IBS journey, the first significant improvement came around 14 years ago when I visited a gastroenterologist— a doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating digestive system disorders. He suggested I take probiotics, and I noticed an almost immediate improvement in bloating.

A longer-term improvement came when I stopped using laxatives altogether. Over time, the muscles in my intestines, which had been weakened from chronic laxative use (often called “lazy colon”), slowly regained some of their strength.

I also found progress by bringing more balance to my diet. For example, I used to overconsume certain foods like cauliflower and cabbage, believing they’d help my digestion. While cabbage contains insoluble fiber that can aid digestion, too much of it caused more harm than good, leading to diarrhea or even digestive blockages. I learned that moderation is key, even with healthy foods like red or purple cabbage.

Also, I became aware of how easily I would get alarmed by even normal sensations in my intestines. With time, I learned to stay calm and avoid misinterpreting these sensations as harmful.

This reaction— becoming scared or distressed by gut sensations— is often connected to interoceptive fear or gastrointestinal-specific anxiety. Interoceptive fear involves being hyper-aware of bodily sensations, such as a racing heart or intestinal discomfort, and interpreting them as signs of danger or illness, even when they’re normal. This fear can create a cycle where anxiety worsens gut symptoms, and the gut symptoms, in turn, heighten anxiety.

Understanding this cycle made a big difference for me. Through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), I learned to reframe my perceptions of these sensations and to respond with greater calm and acceptance, breaking the anxiety loop.

In Conclusion Thank you for inviting me to share my experiences— it means a lot to be able to connect with you on this. Please know that you’re not alone in this journey. The progress you’ve already made is such a testament to your strength, and even when setbacks happen, they don’t erase how far you’ve come. Be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges, and know that healing is a process, often with ups and downs.

Whenever you want to share more or simply talk about how you’re feeling, I’m here to listen and support you. Sending you warmth and encouragement!

anita