Dear Milda:

“Deep down I feel the worst daughter, because I decided to step away from parents and do not communicate with them/visit them for a while… I would really appreciate your thoughts on that feeling. How can I navigate through it in a healthy way. This is a very complicated state of mind, state of being actually.”-

A child needs the parent’s approval, and when the parent is repeatedly rejecting, shaming and/ or guilt-tripping the child, that natural need for approval becomes a desperate need. It takes center stage and everything else is put off for another time in the future when approval is finally given. This has been my experience. I put my life on hold for decades, waiting for my mother’s approval, not even knowing that I was still waiting and waiting.

I am no longer waiting for her approval.. and (it feels miraculous), she is no longer center stage in my life, I am. Finally!

To reclaim center stage in your life, go back and take the hand of Milda-the-child who is still stuck waiting for that approval and bring her home. Give her a safe place in your heart, to be and to become more and more of who she already is.

“Throw away old dictionary and start a new one about what is a good daughter, a bad one, what is a good mother, a bad one. This will be my homework. I think this exercise would help me in a road of unconditional love to myself.”- I would love to read your homework if you share it, when you do.

“My interpretations and gut feeling was silenced by me, silenced by scared, small me, because I had to survive and listening to those interpretations would not help me survive, so I silenced them. The bloody work now is to give a voice for those interpretations, they still scare me a lot, I still do not know what to do with them..”-

I think that it’s the child’s desperate need for the parent’s approval that puts off everything for a later time, including one own thinking, interpreting and feeling.

You know that as an adult, if you are practically able to survive without your parents, their approval is not necessary. It’s just that the child within you doesn’t know it yet..?

🌿 🤍 Anita

Dear Going Through Life: I will read and reply at the end of the day, take care!

Dear Going Through Life:

“I did accept SS for who she is”- I wonder if she felt accepted for who she is..?

If she didn’t accept herself for who she is (and I have no idea if she did or not), then she couldn’t receive your acceptance of her, at least not easily. What do you think?

“the fear of being alone.”- I would like to know more about what this fear means to you: when it started, how it feels, and how it affects your choices in life, if you feel comfortable enough to share, to the extent you feel comfortable 🕊️.

Strange perhaps, as I think of my fear of being alone when I was your age, I think that I was more afraid to be with people (for too long) than I was afraid of being alone. Alone felt safer.

I will be away from the computer in a couple of hours for the rest of the day, but I am looking forward to your reply and to our continued conversation.

🌿🤍 Anita

Dear Jana:

You asked how I’m doing, well- I am doing well just for reading your message to me 3.5 hours ago. It brought the first smile of the day to my face, and I’m still smiling 😊.

Thank you for your kindness and for noticing and focusing on the positives. I am so glad you are here in the forums- you have a lot of good thing to offer others.

🌿🤍 Anita

Dear Going Through Life:

I am glad you have no health concerns beyond being a bit overweight. A.. bit of weight loss should solve that problem.

“The only validation I mostly seek is by being in a relationship with someone, meaning that they accept me for who I am.”- and you accept her (SS) for who she is..?

The two of you accepting each other for who you are- while aiming at becoming your best (imperfect) selves..?

“It also stems from my fear of being alone.”- nothing like the fear of being alone. We are social animals (humans). We Need Togetherness by nature.

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Q:

“Recently, I noticed my brain throwing a tantrum ‘why does it have to end this way? life isn’t fair.’ and I don’t know what to do / say lol.”-

Oh.. indeed, life is not fair, way too often. That’s a given.

My question is- how, in my personal life, do I make it fair, best I can?

.. How can you, Q, in your personal life, can make it fair, best you can..?

“From what I understand, she isn’t fully closing the door but isn’t very hopeful about it either.”- what did she say that’s new to you? What in her perspective, her POV, deserves your attention and consideration?

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

“Parents are projecting on me their decision about when I am a good daughter, when I am a bad one, which behavior is acceptable and approved, which is not.”-

It’s time that you decide what it means to be a good daughter and what it means to be a bad one.

My mother’s idea of a good daughter was one who doesn’t exist beyond her wishes, her dreams, her needs; one who doesn’t exist but as a extension of her. She didn’t see or hear or feel me. She only saw and heard and felt herself.

Self erasure is a high price to pay for being a “good daughter”, isn’t it?

And isn’t it a bad mother who demands such a price?

I suppose what I am suggesting is that you redefine a “good daughter” and a “good mother” vs “bad mother”.

“I have to start gaining self esteem from other sources instead of caring, comforting, enabling and fixing. How does a person gain that through healthy behaviors?”-

I think redefining things is a good start.. to throw away the old dictionary and start a new one. I mean there are plenty of advice out there in regard to how to gain self-esteem, books are written on it, I am sure, as well as online videos that you can access.

Thing is, for as long as the core belief within me was “I am a bad daughter”.. I couldn’t or wouldn’t love myself because.. it doesn’t feel right to love a bad person… does it, Milda?

🌿 🤍 Anita