Dear Milda:

I will soon be away from the computer for the rest of this Friday and I’m expecting a very busy weekend away from the computer. I wanted to add to my previous post that I know- from my own in-real-life experience with my mother- how difficult it is to separate oneself from a dominating or domineering (through a pattern of shaming and guilt-tripping) mother.

Separating from my mother, redefining the definitions she drilled into me (including that of “a good mother” and “a good daughter”) took forever for me, but it can take way less time for you, and I hope it does.

My story with my mother is not identical to your story with your mother. Our mothers are not identical, and we daughters, aren’t either. This is why it’s very important that your thoughts and understanding about your story are heard above anyone else’s interpretation. Your story= your interpretation.

I am here to help you best I can- not as someone who knows better- but as a fellow traveler in the same journey: reclaiming my individual, independent voice.

You wrote 24 hours ago: “I want what’s best, most peaceful for me.”- I like it very much that you want what’s best, what’s most peaceful for you.

What has proven best and most peaceful for me is to reclaim my own voice, to interpret my own story and to no longer doubt my own interpretation 🙂

🌿 🤍 Anita

I’ll be back to you, Milda, Fri morning (Thurs night here)

Dear Jana:

Thank you for the quotes 🙏

“Beginning Anew… is a practice of recognition and appreciation of the positive elements within ourselves and the other person.”- to me, this sentence stands out the most. This is what I need to do more of, every day.

“We look deeply to see the positive qualities in the other person and express our appreciation for them. Share at least three
positive qualities that you have observed in them and things for which you feel grateful. Be as concrete as possible….This is an opportunity to shine light on the other’s strengths and contributions and to encourage the growth of his or her positive qualities.”-

Jana, I observed that 1. You are honest and trustworthy, 2. You are humble, 3. You value and promote calm, peace and respect.

“EXPRESSING REGRETS- We may mention any unskillfulness in our actions, speech, or thoughts that we have not yet had an opportunity to apologize for.”-

I was unskillful in my actions, speech and thoughts so many, many.. many, many times in my life, I wouldn’t know where to start. In regard to being unskillful in my thoughts, the most unskillful element has been that once I saw a negative quality in another person (real or imagined negative), I became blind to the person’s positive qualities, and focused on the perceived negative or negatives, leading to a distorted image of the person. This is why the sentence (quote) I started this post with stood out for me.

In regard to unskillful speech- words I said to people irl, and words I typed out here in the forums- I regret all. I cannot go back in time and unsay things, or resay things, but I can and am holding myself accountable for my speech today and every day. While understanding perfection is impossible for anyone, I am more capable now than ever to speak skillfully.

I apologize for my unskillful speech in my communication with you, Jana, and I apologize to anyone and everyone who may be reading this in regard to my past unskillful speech.

“PEACE TREATY… I, the one who is angry, agree to: 1 Refrain from saying or doing anything that might cause further damage or escalate the anger.”- this sentence stands out the most in your 2nd post, Jana.

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

There’s something I thought above before getting to the computer this very early Thurs morning (here). It’s about what you wrote yesterday: “old me was comforting and enabling her, fixing for her, caring for her.”-

I was thinking that your self-esteem may be tied to this role of comforting- enabling- fixing- caring (CEFC, if you will 🙂). This may be a rope in the elephant story we talked about. If you end this role, this source of self-esteem will be gone.

I know how frustrating, exhausting this role has been for you, a source of great suffering. Still, the times- however temporary- when she seemed comforted or fixed- those were rewarding experiences for you, and we people are motivated to do what it takes to be rewarded.

And now, to your most recent post: thank you for your empathy!

“I want to write simply, clearly and free myself. I never acted as an adult with them. I was always acting out of the compulsive, automatic, childhood programs. I want a change in this at least.”-

Here’s a potential trap: elevating the CEFC role from the compulsive, automatic level to the adult level, with the idea that at the adult level, you’ll be more successful at CEFC.

“I want to write simply, clearly and free myself.”-

At a very young age, when you were a young child- before the shaming and guilt-tripping- you naturally reached out to your parents simply, clearly and freely. You were simply, clearly, as all young children do (pre-trauma). How did they react?

I agree with Tee that “it wouldn’t be the best idea to write them an honest letter, baring your soul, expressing your vulnerability, because it may be used against you, and may cause you even more pain.” (Tee’s words, I am quoting this sentence because it’s perfect).

As a young child, you naturally bared your soul and expressed your vulnerability, and they used it against you.. didn’t they? Better you don’t expose the child-within you to the same at this time.

If you would like to, you can write these letters here, in your thread, because here, you are way, way safer, emotionally than you are with your parents.

I am looking forward to reading your thoughts, and I respect your choices on the matter, whatever they may be.

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Emma:

Your last words to me, 7 days ago: “And I am so touched, that you keep on helping me too! I know I’ve been a bit absent lately.”-

I don’t think I’ve been helping you, Emma. I wish I did. Not your fault.

There were times no one was able to help me. My thoughts were louder than anyone’s words. My shame was too loud, my guilt like an ongoing earthquake in my psyche. The self-doubt.. excruciating. The regret.. unforgiving.

I don’t want to lose connection with you, Emma.

Groetjes, 🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

First thing, it is your choice whether you take a break from your mother or not. Absolutely your choice.

Second, I so relate to your story! For me, “mother=guilt” can easily be the title of my story.

Third, I will share more of my story with you in regard to this prediction you made less than 5 hours ago: “she will fight to get the old me back, because old me was comforting and enabling her, fixing for her, caring for her.”

I was so sure that once I cut contact with my mother she would fight for me, that is, she would fight to get me back! I was absolutely sure! I thought she couldn’t live without me in her life.

I cut contact, got a birthday card from her six months later, and then… NOTHING. 12 years of nothing. No fighting to get me back, not even a tiny battle.

What I realized was that for so long, I couldn’t live without her. I believed I couldn’t, so I projected this belief-feeling into her- thinking she couldn’t live without me.

It was just a projection, and an inaccurate one.

My story is that of unrequited love. I loved her. She didn’t love me back.

I am not angry about it anymore. She simply didn’t have the capacity, had a very traumatic childhood and a very difficult life.

But Truth remains: unrequited love.

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear me:

It’s a good thing you’ll see your buddy, that the trip won’t be just about spending time with her. It’d be less scary this way, meaning if things don’t work out with her, you’d have him to talk with, as a friend. Right?

🤍🌿 Anita