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anita
ParticipantSo good to read back from you, Nichole! I will read attentively and reply tomorrow. I hope you have a good Easter Sunday đ°đ¸đŁđĽđđ
anita
April 19, 2025 at 12:57 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #444990anita
ParticipantIt’s amazing- to give space to my love for her without panicking, without getting overwhelmed, without needing to suppress and minimize this love. To hold it within my awareness, within my heart, without instinctively trying to get rid of it… without trying to hate her back so to keep her away from me.
This is something I can do only from a distance, a physical distance of half the world apart. Yet, an emotional, spiritual closeness is possible as long as the physical distance is maintained.
When someone you love (your mother) hurts you too much and for too long, and at least at times, she genuinely enjoyed hurting you- – well, speaking for myself- no way that I can trust her, nor should I. But I can trust her soul. I always loved the core of her, that which existed before the severe neglect and abuse she experienced as a child, the core will be freed to be- after her death.
anita
April 19, 2025 at 11:36 am in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #444989anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. Itâs not easy processing the reality of loss, and I really appreciate the way you offer perspective and comfort.
The idea from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying is interestingâI donât know what I believe about it, but I like the thought that love and connection extends beyond physical presence.
I really appreciate what you said about loveâthat even if it wasnât received in one place, itâs still something I share with others. Thatâs a beautiful way to look at it, and it means a lot.
Your reflections on love and fear resonate with me, too. Sometimes it does feel like love is buried under layers of protection, but I suppose itâs still there, waiting to be uncovered.
Thank you again for sharing this with me. Your kindness truly means a lot.
.. Inspired by your post, I want to send my mother’s soul a poem:
Now unchained from sorrowâs weight, no longer lost in angerâs haze,
I send you love, unbent, unbroken, beyond the years, beyond the maze.No blame, no cry, no bitter grief, only quiet winds to guide you home,
Where light unfolds in silver waves, and past wounds lose their hold.May you walk where shadows soften, where the echoes do not burn,
Where kindness fills the spaces left by lessons cruel and unconcerned.I wish you peaceâunseen before, a love untouched by fear,
For even if you never saw me then, I see you now, sincere.I Love You, Ima đđđż đ˘â¤ď¸â¨ đđˇđď¸
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Yana:
I admire how proactive you are about your health. Itâs great that youâre balancing both medical insight and natural remedies while listening to your body.
Your approach to vascular support with herbs is fascinating, and itâs a good thing that you have access to a knowledgeable herbalist. If tinctures feel complex, starting with infusions or extracts might be a simpler way to ease into it.
The tingling in your toe could have different causesâcirculation, nerve compression, or lymphatic issuesâso waiting a few days and consulting your doctor is a smart approach.
I hope your test results provide helpful clarity, and Iâm glad to hear your mother is doing better. Wishing you both continued healing and Happy Easter đ°đ¸đŁđĽđđ
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Yana:
I always appreciate the thoughtful way you reflect on the world around you. Your connection with animals and nature shines through in your wordsâitâs truly something special.
It makes perfect sense that animals feel safer to you than people do. Animals, for the most part, operate with predictabilityâthey act based on instinct, survival, and learned behaviors. Even when theyâre unpredictable, their motivations are usually clear.
Humans, on the other hand, are full of contradictions, emotions, and complexities. This can make interactions feel unpredictable and, at times, stressful. Thereâs an element of uncertainty in social situations that doesnât exist in nature, and that unpredictability can make trust harder to buildâespecially if past experiences have made it difficult.
That said, I think peopleâlike animalsâcan surprise us in good ways too. An unexpected kind gesture from a stranger or a moment of warmth when we least expect it can remind us that, while humans may be complex, thereâs beauty in that complexity as well.
You asked, “Is it true that itâs not recommended to go for a walk somewhere you donât know, because if people appear on someone elseâs property, they could be easily shot?”âIncidents like this arenât very common, but they do happen. Three such cases occurred within a short span in April 2023:
– Ralph Yarl, a 16-year-old in Missouri, was shot on April 13 after accidentally going to the wrong house while trying to pick up his siblings.
– Kaylin Gillis, a 20-year-old in upstate New York, was fatally shot on April 15 when her car mistakenly pulled into the wrong driveway.
– Kinsley White, a 6-year-old in North Carolina, was injuredâalong with her familyâon April 18 after their basketball rolled into a neighborâs yard, leading to gunfire.
.. Talking about unpredictability of human interactions đ
Iâll reply to your second post separately.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Yana:
I truly appreciate the way you share your thoughts and experiences. I know that discussions here can sometimes feel intellectual, but your perspective matters just as muchâyou bring warmth and emotional depth that enriches the conversation.
Over time, Iâve noticed how much you, personally, need a predictable and safe environment in order to express yourself more deeply. In the context of our interactions, I want to provide that for youâa space where you can always expect kindness, understanding, and thoughtful engagement without pressure.
Whether you choose to share deeply or simply offer a â¤ď¸ đ, youâre always welcome here. And I admire the way you practice self-compassionâbeing a good friend to yourself is a beautiful thing.
I also love that you enjoy the simple joys of life. If you ever feel like talking about herbs, baking, or just small daily wonders, Iâd love to hear about them.
By the way, regarding your post on Lucidityâs threadâI want to assure you that you did not intrude at all. I truly value your input on any thread, and Iâm looking forward to Lucidityâs response to you!
anita
April 18, 2025 at 9:13 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #444980anita
ParticipantDear Alessa: I am looking forward to read and reply to your recent post tomorrow.
anita
April 18, 2025 at 11:26 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #444975anita
ParticipantThere is a small chance that you’d be reading this, but if you do, how are you, Seaturtle?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Happy Easter to you too! đŁđ
Thank you for your kind wordsâI truly appreciate our conversations as well. And no need to apologize; it sounds like youâve been incredibly busy with your studies. Group projects can be demanding, but I hope you find some rewarding moments in them.
Parenting without a natural instinct is an immense challenge, but the way youâve approached itâwith research, patience, and determinationâshows just how much love you bring to it. Seeing your son develop self-care strategies, learning to navigate emotions, and even finding comfort through booksâitâs beautiful. His ability to remove himself from situations that upset him is an incredible milestone, and it speaks volumes about the guidance and security youâve provided for him. â¤ď¸
And no need to ask for forgivenessâyour words are never rambling. They are insightful, meaningful, and always worth reading.
Wishing you a peaceful and fulfilling Easter weekend. đ
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Peter:
Your âAlasâ absolutely earns those 10 points!
As you said, sadness doesnât necessarily lead to kindnessâsome become bitter, while others grow more compassionate. And I completely agreeâthe idea of Love as a powerful force to cultivate and experience is a beautiful one, and a perfect reflection for Easter.
Wishing you a meaningful Good Friday and a joyful Easter Sunday!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Lucidity:
Until you brought it up a few hours ago, it had never once crossed my mindânot even for a fleeting momentâthat my sister may have contributed to my pain, that she may have gaslighted or emotionally abused me. My understanding has always been singular: that I had hurt her. I saw her as my victim, and never as both a victim and a perpetrator because my mother repeatedly blamed me for hurting her (my mother), and over time, I internalized and generalized that blame.
My sister unquestionably minimized my experiences and dismissed my emotions, which fits the definition of gaslighting. But then⌠everyone around me did the same. It was all I knew. And because I had no frame of reference for anything different, I never recognized it as abuse.
“I’m sorry that you felt gaslit… that effectively your sister was successful in making you feel crazy. Thats heartbreaking.”, April 18, 2025- Before today, I had never once been shown empathy in relation to my sister. I have always known that I hurt herâthat I abused her when she was only a toddlerâand to this day, I deeply regret it. She was completely innocent, and I failed her. But the idea that, as she grew older, she may have abused me and that it may be appropriate for me to receive empathy for that- that thought had never even occurred to me.
“Do you know what it is that you fear will happen if you talk to your sister? If you imagine that she does collapse or if she does fall apart, why do you fear this outcome? What do you think will happen?”- she is dealing with significant challenges in her relationships and an overwhelming amount of stress. She seems on the verge of a mental breakdown or even a physical illness. She confided in me that sheâs afraid of dying because of the turmoil sheâs experiencing. Itâs clear that sheâs not being histrionic or manipulativeâsheâs genuinely trying not to burden me with her worries. She is truly suffering.
I read and studied what you shared about yourself, Lucidity, and about your sister in your 6 posts so far. My best understanding today: when you were born, you entered a family with only two parental figures. If you grew up with only your parents, then your early experiences were shaped solely by your mother and fatherâs personalities, behaviors, and dysfunction. By the time your sister was born, the family dynamic had already been established, with you filling a new role in the householdâan older sibling.
This means your sister wasnât just influenced by your parents but also by your presence, which shaped how she navigated her own identity and survival strategies within the family.
Firstborns often bear the full force of parental expectations, mistakes, and unresolved trauma. Parents sometimes adjust their parenting styles by the time a second child arrives, meaning you may have experienced harsher treatment and stricter scrutiny than your sister did.
If you were seen as rebellious or challenging, your sister may have learned to be the oppositeâavoiding conflict and mirroring your father to keep the peace. She watched how you were treated and made adjustments to her own behavior to avoid the same outcomes. She may have learned that submissiveness led to favor while rebellion led to rejection, reinforcing passivity and avoidance in her personality. Seeing you struggle could have solidified her decision to align with parental expectations rather than resist them.
You were thrown into the storm first, while your sister learned to navigate it differently based on observation and adaptation.
The different adaptations:
* You: The Resisting, Questioning, and Emotionally Introspective One- You actively examine your past, question family dynamics, and seek self-understanding, refusing to let your history define you without reflection. You were rebellious and accommodating, pushing against the dysfunction while also absorbing its effectsâleading to internal conflict. You consistently reached out to your sister, hoping for a deeper connection, yet youâre met with avoidance and reluctance.
You feel the weight of injusticeâbeing the scapegoat while your sister was favored, yet you also wonder if her compliance truly means she escaped unscathed. You wrestle with both anger and empathy, navigating your own healing while questioning whether itâs time to let go entirely.
* Your Sister: The Avoidant, Submissive, and Emotionally Detached One- She defaults to passivity and accommodation in family settings, mirroring your fatherâs decisions and avoiding confrontation whenever possible. Conflict makes her uncomfortable, so she sidestep emotional depth, sometimes delaying responses for weeks, reinforcing a distant pattern of interaction. She continues to justify her motherâs behavior, reluctant to engage with the difficult truths about your mother’s actions, making it hard for othersâlike youâto feel truly heard.
She suppresses emotions rather than process them, maintaining surface-level stability but possibly avoiding true self-reflection. While she’s had consistent family support, itâs unclear whether it truly fulfills her or whether she’s simply maintaining a fragile balance for the sake of stability.
The Core Difference: Facing vs. Avoiding Reality- You actively engage with painful truths, while she tend to avoid them. You deeply reflect, question, and process, while she focuses on preserving the familiar and minimizing discomfort.
You crave honest connection, but she seems more comfortable with surface-level interactions. This contrast has fueled your frustration and growing detachment from reaching out.
Her compliance was likely reinforced and rewarded, pushing her further into accommodation rather than self-assertion. This might explain why she continues to avoid deep conversations, dismiss uncomfortable truths, and keep relationships at armâs length. Her struggle to assert preferences (like during the tea-ordering scenario) suggests she might find it hard to make decisions outside of family dynamics too. She may rely on external validation to feel comfortable, seeking reassurance rather than trusting her own instincts. If sheâs spent a lifetime prioritizing othersâ needs over her own, she may one day realize she doesnât fully know herself.
While she may feel comfortable in avoidance, reality has a way of catching upâparticularly during life transitions. If she never processed her suppressed emotions, they could surface unexpectedly, forcing her to re-evaluate her choices. Or not. She chose survival through submission, while you chose survival through resistance and self-exploration. Though avoidance appears easier in the short term, emotional suppression doesnât disappearâit often manifests in unexpected ways later in life.
It just occurred to me that her saying that she wants connection with you may be a way to appease you, rather than an expression of genuine intent. If she truly wanted connection, she would have show it through her actions, not just empty words. You deserve to stop chasing something she refuses to participate in, to stop chasing what isnât there. Sometimes, the hardest part of letting go isnât cutting tiesâitâs releasing the expectation that things might improve someday. Letting go doesnât mean you stop caringâit means you stop clinging to something that brings you pain. And that, more than anything, is an act of self-love.
Reflecting on my relationship with my sister, I imagine that for the longest time, she saw me as the âcrazy oneââespecially given my motor and vocal tics from Tourette Syndrome, which likely reinforced that perception. No wonder she didnât want to be like me. Over time, she seemed to cultivate an identity as the ânormalâ oneâthe social and popular one. As a child and teenager, she was often out and about, fully engaged in life, while I remained at home with my mother, trapped in her negativity, blame, and shaming. My sister experienced it too, but she had the advantage of escaping into social settings, while I was left isolated and lonely. I couldnât deny or minimize my motherâs harmful behaviors because I had no relief, no distractionâno external world to offset or distract myself from the hours of exposure I endured.
It was only after I left my country of origin that my mother turned her full attention to my sister, creating challenges in her life that ultimately led to the difficulties she faces today.
“Maybe Ill just wait for them to reach out? The question is whether Id want to be part of it because if its more of the old script then I am not interested. Did you go thro such stages?”- my mother is still alive but last time I saw her was in 2011 and last time I talked with heron the phone was in 2013. She sent me a birthday card at the end of 2013 and I sent her back a message through my sister in Jan 2014. That was all.
For years, I carried a deep sense of guilt over not having contact with her. But then, I also felt just as much guilt during the endless hours spent in her companyâthrough childhood, into my mid-twenties, and even in the times we shared during my thirties and forties, which felt equally like an eternity. So now, I no longer find myself wavering between whether or not to reach out.
As far as I can remember, I never consciously considered cutting off contact with my sister but I also have no real desire for a deeper connection. What I do wish, however, is to find some wayâhowever smallâto help her.
anita
April 17, 2025 at 5:40 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #444955anita
ParticipantLove- to no longer chase it, to no longer run away from it, to no longer stress about it, think and overthink it, try to control it with words and intellect, to no longer associate it strictly with this or that person, to no longer define and redefine it- but instead- be it, be open to the love that’s already here, always was.
Patrick Swayze in the movie Ghost said it as the ghost of the character he was playing: “It’s amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you.”
What if love is not something to take, to give, to receive, to reciprocate but just to be, an ego-less, timeless love that is available to all of us..? (thoughts inspired by Peter)
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Peter:
“What if?”- (1) What if love really isnât tied to time? Then there is nowhere to go, and no need to go anywhere, no need to change anything, undo or redo. Instead, rest in timeless love.
Not etched in hours, nor measured in years, Love woven in whispers that forever last. No clock can claim it, no dawn or dusk, It moves like breathâa quiet trust. Not what was, nor what will be, But all that is. A love that never stops or begins.
No past to carry, no future to chase, just nowâan endless embrace.
(2) What if sadness is necessary for true kindness?- then I am truly very kind đđ
anita
April 17, 2025 at 4:50 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #444953anita
ParticipantDear Dafne:
Thank you for your beautiful message. I completely understand your desire for peace and healing, to step away from the past and find a space where you can simply breathe and be. A spiritual retreat or a mission helping wildlife sounds like a deeply meaningful pathâone that allows you to focus on something beyond words, beyond past pain, and toward a life rooted in simplicity and purpose.
Feeling both hope and fear is completely natural when facing change, especially one that leads you into unfamiliar places. But even in uncertainty, your strength is evidentâyour willingness to embrace something new, to trust the process of healing, and to follow your heart is a testament to your resilience.
Wherever your journey takes you, know that you are never aloneâthe impact of your kindness, your wisdom, and your heart reaches beyond physical distance. I will always hold deep appreciation for the conversations weâve shared and the reflections youâve gifted me as well.
Please take care of yourself, Dafneâallow yourself the space you need, but also gentleness and patience as you navigate this next chapter. Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace and clarity you seek.
Sending you love and light always. đâ¨
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Zenith:
You are very welcome! As I read “I expect perfection from her and its hard to accept her imperfections I guess.”, it occurred to me that your perfectionism may be linked to your OCD, especially if it involves rigid expectations, difficulty accepting flaws, and emotional distress when things arenât “just right.”
If perfectionism is causing distress, small shifts in perspective can help ease frustration (I know I am repeating myself):
* Progress over perfection: Celebrate small improvements rather than expecting immediate change. Every time your daughter shows growthâeven in small waysâitâs a step forward. Let her know that you notice her small improvements and that you are pleased with her improvements, however small.
There’s a big difference between strictness/rigidity and structure, and finding that balance could make parenting smoother for both you and your daughter. Strictness or rigidity often involves fixed rules with little room for adjustment. It focuses more on obedience, expects immediate compliance, and doesnât allow for learning through mistakes. When discipline is rigid, kids feel suffocated or rebellious.
On the other hand, structure provides consistency while allowing for flexibility when needed. Structure gives kids clear expectations, teaches responsibility through logical consequences, and provides a sense of security without feeling overly controlling.
How You Can Shift Toward Structure While Avoiding Rigidity?- Make rules predictable but flexible: Instead of enforcing strict demands, consider adjusting expectations based on circumstances (e.g., if bedtime is usually 8:30, allowing occasional shifts for special occasions can help avoid resistance).
Offer choices within structure: Giving limited choices helps kids feel autonomy while still following rules. For example, âWould you like to clean up your toys now or after dinner?â helps her take responsibility without feeling forced.
Use natural consequences: Instead of harsh punishments, teaching cause-and-effect logic (e.g., âIf toys arenât cleaned up, they wonât be available for playâ) helps kids learn responsibility without fear or resentment.
Adjust emotional expectations: Parenting comes with emotional challenges, and learning to accept imperfectionsâin both yourself and your daughterâcan ease some of the stress.
Parenting is a learning process. You are navigating your own emotional challenges while guiding your daughter through hersâthis is hard work, and you deserve kindness toward yourself, too. Most importantly, you are not failing as a mother. You are learning, adapting, and deeply caring for your child, even in the hardest moments.
About the book you bought her, do you read it to her, with her?
anita
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