Good morning (it’s morning here):

You are very welcome, Confused (soon to be Clear, I hope 🙂), and thank you for the empathy for me. From all that you expressed, it is clear to me that you are an honest, caring, empathetic person. Even though you lost some of your feelings for her, you still have empathy for her and you care about her well-being.

For example, you wrote earlier: “She instantly flipped to a colder version of her, withdrawing possibly because of being overwhelmed…”- you did not dismiss her reaction — you were trying to understand it. That’s empathy.

Another example: “I don’t think I have the energy of pursuing her anymore… I need her to show up or just be done with it.”- This isn’t coldness — it’s you trying not to drag her into a dynamic where you’re exhausted and resentful. That’s actually a form of care.

And another, in your most recent post: “I don’t wanna hurt her feelings.”

The biggest indicator that you care about her well‑being is that you actively try to prevent misunderstandings, reassure her, and avoid hurting her emotionally, even when you yourself are overwhelmed.

I hope that you find some comfort in the fact that you are a loving person even when you don’t feel in love.

About feeling “in love”- it is clear to me that you believe love must feel intense in order to be real:

“I’m scared that if I don’t feel it intensely, it means I’m falling out of love.”

“I worry the feeling won’t stay strong.”-

These quotes show that you equate love with intensity. This is a known sign of someone who grew up in a high‑intensity emotional environment. When childhood was filled with chaos, fear, or unpredictability, the emotions that got attention were the intense ones: fear, panic, anger, crisis, emotional explosions. So the body learns: ‘Intensity = urgency, connection, love.’

This becomes the emotional ‘baseline.’ Anything less than intense feels.. irrelevant or depressing, like something essential is missing.

And the flipside: ‘Calm = danger or disconnection.’ When someone grows up in a home where calmness was the quiet before the storm, a sign that someone was angry but silent, a sign that something bad was about to happen, the person’s nervous system learns that calm is not safety, that it is threat. Calm means something is wrong.

So in adulthood, a calm partner feels distant, a slow‑building relationship feels ‘off.’, a quiet moment feels like abandonment, a neutral tone feels like rejection, a partner who withdraws for a moment feels like they’re leaving forever, and.. a lack of intensity feels like falling out of love.

I think that this is why you reacted so strongly when she became “colder” or “withdraws.” To you, that’s not just a mood shift — it’s danger. Your body may have interpreted it as: ‘She’s disconnecting. I’m losing her. Something is wrong.’ Even if nothing is wrong.

Attachment (love) is supposed to be calm, steady. But if you grow up in a chaotic war zone of a home, you don’t get that, so you don’t trust calm or steady, you kind of trust what you grew up with: intensity.

And all this is fixable — but only once the person realizes that calm is not danger/ disconnection; calm is safety.

And that intensity (infatuation) is not love.

I was going to answer your questions about my healing but this post is getting too long. I will do so in the next post. Please let me know of your thoughts about what I wrote here, whenever you are ready.

🤍 Anita

Hello yet again, Confused:

I would like to reply more thoroughly tomorrow, Mon morning (it’s late Sun evening here), but thoughts that cross my mind this evening are:

“Having the warmth in my memories but not being able to feel them is killing me because I did feel amazing with her”- from my experience, too much of “the amazing” I felt was wishful thinking, as in someone was just about making it all-good for me forevermore.

“U just ride the waves and let it pass until u manage it easier every time?”- not really, it’s more like I expect way less from people, no longer expecting to be rescued by anyone (nor do I expect to rescue anyone), understanding that people are struggling much like I do. That we all struggle.

Now, what can we do to help each other as equally (more or less) struggling individuals vs ‘How can you rescue me?’

I hope I just made sense. Please let me know. I’ll reply further tomorrow

🙂 back to you,

🤍 Anita

Dear Confused (Part 2/2):

People with disorganized attachment are more likely to experience dorsal vagal shutdown in relationships.

What is the ‘dorsal vagal shutdown state’?- This term is relatively new (mid-90s). It comes from the polyvagal theory of the nervous system.

The Freeze response to perceived danger = ‘I can’t move.’ (tension, alert immobility)
The Dorsal vagal shutdown = ‘I can’t feel.’ (numbness, collapsed immobility; the deeper version)

The dorsal vagal shutdown state is the body’s emergency power‑saving mode when something feels too overwhelming to handle. When something feels too overwhelming or impossible to escape, the nervous system slows everything down — emotions, energy, heart rate, and awareness — to protect you. It’s the body’s way of ‘turning down the lights’ so you don’t feel the full impact of the stress.

In this state, people feel: emotionally numb, disconnected from themselves and others, unable to feel love or joy, exhausted, foggy, spaced out.. like they’re watching life from far away. The heart rate slows, breathing becomes shallow, the thinking brain goes offline, the body releases natural numbing chemicals, the system shuts down. It’s a survival reflex — the same one animals use when they “play dead.”

*** The trigger for you was likely the conversation about moving countries. You described a very specific moment: she asked if you could move to her country. She didn’t mention moving to yours and she gave an example of a failed LDR. For someone with abandonment fears, this conversation can feel like pressure, threat of loss, fears of making a life‑changing decision which may be the wrong choice, fear of sacrificing too much, fear of feeling trapped in a real-life situation or relationship.

Your nervous system likely interpreted this as something like ‘This is dangerous. Too much risk. Too much uncertainty’, which led to the dorsal vagal shutdown state. The body said ‘This is too much, I’m shutting down!”.

* LDRs involve big future decisions. Someone eventually has to: move countries, leave family, change jobs and uproot their life. For someone with abandonment fears or disorganized attachment, this is massive pressure.

* * * From what you shared about what she said to you, she framed the future in a one‑sided way. She talked about you moving, not the two of you discussing options. She used an example of a failed LDR which can feel like a subtle warning or pressure. She didn’t reassure you- She didn’t say: ‘We’ll figure it out together’, ‘We’ll explore both options.’ ‘I’m open to moving too.’ Instead, she put the responsibility on you. “well, you never asked” is defensive, not collaborative. So, yes, her comments were a legitimate trigger.

Perhaps you should have a calm (as much as possible), honest and open conversation with her about this..?

Your question: “Is this real or am I blocked?”- The answer (in psychological terms in my best understanding) is: you are blocked. Not suddenly ‘over’ the relationship.

*** Coming out of the dorsal vagal shutdown state is not a mental decision — it’s a physiological thawing process. The nervous system has to slowly shift from ‘collapse’ back into ‘safe connection’ when you feel that you’re not in danger anymore. I imagine that having an honest, open conversation with her where (and if) she doesn’t get defensive, doesn’t come across as threatening (mentioning failed LDRs), and sharing responsibility/ being collaborative, and reassuring- will help!

Also helpful: having a calm environment, reduced pressure or conflict overall. positive, supportive connections with people, a daily routine.. exercise, particularly gentle movement like stretching, yoga or Tai Chi.

Coming out of freeze or shutdown is like a frozen lake slowly melting. It’s not instant. It’s not a choice. It’s a process you can trust if you understand how it works.

I hope this is somewhat helpful 🙂

🤍 Anita

The plot thickens.. I’ll process what you added and reply Sun morning (It’s Sat night here).

Thank you, James. I would like to process your input over time further tomorrow morning.

🙏🤍🙏 Anita

Hello Confused:

“that changed in one morning and I don’t understand why and how.”-

Yesterday you wrote: “In my case too, the relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I cant remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid”-

My best guess is that the dissociation you’re currently experiencing is your body remembering (and re-experiencing) the dissociation you felt a lot of as a child, felt and forgot that you did.

The “why”- because you need to heal as much as possible from the chaotic relationship with your mother.

I’d like to write more later about the “how”. Please feel free to offer me your thoughts about what I wrote here.

🤍 Anita