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anitaParticipantedit:be as good to you as you would be to her
anitaParticipantHi Kelly:
At the end of my last message to you I wrote that you don’t have to make big decisions right now. I want to elaborate on it this morning:
Making big decisions, like marriage and a much bigger decision, having children, is not something a person who’s already stressed and overwhelmed should think about.
The most important thing is for you, at this time, to minimize stress in your life.
Having mentioned children: imagine you had a stressed and overwhelmed little girl: would you pressure her to feel any particular way or do what would stress her even more?
I am guessing you won’t and that you’ll do your best to calm and soothe her- because you’d love her and have her best interest in heart.
Please 🙏 be as good to you as you. You matter.
🍃 🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Miss L Dutchess:
You wrote yesterday, “I’m trying to not compare myself to others”- I have a comment on this, hoping it might be of some help:
If comparing yourself negatively to others is a mental habit by this point (if it’s where your mind goes naturally,) it would take time and practice to lessen and then stop this habit.
Mental habits, like many physical habits, are difficult (but possible) to break.
So, when you find yourself negatively comparing yourself to others.. (yet again), if you notice being critical of yourself (another mental habit), shift your thinking, if you will, to:
Comparing yourself positively to others, finding something you appreciate about yourself that many other people are lacking, and give yourself a mental hug for it.
If you do this regularly, you might develop a new mental habit to replace the old 🙂
🍃 🤍 Anita
anitaParticipant* edit: M-26
anitaParticipantHello again, SereneWolf 🙂
It is interesting to me that your first post yesterday ends with “I kind of do start to feel hopeless.”, while your first sentence- in your very first post on tiny buddha (September 22, 2022) was:
“Hi M-27 here, I kinda feel a little hopeless.”
It’s understandable to feel hopeless when you’re unemployed repeatedly or for a long time, or when watching the world being in so much trouble.
The attitude and practice I find helpful when it comes to the anxiety and hopelessness about things I cannot change is to (1) focus on what I can change, and (2) find comfort in people around me, exchange bits of genuine affection and care.
To not be Alone- emotionally (as you probably know, you can feel alone even when you’re surrounded by people).
The words of a 🎵 just came to mind: “All you need is love”. Of course, you need money, health, a routine of some kind, etc., but love (affection, care, and the T word: trust) is irreplaceable.
Currently, as I am typing into my 📱, my new affectionate, caring and trustworthy 🐕 is lying on my lap, so.. I know something about love 🙂
How are you in the context of love?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantWell, Confused.. it does look- to me- like a drug addiction, chasing a feeling.
Chasing a feeling never ends well, as far as I know.
The feeling you’ve been chasing must have been really GOOD-
How many drug addicts, millions, are hooked on a once WONDERFUL feeling, living in tents, under 🌉 bridges, homeless?
🌉 Anita
anitaParticipantThat’s what drugs’ll do to you. The chase for a high ends with a low, and the more of a high you chase, the more of a low you get.
.. so, are you.. a drug addict- like.. Confused😕?
🐇 Anita
anitaParticipantHey SereneWolf:
Tee posted last on Jan 17 this year, 2026, and last time she responded to you, right here on your thread, was on Nov 7 last year, 4 months and 22 days ago.
I hope Tee is okay. I miss reading from Tee (Hi Tee, if you’re reading this- I’ve missed you!)
In a few weeks you’ll be turning 30, SereneWolf, why.. you’re just a pup 🐶 like the saying goes.
Things weren’t easy for me when I was your age, my goodness.. 35 years ago, oohh.. I am old.
Don’t be too old before your time, SereneWolf!
🐶🌙🍃 Anita
anitaParticipant“But it’s like u tasted something good and now you want it back”-
Like tasting a drug, experiencing a high, and then losing that high and wanting it back.
It just doesn’t work, chasing a “high”- that’s what’s behind millions of people taking drugs, trying to recapture a “high”.
You know how that chase ends up, right?
🦁🐇🌙 Anita
anitaParticipantThank you, Miss L Dutchess for responding to my last post. I appreciate it. Taking things one day at a time is what I do 🙂
🍃🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
Those “such high standards” in regard to how you “should” feel are unhealthy standards because feelings will not be told how they should-be.
You can have high standards in regard to a skill like using a particular machine.. but high standard in regard to feeling..?
It’s like telling a 🦁 it shouldn’t chase deer or telling deer it should start chasing rabbit for food.
You feel what you feel; you don’t feel what you.. don’t.
Please 🙏 relax the should-s.
Sounds like you like her very much 😊
🤍🍃 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Kelly:
What you’re describing makes a lot of sense once you look at the pattern underneath it— you’re reacting from a nervous system that gets overwhelmed when relationships feel uncertain.
Here’s the pattern I see in what you wrote:
1. You get anxious → your mind goes into “all or nothing” mode. When you feel distance or conflict, your system jumps to extremes: “Are we breaking up?”, “Maybe I should break up.”, “He deserves someone better.”, “I’ll leave my ring there.”
This isn’t because you want to leave him. It’s because anxiety makes your mind search for certainty.
2. You ask for reassurance, but the reassurance doesn’t stick. You ask: “Are we breaking up?” because you want to hear “no.” But the moment you feel anxious again, the fear returns.
This is a very common anxious‑attachment loop.
3. You imagine worst‑case scenarios to protect yourself. Your mind creates “backup plans” because it’s trying to soften the blow of possible rejection. It’s not a sign that you don’t love him — it’s a sign that you’re scared.
4. You care about him deeply, but anxiety makes you doubt your feelings. Anxiety can numb you. It can make you feel disconnected from your own emotions. That doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there.
It means your system is overwhelmed.
Nothing about this makes you cruel or unloving.
About seeing him — here’s what might help: you don’t need a perfect plan. You don’t need to fix everything in one conversation. You don’t need to force excitement or pretend to feel something you don’t feel in the moment.
What helps most is slowing everything down.
When you see him, start simple and human: “It’s good to see you.”, “I missed being close to you.”, “I know the last two months have been hard for both of us.”, “I want to reconnect, and I want us to take things slowly.”, something like that.
You don’t need to solve the relationship in the first hour. Just focus on connection, not decisions.
Let the first conversation be about the present moment, not the future. Something like: “Let’s just spend time together today and see how we feel.”, “I want to be honest, but I also want to stay calm and connected.”
This takes the pressure off both of you.
If he’s distant at first, it doesn’t mean he stopped caring. It means he’s protecting himself too. You can gently say: “I know things have been tense. I’m here because I care, and I want us to reconnect slowly.”
This shows steadiness without pressure.
The loneliness and morning anxiety you feel are coming from your thoughts, not from reality. Your mind wakes up and immediately checks: “Am I safe?”, “Is he leaving?”, “Do I feel enough?”
This creates a wave of anxiety before the day even begins.
It’s not a sign that the relationship is doomed. It’s a sign that your nervous system is overwhelmed.
You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not hurting him on purpose. You’re not incapable of love. You’re scared — and you’re trying to protect both him and yourself at the same time.
Kelly, nothing about what you’re feeling is unusual for someone who gets anxious in relationships. You’re not broken. You’re overwhelmed. And you don’t have to make any big decisions right now. Just focus on reconnecting slowly when you see him.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Kelly: glad to read from you again. I’m preparing a reply and will submit it in about an hour and a half from now.
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
This Sunday morning, here, I am feeling so much gratitude for you thinking about what I shared and taking time out of your busy life to respond in such a thorough, empathetic way.
Thank you 😊 🙏 🤍
Yes, I remembered the “You’re a big zero” message my whole life, and before only a few days ago (when I posted here), I was not in the memory. It was as if I was not the recipient of those words and sentiment.
The memory of her words was disturbing to me but not in a felt-way.
🙏 for validating my wording (having been terrorized). This wording feels so true.
And for saying that by threatening my life, she forfeited any right to be seen as a source of safety or care. This too is validating. And before I read these words.. I wasn’t sure about it because she bought me food and clothes and sometimes went out of her way to buy me a martszipan cake.
(This reminds me of you sharing that your bio sometimes brought you pizza)
I am guessing she felt that cake balances or neutralizes homicidal (and suicidal) threats..?
You wrote that she lost her mother- card. This is why on another one of my thread, I referred to her as monster (a similar 5 letter word).
Yes, I was the shock absorber of her emotions. This is why I still experience these very distressing tics (I feel them even if they’re not very obvious outwardly) every minute or every few minutes of every waking moment, as well as holding my breath. Even now when there’s no chaos here and Bogart is peacefully sleeping on my lap.
You wrote that I am no longer obligated to stand in the line of fire 🔥 for her or for anyone else. This feels very meaningful and I want to think-feel about this imagery more later.
Another imagery or metaphor you introduced, having been a soldier in my own home- I want to develop this metaphor further later.
Thank you for your prayers 🙏 🤍 🙏
I am holding up quite well. I am paying attention to my breathing, relaxing my breathing and exhaling from time to time.
Again, I am deeply grateful for your message and I pray for health and safety for you and your loved-ones 🙏
🤍 🤍 🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantContinued: I never knew what safety might feel, never knew what it would feel like to exhale.
I held my breath, constricted, freezed into no- life, waiting till it’s safe enough to live, decades and decades of waiting- holding my breath.
Not because a certain country or terrorist regime threatened me and kept me from breathing- living.. It was just my mother, just this one single human threatening me day in and day out, and no one to stop her. No one to shield me.
Again, my private terrorist was not a Muslim or anyone of a particular religion. And no one of the Jewish religion has ever stepped in to protect the child me, no one protected me at 5, or 10, or 15, or 20…
🌙 Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 