Good morning 🙂 Confused:

I did not yet read your 2 recent posts because I want to attend first to a few things from what we talked about yesterday (it took me a couple of hours to write the following, which includes my personal best understanding- for you to consider and evaluate if you choose to do that):

1) You shared: “I remember sometimes when I’d go and hug my mother (I was like 10) she would suspiciously look at me and tell me ‘What do u need now? / What mischief have u done?’ so I stopped that too, eventually”. I asked you: “Do you remember what you felt when your mother met your love with suspicion and accusation?”, and you answered: “Hmm, I think I felt shame.”-

When a child goes to hug a parent, they’re not just giving affection — they’re seeking connection, safety, warmth and reassurance. But what did you receive instead? Suspicion: “What do you need now?”, “What mischief have you done?”

Your affection was misinterpreted as manipulation or wrongdoing. For a child, that’s confusing and painful.

Your reaction: Shame. Shame is the emotion of: ‘Something is wrong with me.’, ‘My affection is unwanted.’, ‘My needs are suspicious.’, ‘I shouldn’t reach out.’ So, you shut down that part of yourself (the part that feels affection, the part that has needs, the part that wants to reach out)- so to stay safe.

2) You shared: “Yes, my brain does that a lot with everyone, I guess it’s a protective mechanism. Actually, it started when she confessed her feelings with the poem (I felt ‘wow, she is really into me, now I gotta be careful, why am I not feeling more enthusiastic? I should feel more!’)”-

When she showed strong, surprising affection toward you, catching you off guard (the poem), you froze. Why? Seems to me that the reason is that Affection became associated with Rejection and Accusations (your mother’s repeated response), and the same shame you felt at age 10 resurfaces: ‘I’m not reacting right.’, ‘I’m disappointing her.’, ‘I’m doing something wrong.’

Your childhood taught you: ‘Affection is not safe. If I show it, I’ll be questioned or judged. If someone shows it to me, I’ll fail them.’

That’s why you said earlier: “Now I gotta be careful.”- careful of repeating that old shame.

Before the poem, things were probably ambiguous, playful, or low‑stakes. After the poem, it became real, serious, emotionally loaded. That sudden shift can make someone pull back internally to reassess.

The most telling part is this: “wow, she is really into me, now I gotta be careful”- That’s not the thought of someone who doesn’t care. That’s the thought of someone who cares so much about not causing harm that they become cautious.

3) Because of double posting I didn’t read the part about “Why ‘Too Much Love’ Leads to Shutdown”- the article talks about emotional Burnout caused by (1) Excessive giving without equal reciprocation, (2) Focusing solely on a partner and sacrificing your own needs, priorities, and self-care, (3) Fear of abandonment, (4) A history of heartbreak.

I think that your mother’s the core of your history of heartbreak 😞 What do you think, Confused?

Next, I will read your recent 2 posts and reply

🤍 Anita

Hmm.. yes, I think the two of you are afraid, scared of.. well, you tell me. You know better than I do.

But outside if the fear, I see something special on your part and on hers, no less.

It’s almost 9 pm here, b Back in (my) morning 🌄 (your.. evening)

🌄🌙🐇 Anita

Oh, and about “bound to end”: the May- Nov “high” was bound to end because that high wasn’t yet tested by reality: you didn’t yet meet her in-person for the first time, no real movement toward living with her irl.

So, it was a high, like throwing a stone up in the air, it’s bound to come down (gravity)

And about black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking, aka binary thinking- that was MY thinking for ages, so I am no stranger to it.

So, it was a relatively good time, May- Nov. Not perfect but pretty good, just some moments imagining breakup, and then a short time before you were to meet her for the first time ( and move closer toward moving to Cyprus so to live with her), that was when those moments of doubt became a lot?

Do you trust your idea of love being Amazing Always?

Hey Dear Confused who is not at all a bad person:

I had to open with the above because it’s true!

As I read your recent post, a connection`was made in my mind: your mother didn’t trust you to love her (to hug her because you loved her). Fast forward, you don’t trust.. you to love this young woman (I’ll refer to her as Y, so to keep it simple)

And you don’t trust her to love you.

A mistrust in love carried from one generation to the next..?

But thing is, you do love Y, it’s clear to me. This love is like buried underground right now, so it’s still there and it comes up occasionally like laughing with her for hours and that cute-aggression which you described feeling not long ago.

Do you remember what you felt when your mother met your love with suspicion and accusation?

🤔 Anita