More (because there’s always more 🙂 😔 🙂 😔 🙂 😔 🙂)

I expect this thread to be long, no rushing. A Personal Reckoning takes time.

I am trying to really, really get in touch with little girl Anita, a girl lost to me.

A girl I want to reconnect with more.. with all the sadness and joy that it entails.

Erased by Parental Demand .. not completely erased.

So, little girl Anita, speak to me, please..?

Little girl Anita (LGA): Ima (meaning, “Mother!”).. Ima, Ima, Ima..

Tell me, tell me, little Anita..

LGA: IMA.. IMA!

Tell me..

LGA: I LOVE YOU IMA!!!!!!!

She didn’t know?

LGA: No. She didn’t know.

What did she think she knew?

LGA: She thought she knew, she thought I was.. BAD.

I hate being bad. I don’t want to be bad. Help me, help me be good.

She said you were bad..?

LGA: Yes.

And you believed her?

LGA: She said so, she said I was bad.. And then.. I really was bad, I hit my little sister… I WAS B.A.D. And I’ve done wrong to other people.. Am I B.A.D.. I am bad (crying..)

I don’t want to be bad, I never wanted to (crying out loud)

She told you that you were bad? How, what did she say?

LGA: She said I was BAD, she said I had plans to hurt her and then.. executed those plans.

And it wasn’t true, what she said?

LGA: no.

What was it all about?

LGA: Love misinterpreted (not a little girl’s wording.. is it?)

No, you and I are merging..

LGA: Into what, into whom?

Into a person who speaks the truth

LGA: But she DID speak the truth! She said I was BAD.

You believe it?

LGA: Yes, she said it! She SAID it, she said I was- am BAD.

But.. it wasn’t true.

LGA: Sounded so true, 100% true.. Am I BAD.. Make HER say I am not bad. Make her say I am not…

(crying too loudly, have to stop)

I am trying to figure out what that “something else” (“Why don’t you punch me in the face?”) was about..?

* I am still feeling upset about it all.

I’ll try to answer.. wait, I’ll let inner child Anita answer (using Jana’s inner child exercise, Oct 6):

“Put down two cushions. First sit on one cushion and pretend you are the helpless, vulnerable child. You express yourself: ‘Dear one, I am very helpless. I cannot do anything. It’s very dangerous. I’m going to die; nobody is taking care of me.’ You have to speak the language of the baby. And while you are expressing yourself like that, if the feelings of fear, hopelessness, stress, and helplessness come up, please allow them to come up and recognize them. Allow the helpless child enough time to express herself fully. This is very important.”-

Dear one, I am very helpless. I am scared. I cannot do anything. This is very dangerous. I.. I don’t want to be afraid anymore!!!

I don’t want to be the helpless, scared, cannot-do-anything little victim! I CAN fight! I WILL fight!

“After she has finished, move to the other cushion to play the role of the adult self. As you look at the other cushion, imagine the helpless child is sitting there and talk to her: ‘Listen to me. I am your adult self. You are no longer a helpless child; we have grown up into an adult already. We have enough intelligence to protect ourselves, to survive by ourselves. We don’t need someone to take care of us anymore.'”-

Listen to me, beautiful, courageous, little Anita: Yes, let’s not go belly up anymore, let’s not surrender to aggressors (mother, S). Let’s not try to people-please them anymore (to help and help and help S, if she comes back to my life).

I respect you, little Anita. I love you. I am here FOR you. I will love us and hold ourselves accountable because we are good people.

End of exercise, for now.

Looking back, I think that S wanted to quit for some time and she used me to justify her planned quitting. I think that she was jealous of my motherly connection with her son who also works in the place (he expressed some distance from her, and closeness to me.. and she noticed).

I think that I was an easy target for her days-long anger (if not longer) because I was so helpful and eager to please her.

I want to shift any and all Judgment of S into Empathy, and yet, if she is back in my life- no more helping her, no more eager to please her. She can do all the physical work her job entails.. on her own.

A twist to the story- S is a witch, so she says.. the nice kind of witch..(White Witch, I think), but long ago, she did express that she can- if she wishes- cast spells on people. It’s all part of her spiritual thing. A few days ago, she gave me a gift, an ankle bracelet. Since I had the bracelet on my left ankle, I developed a persistent, disturbing pain in my left angle. Having just realized this.. possible connection, I removed the bracelet.. and my left knee feels better.

Weird..?

🪄 ✨🔮 🌙 🧙‍♀️ 🌀 👁 Anita

Dear Reader:

* What I share here is for you, Thomas, to read and comment on, if you would like to, as well as for Jana.

Jana, you asked and commented back on Oct 6, on my other thread, “Do you want to share what made her so angry? It’s not your fault. People are very nervous, angry these days. When I go shopping, I try to spread a positive mood, I smile at people and there are only a small handful of people who return it. There are people who even take a smile as a provocation and get triggered..”-

Thank you. A little background: S is an employee at this place and I am a volunteer. For way over a year, every single day when she worked- I helped her, doing parts of her job for her, lots and lots of physical work done to make her job easier. When I saw she was about to do X- I did it for her.

So, here’s what happened: on Friday (a week ago).. Actually, it started before Friday, S has been critical of me, maybe accusatory (all this is before last Sunday’s confrontation with her). Seemingly small things: (1) she took a break from working and ate lunch from a plastic container. The day after, she expressed to me that I threw away her empty container. I didn’t, but she insisted that I did, arguing that I did. I was somewhat troubled by her accusation. (2) I washed the special dish-drying cloth towels (they require washing by hand in cold water) and hung them to dry, as I have done regularly for more than a year. S complained that I should have used bleach and hot water, that I am promoting the growth of bacteria on dishes, (3) I wiped the inside of a popcorn machine with a (clean) paper towel. S asked, in an alarmed voice and accusatory tone: “You didn’t use a detergent in that towel, did you?”, I answered: “I am not that stupid!”, (4) At a pumpkin decorating setting, I was assigned the role of sitting with the kids (and adults) at the table while they used colors to paint pumpkins. I wasn’t told what to do, just to sit there. S complained that the table was messy and I am not doing my job. She told me to collect the colors in containers, and so, I did, (5) As I normally do and have done for over a year, I wash the dishes for S (it’s her job, but I help her). This time (Sun) she told me that I should not be there (behind the counter with her) washing dishes, and that I should be at the pumpkin decoration area. So I quietly left her area.

Later on Sunday, I approached her and asked her if she was angry with me. She said: “I am not angry, I a frustrated. We all have jobs to do, and you are not doing yours” (not placing the colors in containers, not sitting down at the table all the time). I told her that I wasn’t told to place them in containers, didn’t get a job description.. how would I know?

She said: you mean you didn’t know that colors should be placed in containers? I said: no I didn’t know (colors being spread out are easier for the kids to see and choose from than if they’re in containers, I figure).

S reacted, raising her voice: “Now I am angry with you.. You are making excuses..” (She may have said more, don’t remember). She then spoke to a customer, so, I moved away, sitting a distance away with other people drinking wine and able to see S on the other side of the room. (At that time the pumpkin decorating event was over).

Pausing in regard to events (I am feeling upset right now, heart beating fast, a bit dizzy, scared to confront what happened next.

Next, I see her across the room smiling, talking calmly with a customer and I get angry, thinking: she was rude to me and she’s smiling, that’s not fair!

I finished my first glass of wine, walked to the counter, asked for a second glass of wine and at that opportunity, I told S: “You were rude to me.”

All hell broke loose. She YELLED at me, I mean really yelled (I don’t remember everything she said), tossed the wine out of my glass (my favorite glass, different from other glasses) and broke it then threw it in the trash, screaming and yelling the whole time, then announcing “I QUIT!” and walking away, her last words to me: “You’re bad!” My last words to her: “You are wrong!”.

Behind her she left the pumpkin I decorated for her: her name printed on it with hearts all around the pumpkin.

Had no contact with her since, didn’t hear from her or about her, but will be back to the place this afternoon.. a bit scared.. maybe she’ll show up, don’t know.

More later. Thomas, Jana, anyone else- you are welcome to give me your thoughts..

Anita

Thomas Dear, really, really.. you are welcome to comment 🙂

I like you, Thomas, and I want you here, in the forums.

Keep posting, I truly appreciate you.

You bring up good points, and I’ll reply tomorrow (8:30 pm here- WA, USA, 11:30 pm Albany)

🌿 🤍 Anita