Dear Alessa:

I am sorry that your son has been so sick and that understandably, it’s a difficult time for you.

You are doing your very best 👌 for him.

Sounds like it is a hour, one day, one night at a time situation 🤞

I am hoping to read about further improvements very soon!

🤍💙🙏💙🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

You shared yesterday: “I have only known how to be the one that is more invested in a relationship, never experienced the opposite. And with her I felt like I am ‘responsible’ for something fragile (her feelings and trust) and I can’t handle such pressure/responsibility (responsibilities drive me away like crazy) because eventually I was afraid I would let her down.”-

In general, when a child becomes the emotional caretaker of a parent in a family where there are chaos, conflict and emotional volatility, where a parent confides in the child about his or her marital problems, emotional distress, fears and frustrations-

…the child (not equipped to handle all that because he or she is just a child) often adapts by becoming the listener, the stabilizer, the problem‑solver, the “little adult” (role reversal) — the child takes on emotional responsibilities that belong to the parent.

Children in this situation often learn: “Love means responsibility.”, and for a child, this is TOO MUCH responsibility = Burden. The child often feels overwhelmed, pressured to “fix” things and guilty if they can’t

This can create an adult who * feels anxious when someone trusts them emotionally, * pulls away when someone gets close, * prefers to be the one giving rather than receiving, * feels undeserving or afraid of love because love feels like a burden

This is a general dynamic that many people describe. Does this resonate, Confused?

🤍 Anita

Dear Nichole:

So very, very good to read from you!

You sound healthy, mentally and emotionally, in this challenging situation.

You are wise and resilient. I am impressed by you, in awe, really!

I’ll reply further in the morning 🌄.

Good night (7:32 pm here, 10:32 pm in FL.

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

I think that it’s precious that you cared so much to not hurt her.

So, you felt not good or adequate enough for her. Do you remember when you first felt inadequate?

When your father or sisters hug and kiss you and you cringe.. why do you keep letting them hug and kiss you?

Why don’t you tell them: NO@!!.?

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

“She asked me if I find it strange that I lost feelings days after the girl confessed hers to me and I felt that she is more into me than I am into her.”- did you answer her?

“Could also be related with me feeling cringe/ick when anyone of my family expresses affection towards me.”- I remember feeling a cringe 😖 whenever my mother touched me.

Tell me about your cringe, will you (as always, only if you feel comfortable and to the extent that you do)?

* I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours).

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

“Could be me having commitment issues that I wasn’t aware of.”- was it fear of commitment then (moving to her country, living with her (would have been the first time living with a woman-partner)?

“I am into therapy currently trying to work on it.’- what’s happening in therapy (is it online or in-person)?

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

A definition of “confused”: mixed together in a way that makes things unclear.

What’s mixed in? In two days (Dec 19-20), you listed a lot of things mixed together:

“Dissociating, being numb to everything, depressed,” + “constant rumination for my feelings”+ “the uncertainty of the relationship that someone has to move somewhere (possibly me) and the and the fear of abandonment (I am disorganized attached)+… (+) stress (of) taking the trip to meet this girl…+ “There was a conversation though that I didn’t feel very good about at the time. She asked me if I would be able to live in another country… she would consider moving to my country as much as I would consider moving to hers” (Dec 20)

On Dec 19, you shared: “the relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I can’t remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid, definitely trying to escape in imaginary worlds and games though”-

Confused, what if this girl has been your adult “imaginary world” of escape, feeling “madly in love… head over heels, thinking of her constantly, feeling great while doing so, feeling content and connected.” (Dec 19-20)?

After all, these madly-in-love feelings took place before you met her for the first (and only) time, and they were gone a short time before that visit when the idea of the relationship was becoming real, as in real-life (the idea of visiting her and moving countries so to be with her took hold).

“The dreams, the plans” you mentioned today (Jan 15), those were what you escaped to. But with the first taste of real-life (planning a real-life visit, talking about a real-life move to her country), you lost this madly-in-love escape route…is what I’m thinking this morning.

 🤍 Anita