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anitaParticipantYou don’t feel lovable, deserving love.. so, when you read her poem, did you think it was just a matter of time before she realizes she doesn’t really love you (because you are not.. good-enough to be loved)?
anitaParticipantRedefine “love”?
Love is not arguing, fighting, causing hurt, being hurt
Love is being calm, helping, not hurting.
Too many people, too many mothers are not capable of loving. They have moments of feeling and expressing affection within a continuum of hurting and harming.
The moments of affection are not love when harm keeps being perpetrated against the “loved one”
anitaParticipant“When she confessed her feelings, (you thought) “Now I have to be extra careful not to hurt her”-
So, when she expressed love for you, you didn’t expand, as in, Let’s Love Each Other. Instead yo u contracted, as in, I Have 2 B Careful.
Love= Hurt.
That’s the kind of “love” you grew up with, the kind that hurts.. so, you connect the two?
🤔 👀 😢 Anita
anitaParticipantNot wanting to escape the feelings that you liked so much, I am thinking, but wanting (subconsciously) to escape feelings you wouldn’t like AT ALL, like what shows up on the other side of love (what you experienced as a child, the arguing, the violence)?
Remember you said that you don’t remember if you dissociated as a child ((I think you said it early on, Dec 19)?
Well, my guess is that you did like any child would, and you “forgot” how badly it felt when love (your mother’s affection) turned into arguing and violence.
And what you’re trying to escape is not love and affection but what followed it, in your early, real-life experience.
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Omyk:
You’re welcome and tank you.
One door 🚪 closes, another opens?
* Since I talked to you last, my new dog 🐕 destroyed my computer 🖥 and I have the use of a 2nd computer only in the mornings 🌄. I am using my phone 📱 and emojis keep showing up. I like 👍 them, hence there are many of them. I hope you don’t mind.
You said that you were determined to make it a strong 💪 year, but in general, so much is out of our individual control. Try to not blame yourself for what depends on other people and factors that have nothing to do with you.
You’re not familiar with the area (regarding the FT pastoral position), but you’re familiar with the human mind, heart and experience and you can help those in need of help in any community, I am thinking 🤔.
A day at a time ⏲️ is my strategy, and having some fun 😁 with emojis.
How do you have fun?
🤍 🤔 ✨️ Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
I wasn’t thinking that you used her as an escape. I was thinking that the fact that it was a LDR was an escape from the stress a close physical proximity relationship would have caused.
Coming to think 🤔 about it.. is the shutdown an escape in itself?
Escape from feelings?
I have no doubt the two of you had genuinely loving exchanges.
🤔 (I love this emoji, lol) Anita
anitaParticipantInteresting that you picked up on it. It crossed my mind that you used her as an escape during my last post to you, but then I thought, no, or at least not fully, that the two of you had meaningful exchanges. So, really, it’s not one thing OR another, it’s this and that and this other thing.
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
You are welcome and thank you 🙏 🤍
Last evening I prepared a turkey lunch meat sandwich for myself, with lots of turkey, had it at the edge of the kitchen counter for a moment. Bogart managed to get to it and eat it all before I could stop him. After that, later at night, he went number 2 in the bathroom, diarrhea style. Is it because of the turkey lunch meat?
I’ve been sharing with him (voluntarily) a bit of my lunches, human food, every day, mixed it with his dog food for flavor. I didn’t today because I’m wondering if it’s unhealthy for him.. ?
Up to 6 months, at the breeder’s where he was raised), he nursed on his mother’s milk and then on dry dog food, that and nothing else. So, I am wondering if human food is unhealthy for him?
I agree with what you said. The principle of Do-No-Harm comes to mind.
I hope you have a good night. It’s just after noon here, raining, but have to take Bogart on a longer walk (than this morning’s tiny walk).
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, The Ruminant, after almost 12 years to the day of posting this thread?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Kay:
Little chance you are reading this. You posted here last when you were 18. Now, you are 30.
How are you?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipant* edit: if we want to put an end to some of the negative consequences
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
As I was looking at your Dec 19, 2025 posts, I came across “In my case too, the relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I can’t remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid, definitely trying to escape in imaginary worlds and games though”-
And it occurred to me how much we do have in common. I too escaped into imaginary worlds, daydreaming for hours every day, every chance I got. There were no computers back then, so my escape was strictly mental, imaginary.
A member here in the forums (Robi1992), only 3 years older than you, also grew up in a chaotic home with an unpredictable, sometimes violent mother, and like you, he escaped into imaginary worlds and games: (Robi, Feb 18, 2024: “When I was about 11, my parents bought my first computer. I was hooked from the early beginning. I would spend an entire day and sometimes night playing games and watching films. The internet has become my playground. Finally, there was a place where I could hide, explore and fit in… For many years, as an adult, I would spend my days in front of the computer.”
Children who grow up in chaotic homes like you, me and Robi, need an escape. But we can’t escape the consequences of growing up in chaotic homes. Neither the suffering nor the consequences end just because we become adults and live away from home. As adults, we have to take on the difficult but necessary healing process if we want to put an end to the negative consequences of growing up in chaos.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Confused 🙂
In regard to “something is missing/not right”-
You mentioned OCD and depression a few times, beginning in your very first post here (“I have started therapy with someone that specializes in ocd/depression”, Dec 19).
It’s common that people with OCD (I was one) describe a strong internal tension like: ‘This isn’t complete.’ ‘This doesn’t feel right.’ ‘I need to fix this.’, ‘Something is off and I can’t relax.’
The feeling itself — “something is missing/not right” — can appear in other emotional states, such as in anxiety and depression. But in OCD, the “not right” sensation is usually followed by a strong urge to fix it, such as checking, re-reading, re-thinking, mentally reviewing, seeking reassurance, trying to get the ‘perfect’ feeling.
The person feels driven to do something until the internal tension goes down. It’s not just discomfort — it’s pressure.
People with OCD often know nothing is actually wrong, but the feeling is so strong that it overrides logic. It feels like: ‘I know this makes no sense, but I can’t shake it.’, I need to fix this even though I know it’s irrational.’ That mismatch — insight + compulsion — is very characteristic of OCD.
In OCD, the goal is to get the right feeling, the person often tries to reach a sense of ‘rightness’, ‘completion’, ‘certainty’. It’s not about solving a real problem — it’s about chasing an internal sensation.
In other contexts, people don’t chase a ‘perfect feeling.’ They’re just distressed or confused. The feeling (“something is missing/not right”) doesn’t create compulsions.
In one sentence, in OCD, the “something is missing/not right” feeling creates a compulsive drive to fix or complete something, even when the person knows it doesn’t make sense. In depression, it is about loss of emotional connection, of an internal spark, a feeling of aliveness and missing the old (not depressed) self.
It’s an internal emptiness without a compulsion/ drive to fix or complete something. The feeling doesn’t demand a specific mental or physical action. It’s uncomfortable, distressing, maybe confusing, but not compulsive.
Maybe this distinction is helpful, what do you think, Confused?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantI will email the address you provided Sat morning (it’s Fri night here), 🌙 good night, Q
anitaParticipantI want to add, I have communicated via a private email with about a dozen + tiny members over the years, still ongoing with only one member.
My best communication was with members on tb forums, right here.
So, I prefer these public forums. It’s just that if you think a private forum is advantageous, you are welcome to offer me a private email.
🤍 Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.