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anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
“Within less than 2 years of my marriage I fell for a family friend who was having access to me and my family, I wouldn’t say I was trapped or anything but it was an emotional manipulation I feel or realised later… but I admit I loved him no matter what and stayed true to myself… Deep down, I knew he is bad for me but unable to kill my love for him”-
– Can you define the words/ terms I boldfaced above, as in giving your personal, authentic, clear, simple-to-understand of falling for a man, of being emotionally manipulated by a man, of loving a man, of being and staying true to yourself; what kinds of things/ people are bad for you, and lastly, what does killing your love means?
Clarity and sensible solutions are in the definitions we assign to the words we use. I hope to read back from you!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
I didn’t notice your thread until just now, a moment ago (Maybe it was awaiting moderation for some time). I will be away from the computer for quite a few hours. I will read and reply when I return. And no worries: no judgment (harsh or mild) from me!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
You are welcome! I’ve seen members’ posts delayed/ awaiting moderation because they include links. Maybe that’s what happen to your posts..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
I am impressed that you read through the 7th page (I should re-read myself). Thank you for your support: it feels good to receive it!
“By the way, do you like your life in the US? Did you ever experience so called cultural shock there?“- yes, I very much like where I am living now (U.S., smaller town/ outside the city limit), and yes, I suppose I did experience a cultural shock: in the U.S., people patiently and quietly waiting in lines (ex., in the post office), no one (physically) pushing and moving ahead. Also: people being nice and polite, saying please and tank you.. on a regular basis 🙂.
“When I used EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to heal my social phobia, I found and “repaired” a lot of emotional wounds connected to my mother, too“- I did wonder in the past about EFT aka Tapping. I should look further into it. Maybe it will help me sleep better..
“She is a good person, we had everything we needed – food, clothes, … and mostly what we wanted – toys etc., but she was emotionally detached (was emotionally detached from me, but still is from my older siblings), moody…”-
– thank you for sharing personal things about your family. I don’t feel alone sharing about mine. Interestingly, my mother was Angry and Emotionally Detached (AED, I like to make up acronyms): her dominant emotion for me was anger, and there were no moments of a 2-way closeness, not a single one that I remember.
“Alcoholism was an issue in our family… I don’t mind people drinking… I don’t judge. If someone likes it (and has control over it), it is OK for me“- thank you for the non-judgment. People around here drink a lot and the consequences are severe, including injuries and deaths. I personally know two men around here: one’s wife drove drunk into a tree and died, the other man’s wife was riding in the back of his motorcycle when a drunk driver hit the motorcycle from the back: she died and he was seriously injured. I know someone who while drunk, placed his hand in the burning fireplace and at another occasion, tripped and fell- while drunk- bled and required surgery.
So, although it feels so good to drink and socialize.. and dance, if it was up to me, I would cancel alcohol for all of society (if it was possible) so to prevent the many, many injuries and deaths. I just looked it up: in the United States, excessive alcohol use results in approximately 178,000 deaths every year of which 13,524 deaths per due to drunk driving. Additionally, alcohol-related injuries lead to around 2.15 million emergency department visits each year.
Globally, road traffic injuries cause around 1.35 million deaths per year, with a significant portion of these fatalities attributed to drunk driving. This translates to about one death every 26 seconds on average.
Sobering numbers, aren’t they? I am glad your father has been sober for more than 35 years!
Talk to you later, signing out at 5:03 pm your time.
anita
anitaParticipantDear John:
You are welcome, and thank you for your message: it’s positively meaningful to me that you cared to reply to me.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise:
Louise: “My parents argued and fought constantly… I felt very trapped in this place where my parents were constantly shouting and screaming at each other… My mother… (was)the dominant one. Whereas my father was more depressed and unhappy and anxious… My mum could be quite angry and I think I still have a fear of people being angry with me“.
anita: The only memory I have of having two parents in the “home” (quotation marks because a home is supposed to be calm or joyful, but safe, always safe, and mine was neither calm nor joyful, nor safe) was a fight between them. I was maybe five: there was shouting, threats of suicide or homicide, or both, things thrown to the floor, breaking. I peeked through the key hole in the door that separated my small room from the living room where it happened. Then, my mother left the apartment, saying she was going to kill herself. I cried loudly, my father noticed and hit me with a belt, to quiet me down. It was late at night.
He left the apartment, perhaps looking for her, perhaps not. Alone in the now silent apartment, I gathered my courage and went looking for my mother, wanting to find her alive. I pretended I was in a movie, acting for the cameras, on an adventure in the darkness of the night.
I found her in the nearby street. There were other people there, awakened or alarmed by the noise. There she was: my mother ALIVE. I was so happy! I ran to her with my arms stretched to her, crying out: Mother, Mother, You are Alive!
I wanted/ expected perhaps that she will pick me up in her arms and be happy for me, happy that I was happy to find her alive. But she was not happy. She was Angry with me: Why would you think I wouldn’t be alive?, she asked accusatorily (maybe she was embarrassed about the people around.. accusing me of not being.. socially appropriate, I think it was). She didn’t pick me up. She didn’t hold me and she didn’t hug me.
This memory might be based on one event, it may be a few events merged into one memory. I was only five, or around that age.
My father/ the man in that event was gone when I was 6 or so, and I lived alone with my mother and a much younger sister. What followed was about two decades of living with a very angry mother who- without the presence of my father- repeatedly threatened suicide and homicide, killing me, that is, or in her words: I will murder you!
This was all a long, long time ago. More than half a century ago.
My body didn’t/ doesn’t forget. The uncomforted fear, repeating, ongoing fear, got caught in my brain-body in the form of the almost constant bodily tension involved in tics (Tourette Syndrome) and otherwise.. there’s hardly a single deep, slow natural inhalation-exhalation event. I am still holding my breath. Stress is palpable in my mind and body. There is an inability to connect pieces of observations/ information (ADD), and more.
There are consequences to terrifying the hell out of a child, again and again, without correction.
My mother suffered. She had a terrible childhood, and she ended up being a person with no heart for the girl she brought into this world. How do I have compassion for a woman with no heart for me..
This very morning, I was doing something and thought it might be disapprove-able, and I “heard” her scream at me, once again (ad again and again and again) voicing her disapproval of me. This is the legacy she left in my life.
I am telling you this, Louise, because I told you that I will share with you my experience which has similarities to yours. I tend to think that your experience was much milder than mine (from an adult’s viewpoint)? Thing is, it doesn’t take much (from an adult’s hardened mindset) to scare and traumatize a soft child: a mother repeated Anger is enough.
I hope that you are well, Louise. I figure this is all a lot for you, at this time. Therefore, please take your time before you reply- if you reply. Take care of yourself, empathy for yourself, be good to the little girl within you.
anita
November 18, 2024 at 11:45 am in reply to: The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you” #439484anitaParticipantDear Arden:
“About the things that can be done, I look at them as doable or not doable“- you are a very practical person. You categorize tasks into two distinct groups: tasks you think can be accomplished (doable) and tasks you think cannot be accomplished (not doable).
“If I can do something, I try to do it. Doesn’t matter how stuck I am, how busy I am or how tired. If it’s doable by me, why let that person suffer“- you are a selfless, helpful person. You prioritize helping others whenever you have the ability to do so, regardless of your own circumstances or challenges. You believe that if you have the capability to alleviate someone else’s suffering, you should take action, even if it requires personal effort and sacrifice.
“But they are not necessarily like that and I tend to realize that, and get bitter, in my mind. No reaction, I just feel bitter. But I keep doing it for some time“- you acknowledge that others do not share the same level of selflessness and willingness to help as you do, that others do not reciprocate your efforts or show consideration. This realization leads to feelings of bitterness and resentment.
Despite feeling bitter, you choose not to express these feelings outwardly or confront others about it. Instead, you internalize your emotions. And despite the bitterness and lack of reciprocation, you continue to help others. You are grappling with the emotional toll of consistently giving without receiving the same level of consideration in return (not even close to the same level of consideration in return).
It’s easy to point to solutions (open communication with husband and other people, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-care), but it’s very difficult for you to put these solutions into practice, isn’t it?
“In my husband’s case…”– reads like your husband is similar to you, only that he helps his siblings in self-sacrificial ways.. at his- and your expense.
“I had to support him because I could. But now, him helping out the family he got no help from? It really makes me upset… at least do not give lots of money to them when you don’t have your own flat or like your own bed“- reads like you and your husband are too similar: self sacrificial. Only you sacrifice for him while he sacrifices for his siblings.
“Everyone is just thinking about themselves and upgrading their life. I cannot get over the fact that his sibling that he helped out that much, is actually buying so much nice stuff for herself that I postpone buying“- you are expressing feelings of frustration and resentment about inequality in effort and reward, feeling that others, including your husband’s sibling, prioritize their own needs and improvements over those of others. You made personal sacrifices, such as postponing buying nice things, and then seeing the sibling indulge in nice things feels unfair and hurtful.
This situation puts an emotional strain on you, as you struggle to reconcile your own sacrifices with the actions of others who seem to be benefiting without similar sacrifices.
“But for one second, my perspective shifted from ‘victim’ to something else. I am looking at this issue from a victim’s perspective, feeling so much bitterness. I have to work on that victim perspective that occurs when something like this happens. I should never think like a victim“- here, you are expressing self-awareness where you see the situation from a different angle, realizing that your feelings of bitterness and resentment are stemming from viewing yourself as a victim in an unjust situation, a person with no power to change an unjust situation. You recognize the need to address and change this mindset, understanding that it is not helpful or constructive. You want to develop a more empowering and resilient mindset.
“I cannot unsee my feelings, unsee my effort. All this years of effort of mine deserves being prioritized by him. If his sister cannot manage all that money… She should know better, learn better. All my effort should never finance that sort of lazy behavior.“- you feel that your hard work and sacrifices should be recognized and valued by your husband. You want your contributions to be acknowledged and prioritized. You are frustrated that your husband’s sibling, who has received significant help, is not managing her finances responsibly. She believes the sister should be more financially savvy and responsible. You resent that your sacrifices might be enabling his sister’s irresponsible and lazy behavior.
Your feelings are valid, Arden. It’s okay to feel how you feel. Your emotions and efforts are valid and deserve recognition. It is important for you to feel supported and understood. I think that you need to have open and honest conversations with your husband. Express your feelings to him calmly and clearly, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel hurt and overlooked when my efforts are not acknowledged.”
Establish clear boundaries regarding financial support for extended family. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being. If necessary, and if possible, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor for strategies for effective communication and coping with these feelings.
Engage in activities that bring you some joy and relaxation. Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially during emotionally challenging times.
Reflect on your values and priorities. Understanding what you truly want and need can guide your decisions and actions moving forward.
I hope that your life improves and that peace of mind takes the place of distress and conflict!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
“I strive for inner peace – my form of happiness – (but)…I still hear those who don’t like me more than those who do like me”-
– It’s really tough when negative voices seem to overshadow the positive ones. Perhaps you can make a conscious effort to pay attention to, and remember the positive things people say about you. Maybe.. keep a “compliments journal” to remind yourself of the good things people appreciate about you.
If certain people or situations are consistently negative, try to limit or remove your exposure to them altogether. Try to surround yourself with supportive and positive individuals who uplift you.
“I thought I was a calm person, but inside I am constantly running. My mind has been on the run every second of my life.. taking me further and further from my happiness”-
– Practicing mindfulness and meditation can help calm your mind and bring you back to the present moment. Even a few minutes each day can make a difference. Writing down your thoughts and feelings, here in your journal- thread, can provide you with clarity and release pent-up emotions. It can also help you identify patterns and triggers that contribute to your restless mind.
“when I have my ‘low’ moment like now, I feel incredibly stupid.. I feel so stupid that I think that I have some troubles when reading your REAL troubles.. my sensitivity = stupidity”-
– It’s important to remember that feeling low and sensitive does not make you stupid. Our emotions can sometimes overwhelm us, but that doesn’t diminish your intelligence or value. It’s okay to feel low and it’s okay to be sensitive. Everyone has moments of vulnerability. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have tough moments and that they do not define you. When you catch yourself thinking negatively about your sensitivity or intelligence, try to challenge those thoughts.
Sensitivity can be a strength. It allows you to connect deeply with others, empathize, and understand their experiences. Embrace your sensitivity as a unique and valuable part of who you are. Your sensitivity is a beautiful part of you!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
You are welcome. What a powerful testimony to the effectiveness of keeping a gratitude journal!
Indeed, writing down things you’re grateful for helps shift your focus from what’s lacking or negative in your life to what’s positive and abundant. This can lead to a more optimistic outlook, reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety and help create a sense of contentment and well-being. It can also help build emotional resilience and strengthen relationships.
“Long term, I still need to find a solution for the work situation but this has definitely helped me focus on what I have and how lucky I am and realize that this is just a job and does not define me.“- I hope that long-term, you will find a solution for the work situation.
Good to read that, as I understand it, your identity and self-worth are not solely tied to your job/ work situation; that your values, interests, relationships, and other aspects of your life contribute to who you are as a person. It is important to find balance and fulfillment in various areas of life, rather than solely relying on work to define one’s sense of self.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Mahvash:
You are welcome!
“I feel like there is no reason to be happy and feel like my world has ended“- I am sorry that you feel this way. I felt similarly for a long time.
“I tried a lot to overcome all of this but feel helpless. I keep on thinking about things and don’t know what to do“- it’s really tough to feel helpless, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. To gain clarity and take effective action, it helps to (1) Break down a (big) problem into smaller, manageable pieces. Focusing on one aspect at a time can make it feel less overwhelming, (2) Identify your needs, values, and goals in your marriage and otherwise.
“I feel like my husband doesn’t respect and love me at all… I feel like maybe I don’t have any good qualities even though I earn good and support my family. I can’t keep my heads off from this thinking which is affecting my overall mental health… I feel like I am getting insulted and disrespected by my husband and don’t know how to ignore and come out of this“-
– notice you wrote “I feel like my husband doesn’t respect and love me at all… I feel like I am getting insulted and disrespected by my husband”. Your feelings are important. There are valid reasons for how you feel. I would like to understand your reasons better, therefore I ask: can you share an example or a few examples of disrespectful and/ or insulting words or behavior on his part?
“If you can suggest anything that would be great help“- 1- Be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel uncertain and take time to make decisions. Self-compassion is crucial during difficult times.
2- Prioritize your physical health by getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals, and staying active. Physical well-being can have a significant impact on mental health.
3. Over time, patiently identify * your needs, values and goals, * the specific problems in your marriage, * possible underlying issues that may be contributing to your feelings (past experiences often influence how we perceive others’ actions in the present time).
4. Consider all options that are available to you, including the potential outcomes of each: this can help you be & feel more informed and empowered to make a choice, or choices.
5. Take small, actionable steps toward solutions. Taking action, even in small ways, can lead to positive change and a sense of empowerment.
6. Remind yourself of your strengths, your accomplishments, your positive qualities, such as the one you mentioned (“I earn good and support my family“), and congratulate yourself for every step you take toward a better life.
7. Reach out to supportive friends and family (if any exist)/ to support groups perhaps, for a sense of belonging and support. I am here to listen to you empathetically and without judgment: it may help you to feel less alone.
In the beginning of my reply, I shared that I felt similarly for a long time. I feel way better than I used to feel back then. There is hope and you don’t have to face this alone. Healing takes time, but with the right support, you can work towards finding a measure of happiness and new meaning.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Mahvash:
Please tell me/ us about your severe depression: what is it about, how does it feel.. what are the thoughts involved?
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Klast?
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Tom?
anita
anitaParticipantI hope you are well, Zenith!
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Arie?
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 