Dear Tee:

I hope writing this long message (sitting) didn’t hurt you…?

I read your whole message and I like everything you wrote 🙏 🙏 🙏

I have a piece of good news: last night I slept much better than the 2 nights before. I think that the severe lack of sleep contributed to my elevated anxiety (at times it was scary and the thought of going to urgent care for new medication crossed my mind) and to the severe increase of motor and vocal tics. This morning there’s a significant improvement in both. I’d like to think that your prayers are part of the improvement 🙏 🙏 🙏

I’ll come back to your message later and respond further.

🙏 🤍 🫶 🤍 🙏

Dear Tee:

“Thank you so much for your prayers”- let’s keep praying for each other!

“You said you’ve recently started to pray again, and I see it as good sign, an opening towards something beyond, an opening that was closed due to the hopelessness of your life with your mother? You said you used to pray as a child (sorry, forgot what it was that you prayed for: for your pain to stop, but also for your mother, right?)”-

I prayed for her to not kill herself. I didn’t pray for “my pain” because in my mind she existed, I didn’t; her pain existed big-time.. I didn’t. It was all about her. She was center stage, I was nowhere to be seen.

“but your prayers got unanswered, and so you stopped praying… and stopped believing, I guess?”- It was answered, looking back, in the sense that she remained alive.. (alive to continue to torture me)

“I’m so sorry about the loss of the winery… it seems it’s been operating with a loss for some time, given that you’ve been trying to sell it? I hope the money you got for it is not just a tiny fraction of what was invested”-

Thank you, Tee. The expenses were so huge (including a huge regular pay into insurance in case there’ll be lawsuits, and so many, many other costs), that there was never a profit to reach the few owners of the business.

The new owners have done their best to minimize the tiny fraction.

“but I can imagine it’s a very bad feeling, not just from the financial standpoint, but also because it was something you invested a lot of your hard work and effort, and yet, it couldn’t be sustained 😢”-

My goodness, Tee- I worked so much.. picking apples into huge bins, dropping rotten apples (which were not picked, later in the season) off the many thousand of trees (41 acres), picking corn and squash from the fields where they were grown, weeding, removing the plastic and tubes from the fields after the picking of squash; pruning trees, cutting invasive blackberries and Mullens… washing dishes, drying dishes, cleaning bathroom, dusting, wiping surfaces, sweeping, vacuuming.. moving heavy tables and chairs from here to there many (many!) dozens of times (for events) and so much more, depending on the need, day in and day out.

“But it’s good to hear that you’re not in an immediate danger of losing your home, and that you’re not too worried about it”- I am not. BUT I neglected it big-time, being focused on the winery.. Just got mice traps after horrifying meeting with mice in the last couple of nights.. which added to my anxiety!

“Yes! I hope there’s a plan for the post-winery period, which includes the financial dealings and never becoming homeless! 🤞 🙏”- thank you, Tee. First plan: CLEAN, ORGANIZE, REMOVE the too much stuff laying everywhere.. and mice (if I come across a rat in the house, I’ll be beside-beside-beside myself, scared to death!)

“As for the situation with the taproom owner… I understand your anger and disappointment that people didn’t feel too much empathy, and didn’t bother to pay a visit (except 2 of them) before the winery’s final closing 😕”-

And the people who did show up, quite a few- were looking for freebies, or the lowest cost purchases from a dying/ closing business, like vultures.

“I’m sorry you’re thinking of never going to the taproom again, since that’s the place where you’ve forged some good relationships.. but I understand that if only 2 out of dozens of people there showed interest in the winery’s destiny, that you don’t feel like socializing with them again…

“I’m sorry this has affected you so much.. I guess you’ve been anticipating the sale of the winery for some time, but you haven’t anticipated that people would be so neutral about it, not really empathizing with you, not bothering to come and visit. I guess that’s what really hurts…😕”-

I was in denial of sorts that it was really on sale. I was hoping for a miracle.

“But yeah, try to remain cool-headed in terms of figuring out your next steps and making the best possible decision, considering the circumstances.”- well, I got mice traps… Oh, by the way, found a dead rat at the winery this afternoon, removed it with a broom, threw it in the fields.. couldn’t stop smelling it for a while.. May I not come across a rat here, in the house (scared face emoji).

“Wishing you strength and good fortune in this new chapter 🙏 I know it’s not what you wanted, but there isn’t much you can do about it but to accept it, and try to make the best of it..🙏 🤍 🫶”-

Thank you, Tee. Tomorrow, Thurs., Dec 4.. I will no longer have access to the winery, and the day after, Friday, the day I’ve been there every Fri for 4 years meeting customers.. I won’t be there. This change, this shift is devastating.. but I think I’m adjusting to it tonight. I think I’m starting to relax into this new reality.

🙏 🤍 🫶 Anita

* I just noticed, Gerald, that my earlier reply to you was reported for inappropriate content.. any idea about it?

Oh, I just saw your recent message with all the white hearts, THANK YOU!!!

Dear Tee:

I pray that you are okay and not in pain.

“As for the situation with the taproom owner, have you ever invited him to come visit the winery? Was he promising but never got to actually do it?”-

No to both questions. It bothered me in the past that we were good customers in his business (the taproom, for years) and he never came by to the winery, never a customer.. not even coming by to look at it. But somehow, I suppressed that disappointment and it erupted (the disappointment) yesterday for the first time.. because it’s really closed, no more days with customers and friends. The finality of it hit me yesterday.

About praying, as a child, I prayed to the stars: “Please keep my mother alive”. I had no experience with the Jewish religion other than eating religious holiday foods and- on Saturday mornings- hearing prayers from a synagogue, at a distance.

In my 20s, I came across a born-again Christian in Israel, and the “Jews for Jesus” group in Israel (the 1980s) and later, got together with a born again Christian community in LA- and there, I learned to pray.. “In Jesus Name”. I am not necessarily a Christian, but that’s my only context of praying (other than to the stars).

At this very moment, I am hearing a troubling conversation.. the new owners are greedy and causing problems.. this is a NIGHTMARE! I need a heavy duty tranquilizer.. alcohol is not doing it for me.

Sorry for this negative message. It’s like.. Well, I have to go down there and help move things around..

Please pray for me, Tee.. please do. My anxiety is very elevated, my tics intense.. I am trying to calm myself down…

Please do pray for me.

Anita