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anitaParticipantDear me: I didn’t notice your message until just now.. and am not focused enough to give you my opinion. I’ll get back to you first thing Mon morning, please add any more information that can help me understand better before I’m back to you in the morning.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
“I hope this means you’re touched with what I wrote about finding your true self, and believing, finally, that you’re a good and worthy person 🤍 Finally accepting the truth of who you are 🌟”-
Believing, finally.. that I am “a good and worthy person”- reads almost too good to be true, these words being about me, that is. I want to add these words to my daily mantra, “I am a good and worthy person”.
“It seems you’re in the middle of the grieving process (denial, anger, and now depression), and that acceptance is still hard, because it seems like a great loss. And yes, it’s a significant loss, in which you lost a way of life that you cherished so much.”-
I am glad to report to you, Tee, that the depression has lifted today (a relief!!!). I haven’t been at the now former Winery for the 2nd day, and I don’t expect to be there again. It’ll be a place for horses, no longer a public place.. No reason or purpose.. nor would it be legal for me to be there (without permission from the new owner or owners, 1 or 2 people).
A few days ago, I expressed a desire to have the wooden sign outside the (former) Winery, a sign that’s attached to the outside of the building with screws which I can’t remove, at the entrance to the building. It says the name of the winery and it has an “Open” and “Closed” removable part, which I have turned from “Closed” to “Open” and back to “Closed” numerous times.
Yesterday, later in the day, I received the whole sign as a gift. I was thrilled! That sign has been there for about TWENTY ONE years, ever since this Winery has been open to the public.. and it has meant so much to a lot of people.
The Sign is Mine..!!!
“But even as it is hard and painful, I don’t consider it a devastating loss, because you still have all your capacities, including your health, to turn a new page and use your skills and talents in a new endeavor.”-
Well, I am glad to report to you, Tee, that after the lowest day I had yesterday; today I completed the 3.5 mile walk I used to take before the Winery (and rarely during the Winery), and after the walk I spent 2.5 hours doing some desperately needed cleaning and organizing work in the kitchen.. Just the very beginning, so much more needs to be done.
Later on, after the cleaning+, I want to be involved in some volunteer work.. maybe helping older people who are facing the end of life.. Like in a nursery home.
“You’re now trying to soothe your pain with alcohol, but it’s never a good choice. I think that’s how you can really harm yourself. Try to sit with your pain instead, breathe through it, stay present, and perhaps tell yourself an affirmation, something like you’ve been already doing:… Perhaps come up with another mantra or affirmation for this grieving process, something that will anchor you in your true self (kind, loving, hard-working, helpful). This may help you focus on what you’ve gained, not what you’ve lost. 🤍 🙏”-
Mantra: “I am a good and worthy person. I am a kind, loving, hard working and helpful”.. Too many adjectives.
What I have gained in these last 4 years is self-worth/ a positive self-image. It makes ALL the difference, Tee!
“You’ve said some very important things about the nature of your involvement with the Winery:.. I hear you… you never thought you were competent of worthy to be in charge, to make big, financial decisions. To be an owner. You felt better in the role of a helper – helping the owner(s), but not feeling good enough to offer your opinion, i.e. participate in decision making.
“And yeah, that’s typical for people with lack of self-worth. I’ve experienced it too: I felt incompetent to say things, offer ideas for improvement, in a place I’ve worked for a while. The place later went out of business, due to poor management, and I regretted I’ve never said anything… perhaps it wouldn’t have made a difference, but perhaps it would. Anyway, it was too late, the place was closed.”-
SAME HERE, Tee, just what I feel!
“And I’ve later realized I was operating on a false belief that I have nothing of value to say. That my ideas and opinions are not important. That nobody would care what I have to say. Well, in this particular company perhaps the leadership wouldn’t care, but still, I would have felt better if I did say it. But it was my lack of self-worth that prevented me…”-
I am reading and responding to each part of your post before reading the next part, and what you’re saying is.. as if I said it myself!
“And that’s why I’m very happy that you’ve decided to never again silence yourself, negate yourself, consider yourself a non-entity: “I promise you, Tee- I will never again consider myself a non-entity in a mini-world where others know better. No! I do know better!!!” That’s fantastic to hear! I hope this will be another of your motives and principles in the future: to not annul yourself, but to be a subject in your own life. Not only a helper, but also a creator of your own destiny.”-
Oh, my goodness, Tee.. Tears in my eyes. I will be kind and helpful and hard-working- but I WILL NEVER ANNUL MYSELF, N.E.V.E.R A.G.A.I.N!!!
“I hope that with time, you’ll calm down and accept the idea that the Winery era is gone, but you’re still going strong. And then you might come up with other meaningful ways to spend your days. Because cleaning your home is certainly not very uplifting or fulfilling, at least not on the long run.”-
I’m thinking of volunteering in an old people’s home, old being late 70s, 80s, 90s- to uplift them before they die.
Yes, the Winery era has died. But I didn’t die. And there are so many people that need help.
“So perhaps there will be another endeavor, even a business venture, where you’ll feel motivated to be a part of. And perhaps have more say in it than before?”- don’t want a business venture, no!
It was never my idea to buy a Winery or any business, too anxious about money. I just accommodated someone else’s desire.. and found myself, over time, falling in love with the now former Winery.
I have photos and videos I took over time. Tee, you should have been there. So many people, stories.. flashes of LIFE. Of hopes and dreams.
“So I see this as a new beginning and a new opportunity for you to shine your light… and I hope the depression will lift soon enough! 🤞”- Again, I am relieved.. Actually, I am thrilled that my depression has lifted today!
Talking to you, Tee, is a huge part (!!!) of the improvement I am experiencing today. You are making a real difference for me. 🙏 🙏 🙏
🤍 🫶 🙏 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
I’m taking a bit of a break from the topic (and from alcohol) today. I feel calmer and I don’t want to get emotional at this time, but I will read and reply this late afternoon or evening.
Eternally Grateful to you, and hope and pray for you.
🤞 🤍 🫶 🙏
anitaParticipantHi Alessa:
I hear your great love, compassion and concern for your son. Maybe, just maybe part of the study above can help..?
By the way, I love your blue heart emojis, thank you!!!
🤍 🩵 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Everyone:
I’d like to share my study this morning:
Non‑dual means “not two.” In traditions like BUDDHISM and ADVAITA VEDANTA (I’d refer to it as AVE), both originated in India, reality is seen as one unified whole. The division between “me” and “the world,” or “good” and “bad,” is considered a mental construction.
From this view, pain itself may exist, but the suffering comes from the mind’s stories — expectations, judgments, and resistance. For example: You feel pain in your body. That’s real. But when the mind says, “This shouldn’t be happening, I’ll never be happy again,” that’s where suffering multiplies.
The “ego” here means the sense of a separate self that clings to desires and fears. If you let go of that clinging, the suffering dissolves, even if pain remains.
In non‑dual philosophy, everything that happens is seen as part of the whole. Judging events as “right” or “wrong” is considered an ego activity — it divides reality into categories. Example: A storm destroys a village. From a human perspective, that’s tragic. From a non‑dual perspective, it’s simply “what is.” The storm isn’t morally wrong; it’s part of nature.
Some mystics extend this to say even atrocities are “just what is.” This is where it becomes controversial, because it can sound like excusing harm. To someone living through trauma, saying “there is no right or wrong” can feel dismissive or dangerous.
Buddhism and AVE both talk about suffering and “right/wrong,” but they approach it differently:
* Buddhism- The Buddha taught that suffering (dukka) is real and comes from desire, craving, and attachment. Buddhism does not deny morality. In fact, it emphasizes ethical living through the Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path (right view, right speech, right action, etc.). The Key idea: Suffering can be reduced by living ethically, practicing mindfulness, and letting go of unhealthy desires. Buddhism says: “Yes, suffering exists. Live ethically and mindfully to ease it.”
* AVE- it teaches that from the highest perspective/ from the ULTIMATE LEVEL, everything is Brahman- pure consciousness; the absolute reality. Good and bad are distinctions made by the mind, but in truth, all is one. Suffering comes from ignorance — believing we are separate individuals rather than part of one universal consciousness. From this perspective, distinctions like “good” and “evil,” “criminal” and “victim,” are part of māyā (illusion). They don’t exist in the absolute sense because all is one.
AVE also recognizes the vyavahārika satya (“conventional truth”), which is the everyday world we live in. In this realm, karma, dharma, and ethics still apply. People are held responsible for their actions, and justice matters.
Śaṅkara (the key AVE philosopher) himself emphasized that while ultimate reality is non‑dual, in daily life one must follow ethical duties (dharma) and social responsibilities. AVE says: “Suffering seems to exist, but ultimately it’s illusion. Realize your true Self and it disappears.” It does not encourage ignoring or excusing atrocities. Instead, it says: “On the highest level, good and evil dissolve into oneness.” On the everyday level, ethical responsibility and justice remain essential.This two‑tiered view (ultimate vs. conventional truth) is similar to Buddhism’s distinction between absolute truth and relative truth. It distinguishes between two levels of truth: the ultimate (absolute) and the conventional (everyday). At the ultimate level, all distinctions dissolve into oneness, but at the conventional level, ethical duties and justice remain essential.
Think of Brahman as the ocean. Waves can be calm or violent, but the ocean itself is not “good” or “evil.” It simply is. Human suffering and atrocities are like stormy waves — real at the surface, but ultimately part of the same ocean.
* In Christianity, God is wholly good and ethics matter always; moral responsibility is central. in AVE, Brahman is beyond good/evil categories. Ethics matter in daily life, but dissolve at ultimate level.
Mystics often say: Live by relative truth, realize ultimate truth.
A simple analogy- Think of a movie:
Relative truth: The story, characters, and drama are real while you’re watching.
Ultimate truth: Behind it all, it’s just light on a screen. (The Blank Canvas, Peter).In short: Relative truth is the world of appearances and ethics; ultimate truth is the deeper reality where dualities dissolve. Both are valid, but they operate at different levels.
AVE Advaita emphasizes vairāgya (detachment). This doesn’t mean indifference, but freedom from being emotionally tossed around by ups and downs. You can feel calm even in difficult situations.
In Buddhism, non‑duality (emptiness, śūnyatā) means no one exists independently. This insight often leads to greater compassion: if all beings are interconnected, helping others feels natural. Non‑duality dissolves the feeling of isolation. Believers often describe feeling “at home” in the universe, connected to everything and everyone.
Emotional benefits: If you believe that your true self (Ātman in Advaita, or awareness in Buddhism) is beyond birth and death, then fear of loss, illness, or even death lessens. You see these as temporary appearances, not ultimate reality. Non‑duality teaches that clinging to “me vs. you,” “success vs. failure,” or “gain vs. loss” creates suffering. Realizing that all is one helps loosen these attachments, bringing emotional balance.
Believing in non‑duality doesn’t erase pain, but it changes the emotional relationship to pain and joy. Instead of being trapped in fear, grief, or attachment, you cultivate calm, compassion, and a sense of unity.
End of study.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear me: Well, I am looking forward to you starting a new thread. I can see what you mean by you not seeing a point. You need a strong, reliable woman, one you can depend on and not having to guess about.. is my understanding.
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantI suppose the thread is ongoing, Feelings for coworker.. who likes nature pictures and.. you!
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
I’m back from the taproom, the owner wasn’t there. He’s never there on Saturdays. It’s the first Sat I was there in 4+ years (been at the Winery every Sat for 4+ years). I was quiet and subdued there, this evening, burst out crying only once. Saw a lot of people (a Christmas lighting event, so lots of people stopped by the taproom). It was a good experience overall.
I’ve been told this evening that I need to cut down on my drinking- first time I’ve been told that. I did no exercise and no work today and drank a whole bottle of wine this late morning- early afternoon, remembering nothing from one point on. I never drank as much and as fast as I drank today.
And the house is a total mess. I need to get my act together now and tomorrow.
I just don’t know what to do with TIME when I am no longer engaged at the Winery. I mean, there’s lots of work to do here, it’s just that I got so attached and invested in being THERE.
THERE felt like home.
On a regular Sat, I would be there right now, over 30 minutes of it still being open. When events took place, it’d be another 4 hours of being there. And then, the day after (Sun), I’d be cleaning after the event.
So, tomorrow, Sun- no Winery and no taproom (it’s closed on Sundays), So..
I would like to update you tomorrow, Tee, about me cleaning the house and setting that as a new routine.
🙏 🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
I just read your recent message with tears rolling down my eyes…
After I posted last, very tipsy, I went to bed (don’t even remember that part). Didn’t even have my first shower today.
I think that I may be going (not driving, but driven) to the taproom next for socialization.. If so, I’ll write to you after I’m back.
What a day, what a strange time (if I figure right, this may have been the first day of never setting foot in the Winery property ever again.
🙏 🤍 🫶 🙏
anitaParticipantHa, ha Me.. just good to read back from you, no matter what she says.. She has jobs interviews back in Taiwan..?
anitaParticipantWhatever more comes to mind, however it does (trigger warnings of all kinds):
As the Winery dies, actually, in practice, it died a week and a day ago-
I .. STILL MISS THE PLACE S.O M.U.C.H.. If only I could move time backward and have JUST ONE MORE DAY.
The longing is intense, and so are the tears and crying.
The Finality of it.. The place, the experience MEANT SO MUCH to me.
If only I could have another moment, another Feel of it.
But again, what is it that I miss the most..?
The feeling inside me that I am a good person, like people have said about me: “She’s the hardest working person I’ve ever seen”, and: “Anita, oh, she’s wonderful, she helps everyone.. she never stops, she just keeps going ang going..”
That loss hurts the most.. like my newly-found self-worth is tied to the Winery, and as it’s gone, no longer there.. So is my newly found self-worth.
.. And, Tee, back to our conversation about mothers.. HOW DARE she all THOSE YEARS, all those decades- push on the message that I was Bad and Lazy when it was NEVER TRUE.
(Whatever comes to mind)- her messages- day in, day out- “You’re bad, you’re selfish, you’re cold, you’re uncaring, you’re evil, you don’t love..”- on and on and on- it put my life in hold for half a century+. And all along, those were lies, those were LIES.
Why did she do this to me..? (tears on my face and wine in my system)-
She didn’t let me LIVE.
“People of the Lie”- her dark, dark eyes and smile as she saw me hurt.
How to feel empathy for evil?
To acknowledge one’s mother as evil.. yet, that’s what it was, what she/ it was. No longer human.
The way she went about making me suffer.. and then she bought me cake.
So, okay, it’s time for me to acknowledge the truth: there really is such A thing as evil. It’s not the cartoonish portrayal of evil, it’s in a.. mother’s face, voice, sentiment, mild smile.
Time to let her/ it/ go..?
The more I reject her, let her go, the more I accept myself as.. not at all someone she/ it said I was.
I say “it” because “it” is what I lived with.
What do I need to remember that I haven’t yet remember..?
I think it was its desire to kil me, to “murder” me, her wordS.
I think that she wanted to do that for a long, long time.
Why would she say those words, with that passion, if that’s not what she wanted to do, TO KILL ME.
I didn’t, couldn’t expect comfort from her (other than the cake, food, toys) because.. truth is, she wanted to kill me. She just controlled herself and didn’t do the deed. But that’s what she wanted (drinking more wine so to get in touch with what’s there more to get in touch with, to uncover)-
.. She wanted to kill me all along.
I never knew if I’d be alive the next day.
She wanted to kill me all along.
That’s what she wanted.
Black eyes, smile at seeing me in pain, that was just a prelude, a preparation to how much better it’d be for her if she finished me off.
Strange, to live like that.. and it’s not that she wanted to kill me every day or every night, or moment.. just any other day or night, or moment.
And then there’d be cake- chocolate, marzipan cake.
Death by marzipan. (DBM..?)
To live day in and day out with someone (so happens to be a “mother”) who threatens Murder..
I think I’ve done my best with what it was..
(Very tipsy.. getting to more truth.. Whatever comes to mind)-
Very dark eyes, PLEASURE at seeing me hurt.. seeing in my visible hurt an invitation for more pleasure on her part, to see more of my pain.. My total destruction had an allure for her.. so much more pleasure possible for her.. if she finished me off.
Why not, just a bit more…something held her from that desired. She wanted me dead, just couldn’t face the social consequence/ judgment..
Still, letting it be, whatever comes to mind, unearthing the buried..
Strange, unlike cartoons. or like cartoons.. Truth.. She wanted me dead.
Well, wait, what did I write right above?
Me: Yes, she wanted me dead. She just didn’t know of how to make it happen.
Just waiting for the right circumstance, to not get blamed or be held responsible.
Me: She wanted me dead.
.. Are you sure?
Me: She said it. She said she wanted me dead.
.. Are you sure?
Me: She said.. she said.. She said, she said.. “I will murder you” and she meant it, she was ready to do it.
… Why didn’t she.. You’re alive, you know.
Me: she kept me alive because it wouldn’t look right if she murdered me.. People would say things..
She cared a lot about what people will say.
… I don’t know who is saying what at this point.
But my point nonetheless is that.. (Anita is saying this) that my mother/ It.. repeatedly expressed a desire to murder me. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly.. that was just something she wanted to do.
.. Something she wanted to do, for real?
Yes, something she wanted to do. She thought I deserved death.
.. Are those the cats’ foot prints at night real..?
Don’t know, there were no real cats back then.. Just her desire, a real desire, to kill me… No, no.. She really, she really did want to murder me, it’s just that she didn’t find the right circumstances.. didn’t find ENOUGH emotional support to do the deed.. She needed a bit more okay-ing it, and then she would have done it.
She wanted to kill you, really?
.. Yes, my point, yes, she really did. Nothing much I am more sure about: yes, she wanted me dead.
Why..?
Because she HATED me. She just hated me.. so very much.
Why.?
She needed someone to hate, and I was there.. someone to hate.
Why you?
.. Because I (it) was easy to hate.
And she needed?
.. Someone to hate, someone who will not resist, someone who will accept her hate as something deserved,
And you accepted it?
.. yes, that’s what she needed; that’s what I offered back.
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
“This Topic is intended to be about thoughts on flow, on stepping off the raft, and perhaps discovering heaven beneath our feet.”-
As I came to understand only 10 minutes ago, in my own thread, Flow is possible for me only if I think highly of myself- not in a grandiose, Narcissistic way, of course- but me approving of myself as a good, helpful, hard-working person. Only then I can step off the raft and feel heaven (“I am okay after all! I am worthy, I am good!”) under my feet.
That’s what’s been missing all along.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
A few days ago, I did a little research on another thread, and when I did, I thought of sharing part of it and developing it with you, but didn’t until today. I wrote there: “Ancient Perspectives on Fate and Will-… Stoics like Epictetus and Seneca emphasized the freedom of our internal will – our ability to choose our attitude and response to events, even if the events themselves are fated. Amor fati (love of one’s fate) was their path to tranquility.”
Today, Copilot: “Amor fati means ‘love of fate.’ It’s a Latin phrase that expresses the idea of embracing everything that happens in life—both the joys and the hardships—as necessary, meaningful, and even good…. Philosophical attitude: Accepting and even welcoming all events in life, including suffering, loss, and setbacks, as part of the whole picture of existence.
“Mindset shift: Instead of resisting or regretting what happens, one learns to see challenges as opportunities for growth and to live without wishing things were different.
“Example in Daily Life- Imagine losing a job. Instead of despairing, amor fati would mean embracing the event as part of your path—perhaps as the push needed to discover a new career or personal growth…
“Nietzsche’s view: To love fate means to affirm life so completely that even suffering is not just endured but embraced as part of the whole…
“while the exact phrase amor fati is not native to Christian mysticism, the underlying idea of embracing suffering and fate as part of divine providence is deeply present… Even when life feels unbearable, mystics emphasize that God’s will is ultimately oriented toward good, even if it’s hidden. Loving God’s will means trusting that suffering is not the final word.’-
So, this late morning, I will give this a try: I am not despairing over the loss of the winery, the fact that it’s no longer there and never will again. I no longer resist its ending and with it, an ending of my 4 long years of way of life, for me. I think that the thing I loved most about it is who I found myself to be: social, empathetic, helpful, hard-working. very heard-working (SO THHERE, Mother.. anger there). I had so much excellent socialization. honest, felt so good.
It’s the me (myself) that I experienced in a new way- someone even I liked, someone.. I looked up to at times! Ahh! A unique experience!!!
The Winery is lost forever (It still hits me hard, tears in my eyes!!!)
But I am not lost, who I found myself to be- is not lost.
Nor who I found myself to be as a result of my communication with you, Tee!
I didn’t lose, or don’t to lose me as someone I like. I can keep being someone I approve of, as I repeat my daily mantra (adjusted following your input, Tee): “I peel off chronic shame, chronic guilt and self-doubt/ distrust in me, replacing these with love for myself, with being on my side, while the adult part of me keeps me accountable for my words and actions today and every day. Amen”.
Anita
anitaParticipantHi Alessa:
“I’m so sorry that it is an especially hard day for you. The end of a beautiful chapter of your life. It is hard to let go of such beautiful memories. 🤍”- Thank you, Alessa 🙏
“Hmm well Buddhism suggests empathy is the antidote to anger. Can you find it in your heart to empathise with the taproom owner? Or the customers who showed up for a bargain? Knowing you, I’m sure that you have it in you, when you are ready. But please it can wait, take care of yourself and your pain first. 🤍”- how gentle you are, Alessa. You are amazing!
Yes, I will practice empathy for them when I can. I’ll keep your suggestion in mind 🙏🙏
Oh, I have a question: how do I feel empathy to this man from the Winery who used the sale to get extra bargains, like 50% off a case of wine instead of the offered 40% off as well as bargain to pay 1/8 of a price of a wine Barral instead of a 1/7 already offered. This man I’m talking about, a regular customer.. I used to pick and give him bags of free apples, corn, squash, etc., every season, etc., and keep in mind he is quite wealthy. How do I take off that bad taste from my mouth when I think of him..? And should I..?
“Bad things happen, good things happen. Chapters end and chapters begin. Comparing to past experiences can give perspective. If you have survived hard times before, you know that you can survive them again. 🤍 What do you think?”-
I think I’ll survive it. Interesting how I’ve been depressed recently for the first time in over 10 years. This morning I didn’t even look forward to being here, on tiny buddha, didn’t find meaning in it.. for the first time in over 10 years.
“Please take extra care of yourself today, you deserve it. I think that was a lovely compliment that you got and it was right. You DO always try and take care of everyone. Please don’t forget to take care of yourself. 🤍🤍🤍”- 🙏🙏🙏
“It occurred to me that it might help lessen the pain to make plans and connect with the people you care about from the winery.”-
I thought about it, yes, but these days are still hectic.
Thank you for adjusting your hearts color for me, I appreciate your efforts, even when habit takes over once in a while and a red heart appears. And by the way, I can see the white hearts on my screen very well.
Question: it’s way easier for me to quote and respond like the above. I am not absolutely sure: is it okay with you? (if it’s not.. I will adjust).
🤍🙏🙏🙏🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear James:
“Ego activity feels heavy, based on compulsive thinking and planning. Lastly, deeply know that not you, but the greatest power in control.”- I will do my best to minimize ego activity and focus on my soul (the non-ego part of me) and try to think/ talk/ act from the soul.
“All you need to do is digesting that you can not control.”- When I can’t control circumstances, I may be able to control or choose my attitude about the circumstances. Currently I want to experience a letting go of attachment to old circumstances that no longer exist and never will.
“Therefore, the relief that you need will hit you inevitably.”- Thank you, James 🙏
“Even with your birth, you didn’t choose your family, county, religion, friends. Your all difficulties now just accumulation of your past, the environment you lived in and circumstances.”- indeed, a whole lot that I didn’t choose and a whole lot that I still can’t choose. But my attitude, my understandings, my words.. These I can choose.
🤍 Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 