Continued:

I see a need to let go of idealizing what was actually a fragile connection and to grieve the fantasy. What you lost was the dream, the potential, the version of him you saw in the beginning, the feeling of being understood, the intensity of the connection.

But intensity ≠ stability, chemistry ≠ compatibility and closeness ≠ safety

When you told him about the key, I think that you were trying to be perfectly honest, so to keep the relationship safe, as in more honesty = more safety.

But with someone as insecure and reactive as him, more honesty = more instability. Insecure partners often interpret honesty as threat, not reassurance.

I looked at parallels with what you shared about your relationship with Philip in the original post in this thread (June 19, 2025) and what you shared yesterday in regard to your relationship with W.

In both cases, the same pattern shows up. You choose men who are intense, inconsistent, and emotionally unpredictable. At first, the connection feels magical, so you ignore the red flags. Then you start to feel insecure and afraid of losing them, so you over‑explain, confess things you don’t need to confess, or test the relationship. These men pull away, get angry, or shut down when things get difficult, which makes you panic and blame yourself.

Both men blocked you when they felt overwhelmed, and both relationships left you feeling confused, guilty, and heartbroken. The truth is, this isn’t about one specific man — it’s a cycle. You’re drawn to men who can’t give you emotional safety, and your anxiety gets triggered in the same way each time. Understanding this pattern is the first step toward choosing someone who can offer the stability and kindness you deserve.

What do you think, Emma, what do you think attracts you to these men?

🤍 Anita

Good morning, Confused:

As I reread what you wrote yesterday on the topic of trust, I am curious about what you meant by “I think I only trust people in superficial things (like cheating, because I can’t control it)”???

🤍 Anita

I was wrong, Jaz, you posted a second time on Aept 29, 2015, on a second thread you started, but didn’t post again on that second thread.

Dear Emma:

I need to re-read your long post of about 6 hours ago tomorrow morning (when I have use of a 🖥.) For now, after first reading: how lovely it was in the beginning. It made me smile to read how comfortable you felt with each other.

Trouble started, if I understand correctly, over the key 🔑 issue. That triggered his jealousy and insecurity.

Seems like you told him about it because you were confused maybe, you wanted to be 100% honest with him..? You meant well, or at the least, you definitely didn’t intend to hurt W. You didn’t think thoroughly about it.

Having read about his words and behaviors, seems to me that it was just a matter of time before there’d be problems, even without the key 🔑 issue.

Maybe it’s about two individuals with trouble regulating emotions, getting confused and overreacting.

The whole thing was a month long- enough time to Hope and Dream and Wish 🤞 but when emotions get too intense, anxiety, anger.. on both sides, what are the chances for a stable, long-term relationship?

More tomorrow. If you get a chance to read this before I return- in about 14 hours from now- and would like to respond to my thoughts, or fill in blind spots I may have, please 🙏 do.

🤍 🐕 🐈 Anita

* Responsibility, Engulfment, Disappointing. RED 🙂

Just came back from a solo walk after the walk with Bogart. Bogart was named after the 40s movie star 🌟 Humphrey Bogart. I am glad 😊 you have a cute cat 🐈 sleeping besides you.

By the way, if you noticed all these emojis, they show up automatically when I’m using my phone. And the reason I’m using my 📱 is because Bogart caused the destruction of my 🖥. Well, we both destroyed my computer, to be fair.

I will read and reply further later.

🤍 Anita

Hello God:

I wasn’t aware that a group of nearly two dozen Buddhist monks 🧘‍♂️began a 2,300‑mile walk from Fort Worth, Texas to Washington, D.C., promoting peace, unity, compassion, and national healing, a walk that began October 1, 2025 and is still ongoing, a walk that is expected to end at the White House.

Have you been following the walk on social media or did you come across the monks in person?

Please share what’s been most exciting or moving for you in regard to the walk 🙏

🤍 Anita

Dear Milda:

This is my final post in your thread (unless you revisit and post here again).

My experience: I was shaped by Childhood Chronic Emotional Neglect, Ongoing Emotional Abuse and the Fawn‑Based Survival Strategy that being chronic and ongoing, led to severe self-erasure.

My body learned long ago: “Mother upset = danger.”, “I am upsetting her= I must disappear.”.

I have carried Conditioned, Programmed Guilt, not moral guilt. I was trained to believe that when she feels badly, it means, I am “bad”, and my job was to become “good” by making her feel good. My nervous system interpreted boundaries with her as wrongdoing, as me being “bad”. So, I didn’t for so long that I was no longer aware of my boundaries.

My identity became fused with making her happy: “I am only valuable if I make her happy”.

I didn’t know who I was outside my dream to make her happy — which is why I had no hobbies, no sense of preference, and no friendships, and why I often felt inauthentic when interacting with people.. too eager to please.

I experienced Enmeshment Trauma- her emotions were like obligations, commands, emergencies. I was never allowed to have emotional boundaries, so saying “no” felt dangerous, disappointing someone feels catastrophic, my mother’s sadness felt like my failure. I felt guilty for having my own life, so I didn’t. This is classic enmeshment.

Her shaming, guilt-tripping and harshly critical voice became internalized.

I was stuck in an “identity void” stage of healing for a decade after I cut contact with her. I felt guilty.

When someone stops performing the role they were assigned in childhood, they enter a period where the old identity is gone, the new identity hasn’t formed. This is the in-between stage of individuation.

My biggest psychological theme has been The Fawn Response as my Primary Survival Strategy. A fawn response is a Trauma‑based Survival Strategy where someone copes with fear, conflict, or emotional threat by people‑pleasing, appeasing, or over‑accommodating others to stay safe. It’s one of the four common trauma responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn.

The fawn response develops when a child learns that the safest way to avoid emotional harm is to stay agreeable, avoid conflict, meet others’ needs immediately, suppress one own’s needs, keep the peace at all costs, say yes when one wants to say no, avoid expressing preferences, try to “fix” others’ emotions, fearing disappointing or upsetting anyone, losing one’s sense of identity because one is always adapting.

It usually forms in environments where a parent was unpredictable or emotionally immature, conflict felt dangerous, love or approval was conditional, the child had to manage the parent’s emotions and had learned that their own needs caused trouble. In those situations, being compliant becomes a way to stay safe. It’s a learned survival strategy that once protected the person but can make adult relationships confusing or exhausting.

It’s the nervous system is saying: “If I keep you happy, I won’t get hurt.”

Self‑erasure is when someone gradually loses touch with one own’s preferences, boundaries, identity, desires, one own’s voice

It’s not just suppressing needs — it’s forgetting they exist.

If someone fawns for years — especially starting in childhood — the brain learns: “My needs don’t matter.”, “My feelings cause problems.”, “I’m only safe when I disappear.”, “I exist to keep others stable.”

Over time, the person stops noticing their own inner world. They become whoever the situation needs them to be. That’s self‑erasure.

Fawning = survival strategy Self‑erasure = long‑term consequence

If someone realizes they’re fawning, they can still reconnect with themselves. If someone realizes they’ve erased themselves, the work becomes rebuilding identity, learning preferences, practicing boundaries, and so on.

🤍 Anita