Dear Peter:

Thank you for your heartfelt response. I’m glad to hear that my reflections resonated with you and helped clarify what you were trying to express. It’s truly a very meaningful dialogue for me, and I appreciate your insights and willingness to share these here.

Your reference to Hokusai’s words, “Life living through You,” and the concept of flow—being transparent to the transcendent—is striking a chord with me this morning:

“– Flow – Transparent to the Transcendent”- in this context, being “transparent” means being open and unobstructed. It suggests that ego, biases, and preconceptions (based on the past) are obstructing the experience of the present moment/ the Eternal Now.

Being transparent to the transcendent means that when I am fully engaged and immersed in the present moment (flow), I am open to and can experience higher states of consciousness or profound insights (transcendence).

“Buddha nature transcends duality and constructs… returning to stillness, silence, Love, non-duality – the Eternal Now, the source from which the experience arose”- being fully aware of the present moment, without obstructions/ distraction from past or future, promotes a sense of unity and interconnectedness with all things and a sense of inner peace, calm, and stillness.

Every present moment is seen as fully sufficient in itself, containing all the richness and depth of experience without needing to be tied to past or future moments.

Each moment holds infinite potential because it is not limited by time. It is experienced as a timeless essence.

Personally, I have been heavily obstructed by my past, living under a very dark cloud of past hurts, sadness and anger, jealousy and envy, a deep sense of injustice.

There is no way to find light under a dark cloud (beyond a moment here, a moment there, moments far in between). Got to transcend my past, to rise above it. To experience the Eternal Now.

This will need to be absorbed further, to be made a way of life in practical terms, my new way of life. You, Peter, presented this to me in a way that made it possible for me to perceive for the first time in my life. It is amazing to me!

anita

Dear Stacy, here is a poem just for you:

In the quiet hours of the night, a silent plea,
For rest, for peace, for tranquility.

The walls are thin, the noise is loud,
Restless nights and weary days,
In search of solace, gentle rays.

The need for space, a breath of air,
To dream, to rest, to find repair.
To find a place where sleep can mend.

Oh, sister dear, can you not see,
The toll it takes, the pain in me?
A simple wish, a night so still,
To calm the mind, the heart to fill.

With love, with care, let’s find a way,
To bridge the gap, to heal, to stay,
In harmony, where all can be,
Together, yet in unity.

For in the quiet, hearts can mend,
And wounds of past begin to end,
Let peace descend, a gentle dove,
In the silent night, a sister’s love.

(Yet moving out is the only solution I see, at this time).

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for your insightful and reflective message. I understand that you didn’t mean to invalidate my experience (and you didn’t), and I’m glad we’re finding the dialogue helpful.

Your reflection on my non-labeled version and the possibility of letting go of the need to retell the story is something I didn’t think about before you introduced the concept to me.

You wrote: “What I was questioning was, now that years have passed, if… I was retelling a old story’s then using that negative energy that would arise to maintain current boundaries. Realizing that boundaries that need the energy of anger and hurt to maintain might not be healthy boundaries”-

– What I understand (for the first time in my life!) is that there is a difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries are those that are based on a negative foundation, which is the ongoing, long-term emotional experience of hurt and anger. It is exhausting, and it keeps the person hurt and angry way after boundaries have been established, while the person is no longer in the situation where he/ she is disrespected or abused.

It means a life filled with hurt and anger that no longer serve to establish boundaries because such have already been established.

Healthy boundaries are based on positive foundations such as self-respect, personal value, and emotional well-being, rather than negative emotions.

So, what a person with healthy boundaries experiences on a long-term basis (after boundaries have been established and while they are maintained) is not hurt and anger, but self-respect and peace of mind.

Boundaries grounded in anger and hurt are emotionally exhausting to maintain. Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, are without constant emotional strain.

The idea is not to… not set boundaries, but to set boundaries that are not rooted in ongoing, long-term anger and hurt.

Part of the journey involves letting go of the old stories and the negative emotions (hurt and anger) they evoke. This doesn’t mean forgetting the past but rather processing it in ways that promotes personal growth.

Ongoing, long-term, chronic hurt and anger hinder personal growth, while ongoing self-respect, self-esteem and peace of mind promote personal growth.

So, as I retell my story with the hurt and anger, with labels that maintain the hurt and anger, I hinder my personal growth.

Healthy boundaries don’t require ongoing justification by retelling the stories with hurt and anger. The stories stand on their own merit and can be retold without the labels that maintain hurt and anger.

“Sadly, my journal clearly shows a tendency to hold on to the stories (with the labels) then using the anger and hurt that the labels created to maintain boundaries”- now I understand. This has been what I did my whole adult life… and I didn’t know it until this very morning. Now I know because of you, Peter.

“In the non-labeled version, I saw a person who did the work and created healthy boundaries that didn’t require any further explanation, exploration, justification, labels or re-telling. Bitter, as the hurt is and was real but sweet because, having emerged out the other side, better connected to the true self”-

– My true self is one that no longer lives under the dark cloud of hurt and anger, but one who sees the light come through and feel its warmth.

I am… I don’t have words to describe this newness of this in my mind and heart. It will take time to take it in further. Thank you is not saying enough. I hope you are not reading this before the weekend ends and I hope it’s a good weekend for you.

anita

Dear Peter:

You re-wrote beautifully, I am amazed how well you wrote, a moment of perfection, I say! I will read all and reply further Sat morning

Anita

Dear Peter:

At first, as I read your recent post yesterday, and again this morning, I didn’t hear you. Instead, I heard my mother saying about herself and me: “I was not the villain, and you were not the victim!”, invalidating reality and my emotions that fit the reality of what was. But I didn’t know at the time that I was hearing her. I thought I was hearing you invalidating reality and my emotions, and the same-old, same-old frustration and pain reoccurred, that chronic self-doubt, a painful mental condition.

Next, yesterday, I remembered The Rule of Charity and figured I was probably jumping to conclusions here and that I will revisit this in the morning. This morning, I looked at your writing further and saw that you expressed empathy for me, that you didn’t invalidate me, and that you were reflecting on your own experience and how creating more neutral versions of your stories might help you let go of negative emotions. You were talking about yourself, not criticizing and invalidating me (a relief).

Thank you, Peter, for your thoughtful and empathetic response. I appreciate your recognition of the emotional effort that went into my original journal entry.

I understand what you mean about the “victim-villain” dynamic. For me, using labeling language was a crucial step in validating my experiences and asserting my boundaries at that time. It helped me articulate the intensity of the hurt and establish the necessary distance to protect myself.

Over time, as I have healed and gained more perspective, I do find value in using more neutral language about what I refer to as normal life situations (not including the situations of my childhood with my mother). It allows for a broader interpretation and can help in letting go of the negative emotions tied to those stories.

“In hindsight I’m wondering if I felt that I needed to feel the emotions and stay angry to justify the boundaries was creating. (I notice today, not always healthy boundaries)”-
– you mean that you made some decisions in the heat of the moment, driven by anger and hurt, without considering the possibility of reconciliation, or the impact of the decisions on your life long-term (an example would be following a single argument with a partner, a person decides to end the relationship abruptly, without giving their partner a chance to explain or resolve the issue)?

* I created lots and lots of reactive, inflexible boundaries with people (ending contact with people abruptly and forevermore), finding myself alone and lonely. While those decisions provided me with immediate relief and a sense of control, they prevented personal growth, reconciliation, and coming across healthy ways of managing emotions and having a long-term relationship.

“Now that time has passed, do you feel you need the labeling experience to maintain and or justify the boundaries you created?”- in regard to normal situations (I explained “normal situations” above), I do find it very helpful to quiet down the labels, to challenge negative labels, to consider different angles to the story. In other words, to apply The Rule of Charity that you introduced to me.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and for your kind words about my journey. I hope to continue our conversation, it’s amazingly helpful to me. I hope it is helpful to you too.

anita

Dear Adrianne:

Thank you for clarifying that you want to keep the focus on your experiences. I understand that this situation is incredibly challenging for you, and it’s important to give your story the attention it deserves.

From what you shared, it’s clear that you’ve been caught in the middle of family conflicts for a long time, often being unfairly blamed or judged based on your mother’s actions. This has understandably left you feeling frustrated, disappointed, and exhausted by the ongoing drama.

It’s commendable that you’ve set boundaries with your mother and are striving to live your own life. Your desire to be treated as an individual and not an extension of your mother is completely valid. It’s also understandable that you don’t want to lose contact with your family, despite the toxicity.

Studying all that you shared, about you: you come across as a sensitive and reflective young person: you are acutely aware of your feelings and the impact of family dynamics on your well-being. Your reflections show depth and thoughtfulness. You strive to carve out your own identity separate from your mother’s conflicts.

Despite the challenges, you remain committed to living your life on your terms and not being dragged into familial disputes. Your primary motivation, in this context, is to live a life free from the toxicity and conflicts that have plagued your family.

You desire to be seen and treated as an individual, not as an extension of your mother or her conflicts. While you value family connections, you want these relationships to be healthy and based on mutual respect.

About your mother: she has a history of engaging in arguments and conflicts with various family members, and she involved you in her own conflicts. She may feel the need to assert control over family dynamics and rally support and loyalty from you and others.

* In general, engaging in arguments may be a way for individuals to express unresolved emotions and grievances that they don’t know how to process or communicate in healthier ways. Examples: (1) a person has longstanding feelings of resentment towards a family member due to past conflicts or perceived injustices. Instead of addressing these issues directly, they engage in arguments over unrelated topics as a way to vent their underlying anger and frustration.

(2) Someone who feels overwhelmed by stress or emotional pain finds themselves initiating or participating in arguments as a way to release pent-up emotions. The act of arguing provides a temporary outlet for their feelings, a temporary relief, even though it doesn’t resolve the underlying issues.

(3) An individual who feels neglected or unheard may use arguments as a way to demand attention and validation from others. Engaging in conflicts can be a way to ensure their voice is heard, even if it’s through a negative interaction.

(4) A person who struggles with expressing their true feelings may use arguments as a defense mechanism. By focusing on external conflicts, they avoid confronting and revealing their deeper emotions and fears.

(5) Someone dealing with internal conflicts, such as feelings of inadequacy or guilt, might project these feelings onto others through arguments. By blaming or criticizing others, they deflect attention away from their own guilt, insecurities and other internal struggles.

Engaging in arguments as a way of expressing unresolved emotions and grievances is often an unconscious behavior. It serves as a coping mechanism for individuals who don’t have the tools or support to process and communicate their emotions healthily.

About other family members: they take sides in family conflicts, often judging you based on your mother’s actions. Their behavior is reactive, influenced by ongoing disputes and their perceptions of loyalty, and their interactions with you fluctuate based on the current state of family conflicts. They may be motivated by a sense of loyalty to certain family members, leading to divisive behavior. Some cousins might genuinely want to understand your position but are influenced by the prevailing conflicts.

When family members blame you, they may be trying to make a complicated situation easier to understand. Instead of dealing with all the different reasons for the conflicts, they pick one person to blame. This way, they can avoid thinking about the many different things that might be causing the problems. They may project blame onto you as a way to feel a sense of control over the chaotic and unpredictable family environment: by identifying someone to blame, they feel more in control of the situation.

Blaming someone else can provide a temporary release of suppressed emotions. It allows individuals to vent their anger, frustration, or hurt, although in an unhealthy way. Family members’ projection onto you distort their perception of you, viewing you not as an individual but as an extension of the conflicts or negative feelings associated with your mother.

Being unjustly blamed for conflicts you had no part in, you bear the brunt of this projection. You are treated as a scapegoat, which leads to feelings of isolation, confusion, and frustration.

Family members’ actions of projecting blame onto you can be seen as a coping mechanism for their own unresolved emotional responses to the family dynamics. This projection serves to deflect their emotional turmoil, simplify complex conflicts, seek a sense of control, and discharge their emotions. However, it results in unfair treatment and isolation for you, as you are unjustly burdened with the blame for issues you did not create.

* In regard to your cousin from your dad’s side, her happiness at the thought (her misinterpretation) of you not speaking to your mother indicates a strong “team mentality” within the family dynamics. The cousin seems to view relationships in terms of alliances, expecting people to take sides in family conflicts. Her reaction to seeing you in a car with your mother was highly emotional and reactive. She quickly jumped to conclusions and responded with anger. Using terms like “crazy,” “schizophrenic,” and “idiot” indicates a lack of emotional regulation and a tendency to resort to hurtful language when feeling betrayed or upset. By lashing out at you, she discharges her frustration and reinforces her own narrative of loyalty and betrayal. Her behavior reflects a deep entrenchment in the family’s conflict dynamics, characterized by a team mentality, emotional reactivity, projection of unresolved emotions, a need for control, and a lack of empathy.

“Is it valuable to keep them in my life? I am tired by this. I want to live my own life; all this drama is tiring and stupid.”-

– recognizing when it’s appropriate to give up on trying to change longstanding unhealthy family dynamics is crucial, especially considering your young age and the no-mention of an interest from your family in seeking therapy or making changes.

When family members are entrenched in their ways and show no desire to change or attend therapy, it becomes impossible, or almost impossible (says I) for one individual to make meaningful progress in family dynamics. If you are the only one consistently making an effort to improve family dynamics and there is no dependable interest or cooperation from other family members, it might be time to reconsider trying

It takes a family to change family dynamics. It takes a number of family members to commit to making positive changes and to consistently work on it. One person within the family cannot change toxic family dynamics (family dynamics that started most likely way before you were born). Since the effort to change family dynamics is causing you chronic stress, as I understand it to be, it’s essential to prioritize your own mental health.

Trying to change these deeply rooted patterns may be like beating a rock, hoping to get water out of it. No matter how hard you try, the effort will not yield the desired result. It’s important to recognize your limits and prioritize yourself. Choosing yourself is a powerful act of self-care and self-respect.

Choosing yourself isn’t a betrayal of your family. It’s not about rejecting the idea of family, but rather rejecting the toxic dynamics within it. By prioritizing your well-being, you might even indirectly benefit your family in the long run. On the flip side, sacrificing your well-being to try and change them will likely only drain you and harm your mental health. The outcome? More of the same toxic environment for everyone.

Surround yourself with people who respect and support you and invest in relationships that bring positivity and growth. Since currently, this is not available to you within your family, find it elsewhere, is my advice. What do you think?

anita