Dear Tee:

I read your post earlier this morning and reread it now. I agree with everything you said, thank you!

When I read this part earlier: “I too have nice memories from my childhood that involve my mother, but it’s mostly when we were in the company of other adults and their children. That’s when I had a good time, because my mother wasn’t focused on me, so I was free to enjoy my time with those children.”-

I was amazed because I never read or heard anyone express this and I could have written this myself-

The only nice memories from my childhood that involve my mother were when she and I and my sister were guests at aunt Suzi (not the oldest). I was free from her attention, she… wasn’t focused on me.

Maybe a bit in the homes of another, youngest aunt and in the home of uncle Morris (there were many more visits at aunt Susi’s home than anywhere else.

* No nice memories from others visiting our apartment because of her offering food and me getting angry at others supposedly taking advantage of her.

“When I was alone with my mother, I don’t remember too much joy because she would often criticize me, or not be supportive of me, or just in general be unhappy and complain about her ‘sad life’. And so there wasn’t much joy in my interactions with my mother..”-

I could have written this too.. only I’d replace “I don’t remember too much joy” with “I remember lots of misery” 😔

🤍 Anita

Dear Gerald:

I want to give your message my best attention, and I will later, tonight or Wed morning (it’s Tue morning here). I’ll get back to you by tomorrow.

Take care and feel free to post again- if you need to- before I return.

🤍 Anita

Good reading from you, Gerald! You are very welcome. I am tired but well. How are you?

Dear Tee:

Sincerely, Tee- living in a tent would be a significant improvement over living/ growing up with my mother. I suffered so much day in and day out, night after night. The distress was heavy and ongoing. Life is so much, much, much better simply for no longer being stuck with her..!!!

“It’s just occurred to me that parents who meet their children’s physical/material needs seem on the outside like good parents, because there are no visible signs of abuse or neglect, the child is well-kempt, and everything seems fine.

“And I’m thinking that it is for those kind of parents that people often say (including their adult children later in life): ‘well, they did the best they could.’ Because they had a job and put food on the table, which means they weren’t addicts, alcoholics, they haven’t abandoned their children, there was no domestic violence (at least not the kind where police would need to intervene).. so all in all, they led a seemingly orderly life (seen from the outside), and were hard-working parents.

“But no one knows what’s happening behind closed doors, and what kind of emotional (and physical and even sexual) abuse a child is exposed to. It all happens covertly, without people knowing about it. Those parents aren’t good parents, but they’re considered good parents by societal standards, because they don’t visibly abuse or neglect the child. But no one is asking what effect they have on the child’s psyche..”-

Yes, Tee, “they don’t visibly abuse or neglect the child.”- she said: “You think I’m stupid? I will not break your bones”

“And I think we (society as a whole) need to become aware that providing for the child’s physical needs but destroying their psyche isn’t really good parenting..”-

Again, sincerely.. it was absolutely T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E living with her. It was a never-ending nightmare. If I was magically offered to go back in time and be a child again- in her custody- I would immediately choose death over reliving it. No second thinking. No question about it. And no exaggeration.. it really, REALLY was a nightmare.

I am so happy right now simply for not being THERE. And again, a tent would be a great improvement.

So, the food, the toys.. the money she spent on me and for which she heavily, heavily guilt-tripped me.. like you said, the gifts were totally NOT a good deal (“the ‘gift’ is laced with poison, so to speak. We might end up feeling undeserving of the gift, because of this constant shaming and self-pitying on their part. The result is severely diminished mental health (C-PTSD), while at the same time having all the material things we can wish for. Not a good deal”).

“The problem is that every narcissistic mother is a good mother in her own mind – she believes she is a perfect mother and can do no wrong… her subjective evaluation of herself as a good mother doesn’t really mean anything”- Exactly, 100%

“And that’s what makes narcissistic parents so harmful: they believe they’re great parents, they’re telling you they are the best parent in the world and that they care about you so much, all the while they’re abusing you.”- again, it’s like you were there.. Actually you were there.. with your own narcissistic mother, your own nightmare 😢

“And then when you (their child) dare to say anything, or if you don’t behave the way they want you to behave – you’re called evil, ungrateful, selfish, hurting them etc. You’re made into a villain for simply having normal child’s needs. Or simply for the air you breathe, as it was in Anita’s case.”- You WERE there.

“So this “great mother”, the “best mother” is a lie with which they’re elevating themselves, denying their abuse, gaslighting their children and guilt-tripping them for “hurting” their mother. It’s a ploy to destroy the child, basically.”- This is Tee Telling it like it is, Tee the Truth Champion, my Hero!!!

“In narcissistic abuse, the ‘good’ is intertwined with the bad, they cannot be separated. Even when we’re receiving the good, we’re also receiving the bad. That’s why it’s hard to appreciate the good: because it was contaminated with the bad. It was poisoned, if you will.”- YES! In my experience everything was bad, the “good” not really good because it was contaminated with guilt-tripping and shaming.

A cake tastes good but shame and guilt taste so very bad.

.. There’s been something I’ve been struggling with for a while, Tee. It’s the red heart emojis. Red was her very favorite color, and if I remember right, she drew red hearts, or maybe I drew those for her so to please her.. because I knew she loved red. I returned those to you because of a people-pleasing tendency.. But I don’t want to do that anymore. No complaints about your red heart emojis.. It’s just that I didn’t tell you before what red means to me.

You ARE the best, Tee. Thank you for you being you! I’ll close with a white heart emoji.

🤍 Anita

Hi Alessa:

Thank you for your good wishes. I think I misunderstood you input of 2 days ago, and I apologize for that. I mean, I think you were coming from how difficult your life is as a parent. I don’t think you were trying to defend or empathize with my mother.. It’s just that your life as a mother is not easy. I’ll write more later.

Anita