Pissed at the private stuff that’s happening to you (not about the coworker issue)..?

Hello NYC Artist!

As I was reading your recent post, the thought occurred to me that she envies you, wishes she had your life and that she’s trying to punish you with her “just kidding” mini-aggression.

“Most recently she snapped at me in a very benign text conversation where we were making plans and I abruptly told her I think I will take a rain check. It turned into this argument about how I am too sensitive to her jokes and she was only kidding.”-

So, who’s too sensitive, really..?

“She tells me my sensitivity is ‘next level’ and hard to deal with.”- she wants you to take her aggression quietly, submissively, seems to me.

You’re physically sick..? Wonder what’s the more important stuff..

Dear James:

“Attachment to ego is attachment to expectations. Good or bad. Doesn’t matter. When one completely drops all the expectations… what remains is already pure beauty… what You really are = Effortlessness… say to God, I love you more then myself, this body belongs to you, and I give it back to you…. And that’s what non duality is, genuinely not knowing.-

Genuinely not knowing what will happen next and being okay with it, totally relaxing the need to know/ the anxiety about not knowing.

Relaxing the need to shape reality so to feel safe later on, when reality is shaped to my liking. A futile dynamic because reality keeps shifting and it bounds to be not to my liking at least twice a day 🙂

This morning, James, I have a better understanding of what non-duality means in a practical sense than I ever had, thanks to your explanation quoted above.

So, it’s not about the expectation to feel good, it’s about giving up on expectation, on the futile lifestyle of seeking or chasing expectations, good or bad. Thank you, James 🙏 🙏 🙏

Dear Peter:

“The space I speak of isn’t… the silence that erases pain, but the silence that listens to it without needing to fix it.”-

Continuing the thoughts above, the ego is about expectations, including the expectation to fix things and people/ to fix how I am feeling at any one time.. the desire/ craving/ expectation to feel better.

“Maybe this embrace isn’t something we arrive at, but something we remember. Not with the mind, but with something deeper, older, quieter. A kind of contemplative remembering, not of a moment past, but of a truth that’s always present.”-

You are talking about the canvas, empty of the ego’s drawings/ painting.. The “In The Beginning” of non-duality, something to remember. I just took a moment to remember and I don’t remember a time when I was free of craving or expectations. I figure you’d say at this point, Peter, that it’s not the “I” that remembers. (I am typing as I’m thinking).

So, what is it that remembers.. it’s not the part of me that’s thinking/ seeking that can do this remembering.

“A memory arises of a sad young boy returning from school, sitting with the family dog Duke, in silence, and feeling held… through presence. A quiet recognition. A softening. No words, no measure, just being met.”-

A quiet canvas moment experienced when the ego was quiet, the ego that rushes into the past and the future, zigzagging in-between, skipping the present, missing the timeless now..

“So, if you cannot feel it, Anita, know this: you are not outside the embrace. You are already within it and always have and will be.”- I’m part of the canvas inseparable from everyone else who’s also part of the canvas.

My ego always wanted me to feel special, different in a good way.. so to cover up the special in a bad way (low self-esteem, ashamed, guilty), thrown violently in- between misery and occasional, rare euphoria.

Being no different from everyone else, neither more nor less.. this is a new experience for me. That’s the embrace you’re talking about, right Peter? It’s neither good nor bad, neither more nor less..

“You said the warm embrace caught your eye.. what if you leaned into it.. An invitation to feel the embrace in ways you may not yet have imagined. In the eyes of a dog. In the hush before a thought. In the way a tree stands without needing to be seen. In the breath that comes unbidden. In the silence that holds even the ache.”-

Beautifully said, like a poet.. In the hush before ego’s thoughts.. measuring, labeling “me” and “you”, “good” or “bad”, “pleasurable” or “painful”.

Thank you, Peter 🙏 🙏 🙏

🤍🌿 Anita

Thank you James and Peter, I very much appreciate your time and attention.

I want to try to.. not know non-duality, James (“And that’s what non duality is, genuinely not knowing.”), and to consider that leaning into the embrace, Peter (“You said the warm embrace caught your eye… what if you leaned into it..”) tomorrow morning.

Best regards to both of you!

Anita

I think it’s you wanting something but afraid of it at the same time. I think that the something is Intimacy, Closeness..

Dear me:

I am confused (and maybe you too are confused..?):

“it’s not like I’ll be in a relationship with her ever.. Maybe Taiwan is my chance.”- your chance for..?

“I also wasn’t man enough to take this girl up on her offer of going home with her, most likely to her house if you know what I mean.”- I know what you mean lol. What do you mean “wasn’t man enough”..?

Anita