Hi Alessa 😊

It’s okay that you didn’t check in yesterday. I noticed and thought to myself that you were busy (and indeed you were).

The main reason I don’t like holidays is the food. I am anxious in regard to gaining weight. Had leftover cake and pie last evening though. It is interesting how satisfactory it can be to eat just a little dessert. I used to binge eat- large amounts. I am glad I haven’t done that in years. Still there’s anxiety about eating and body weight.

I’m glad you’re feeling better today and hope the infection clears soon!

🙏 ❤️ 🤍 Anita

Dear Tee:

Before I reread and respond to your latest post, I want to process my post of late last night.

When I wrote: “So much of the stupidity that I observe around me these very days irl is about people preferring to NOT see the glaring, evident truth. The make-believe, wishful thinking.. Irresponsible Optimism, in real-life, these very days (which I haven’t shared about).”-

I wasn’t thinking about me when I wrote the above. I was talking about other people in current circumstances.

I then wrote: “So.. funny.. My mother, my perceived goddess.. huh.. Not a good person. Dark eyes, mild sadistic smile, words like bullets hitting through the heart.. BOOM… cruel, vengeful.. May I STOP seeing her as anything other than what she was, to me, to others: MEAN. Sadistic.”-

When I read this part this morning, I felt alarmed.. as if reading the words of a crazy person. Not believing the person who wrote these words, thinking it’s a huge exaggeration, if not untrue altogether.

And now, I look at the first part of last night’s post, that about other people’s “stupidity…preferring to NOT see the glaring, evident truth. The make-believe, wishful thinking.. Irresponsible Optimism”- I sense anger there. And because I am one of those people in regard to the mother, or better say, I have been one of those people, I sense anger toward myself for not seeing the “glaring, evident truth”.

I want to develop this further:

I saw her smiling at my pain- when she did- but for decades, I didn’t remember the smile. And then, when I remembered it, a part of me normalized it as.. something every mother experiences sometimes (pleasure at her daughter’s pain). So, as disturbing as her smile was, it was.. “normal”.

Not that I felt okay with it being “normal”.. It’s that I didn’t know I was normalizing/ excusing it until right now, as I am typing this.

That normalization kept her image as.. if not exceptionally loving (lol), at least.. normal, nothing to be alarmed by.. A way to soothe myself.

I then thought, earlier this morning: Are there mothers who never find pleasure in seeing their child in pain.

I just asked Copilot: “are there parents who never find pleasure in their child’s pain?”-

Notice the question, Tee. I really don’t know the answer in regard to all or most parents.

Copilot: “Yes — absolutely, there are many parents who never find pleasure in their child’s pain…. Most parents feel distress when their child is hurting. They may rush to comfort, protect, or help their child heal. Love and empathy guide their reactions — they want their child to feel safe, valued, and supported.

“In contrast, when a parent seems to take pleasure in a child’s hurt… That behavior is not ‘normal’ or inevitable — it’s a sign of dysfunction, not of parenthood itself.

“Key Point- Many parents never act this way. They genuinely want their children to thrive and would never intentionally shame or enjoy their child’s suffering.”

Next, I am thinking of that traumatic night when I ran into the night following her suicidal threats, locating her, running to her with open arms and greatest relief, calling her name.. and her reaction: anger at me, disapproval.

I remember the time I was twitching (tics) when she was venting to me endlessly, thinking: can’t she see my distress?

And on and on and on.. either lack of empathy by itself, or a desire to hurt my feelings and then enjoying it.

Her self-centeredness was unique, or extreme, a limited perspective: seeing situations through the lens of “me” rather than considering other people’ experiences, being absorbed in “me” so much so that there’s no one else but “me”, no one to deserve empathy other than “me”.. I need to not feel guilt, so I’ll blame my daughter (it serves “me”). I need a break from shame, so, I’ll shame her.. I need to feel powerful, so I’ll hit her and see her looking down at the floor, saying nothing (it serves “me”), etc.

And it’s the covert type of extreme self centeredness aka narcissism that’s confusing (presenting herself as humble, shy..) and in so being, more harmful perhaps than the overt type.

So, I didn’t see these things clearly. I was confused. Not because I was stupid but because.. any child would get terribly confused in the exact circumstances I found myself in.

She portrayed herself to others as humble, generous, good-hearted.. empathetic, but it was only a show, an act, one that fooled me. I see better now.

As to your recent post, Tee.. a bit later.

Anita

Dear Tee:

What a beautiful post, a masterpiece! I want to reread it and reply in a couple- three hours 🙏 ❤️