Nichole.. ?

How are you, Kelly?

Hey Dear Confused:

Confused: “Hmm it wouldn’t be surprising but it’s very hard for me to connect my past to my present still and I don’t know why!”-

I asked Copilot (AI) what you asked above. It gave me several answers:

1. a gentle and normalizing answer: It actually makes a lot of sense that it’s hard to connect past and present. When something was overwhelming or painful, the mind often separates it just to help us survive. You’re not doing anything wrong — this is a really common human response.

2. a curious + inviting answer: That sounds really frustrating. When you say it’s hard to connect the two, is it more like the past feels far away, or more like it feels disconnected from who you are now?

3. a reassuring + validating answer: You’re definitely not alone in that. For many people, the past feels like it happened to a different person. Sometimes the mind protects us by creating distance. It doesn’t mean you’re stuck — it just means you’re human.

4. an insightful + gentle answer: Sometimes the past stays disconnected because it was too much to process at the time. The mind kind of ‘files it away’ so you can keep going. Connecting it to the present usually happens slowly, when you feel safe enough.

5. an empathic + reflective answer: I hear you. It can be confusing when the past shaped us but still feels strangely separate. Sometimes that separation is actually a sign of how hard you had to work to cope back then.

6. an encouraging + grounded answer: It’s okay that it’s hard. You don’t have to force the connection. Often it starts with tiny moments of recognition — little ways you notice how old patterns show up now. It’s a gradual unfolding.

My answer based on our 3+ months communication (from above): When something was overwhelming or painful, the mind often separates it just to help us survive, so the past feels far away, like it happened to a different person. The mind protects us by creating distance. The mind kind of ‘files it away’ so you can keep going. But what it filed away doesn’t die or disappear, it rises to the surface from time to time, like those tears instantly running down your face.

Sounds like you are indeed depressed. Did you contact the psychiatrist?

🌿 Anita

Good morning 🙂 Confused:

I did not yet read your 2 recent posts because I want to attend first to a few things from what we talked about yesterday (it took me a couple of hours to write the following, which includes my personal best understanding- for you to consider and evaluate if you choose to do that):

1) You shared: “I remember sometimes when I’d go and hug my mother (I was like 10) she would suspiciously look at me and tell me ‘What do u need now? / What mischief have u done?’ so I stopped that too, eventually”. I asked you: “Do you remember what you felt when your mother met your love with suspicion and accusation?”, and you answered: “Hmm, I think I felt shame.”-

When a child goes to hug a parent, they’re not just giving affection — they’re seeking connection, safety, warmth and reassurance. But what did you receive instead? Suspicion: “What do you need now?”, “What mischief have you done?”

Your affection was misinterpreted as manipulation or wrongdoing. For a child, that’s confusing and painful.

Your reaction: Shame. Shame is the emotion of: ‘Something is wrong with me.’, ‘My affection is unwanted.’, ‘My needs are suspicious.’, ‘I shouldn’t reach out.’ So, you shut down that part of yourself (the part that feels affection, the part that has needs, the part that wants to reach out)- so to stay safe.

2) You shared: “Yes, my brain does that a lot with everyone, I guess it’s a protective mechanism. Actually, it started when she confessed her feelings with the poem (I felt ‘wow, she is really into me, now I gotta be careful, why am I not feeling more enthusiastic? I should feel more!’)”-

When she showed strong, surprising affection toward you, catching you off guard (the poem), you froze. Why? Seems to me that the reason is that Affection became associated with Rejection and Accusations (your mother’s repeated response), and the same shame you felt at age 10 resurfaces: ‘I’m not reacting right.’, ‘I’m disappointing her.’, ‘I’m doing something wrong.’

Your childhood taught you: ‘Affection is not safe. If I show it, I’ll be questioned or judged. If someone shows it to me, I’ll fail them.’

That’s why you said earlier: “Now I gotta be careful.”- careful of repeating that old shame.

Before the poem, things were probably ambiguous, playful, or low‑stakes. After the poem, it became real, serious, emotionally loaded. That sudden shift can make someone pull back internally to reassess.

The most telling part is this: “wow, she is really into me, now I gotta be careful”- That’s not the thought of someone who doesn’t care. That’s the thought of someone who cares so much about not causing harm that they become cautious.

3) Because of double posting I didn’t read the part about “Why ‘Too Much Love’ Leads to Shutdown”- the article talks about emotional Burnout caused by (1) Excessive giving without equal reciprocation, (2) Focusing solely on a partner and sacrificing your own needs, priorities, and self-care, (3) Fear of abandonment, (4) A history of heartbreak.

I think that your mother’s the core of your history of heartbreak 😞 What do you think, Confused?

Next, I will read your recent 2 posts and reply

🤍 Anita