Dear James:

“Ego activity feels heavy, based on compulsive thinking and planning. Lastly, deeply know that not you, but the greatest power in control.”- I will do my best to minimize ego activity and focus on my soul (the non-ego part of me) and try to think/ talk/ act from the soul.

“All you need to do is digesting that you can not control.”- When I can’t control circumstances, I may be able to control or choose my attitude about the circumstances. Currently I want to experience a letting go of attachment to old circumstances that no longer exist and never will.

“Therefore, the relief that you need will hit you inevitably.”- Thank you, James 🙏

“Even with your birth, you didn’t choose your family, county, religion, friends. Your all difficulties now just accumulation of your past, the environment you lived in and circumstances.”- indeed, a whole lot that I didn’t choose and a whole lot that I still can’t choose. But my attitude, my understandings, my words.. These I can choose.

🤍 Anita

Dear Tee:

“Can you say No to that? Considering that you’re giving so much free stuff and equipment, can you politely but firmly refuse? If those “extras” aren’t in the contract, you don’t need to people-please her. You don’t need to let her rip you off completely…What do you say? Is there an option to say No?”-

I never had a say on these matters. It has been a corporation of a few and I wasn’t one of the few. I just signed papers to make it possible for others to be in charge. I felt incompetent. Now I regret it, I could have made a positive difference. But it’s all in the past now.

“I’ve been praying that the sales go through fine, because you said there are some administrative issues”- T.H.A.N.K Y.O.U. Hopefully (at whatever loss it’s destined to be), it will be over in 2-3 days..

“So perhaps you were interesting to him as a customer, but not as a person? (and I guess he has a similar attitude to other customers too…)” – Yes.

“Oh I see… so people were bargaining to get a steep discount, and even 40% wasn’t enough, they wanted more. Yeah, that’s already like vultures, trying to get the biggest possible bargain… and since you needed to get rid of the merchandise, you ended up giving it 😢”-

Vultures indeed. Yet, like I said, I had no voice in regard to any financial decisions, not an owner. I saw things, heard things.. but had to keep it to myself. It would all be different if I could go back and redo.

“I hope you can still stand your ground with the new owner and not give in to her pressure. Or is it already a done deal and she got everything she wanted?”-

Like I said, I was never a legitimate entity to say anything. All I exchanged with the new owners was a smile, then a frown, then a forced smile today, before I went on my 4 miles away this afternoon, just to get away.

I just didn’t know back then (4 years ago), that I was worthy to be an owner.. I thought all I could be was a helper to those who.. knew better (ha!) Low self-esteem.

“Ehh, sorry for not having much positive to say… I know it’s a loss, on many levels, and that it feels bad. But I hope that with time, you’ll be able to turn a new page and see this as a lesson, even though a bitter one, but also, that you’ll be able to remember the enjoyable parts of it with gladness 🤍”-

Yes, I remember the enjoyable parts, and I promise you, Tee- I will never again consider myself a non-entity in a mini-world where others know better. No! I do know better!!!

🤍 🫶 🙏 Anita

Dear Tee:

Today I experienced the most depressing day I’VE experienced for many years. Oh, and I never was a legal owner of the business, never part of the financial aspect, never talked to new owners (I shouldn’t share more, this not being a private forum).

My heart is with the now Gone Winery. I didn’t know how much I loved it until I lost it. Or maybe I knew all along. I just miss sitting there with customers/ friends right now (you can’t find me posting on any Friday at this time- I WAS THERE!). My heart and soul are THERE. Sincerely, I am heartbroken. I finally cried very loudly as I walked this afternoon- from the now gone Winery to downtown- in the rain.. and wearing sandals (feet cold and wet).

Later, stopping by the winery (waiting in the car(, I collected some cold gravel from the ground and placed it on my face. Just feeling it.

I was never more attached to any one place- not even close- to how attached I’ve grown to the Winery. I was there every day (excluding only a few) in more than 4 years, including Thanksgivings and Christmas. I OWNED the place simply for walking through every little part of it over and over again, so many times, in all kinds of weather, touching everything, feeling everything- trees, weeds, grass, plants, apples, corn.. mud.. cold air, touching it all.

I’m heartbroken, no other way to say it.

I’ll write more in the morning (strangely, it doesn’t even feel like there’s going to be another morning). I am supposed to be there NOW, 3 hours to go before closing.. who’s coming through the doors now.. ?

I fell in love with the Winery and now I’m heartbroken.. If only I could have another day, another evening.. The LONGING.

I hope to sleep tonight.. and how to keep myself awake when it’s only early evening here..?

More later tonight or tomorrow.

Thank you, Tee, for reading- listening.

And I am relieved to read you’re doing well mentally and emotionally. I just prayed for you to be doing well physically as well.

Anita