Whatever more comes to mind, however it does (trigger warnings of all kinds):

As the Winery dies, actually, in practice, it died a week and a day ago-

I .. STILL MISS THE PLACE S.O M.U.C.H.. If only I could move time backward and have JUST ONE MORE DAY.

The longing is intense, and so are the tears and crying.

The Finality of it.. The place, the experience MEANT SO MUCH to me.

If only I could have another moment, another Feel of it.

But again, what is it that I miss the most..?

The feeling inside me that I am a good person, like people have said about me: “She’s the hardest working person I’ve ever seen”, and: “Anita, oh, she’s wonderful, she helps everyone.. she never stops, she just keeps going ang going..”

That loss hurts the most.. like my newly-found self-worth is tied to the Winery, and as it’s gone, no longer there.. So is my newly found self-worth.

.. And, Tee, back to our conversation about mothers.. HOW DARE she all THOSE YEARS, all those decades- push on the message that I was Bad and Lazy when it was NEVER TRUE.

(Whatever comes to mind)- her messages- day in, day out- “You’re bad, you’re selfish, you’re cold, you’re uncaring, you’re evil, you don’t love..”- on and on and on- it put my life in hold for half a century+. And all along, those were lies, those were LIES.

Why did she do this to me..? (tears on my face and wine in my system)-

She didn’t let me LIVE.

“People of the Lie”- her dark, dark eyes and smile as she saw me hurt.

How to feel empathy for evil?

To acknowledge one’s mother as evil.. yet, that’s what it was, what she/ it was. No longer human.

The way she went about making me suffer.. and then she bought me cake.

So, okay, it’s time for me to acknowledge the truth: there really is such A thing as evil. It’s not the cartoonish portrayal of evil, it’s in a.. mother’s face, voice, sentiment, mild smile.

Time to let her/ it/ go..?

The more I reject her, let her go, the more I accept myself as.. not at all someone she/ it said I was.

I say “it” because “it” is what I lived with.

What do I need to remember that I haven’t yet remember..?

I think it was its desire to kil me, to “murder” me, her wordS.

I think that she wanted to do that for a long, long time.

Why would she say those words, with that passion, if that’s not what she wanted to do, TO KILL ME.

I didn’t, couldn’t expect comfort from her (other than the cake, food, toys) because.. truth is, she wanted to kill me. She just controlled herself and didn’t do the deed. But that’s what she wanted (drinking more wine so to get in touch with what’s there more to get in touch with, to uncover)-

.. She wanted to kill me all along.

I never knew if I’d be alive the next day.

She wanted to kill me all along.

That’s what she wanted.

Black eyes, smile at seeing me in pain, that was just a prelude, a preparation to how much better it’d be for her if she finished me off.

Strange, to live like that.. and it’s not that she wanted to kill me every day or every night, or moment.. just any other day or night, or moment.

And then there’d be cake- chocolate, marzipan cake.

Death by marzipan. (DBM..?)

To live day in and day out with someone (so happens to be a “mother”) who threatens Murder..

I think I’ve done my best with what it was..

(Very tipsy.. getting to more truth.. Whatever comes to mind)-

Very dark eyes, PLEASURE at seeing me hurt.. seeing in my visible hurt an invitation for more pleasure on her part, to see more of my pain.. My total destruction had an allure for her.. so much more pleasure possible for her.. if she finished me off.

Why not, just a bit more…something held her from that desired. She wanted me dead, just couldn’t face the social consequence/ judgment..

Still, letting it be, whatever comes to mind, unearthing the buried..

Strange, unlike cartoons. or like cartoons.. Truth.. She wanted me dead.

Well, wait, what did I write right above?

Me: Yes, she wanted me dead. She just didn’t know of how to make it happen.

Just waiting for the right circumstance, to not get blamed or be held responsible.

Me: She wanted me dead.

.. Are you sure?

Me: She said it. She said she wanted me dead.

.. Are you sure?

Me: She said.. she said.. She said, she said.. “I will murder you” and she meant it, she was ready to do it.

… Why didn’t she.. You’re alive, you know.

Me: she kept me alive because it wouldn’t look right if she murdered me.. People would say things..

She cared a lot about what people will say.

… I don’t know who is saying what at this point.

But my point nonetheless is that.. (Anita is saying this) that my mother/ It.. repeatedly expressed a desire to murder me. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly.. that was just something she wanted to do.

.. Something she wanted to do, for real?

Yes, something she wanted to do. She thought I deserved death.

.. Are those the cats’ foot prints at night real..?

Don’t know, there were no real cats back then.. Just her desire, a real desire, to kill me… No, no.. She really, she really did want to murder me, it’s just that she didn’t find the right circumstances.. didn’t find ENOUGH emotional support to do the deed.. She needed a bit more okay-ing it, and then she would have done it.

She wanted to kill you, really?

.. Yes, my point, yes, she really did. Nothing much I am more sure about: yes, she wanted me dead.

Why..?

Because she HATED me. She just hated me.. so very much.

Why.?

She needed someone to hate, and I was there.. someone to hate.

Why you?

.. Because I (it) was easy to hate.

And she needed?

.. Someone to hate, someone who will not resist, someone who will accept her hate as something deserved,

And you accepted it?

.. yes, that’s what she needed; that’s what I offered back.

Dear Tee:

A few days ago, I did a little research on another thread, and when I did, I thought of sharing part of it and developing it with you, but didn’t until today. I wrote there: “Ancient Perspectives on Fate and Will-… Stoics like Epictetus and Seneca emphasized the freedom of our internal will – our ability to choose our attitude and response to events, even if the events themselves are fated. Amor fati (love of one’s fate) was their path to tranquility.”

Today, Copilot: “Amor fati means ‘love of fate.’ It’s a Latin phrase that expresses the idea of embracing everything that happens in life—both the joys and the hardships—as necessary, meaningful, and even good…. Philosophical attitude: Accepting and even welcoming all events in life, including suffering, loss, and setbacks, as part of the whole picture of existence.

“Mindset shift: Instead of resisting or regretting what happens, one learns to see challenges as opportunities for growth and to live without wishing things were different.

“Example in Daily Life- Imagine losing a job. Instead of despairing, amor fati would mean embracing the event as part of your path—perhaps as the push needed to discover a new career or personal growth…

“Nietzsche’s view: To love fate means to affirm life so completely that even suffering is not just endured but embraced as part of the whole…

“while the exact phrase amor fati is not native to Christian mysticism, the underlying idea of embracing suffering and fate as part of divine providence is deeply present… Even when life feels unbearable, mystics emphasize that God’s will is ultimately oriented toward good, even if it’s hidden. Loving God’s will means trusting that suffering is not the final word.’-

So, this late morning, I will give this a try: I am not despairing over the loss of the winery, the fact that it’s no longer there and never will again. I no longer resist its ending and with it, an ending of my 4 long years of way of life, for me. I think that the thing I loved most about it is who I found myself to be: social, empathetic, helpful, hard-working. very heard-working (SO THHERE, Mother.. anger there). I had so much excellent socialization. honest, felt so good.

It’s the me (myself) that I experienced in a new way- someone even I liked, someone.. I looked up to at times! Ahh! A unique experience!!!

The Winery is lost forever (It still hits me hard, tears in my eyes!!!)

But I am not lost, who I found myself to be- is not lost.

Nor who I found myself to be as a result of my communication with you, Tee!

I didn’t lose, or don’t to lose me as someone I like. I can keep being someone I approve of, as I repeat my daily mantra (adjusted following your input, Tee): “I peel off chronic shame, chronic guilt and self-doubt/ distrust in me, replacing these with love for myself, with being on my side, while the adult part of me keeps me accountable for my words and actions today and every day. Amen”.

Anita

Dear James:

“Ego activity feels heavy, based on compulsive thinking and planning. Lastly, deeply know that not you, but the greatest power in control.”- I will do my best to minimize ego activity and focus on my soul (the non-ego part of me) and try to think/ talk/ act from the soul.

“All you need to do is digesting that you can not control.”- When I can’t control circumstances, I may be able to control or choose my attitude about the circumstances. Currently I want to experience a letting go of attachment to old circumstances that no longer exist and never will.

“Therefore, the relief that you need will hit you inevitably.”- Thank you, James 🙏

“Even with your birth, you didn’t choose your family, county, religion, friends. Your all difficulties now just accumulation of your past, the environment you lived in and circumstances.”- indeed, a whole lot that I didn’t choose and a whole lot that I still can’t choose. But my attitude, my understandings, my words.. These I can choose.

🤍 Anita

Dear Tee:

“Can you say No to that? Considering that you’re giving so much free stuff and equipment, can you politely but firmly refuse? If those “extras” aren’t in the contract, you don’t need to people-please her. You don’t need to let her rip you off completely…What do you say? Is there an option to say No?”-

I never had a say on these matters. It has been a corporation of a few and I wasn’t one of the few. I just signed papers to make it possible for others to be in charge. I felt incompetent. Now I regret it, I could have made a positive difference. But it’s all in the past now.

“I’ve been praying that the sales go through fine, because you said there are some administrative issues”- T.H.A.N.K Y.O.U. Hopefully (at whatever loss it’s destined to be), it will be over in 2-3 days..

“So perhaps you were interesting to him as a customer, but not as a person? (and I guess he has a similar attitude to other customers too…)” – Yes.

“Oh I see… so people were bargaining to get a steep discount, and even 40% wasn’t enough, they wanted more. Yeah, that’s already like vultures, trying to get the biggest possible bargain… and since you needed to get rid of the merchandise, you ended up giving it 😢”-

Vultures indeed. Yet, like I said, I had no voice in regard to any financial decisions, not an owner. I saw things, heard things.. but had to keep it to myself. It would all be different if I could go back and redo.

“I hope you can still stand your ground with the new owner and not give in to her pressure. Or is it already a done deal and she got everything she wanted?”-

Like I said, I was never a legitimate entity to say anything. All I exchanged with the new owners was a smile, then a frown, then a forced smile today, before I went on my 4 miles away this afternoon, just to get away.

I just didn’t know back then (4 years ago), that I was worthy to be an owner.. I thought all I could be was a helper to those who.. knew better (ha!) Low self-esteem.

“Ehh, sorry for not having much positive to say… I know it’s a loss, on many levels, and that it feels bad. But I hope that with time, you’ll be able to turn a new page and see this as a lesson, even though a bitter one, but also, that you’ll be able to remember the enjoyable parts of it with gladness 🤍”-

Yes, I remember the enjoyable parts, and I promise you, Tee- I will never again consider myself a non-entity in a mini-world where others know better. No! I do know better!!!

🤍 🫶 🙏 Anita

Dear Tee:

Today I experienced the most depressing day I’VE experienced for many years. Oh, and I never was a legal owner of the business, never part of the financial aspect, never talked to new owners (I shouldn’t share more, this not being a private forum).

My heart is with the now Gone Winery. I didn’t know how much I loved it until I lost it. Or maybe I knew all along. I just miss sitting there with customers/ friends right now (you can’t find me posting on any Friday at this time- I WAS THERE!). My heart and soul are THERE. Sincerely, I am heartbroken. I finally cried very loudly as I walked this afternoon- from the now gone Winery to downtown- in the rain.. and wearing sandals (feet cold and wet).

Later, stopping by the winery (waiting in the car(, I collected some cold gravel from the ground and placed it on my face. Just feeling it.

I was never more attached to any one place- not even close- to how attached I’ve grown to the Winery. I was there every day (excluding only a few) in more than 4 years, including Thanksgivings and Christmas. I OWNED the place simply for walking through every little part of it over and over again, so many times, in all kinds of weather, touching everything, feeling everything- trees, weeds, grass, plants, apples, corn.. mud.. cold air, touching it all.

I’m heartbroken, no other way to say it.

I’ll write more in the morning (strangely, it doesn’t even feel like there’s going to be another morning). I am supposed to be there NOW, 3 hours to go before closing.. who’s coming through the doors now.. ?

I fell in love with the Winery and now I’m heartbroken.. If only I could have another day, another evening.. The LONGING.

I hope to sleep tonight.. and how to keep myself awake when it’s only early evening here..?

More later tonight or tomorrow.

Thank you, Tee, for reading- listening.

And I am relieved to read you’re doing well mentally and emotionally. I just prayed for you to be doing well physically as well.

Anita