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anitaParticipantWhatever comes 2 mind this Monday late morning:
My whole life I wanted a pain-free life: for my mother, for myself. For others. Yet, I see- hear (the sights, the voices)- so much pain, emotional and physical. And I WISH I could cast a magic spell and eliminate all of that pain- be it forever G O N E.
I try to not carry the pain of others anymore. I try to not drown under another person’s pain.
Carrying my mother’s pain deprived me of living any measure of joy. It robbed me of FEELING life.
If only she didn’t blame- guilt-trip me about her pain. If she only protected me from pain that didn’t belong to me.
It’s been decades of pre-internet pain that I didn’t get to express.
I want to be strong enough, grounded enough-to not break under pain.
What a tragic thing it is to be a human.
I wrote the above line without thinking.
Yet I think there’s something to it, more than I would like, more than anyone would like?
Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
I wanted to add something, because your recent message stayed with me.
What you described — the panic, the fear of losing her, the emotional crash afterward, the numbness, zoning out, lights feeling too much, clothes feeling wrong, conversations fading out — that’s all a real pattern of overwhelm. You’re not imagining it, and you’re not “making it up.” It’s your system reacting to something that felt too big at the time.
And you’re right: you don’t need to diagnose yourself. What you can do with your therapist is simply describe what happened in your own words, the way you did with me. That’s more than enough. Something like:
“I went from panic to feeling totally numb.”
“I felt disconnected from everything for weeks.”
“My mind kept zoning out.”
“Lights and sounds felt too intense.”
“I couldn’t think or speak clearly.”
“It’s a bit better now, but still not gone.”
Therapists don’t need labels — they need experiences. And you described yours very clearly.
The important thing is that you’re not stuck in this alone. You’re already doing the right thing by reaching out, noticing your patterns, and wanting to understand what happened. That’s a strong place to start from.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipant👋 Confused:
Feeling better now is.. better 🙂
5-10% means 90%-95% yet to go to reach 100% which means ecstatic all the time?
I do hope your sessions with your new therapist will be helpful.
💡🏍🔮 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Miss L Dutchess:
I appreciate you sharing all of this. Your post is so honest and reflective, and it’s clear how hard you’re working to build something better for yourself. That takes real strength.
About the blocking situation: I know it felt personal, but the most likely explanation is actually very impersonal. (I just researched it-) Celebrities, and their families often block anyone who ever interacted with old gossip threads, even if the posts were harmless or years old. It’s usually a blanket boundary, not a judgment of you as a person. You didn’t do anything wrong by subscribing — it was just an automated or precautionary reaction on their end.
And the family situation sounds painful too. Being invited to your cousin’s wedding clearly meant a lot, especially since feeling included feels so special. Losing that because of conflict that had nothing to do with you would hurt anyone. It makes sense that it stirred up old feelings of being left out or overlooked.
What really stands out to me, though, is how much you’re doing to move forward — therapy, chorus, moving out, traveling, working with a dating coach, trying to build community even when it feels slow or uncertain. You’re showing up for your life in ways that a younger version of you didn’t have the support or safety to do. That’s huge.
You deserve connection, belonging, and people who see your value. And you’re taking real steps toward that, even if the path has been uneven. I hope you give yourself credit for that.
🌿 🌼 💛 🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Confused:
About dorsal vagal shutdown in general, and in the simplest language:
When stress feels too big 🔥, the nervous system hits a kind of internal “off switch” to protect you (from a having a dangerously high heart 🫀, for one), and instead of Fight‑or‑Flight (fighting or running), the body goes into Freeze.
It’s not a choice, a personality trait, or laziness — it’s a built‑in biological response.
People describe it as feeling numb, disconnected, checked out, going blank, feeling heavy, slow, or foggy, feeling very tired, low‑energy, having trouble thinking, speaking, or caring about things.
It’s your body telling you: “This is too much for me to process at full intensity, so I’m going to dim the lights.”, or “We’re going to slow everything down, so you don’t break.”
Imagine a car going downhill with failing brakes. Dorsal vagal shutdown is the emergency brake that prevents a crash.
Or imagine a computer that’s overheating. Instead of letting the system fry itself, it goes into safe mode. Dorsal vagal shutdown is your nervous system’s version of safe mode.
It’s not ideal, but it’s protective.
It’s possible that you grew up shut- downed in this way (that’s why you remember so little about the time you were younger than 17), you then recovered somewhat but in Nov last year the early shutdown was reactivated. Maybe you are feeling now like you used to feel when you were a kid.
* I grew up heavily shut down, spaced out, hardly aware of the outside world (not seeing 😶🌫️ or hearing 🔇 what’s in front of me, not understanding what people were saying, etc., my brain filtering out most input), but sometimes, normal noises felt unbearably loud 🔊, light felt too intense, smells felt unbearable, certain clothing felt unbearably uncomfortable..
My brain was filtering out most input, but the input that broke through felt too strong.
It’s like having the volume turned down to 2… but every now and then something blasts at 10.
Does this resonate?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantMoving out of your parent’s’ house is HUGE, Wow, Miss L Dutchess.. I’m impressed. B back 2 u in the morning.
anitaParticipantDear Like-(the)-Night-Confused (LNC):
Yes, we talked about Dorsal Vagal Shutdown. I brought it up to you some time ago because that seemed fitting to what you’ve been going through.
Too much emotion=> Overwhelm 😱 => 😐
It makes me feel nice, the idea 💡 of the two of you living in Cyprus.. Just the romantic-by proxy part of me.
😱 😐 🙂 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Miss L Dutchess 🙂
I am so happy to read your first 2026 thread!
To me, it looks like you’ve been making progress this year 🙏
👏 for trying to 👀 the glass half full 🥛 and for keeping an open mind!
How exciting- you working with a dating coach. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a dating coach (there’s a lot I don’t know 🙂).
I want to reply more Mon morning (it’s Sun 8 pm here).
🥛 👏 🙏 Anita
anitaParticipant* Does she plan to go back to Cyprus
anitaParticipantI think 🤔 it’s 3:42 am in Greece 🇬🇷 when you submitted the above. I wonder if you work the night shift and that’s why you’re regularly awake at this time ⏰️
It’s right after 7 pm here.
Does she plan to go back to Greece after Germany? How do you feel about possibly living in Cyprus?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantThe Stone and the Sky:
A monk once asked the master, “Why is peace so hard to find?”
The master picked up a small stone and placed it in the monk’s hand.
“Feel how heavy it is,” he said.
The monk nodded.
Then the master pointed to the sky. “How heavy is that?”
The monk looked up. “It has no weight at all.”
The master smiled. “Peace is like the sky. Your thoughts are like the stone.”
The monk frowned. “So, I must throw the stone away?”
The master shook his head. “No. Just stop gripping it so tightly.”
The monk opened his hand. The stone rested there, unchanged. But his fingers were no longer clenched.
The master said, “Peace is not the absence of stones. It is the absence of gripping.”
anitaParticipantHey Confused: who are they asking to be let out? 🙂
anitaParticipantGood 🌄 Confused:
You wrote earlier:
“So you mean let them be and pay no attention to them? Rather act on logic/values?”-
I would say: do pay attention to your feelings. Accept them without judgment. Welcome them into your home (your body and mind) without harrassing them with logic and values.
Keep the Logic-Values Guards (LVGs)💂♀️ 💂♀️ out so that your feelings don’t get harrassed (leading to your feelings getting scared and hiding much of the time).
These guards have a place in the context of what you communicate to other people (through words & actions)
They have no place in context of what you feel internally.
In yet other words, you are not a good person because you feel A and B, and you’re not a bad person for feeling X and Y.
What you feel internally is your private domain. Your business. You don’t owe anyone to feel this or that for them.
Keep the guards 💂♀️ 💂♂️ out of your private domain. They don’t belong there.
🔮 Anita
anitaParticipantI hope 🙏 Confused & wild animals are 😴 💤 this too early Sun morning in Greece; getting late here, WA, USA.
Good 🌄, 🌙 Anita
anitaParticipantDouble posting, ha- ha.
Yes, consider a different relationship with those.. wild animals. They don’t listen to “logic/ values”- ..
Your own “wild animals”, 😜 (that emoji just showed up as I typed)-
Tell me about them. If you give them a voice, what do they say (or bark, or howl)?
👿😎 Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 