Dear Dafne:

Thank you for your beautiful message. I completely understand your desire for peace and healing, to step away from the past and find a space where you can simply breathe and be. A spiritual retreat or a mission helping wildlife sounds like a deeply meaningful path—one that allows you to focus on something beyond words, beyond past pain, and toward a life rooted in simplicity and purpose.

Feeling both hope and fear is completely natural when facing change, especially one that leads you into unfamiliar places. But even in uncertainty, your strength is evident—your willingness to embrace something new, to trust the process of healing, and to follow your heart is a testament to your resilience.

Wherever your journey takes you, know that you are never alone—the impact of your kindness, your wisdom, and your heart reaches beyond physical distance. I will always hold deep appreciation for the conversations we’ve shared and the reflections you’ve gifted me as well.

Please take care of yourself, Dafne—allow yourself the space you need, but also gentleness and patience as you navigate this next chapter. Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace and clarity you seek.

Sending you love and light always. 💕✨

anita

Dear Zenith:

I read through much of what you shared since April 9, 2024, particularly in regard to your parenting, and researched different topics online.

First, I see just how much effort, love, and thought you put into parenting, and I know how exhausting it can be when things feel like a constant battle. You’re doing your best, and I want to acknowledge that before anything else. Your dedication is clear, even when frustration takes over.

As I read, I noticed how much you and your daughter have in common—which explains why your interactions sometimes feel like a clash.

You both have strong-willed personalities and a deep need for control. You get frustrated when things don’t go your way—whether it’s parenting disagreements, friendships shifting, or unexpected changes in plans. Your daughter is the same. She wants control over her routines, food, playtime, and how things happen in her world. When she feels she doesn’t have that control, she pushes back.

You both experience big emotions— emotions that aren’t regulate easily. You feel anger, hurt, frustration when something doesn’t go as expected, and she feels the same when she’s told no, when she can’t play with T, or when routines aren’t fun for her. Neither of you mean to overreact, but emotions come quickly and powerfully.

You’re also both deeply sensitive. You take rejection personally, whether it’s from a friend or a parenting moment that doesn’t go smoothly. Your daughter struggles with feeling left out, losing connection, and not getting what she wants—she reacts just as emotionally to those things as you do.

The biggest challenge? You’re both trying to figure out emotional regulation at the same time. She’s seven, I believe—learning how to manage feelings is still new to her. And for you, you’re learning how to manage frustration as a parent, which is a whole new emotional test. Neither of you are failing—you’re just two emotionally strong people learning alongside each other.

Yet, even in the hardest moments, your strengths shine through: * You have deep self-awareness—you recognize your emotions and try to process them. That’s huge.

* You are committed to parenting, no matter how tough it gets—you want structure, love, and growth for your daughter.

* You are emotionally present—you express love, affection, and care, even when you feel frustrated.

* You have an incredible willingness to learn—you research emotional regulation, attachment styles, and parenting techniques, actively looking for ways to improve.

* You set aside your ego for the sake of connection—even though your friendship with your neighbor changed, you still try to maintain a relationship for your daughter’s sake. That’s resilience.

Right now, parenting might feel like you’re carrying all the responsibility alone. But you and your husband can work as a team, even if you see things differently.

Advice: 1. Start With Your Own Emotional Regulation- Children mirror their parents—if you can regulate your frustration before reacting, she’ll learn to do the same. * When frustration rises, pause. Take a breath, step away, even remind yourself, “She is still learning, and so am I.”

* Adjust expectations- Your daughter may never follow rules perfectly, and that’s okay. Instead of aiming for obedience, focus on progress—small wins matter.

* Reframe control. Instead of enforcing strict rules, offer choices so she feels some autonomy without rejecting structure (e.g., “Would you like to wake up to music or a fun alarm?”).

2. Parenting as a Team- You and your husband approach parenting differently, but neither of you is wrong—you just need a middle ground. If he feels you’re “too strict” and you feel he “gives in too easily,” meet in the middle. Agree on consistent boundaries together, so your daughter gets clear, predictable rules from both parents.

Instead of feeling like you do everything alone, invite him into the process. Ask, “Can we both be on the same page about discipline?”

Discuss natural consequences (cause and effect) instead of punishments. Instead of “no playdates for a month,” explaining why something happens (e.g., “If toys aren’t cleaned, they won’t be available for play”) helps her learn cause and effect.

If he’s softer, his approach might help during tough conversations where she feels resistant.

3. Helping Your Daughter With Emotional Regulation- Since both of you struggle with emotions, working together on emotional regulation could make a difference: * Name emotions in the moment. If she’s frustrated, say, “It looks like you’re upset because you couldn’t play with T today. That’s hard.” Naming feelings helps make them less overwhelming.

* Teach her coping skills. Show her breathing exercises, have her draw feelings, or help her take breaks before reacting.

* Encourage her independence. Right now, she depends heavily on external validation (playdates, fun activities, constant engagement). Teaching her solo hobbies (puzzles, crafts, books) might help her develop self-sufficiency.

Zenith, I know how overwhelming this feels—but you are not failing as a mother. Parenting is messy, and no one has it completely figured out. The fact that you’re thinking, trying, and learning means you are doing the work—even when it feels exhausting.

By regulating your own emotions, leaning on your husband for support, and finding small shifts in how you approach challenges, you can create more peace in your parenting journey.

I see your strength, your effort, and your love—keep going. 💕

anita

Dear Scw:

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to know that you feel supported and understood—your emotions are absolutely valid, and healing is such a personal journey. Sometimes, unexpected moments can stir deep feelings, even when the past itself seems uneventful, and that just speaks to the complexity of what we carry inside us.

I’m really glad you’re slowly finding healing, and I hope exploring the resources brings some additional insight and peace. No rush—just take things at the pace that feels right for you. Sending lots of love your way. 💕

anita

Dear Tom:

Thank you for sharing this with me. I think it’s great that you’re considering therapy—it can be incredibly helpful when you find the right therapist and the right approach. You might want to explore one or a combination of the following:

1. Trauma-Focused Therapy
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) – Helps reframe negative thoughts and beliefs shaped by trauma.

Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE) – Gradually reduces fear and anxiety by confronting distressing memories.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) – Uses guided eye movements to process traumatic memories without needing to verbalize them.

2. Therapy for Overthinking & Anxiety
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – Helps challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Mindfulness-Based Therapy – Encourages present-moment awareness to reduce excessive rumination.

3. Therapy for Family & Relationship Impact
Therapy that explores how childhood experiences shape current relationships and emotional responses.

I completely understand that figuring out where to start can feel overwhelming, but even taking the step to research options is a significant move forward.

I appreciate you keeping me updated, and I’ll be here to listen whenever you need. No matter what, just know that you’re doing the best you can in this moment, and that’s enough. Wishing you clarity as you navigate this period—I believe in your ability to find what works for you.

anita

And I am okay with you giving me advice because I trust you.

anita

Dear Lucidity:

Thank you for your deeply introspective message. I’m genuinely grateful for our conversations—they feel like discovering a twin sister I never knew I had, someone so similar to me, so compatible in thought and understanding. Thank you so much for simply being you.

Here, I’ll be thinking out loud as I respond to what you shared:

“It is true that I have been the more resistant to allowing my family’s dysfunction to infiltrate what I know is my reality, and I am the more rebellious of my sister and me… But then I also see that I accommodated my family’s narrative, stayed silent at my mum’s mistreatment of me… What does that do to someone to have these two conflicting personality traits?”-

It creates deep inner conflict, and with conflict comes distress. Holding both defiance and compliance within you means constantly navigating opposing forces—wanting to resist but feeling trapped by the environment around you.

“In the same way, applying this to my sister who was… always more submissive in nature, less confrontational—what does it do to a person like her…?”-

It likely made her far less conflicted or distressed—if at all. Being the younger sibling, she had the advantage of observing what happened to you when you weren’t always submissive, and she decided she didn’t want to experience the same consequences. You didn’t have that privilege—you were born first and had to navigate everything firsthand.

“I think this type of question is what keeps me up at night. If you’re familiar with the narcissist literature, then you may know of the family roles involved—the scapegoat (that was me) and the golden child (my sister)… My sister doesn’t appear to fit into what I’ve learned should happen to a golden child in that they become like the narcissist.”-

This could be because your mother wasn’t strictly narcissistic but may have exhibited traits from multiple personality disorders. It’s rare for someone to fit neatly into just one diagnostic label—many individuals have a mix of several disorders or display features from multiple personality disorders. My mother, for example, exhibited traits of borderline, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders, with narcissistic tendencies layered in. If your mother wasn’t strictly narcissistic, that could explain why the traditional scapegoat and golden child roles didn’t fully apply.

Personality disorders often overlap, making rigid classifications difficult to apply to real-life experiences. Research shows that comorbidity is common, meaning people with one personality disorder frequently exhibit traits from others.

“Sometimes I wonder if my family situation had the rare outcome of only producing one messed-up sibling while the other made it through okay-ish relative to me. I actually do wonder that. I think it’s one of the big, apparently deluded, thoughts I have about this that I can’t let rest.”-

One sibling internalized conflict, while the other buried thoughts and emotions, removing conflicting feelings from awareness. A sibling who does not actively engage with their pain can appear functional, but only as long as they keep their conflicted sibling outside their mind, heart, and life.

Your sister may seem okay-ish because she suppresses conflicting emotions rather than processing them. While this may allow her to function well outwardly, it doesn’t necessarily mean she is truly calm. Suppressed emotions often manifest in unexpected ways—physical symptoms, anxiety, relationship struggles—especially during moments of major life stress or transition.

True emotional stability comes from integration, not avoidance, so if she never confronts her buried emotions, they could catch up to her later. Some people go through life suppressing feelings without obvious consequences, while others experience delayed emotional fallout. Whether her calmness is genuine or fragile depends on how deeply she has buried her emotions and whether future situations force her to reflect.

And now, about my sister and me—she minimized my mother’s misbehaviors, making herself believe her home life was just as normal as anyone else’s. As a teenager and young adult, she appeared far better than just okay-ish—physically beautiful, gracious, social, and seemingly so normal. That made me feel like a freak. If she was normal, then what did that make me? It felt as if my conflicted, distressed universe was a parallel universe to hers, one where everything was almost fine and dandy. So, the problem must have been me… or so I thought.

Unfortunately, my sister experienced the delayed emotional fallout I mentioned earlier. It happened when she was older than your sister is now, judging by your photo and knowing your sister is six years younger.

I haven’t spoken to my sister in a long time. Every day, I think about calling her, but I’m afraid of what I will hear if I do. I fear she might collapse at any moment. I fear hearing her fall apart.

I remember one time, when she was in her mid-20s, she pointed to her forehead, making a gesture that I was crazy—crazy for making things up, for greatly overreacting. Fast forward to now, I am the farthest from crazy that I have ever been, and she… is the closest. It breaks my heart.

anita