Dear Alessa:

I found myself smiling reading your post, enjoying your dark humor. Funny to me that the story involves sardines because I must be one of the only people in the world who eats a can of sardines per day, every single day, in olive oil (not in tomato source). I will reply further tomorrow morning (Mon 4 pm here, Tues 4 am where you’re at).

anita

Dear Tommy:

March 2, 2025, Tommy: “she was not appreciative of my opinion. Was not being what she said. Even apologized. Still she insisted I wasn’t being genuine. I have no prejudice nor hatred in my heart. Tried several times to apologize. Still she holds me in contempt. It becomes impossible to truly reach someone who holds no forgiveness”-

“She was not appreciative of my opinion”- here, you accuse Lily-Mae (the original poster of the Aug 2024 thread “He hurt me and left me for another woman”) of not valuing or recognizing the validity of your viewpoint. This suggests that you feel disregarded or dismissed by her.

“Was not being what she said”- here, you imply that Lily-Mae was not genuine or consistent in her actions and words, suggesting she was insincere or deceptive.

“Even apologized. Still she insisted I wasn’t being genuine”- here you blame Lily-Mae for not accepting your apologies, indicating that she questioned your sincerity and continued to hold a negative view of you despite your attempts to make amends.

“Still she holds me in contempt. It becomes impossible to truly reach someone who holds no forgiveness”- here, you accuse Lily-Mae of harboring contempt and being unforgiving.

In summary, your statements place responsibility on Lily-Mae for not appreciating your opinion, being inconsistent or insincere, rejecting your apologies, and maintaining an unforgiving attitude. These accusations indicate that you believe her behavior significantly contributed to the ongoing conflict and your inability to reach a resolution.

I think that reviewing and better understanding of what happened back then can be helpful:

Lily-Mae, in her thread “He hurt me and left me for another woman”, wrote in her short original post back on Aug 22, 2024: “I saw this man on an off for over two years. He was toxic towards me, told me from the start he does not want a relationship with me. I was obviously too stupid to not leave him… January this year he left me for another woman – who lives down the street from me. They are now in a committed relationship and he moved in with her – and she has a child… I feel depressed, hurt and angry. He treated me like trash, and now he treats her like a Princess… Why was I treated badly and not her? I wish I was good enough – but I’m not and that breaks me everyday. I need some advice please and thank you.”

Lily-Mae’s original post conveyed a deep sense of pain, confusion, and self-blame following a toxic relationship and its aftermath. She expressed intense feelings of depression, hurt, and anger, feeling that she was not good enough. She concludes by asking for advice, indicating a need for guidance and support in dealing with her emotions and understanding the situation. Her request for advice shows that she is reaching out for help.

In her second post she shared: “I currently see my psychiatrist and psychologist for years now… I went through childhood trauma. I always go for the wrong men because I feel ugly and worthless… I just want to die. And I’m planning on doing that…”

I started my response to the above (3rd response by that point) with “Dear Lily-Mae:… please call your psychiatrist, or an emergency number (911, USA) as quickly as possible and voice your suicidal thoughts- so that you can receive professional help.”.

The next reply was by you, Tommy (your first reply on her thread, Aug 26, 2024): “This man said he doesn’t want you and you spend your time whining about him… So, what? What are you looking for? For him to be nice to you?… He treated you badly from the start. What were you looking for by dating him? I am sure that you have suffered. And I am sorry that you had to go thru that. But what doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger. I hope you can resolve yourself to a life with someone else?? Bless you and good luck.”

Let’s look at your first reply to lily-Mae: referring to her as “whining” about the man is dismissive and invalidates her feelings. Asking “So, what? What are you looking for?” and other similar questions come across as confrontational and unhelpful when someone is in a vulnerable emotional state. Phrases like “he treated you badly from the start” and “what were you looking for by dating him?” come across as judging and blaming her for her situation, which is not helpful when she is already feeling down and blaming herself to start with.

While the phrase “what doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger” is meant to be encouraging, it can feel dismissive of the genuine pain and struggle she was experiencing at the time. Failing to acknowledge the severity of her depression and suicidal ideation can be dangerous. People in such states need compassionate support and professional help, not criticism.

Lily-Mae’s response to your reply (August 27): “Thank you, Tommy, for calling me a creep for getting a toxic person out of my life. What do you want me to do, Tommy? Be friends with him? So he can use me for a booty call like he always did?… So, Tommy, what am I looking for? I’m looking to die… So, Tommy, before you judge, be careful what you say. Because your message just made me extremely depressed. Thank you.”

Next, I contacted the owner of this website to alert her to the potential danger to Lily-Mae presented by your first reply to her. As a result, your first reply and her reply to you (both quoted above) were deleted from Lily-Mae’s thread.

Next, you posted (2nd reply in her thread): “Thank you Anita for showing me that I was wrong to reply to a suicidal person. My post has since been removed. It was not my intention to press her suicidal mood. Sorry. But, I do believe that she had all the signs that this was not a good relationship and yet she pressed forward with it..”-

– Despite your apology, you continued to blame her for being in her situation, pointing out that she had signs that the relationship was bad and chose to stay in it. This undermines the sincerity of your apology, as it shifts some responsibility back onto her.

Your next reply addressed to me (Aug 27): “I only reflected what she herself wrote. Told her she needs to change. Sometimes people need a kick in the butt to realize what they are doing is wrong. Move on. You read this one sided story and say poor girl. I see her doing this to herself… But, my apology is real… I react to people straight forward and you believe I am having anger issues. Are you projecting your own abuses on me? You want to sugar coat it. Okay, I’ll leave it to you. Live long and prosper.”-

While you stated that your apology was real, you continued to justify your harsh words. You apologized for speaking harshly to someone in pain and suicidal, but at the same time, you defended your approach and suggests that tough love is sometimes necessary. And then, in the same reply, you questioned my motives by asking if I was projecting my own abuses onto you. This shifts the focus away from your own behavior and places it on me.

In your next post, you quoted Lily-Mae and responded to the quote: “‘And now he completely hates me..” [/quote]I wonder why? You have been nothing but nice.”-

The statement “I wonder why?” suggests sarcasm, implying that the reason for Lily-Mae’s negative treatment is obvious. This tone is dismissive and condescending. By saying “You have been nothing but nice,” you were hinting that Lily-Mae’s behavior contributed to the way she was treated. This further places blame on her for the situation. Your response lacks empathy and understanding of Lily-Mae’s pain and fails to validate Lily-Mae’s experiences or emotions. Lily-Mae was already feeling inadequate and blamed herself for the way she was treated. Your responses likely reinforced her self-blame, making her feel even worse about herself.

Next, you posted: “Dear Lily-Mae, Please accept my heart felt apology. I am sorry for saying things which might have hurt you. I do hope that you find help to make your life better.

Dear Anita, Thanks you for turning this into a hostile environment. I do hope you get me banned from here. This will make your perfect record of helping people into a loss. Your rude post will remain in my memory even with my dementia. You will remain as the person who pushed me over the hill. Thanks so much.”-

– While the words to lily-Mae suggest a sincere apology, the context of your previous responses and the overall tone leave some doubt about the depth of your sincerity back then.

Your response to me was defensive and accusatory. You blamed you for creating a “hostile environment”. Your language was hostile, indicating that you felt attacked and unjustly treated. You accused me of being the reason for your potential ban and suggested that this would tarnish my “perfect record of helping people.” By stating that I pushed you over the hill, you portrayed yourself as a victim of my actions. This response combines an attempt at a sincere apology to Lily-Mae with a defensive and accusatory message to me.

Your next and last reply on that thread was on Aug 27, 2024, your last post on tiny buddha before your return on March 1, 2025: “This forum is a safe place for those who wish to express themselves. But, that seems to be only for the chosen few. Anyone with a dissenting position gets hacked at by the resident therapist, Anita… Unfortunately, she doesn’t see what she has done. But, that is just the way life is. Harsh and crude. I hope anyone who encounters such a situation can overcome their position and make a better life for themselves. Waiting for my membership to be revoked.”-

This last post in Lily-Mae’s thread contains a mix of resignation, bitterness, and accusations. You specifically criticized me of favoritism and intolerance of dissenting opinions. You asserted that I don’t see the negative impact of my actions, implying that I was unaware or dismissive of how my interactions affect others.

On March 2, 2025, in your most recent post in this thread, titled “Enlightenment”, a post addressed to me, you wrote: “You show sympathy and empathy and I guess that is what these people come here for. To be coddled and told that they deserve better.”- here, you (still) criticize my approach as “coddling,” suggesting that my approach is overly sympathetic and not effective in bringing about real change.

Here, while you offer an apology for your rude behavior, your yesterday’s post carries undertones of placing responsibility on both Lily-Mae and myself. You imply that external influences, particularly Lily-Mae’s reactions and my approach, contributed to the conflict and the resulting tensions. Your defensiveness and justification undermine the full sincerity of your apology.

At this point, Tom, following the above hours-long review and study, I want to offer you two responses Response

First, a Tough Love Response (your method). Second, an empathetic response, I’d call it a Love Response.

Response 1:

Dear Tommy:

Sure, you’ve apologized, but let’s face it—you were confrontational and that’s not okay. Your “heartfelt” apology seems more like a way to dodge the blame. You talk about others not appreciating your opinion, but maybe it’s because your delivery was harsh and out of line.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re still putting the blame on Lily-Mae for not accepting your apology. Maybe it’s time to recognize that saying sorry isn’t just about saying the words but also about truly meaning them and changing your approach.

I get it, you think you weren’t wrong. But your behavior says otherwise. If you want to be taken seriously and not be seen as the enemy, maybe start with a genuine apology and some real self-reflection.

Response 2:

Dear Tommy:

Thank you for your apology and for sharing your reflections. It takes courage to acknowledge the complexities of our interactions and the emotional turmoil that accompanies them.

I can sense that this situation has caused you a great deal of distress and frustration. It’s natural to feel hurt and defensive when our opinions are not appreciated, especially when we genuinely believe we are trying to help. Holding onto a sense of victimization can be incredibly painful and can make it challenging to move forward.

I understand that you feel your attempts at reconciliation were not acknowledged, leaving you with a sense of being misunderstood, unappreciated, and perhaps even isolated. It can be incredibly disheartening to reach out with genuine intentions and feel that you are being disregarded or doubted. This kind of emotional response is entirely natural and can lead to frustration and sadness, as it seems that despite your best efforts, achieving resolution and connection remains elusive.

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we can come across in ways that we don’t intend and that may hurt others. It’s a challenging situation that many of us have experienced. Do you know what I mean?

Your commitment to balancing kindness with honesty is admirable. It’s a delicate balance, and it’s clear you’re working on finding that equilibrium. Recognizing that healing and forgiveness take time is crucial. Sometimes, what people need most is compassionate support and understanding, which helps them feel heard and valued.

Let’s continue to focus on creating a supportive and understanding environment for everyone here. Your efforts towards self-awareness and growth are valuable, and I hope we can all learn from this experience.

Take care of yourself, Tommy, and know that your journey towards empathy and kindness is an important one.

Considering the above two different approaches, Tommy, which one— when applied to yourself— do you find more preferable and potentially beneficial?

anita

Dear Alessa:

No worries at all about the delay – I understand how busy life can get.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot to me. I’m glad that sharing my experiences was helpful for you as well. ❤️

Your encouragement is very much appreciated. It’s been a challenging journey, but I believe in moving forward and continuing to grow. 😊

It’s comforting to know that you understand the difficulty of hypervigilance and the fear of being hurt. It certainly is not easy, but knowing we’re not alone in these experiences can make a difference.

Thank you for your good wishes and your confidence in me. It truly uplifts my spirits. I wish you all the best as well. Take care and stay strong.

anita

Dear Tom:

It’s great to hear from you, and I hope you’re doing well too.

I’m glad to see you’re taking proactive steps by looking into a career coach and reaching out to recruiters. Balancing your current role with self-care through fresh air, exercise, and reading sounds like a healthy approach.

Exploring self-employment and new job opportunities can provide you with valuable insights into what might be the best path forward.

If you need someone to talk to or if there’s any way I can support you during this transition, feel free to reach out. Wishing you all the best as you navigate these decisions.

Take care and stay in touch.

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad my example resonated with you and helped illustrate the concept. The “infinite loop divided by 0” is such an apt metaphor for the trap we fall into with compounded negative emotions.

Your reference to Buddha’s concept of Maya is deeply insightful. It does seem like one of the ways we create our own illusions and suffering. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them.

I appreciate your reflections and the wisdom you bring to our conversations.

anita

Dear Drew:

You’re very welcome! I’m glad to read that you found my reply comprehensive and helpful. It’s great that you have a plan of approach and are ready to go back to your GP’s practice. I understand that the initial dismissal was frustrating, but it’s encouraging to read that you usually have good experiences with them.

With a well-thought-out strategy, I’m hopeful they’ll consider investigating further this time. If you ever need additional support or have more questions along the way, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Best of luck with everything, and take care! Bye for now,

anita

Dear Drew:

After submitting my last post to you, I realized that I focused primarily on the unintentional vocalization of your thoughts and neglected the second part of your post. Based on what you shared about your lifelong struggle with controlling your responses, there are potential conditions that might be relevant. While only a qualified healthcare professional can provide a definitive diagnosis, here are some conditions you might consider:

Impulse Control Disorders (ICDs): These are mental health conditions characterized by difficulties in controlling impulses and behaviors that can cause harm to oneself or others. These disorders often involve actions that are aggressive, destructive, or socially inappropriate. Here are two types that might be relevant:

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED): This involves sudden episodes of unwarranted anger and aggression. Individuals with IED may have outbursts that are disproportionate to the situation.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD): Although more common in children, ODD can persist into adulthood. It involves a pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures.

Your thread title, “SELF CONTROL,” aligns with the challenges posed by impulse control disorders. You mentioned reacting impulsively to situations in ways you regret, which fits well with characteristics of these disorders. Your desire to respond in a controlled and deliberate manner indicates self-awareness and a wish for better impulse control.

Towards the end of your post, you wrote:

“What I WANT to do in all such situations is be fully aware of what’s going on, be fully aware of what I’m doing, and RESPOND in a deliberate, controlled, assertive way; and ideally be calm too. Have any of you managed this? If so, how? If not – PLEASE DON’T RESPOND!”-

Your use of uppercase letters and strong language indicates intense emotional responses, which align with IED. People with IED often experience sudden outbursts of anger and frustration. Your frustration with not being able to control your responses reflects a key aspect of IED, where individuals wish for better control over their impulses and reactions.

Your emphatic instruction to not receive unsolicited advice (“PLEASE DON’T RESPOND!”) and your frustration with well-meaning people fit the defiant and oppositional behavior seen in ODD.

While your posts exhibit behaviors and feelings that may align with these disorders, it’s essential to remember that a comprehensive evaluation by a mental health professional is necessary for an accurate diagnosis. Your unique symptoms and experiences need to be assessed in the context of your overall mental health and history.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a recommended treatment for impulse control disorders. It starts with a comprehensive assessment to understand your specific symptoms, triggers, and the situations in which you struggle the most. Together, you and your therapist would set clear, achievable goals for therapy, which might include learning to control your vocalizations and managing your impulsive reactions.

CBT involves cognitive restructuring, which helps identify and challenge negative or irrational thoughts contributing to impulsive behaviors. For example, if you think, “I can’t control myself,” a therapist would help you reframe this thought to something more positive and empowering, like “I can learn strategies to manage my impulses.”

Skills training is also a key component of CBT, where you can learn specific skills to help control your impulses and vocalizations. This includes developing strategies to handle difficult situations more effectively, allowing you to respond rather than react.

I suffered from impulse control issues myself and had CBT therapy for two years (2011-13), achieving great success with impulse control, and will gladly share more about it with you, if you are interested.

You’re not alone in this journey, Drew, and I believe in your strength to overcome these challenges.

anita