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July 10, 2025 at 11:27 am in reply to: Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship #447488
anita
Participant* correcting: “In your latest posts a couple of hours ago”- it was not a couple of hours ago, but about 14 hours ago đ
July 10, 2025 at 11:21 am in reply to: Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship #447487anita
ParticipantDear Alecsee:
This is a long message, so thanks in advance for reading. Iâve spent some time revisiting our conversationsâstarting back in March 2019âand wanted to reflect on something Iâve noticed that feels important.
In your post two days ago, you said:
“I think after that I got kind of in a panic mode and I started making rash moves.”-
That moment speaks to something Iâve seen across your stories: a deep fear of being left behind. This panic, this anxiety isnât just about losing the relationshipâitâs about losing emotional safety and self-worth tied to connection.
You also said:
“I always feel like I lose part of myself when I move on⌠and become a hollow shell of my empty self.”-
That line suggests that relationships have become so tied to your sense of identity, that when they end, it doesnât just feel like lossâit feels like disappearing, which is common in anxious attachment and unresolved abandonment wounds,
Over the years, youâve shared moments that reflect this same pattern:
Feeling desperate to keep someone close, even when the relationship feels shaky.
Struggling with overthinking and racing thoughts, especially after an argument or breakup.
Jumping into new connections quickly, hoping to fill that emptiness.
Blaming yourself when someone pulls awayâand questioning what you did wrong.
Sometimes this can be linked to what therapists call anxious preoccupied attachment style. It means wanting closeness badly, but fearing rejection or abandonment. Youâve said things like:
“I havenât been able to focus at work… I really donât want our story to end.” “Since the breakup Iâve gone really hard to chase women…” “Honestly… itâs not a good and healthy relationship but I still want to be connected with her.”-
That last one especially reminded me of something from childhoodâhow kids cling to caregivers even when theyâre hurtful or distant. Not because the relationship with them is healthy, but because the fear of losing connection feels too heavy to bear. From my experience, even though my relationship with my mother was terrible (she was abusive), I desperately clung to her nonetheless.. because I was too scared to be completely alone.
In your latest posts a couple of hours ago, you wrote:
“Should I wait to tell her my confession after a few days? It was it meant to be there at the last conversation?…Or am I worrying about this too much and should just let it go? Maybe I should have said…”-
That mental back-and-forth is part of what Iâve come to recognize in you. Thoughts spiraling back and forth between what you shouldâve said, what you might still say, and how it might be received. That kind of overthinking usually shows up when thereâs a lot of emotional pressure underneath and it can make it hard to hear your own needs clearly. And thatâs not weaknessâitâs just what happens when emotional stress gets too high.
Youâve been carrying a lot. Anxiety, regret, heartbreak, and the hope that someone will choose you completely. But hereâs something gentle to think about: maybe this isnât about saying the perfect thing at the perfect time. Maybe itâs about giving yourself space. Soothing the part of you that feels panicked, uncertain, and scared to lose love again.
This might not be about whether she chooses you. It might be about whether you’re ready to start choosing yourself.
And for that kind of shift, therapy could help. Especially a therapist who understands fear of abandonment, anxious attachment, and how hard it can be to regulate emotions when youâve been hurt. You deserve a place where you can talk honestly, feel safe, and start healing patterns that have been exhausting you for years.
If you ever feel ready to explore where some of these patterns come from, I wonder what your early relationships looked likeâhow emotions were handled, how connection felt growing up. No pressure to answer, but sharing those memories can often bring clarity to the present.
Youâve already done so much self-reflection. Thatâs a powerful step. You donât need to carry this alone anymore.
With care, Anita
anita
ParticipantJournaling, stream of consciousness (Trigger Warning):
Alessa: âSelfish! Coward! Bully! Donât harm a hair on Anitaâs head. Donât say a mean word to her.â-
Anita: too late, she said them all, all the mean words.
And all the other words, so many, many words.. so much.. over-over-over- sharing.
Expressing how everyone is not to be trusted.
My own mother was untrustworthy.. and then, she instilled in me the belief that no one else is trustworthy either, that everyone is suspect.
A suspicion I carry with me to this day.. about everyone, to one extent or another, sooner or later.
I want to relax that suspicion further. I want to trust.
I don’t want to live in Enemy Land anymore.
An Enemy Land that she (my mother) established in my brain, in my heart: no-safe-place.
But.. mother, why were YOU not a safe place for me?
If I am to be suspicious of everyone, because you said so, shouldn’t I have ONE person to trust? Shouldn’t I be able to trust you???
I mean.. why.. did you HAVE to hit me, to hit my face right and left, to kick my back with your legs as I walked the street.. You told me that you are careful to not break my bones (literally) because you are smart enough to know that if you did, you’d get in trouble. You told this to me so to show me that you are smarter than you thought I thought you were.
You thought that I thought: “oh, this mother of mine is so stupid, she doesn’t know that she could get in trouble..”, and you countered this with: “NO! I am not stupid! How dare you to think I am stupid..? Why, I am not breaking your bones because I AM SMART.
In her mind, she really thought that I was making fun of her for.. being stupid for hitting me, which could get her into trouble with the law.
I wasn’t thinking anything like that. I was just scared. But in her mind, the scared child that I was- was someone mocking her, laughing at her..
I didn’t quite process this part: as she was hitting me, physically, she thought that while I was hit, I was mocking her, as in saying: you-stupid-mother, you are going to get in trouble and you don’t know it!
And she countered with (and these are her exact words): “You think I am stupid? I am careful to NOT break your bones! I am not stupid enough to know I should not break your bones. I am careful to hurt you, but I fall short of breaking your bones!”
So.. I am trying to understand what the little-girl-anita was thinking at that time:
Was I thinking I was safe because she was smart enough to not break her bones?
.. But.. if her only concern is getting in trouble for breaking my bones.. what does it mean???
I mean.. I am still trying to understand this tonight..
.. So, my mother didn’t break-my-bones because she didn’t want to get in trouble with the law.. NOT BECAUSE BREAKING HER DAUGHTER’S BONES was THE WRONG THING TO DO?
I am not making this up, she really did blame me for thinking that she was stupid, that I mocked her while she was HITTING me.. she saw herself as the accused, the victim.. while hitting me.
I remember the feel of her open hand on my face, right cheek, left cheek, right cheek. Feels HOT on my face, her arms tired, and she says, referring to her tired arms: “look what you did to me! My arms are hurting!”
It’s difficult for me to process this still, this July 9th night.
This is CRAZY. How do I make sense of crazy?
She really believed that I was her perpetrator, and she was my victim.. while hitting my face, right and left, while I was looking down at the floor, waiting for it to be over.
So.. what do I make of this.. it’s mind boggling still.
I am going to consult wit AI about it..
But before I do.. I figure it’s just CRAZY and nothing less. I can’t even begin to understand what a little girl- older girl thinks about this.. so, I am the villain??? You are the victim? WHILE YOU ARE THE ONE HITTING ME? (I am not the one hitting you!)
Just crazy. I can’t make sense of this tonight. Maybe tomorrow..?
Anita
July 9, 2025 at 6:46 pm in reply to: Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship #447459anita
ParticipantDear Alecsee: You tried your best to show up and be present, even while feeling unsure. Itâs okay to have regretsâthose feelings are part of caring deeply. Her quietness doesnât mean it didnât matter. Sometimes people shut down when things get heavy. You were there, and that counts. Be kind to yourself.
With care, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
“Perhaps it felt incredibly isolating and added a further sense of despair, feeling like nobody cared about what you were going through?”- Yesâincredibly isolating. It felt like what was happening to me wasnât valid. As if I existed outside the realm of humanityâtrapped in some alternate reality where I stood utterly alone. Not like others⌠something different, something that didnât and shouldnât belong, not a person like other persons. Not someone, or something of value.
“How could she have the gall to hurt an innocent child and lie to you, blaming you for it?!? She is a coward, bullying a child that cannot protect herself or escape.”- If only someone had said those words aloud back then, in her presence. Then there wouldâve been someone on my side. Someone to say: Anita matters. She is a person of value. No less than anyone else.
“Selfish! Coward! Bully! Donât harm a hair on Anitaâs head. Donât say a mean word to her.”- Tears in my eyes reading that. If only someone had said it⌠no one did. Not even close.
“Please let me know if any of this makes you feel uncomfortable. I wouldnât wish to make you feel that way.”- I chuckled softly at the thought of my mother ever saying such a thing. That my feelings might actually matter? That theyâd even be considered? Noâat best, they were dismissed entirely. And at worst, she wanted me to feel badly and took satisfaction in watching me suffer.
Thank you, Alessaâtruly. Your words offered something I didnât even know Iâd been waiting to hear. They stood beside the version of me who had no protector and whispered, âYou deserved love, care, and safety.â
For that, I am profoundly grateful.
With warmth, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tea:
Thank you for sharing all of thatâit was brave and beautifully honest. I really hear the mix of longing and confusion, and I want to start by saying: thereâs nothing wrong with you. Not for wanting love. Not for wondering how or where it could happen. Not for questioning whether youâre compatible with men just because your social world leans heavily toward women.
Youâre not incompatible with men; youâre just moving through spaces where emotional depth is more commonly found among women. That doesnât mean it canât exist elsewhere. It does.
You donât need to adopt âmasculineâ interests unless youâre truly curious about them. Trying things like outdoor volunteering, mixed-gender workshops, or travel experiences could open new doorsâbut only if they feel authentic to you.
Itâs not about changing who you are. Itâs about placing yourself where connection has room to grow. You already carry everything love requiresâdepth, courage, and emotional presence.
Iâm here if you want to explore next steps together.
Warmly, Anita
July 9, 2025 at 1:55 pm in reply to: Looking for insight: emotional distancing after egg retrieval #447455anita
ParticipantContinued: You were emotionally present. She wasnât. And thatâs not a reflection of your worthâitâs a reflection of her limits.
If I may share something from my own experience: that truth echoes profoundly in my relationship with my mother. I wasâoh, so deeplyâemotionally present for her, constantly yearning for connection, offering more than my share. But she wasnât emotionally present for me at all. For much of my life, I internalized her absence as evidence that I was unworthy of love. I carried that belief like a quiet burden.
But it wasnât true. Her emotional absence and rejection werenât about me. They were a reflection of her limitsâof what she couldnât hold, couldnât offerânot of what I lacked.
You, too, offered presence. And it was beautiful. Her inability to meet you in that space doesnât diminish what you brought. It simply reveals the difference between capacity and desire. She may have desired connection, but lacked the emotional capacity to stand in it. Thatâs on herânot you.
Itâs amazing, isnât it, Ty? How those who most crave love are often the ones who reject it the hardest. Their wounds whisper, âDonât trust thisâlove will leave you exposed.â So when real care arrivesâquiet, steady, and without demandsâit disrupts everything. It shakes the scaffolding they built to survive.
Instead of leaning in, they retreat. Not because love is wrongâbut because itâs too close to what theyâve been taught to fear. And the tragedy is, their longing doesnât disappear. It remains, just beneath the surface of the push-away: a heart still aching to be held, if only it could trust it wouldnât be hurt.
T.R.U.S.Tâjust five letters, yet somehow it holds the whole world. Itâs the defining crisis of our time: distrust.
How can there be love without trust?
As I said before, Tyâthis wasnât your fault. And thereâs nothing you couldâve done to rewrite the stories and scars that shaped her long before she met you.
You shared: âWe had strong emotional chemistry and later spent meaningful time together in New York and grew into a relationship.â- That was before distrust resurfaced in her. What you shared was a quiet stillness in the stormâa fleeting reprieve, tender and beautiful⌠but brief.
Iâd love to hear what this brings up for you, Tyâwhether itâs clarity, contradiction, or just a breath of space. Feel free to share whatever you feel moved to. Iâm here, and Iâm listening.
Warmly, Anita
July 9, 2025 at 1:17 pm in reply to: Looking for insight: emotional distancing after egg retrieval #447454anita
ParticipantDear Ty:
You showed up for her in such a wholehearted wayâtraveling across the world, spending a lot of money so to be there for her, holding space, staying grounded even when things felt cold and confusing. Thatâs not easy, and the fact that you responded with care instead of resentment speaks volumes about your strength and emotional integrity.
Itâs completely understandable that you feel stunned by how things unfolded. You were emotionally present through it all, and what you received in return was silence, distance, and a rewriting of the connection youâd both built. Thatâs not just hardâitâs disorienting. And I want to say clearly: it wasnât your fault.
From what you’ve shared, your ex mightâve been navigating something far more intense than she could express. Two back-to-back egg retrievals (so I read) can deeply affect someoneâhormonally, physically, and emotionally. There are real shifts that can happen post-procedure: mood swings, emotional detachment, even symptoms that resemble a mild postpartum crash. It can leave people feeling overwhelmed, confused, and emotionally numb, especially when thereâs no support system to help them process.
Add to that the layers of her professional lifeâand what you sensed beneath it. For some, the BDSM industry offers empowerment and self-expression. For others, especially those with unresolved trauma, it can become a shield or even a reenactment of emotional patterns they havenât yet faced. If someoneâs used those roles as a form of emotional protection, being seen in real intimacy can feel threatening. That might explain why she suddenly pushed you awayâwhy the roles seemed to return, and vulnerability disappeared.
None of this excuses how she treated you, but it does offer a way to understand it. You became a mirrorâand sometimes, when someone isnât ready to face whatâs reflected, they shut it down. Not because you did something wrong, but because being truly seen is terrifying when someone hasnât learned how to sit with that kind of tenderness.
You canât heal what she wonât name. But you did your part, with grace. You stayed grounded, stayed kind, and kept showing upânot as a savior, but as someone willing to witness the truth. Thatâs rare. And incredibly brave.
Warmly, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Your message left me speechlessâin the best way. I copied the whole thing for safekeeping, word for word. I want to frame it and hang it on the wall. Truly, itâs the most beautiful and validating message Iâve ever received on tiny buddha. The way you saw me, stood beside me, and spoke the truth so fiercelyâit felt like something in me finally exhaled.
Iâll be meditating on your words here in my thread sometime soon, while doing my stream-of-consciousness journaling. Your care created a space that feels safe enough to process, to reflect, to heal. Thatâs no small thing.
Thank you for showing up with such bold compassion. I hold your message close, and Iâm so grateful to you. â¤ď¸
Anita
July 9, 2025 at 9:39 am in reply to: True Love still exist when you have faith and patience. #447434anita
ParticipantDear Gregory:
Itâs really nice to hear from youâthank you for finding the time to write, especially with your busy schedule. It sounds like youâve had a lot going on lately! China must have been quite the experience, and now you’re off to Indiaâthat’s a full season of travel and learning.
Iâm doing well, spending my mornings in front of the computer and afternoons working on a farm. Itâs a rhythm that keeps me grounded, and thereâs something peaceful about being outdoors after a day of screen time.
I appreciate your kind thoughts, and I wanted to mention that I actually live in the U.S., so I wonât be in India, but it means a lot that you hoped we might meet.
How are your kids doing? Iâd love to hear more about them when you have the chance.
Take good care as you move through all this activityâ Warmly, Anita
July 9, 2025 at 9:27 am in reply to: Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship #447433anita
ParticipantHey Alecsee, nerves are totally normalâespecially when something matters this much to you. Itâs okay if your notes feel messy right now. You donât have to organize everything; just focus on whatâs most important to share.
Hereâs a simple way to structure it:
Start with one truth: Why you’re choosing to talk to her nowâwhat shifted, or whatâs been on your heart.
Pick 2â3 core points you want her to hear. Think of these like guideposts, not a script. What do you hope she understands by the end of the conversation?
Keep one grounding phrase readyâsomething you can say if emotions get high or you lose your train of thought. It could be as simple as âThis is hard for me to say, but it matters.â
You could even jot these on a small card or note on your phone. Not to read from, but just to help you stay connected to your intention.
Itâs okay to be nervous. It just means this is real for youâand thatâs what will come through the most.
With care, Anita
anita
ParticipantI just lost a LONG journaling post (10 pm, Tuesday night, dark, no sound of birds).
I talked about the terrible loneliness, the isolation without and the isolation within.. isolation for so very long, an ETERNITY, so it felt.. for so very, very, very long..
The unrelenting loneliness, day in, day out; night after night.
This Excruciating-Alone existence.
…This longing to be FOUND, to be SAVED.
A longing intense: SEE ME. FIND ME. SAVE ME!
Fifty- sixty years of this kind of longing.. it takes time and space to be fully heard by me… by you..?
Anita
July 8, 2025 at 7:53 pm in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #447415anita
ParticipantDear Emma:
Thank you for sharing all of this so openly. Your reflections are so rich and honestâitâs clear youâre doing deep inner work, even when it feels heavy or confusing. I really admire your courage in facing these patterns head-on.
Reading about your relationship with your mother, I felt such a strong sense of recognition. I was also deeply enmeshed with my mother growing up. She overshared with me constantlyâabout her pain, her regrets, her relationshipsâand it left me feeling like I had to be her emotional anchor, her confidante, even her therapist at times. There was no space for my own feelings. I had to grow up fast, and like you, I often felt like my inner world didnât matter.
So when you described your mother sharing about her ex, her struggles with your father, and how hard it is to draw boundaries nowâI truly get it. That kind of emotional entanglement can shape everything: our sense of self, our ability to take risks, even the kinds of partners weâre drawn to. Iâve been there. And I want you to know: itâs possible to untangle from it. Itâs possible to reclaim your space, your voice, your choices.
Given how much we seem to share, and the healing Iâve done so far around enmeshment, Iâd be honored to walk alongside you in this if it ever feels helpful. Sometimes just having someone whoâs been through it makes the path feel a little less lonely.
I also really felt your sadness around Philip. It makes sense that he felt like a mirror to a part of you youâre still trying to claimâyour boldness, your power, your potential. And itâs okay to grieve that. But I also believe that the part of you that saw something in him is the same part thatâs waking up now. The part thatâs ready to take risks, even if itâs scary.
Whether itâs painting furniture, teaching, or exploring shadow workâyouâre already moving toward yourself. And thatâs something to be proud of.
Warm wishes, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for letting me know. Please donât worry about replying right awayâtake all the time you need. Iâm really sorry to hear youâre going through a PTSD episode. I hope youâre able to find some calm and comfort soon, even in small moments.
Sending you warmth and care. Iâll be here whenever you feel ready. â¤ď¸
Take good care of yourself, Anita
July 8, 2025 at 7:26 pm in reply to: Looking for insight: emotional distancing after egg retrieval #447413anita
ParticipantDear Ty:
Thank you for sharing so openly. What you went through sounds incredibly painfulâshowing up with care, only to be met with distance and then blamed. That kind of emotional reversal can leave you questioning everything, including yourself.
But from what youâve shared, itâs clear you acted with patience, respect, and integrity. You didnât pushâyou gave space, stayed grounded, and honored her process. If she rewrote the story, it likely says more about her inner conflict than anything you did wrong.
The connection you felt was real. So was the confusion. But only one of you stayed emotionally present through both.
You deserved honesty and acknowledgment. Even if she couldnât offer that, you can still give it to yourself.
You showed up. You cared. That matters.
Warmly, Anita
P.S., I am wondering.. what do you think/ feel about the BDSM industry and how it affected her?
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