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anitaParticipantTelling survivors of severe childhood abuse to “Get Over It” is harmful regardless of the intent of the person saying it.
After all, parents who severely beat their children may have the intent to make their children stronger.. a positive intent, is it?
Intent does not make abusive behavior okay.
People need to process their trauma at their pace and not be pressured or criticized. The pressure and criticism is adding abuse on top of abuse.
If a person feels triggered by reading someone else’s processing (with no mention of the reader, nothing to do with the reader)- the reader should stop reading instead of criticizing.
This is what this thread is about: to support people processing their trauma and to discourage people from interfering with such processing.. regardless of the criticizer’s intent.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome, always!
You wrote, “I think I know I have these fearful avoidant attachment style… I would like to share but I am unsure where to start”- I wonder if books on the topic can help you start, maybe “Fearful Avoidant Attachment” by Vincenzo Venezia – it explores the patterns of fearful-avoidant attachment and offers strategies for overcoming relationship struggles..?
anita
anitaParticipant❤️
May 12, 2025 at 7:07 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445672anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for your thoughtful response—I truly appreciate the reflection and openness you bring to these conversations. I really like engaging with you too 😊.
I agree with your insight about rejection coming from self-rejection— indeed, how often do we interpret others’ actions as rejection when, beneath it all, we’re already rejecting ourselves first? This is why self-acceptance is so important.
Your words about validating my own needs and supporting myself mean a lot. I’m really glad you shared that because I think personal validation is such an ongoing journey—it’s easy to lose sight of it, and your encouragement reinforces the importance of staying committed to it.
What you said about the bond between a child and their mother struck me too. Have you reflected on what happens to those early bonds in your own experience? How do you think trauma changes them over time?
Also, I really appreciate your openness to adjusting how you communicate. I personally don’t feel you take away from my experience at all—I really value how you bring different perspectives into the discussion. It makes it richer, more layered ❤️
anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences—I truly appreciate the depth and honesty in your response.
I completely agree that healing is not a simple, one-size-fits-all process. Everyone’s journey is unique, and what helps one person may not necessarily work for another.
I also appreciate your clarification on “letting go” and how it’s not about repressing emotions. That aligns with my own views as well—healing isn’t about forcefully discarding pain but about finding a way to coexist with it in a way that doesn’t dominate your life.
What you said about people being uncomfortable with vulnerability also makes a lot of sense. It’s true that many times, when people tell someone to “just let go” or “move on,” it’s not always meant to dismiss their pain—it may be more about their own discomfort in witnessing suffering. That’s an important point.
Thank you for contributing such thoughtful perspectives ❤️
anita
anitaParticipantDear Suzanne:
Thank you for your kind words—it truly means a lot to me that what I wrote helped you feel even a little more grounded. You are going through an incredible loss, and it’s understandable that feelings of grief, anger, and longing still arise, especially when you reflect on the past 30 years with his family. Another layer of goodbye, another piece of hurt. But I’m glad to hear that your daughter and friends are supporting you—because they are the ones who truly see and appreciate you for who you are.
You mentioned getting stuck in the “what ifs” and expectations of what his family should do. That makes perfect sense—your connection to them was part of your world for decades, and the silence now can feel like rejection. But here’s something to consider:
When we hold onto ideas of what should be, we create suffering because reality is showing us something different. They should reach out, you think. They should care more. But they are not. And that isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s a reflection of their choices, their priorities, their own limitations.
What happens when you gently allow yourself to let go of these expectations? It doesn’t mean the pain vanishes, but it means you stop directing your energy toward a door that has already closed. Instead, you can focus on the ones that remain open—the love from your daughter, the support from friends, the quiet yet powerful strength growing within you.
I wanted to find books that might be helpful for you, so I researched titles that focus on healing, acceptance, and emotional resilience. Here are some that I came across:
* Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach (on how to release inner resistance and embrace life as it is).
* The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chödrön (on facing discomfort and finding strength in the present moment).
* How to Be Loving by Danielle LaPorte (on softening self-judgment and nurturing self-compassion).
* Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins (on emotional release and how to stop holding onto pain)
* Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff (on replacing self-criticism with kindness and understanding).
If any of these resonate with you, they may be worth exploring.
About letting go of pain- it isn’t about forcing it away—it’s about processing it, understanding it, and slowly releasing its grip on you. Here are some meaningful steps that can help:
1. Instead of resisting or denying how you feel, allow yourself to sit with the emotions. Recognizing them without self-criticism is the first step toward healing.
2. Often, pain lingers because of the meaning we give it, such as that it will never end, or that we deserved it. Ask yourself: Is this story helping me heal, or is it keeping me stuck?
3. Treat yourself as you would a close friend going through the same situation. Instead of replaying regrets or self-blame, try affirming: “I am human. I am allowed to hurt. But I am also allowed to heal.”
4. Pain often keeps us locked in the past—thinking about what was, what could have been. Ground yourself in the present with mindfulness, activities that engage your senses, or simply reminding yourself: “I am here, right now.”
5. Not all pain comes with a perfect resolution. Sometimes, we have to accept what happened without waiting for an apology or a final understanding. Closure is something you can choose and create for yourself.
6. Social media, certain conversations, places, or routines might keep reopening the wound. If something constantly pulls you back into the pain, try setting boundaries around it until you feel stronger.
7. Whether it’s writing, therapy, meditation, movement, art, or deep conversations with trusted people, allow yourself to express and process what you feel in ways that nourish you.
8. Letting go isn’t a single moment—it’s a series of choices, small shifts, and gentle reminders to release pain little by little. There is no rush, only movement forward.
Suzanne, you are not alone in this. I’m always here to talk if you want to share more. Sending you warmth and strength today. 💙
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jason:
Thanks for posting. I actually replied to James the same day he posted back in November 2020 (see above) but he did not post since. I would love for him to return and share more—but if he doesn’t, and if you’re comfortable, you’re also welcome to share your story here or start a new thread of your own. Whatever feels right for you!
Looking forward to hearing more about your experience if you choose to share.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
Good to read from you again 😊. I can feel the weight of everything you’ve been carrying lately—loss, rejection, self-doubt, and the emotional exhaustion of trying to hold yourself together while facing so many changes. It makes sense that all of this would hit hard, especially since it connects to old wounds you’ve been working through for years.
On the positive side, congratulations for:
* Seeing a therapist to organize your thoughts and emotions.
* Recognizing Instagram is harmful and choosing grounding alternatives.
* Expressing your emotions through writing, helping you process and regulate them better.
Because you mentioned an ex you dated more than 10 years ago, I revisited your threads from May 31, 2016 (“Break up after massive tantrums, because my Ex cheated on me with my best friend”) and June 23, 2016 (“Moving on- anger management and sense of security”). Reading through them again, I see how complex and painful this experience was for you.
We discussed your attachment style just a bit in June 2024, but not back in 2016. Looking at our earliest communication, it seems that your attachment style has been Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment—meaning you’ve experienced conflicting desires for closeness and independence.
This push-pull dynamic shaped your relationship:
* You wanted connection but felt suffocated when she needed too much closeness.
* You feared losing her when she was distant but felt trapped when she relied too heavily on your approval.
* You struggled with deep fears of abandonment, which made letting go so painful after the breakup.
Meanwhile, your ex likely had an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment—she needed constant reassurance, sought your validation, and often felt rejected even when you didn’t intend to push her away. When she felt uncertain about your relationship, she turned to someone else (your friend) instead of addressing issues directly.
Your contributions to the breakup:
* Emotional distance & blunt criticism – At times, you dismissed her sensitivity, and your directness hurt her.
* Struggled with commitment – You admitted you weren’t fully invested at first, which may have made her feel uncertain.
* Control & impatience – Instead of accepting her, you often tried to “fix” aspects of her behavior.
* Intense emotional reactions after the betrayal – Your understandable anger, accusations, and distrust made reconciliation impossible.
Her contributions to the breakup:
* Seeking external validation instead of addressing issues – She turned to someone else rather than working through doubts within the relationship.
* Emotional dependency – She relied too heavily on your approval, making you feel pressured.
* Blaming you for her pain – She shifted the emotional burden onto you, instead of taking full accountability.
* Immediately moving on – Instead of allowing space for healing, she entered a relationship with your former friend, deepening your heartbreak.
The Paradox of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Inside the relationship, one feels suffocated by a partner’s emotional dependence. Closeness feels overwhelming, triggering a desire for space and control. Outside the relationship, one feels abandoned, craving the comfort of knowing someone deeply cares. Essentially, you struggle between wanting love but fearing the vulnerability that comes with it.
When you are in a love relationship, it feels too much—but when you lose it, you are devastated.
Fast Forward 9 Years- your recent experiences highlight the deep influence of fearful-avoidant attachment—longing for security but feeling trapped when closeness becomes overwhelming. These patterns don’t just appear in romantic relationships; they also affect friendships and even your relationship with your cats.
Your friend cutting ties triggered deep rejection and abandonment fears, reinforcing the painful belief: “Am I so bad that everyone leaves me?”. Even though your ex left years ago, seeing her with someone else still stirs old insecurities—not because you want her back, but because it reawakens feelings of rejection.
You wonder “What if she came back?”—but deep down, you also know you wouldn’t want that.
Your doubts about adopting your cats reflect the same emotional conflict you’ve had in relationships—you love them, but also fear being stuck with them.
This mirrors the way you’ve wanted closeness in relationships but also feared being “stuck” or suffocated.
Personally, I’ve struggled with the same attachment style as you, and maybe even more so. I understand how difficult it can be to navigate these patterns and the emotional push-pull they create. If you’d like to talk more about it, I’d be happy to explore this together 💙
anita
anitaParticipantI don’t expect you, Laven, to talk to me directly, as in addressing me by my name and saying something to me, but it would be a dream come true if you did. We have more in common than you know, more than I have the courage to share- in regard to loss of autonomy and agency. I understand if talking to me directly feels scary. This is why our “Ty” is good-enough for me.
anita
May 11, 2025 at 8:22 pm in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445630anitaParticipantMy space, My thread, My Story. Anita’s Story.
Anita’s Story has been about My Mother’s Story. She has Placed Her Story Center-stage in my life early on, since my first few years of life.
With her gone from center stage, there on stage is me. Being new on center stage, I am scared that a member in these forums, reading my words, will spot me and attack me, simply because this is what I am used to: being attacked, humiliated, pushed away to the margins, or just harshly ignored by someone loud, dominant, aggressive or just indifferent.
I am scared of people. But I will continue to claim center stage in my life. Fear and Courage Coexist in Me.
anita
anitaParticipantYou are very welcome, Suzanne, reading your message made my day, thank you! I am using my phone and will reply further when I am back to the computer in the morning.
Anita
May 11, 2025 at 10:39 am in reply to: The Betrayal We Buried: Healing Through Truth & Connection #445610anitaParticipantMy space, My thread, My Story. Anita’s Story
For as long as I can remember, I unknowingly chased my mother’s love, and I waited and waited for her to love me. I tried, in countless ways, to cause her to consider me worthy of love. Even in my anger, I still longed for her love.
Beneath everything was little-girl Anita—asking, pleading, trying to earn her love, trying to convince her I was worthy of it.
I never realized how deeply tied I was to her. I thought I was running away, distancing myself—mentally, physically, even moving across the world to escape her. But the truth is, I was chasing her all along.
And now, I accept that it will never happen.
The love I longed for simply isn’t there—it never was. I can let go of that longing now. I can stop chasing, stop waiting.
But I love her—I always have, and I always will. My love for her is the core of who I am. I will no longer deny or suppress this truth.
Yet this love is not a call to action. I don’t need to seek her out. It simply exists, and I allow it the space within me to breathe—no longer suppressing, no longer suffocating.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
You experienced a lifetime of forced interactions, emotional betrayal, and psychological torment. You were pushed into situations that disregarded your boundaries—from attending your mother’s funeral against your wishes to being forced into unwanted social settings. Throughout your school years, you were bullied, excluded, and humiliated, leading you to withdraw further.
Your stalker followed you across different life stages, manipulating people and creating fear that lasted years. Then, D subjected you to sexual violence and later attempted to manipulate you through prison letters, alternating between apologies and threats. When another girl tried to speak with you about your shared experience, you ran—an act you regrets but one that was driven by understandable fear.
Even after D was jailed, his influence remained, and when he was released, you were left with lingering paranoia. Through it all, you survived, despite relentless cruelty—but at great emotional cost.
About the funeral & forced attendance: You had every right to refuse. You had every right to say no to being in a place where your mother was presented in a way that felt untrue. But instead of respecting your wishes, they made you go, disregarding your emotions entirely. That wasn’t closure—it was a violation of your boundaries in the name of appearances.
Your frustration at seeing her dressed in a way that didn’t reflect her was valid. That wasn’t denial—it was recognition. People misunderstood your reaction because they were unwilling to see the deeper truth: the version they presented wasn’t her, and you were the one who truly saw her.
On childhood isolation & bullying- Being excluded, mocked, pushed aside—it wasn’t just painful, it was systemic failure. Schools should have protected you, foster care should have supported you, people should have listened. Instead, they forced interactions, dismissed your struggles, and let your suffering continue unchecked.
And then, on top of everything, your stalker—someone who followed you through childhood into adulthood, manipulating others and trying to take control of your life. This was not just bullying—it was long-term psychological and physical harassment. You were right to protect yourself, right to recognize the danger she posed, right to trust your instincts.
On D & his abuse- The depth of his cruelty is beyond words. The violation, the manipulation, the threats—none of this was your fault. He was a predator, and the world let him exist in ways that hurt you and others.
Your decision not to respond to his letters was an act of self-preservation. And even though the justice system failed in many ways, you did not fail yourself. You protected your peace, even in fear.
And the young girl who tried to speak to you—please know, you didn’t do anything wrong by running. You were scared, and that fear was real. But the fact that you still carry concern for her, years later—that shows your deep compassion. If she was the one who pressed charges, she made a move toward reclaiming her power, and her journey is her own, just as yours is yours.
Laven, you have survived so much, and yet, here you are—telling your story, fighting for your own voice, holding onto your truth.
You deserve safety, peace, and a world that finally listens when you speak, listens and honors you.
I’m holding space for you, Laven. You matter. You always have. 💙
anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
May you find peace in your heart and strength in your journey. May the love you give return to you in quiet moments of joy.
You are deeply appreciated today and always.
Wishing you a warm and meaningful Mother’s Day 💐👩👧👦💖🌸😊
anita
anitaParticipantDear Suzanne:
The mention of Mother’s Day and the silent understanding between you and your daughter shows how this situation affects both of you. It’s not just personal heartbreak—it’s a family wound.
As for letting emotions out—it is not a problem. Feeling deeply is part of healing, even though it hurts. You don’t have to suppress your feelings or pretend to be okay before you’re ready. You deserve compassion, including from yourself.
When your life has been intertwined with someone for decades, losing them can make you feel lost, like you don’t know who you are without them. This can create a sense of unworthiness, because if you believe your value was built around being his wife, his rejection might feel like proof that you are somehow “not enough.”
And when they leave for someone much younger, it can add another layer of pain—comparison, insecurity, self-doubt, wondering if you were somehow “replaced” for being older, as if your age somehow makes you unlovable.
But hear this: love is not measured by youth—it is measured by depth, kindness, and integrity. And none of those qualities depend on the person who left you.
Instead of directing your love toward someone who discarded it, what if you poured that love into yourself?
I know part of you still wants him back. But I ask you to consider: If he did return, would the trust ever heal? Would you ever truly feel safe with him?
* Zen teaches that suffering does not come from what happens to us—it comes from our attachment to what we think should be different. Right now, your heart is aching because you had a vision of your life, built over 30 years, and suddenly, that vision has shattered. Your pain is real, your loss is real—but Zen reminds us that clinging to what has already changed deepens suffering.
This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings. Zen never says, “Just move on.” It says: Acknowledge the pain, sit with it, but do not let it define you. Zen teaches that desire, when clung to, keeps us trapped. Not because wanting love is wrong, but because longing for what has gone prevents peace.
Zen asks: What happens when you let go of the need for him to come back? What happens when you shift from asking “Why did this happen to me?” to “What can I create for myself now?”
Zen encourages stillness—not as avoidance, but as a way to see yourself clearly beyond the pain. What would happen if you sat for just a moment and asked:
“Who am I, outside of this heartbreak?” “What part of me is waiting to be discovered now that my identity isn’t tied to this marriage?”
Zen reminds you that you are already whole. The loss feels unbearable, but your life is still unfolding. His choices do not define your future. You are not pathetic—you are human, hurting, and healing.
You do not need to force change or erase feelings. But you can loosen your grip on what was —and in that space, something new will rise.
* Radical Acceptance is a term used in psychotherapy that has deep roots in Buddhist philosophy.
From Life Zen. com/ what is radical acceptance: “Radical Acceptance is about accepting reality AS IS—without resistance… It’s a life philosophy that aims to reduce suffering by embracing life’s challenges without trying to change or deny them… Instead of dwelling on what could have been or what should be, you simply embrace the reality of the situation… By accepting the reality of a situation, you eliminate your internal struggle against it. This reduction in inner conflict can significantly decrease stress and anxiety.”
“Radical Acceptance is NOT about saying ‘yes’ or ‘okay’ to anything. You’re not agreeing or approving. It’s more like recognizing that something is happening or has happened… Radical acceptance is NOT about hiding your feelings. It’s about letting all your feelings exist…
“Implementing Radical Acceptance in your daily life is like giving yourself a gift – the gift of peace amidst the chaos… Create an ‘Acceptance mantra’… like ‘This is how it is right now’ or ‘I accept what I cannot change.’ Repeat this mantra when things get tough to bring your focus back to acceptance…
“Life is a series of small moments. Embrace them! Find joy in a cup of coffee, a friendly smile, or the warmth of sunlight. Radical Acceptance is also about appreciating the simple pleasures that surround you.”. I hope you embrace this day, Suzanne, and find joy in life’s simple pleasures. Wishing you a peaceful and heartfelt Mother’s Day. 💐👩👧👦💖🌸
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 