Dear Sammie:

You are welcome! “The amazing friends I speak of are the ones in my city. The horrible things happened in Manchester… I always felt like the outsider which is why I don’t think they believed me (or wanted to believe me). Fair weather friends, as they say“- fair weather friends: supporting you if it’s easy and convenient for them. I see.

“I too was waiting for the next criticism. It’s so difficult because we try our best and try and meet their expectations but the goal posts continuously move further away from us“- sometimes children (and adults) stop trying. It’s called learned helplessness, as in, I am not trying anymore because what would be the point..?

“I have been focusing on the positives in my life (because there are many) however I agree, I have not been processing the negatives“- unresolved negatives block our view of the positives, like dark clouds blocking the sun. Processing and resolving negatives clears the view, dispersing dark clouds, and we can better see the light blue shade of the sky.

“How can people like that go into someone’s life and cause emotional destruction and they be let off all the pain?“- abusive people abuse because of their unprocessed and unresolved negatives and pain. They spread their pain around, passing it on to other people.

“How you have explained his projection of his mother onto me has been very useful to read. Him focusing on the then and there instead of the here and now. This makes me realise that it was not me, there was nothing I could do differently“- I agree! Similarly, there was nothing I could have done differently, as a child, so to get a better treatment from my mother. She projected other people into me and reacted to them, not to me.

“There was never going to be anything I could do. The course was set from the start“- There was nothing you could have done to change the course of your relationship with him because it was set at a time before he ever met you. Similarly, the course of my relationship with my mother was set at a time before I was born to her.

Thank you for reading.“- you are welcome, and thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here!

anita

Dear Shandrea:

“I think I was abused, The adults in my family watched our actions and abused us“- it’s a bad thing that you were abused, and a good thing that you recognize that you were abused, because recognizing it is the basis for healing.

“I was not allowed to say no they made us smile when we were sad“- remember I told you that in the photo you look serious? Wel, you are not smiling in the photo and it is fine with me! I used to hate smiling when I didn’t feel like smiling.  I no longer smile unless I feel like it. Back to your photo: your sincere, unsmiling face is beautiful!

“Also in friendships as well“- it’s important to exit any kind of abusive relationship whenever, wherever possible: be it a parent- child relationship, a romantic relationship, a friends-relationship, any kind.

“I am a product of my environment“- we are very much products of our environments, particularly of the family-environment. If I was born into a very different family, I would have been a very different person. The same is true to you and to everyone else.

Healing from childhood abuse makes it possible for us to become healthier people with much improved inner-experience (how we feel) and outer experience (how we interact with other people).

“When I was a kid nobody cared but my mom but she really didn’t care either“- this means.. nobody cared. I am so sorry. No wonder you didn’t feel like smiling.

“I don’t like being judged. I will take positive criticism“- being judged (criticized unempathetically, aggressively) by others and by ourselves keep us sick. Suggestions on how to function better in life should be offered empathetically, gently and kindly.

“I am so thankful to have found this website, and thankful to have met Anita.. Thank you for giving me a safe space, to let out all the things my childhood tried to make me hide“- you are very welcome. I am glad to have done my part in offering you a safe space to reveal, to no longer hide.

“I signed myself up for therapy… because I always thought I was different and if I am I want to know.“- good thing, Shandrea.

Getting to know who you are underneath the abuse, who you are beyond being a product of the environment is an amazing discovery process, one that will make you feel accomplished (title of your thread: I want to feel accomplished) every day, as long as you are engaged in the process!

Reading your recent posts this Tues morning has made my day a better day, thank you!

anita

Dear Clara:

Good morning here, good night to you! Good to read from you: clearer and another step ahead toward moving on!

“she thinks too shallow (may be too compartmentalized/ emotionally unaware, if we use more psychological terms), while they all know how much of a deep thinker I am“- I agree.

“But the funny thing is, I think I knew this, and my mind says ‘if you are committed to someone, then you should not give up on that person because of her ‘flaw’“-  you should give up on her because she told you (I am sad to be repeating her words) that she does not like you anymore, and that she has no feelings for you. And because you can’t trust what she says in regard to her feelings: she told you something to the affect of it being difficult for her to separate from you, from a person she has no feeling for: this is not believable because when person A has no feelings for (not even liking) person B, it’s not difficult for A to separate from B, it’s difficult to stay with B.

“In my mind, I think I should work with her to see how we can improve, rather than, just walk away. The fine line between being perseverant and being stubborn, is hard to manage in a relationship for me. When should a relationship really stops?“- when one or two of the people in the relationship says they don’t like the other.

The line between being perseverant and being stubborn in this context, as I see it, is that in being stubborn, you don’t really hear what she said, or you don’t process it, or you explain it away (as in, maybe you think that she likes you and has feelings for you but is currently unaware of these feelings). Perseverance has logic behind it; stubbornness, sometimes has no logic behind it, and when that’s the case, it leads to suffering.

“I think sometime objectively, she should be more emotional mature (given she is 40, but honestly there are a lot 40’s who are still not knowing what they are doing in their lives… ), on the other hand, I think she really doesn’t have the skills or capability yet so I should be more empathetic“- if she was a 4-year-old child and you were her 40-year-old teacher, you could empathetically teach her skills and capabilities and she would be eager to learn, I imagine. But like most older adults (30s and onward), she is done learning certain things. I don’t think that she looks up to you (as a child would look up to a teacher) to teach her things in matters of emotional skills and capabilities.

“I think being with this person has given me a lot of lessons to learn, given that we are quite different. I think we must have cared for each a lot at some points, that allowed us to sustain 5.5 years of relationship“- yes, she cared for you as much as she is capable of. There were good things in the relationship, good times to honor and to move on from, at the same time. Do I make sense?

anita

Dear Laven:

I know the glancing up at the mirror moments, I know the experience.

I wanted to tell you (I thought about it earlier today, before your most recent post): I’ve been posing in your threads since March of this year, over five months of posting. And never did you address me, never did you mention my name, or say thank-you, (neither to me, nor to your other responders).

And I told you recently: it’s okay, you don’t need to respond to me, no need to address me, just keep expressing yourself, for as long as you need to do that.. for as long as it helps. And I still say: please do: start more threads, type away your thoughts and feelings for as long as you need to.

And.. I have my needs: I need to be acknowledged for my efforts to attend to you, to make you feel seen and heard. I need to honor- not only your needs- but my own needs.

And so, as I said before, you are welcome to start as many threads as you wish, you are welcome to submit posts of any length. It’s just that if you do not address me by name (anita), and you do not talk to me, I will not post in your threads again.

Other responders may reply to you, and that is fine with me. Please keep posting. It’s just that I need to read my name, typed out by you, for the first time in five months, for me to reply to you again.

Assuming you will not address me by name (because it hurts, because you can’t, as you expressed), I say: goodbye, Laven, my best wishes for you. Post again and again, others will respond, I think.

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I don’t want to do it.“- you are so cute, you made me smile (affectionately). Well, you don’t have to do it, I want you to do what will give you (lasting) peace.

anita

I’ll be back to you in a few hours, Zenith!

anita

Dear Klast:

“There can be no justice when dealing with fate, just acceptance of being a victim“- acceptance of what we cannot change, acceptance of what we can not undo.

Dear Zenith:

“I don’t want friends“- I see your all-or-nothing tendency, as in: if she is not in your life all the way, then she must not be in your life at all.

“I was doing pretty okay until the incident happened yesterday“- you need to learn to tolerate or regulate being triggered, to not over-react emotionally (or behaviorally). We talked about emotion regulation. Remember my (emotion regulation) NPARR strategy?

There’ll always be triggers, and feeling okay will be temporary until you successfully practice emotion regulation.

anita