Dear Lucidity:

Thank you for your deeply introspective message. I’m genuinely grateful for our conversations—they feel like discovering a twin sister I never knew I had, someone so similar to me, so compatible in thought and understanding. Thank you so much for simply being you.

Here, I’ll be thinking out loud as I respond to what you shared:

“It is true that I have been the more resistant to allowing my family’s dysfunction to infiltrate what I know is my reality, and I am the more rebellious of my sister and me… But then I also see that I accommodated my family’s narrative, stayed silent at my mum’s mistreatment of me… What does that do to someone to have these two conflicting personality traits?”-

It creates deep inner conflict, and with conflict comes distress. Holding both defiance and compliance within you means constantly navigating opposing forces—wanting to resist but feeling trapped by the environment around you.

“In the same way, applying this to my sister who was… always more submissive in nature, less confrontational—what does it do to a person like her…?”-

It likely made her far less conflicted or distressed—if at all. Being the younger sibling, she had the advantage of observing what happened to you when you weren’t always submissive, and she decided she didn’t want to experience the same consequences. You didn’t have that privilege—you were born first and had to navigate everything firsthand.

“I think this type of question is what keeps me up at night. If you’re familiar with the narcissist literature, then you may know of the family roles involved—the scapegoat (that was me) and the golden child (my sister)… My sister doesn’t appear to fit into what I’ve learned should happen to a golden child in that they become like the narcissist.”-

This could be because your mother wasn’t strictly narcissistic but may have exhibited traits from multiple personality disorders. It’s rare for someone to fit neatly into just one diagnostic label—many individuals have a mix of several disorders or display features from multiple personality disorders. My mother, for example, exhibited traits of borderline, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders, with narcissistic tendencies layered in. If your mother wasn’t strictly narcissistic, that could explain why the traditional scapegoat and golden child roles didn’t fully apply.

Personality disorders often overlap, making rigid classifications difficult to apply to real-life experiences. Research shows that comorbidity is common, meaning people with one personality disorder frequently exhibit traits from others.

“Sometimes I wonder if my family situation had the rare outcome of only producing one messed-up sibling while the other made it through okay-ish relative to me. I actually do wonder that. I think it’s one of the big, apparently deluded, thoughts I have about this that I can’t let rest.”-

One sibling internalized conflict, while the other buried thoughts and emotions, removing conflicting feelings from awareness. A sibling who does not actively engage with their pain can appear functional, but only as long as they keep their conflicted sibling outside their mind, heart, and life.

Your sister may seem okay-ish because she suppresses conflicting emotions rather than processing them. While this may allow her to function well outwardly, it doesn’t necessarily mean she is truly calm. Suppressed emotions often manifest in unexpected ways—physical symptoms, anxiety, relationship struggles—especially during moments of major life stress or transition.

True emotional stability comes from integration, not avoidance, so if she never confronts her buried emotions, they could catch up to her later. Some people go through life suppressing feelings without obvious consequences, while others experience delayed emotional fallout. Whether her calmness is genuine or fragile depends on how deeply she has buried her emotions and whether future situations force her to reflect.

And now, about my sister and me—she minimized my mother’s misbehaviors, making herself believe her home life was just as normal as anyone else’s. As a teenager and young adult, she appeared far better than just okay-ish—physically beautiful, gracious, social, and seemingly so normal. That made me feel like a freak. If she was normal, then what did that make me? It felt as if my conflicted, distressed universe was a parallel universe to hers, one where everything was almost fine and dandy. So, the problem must have been me… or so I thought.

Unfortunately, my sister experienced the delayed emotional fallout I mentioned earlier. It happened when she was older than your sister is now, judging by your photo and knowing your sister is six years younger.

I haven’t spoken to my sister in a long time. Every day, I think about calling her, but I’m afraid of what I will hear if I do. I fear she might collapse at any moment. I fear hearing her fall apart.

I remember one time, when she was in her mid-20s, she pointed to her forehead, making a gesture that I was crazy—crazy for making things up, for greatly overreacting. Fast forward to now, I am the farthest from crazy that I have ever been, and she… is the closest. It breaks my heart.

anita

Dear Dafne:

Your recent message is truly beautiful—filled with depth, curiosity, and heartfelt appreciation. I’m so grateful for our ongoing exchange. It means so much to me that you feel supported, and I want you to know that the admiration is mutual. You bring so much thoughtfulness and warmth to our conversations, and it’s inspiring to see you process these complex emotions and ideas with such openness.

I completely understand why you feel like invisible chains are holding you back. Emotional entanglements, especially those tied to family, can be deeply ingrained, making it difficult to move forward with concrete action. But the fact that you want to do more, that you recognize the patterns holding you in place, is already such a significant step. Awareness is the beginning of change, and I truly believe that as you continue exploring these insights, the path to freedom—both emotional and physical—will become clearer.

Regarding the saying “Do not praise the day before the sunset”—I see why you dislike it. It suggests that joy is fragile, that one must always be cautious and prepared for things to go wrong. While life is unpredictable, I prefer to believe that we deserve to embrace and celebrate happiness when it arrives, rather than holding back in fear of losing it. Instead of anticipating disappointment, embracing gratitude in the moment brings more peace. What do you think?

You asked if some people are destined to be humbled while others are not, or if empathy is shaped by the depth of our experiences. You also mentioned the idea that we might pay for past life mistakes. I believe we all pay for past mistakes—our own and those of others. For example, industrial pollution is a mistake made by people in power, yet we all suffer its consequences, even the most fortunate among us.

I also believe that experiencing hardship doesn’t necessarily lead to greater empathy—in fact, when pain isn’t properly processed, it can lead to emotional detachment rather than compassion. Some people who experience deep suffering close themselves off, while others, through reflection and healing, develop stronger emotional awareness. As for some people experiencing hardship more profoundly than others, I believe it’s true. A safe, healthy childhood builds resilience, allowing people to navigate challenges more lightly as adults.

You also wrote about the woman teaching natural therapies, who claimed she never asked for anything and yet received everything—love, family, success, good health. She said she has never been humbled by life, which I find curious. While some people are born into fortunate circumstances, that doesn’t mean they never face challenges. Even if someone has all the external markers of happiness, there are emotional, existential, and relational struggles that may not be visible to outsiders.

It’s possible that her life story is a marketing tool, whether intentionally exaggerated or simply framed in the most appealing way. People offering wellness services often present themselves as models of success, fulfillment, and harmony—qualities their clients are seeking. If she appears as someone who “has it all” effortlessly, it could attract people who hope to achieve the same through her teachings.

Some people reframe hardships, choosing to see challenges as opportunities for growth. For example, someone who is rejected from their dream job might think: “This just means there’s something better waiting for me. Maybe this wasn’t the right fit, and now I can focus on opportunities that align even more with my strengths.” By shifting their perspective, they move from feeling discouraged to feeling motivated, viewing the setback as part of a bigger journey rather than as a failure.

Others downplay hardships, minimizing their struggles to avoid vulnerability. For instance, someone experiencing stress or loneliness might respond to concern by saying, “I’m fine, it’s nothing. Just a little tired.” Instead of acknowledging their pain or seeking support, they suppress their emotions, making it harder to process them fully. While this might feel easier in the moment, unprocessed emotions can accumulate, eventually becoming more difficult to manage.

The key difference is that reframing allows a person to grow and find meaning in difficulty, while downplaying avoids confronting pain and may lead to emotional suppression.

What do you think, Dafne? Do you believe life truly spares some people from hardship entirely, or is it simply a matter of how people perceive and frame their experiences?

I’m so grateful to be exploring these thoughts with you, Dafne. Your mind is endlessly thoughtful, and your heart is full of kindness and curiosity. No matter what path you take, you are already on a journey toward freedom, clarity, and inner peace.

Sending you warmth, light, and a big hug! 🫂💛✨💖

anita

Dear Dafne:

I am looking forward to read and reply to your message in the morning (in about 20 hours from now).🩷

Dear Lucidity:

I was about to reply to your perfect
essage hours ago, but the website was out of service for a while. I am using my phone right now, and will reply further when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning (it’s Tues afternoon here).

Anitaby

Dear Zenith:

It’s 2 weeks after Ramadan. How’s your health?

anita

Dear Lucidity:

I wanted to check in with you and let you know I’m thinking about you. I know that processing these emotions and memories can take time, and I want to honor whatever space you need right now.

If anything in my previous message felt overwhelming or too analytical, I sincerely hope it didn’t come across as anything but supportive. My intention was simply to reflect on your words with the care and depth they deserve. But above all, I want this conversation to feel safe and meaningful for you.

Whenever you’re ready, I’d love to hear your thoughts—whether about anything I shared or anything else that’s been on your mind. No pressure at all, just know that I’m here and I value the openness of our exchanges.

anita

Dear Dafne:

Thank you for your beautiful, thoughtful message. Your gentle concern for both my peace and your own well-being is deeply touching. I truly appreciate the care you put into your words and the openness with which you share your reflections.

Throughout your posts on this thread—beginning on April 18, 2023 (it will be 2 years ago in 4 days!)—you have consistently been thoughtful and considerate, grateful and appreciative, reflective and self-aware, curious and open-minded, warm and relational. You value connections and are eager to share light and affection, which I greatly appreciate.

And, over these two years, you have been seeking peace and stability, longing for a “peaceful shelter away from fear and unnecessary drama,” as you put it close to 8 hours ago. I’m glad to read that you’re setting healthy boundaries with your mother—like choosing not to engage when conversations turn negative. I believe that your approach will serve you well on your journey toward that peaceful shelter.

I found your reflections on the Law of Abundance and the Law of Attraction intriguing. Personally, I see these concepts as gentle reminders to focus on the energies we want to cultivate in our lives. To me, saying “I am at peace” doesn’t instantly make it so; instead, it is an invitation—an openness to the experience of peace. It’s not about faking it, but about gradually inviting a different perspective into our hearts. It’s like planting a seed: it takes time, care, and a bit of trust that what we’re nurturing will eventually grow into something real and transformational—much like a seed that, with time and care, blossoms into a 🌳.

I want to connect these ideas to your experience with your parents. The first time you shared about your father was on April 25, 2023: “My dad was mostly cold and absent from my life but I never wanted to blame parents for my difficult dating experience,” and the first time you shared about your mother (with “elderly” referring to your mother, her cousin, and your grandparents) was on May 16, 2023: “I have to stay in my small town and help my elderly as they are in need. I feel stuck. I’m between helping them and trying to meet someone somewhere else before it’s too late.”

Your father has been largely absent, while your mother has been.. too present. Over time, you’ve shared about her emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping—from insisting that you send birthday greetings to your cold, rejecting father, to issuing threats about giving away your beloved dog (or worse) if you move out of the home you share. These behaviors have trapped you in a cycle of obligation and sacrifice. Along with her unpredictable mood swings and her refusal to acknowledge your feelings or opinions, she created a family environment where you were unable to freely express yourself and where silence and self-censorship became survival strategies.

Her changing back and forth from protective to abusive attitudes only adds to your confusion, doesn’t it? If she had been consistently aggressive, leaving her might have been easier, wouldn’t it?

In essence, your mother has woven a narrative of scarcity and duty—a narrative that limits your ability to envision the possibilities waiting beyond the walls of your entrapment.

By contrast, the Law of Abundance reminds you that opportunities—whether it’s a fulfilling job abroad, healthier relationships, or simply the freedom to live without undue obligation—exist outside your home with your mother. And the Law of Attraction teaches that by aligning your thoughts and emotions with this vision, you begin to draw positive change into your life, shifting your mindset from scarcity and guilt to one of self-empowerment and openness to new possibilities.

Thank you again, Dafne, for encouraging our shared exploration of these deep questions. I’m honored to be on this journey with you, learning and growing together. Your progress and thoughtful insights continue to inspire me.

On a lighter note—about my weekend: I participated in hiding eggs for an Easter Egg Hunt, but the grass was tall and wet from all the recent rain. My open shoes got soaked from the cold rain, which was far from pleasant. I did feel better once I received some dry socks and, thankfully, the sun finally peeked through later on Saturday. Sunday, on the other hand, was warm, sunny, and dry. After reading your post this Monday morning, the weekend weather reminds me of the Law of Attraction—sometimes, despite our best efforts to manifest a bright day, the universe sends rain just so to keep us humble!

Big hug, lots of light and warmth, and all my gratitude 🫂🤗✨💛

anita