* I didn’t mean for the 2nd question to appear in bigger print..

Dear Rising Flower:

I didn’t thoroughly read your original post yesterday, but I will read and summarize today (your exact words are boldfaced) before further commenting:

You shared yesterday that your spirit is broken and it took courage for you to post your story for fear of being harshly judged.  You shared that in your late 20s (ten years ago), you were a naive girl who never was into any kind of relationships. At that time you were arranged to marry a very nice guy who is very kind and caring (H).

Within less than 2 years of marriage, you fell for a family friend (L). If I understand correctly, L was married but separated at the time, but he didn’t share that piece of information. You fell in love, and being true to how you felt, you walked out of your marriage- against the expectations and norms of your parents, friends and greater community- and moved in with L. Facing stress from without (parents, friends) and within (fights over him wanting to have children with you and you wanting to get divorced first, as well as fights over L’s disapproval of who you were speaking with), you fell into deep depression and being that you and L had to vacate the house you were living in, you moved back to your parents’ home. After a short while, you moved back with L.

You felt lots of love from L, but you also felt his extreme anger issues during fights in which he blamed you for not honoring his requests. At one point (you and L were not living together), L started to look for another woman to marry because you didn’t agree to have a child with him (before getting a divorce from H).

Sometime during that time, you found out that L was older than he said he was, and that he was married!!!!! (a 2nd time, if I understand correctly). Almost 10 days  into L’s new marriage, he told you that this marriage was the biggest mistake he has done and he blamed you for not stopping him from getting married.

A short time later, you accidently met him, and you melt for him again!!!  At one point you got pregnant by him and miscarried. Currently, he says he wants to break that marriage but needs time. Currently, you love him still: Love for him never left me… still love him genuinely, I did always, you wrote.

“Now, why I’m unable to move away from him despite he mistreated me several times… Why I’m still waiting for him to turn up as he is genuinely taking time to break his marriage that he never wanted to be in. Deep down, I knew he is bad for me but unable to kill my love for him, please know that I’m ok to go away from him if he is fine in his marriage and I’m not obsessive for him, I find myself  melting my life at every stage for him and bearing and paying for the cost of his mistakes (if not blunders) in his life..“-

– seems to me that this man, L, represents to you (to your heart)- not a strong man who can help you- but a boy who needs you to help him. Seems to me (and of course, I may be wrong), that in your heart:  L is different from H and from other adults you’ve  known, controlled adults who follow social expectations and norms of behavior.

L is more like you, and you are like him: a free spirit, perhaps (someone who lives according to their own rules, someone unconventional), someone authentic (a person who is true to themselves and expresses their genuine thoughts and feelings), a maverick (someone who doesn’t conform to the usual way of doing things), someone unpretentious (someone who is sincere, without the need for pretense), someone naive, childlike.. like you are inwardly, if not outwardly..?

Sometimes the social pressure to conform, to obey social norms, kills that element within- the free-spirited child within- so much so, that a hunger is born, a hunger to reclaim that which was taken away (by traditional parents and society). Maybe you and L share this hunger (although  unfortunately, the two of you don’t cooperate well in the quest of satisfying this hunger)..?

anita

Dear Tom:

You are very welcome and thank you for keeping me posted. On the topic of gratitude (online) : “In the quiet moments of dawn’s early light,  Gratitude whispers, softening the night. With each breath we take and every step we tread, A heart filled with thanks, where happiness is bred.

“In the dance of the leaves on a cool autumn breeze, Or the warmth of the sun through the canopy of trees, Gratitude blooms in the simplest of sights, Turning mundane moments into pure delights”.

anita

correction:  Can you define the words/ terms I boldfaced above, as in giving your personal,  authentic, clear, simple-to-understand definitions of…

Dear Rising Flower:

I didn’t notice your thread until just now, a moment ago (Maybe it was awaiting moderation for some time). I will be away from the computer for quite a few hours. I will read and reply when I return. And no worries: no judgment (harsh or mild) from me!

anita

Dear John:

You are welcome, and thank you for your message: it’s positively meaningful to me that you cared to reply to me.

anita

Dear Arden:

“About the things that can be done, I look at them as doable or not doable“- you are a very practical person. You categorize tasks into two distinct groups: tasks you think can be accomplished (doable) and tasks you think cannot be accomplished (not doable).

“If I can do something, I try to do it. Doesn’t matter how stuck I am, how busy I am or how tired. If it’s doable by me, why let that person suffer“- you are a selfless, helpful person. You prioritize helping others whenever you have the ability to do so, regardless of your own circumstances or challenges. You believe that if you have the capability to alleviate someone else’s suffering, you should take action, even if it requires personal effort and sacrifice.

“But they are not necessarily like that and I tend to realize that, and get bitter, in my mind. No reaction, I just feel bitter. But I keep doing it for some time“- you acknowledge that others do not share the same level of selflessness and willingness to help as you do, that others do not reciprocate your efforts or show consideration. This realization leads to feelings of bitterness and resentment.

Despite feeling bitter, you choose not to express these feelings outwardly or confront others about it. Instead, you internalize your emotions. And despite the bitterness and lack of reciprocation, you continue to help others. You are grappling with the emotional toll of consistently giving without receiving the same level of consideration in return (not even close to the same level of consideration in return).

It’s easy to point to solutions (open communication with husband and other people, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-care), but it’s very difficult for you to put these solutions into practice, isn’t it?

“In my husband’s case…”– reads like your husband is similar to you, only that he helps his siblings in self-sacrificial ways.. at his- and your expense.

“I had to support him because I could. But now, him helping out the family he got no help from? It really makes me upset… at least do not give lots of money to them when you don’t have your own flat or like your own bed“- reads like you and your husband are too similar: self sacrificial. Only you sacrifice for him while he sacrifices for his siblings.

“Everyone is just thinking about themselves and upgrading their life. I cannot get over the fact that his sibling that he helped out that much, is actually buying so much nice stuff for herself that I postpone buying“- you are expressing feelings of frustration and resentment about inequality in effort and reward, feeling that others, including your husband’s sibling, prioritize their own needs and improvements over those of others. You made personal sacrifices, such as postponing buying nice things, and then seeing the sibling indulge in nice things feels unfair and hurtful.

This situation puts an emotional strain on you, as you struggle to reconcile your own sacrifices with the actions of others who seem to be benefiting without similar sacrifices.

“But for one second, my perspective shifted from ‘victim’ to something else. I am looking at this issue from a victim’s perspective, feeling so much bitterness. I have to work on that victim perspective that occurs when something like this happens. I should never think like a victim“- here, you are expressing self-awareness where you see the situation from a different angle, realizing that your feelings of bitterness and resentment are stemming from viewing yourself as a victim in an unjust situation, a person with no power to change an unjust situation. You recognize the need to address and change this mindset, understanding that it is not helpful or constructive. You want to develop a more empowering and resilient mindset.

“I cannot unsee my feelings, unsee my effort. All this years of effort of mine deserves being prioritized by him. If his sister cannot manage all that money… She should know better, learn better. All my effort should never finance that sort of lazy behavior.“- you feel that your hard work and sacrifices should be recognized and valued by your husband. You want your contributions to be acknowledged and prioritized. You are frustrated that your husband’s sibling, who has received significant help, is not managing her finances responsibly. She believes the sister should be more financially savvy and responsible. You resent that your sacrifices might be enabling his sister’s irresponsible and lazy behavior.

Your feelings are valid, Arden. It’s okay to feel how you feel. Your emotions and efforts are valid and deserve recognition. It is important for you to feel supported and understood. I think that you need to have open and honest conversations with your husband. Express your feelings to him calmly and clearly, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel hurt and overlooked when my efforts are not acknowledged.”

Establish clear boundaries regarding financial support for extended family. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being. If necessary, and if possible, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor for strategies for effective communication and coping with these feelings.

Engage in activities that bring you some joy and relaxation. Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially during emotionally challenging times.

Reflect on your values and priorities. Understanding what you truly want and need can guide your decisions and actions moving forward.

I hope that your life improves and that peace of mind takes the place of distress and conflict!

anita