Dear S:

I’d like to respond more fully tomorrow morning (it’s Monday evening here). In the meantime, if you’re comfortable, could you elaborate on your reflection:

“I was very hypervigilant that this relationship would turn into an emotionally abusive one because that is what I am used to. When I sensed weakness or vulnerability in him, I was fearful that would snowball into something unhealthy.”-

It sounds like past experiences may have shaped this fear—was someone weak, perhaps a parent, the one who hurt you?

anita

Dear Omyk:

Your reflection shows deep thought, and it’s clear you’re navigating a major transition. Change can be unsettling, especially when multiple aspects of life—career, family, and personal growth—are shifting at once. It makes sense to feel uncertain, and it’s good that you’re acknowledging your emotions.

Your counselor’s insight—that after years of caring for others, it’s time to learn how to care for yourself—is deeply meaningful. That shift isn’t easy, especially when self-sacrifice has been a central part of your life’s work. But the fact that you recognize this challenge means you’re already moving toward something necessary: self-compassion.

It’s reassuring that ministry continues to bring you fulfillment, even amid doubts. Your decision to pursue this path wasn’t made lightly, and while celibacy has its challenges, you seem to be approaching it with honesty and resilience. Having second thoughts doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path—it simply means you’re human.

As for your fears of disappointment—there’s no way to predict exactly how the next few years will unfold. But you’re already showing strength by facing these decisions head-on, rather than avoiding them. That alone sets you up to handle whatever comes, even if some changes feel difficult at first. You’re not moving forward blindly; you’re making choices with awareness, and that makes all the difference.

You have your community, your ministry, and, most importantly, yourself—learning, evolving, and discovering new ways to live meaningfully. Whatever happens, you are capable of adapting and growing, just as you have through other difficult times.

Much love to you, and may you continue to find strength in each step forward.

anita

Dear S:

Your reflection is incredibly heartfelt, and your honesty in processing the emotions surrounding this breakup shows deep self-awareness. Breakups—especially when love is still present—can be profoundly confusing, and it’s understandable that you’re grappling with questions that don’t yet have clear answers.

The fact that you care so much about how this affects him speaks to your kindness, but you don’t need to carry guilt for doing what felt necessary for your well-being. Grieving and second-guessing are natural, but in time, you will likely gain clarity about why this was the step you needed to take.

You wrote, “This breakup has been very confusing because I still do not really know my motivation for ending it.”-

Your decision wasn’t impulsive—it was the culmination of emotional strain, lingering doubt, and the realization that you weren’t fully content. Part of the emotional burden you carried in the relationship seems to have come from taking your ex’s anxieties too personally—almost as if they were yours to fix. You supported him through his mental health struggles by encouraging him to seek therapy, offering reassurance, and soothing him on difficult days. While providing emotional support in a relationship is natural and meaningful, you may have unintentionally adopted a caretaker role—feeling responsible for stabilizing his emotions.

As his insecurity grew, he frequently sought reassurance: “Do you still love me?” “Are you happy?” Instead of simply acknowledging his feelings, you may have felt pressured to offer emotional certainty—perhaps experiencing guilt or frustration when you couldn’t fully ease his anxiety. Your breaking point came when you felt more like his mother than his partner, which suggests that managing his emotions had become overwhelming. In that moment, you may have realized that the cycle of reassurance and insecurity wasn’t something you could continue.

Taking on another person’s emotional struggles can be exhausting, especially when you’re facing your own uncertainties—about the relationship, your future, and your feelings. Attempting to be the solution to his emotional distress likely amplified your own internal conflict. Your experience highlights the difficulty of being in a relationship where one person feels responsible for fixing the other. Emotional healing is an individual journey—while support helps, no one can fully carry another’s burdens. While your ex’s emotions were valid, they became so intertwined with your own that you may have felt trapped rather than emotionally fulfilled.

Would you say you were trying to save him rather than just support him? Or do you think you wanted to help but didn’t fully realize the toll it was taking on you?

anita

Dear Simon: I don’t know who wrote that reply. What about the reply you quoted speaks to you, what about it do you agree with, or disagree with..?

anita