Dear Dafne:

As fresh and rested brain as I am going to get today (woke up too early, still dark outside, drinking strong coffee):

In your very first post on tiny buddha (April 18, 2023), you wrote: “I believe in friendships before any physical contact. The problem is that men that I’ve met do not want to be friends first and try to kiss me pretty soon. I always refuse the kiss in the first weeks of meeting and it always ends there…. Also, I know that when dating we should wait with sex but what about a kiss? Sometimes I feel that I am too strict and overthinking. Please help me to figure this out 🙏”

On April 24-25, 2023, you wrote (notice the word trust): “Unfortunately, with every failed relationship, I feel more and more discouraged to meet new men. Also there is a matter of trust…I avoided dating for a very long time. I really lost my trust. So I only kept men who were willing to remain platonic. I’m guessing it was a way of protecting my heart. Then I opened it again and got painfully disappointed again. I really lost my trust. And here I am today with another hurtful experience 💔”

Fast forward to Sept 6, 2025 (here’s “trust” again):”Yes, sometimes it feels like a circle that never ends. Especially nowadays, even when you can trust someone, you still need to be careful. You can’t trust fully, but you can’t not trust at all. Or maybe just wait till you have reasons to trust and not trust blindly. But then there is always someone who will break that trust, and you need to start the process of healing all over again.”-

You want a platonic (no sex) friendship with a marriage-minded man, a friendship that’s long enough for you to get to know him and trust him, long enough to build a deep emotional connection (which is not possible without trust).

In regard to the no-sex requirement, and the need to set boundaries with a man in this regard, I just asked Copilot (AI) for advice. Here’s what it says:

“You (Dafne) might consider spaces where your values are shared upfront…:

* Faith-based communities (churches, study groups, retreats) where abstinence and emotional pacing are respected

* Values-driven dating apps like Christian Mingle, eHarmony, or platforms that allow filtering by relationship intentions

* Online friendship spaces where connection can grow without physical pressure..”

Copilot also suggested “Books or podcasts on slow love, emotional compatibility, or boundary-honoring relationships…

Books- 1. The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm- A philosophical classic that reframes love as a skill to be cultivated—not just a feeling. Fromm explores self-love, romantic love, and the societal forces that distort connection. (Quote: “To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment.”- Fromm links trust to vulnerability—not blind optimism, but a brave openness to the unknown.)

2. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman- A practical guide to emotional compatibility. Chapman identifies five ways people express and receive love, helping couples understand each other’s emotional needs. (Quote: “We can choose to love even when we don’t feel it. That’s the foundation of trust in a lasting relationship.”- Chapman emphasizes love as a choice, especially in hard moments. Trust isn’t just built in ease—it’s proven in difficulty.)

3. Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab- A compassionate, clear guide to boundary-setting in relationships. Tawwab offers scripts, reflections, and tools for honoring your truth without guilt. (Quote: “Trust is built when boundaries are respected—not just when words are kind.”- This reframes trust as a behavioral pattern, not a feeling. It honors your need for actions that match intentions.)

4. Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller- Explores attachment styles and how they shape emotional compatibility. Especially helpful for understanding why some connections feel safe while others trigger anxiety or avoidance. (Quote: ““When you trust that your partner will be there for you, you can be more independent and explore the world with confidence.”- Trust is the soil where both closeness and autonomy grow.)

🎙️ Podcasts- 1. The Boundaries Podcast with Nedra Glover Tawwab- Real-life examples and practical advice on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in all types of relationships.

2. Love and Life Toolbox Podcast with Lisa Brookes Kift- Focuses on communication, intimacy, and emotional pacing. Great for those who value friendship-first connection.

3. The Couples Therapist Couch- Explores emotional compatibility, conflict resolution, and the psychology of slow, intentional love.

4. The Therapy Chat Podcast- Gentle, trauma-informed conversations about relational healing, boundaries, and emotional attunement.

5. Psychiatry & Psychotherapy Podcast with Dr. David Puder- Episode: Setting Boundaries in Relationships — A deep dive into emotional boundaries, self-definition, and relational clarity.”

I hope that the above proves helpful to you, Dafne, over time. I’m looking forward to reading your thoughts whenever you’re willing and ready to share 🤗💖

Anita and Copilot

I can’t help but feel more and more like a child, the part that was missing, frozen all those many years and decades.

I am a girl, not yet ten, running on green grass, fresh green, forever fields, sun shining gently above, a Promise.

Young forever.

I didn’t get to be young when I was 10, or 20, or.. (do the math, if you care to)

A girl looking for other girls and boys to play with.

Do you get me, Peter?

Like you said today, it’s not about the outcome (how you may respond, or not at all).

It’s about the expressing. Virtual as real as real is.

Green fields, streams of fresh running waters, I can hear the water.

Hand in hand, a smile meeting a smile-

No calculation, no politics-

A genuine, real smile. Just this: see me, I like you.. see me, like me back-

This early childhood thing, beautiful thing.

Anita

I’ll read and reply in the morning, me. I hope that you’ll be having a good night!

🌿 Anita

Hi Peter:

“love that sees clearly”- unlike blind love. How often is love blind, or any strong emotion.. particularly anger.

“For me the word Compassion, is spacious… less about how we feel and more about how we relate.”- yes, better we focus on how we relate than on how we feel. Pause between the feeling and the relating.

“I’ve often felt the same, that I never truly experienced being a child in the way others describe it.”- a fellow fragmented child..?

Talking about relating, it makes me almost laugh right now, thinking about how I used to related to people here, in the forums: analyzing people’s stories as if a life story is a math equation to be solved. It’s all about connecting-relating, at the end of the day- fragmented children allowing points of connection. It is possible in a virtual space like this one, here.

🌿 Anita

Dear Q:

My weekend was pretty good, thank you!

“I still have some trouble overcoming the guilt I have… I acknowledge and understand the fault I have in the break up and it makes me feel primarily responsible. And also because of that, the man inside of me wants to fix things and make things right, which makes it even harder to let go. So these are my observations, please feel free to challenge them if you’d like to.

“1. I was struggling to find a job”- please correct me if I am wrong (here and in the following), but I am “hearing” Q the man admonishing Q the boy: You should have had a job! You shouldn’t have struggled!

“2. Didn’t have a distinct purpose / something to look forward to (like a job)”- again, I hear Q the man criticizing, accusing Q the boy: You should have had a distinct purpose! You messed up the relationship because you didn’t have a distinct purpose!

“3… 4…”- I hear the same: You shouldn’t have! You should have! Shame on you!

Before I continue, I need to ask: am I hearing you correctly?

(I am definitely hearing Anita the adult, the ways she used to criticize, accuse and shame Anita the girl).

🌿 Anita

Dear me:

“(She) messaged me back that maybe nice people stick together (which clearly means she hopes we keep talking when she’s gone)… she replied but not responded back. That’s a good end.”-

I am curious about what you mean by “good end”..?

“Anyway I got another womans number too today at work”- you are good at moving on, me, a sort of an expert at moving on 😊. Are you?

🌿🤍Anita

Dear Dafne:

I am sorry you lost connection for so long! Good to read back from you ❤️ and thank you for inviting me into the conversation about men and marriage. I will answer more later this morning. Big hug back to you!

🌿 Anita