How are you, Adalie?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome, always!

You wrote, “I think I know I have these fearful avoidant attachment style… I would like to share but I am unsure where to start”- I wonder if books on the topic can help you start, maybe “Fearful Avoidant Attachment” by Vincenzo Venezia – it explores the patterns of fearful-avoidant attachment and offers strategies for overcoming relationship struggles..?

anita

Dear Suzanne:

Thank you for your kind words—it truly means a lot to me that what I wrote helped you feel even a little more grounded. You are going through an incredible loss, and it’s understandable that feelings of grief, anger, and longing still arise, especially when you reflect on the past 30 years with his family. Another layer of goodbye, another piece of hurt. But I’m glad to hear that your daughter and friends are supporting you—because they are the ones who truly see and appreciate you for who you are.

You mentioned getting stuck in the “what ifs” and expectations of what his family should do. That makes perfect sense—your connection to them was part of your world for decades, and the silence now can feel like rejection. But here’s something to consider:

When we hold onto ideas of what should be, we create suffering because reality is showing us something different. They should reach out, you think. They should care more. But they are not. And that isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s a reflection of their choices, their priorities, their own limitations.

What happens when you gently allow yourself to let go of these expectations? It doesn’t mean the pain vanishes, but it means you stop directing your energy toward a door that has already closed. Instead, you can focus on the ones that remain open—the love from your daughter, the support from friends, the quiet yet powerful strength growing within you.

I wanted to find books that might be helpful for you, so I researched titles that focus on healing, acceptance, and emotional resilience. Here are some that I came across:

* Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach (on how to release inner resistance and embrace life as it is).

* The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chödrön (on facing discomfort and finding strength in the present moment).

* How to Be Loving by Danielle LaPorte (on softening self-judgment and nurturing self-compassion).

* Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins (on emotional release and how to stop holding onto pain)

* Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff (on replacing self-criticism with kindness and understanding).

If any of these resonate with you, they may be worth exploring.

About letting go of pain- it isn’t about forcing it away—it’s about processing it, understanding it, and slowly releasing its grip on you. Here are some meaningful steps that can help:

1. Instead of resisting or denying how you feel, allow yourself to sit with the emotions. Recognizing them without self-criticism is the first step toward healing.

2. Often, pain lingers because of the meaning we give it, such as that it will never end, or that we deserved it. Ask yourself: Is this story helping me heal, or is it keeping me stuck?

3. Treat yourself as you would a close friend going through the same situation. Instead of replaying regrets or self-blame, try affirming: “I am human. I am allowed to hurt. But I am also allowed to heal.”

4. Pain often keeps us locked in the past—thinking about what was, what could have been. Ground yourself in the present with mindfulness, activities that engage your senses, or simply reminding yourself: “I am here, right now.”

5. Not all pain comes with a perfect resolution. Sometimes, we have to accept what happened without waiting for an apology or a final understanding. Closure is something you can choose and create for yourself.

6. Social media, certain conversations, places, or routines might keep reopening the wound. If something constantly pulls you back into the pain, try setting boundaries around it until you feel stronger.

7. Whether it’s writing, therapy, meditation, movement, art, or deep conversations with trusted people, allow yourself to express and process what you feel in ways that nourish you.

8. Letting go isn’t a single moment—it’s a series of choices, small shifts, and gentle reminders to release pain little by little. There is no rush, only movement forward.

Suzanne, you are not alone in this. I’m always here to talk if you want to share more. Sending you warmth and strength today. 💙

anita

Dear Clara:

Good to read from you again 😊. I can feel the weight of everything you’ve been carrying lately—loss, rejection, self-doubt, and the emotional exhaustion of trying to hold yourself together while facing so many changes. It makes sense that all of this would hit hard, especially since it connects to old wounds you’ve been working through for years.

On the positive side, congratulations for:

* Seeing a therapist to organize your thoughts and emotions.

* Recognizing Instagram is harmful and choosing grounding alternatives.

* Expressing your emotions through writing, helping you process and regulate them better.

Because you mentioned an ex you dated more than 10 years ago, I revisited your threads from May 31, 2016 (“Break up after massive tantrums, because my Ex cheated on me with my best friend”) and June 23, 2016 (“Moving on- anger management and sense of security”). Reading through them again, I see how complex and painful this experience was for you.

We discussed your attachment style just a bit in June 2024, but not back in 2016. Looking at our earliest communication, it seems that your attachment style has been Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment—meaning you’ve experienced conflicting desires for closeness and independence.

This push-pull dynamic shaped your relationship:

* You wanted connection but felt suffocated when she needed too much closeness.

* You feared losing her when she was distant but felt trapped when she relied too heavily on your approval.

* You struggled with deep fears of abandonment, which made letting go so painful after the breakup.

Meanwhile, your ex likely had an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment—she needed constant reassurance, sought your validation, and often felt rejected even when you didn’t intend to push her away. When she felt uncertain about your relationship, she turned to someone else (your friend) instead of addressing issues directly.

Your contributions to the breakup:

* Emotional distance & blunt criticism – At times, you dismissed her sensitivity, and your directness hurt her.

* Struggled with commitment – You admitted you weren’t fully invested at first, which may have made her feel uncertain.

* Control & impatience – Instead of accepting her, you often tried to “fix” aspects of her behavior.

* Intense emotional reactions after the betrayal – Your understandable anger, accusations, and distrust made reconciliation impossible.

Her contributions to the breakup:

* Seeking external validation instead of addressing issues – She turned to someone else rather than working through doubts within the relationship.

* Emotional dependency – She relied too heavily on your approval, making you feel pressured.

* Blaming you for her pain – She shifted the emotional burden onto you, instead of taking full accountability.

* Immediately moving on – Instead of allowing space for healing, she entered a relationship with your former friend, deepening your heartbreak.

The Paradox of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Inside the relationship, one feels suffocated by a partner’s emotional dependence. Closeness feels overwhelming, triggering a desire for space and control. Outside the relationship, one feels abandoned, craving the comfort of knowing someone deeply cares. Essentially, you struggle between wanting love but fearing the vulnerability that comes with it.

When you are in a love relationship, it feels too much—but when you lose it, you are devastated.

Fast Forward 9 Years- your recent experiences highlight the deep influence of fearful-avoidant attachment—longing for security but feeling trapped when closeness becomes overwhelming. These patterns don’t just appear in romantic relationships; they also affect friendships and even your relationship with your cats.

Your friend cutting ties triggered deep rejection and abandonment fears, reinforcing the painful belief: “Am I so bad that everyone leaves me?”. Even though your ex left years ago, seeing her with someone else still stirs old insecurities—not because you want her back, but because it reawakens feelings of rejection.

You wonder “What if she came back?”—but deep down, you also know you wouldn’t want that.

Your doubts about adopting your cats reflect the same emotional conflict you’ve had in relationships—you love them, but also fear being stuck with them.

This mirrors the way you’ve wanted closeness in relationships but also feared being “stuck” or suffocated.

Personally, I’ve struggled with the same attachment style as you, and maybe even more so. I understand how difficult it can be to navigate these patterns and the emotional push-pull they create. If you’d like to talk more about it, I’d be happy to explore this together 💙

anita