Thinking about you, Robi, wondering how you are doing..?

anita

Thinking about you, Beni, wondering how you are feeling.

anita

Dear Alessa and Jana:

You’re both very welcome, and thank you for being here with me. You are making remarkable progress on your personal journeys, and it’s inspiring and helping me to make progress on my own journey.

One of my core beliefs, similar to yours, Alessa, was “I am not a good person”. And another, a consequent of the first: “I don’t deserve a good life” (because I am not a good person).

As is common for people with the core belief of not being good enough, I too engaged in self-criticism, harshly judging myself for perceived flaws, mistakes, and failures. This constant self-criticism eroded my self-esteem and reinforced the core beliefs I mentioned.

Negative self-talk, a common manifestation of the belief “I am not good enough.”, becomes a habit that is difficult to break.

Many people cope with these core beliefs and the accompanying negative self-talk by engaging in behaviors such as substance abuse, self-harm, disordered eating (like binge eating), and avoidance- avoiding situations, activities, or people that might trigger feelings of inadequacy, often leading to social isolation and missed opportunities for growth and connection.

Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially during times of struggle or perceived failure. Practicing self-compassion can help break the cycle of self-abuse by challenging negative self-beliefs and promoting a positive and nurturing self-view.

It helps to recognize that feelings of inadequacy are a common human experience. Everyone struggles with self-doubt at times. Understanding this can help foster a sense of connection and reduce feelings of isolation.

Jana, you asked: “Do you think that all people experience some emotional or mental difficulties?”- my answer: absolutely. Human beings are complex and emotional creatures, and life’s difficulties and hardship affect our mental well-being in various ways. This can include stress, anxiety, sadness, grief, or even more severe mental health conditions. The key is recognizing that these reactions to hardship are a natural part of life, seeking support when needed, and treating ourselves and others with compassion.

“It is interesting that you both find/found rules, plans, goals helpful to stay focused. I am very nervous when I have to follow strict plans and goals … I like to “flow” and to be flexible in situations. Rules and plans actually make me nervous.”-

– Writing my “Rules 4 Life” helped me feel focused and in control, which lessened my anxiety. This method provided a sense of order and predictability, which was comforting (until a rule was broken). In contrast, you find that strict plans and goals make you nervous. Instead of feeling comforted by structure, you prefer to “flow” and be flexible in situations.

While rules help me stay focused, they have the opposite effect on you, making you anxious instead. I believe this difference stems from our distinct experiences growing up in different environments— home versus school. For me, home represented chaos, while school represented order. At home, I was very anxious because my mother was unpredictable, like a bomb that could explode at any moment. School, on the other hand, provided comfort because it was predictable. I loved the strict teachers who enforced rigid rules and maintained strict supervision, ensuring that other children couldn’t abuse me. This predictability was something I could rely on, and it was wonderful.

In contrast, from what I remember you sharing, your home life was more relaxed in that your parents were not explosive like my mother, and they allowed you to spend a lot of time outdoors without supervision. The issue for you arose at school and in those hobby clubs you mentioned, where you were mistreated and felt trapped. While I felt trapped with my mother (due to the lack of rules and predictability) and found temporary shelter at school (with its rules and predictability), you felt trapped at school, confined by its rules and predictability, and found refuge outdoors, free from rules and predictability, enjoying the freedom to go outside and relax.

Fast forward to now, I still find comfort in rules and predictability and feel distressed by unpredictability, whereas you still feel distressed by rules and predictability and find comfort in flexibility and spontaneity.

What do you think of my understanding, Jana?

anita

Dear Dafne:

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. I’m truly touched by your kind words and gratitude ❤️.

I’m glad that my support has helped you navigate through the storm of emotions. Remember, you’re stronger than you realize, and I’m here to guide you every step of the way 🤗.

Navigating life at home can be challenging, but I believe in your ability to apply the self-care and boundaries we discussed. It’s not easy, but knowing that someone cares about you can make a world of difference. You deserve to give life another chance and find happiness.

Stay vigilant with the “spider” and trust that you’re strong enough to protect yourself from being mistreated again. Once he realizes that he can’t manipulate you anymore, he’ll likely move on.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I also hope we both find inner peace and happiness despite the past. Your strength and resilience are inspiring, and I’m here for you always.

Big big hug 🤗 to you too! Take care of yourself and have a wonderful evening.

anita

Dear Tara:

Welcome back to your thread a year and 3 days after you last posted, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s clear that you’re dealing with a lot of complex emotions and challenging dynamics within your family.

From what you’ve described over the years, your mother exhibits a combination of emotional dependence, controlling behavior, and emotional manipulation. Her actions greatly contributed to your anxiety and feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and the need to lie about your activities to avoid judgment and conflict.

Based on what you’ve shared, it seems that her actions have been motivated by her own emotional needs and struggles, rather than focusing on your well-being. It’s time for someone’s actions to prioritize your well-being, and since it won’t be her, that person needs to be you. It’s crucial that you prioritize your own mental and emotional health.

It’s important to recognize that you’re not responsible for your mother’s emotional state or her relationship with your father. Setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support from friends, therapists, or support groups can help you navigate these challenges.

Considering moving out is a significant step toward gaining independence and creating a healthier environment for yourself. It might be challenging financially, but the personal growth and well-being you can achieve will make it worthwhile.

* In the past, I shared with you that your mother very much reminded me of my mother. Mine suffered from a combination of 4 personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Intense fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, rapid changes in self-identity, impulsive behaviors, and emotional instability) + Narcissistic Personality Disorder (two of the symptoms are: lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement) + Dependent Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clinging behavior, and fear of separation) + Paranoid Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Distrust and suspicion of others, believing that others are trying to harm or deceive them).

While these are potential personality disorders that might align with your mother’s behavior, it’s crucial to seek a professional evaluation for an accurate diagnosis. Understanding these possibilities can help you navigate your relationship with your mother and prioritize your own well-being.

Your strength and resilience are evident, Tara, and taking steps to prioritize your well-being is crucial. Remember, you’re not alone, and seeking support is a sign of strength.

anita

Dear Dafne:

It’s perfectly normal to want closure and to make things right with the people you care about. However, seeking closure with a spider can lead you to getting stuck in its web.

The fact that he blocked you and then unblocked you, only to express his pain is manipulative. He’s trying to regain your trust without addressing the real issues at hand.

He didn’t apologize for blocking you, placed his pain on center stage (“Him: “I was in too much pain last week”) and kicked your pain off the stage, dismissing it (“Me: ‘Hi, we all were in pain last week…Him: I am aware that we have all had pain'”).

He is self-centered and manipulative, and your feelings of distrust and fear of being blocked again are valid.

Regarding his lack of friends, it might be a reflection of his behavior and how he handles relationships. Self-centered people who get offended easily and don’t discuss things honestly and calmly can’t maintain healthy friendships.

I’m proud of you for recognizing the impact of your past on your self-esteem and romantic choices. It’s a significant step towards healing and growth. Here are some suggestions for self-care and building self-confidence:

Set healthy boundaries in all your relationships, Practice self-compassion (be kind and forgiving to yourself), Engage in activities you enjoy, Talk to a therapist or perhaps join support groups (in addition to this thread), and Remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments.

“I’m an old soul, maybe too old school for this modern world… Maybe that was another reason why this man got my attention. He seemed to want the same life as me, presenting similar values. But now you’re helping me to see that it all might be just a spider web 🕷🕸”-

– I’m glad that I could help you see through his facade and recognize the spider web 🕷🕸 he’s been weaving. Your values and principles are important, and they will resonate with the right people who truly appreciate and respect them.

You have the strength to overcome these challenges, and it’s okay to take time to focus on yourself, and thank you for your kind words, Dafne 🙏. I’m here to support you in any way I can. 🌞

anita

Dear Tara: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.

anita