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anitaParticipantDear Meg:
“I never had a father and was abused growing up in all the ways“- I am sorry that you were abused growing up, and in all the ways that you were abused. I wish that growing up was a different, way better experience for you.
“He had many different examples in his life of healthy relationships; I do not“- from what you shared about him, if he had an example of a healthy relationship, the example didn’t make much of an impression on him.
“I found out when he (son) was 6 months that my body had gone into full blown menopause. Then my husband’s dad fell ill and passed. Then my son was diagnosed with autism and I had changed careers to go back to teaching… When Covid hit it made everything worse because we were stuck in the house together. It got so bad I checked myself into a hospital…When I got out I asked him to leave and he did. Then he got sick and almost died“- a rollercoaster of distressing events with no emotional support for you.
“Fast forward to this past Thanksgiving… I opened his Facebook and looked at his messages. He had not only been talking to her for years, he was bad mouthing me, telling her all about my female health issues, telling her he didn’t love me, etc… He has been saying less negative things about me to his friends and family, but I cannot stop thinking about everything I read or was told… I want to believe he wants to work on this but his actions say he doesn’t. I want to leave, but we are financially stuck for at least a year. He says he only says things because I make him mad… I am wondering if anyone has tips on how to stop myself from constantly living in the memories of what I’ve read and heard said about me. And how do I reconcile the fact that he says one thing to me but is still saying the opposite to his family and friends?“- you can’t unhear what you heard, unread what you read. To be hurt less by all that you read and heard/ to stop obsessing about it, it’ll help if you completely accept that he, your SO, is not a decent person. A decent person wouldn’t repeatedly gossip about people, especially not about the female health issues of the mother of his son, information that should be private!
To completely accept that he is not a decent person is to no longer hope that he will change and become decent. Hope is a bad thing when it keeps us anxiously waiting for something good to happen, something that doesn’t happen day after day, year after year.
Sometimes we wait for so long, we forget what it is we’re waiting for.
Accepting vs waiting for a positive change may lessen your anxiety and prevent future disappointments because you’d be prepared for him being more of who he is (future gossips, future irresponsibility, etc.)
* Maybe he will change one day, but it didn’t happen yet, it doesn’t seem like it’s happening, and it may never happen.
What do you think of my reply so far, do you think it make sense?
anita
August 20, 2024 at 9:22 am in reply to: Being a lonely young woman in a world obsessed with romance and sex #436400anitaParticipantDear Elais:
You are welcome! And yes, I am doing much better, thank you.
“When it comes to family, I think that over the years I’ve taken the implicit role of the family balancer. Unfortunately, my siblings and parents in their own ways are a bit emotionally immature and can’t communicate in a constructive way so it ends up with a lot of grudges and hurt“- a balancer is a person or thing that balances: distributing weight over something unsteady so it remains in place, so it doesn’t collapse.
The Family Balancer = your Family Role: keeping the family steady, preventing the family from collapsing. This means that, as a child, you were not free to be a child. You had an adult job to do while being (objectively) a child. This is too heavy of a burden for a child.
“My own avoidant tendencies may stem from this too: fearing that I’ll end up as some unwilling emotional caretaker… . I’ve made explicit in the past to people around me that I don’t want to be their ‘therapist’ and I don’t want them to spill to me their own grievances about other people I know“- your role as a child (and onward): the family balancer, the emotional caretaker, the therapist, the collector of family’s spills (grudges and hurt).
“but then I feel selfish. Because no one around me knows how to check for others“- this means that within your family, no one knew/ no one knows how to check on you..?
“and I’m afraid that by continuously putting my own walls and boundaries I’ll leave some people alone in their own suffering“- your family role has been to join their suffering so that they don’t suffer alone..?
“Maybe this will give some context to my avoidant tendencies.“- I think so. I will now re-read your original post, the info in your most recent post considered (I will spontaneously share my thoughts, as I did in the above):
“Hello. I’m a young woman in my late 20s and perhaps a bit uncommonly, my love and erotic life has been so far minimal“- no wonder that a child who didn’t get to be a care-free child (a child who didn’t get to be and play like other children) turns out to be a woman who.. does not get to be a care-free woman (a woman who gets to play/ engage in an erotic/ relationship-life, like other women).
“This comes with its intense own intense and negative feelings of frustration“- intense frustration of the woman-Elais who doesn’t get to play, intense frustration of the child-Elais who didn’t get to play.
“Where I live, in the west, is almost expected that if you aren’t already paired up at least you’re experimenting sexually and having fun… Society still agrees that romance and relationships should be my main object of interest“- society agrees that carefree playing should be a main interest of a child, but you didn’t get the opportunity to actualize this interest. You didn’t get to be a child. It is not fair to expect you to be a playful woman when you didn’t yet get to be a playful child!
“I see people from all walks of life loving and lusting and I never see it happen to me“- others are in the habit of playing: first as children, then as adults. But you (through no fault of your own) were not in the habit of playing then; you are not in the habit of playing now.
“Why something that comes to easy to others like breathing don’t come to me?“- humans (like other animals) are creatures of habits: it’s easy to do what we’re in the habit of doing. it is difficult to do what we’re not in the habit of doing.
“I recognize I am touch and love starved and I want it. I want it so bad, yet“- you want something that you are not in the habit of doing/ experiencing.
Your 2nd post: “My own shame over being unable to get a partner has contributed to a lot of my social distancing from others“- it’s not your fault at all that you have not been able to get a partner. If any person who now has a partner would have been born into your exact family, your exact circumstances, they too wouldn’t be able to get a partner as adults. If you explained this to others who are understanding and reasonable people, they wouldn’t shame you. Not at all.
“I always observe the world around me and see how you’re supposed to have been able to do x, y, z steps right by the time you are a certain age if you want to be considered a well adjusted adult. It’s a bit like ‘if you want to get this degree, you need to have finished this course and achieved this certificate first’. It feels a bit like this“- yes, it’s a lot like this: to be a playful woman (y), one has to be a playful child first (x). To be an adjusted adult (y), one has to be an adjusted child first (x).
“I tend to feel easily overwhelmed and want to maintain distances“- following decades-long adjustment to not playing, deadening the instinct to play, a moment of real-life playing feels like too much.
3rd post: “I definitely do feel touch and love starved sometimes“- a person who has been starving for food for too long, has very little tolerance for food. Starving people in concentration camps died when they finally got to eat. This is why a starving person should be re-introduced to food gradually: be given clear soup first (easier for the inactive, weak digestive system to tolerate), later: given solid food in small amounts, and so on.
So, starved for touch and love for too long, even a bit of touch and love in real-life is overwhelming. You’d need to be introduced to love and touch gradually, gently, patiently.
“I would rather fantasize about having sex or being in love… rather than engage in real life“- it’s not overwhelming in fantasy, similar to a starving person not getting sick or dying no matter how much food he/ she fantasizes about.
“None of my friends can relate to that so it feels very alienating“- I can very much relate. I am an older adult now, but it is only recently (and still ongoing) that I often feel and act like a happy, well-adjusted child (x). I am in the process of becoming a well adjusted, happy adult (y).
Before, my whole life, not having had the opportunity to be a care-free child, I didn’t feel like an adult. I felt like a very sad, deprived, ashamed and guilty, lonely child, and I acted in maladjusted ways. Now, I feel care-free at times, like a care-free child, what a feeling!!!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“it seems to me that I am anxious attachment, and she is avoidance“- yes, it seems like this to me too. I think that she avoids emotional closeness with a partner, and she avoids emotional honesty within herself. It is now my impression that she avoids confronting the truth in regard to how she feels, and therefore, she shares little or nothing about what she truly feels.
“She is trying all her ways to break away from me, ‘I don’t like you anymore’, ‘I have no feelings for you’, while we stayed under the same roof for 4 good years, and dated for 5 years. This is cruel, not to say she choose not to work on it but walk away“- like a kid in the playground, angry: I don’t like you anymore! I don’t want to play with you anymore! And walks away (or in her case, she told you to walk away: to stay elsewhere while she stays in your flat post-breakup).
“She is engulfed in her own wants, that she forgets that I have spent a good 5 years taking care of her needs, may not be perfect all the time, but I truly tried my best“- a touch of selfishness.
“I also feel she has taken my care for granted, which made her think she could just stay in the flat, for an unknown period of time, without thinking to leave in the first place. She assumed I would give her the space, thus no backup plan whatsoever… she was hurt by the words that I said, but not thinking about why she got those words (I still think I shouldn’t call her idiot so that’s on me)“- self-centered with a touch of selfishness.
“Sigh, it suddenly occurred to me that I really did not see this person so well, may be I was blinded by the closeness as well.“- let’s look at what you shared almost 6 years ago.
Oct 7, 2018: “recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months, and we have gone out a few times until she disclosed at some point (I would say with ambiguity at first) that she had girlfriend… I was quite shocked with that just because with our everyday conversation, she had never disclosed that she had a girlfriend… She, accordingly to her, was in a pretty distanced relationship with her partner… Anyways after hearing what she explained, I find myself baffled. It seems to make sense but not making much sense“- ambiguity, emotional dishonesty (within herself) and interpersonal dishonesty (with you). I think that you were baffled by her explanation following the disclosure because it was not a completely honest explanation.
On the next day, Oct 8, 2018, I wrote to you: “In my mind, her behavior is not a deal breaker… I understand people are afraid, uncomfortable, at times selfish and unaware, and her misleading you was not well thought of and therefore it was not devious. I would say, get to know her more as a friend… Is this friendship worth it, worth enduring your distress? Maybe yes, maybe not. I think that you will soon find out. I hope to read more from you about this friendship“- as you can see, I brought up the word selfish in regard to her almost 6 years ago. I wrote that her misleading you was not devious: I guess not, but it was selfish nonetheless. She should have told you early on, and clearly, in a straight-forward way (not with ambiguity) that she had a girlfriend. She wasn’t fair to you back then, in the beginning.
From psychology today/ the cost and benefits of emotional honesty (having her in mind): “The process requires not only a desire to be aware of and in touch with our emotions and perceptions, but a willingness to reveal and share what we are experiencing with others whom we trust to accept and honor our inner truth without judgment… Connecting to ourselves on a feeling level is, for many of us, much easier said than done, but with practice, we can learn the language of emotions…
“Living an inauthentic life also denies us the possibility of ever feeling truly loved for who we are, and consequently we inevitably find ourselves caught in a relentless quest for love that can never be satisfied or sustained. How can I trust that anyone really loves me when I haven’t shown them who I really am? So, when my partner tells me that he or she loves me, that little voice in the back of my mind says, ‘you love who you THINK I am. But if you really knew who I was, you wouldn’t love me,’…
“It’s only when we both reveal ourselves fully that the deepest, purest, most soul-nourishing love can be exchanged. The remedy for coming back to engage more fully is to first be in touch with what we are feeling and then to express, rather than repress, connect rather than protect, and reveal rather than conceal”.
Does this fit?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara: I simply didn’t think of it before, but telling a person who loved you for years: I have no feelings for you, is cruel, no matter how true it may be. No need to say it, it creates too much pain. Just don’t say it, it’s not required, it does not provide any benefit for the person who still has feelings for you.
And then saying it, and expecting you to stay out of your own home, so to accommodate the person who has NO FEELINGS for you- is preposterous!
A person who has NO FEELINGS for you does not deserve your empathy or consideration beyond giving her the opportunity to get her things back, closing all financial considerations fairly, justly, and leaving her behind to feel or not feel what she will, or not, for the people in her life.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“Hope you are having a good kind of busy“- thank you, I think that my Busy is becoming a Good-kind of busy!
“Before she left for the trip, I was angry at her and I said she was an idiot.. she cried and said the day she left, she was very hurt by what I said. I apologized for using the harsh words“- she said she has no feelings for you: that’s not calling you an idiot, or any kind on insulting name, but it is harsh and insulting nonetheless.
I am sorry, Clara. I wish you do heal and move on and away from her: you deserve better, you deserve love.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
I wish your foster mother healing and recovery, physically and emotionally. I wish you strength and courage!
anita
anitaParticipantI am glad, Shandrea!!!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Thank you for this magnificent reply: intelligent, insightful, honest, humble, empathetic and kind!
“it’s really hard talking about these things“- yes, it is. This is why if talked about, it needs to be done gently.
“It is hard to be vulnerable when talking about trauma“- I feel that it can be done (being vulnerable) only when trust is there: trust not in the person in front of us- or on the other side of the computer screen- being perfect, but trust in the person being a good-enough, faults and all.
“Her values are twisted“- yes.
“Kindness and love are what I value. You embody that. Your inherent value is known and recognised by everyone here“- this is the nicest thing I read/ heard all day 😇😊, warms my heart, thank you!
“We are two different people, what helps one might not help the other“- true. I need to remember this principle in regard to all the people I communicate with, online and irl.
“For a long time I felt the situation very personally. Like it was me particularly that made her behave in that way. Like I deserved it. That is what she said after all, I just believed her“- 100% true to me.
“Finally understanding that it wasn’t me, I was just an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of her complicated nonsense“- same here, FINALLY.
“Knowing about the diagnosis when I was younger could have been harmful, because I might have been too understanding. If that makes sense?“- it makes sense to me in regard to my decades-long personal experience with my mother: I was too understanding, had too much empathy for her.
What happens to a young deer facing a hungry mountain lion and feeling empathy for the mountain lion (thinking something like: poor mountain lion, he is so hungry.. I can’t run away and deprive him from food!)?
“it is important to retain empathy for ourselves first and foremost. Protecting and caring for ourselves is the most important thing. Our first duty is towards taking care of ourselves“- agreed.
Love and best wishes back to you❤️!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea:
You are welcome, and thank you for being here! You will not (!) be judged or belittled by me. Your eyes looking serious (from my perspective, in this one photo)- that’s not a negative thing, or a judgment. It’s my observation of a precious part of who you are.
anita
August 19, 2024 at 12:26 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #436376anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“I want to understand and see myself so badly… I wanna learn and hear about the awakenings you’ve had in this lifetime?“- a recent awakening for me has been to see myself in a positive, empathetic light: something I needed to see so badly and for too long.
“How have/do you set yourself up for spiritual growth?“- I set myself for emotional-spiritual growth by communicating with people like you, here in the forums, and in real-life, and seeing myself, you and others positively and empathetically whenever it is possible and appropriate.
“I have had a busy summer, and find myself missing talking with you guys but not liking the part where I have to come to my computer and type“- I understand that it’s been a long time since you liked going to your computer and typing away your thoughts and feelings and events in your life, and I accept this change. I wish the rest of your summer to be a summer of Surrender, Accessing Shakti, clearing samskaras, and eliminating false selves 🙂!
anita
August 19, 2024 at 11:48 am in reply to: Being a lonely young woman in a world obsessed with romance and sex #436374anitaParticipant* Dear Elais: I just noticed that I misspelled your screen name. I am sorry.
August 19, 2024 at 11:45 am in reply to: My boyfriend is traveling & I had surgery. I feel abandoned #436373anitaParticipantDear StormMako:
You are welcome, and thank you (!) for responding positively and with gratitude to my post of 2 days ago, even though I brought up childhood trauma, which is painful.
“I am always feeling guilty about stuff that I shouldn’t and changing my way of thinking is difficult especially when I’m always so worried about inconveniencing someone“- if it helps (if it does), you are welcome to type away your feelings in regard to inconveniencing people: does it feel like walking on eggshells, hardly being able to relax and .. just be yourself?
anita
August 19, 2024 at 11:29 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #436372anitaParticipantDear Robi:
It’s a good thing that you are on your own while your parents are on holiday, isn’t it.
“I’ve been working on myself a little, getting more serious with my routines (breathwork, meditation, reading)“- excellent!
“I’ve sent applications almost every day, had a couple of interviews and now waiting to see if any of them will lead to a job in Warsaw. I think, the first week of September I will be able to start a new job there but I still don’t have any confirmation“- you’ve definitely been consistent in your search for work in Warsaw. I hope that you will soon get a confirmation regarding the new job possibility.
“my girlfriend has been here too for a while and these are her last days here so a lot is being discussed“- again, excellent that you and your girlfriend have been visiting and communicating!
“There is some confusion towards what I’d like to do in the future… I’m considering in the future living here, with my girlfriend and doing something closer to nature (farming, yoga / sports retreat ). I feel a big part of me wants to stay here, the nature here really speaks to me and I find it hard to see myself living in a corporate capital city (Warsaw)“- reads like a good plan to me: to live and work close to nature with your girlfriend. I imagine this was discussed between the two of you: is there any kind of meeting-of-the-minds-and-heart in this regard?
I am doing well🙂, thank you. Good to read your update!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shandrea:
I like your new name, and I like the photo you added: you are very pretty.. and you have such a serious look in your eyes. Good to see you!!!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
Life has been treating me busy, thank you for asking. And you are welcome!
“she didn’t think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy“- she decided to break up with you and after telling you about her decision, she expected you to leave your flat, not planning on moving out herself: that’s an astounding level of sloppy-no-thinking-through.
In relationship terms, she thinks ahead too little, and you: too much.
“There were times I found myself checking her on social media… I know there is no other way than to not (be) contacting or stalking her.. in the beginning of this week, I felt I missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because I knew she was back from her business trip and is back. I guess its a phase but sometime I do struggle“- the struggles of the heart, struggles of an attachment dissolving. The attachment to her is a habit, and it is difficult to break habits.
You are in the habit of having contact with her, so you want more. She returns from a business trip, and as is your (emotional) habit, you get excited about her return, and you look forward to connecting with her. The breakup info didn’t interrupt these habit yet.
From health line/ the science of habit: “Here’s how the habit loop works: 1. Cue. You experience a stimulus — a trigger. It could be being in a certain location, smelling a certain smell, seeing a certain person, or feeling a particular emotional state, among many other possibilities. 2. Craving. The stimulus causes you to desire a particular outcome that you find rewarding. It motivates you to act. 3. Response. You engage in behaviors, thoughts, or actions you take to get that outcome. 4. Reward. The outcome occurs and you feel a sense of reward as a result, satisfying your craving. The pleasure or relief you experience reinforces the cue, making the cue even better at triggering craving next time. That’s why it’s an endless loop”-
Her belongings left behind, the pillow she left on your bed have been Cues; her return from a business trip, another cue. These cues lead to a Craving to contact her, leading to Responses: stalking her on social media, sending her a birthday gift after the breakup.. fits, doesn’t it?
“I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her“- to move on, you’d need to break the habit of having her in your life as a partner: (1) to remove all her things (cues) that are still in your flat, making your flat cue-free, and (2) to break the habit of checking on her social media activity (which provide you with more cues).
Back to the article I quoted from: “Whether you’re trying to build a new positive habit or shake an old habit you don’t like, patience is vital… Be kind to yourself as you try to break a pattern. Falling back into a habit doesn’t mean you’ve failed… Consistency will come with practice, and so will success”. End of quote.
Wishing you patience and kindness toward yourself!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 