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anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
“Why does someone choose to act at certain times and not others?”- because it is safe to attack the defenseless. I guess this is what evil is about.
There’s a difference between Courage (fighting against injustice) and Evil (mercilessly attacking the blameless).
You are making a very good point, Alessa.
You pointed in the direction of what evil is about, the destroying a defenseless, innocent child.
Not the destruction was complete- not for lack of effort on the part of the destroyer-in-chief, aka Mother.
Yes, I see evil for what is, thank you, Alessa.
Anita
anita
Participant* Typos, incorrect grammar, etc., are common in my journaling. Here’s a little correction: “I see it more clearly this late Sunday morning (11:21 am right now) than I ever did in my whole life! The way I see it now, evil (the intentional harming of another), may be about.. people retroactively protecting themselves, or rebelling against intentional harm done to them by people who… retroactively protected themselves from harm done to them, etc.
anita
ParticipantJournaling because I want to.
I was going to start with journaling because I can. But I shifted to.. because I want to.
The because-I-can comes from a place of rebellion, as in: I am not allowed to take space, but I am going to anyway! So, there!
The I-want-to comes from a place that is more relaxed.
Living with my mother for so very, so very, very long, way too long (it felt like being trapped in a forever), I couldn’t. Couldn’t express because.. well, expression was subject to prolonged hostile attacks.
To provide the psychological background to it: she was full of shame and she interpreted what she believed I was feeling as intentional efforts, on my part, to shame her. Completely not true to the reality that was, but that’s how she interpreted people’s expressed emotions, and she felt safe to express her dissatisfaction to me, her minor-age daughter, than to other people she did not .. “own”.
I believe it’s her oldest sister who cruelly shamed my mother, when my mother was a child, severely abusing her physically and emotionally. Fast forward, she “sees” that shaming in the emotions of a child (me) who desperately loved her and would have done ANYTHING to help her.
A projection thing, completely inaccurate, but.. that’s what she saw: rejection and hate in the eyes of little-girl-anita, a perceived rejection and hate that she responded to with.. intense rejection and hate.
Now, I can’t blame her for reciprocating my (non-existent) rejection of her because she really.. sincerely believed that I rejected her.
I remember her going on and on about how I intended to hurt her and implemented mt alleged plan to do just that. I tried to explain, but she wouldn’t listen and argued that I did plan to hurt her.
It wasn’t me that she saw, it was her oldest sister who was indeed terribly cruel and abusive to her.
It Wasn’t Me.
I see it more clearly this late Sunday night that I ever did in my whole life!
The way I see it now, evil (the intentional harming of others), may be about.. retroactively protecting themselves, or rebelling against intentional harm done to them by people who retroactively protected themselves.
I appreciate my own insight, that which I expressed right above, but if I somehow talked to my mother- following 12 years of no contact- she wouldn’t understand. Not capable.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
Nothing I can do to undo or redo anything that involves her.
I wonder, what is it that makes a person bad, as in a bad person..?
I think that the answer is in the harm the person causes another intentionally, with the intent to harm.
But as I think of my mother small smile when she recognized the hurt in my face, following something very shameful that she has just said…
I don’t hate her back. I understand that in her mind- she was enjoying her revenge in regard to her oldest sister, seeing her oldest sister face where mine was.
Can you blame a person for hurting the one who had hurt them for so long and taking a little pleasure in it?
That it was a mistaken identity case.. well, she didn’t know.
I am quite proud of myself right now, for having reached this nuanced understanding of my mother.. and of myself. And of life.
For me, my mother was EVERYTHING. For her.. I was her oldest sister, someone to defeat.
If I wrote an autobiography, I might title it MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
To me, my mother is like a little child who needs heavy-duty reparenting, a little girl that needs to be taught, or shown what love is, a little girl that should be given the opportunity to trust.
You know.. how oversimplifying can make a person feel better for the short term (as in, if I said: my mother was a bad person! I am a good person, so three!)? But it’s only short term. Seeing shades of grey, nuance, complexity, zooming out and seeing the bigger picture- that involves pain. But after doing this long enough, it brings calm simply because of seeing things as they are.
So, my mother is a person I can never reach.
My mother is a person who can never see me.
An unbridgeable gap.
To be so close to a person and yet so very, very far.
Okay, enough for now. Thank you for reading (assuming anyone is reading đ).
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Gerald:
Thank you for sharing this. Thereâs something so tender and grounding about those wordsâlike theyâre inviting us to slow down and remember the small, good things that often get lost in the rush.
Hereâs a little continuation, in the same spirit:
And if youâre tired
Or feeling low
Just rest a bit
And let it go
The world can wait
A little while
While we sit still
And share a smileThanks again for bringing this moment into the day.
Warmly, Anita
July 6, 2025 at 9:06 am in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #447356anita
ParticipantDear Emma:
Yes, the 4th of July is a big celebration here. I spent much of the day downtownâstreets were closed, thousands of people gathered, and there was a huge parade. One part of the parade really stood out to me: a group of belly dancers in beautiful costumes. One of them looked to be in her early 30s, another in her 50s, and one was likely in her late 60s.
Theyâre part of the Every Body is a Belly Dance Body movementâan inclusive, body-positive belly dance community that welcomes dancers of all ages, sizes (including plus-size and older women), genders, and backgrounds. Itâs not about looking a certain wayâitâs about expression, joy, and reconnecting with your body.
Do you think something like that might speak to you? Or even help youâbeing part of a group like that?
What you shared today about your parents really stood out to me. It sounds like, growing up, there wasnât much space for your emotionsâespecially the harder ones like anger or sadness. When you tried to express hurt to your mother, she became upset and turned it back on you, calling you âoverly sensitive.â That must have been incredibly frustrating. Instead of feeling heard, it sounds like you were made to feel like your feelings were the problem.
With your father, the message seemed more subtle but still clear: emotionsâespecially angerâshould be quickly ârestoredâ or changed. That likely taught you that strong feelings werenât really welcome, and that they needed to be managed or pushed aside rather than understood.
Given all that, it makes complete sense that now, as an adult, you feel the need to keep some distance. Thatâs not unfairâitâs protective. Youâre trying to give yourself the freedom and emotional space you didnât have growing up. Wanting that space doesnât mean you donât care about your parents. It means youâre learning to care for yourself, too.
And your anger? Itâs valid. Itâs not about blamingâitâs about recognizing what you needed and didnât get. Thatâs part of healing. Youâre not wrong for feeling it.
I really relate to what you shared about your mother. Mine was emotionally fragile too, and often centered on her own pain. I learned to push my emotions down to avoid upsetting her. She took up a lot of space expressing her feelings, but there wasnât any space for mine. I felt a lot, but those feelings were often criticized or dismissed. One emotion I felt strongly was empathyâfor her. I had none for myself, not that I remember. All of my emotional energy went toward her. And like you, I didnât have much agency in my life either.
When a daughter grows up emotionally close to a mother whoâs easily overwhelmed, it can lead to something called enmeshment. Thatâs when the emotional boundaries between you and your mother get blurred. You might feel responsible for her feelings, or like you have to protect her from your own. Over time, it becomes hard to know where she ends and you begin.
In that kind of relationship, itâs common to:
* Push down your feelings to avoid upsetting her
* Feel guilty for wanting space or independence
* Second-guess your choices, especially if they go against what she might want
* Struggle to say ânoâ or to trust your own voice
I think this is something we have in commonâa history of enmeshment with our mothers, and the impact that had on our sense of agency.
Thatâs why I wonder if your feelings for Philip might not just be about him, but about what he represents. Maybe he felt like a way outâa new emotional home. When someone grows up enmeshed/ emotionally trapped, itâs common to develop a fantasy that someone else will come along and understand them completely, love them unconditionally, take them away from the emotional chaos, and give them permission to be themselves
This kind of hope is powerful, even if itâs not always conscious. And when that person pulls away or doesnât live up to the fantasy, the grief can feel overwhelmingânot just because of the breakup, but because it feels like losing the only imagined way out.
The hard part is that this fantasy can delay the real work of separation. Instead of building agency from the inside out, the hope gets placed on someone else to ârescueâ you from the emotional bind with your parents.
But real agency doesnât come from being chosen. It comes from choosing yourself.
You asked about Philipâs attachment style. I honestly donât know. But I also want to be careful hereâbecause analyzing him might just give you more reasons to keep thinking about him. And I wonder if thatâs part of whatâs keeping you from turning fully toward your own healing. The more time you spend trying to understand him, the less space there is to focus on building your own sense of strength and freedom.
I say all of this with care, and with full respect for how painful this is. Youâre doing something really hardâand really important: youâre starting to separate from old patterns, speak your truth, and take your life back.
With warmth and care, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you so much for your message. I could feel the care and honesty in your words, and I really appreciate that you took the time to reflect so deeply on something so personal to me.
My mother caused me a lot of harm, and I donât excuse that. But I also know she was shaped by her own pain. She had a terrible childhoodâshe lost her mother, her father was an alcoholic who neglected her, and she was terribly abused by her older sister, both physically and emotionally. She spent time in an orphanage-like institution. Looking back, I can see that there were times when she was a good person. But when she wasnâtâwhen she turned that pain outwardâshe did it with full force. The shaming, the guilt-tripping, the relentless emotional pressure⌠that harm lives in my body every single day, every single hour, in the form of these tics.
I suppose I hold a nuanced view of herâas someone complex, and someone who was once an innocent child herself, harmed so badly that she may not have been able to help herself. That thought fills me with sadnessâfor the girl she was, long before I ever came into her life.
Thank you again for your kindness, and for holding space for my grief. It means more than I can say.
With care, Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Iâm really glad to hear you felt better yesterday, and I hope that feeling is still with you today. It takes a lot of strength to open up the way you did, and Iâm so glad it helped to get some of it off your chest. Youâre doing your best, and it truly shows.
That last thing you said really stayed with me: âChildren donât want perfection, they just want to be loved.â- Itâs such a powerful reminder. I imagine itâs easy for a mother to feel pressure to get everything rightâbut what really matters is being there with love and care. Thatâs what children remember. Thatâs what makes the difference.
Youâre showing up for him with loveâand thatâs more than enough. I hope you can offer some of that same kindness to yourself, too.
With care, Anita đź
anita
ParticipantI don’t disagree, Alessa, and I very much appreciate your thoughts and sentiment.. You do understand, and I appreciate you â¤ď¸. I will write more tomorrow, or on Monday.
Anita
anita
ParticipantHow are you, Tom?
Gregory, I was so delighted to see your postâitâs been almost a year since you last shared, and Iâve genuinely been thinking about you. How have you been? (If you feel like it, maybe you could reply in your own thread?) đ
Anita đ¤
July 5, 2025 at 8:20 am in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #447341anita
ParticipantDear Emma:
Iâve been a bit busier than usual lately, though not quite as much as I expected with the Fourth of July weekendâso Iâve had a little more time in front of the computer, and youâve been on my mind.
Thereâs something I wanted to share with you, in case it resonates. Itâs a concept called shadow work. Itâs about becoming aware of the parts of ourselves weâve learned to hideâthings like anger, shame, jealousy, or even the belief that weâre âtoo muchâ or ânot enough.â These parts often form in childhood or past relationships, where we were made to feel that certain emotions or needs werenât acceptable.
Shadow work is about gently noticing those parts, understanding where they came from, and learning to accept them instead of pushing them away.
You once mentioned being surprised that Philip liked you, and wondering if someone more secure or less emotional would have been a better match. That really stayed with me. Shadow work, in this case, might mean turning toward the part of you that feels unworthyânot to fix it, but to understand it and care for it. It can begin with something very simple.
Hereâs one way to start:
Notice when the feeling shows up. Maybe itâs when you think, âI was too much,â or âHe wouldnât have left if I were better.â Just pause and gently say to yourself, âAh, this is the part of me that feels unworthy.â
Ask where it came from. You might wonder, âWhen did I first feel this way?â or âWhose voice does this sound like?â Often, these feelings come from early experiencesâtimes when we were made to feel like our emotions or needs were too much, or not welcome.
Speak to that part with kindness. Imagine it as a younger version of yourselfâmaybe a little girl who just wanted to be loved and accepted. You might say, âYou didnât do anything wrong. You were never too much. You were just trying to be seen.â
Let the feeling be there without judgment. You donât have to make it go away. Just letting it exist, without pushing it down or trying to explain it away, is already healing.
Remind yourself of your worth. Not because of what you do or how well you handle thingsâbut simply because you exist. You are worthy of love, care, and gentleness, even when you feel unsure or afraid.
This kind of work takes time, and itâs okay to move slowly. Youâve already shown so much courage by naming your feelings and sharing your story. Thatâs not weaknessâitâs strength.
You donât have to be perfect to be lovable. You already are.
Have you ever tried something like this before?
With warmth and care, Anita đ¤
anita
ParticipantDear Lucidity:
Iâve watched several of your videos, and what really stands out to me is the unique and professional quality of the production. The person behind the camera did an excellent jobâthereâs a clear sense of care, skill, and intention in the way everything is filmed. Itâs genuinely fascinating to watch you bake a carrot cake, sew clothes, or move through simple, everyday tasks. The high-quality visuals, paired with your quiet, soft voice, give these ordinary moments a sense of beauty and calmâsomething quietly extraordinary.
Your presence is also striking: unassuming, modest, and grounded. Your gentle voice and calm delivery create such a peaceful atmosphereâitâs easy to feel at ease while watching.
The messages you share are powerful and deeply meaningful. A few that stayed with me:
You are worthy of your dreams at any age.
The power to create the future you want lies within you.
One step at a time is the only way to work toward anything.
True ethical living requires practicing self-compassion and prioritizing our mental and emotional health as the foundation for genuine outward compassion.
And of course, Hippocratesâs timeless wisdom: âLet food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.â
One difficulty I had, particularly with the videos on healing and grit, was understanding the spoken words. The pronunciation wasnât always clear to me, and I found myself struggling to follow along. Eventually, I lost patience trying to decipher the message, which was frustratingâbecause I truly wanted to hear what you had to say.
Still, I deeply appreciate the heart and thought you put into your work. Itâs clear that what youâre offering is meaningful, sincere, and created with care.
Anita đ¤
anita
ParticipantContinued journaling (motivated by my post to Alessa, a short while ago): I have more empathy for my mother than I have for any other person in the whole wide world. I understand her why-s and her how-s.
She has been so terribly wounded, so very terribly traumatized. No judgment. I’d do anything to go back- back- back- in time and SAVE her.
.. Thing is- there’s nothing I can do for her.
And if I try once again-again-again-again to help, to connect- the only thing I will achieve is.. my own destruction.
It’s like a deer trying to help a mountain lion.. the deer is likely to get eaten.
Not that my 84-year-old mother is a predator. It’s just that, if you try to get close, she becomes a predator. She can’t help it.
She was so deeply-in-shame that any and every effort on my part to connect with her means more shame for her.
She was not/ is not a bad person (in regard to her intents), she’s just.. Sick with Shame.
And so, she imagined- when I was a child- that I was trying to shame her. She then lashed out, attacking, shaming the person she believed was shaming her (the child-me.. NOT)
She was too deeply entrenched in her own devastating shame.
Looking back, it’s about her severe mental illness. There was nothing I could have done to help her.. while she was- in effect- if not by intent- destroying me.
Fast forward, what can I possibly do with this 84-year-old woman who may be suffering from dementia (sounds like it, from the little I was told), stooped over, rheumatoid arthritis. What could I possibly say/ do that can make a difference?
Nothing.
It’s amazing how the mother I knew my whole life (I never lived in a world where she was not a part of)- the mother I had for so long, will be no more.
And when she’s gone.. I will truly be alone.
Tears in my eyes.
Strange, what I typed right above-
“I will truly be alone”- But I was so very alone while she was alive, all those years..!
“I will truly be alone”- this means that her image, in my mind, still carries a “togetherness” sense..?
It must be that little girl’s sense (me, in the first few months or years of life) of her as the SOURCE OF LIFE.
So, at 64, thinking of my 84-year-old mother- continents and oceans apart- still feels like she’s my source of life.
Amazing, isn’t it..? Mother is Everything.?
It’s an instinctual thing, not a rational thing.
(Loud fireworks, July-4-7:35 pm, Western U.S.)
So.. processing all this.. I am not demonizing my mother.. nothing but empathy for her, and yet, at the same time, there’s this knowing that there never was a way for me to bridge the distance.
Still.. I have this image of her in my mind: she is 40-years-old (40 years ago), looking at me (20-years-old), and..
The disconnect is COMPLETE back then, unbridgeable. An unbridgeable disconnect.
If there is anything I am sure about, it is this one thing: there has been no way for me to connect with my mother. Not a failure on my part, but a failure she has brought with her.
Something to grieve: this Impossibility of Connection (IoC).
Anita
anita
ParticipantI wanted to add, Alessa: your very, very unfortunate experience with your bio mother feels so similar to my own experience with my mother: things you shared about today, and things you shared about in deleted threads.
You and I have so much in common in this regard, I feel.
The drowning trauma- I have this everyday tic, multiple times a day, where I am gasping for air, as if drowning.
It could be because she used to force feed me by blocking my nose with her fingers, so I had to open my mouth, and then.. she forced food into that opening (my mouth).
And her threat, “I will murder you!”- we have this in common as well.
Anything I can do, Alessa, to help or to just be present with you as you go through these struggles.. Please let me know.
Anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and painful. I can only imagine how much strength it took to put those memories into words. What you went through as a child is heartbreakingâno child should ever have to live in fear like that. The fact that you survived it, and that youâre now raising your son with love and awareness, speaks volumes about your courage and your heart.
You are not your mother. The very fact that you worry about becoming like herâthat you hold back your pain to protect your child, that you reflect so deeply on your feelingsâproves that. Youâre breaking the cycle, even when it hurts. Even when itâs exhausting. Even when her shadow still lingers.
Itâs okay to miss the past, to feel overwhelmed, to want space to breathe. Those are human feelings, not signs of failure. And expressing themâsafely, like youâre doing hereâis not weakness. Itâs healing.
You are not alone in this. And your son is lucky to have a mother who loves him enough to face the hardest parts of her past so he doesnât have to carry them.
With care and deep respect, Anita đ¤
anita
ParticipantPre Independent-Day-Parade Journaling. Because I can.
Giving emotions this space to Express.
Allowing them to shake off the dust of a lifetime of suppression.
Inviting them to be seen, heard, felt.It’s been mostly a life unlived.
A life so full of disquiet within.
Shame and Guilt.
Depression.And now there is a new youth within my aging body.
Gone is the depression, and the shame and guilt- almost gone.
I am standing tall, with a smile.
Each new day no longer disappears into the day before.I FEEL alive.
Life no longer stolen,
No longer sealed behind lock and key.Anita
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