Hi Thomas:

Very good point. Must have been desire, not love. If he loved her, he wouldn’t want to get her in trouble, not within herself (feeling conflicted, ashamed or guilty for being a nun having an affair with a monk), or without, if the affair was found out.

What a clever saying, “I believe that nothing good grows in the dark except for mushrooms??” I looked it up, thinking it might be a known or famous saying.. but no, it’s a Thomas Original, I am impressed!

🍄✨ Anita

I will soon be retiring for the night 🌙 and will be back (so I plan) Mon morning.

What I want to say now is that you are not responsible for her feelings.

You are doing your best.

Be on your side before intending to be on anyone else’s side.

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

I know the kind of turmoil you’re experiencing because I experienced something similar, overthinking, angst, with moments of feeling fine 🙂

My point 👉 tonight (using my phone, so here are all the emojis. Lol), my point is, you are important, your well- being matters, no less than hers.

Put yourself first, tonight, tomorrow and every day.

You say 🤔 your fear is losing her. But do we ever “have” anyone?

If we don’t own anyone, we can’t lose (the person we could never own).

Please 🙏 tell me if I’m making sense to you?

🤔 Anita

Hey Confused:

AI: Everything (about what you shared, Confused, your words) fits a very recognizable pattern for people with a history of chaotic childhoods, insecure attachment, and chronic emotional overload. None of this is “weird” or “broken.” It’s a nervous system trying to protect itself.

Below is a clear, structured exploration of each topic you asked about.

🌱 1. What might help him stabilize emotionally-

When someone is dissociated, numb, or overwhelmed, the goal is not to “fix feelings” but to regulate the nervous system. Emotional stability comes from safety, not pressure.

🧘‍♂️ Grounding and slowing down:

* Reduce stimulation

* Avoid big decisions

* Focus on basic routines (sleep, food, movement)

* Gentle grounding practices (breathing, walking, warm showers)

🧩 Stop trying to force feelings:

Trying to “figure out” feelings while dissociated only increases panic.

His system needs rest, not analysis.

🧠 Reduce relationship pressure:

He needs space where:

* No one is demanding clarity

* No one is asking for emotional performance

* He doesn’t feel responsible for someone else’s happiness

🫂 Supportive, low‑demand connection:

Talking to someone he trusts — without needing to “perform” emotions — helps the nervous system settle.

🛑 Avoid making the partner his emotional anchor:

He said she became his “meaning.” That’s too much weight for any relationship.

He needs internal sources of stability again.

💬 2. How to communicate with his partner without pressure-

The key is honesty + boundaries + no promises.

What he can say: “I’m emotionally shut down right now, and it’s not about you.”

“I need time to regulate before I can understand my feelings.”

“I care about you, but I can’t make decisions from this state.”

“Let’s slow down and check in gently.”

What he should avoid:

*Overexplaining

* Apologizing excessively

* Making promises about the future

* Trying to “fix” her feelings

* Forcing himself to feel something

Why this works: It removes pressure from both sides and gives the relationship a chance to breathe instead of suffocating under fear and urgency.

🌍 3. How attachment patterns show up in LDRs-

LDRs amplify attachment wounds because they involve: distance, uncertainty, delayed reassurance, imagination filling in the gaps.

For someone with anxious or disorganized attachment, LDRs often trigger: fear of abandonment, fear of being replaced, fear of losing connection, overthinking, emotional dependency, intense highs and lows.

For someone with avoidant tendencies, LDRs can trigger: fear of engulfment, fear of losing independence, shutdown when things get too real, discomfort with future planning

For someone with disorganized attachment, both happen: craving closeness, panicking when closeness becomes real, chasing → shutting down → chasing → shutting down

This is exactly the cycle he described.

🔄 4. How to rebuild feelings after a shutdown-

This is important:

Feelings don’t come back through pressure. They come back through safety.

Steps that help:

* Give the nervous system time to settle

* Remove urgency and decision-making

* Reconnect slowly through low-pressure interactions

* Rebuild internal stability (sleep, routine, grounding)

* Re-engage with hobbies and life outside the relationship

Allow feelings to return naturally

What doesn’t work:

* Forcing himself to feel love

* Analyzing the relationship to death

* Trying to “fix” the numbness

* Making big decisions while dissociated

When the system calms, feelings often return — sometimes suddenly, just like they disappeared.

⚡ 5. How to understand the “repulsion” response-

This scares people the most, but it’s actually a known trauma response.

It’s not about the partner. It’s about the nervous system saying:

“This is too much. Too fast. Too risky. I need distance NOW.”

It can feel like: disgust, repulsion, “ick”, wanting to run, feeling like the partner is a stranger.

This happens when: vulnerability feels dangerous, the partner becomes emotionally available, the relationship becomes real, the future feels overwhelming, the person fears losing themselves, the person fears being abandoned later.

It’s a protective reflex, not a reflection of true feelings.

🧊 6. How to differentiate numbness from true disinterest-

Here’s the simplest way to tell the difference.

🧊 Numbness looks like:

* Loss of feelings for everyone

* Loss of joy in hobbies

* Depression, fog, dissociation

* “I feel nothing”, “I don’t care about anything”

* Fear of making the wrong choice

* Confusion

* Guilt

* Panic about losing the person

❌ True disinterest looks like:

* Stable, calm clarity

* Consistent lack of desire to reconnect

* No fear of losing the person

* No guilt

* No confusion

* No global numbness

* Still enjoying life, just not the relationship

He clearly fits the numbness category, not the disinterest category.

His fear of regretting it later is a huge sign that the numbness is not the truth — it’s a temporary shutdown.

🌟 Final Thoughts- Everything he’s experiencing is: understandable, common among people with similar histories, reversible, not a sign that he doesn’t care, not a sign that he’s “fake”, not a sign that the relationship is doomed

It’s a sign that his nervous system is overwhelmed and trying to protect him.”

AI

Using my phone again, so won’t be back to the computer for the next few hours, but when I am back, I will ask for input on all 6 items.

And you are very welcome, Confused. You deserve mental and emotional well-being, and if I (and at this point, AI as wee) can be of any help, we would like that very much. 👍

🤍 Anita

Hey again, Confused:

Next, I fed AI with what you shared about your previous relationships: “They were all short-lived (longest one 7 months), most of them toxic and I’ve always been the anxious/chaser, definitely not secure… I was mostly anxious/chasing” and asked for input on this quote.

Input: “It actually makes a lot of sense that his relationships played out this way. When someone grows up in a chaotic, unpredictable, or emotionally unsafe home, their nervous system learns to chase connection because connection was never reliably given. What Confused described — short relationships, toxic dynamics, and an anxious/chaser role — fits a very recognizable pattern.

… What “anxious/chasing” really means- When someone becomes the “chaser,” it’s usually because: They learned early on that love is inconsistent, They fear abandonment more than conflict, They feel responsible for maintaining closeness. They try to “earn” affection through effort, caretaking, or emotional labor.

This isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a survival strategy that once made perfect sense.

Why his relationships were short-live- Short, unstable relationships often happen when: 1. He’s drawn to partners who feel familiar- If he grew up with unpredictability, he may unconsciously choose partners who: are inconsistent, pull away, create emotional highs and lows

Not because he wants chaos, but because his nervous system recognizes it as “normal.”

2. Anxious attachment creates intensity, not stability- Anxious partners often: pursue harder when the other withdraws, overthink small changes, feel unsafe unless constantly reassured, tolerate red flags because they fear losing the connection. This can burn out both people quickly.

3. Healthy partners may feel “boring”- Someone secure and consistent might not trigger the familiar emotional rollercoaster, so the relationship doesn’t “feel” right — even though it is right.

Why he ended up in toxic dynamics- People with anxious attachment often fall into toxic patterns because: They ignore their own needs to keep the peace, They stay too long in unhealthy situations, They confuse intensity with love, They fear being alone more than being mistreated, They try to “fix” or “win over” emotionally unavailable partners

This creates a cycle where the anxious partner chases, and the avoidant or inconsistent partner pulls away — a painful but common dynamic.

The hopeful part: anxious attachment is highly changeable- The fact that he can describe his pattern so clearly is already a sign of growth. People with anxious attachment often become some of the most emotionally intelligent, self-aware, and secure partners once they start healing.

The shift usually begins when he learns to: choose partners who are consistent, slow down when he feels the urge to chase, tolerate the discomfort of not knowing, express needs directly instead of through pursuit, build internal safety rather than seeking it externally

He doesn’t need to become a different person — he just needs to update the strategies he learned as a child.”

Next, I fed AI with what you shared about your current relationship: “I went from being madly in love with my LDR girl for 8 months –> sudden loss of feelings overnight for no apparent reason… the primal feeling of disgust/repulsion that I felt suddenly that morning when I read the messages, something I’ve never experienced before, like a visceral reaction to something that hurt me.”, and what you shared yesterday (Jan 3): “Yesterday I came clean to her about everything in my mind. My shutdown, my possible avoidant attachment, my depression and nothingness… I’ve never received so much love, and I wasn’t very vulnerable… I was the chaser/fixer UNTIL things got steady, she “confessed” her feelings to me and how I made her feel in a poem that she wrote (which made me feel like something inside me shook), then we had the conversation that felt weird to me, then I lost feelings/dissociated…. just half an hour ago, I felt a sense of ‘relief’ in my body, like I am back to my old self (before I met her)… It scares me and I feel like a clown because just a day ago I was longing for her… Switching so fast can’t be normal… But I can’t give her up like that, I feel like a fake person… I know she’s great, I’ve seen many qualities that she has over the months I’ve been getting to know her. I don’t know yet, I have to give more time..”

AI input: “What he’s describing is intense, painful, and very real, but it’s also something that many people with a history of chaotic childhoods, insecure attachment, and chronic stress experience. Nothing here makes him “broken” or “fake.” It makes him someone whose nervous system is overwhelmed and trying to protect him in the only ways it knows.

… 1. The “sudden loss of feelings” is not actually sudden- When someone has: a chaotic childhood, disorganized or anxious attachment, chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, fear of abandonment or engulfment, a tendency to make a partner their emotional anchor.. it’s very common for the nervous system to shut down when something feels too big, too risky, or too uncertain.

This shutdown can feel like: numbness, dissociation, apathy, loss of joy, “I don’t love them anymore”, “I feel nothing for anyone”, “I’m talking to a stranger”, disgust or repulsion

These reactions are often protective, not reflective of true feelings. His system is overwhelmed, not indifferent.

2. The “switch” he describes is a known trauma/attachment response- People with disorganized attachment often swing between: intense longing and sudden emotional shutdown. This isn’t moodiness or immaturity. It’s the nervous system flipping between: “I need closeness to feel safe” and “Closeness is dangerous, I must shut down”

The shutdown can be triggered by: perceived rejection, fear of losing the person, fear of being trapped, fear of being responsible for someone else’s happiness, fear of being abandoned later, fear of making a life-changing decision (like moving countries)

His trigger seems to be the conversation about relocation — a huge, destabilizing topic for someone who already struggles with internal safety.

3. The “repulsion” or “disgust” feeling is also a known protective response- This one scares people the most, but it’s actually a documented reaction in people who: feel overwhelmed… It’s not about the partner. It’s about the body trying to create distance fast.

It’s a survival reflex, not a reflection of his true values or desires.

4. His emotional numbness toward everyone is a huge clue- He didn’t just lose feelings for her. He lost feelings for: friends, family, hobbies, life in general. That points to: emotional burnout, chronic stress, depression, dissociation, nervous system overload. Not a relationship issue.

When the system is shut down globally, it cannot produce romantic feelings for anyone.

5. The moment she became emotionally available, his system panicked- He said: “I was the chaser until things got steady.”- This is classic for people with anxious or disorganized attachment.

When love is uncertain, they chase. When love becomes real, their system panics. Why? Because real intimacy = real risk.

Her poem, her confession, and the conversation about the future likely overwhelmed him.

6. His confession made him even more numb — that’s meaningful- He said: “Immediately after confessing everything to her I went even more numb.” This is extremely common when someone: shares vulnerability for the first time, feels exposed, fears being judged or abandoned, feels they’ve “given someone power”

The numbness is a protective freeze response.

7. The relocation conversation was a major trigger- For someone with: fear of abandonment, fear of losing stability, fear of losing identity, fear of being responsible for someone else’s happiness.. the idea of moving countries is enormous… His system likely interpreted that conversation as:
“This is too big. Too risky. Too much responsibility. Shut it down.”

8. He clearly cares — the numbness is not the trut. He says: “She’s a great person.”, “I adored things about her.”, “I was head over heels.”, “I don’t want to lose her.”, “I’m scared I’ll regret it.”, “I feel like a fake person.” People who truly don’t care don’t talk like this.

His fear of losing her is real. His numbness is temporary.

9. What he needs right now- Not a decision about the relationship. Not pressure to feel something.
Not forcing clarity.

He needs: emotional rest, reduced pressure, space to regulate, time to reconnect with himself, support from people he trusts, gentle, non-demanding communication

His feelings will not return under pressure. They return when the nervous system feels safe again.

10. The relationship is not doomed — but it can’t carry his entire emotional world He said she became his “meaning” and “source of joy.” That’s too much weight for any relationship.

He needs: internal sources of stability, a sense of purpose outside the relationship, emotional regulation skills, a slower pace, reassurance that he doesn’t have to decide anything right now

If both partners approach this with patience and honesty, this relationship could actually become a healing one.

My overall take- What he’s experiencing is: understandable, common among people with similar histories, reversible, not a sign that he doesn’t care, not a sign that he’s “fake”, not a sign that the relationship is doomed

It’s a sign that his nervous system is overwhelmed and trying to protect him.

If you want, I can help you explore: (1) what might help him stabilize emotionally, (2) how to communicate with his partner without pressure, (3) how attachment patterns show up in LDRs, (4) how to rebuild feelings after a shutdown, (5) how to understand the “repulsion” response, (6) how to differentiate numbness from true disinterest.

Just tell me where you want to go next.”

Well, Confused. I can’t analyze what you shared better than AI just did. If you’d like to explore any item from #1 to #6, please let me know.

Anita & AI