Dear Alessa:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It’s wonderful to see how our shared experiences and values bring us closer, even as we celebrate our unique differences.

I’m glad you found healing in pursuing activities your families discouraged. Embracing who we are without judgment is powerful.

Your reflections on parenting are profound. Realizing that worthiness doesn’t require specific actions and embracing loveable qualities is freeing. It’s great to read how parenting has helped you grow in patience and emotional discipline.

Thank you for prompting us to reflect on self-compassion. Looking forward to continuing this conversation.

anita

Dear Tom:

Thank you for your message. I completely understand your concerns about delivering the presentation to a large group. It’s natural to feel nervous about public speaking.

If it helps, here are a few tips that might ease your nerves:

Practice: Rehearse your presentation multiple times, either in front of a mirror, with a friend, or recording yourself. Familiarity will boost your confidence.

Focus on Breathing: Before and during your presentation, take deep breaths to calm your nerves.

Engage with the Audience: Try to focus on connecting with your audience rather than just delivering content. It can make the experience feel more like a conversation.

Positive Visualization: Picture yourself delivering a successful presentation. Positive imagery can help build confidence.

Remember, it’s okay to feel nervous. Even experienced speakers feel the same way. You’ve got this!

anita

Dear Dafne:

“And now the spider is back!”- you say it as if it’s a good thing 🫢 What feels good isn’t always what’s best for you.

“I feel relieved that he replied and I can have some answers”- what answers and to what questions?

“I am neither a dreamer, nor a liar, nor irresponsible”, said the 🕷️ to the 🪰.

“He said some nice words about the beauty of a family life”, as he pointed to his 🕸️ (spider web).

“Is it wise to continue texting him without him unblocking me on the other media?”- the phone is one entry point to his 🕸️. Unblocking you on the other media would be like unblocking a second entrance into his 🕸️.

“What do you think of this whole situation now Anita?”- I think that he is dealing with a very low self-esteem and have created a fictional Asian project involving millions of dollars to feel better about himself. In this context, questioning him about the project is like pulling the carpet from under his feet, which is not fair to him (the reason I recommended that you no longer question him about the project).

On the other hand, he wants your money, all the money that you have and can get through loans and whatnot. He’s been trying to lure you into his web of deceit with hopes and promises of a shared home and life with you.

How to move forward? Through empathy for him (no longer questioning him), and empathy for yourself, prioritizing your well-being.

Notice this, in the latest exchange with him yesterday, he said: “family life is the most beautiful”- he told you earlier that his parents passed away, were cremated and that (if I understand correctly) he does not know where their ashes are. He also told you that he has no siblings and that he has little to no contact with cousins, none of them whom you met. So, seems to me that the words “family life is the most beautiful” do not indicate his persona experience and are meant to lure you into his web of deceit.

He also said: “I regret that you did not meet my friend… my partner… But I introduced you to other friends who are jealous, they did not even call me for New Year’s Day”- given that you never met his alleged project- related friend and partner, and that the two friends you did meet are not really friends… then, altogether, he has no friends and no family, at least not any with whom he has contact, or positive relationships.. so, what does it tell you, Dafne?

anita

Dear Jana:

“What was your perfectionism, Anita?”- the earliest memory I have of my perfectionism was following my mother’s criticism in regard to cleaning the floor. While she was not at home (to avoid her criticism), on all four, I scrubbed and mopped each and every square of the living room floor with a dishwasher sponge, and I remember thinking: “No way can she say I didn’t do it right!”. I don’t remember what happened next, but in line with her behaviors, upon finding out how I cleaned the floor (if she did), she criticized and made fun of me for cleaning the floor in such an unconventional way.. and still not getting the floor clean, doing it wrong yet again. And again. And again.

From one point on, I stopped trying to do it (whatever “it” was) because I was not able- no matter how hard I tried- to.. do it right.

While in therapy (2011-13), I used to produce these documents which I titled “Rules 4 Life”, listing behaviors to-do, and behaviors to-not-do, then signing the document and somehow, I thought that by signing it I could follow the behaviors perfectly. One behavior I listed to-not-do in every such document was to not overeat, a behavior I failed to execute (I used to binge eat). There was always hope that when I signed a Rules-4-Life, I would really make it happen, that is, I would really begin a New Life as a person I can count on, a measured, self-disciplined person I can depend on and feel proud of.

Fast forward, I am not the impulsive, compulsive person I used to be and it’s been years since I binged on food. I learned self-discipline in a variety of areas which has been a necessary part in my healing process, depending on myself.

I suppose setting rigid rules and signing them was about my desperate rules to put order in the chaos within me. The rigid rules provided me with a sense of order and predictability at first, but then, any deviation from the rules felt like a devastating failure, creating a cycle of self-criticism and guilt, exacerbating internal chaos.

The rigid rules addressed surface-level behaviors (such as binge eating) without addressing the deeper emotional and psychological issues driving those behaviors/ the root causes, the chaos may persist despite the structured approach. The main root cause for my often overwhelming internal chaos was my early life (and onward) experience with my mother. She was the Chaos in my life, like an unpredictable storm that can destroy at any time, or a bomb that can explode at any time. The External Chaos became Internal Chaos and the rigid Rules 4 Life (involving the expectation of perfect adherence to the rules) were my misguided attempt at achieving control and order.

anita

Dear Tom:

Thank you, it’s a rainy, rainy weekend here. Maybe can help you put together part of your presentation? (I will be back to the computer Mon morning (it’s Sun afternoon here).

anita

Dear Andypandy499::

Thank you for sharing your experience and for opening up about the challenges you’ve been facing. Losing a parent can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience, and it’s understandable that processing such a loss takes time and trigger other emotional issues.

It’s commendable that you have started counseling sessions to address your grief and PTSD. Recognizing the impact of your behavior on your girlfriend and being willing to work on rebuilding her trust shows a deep commitment to your relationship and personal growth.

Here are a few suggestions: (1) Share your feelings and progress with your girlfriend. Let her know that you are committed to working on your issues and that you value her support and understanding, (2) Be consistent in your actions and patient with the process. Show her through your behavior that you are dedicated to positive change, (3) Consider involving her in some of your counseling sessions or finding a couples’ therapist. This can help both of you navigate the healing process together and strengthen your bond, and (4) Continue working on self-care and coping strategies to manage your PTSD and grief. This will not only benefit you but also improve your relationship.

It’s clear that you care deeply for her and believe in your future together. With dedication and support, you can work through these challenges and emerge stronger as a couple.

Wishing you strength and healing as you navigate this journey.

anita

Dear Dafne: Thank you for the note. While I am waiting for his response as well, I am preparing a new post for you.

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for your kind words about how I summed up your thoughts. I’m 🙂 to help make things clearer for everyone.

Your analogy about the sun and love beautifully illustrates the idea of love as a constant presence, independent of our perceptions. It’s a comforting reminder that love endures beyond our immediate experiences.

I appreciate your reflection on the different phases of life, of the shifting focus in the 2nd half of life: from Gathering to Refining our experiences, a time for deeper contemplation and growth.

The quote you added resonates. Confronting and working through pain leads to deeper self-awareness, understanding, empathy, and resilience. In contrast, ignoring or turning away from pain on an ongoing basis results in a lack of understanding and diminished resilience.

Transcending the superficial world, or the attachment to the superficial world (which involves compromising our true, authentic selves by giving in to a craving for others’ approval, people-pleasing, trying to fit societal expectations, feeling guilty for not fitting in, etc.) requires the courage to look inward and face our deepest truths, even when these are uncomfortable or painful.

This introspection allows us to move beyond external appearances and the distractions and noise of the external world => => => connecting with our true selves, the ultimate reality within our hearts, the core of our essence.

I hope you are feeling better, Peter ☀️

anita