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anita
ParticipantRemember my last words to you, Zenith: you ARE fierce inside. Trust it. I will miss you.
This place (tiny buddha) is no longer my place. Goodby, Zenith. I will miss you.
Anita
anita
ParticipantWould you like me to have an email address of yours where we can continue to communicate, Zenith?
Anita
August 7, 2025 at 6:56 pm in reply to: “He initiated closeness, then disappeared — still hurting months later” #448344anita
ParticipantDear Adalie:
I understand. I am so sorry about all the pain through all of this. I don’t know you irl, but I care nonetheless.
Anita⅝
anita
ParticipantI know anxiety all too well and I know fear of people, but I am discovering my own fierceness. I am discovering what it means and how to make it work for me (and for others).. And so can you. It takes learning, beginning in “small” ways. I put small in quotations because whenever you assert yourself just right.. there’s nothing small about it.
If you want, we can practice: you be you and I’ll play the part of your manager.. or co-sister or mil.
(I have to leave soon and be back to the computer tonight).
Anita
anita
ParticipantThe fierceness is in you.. Trust it and it will serve you well!
anita
ParticipantShe got it from you! The Fierceness is within you, I noticed it from the time we first started talking 🔥
anita
ParticipantTell her calmly and politely how you are going to respond to co-sister. You might be surprised- she may retreat and not push you. I just wish your husband would be there to support you. But if you have to do it alone- be it..
Take an example from your little one’s defiance.. just do it in a grown-up, mature way.
anita
ParticipantIt takes courage. But think about it: what’s the worst that can happen if you decide how you respond to co-sister? You’ll have to sleep on a small bed all by yourself when you’re there. lol.. Better that or some sign of others’ disapproval than a heavy, angry (understandably) mind and heart!
anita
ParticipantFrom now on- quiet defiance! No need to argue or be loud- simply do not submit to your mil’s expectations or directions! To thine own self be True! (Shakespeare said that).
anita
Participant“Why I should I treat her with more respect if I don’t get the same respect back?”- this question is easy to answer: you can’t control how your mil treats your co-sister, but you can control how you treat the co-sister.
Your mil has the right to respond to the co-sister as she wishes; she has no right to control your responses to the co-sister.
No More Unfair Control, says I!
anita
Participant* as long as the room I am given is NOT uncomfortably small
anita
ParticipantOh, yes, I remember now. In my response earlier today I completely forgot the respect for elders cultural nuance. I am sorry for the confusion, Zenith.
Integrating this nuance now, I’d say: if this is the cultural norm, then it’s not personal. Whether you accept this part of the culture or fight it- that’s your personal choice (I know you are a rebel in this regard).
If I was you, while in India (as long as the room I am given is uncomfortably small), I would accept the situation.. But when they all visit me.. guess who gets the small room.. lol.
Anita
August 7, 2025 at 10:14 am in reply to: “He initiated closeness, then disappeared — still hurting months later” #448303anita
ParticipantWhat did he mean by “that’s much better”- I don’t understand..?
anita
ParticipantHi Laven:
The foster system failed you and so did the schools you attended.. and your foster mom and.. so many others 😢
The term ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) refers to a potentially traumatic event that occurs during childhood (ages 0–17). An experience that can have lasting effects on a person’s physical, emotional, and relational health well into adulthood.
Common types of ACEs include: Abuse (Physical, emotional, or sexual), Neglect (Emotional or physical), Parental separation or divorce, Substance abuse in the home, Mental illness in a caregiver, Domestic violence, and Incarceration of a household member.
These experiences can disrupt a child’s sense of safety, stability, and bonding, and are linked to long-term health outcomes like depression, anxiety, chronic illness, and relational difficulties.
In my case I experienced all of the above types of ACEs, at one point or another, except for Substance abuse in the home and Incarceration of a household member.
Clearly, Laven, you suffered from multiple ACEs as well.
If magic was real, I would go back in time and rescue little girl Laven and take her to a place where she’d be loved and cared for- every day, consistently. I would do that for every abused, unfortunate child.
🤍 Anita
August 7, 2025 at 8:43 am in reply to: “He initiated closeness, then disappeared — still hurting months later” #448297anita
ParticipantYou’re very welcome, Adalie—and thank you for receiving my words with such openness.
It’s so human to wonder if we did something wrong when someone pulls away, especially after showing us tenderness. But I think you’re right: it might not have been about you at all.
You described him as kind, quiet, and gentle—someone who’s been deeply hurt before. Your tenderness (the touch, the hand-holding, the emotional presence) may have stirred something in him that felt too vulnerable. If he came expecting something casual and suddenly felt seen, it might have triggered old wounds or fears of being known and then hurt again.
He may lean toward an avoidant attachment style—where closeness feels both longed for and threatening. In moments of genuine connection, someone with this pattern might instinctively retreat, not because they don’t care, but because vulnerability feels unsafe.
He was tired, hot, and possibly emotionally depleted. You mentioned he’d worked a long day and was feeling the heat. Emotional intimacy can feel overwhelming when someone is already on edge. The timing may have been off.
Maybe he sensed that you wanted more than he could give, and instead of communicating that, he disappeared. Your openness and warmth might have made him feel like he was disappointing you, which can be hard for someone already carrying emotional guilt or shame.
And maybe he felt conflicted about connecting with someone who’s married. Even if the relationship is strained, the emotional and ethical complexity might have stirred discomfort or guilt—especially if he’s been hurt before or fears being part of something that feels unclear. He may have realized afterward that he didn’t want to be “the other man,” even if the moment felt genuine.
Sometimes people leave not because we did something wrong, but because they aren’t ready to receive what we offered. His silence might be about protecting himself, not punishing you. But your ache is real nonetheless—not just for him, but for the kind of connection you felt was possible with him.
It’s okay to feel the ache and the hope at the same time. You saw something in him, and he saw something in you too—even if he couldn’t stay with it. That doesn’t make your feelings one-sided. It just means he wasn’t ready.
You have a big heart, Adalie, and it’s clear you know how to love with courage and tenderness. That’s a rare gift. Even if this connection wasn’t meant to last, it still mattered. You mattered—in that brief connection, and far beyond it.
Warmly, Anita
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