Dear Milda:

I am happy to communicate with you too, Milda. Thank you for giving me this opportunity!

“I always searched for ways to meet their emotional needs UNCONDITIONALLY.”- you loved them unconditionally. You are and always have been a loving daughter. I can tell you are a loving person overall by the attentive, kind and appreciative ways you respond to those of us who respond to you, here on your thread.

“But meeting my needs by them was always conditional. Always. And conditions were not on my side, so I was left alone with my problems and my need for safety, acceptance and love.”- the fact that they didn’t love you back in the ways that matter most does not take away from the fact that you loved them so much and for so long.

“Can’t feel nothing authentical about me”- I think that your loving nature is very much an authentic part of you!

“If it was only who could make another person happy, problem-free, my parents would be acting differently. They are not happy people, they are doing their automatic behavior and nothing changes.”- your authentic, unconditional love for them did not bring any positive change in them.. it made no positive difference in the ways they think, feel and live.

Not because you loved them wrong, but because they didn’t take in your love. It met their surface, but never their depth—it slid off them like oil on Teflon. Do you agree?

“my problems, this ‘hanging’ situation with my parents about how to continue the communication with them, so that I do not become this stressed, over functioning person. Right now it feels as if it’s impossible to have a peaceful relationship with parents. They want answers from me, they want to know what happened and the saddest part is that I could try to explain, but they will never understand… The lack of ability to see the next step now that I have stopped communication with parents is crushing me.”-

As I see it, you are indeed in a “‘hanging’ situation”- neither here nor there- neither in regular communication with your parents, nor in a cessation of communication. It’s like you are still on the phone with someone, on a pause. You didn’t hang up the phone yet.

What if you hang up the phone, that is, make it very clear to them that you will not be communicating wit them at all- not directly and not indirectly- for the next two years, let’s say. It’d give you a significant breathing room. You can put as much love into this kind of clear, assertive message. Ask them to respect your choice, make it clear to them tat you are struggling and need this break from them for your mental health.

Not that I have reason to expect them to respect your assertion (from what you shared about them). This message would be still about your love for them, but also about your love for yourself.

What do you think/ feel about my suggestion?

🤍🌿 Anita

This is all difficult stuff, Milda.. the Anger vs the Empathy.. The Love vs the Anger..

I wish I could be of some help to you.. however little.

The contrast between caring too much.. And the need to survive that too-much-caring..

You relate to what I am saying? (It’s okay if you don’t)

If you do relate, let me know. Let me help you best I can.

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear M:

Yes, I had a similar experience in that I had a complicated mother (who produced a complicated daughter 😔). Much of my life was Too much (and too little).

How long ago was your diagnosis.. How is your health now?

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

“So, she pushed the button in me by saying: ‘well we are not the center of the world, there are still ALIVE relatives.'”-

What if you answered her (in your mind, at the least): I AM ALIVE and I AM IN THE CENTER of this one world: MY OWN LIFE!

Neither you nor grandmother or any other living or dead relative deserve to be the center of my personal world!

It’s MINE, not YOURS!

I typed the above feeling angry. I mean, how dare she!

How does it feel to you, Milda.. my anger right above?

“I’m so very lost and scared. It’s devastating. 😔”- this is pain that was inflicted on you, wouldn’t be if you had parents who had mercy on you. Your pain is heartbreaking.

And it’s similar to the pain I carried with me most of my life.

You deserve healing, Milda. you deserve reclaiming center stage in your own life!

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

“their one sentence gets me into guilt and old behavior…”- it took me 10+ years of no contact with my mother, more than 10 years of not hearing her voice irl.. to actually stop hearing her voice. More than a decade.

Her voice, shaming, guilt-tripping, so powerful in my psych.. a dominating, domineering voice. A cruel voice.

“their words hit me like a bullet”- I relate. Like a bullet.

I’ll write more in the morning.

Anita

Dear me:

You are making sense. You were clear in your first post here, Sept 20, which you ended with: “just wanted to post about it.”, and a week later (right above): “I… decided to post this connection here because it’s been a while since I posted.”

Like a person reading what seemed like the beginning of a romantic story, I got a bit invested in it, wanting there to be more, thinking it could make you happy.

Thank you, me, for being logical, realistic and strong!

I am looking forward to reading from you in a new thread. I will miss you!

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear me:

I think it doesn’t matter what this guy and that guy says about you and the Taiwanese woman. What matters is what you tell her and what she tells you in return- privately, just between you and her.

Tell her- privately- how you feel. Wait for her response.

I know it’s stressful, but IF you can handle this kind of distress, the unknowing, the anticipation- it’d be worth it.

Be honest and direct with her. What do you have to lose?

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear MissLDutchess:

Indeed, adult life can feel lonely, childhood too. I know loneliness all too well.

It’s courageous of you to put yourself out there in new ways.

I hope that you soon feel like you do belong somewhere!

🙂 Anita