Dear Shandrea:

Congratulations for starting a new thread. The quotes below include the new thread.

“Anita I am really doing my best“- I know, and for that, you are amazing!

“I don’t ask anyone for anything… I am here for support I don’t think I received much growing up but now that I’m a parent I know It’s ok to ask for help“- doing your best includes asking for help and support when you need it.

“It is hard for me to communicate with my relatives, they don’t understand me…  Can I come here and share my challenges with you until I find a job that works for me and my kid“- of course you can come here and share your challenged: anytime!

“I been applying for work from home jobs it’s either I’m not qualified or I don’t have the equipment. I am here for support“- I read Helcat’s valuable reply on your new thread and I believe that I wouldn’t be able to do a go-fund-me, to study online for a job, or to work from home using a computer because of my technical/ computer illiteracy (beyond the very simple use here), and resistance to try to learn because of my lifelong learning disabilities/ ADD. I don’t think that I am able to learn to use the computer in elaborate ways.

I don’t even know what equipment means in “it’s either I’m not qualified or I don’t have the equipment“. I can hardly use my phone to make calls (I am not kidding, sometimes I can’t). And so, I am not able to advise you on anything technical/ computer-related.

* My learning disabilities are the reason why every so often, the meaning of a word I read and used hundreds of times eludes me, it becomes vague, meaningless, and so, I have to google it. You shared before that you google everything: I wonder why you do..?

I am not replying in your new thread because I am hoping that you will communicate there with Helcat, and maybe with others, regarding technical/ computer things that I don’t understand.

anita

Dear Willian Shen:

Welcome back to the forums! I will reply further Fri morning (it is Thurs night here).

anita

Dear birds of a feather:

You shared that this very busy distant friend, formerly a close friend, still lives in  the same city as you, but is no longer in the same workplace or social circle as you. Lately, you’ve been reaching out to him but he doesn’t reach out to you. When the two of you communicate by text messages, it “stays at superficial level“, and he doesn’t seem to be curious about your life, no longer wanting you to talk about how you are doing. He wanted to meet with you and catch up in 2-3 months, but most recently, he said that “he would take down the catchup and will just follow up in two months“.

“I know it all sounds good and polite but I wanted my friend back – the friend who would say more than that and talk to me… Maybe our attachment styles are not matching?…I am not getting why he couldn’t find time to connect through a call or a catchup even..  It would be great to become friends again down the road though – is that possible?“-

– you chose birds of a feather as your screen name. Online definition: “people who have similar interests, ideas, or characteristics tend to seek out or associate with one another”. I am thinking that unless you too have a history of being a close friend and then voiding the friendship without an explanation, then the two of you are not birds of a feather.

You chose Attachment as the title of your thread: clearly you are emotionally attached to him, and I am sorry to say, seems like he is not attached to you to any significant extent. Therefore you’ve been feeling hurt, understandably. Maybe your attachment style is the anxious type and his is the avoidant or ambivalent type.

I am wondering, when you say that you were close friends, do you mean that he shared with you private details about his life, his innermost thoughts and feelings? Also, was there any conflict between the two of you before him distancing from you?

anita

Dear birds of a feather: I will reply in a few hours.

anita

You are welcome, Adrianne and thank you!

anita

Dear Adrianne:

We all make mistakes e v e r y   d a y, with different levels of awareness. It takes courage to admit when we make a mistake, correct it if possible and make a mental note to not do/ say this or that in the future, in similar circumstances. No benefit in beating oneself up after you correct and/ or learn from the experience.

anita

Dear Bhavana:

You are most welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation: it is kind of you to do so. And please do post again when you feel hopeless, and when you feel hopeful. Let us all focus on hope, whenever, wherever it is.

anita

Dear Adrianne:

The way I reply to your recent post (and previous post or posts) is to read one sentence and respond before reading the next sentence.

“I will start by saying I did tell her I was bisexual and had experience with girls in the past. I told her about one girl I used to date“- when you told her this, she probably started thinking (you know how quickly we humans think, some more than others, thought move so quickly through our brains.. so many of them) thoughts like: hmm, I wonder if she finds me attractive, I wonder if she will come on to me, I wonder how it’d feel to be with her, why am I looking at her body as if I am a lesbian, I am not! Or am I, just a bit, etc., and thoughts involve images and imaginations, as you know.

“Now I feel horrified that I actually might have done something to make her feel like I was hitting on her“- it is probably probable (lol) that you too had thoughts about her, I wonder if she could think of me as  attractive, and/ or I wonder how it’d feel to be with her, etc. It’s to easy to think, and it just happens that we think. We are not guilty for thinking this or that. Neither are we guilty for feeling this or that. It’s the nature of our brains.

Sometimes what we think and feel expresses itself in our facial expressions, tone of voice, a word here and there..  before we realize it.

“She did behave in.. girly, flirty manner. I think it’s just her way of being – I did see it couple of times when were in the office. But she did behave like that in my presence only“- reads like she was curious and part of her was trying to attract you and have a thing with you.

“She did invite me to a trip… she did talk about the trip many many times. With sleepover and with other friend, but later just two of us“- she was pursuing either an Experience with you, or a Relationship.

“There was one time I said okay we can go, but we never did. Later I proposed that we can go on a trip the three of us: me, my boyfriend and her, or some of her friend/sister or whatever, but she said no. She said she didn’t want to be a burden or interrupt my time with my boyfriend… Later she came back to the idea of trip only for us two“- she was pursuing you for a romantic/ sexual experience and/ or for a possible full-fledged relationship.

“To provide some more content for you Anita: at the beginning when we first met we did not talk that much… One time she told me: (paraphrased) I need to find a boyfriend to stop bothering you in the evenings/I feel like we talk a lot these days, more than we used to/ I will keep looking for a boyfriend to leave you alone“- people come up with categories of people, heterosexual and homosexual are two such categories, but most people fit in different places along a continuum of each defined category, open somewhat to new experiences (once thoughts and images alert a person to new possibilities).

Reads like she felt emotionally close to you. The brain does not have separate areas for closeness with a woman vs  closeness with a man. There is a mix.

“She was clearly bragging that she had a boyfriend and showed me photos for me to see him, see how he looks like, that he is handsome etc. But I don’t think the purpose was that she wanted me to be attracted to him and think ‘wow that’s a handsome man’. Or was it?“- I don’t think so. I think that following unsuccessfully pursuing you for a long time, she felt rejected and angrily, wanted to show you that someone (handsome) finds her attractive even though you didn’t.

“I think she felt like a burden because there were times she was too much. And she told us that some people in the past used to tell her that she was too much. And sometimes she was. She used to text us long messages…“- she was needy, needy of emotional closeness.

“She wrote me several letters. First time that we were in the office she gave me gift – lots of stuff, she spend so much money on this and she attached a letter to it. It was nice but a bit .. well, too much“- she was pursuing you.

“Maybe I did something to make her feel that way. Maybe it was the dynamic between us that she was this girly, cutesy one and I am not a girly one, I am more.. gender neutral when it comes to clothes or behaving… She used to joke about pink color, painting her nails, glitter etc. I think she was trying to be cute very often“- she was trying to attract you.

“She did send me her photos too. I never commented on them since I did not know the point of sending them. There were photos of her in the car or before the work meetings, she was dressed up etc.“- I bet she felt rejected when you didn’t comment on the photos she sent you.

“She sent me valentine cards too… She sent LOTS of hearts. Lots of emotional letters, descriptions, confessions about how she likes me and values me“- I rest my case: she was pursuing you! 

“Thank you Anita. I will learn (from) my mistakes. Now I know I don’t have to match someone’s affection or return the affection only because someone craves it. Especially when I am not interested in ‘that way’ and when I am in a relationship. Seems to me like I did something to make her feel like I was hitting on her. But I guess I will never know. It’s sad that it had to end but I think it really had to.“- you are welcome. Reads like indeed she craved your affection and that her craving did not know romantic/ sexual orientation boundaries, at least not when it came to you. She pursued you and you rejected her.

From psychology today/ navigating the pathway of romantic rejection: “the experience of romantic rejection is complex and variable impacting mood, behavior, and cognitions… (rejection) can trigger anger…  Lastly, over time rejection… can lead to severe depression and despair”-

– I don’t think she’s suffering from depression as a result of you rejecting her romantically, but I think that the rejection is the reason behind her changed mood, behavior and cognition that you described earlier (not texting you back, not joining group chats, etc.)

anita