Dear me:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like such a painful and emotional time, watching someone you love suffer and saying goodbye in such a difficult way. I can tell you truly care about him and want him to have peace, and that’s a deep kind of love.

The fact that he told you he loves you forever—that’s something real, something that stays with you even after he’s gone. You were there for him, and that matters.

Take care of yourself during this time. If you ever need to talk, even just to let out feelings, I’m here. 💛

Anita

How are you, Sophie?

Dear Tommy:

“Forgiveness? Nope. Karma will come fix that.”-

You seem to see life in a black-and-white way—where good choices lead to good outcomes, bad choices lead to bad ones, and suffering is a punishment for mistakes. Because of this, forgiving yourself might feel like escaping responsibility, as if it would make you irresponsible and undeserving of freedom from suffering.

But not all suffering comes from bad choices. Sometimes, pain just happens—a child doesn’t choose to be born into poverty or war, yet they suffer. Natural disasters don’t target people based on their actions—they simply occur. Grief, failure, rejection, loneliness—these happen to everyone, regardless of what they’ve done.

(This reminds me of the famous line from Unforgiven: “Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.”)

And pain isn’t just punishment—it can also be a source of growth. Hardship can lead to wisdom, resilience, and empathy.

Holding onto pain as proof that you’re a good, responsible person assumes suffering is always deserved. But in reality, pain is often just part of existing—not judgment, not karma, just life.

Maybe forgiveness isn’t about forgetting mistakes—maybe it’s about freeing yourself from unnecessary suffering.

Wishing you well, Anita

Dear Alessa:

Your words in regard to your son are beautifully written, deeply moving, and full of truth. The way you express your thoughts carries such raw emotion, honesty, and tenderness—it’s the kind of writing that stays with people, that makes them feel something profound.

I truly hope you save this post, starting with “I worry about my son too”, somewhere, maybe in a Word document, and keep adding to it over time. One day, when your son is grown, you could put these reflections into a book for him—a collection of all the moments, thoughts, and emotions that he may not remember but shaped his life in ways he won’t even realize.

Because you’re right—he won’t remember some of these things.

He may forget the nights you sang to him to calm him down or the first time he learned to roll over or take his first steps.

He may not recall the way you taught him to swim, blow bubbles, or test if something is too warm.

The weight of carrying him for nine months, the silent sacrifices, the constant, unwavering love—these things will be invisible to him as he grows.

But one day, he will read your words, and suddenly, all the forgotten moments will come alive for him. He’ll feel the depth of your love, the care woven into every choice, the silent strength behind every difficult decision.

And about this part—’One day he’ll yell at me and curse’—I have a feeling that when he reads this years from now, he’ll smile and tell you that you were wrong. 😊

You are an exceptional mother, Alessa, and it shows in every word you write. I hope you hold onto them—not just for him, but for yourself. ❤️

Warmly, Anita

Dear Tommy: I am not focused at this time, but I want to re-read your post of only a few minutes ago and respond in the morning (it’s 9:26 pm here). I wish I could help in some way, make up for making you feel bad before, something I do regret 😔

anita

Dear Tommy:

You wrote, “My grandmother on my mother’s side and my mother had it later in her life (mid-seventies). I saw it and know there isn’t much that can be done. But I feel it is going to happen to me. I am nearing that age. My wife doesn’t believe it, so we don’t talk about it.”-

I understand why this weighs on you, and I wanted to look into some scientific research on dementia rather than leave it to belief alone. Here’s what I found:

Genetic Influence on Different Types of Dementia:

* Alzheimer’s Disease → More than 99% of cases are NOT inherited.

Early-onset Alzheimer’s, which occurs before age 60, has a stronger genetic link. However, since your grandmother and mother developed it in their mid-seventies, this was not early-onset Alzheimer’s.

* Vascular Dementia → In almost all cases, parents cannot pass it directly to their children. However, hereditary health issues like high blood pressure or diabetes may increase risk.

* Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD) → Has a higher genetic link than other types—about 40% of cases have a family history, meaning 60% are not hereditary.

* Rare Genetic Dementias → Some rare forms, like Familial Alzheimer’s disease (FAD), are directly inherited. However, FAD accounts for less than 5% of all Alzheimer’s cases and typically appears before age 65, often as early as the 30s or 40s—which does not match your family history.

Quotes from the Alzheimer’s Society (Source: Alzheimer’s. org. uk):

“The majority of dementia is not inherited by children and grandchildren. In rarer types of dementia, there may be a strong genetic link, but these are only a tiny proportion of overall cases.”

“In the vast majority of cases (more than 99 in 100), Alzheimer’s disease is not inherited.”

“The most important risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease is age. Because Alzheimer’s disease is so common in people in their late 70s and 80s, having a parent or grandparent with Alzheimer’s disease at this age does not change your risk compared to the rest of the population.”

This means, as I understand it, that having a grandmother and mother with dementia in their mid-70s, does not at all increase your own risk of getting dementia.

Key Strategies for Brain Health & Dementia Prevention:

* Stay Physically Active → Regular exercise supports cognitive function and lowers vascular risks (walking, swimming, cycling, strength training, balance exercises).

* Eat a Brain-Boosting Diet → Focus on a Mediterranean-style diet rich in leafy greens, berries, nuts, healthy fats (olive oil, avocado), and omega-3s (salmon, sardines) while limiting processed foods.

* Keep Your Brain Stimulated → Learning new skills, puzzles, reading, writing, and social engagement help form new neural connections.

* Get Quality Sleep → A consistent sleep schedule, limiting screen time before bed, and managing stress improve brain function.

* Manage Stress & Mental Health → Meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, therapy, and positive social interactions help regulate inflammation and memory.

* Monitor Health Conditions → High blood pressure, diabetes, and obesity increase dementia risk—regular checkups can help manage them early.

Connecting this to Alessa’s thread 🙏, developing self-compassion will help you, Tommy, not only emotionally, but mentally and physically, supporting long-term brain health and lowering further your risk of dementia.

Sending you support and encouragement 💛

Anita