Dear Substantial:

I see a lot of similarities between your relationship with your mother and my own experiences with mine. As I reread your posts this morning, one particular pattern stood out to me: the guilt that comes with trying to assert independence from a controlling mother.

I noticed this guilt in your February 21 post about breaking up with your girlfriend, where you wrote: “I will hold myself accountable for the hurt I caused her by breaking up, making me feel guilty… I will blame myself for… giving her hopes for a future together, and then taking it all away. I will feel really guilty for breaking her heart and causing her all the pain.”

While I understand your girlfriend is a different person from your mother, I see this guilt as being tied to something bigger—your feelings about “breaking away” from your mother. Do you think the guilt you feel about asserting independence from your mother has extended into other areas of your life, such as your guilt over breaking up with your girlfriend?

You asked me if I’ve found ways to navigate this dynamic or heal from it. For me, the guilt of separating myself from my mother has been overwhelming. It’s caused me decades of emotional pain. For years, I felt trapped in what I can only describe as a mental prison of guilt.

My mother was generally a weak and submissive person. I wanted to be strong for her, to help her become stronger, and I tried my best to do so. Hurting her feelings was the last thing I wanted. But over time, I realized something important: she did become “strong” in her relationship with me—but it came at my expense. She became strong by making me weak.

When she guilt-tripped me repeatedly, telling me that even small acts of asserting independence were hurtful to her, it left a deep emotional scar. Her words made me feel as though wanting to live my own life or make my own choices was selfish and wrong. Over time, this guilt wore me down because it attacked my core desire to be a good daughter and a good person.

When I read your descriptions of your mother, I see similarities. You mentioned how she’s been weak in her relationship with your father: “I have seen my mother cry a countless number of times and always felt helpless.” You also shared how you tried to make her stronger by encouraging her to leave or live separately for her own peace, but she never did. You wrote: “I have tried to convince my mom several times to consider divorce or just living separately for some peace, but she never did, afraid of what society might think.”

It seems that while your mother feels powerless in her relationship with your father and society, she expresses “strength” in her relationship with you, often in a controlling or manipulative way. You described how she handles your boundaries: “She can’t take my NO for an answer and would passively force me into things… She creates drama and breaks out emotionally as if I insulted or hurt her by saying things like, ‘Of course, you are never there for your mother.’… All my ‘no’s’ turn into a horrid situation where she starts telling me I don’t love or value her.”

This dynamic is unfortunately common. A parent who feels powerless in other adult relationships may assert control over a child because it’s easier. It’s harmful because it exploits the child’s natural love and trust, creating a cycle of guilt, confusion, and emotional dependency. If you’re interested, there’s research on this dynamic, and I’d be happy to discuss it further with you.

To answer your earlier question—if I’ve found ways to deal with the guilt or conflict—I’ll be honest: I wasn’t able to maintain a relationship with my mother without it being at my expense. No matter how hard I tried to create a healthier dynamic, it didn’t work. For me, and I’m not suggesting this is what you should do, I eventually ended all contact with her later in life. It was extremely difficult, and I carried guilt about it for years. Looking back, I wish I’d done it earlier and had more support in making that decision because society, especially in traditional contexts, often frowns on cutting ties with a parent.

That said, here’s my advice for you at this point:

* Recognize That Guilt Isn’t Always Valid: Wanting to make your own choices doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad son.

* Set Boundaries in Small Steps: Start with small “no’s” and calmly explain your reasons. Be consistent. While your mother might react emotionally at first, over time, she might adjust to the idea that you’re standing firm.

* Find Support Outside the Family: Lean on friends, mentors, or a therapist who can help you process your feelings and provide guidance.

* Create Independence Where You Can: If moving out isn’t an option, focus on building emotional and physical independence while living at home. Pursue hobbies, relationships, or goals that are meaningful to you.

* Redefine What It Means to Be a Good Son: Being a good son doesn’t mean sacrificing your happiness or always saying yes. It means living authentically and treating yourself and others with respect.

* Consider Therapy for Deeper Healing: Therapy can help you work through the guilt and anxiety, navigate your relationship with your mother, and build confidence in setting boundaries.

* Understand Her Behavior Isn’t About You: Your mother’s actions likely reflect her own unresolved issues, not something you’ve done wrong. Understanding this might help you separate her emotions from your own.

This process takes time, so be patient with yourself. You deserve to make decisions that are right for you and to live a fulfilling, independent life. It doesn’t mean you love or respect your mother any less—it just means you’re taking care of yourself too.

You’ve already shown so much strength in dealing with these challenges. I hope you find a way forward that brings you peace. You’re not alone in this.

anita

Dear Arie: I will read and reply tomorrow morning.
Anita

Dear Zenith:

I’m so glad to read that you’ve made progress since 2023 with your therapist’s support. Moving out of survival mode and into a better place— despite some lingering challenges— is a truly meaningful step forward. You’ve been through so much, and it takes incredible strength and resilience to continue working on your well-being.

I understand how overwhelming it can feel when IBS seems to take over your life, especially during flare-ups that add to the emotional toll. It’s inspiring that you’re cooking at home and managing a mostly low-FODMAP diet, even while balancing your love for garlic and onions in your Indian curries. That’s no small feat, and it shows your commitment to your health and your passion for cooking.

As for my IBS journey, the first significant improvement came around 14 years ago when I visited a gastroenterologist— a doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating digestive system disorders. He suggested I take probiotics, and I noticed an almost immediate improvement in bloating.

A longer-term improvement came when I stopped using laxatives altogether. Over time, the muscles in my intestines, which had been weakened from chronic laxative use (often called “lazy colon”), slowly regained some of their strength.

I also found progress by bringing more balance to my diet. For example, I used to overconsume certain foods like cauliflower and cabbage, believing they’d help my digestion. While cabbage contains insoluble fiber that can aid digestion, too much of it caused more harm than good, leading to diarrhea or even digestive blockages. I learned that moderation is key, even with healthy foods like red or purple cabbage.

Also, I became aware of how easily I would get alarmed by even normal sensations in my intestines. With time, I learned to stay calm and avoid misinterpreting these sensations as harmful.

This reaction— becoming scared or distressed by gut sensations— is often connected to interoceptive fear or gastrointestinal-specific anxiety. Interoceptive fear involves being hyper-aware of bodily sensations, such as a racing heart or intestinal discomfort, and interpreting them as signs of danger or illness, even when they’re normal. This fear can create a cycle where anxiety worsens gut symptoms, and the gut symptoms, in turn, heighten anxiety.

Understanding this cycle made a big difference for me. Through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), I learned to reframe my perceptions of these sensations and to respond with greater calm and acceptance, breaking the anxiety loop.

In Conclusion Thank you for inviting me to share my experiences— it means a lot to be able to connect with you on this. Please know that you’re not alone in this journey. The progress you’ve already made is such a testament to your strength, and even when setbacks happen, they don’t erase how far you’ve come. Be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges, and know that healing is a process, often with ups and downs.

Whenever you want to share more or simply talk about how you’re feeling, I’m here to listen and support you. Sending you warmth and encouragement!

anita

Dear Zenith:

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with IBS since 2015. I’ve been learning more about IBS this Friday morning, and I wanted to share some of what I’ve come across. I hope it can help in some small way.

IBS seems to result from a mix of factors, but here are two key ones:

(1) Brain-Gut Communication Issues: Your brain and gut (stomach and intestines) are constantly “talking” to each other, sharing messages like:

Gut to Brain: “I’m hungry,” “I’m full,” or “It’s bathroom time!”

Brain to Gut: “I’m stressed,” or “Something’s wrong!”

In IBS, these messages can get scrambled. Here’s an example of how they might miscommunicate:

Brain says: “I’m feeling super stressed right now—this is a big deal!”

Gut responds: “Oh no, stress signals! Should I speed up or slow down? I’m confused!” (causing cramping or discomfort).

Brain reacts: “The gut is upset, so something must really be wrong.”

Another example:

Gut says: “Just a tiny gas bubble here—nothing unusual!”

Brain overreacts: “Hmm, what if that’s not normal? It might be serious!”

Gut, worried: “Uh-oh, the brain is panicking. Better send stronger signals!” (resulting in bloating or pain).

Brain concludes: “This really hurts! Something must definitely be wrong!” (making anxiety worse and the cycle continues).

(2) Changes in Gut Bacteria or Digestive Tract Health: A healthy gut has a balance of “good” and “bad” bacteria. If this balance shifts (more “bad” bacteria or less diversity), it can lead to IBS symptoms like bloating, gas, and bathroom troubles. Sometimes, IBS starts after a gut infection (called post-infectious IBS) where the gut stays sensitive even after the infection clears.

Additionally, certain bacteria in the gut can ferment undigested food, producing gas and bloating that can be especially uncomfortable for someone with IBS.

These changes might happen due to stress, diet, antibiotics, or past infections. Some people find relief with dietary changes (like a low-FODMAP diet) or probiotics, but it’s always best to check with a healthcare provider before making changes.

Here’s a quick rundown of low-FODMAP foods, which tend to be gentler on the gut:

Fruits: Bananas, oranges, strawberries, blueberries, kiwi.

Vegetables: Carrots, cucumbers, zucchini, spinach, bell peppers.

Proteins: Chicken, turkey, eggs, fish, firm tofu.

Dairy Alternatives: Almond milk, lactose-free milk, hard cheeses like cheddar.

Grains: Rice, quinoa, oats, gluten-free bread or pasta.

Nuts/Seeds: Almonds (small amounts), peanuts, sunflower seeds, chia seeds.

These foods avoid the hard-to-digest carbs found in high-FODMAP foods, like apples, pears, onions, garlic, beans, milk, and soft cheeses. The idea is to temporarily avoid high-FODMAP foods, then slowly reintroduce them to see what works for you.

I hope this information is helpful, Zenith. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about it more. Wishing you strength and comfort in managing this— I know how tough it can be. Take care of yourself!

anita

Dear Zenith:

I’m glad you reached out—it’s always so good to hear from you! I’m doing well, thank you for asking. The improving weather lifted my spirits— I even wore shorts two days in a row, it’s that warm!

First, please don’t ever feel selfish for posting when you need support. I genuinely care about you and want to be here for you, whether you’re looking for advice, a listening ear, or just someone to share your thoughts with. Life can feel so overwhelming at times, and reaching out takes strength and courage, not selfishness.

I’m sorry to hear about the health issues you’re facing. Anxiety affecting your gut is challenging, and I can imagine how much harder it makes everything. That you’ve been dealing with this for two years speaks to your resilience, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Please give yourself the credit you deserve for managing such a tough situation.

Regarding cravings and struggles with eating before your periods— I completely understand how hard that can be, especially when your emotions are already heightened. Be gentle with yourself during this time. Maybe instead of focusing on strict control, you could try small, manageable steps, like keeping a few healthier snacks on hand that you genuinely enjoy. Even small acts of self-care can go a long way in supporting yourself with kindness and love.

It’s also wonderful to read that you’re feeling emotionally stronger overall, despite these challenges. That shows real progress and strength. When you feel discouraged, try to remind yourself of how far you’ve come— you’ve faced difficulties head-on and continue to navigate them, one step at a time.

You mentioned feeling like you’re “so easy to convince” and struggling to stand by your own opinions. But I see someone who is incredibly thoughtful and introspective— these are strengths, not weaknesses. It’s perfectly okay to seek reassurance or feel uncertain at times— we all do. Trust yourself, Zenith. You’re more than capable of making good decisions and standing firm when it matters most.

I know you’re carrying a heavy emotional load, and I’m really proud of you for how you’re handling it. But remember, you don’t have to handle it all alone. I’m here to support you, and seeking help is a true sign of strength.

Take it one day at a time— you’ve got this. Please take care of yourself, and let me know how I can help.

anita

Dear omyk:

I’ve been reflecting on what you’ve shared, both recently and over the course of the past year. I wanted to take a moment to share some thoughts, as your story has deeply resonated with me.

In your recent posts, you’ve shared: “Recently, I have something like buyer’s remorse, worried that I missed the boat… I can’t say that I was happy every day I was married. In fact, I was often unhappy… I’m tired of feeling like I’m always behind the eight ball, never caught up on everything that needs to be done.”

Having read these words alongside what you shared in your threads “Life Lesson and Accountability” (July 22–Aug 9, 2024) and “Big Step, Widower” (Oct 27, 2024), it seems to me that your life has been a testament to responsibility and devotion. You’ve poured yourself into fulfilling various roles—husband, father, provider, and minister—while striving to live up to societal and familial expectations.

Your posts consistently reflect a deep sense of accountability and a genuine desire to do what’s “right” for others. That’s such an admirable quality. But as I read, I couldn’t help but wonder if, amidst all this, you’ve had the chance to truly attend to your own deeper emotional and personal needs—the ones that exist beyond approval, beyond roles, and beyond obligations.

It seems that now you’re beginning to explore those questions. You’ve spoken about embracing simplicity, independence, and even questioning what a romantic connection might look like if it were to align with the person you’ve become. These reflections are powerful and courageous, and they point toward a man who is ready to reclaim his life as his own.

I was inspired to share a short poem with you. I hope it resonates with where you are now and speaks to the possibilities ahead:

For years, you wore the woven cloak,
Of duties sown with silent thread,
A parent, partner, provider strong,
A path by others laid ahead.

But deep within, a quiet voice,
Has whispered truths you’ve yet to know,
A need, not theirs, but wholly yours,
A seed of longing left to grow.

Breathe deeply now, unbind the weight,
Of roles assigned, of oughts and shoulds,
And walk the path that’s marked by you,
Through the uncharted fields and quiet woods.

So dare to dream, as only you,
What brings you joy, what makes you whole.

The world may call, but let it wait,
Its claims on you no longer bind,
You are the keeper of your needs,
The treasure map within your mind.

Unfold your wings, unearth your fire,
Be bold, be still, or take the stage,
This chapter is yours—no rules, no guide,
A turning leaf, a brighter page.

Whatever path you choose to walk, omyk, I hope it’s one that feels authentic and fulfilling for you. Thank you for sharing your journey—it’s inspiring to see someone reflect so deeply on life’s challenges and possibilities. Take care, and I’m here if you’d ever like to continue this conversation.

anita