Dear Bhavana:

You are welcome. I am wondering: did his Christian family know about their son’s 7-year-long relationship with you (being from a Hindu family) for a long time, and approved of it (or at least didn’t disapprove of it) because their son was too young to marry.. then disapproved of the relationship because he is of marriage-age and they want him to be available for a Christian woman?

I also wonder (and of course, you don’t have to answer this or any of my questions) if you and now ex, talked about his family’s possible disapproval of a marriage anytime during the long relationship..?

anita

Dear Shandrea:

You did inspire me, you do inspire me: your inner strength, your resilience, your dedication to your children (both), your self-respect, knowing what’s right and what’s wrong and choosing to do what’s right and.. what I just typed came quickly to me, I typed as quickly as the thought went through my mind.

And thank you for being inspired by me (I am smiling right now because of you)!

anita

You are very welcome, Adrianne, and thank you!

anita

Dear Shandrea:

Thank you for wishing me many good night sleeps!!!

Starting therapy in 2 weeks, that’s exciting: I hope that the therapist will be as good at her (or his) job as you deserve!

anita

Dear Adrianne:

“One time she told me it bothers her that we talk a lot, meaning she feels like she texts me too much and that she would prefer to spend this time with a boyfriend“- she said this before she got into a relationship. Seems like she wanted to distance herself from you while she was single. Almost as if she was angry at you and tried to hurt your feelings, as in saying (paraphrased): I prefer to spend my time with someone else (a boyfriend) than with you!

And once in a relationship, “she started texting me her photos with him like everyday, those photos were almost identical: them at the restaurant, them at the mountains…“- seems like she was trying to make a point to you: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Here he is! Here’s another photo! He is wit me, not you! (…?)

“I got a surprise package and. it turned out it was a gift from her on my birthday… I texted her to thank her etc. and I also said ‘I was very surprised that you sent me gifts considering we barely talk’ and she said ‘yeah, it somehow turned out that way‘”- seems/ feels like her trying, again, to hurt your feelings, to toy with your feelings..?

“I don’t even know if she is that busy working or just doesn’t want to talk to us. But it seems like she just doesn’t want to and doesn’t even need to say hello anymore.“- I think that her behavior is not a result of her having a boyfriend and therefore, having less time for you, but a result of some anger she built up before her relationship..?

anita

Dear Carol:

You shared that you got pregnant, next, “a small, elopement style wedding” was planned,  your wedding dress altered to accommodate the growing belly, but then, 2 weeks before the wedding, you had a miscarriage.

You have let  your aunt know of the wedding schedule, that she needs to arrive at the suite (where preparations for the wedding were to take place) at 9:30 am, but she ignored your schedule and planned to arrive 2 hours later (your daughter told you this). Next, alerted by your daughter, you called your aunt and “her reply was that of course she’ll come, and come earlier if I wanted!“. Next, after she arrived at the suite, she “seemed annoyed, she was quiet and just generally had a ‘face’ on her but never said what was wrong“.

“I’d hoped she’d sit with me, that we’d have a laugh and a joke, she’d do her makeup/hair with me and that I’d have a nice morning spending time with my family. But that never happened. At some point she’d put her makeup on and done her hair in private and each time I caught a glimpse of her she looked annoyed and was quiet.. The wedding car arrived and we set off for church. Suddenly, my aunt was lovely again, big smiles, chatty, just lovely. I was still frustrated that she’d ignored me all morning… She also generously put £500 in a wedding card and is now acting lovely, and kind which leaves me confused. I’m really Interested to know what other people would think about my auntie’s behaviour in the morning and if you’ve any suggestions about what you’d say to my aunt (or not). Thank you for reading.“-

– You are welcome. I read all your posts in previous threads, trying to get clues as to what’s been happening between you and your aunt, and what motivates her. You didn’t share about your aunt/ family in previous threads, but what I learned from the other threads is that you are honest and straightforward, quite assertive,  and very likeable (in my mind). You are clear about what you think, feel and want, telling it like it is: no efforts to hide, to misrepresent people and situations, no efforts to present yourself as better than other people, or as someone who makes no mistakes.. and a genuinely nice person.

Talking about being genuinely nice, your aunt June’s niceness seems less than genuine. For example, your daughter told you how- not nice-  June behaved when she planned to be 2-hours late to the suite. But the moment you called her, she was super nice. Seems like the appearance of nice. Same change from not-nice at the suite to => super nice on the way to the church.

Unlike you, seems to me that June is very unassertive and absolutely not straight forward. Passive-aggressive is more like it. Clearly, she didn’t want to spend quality time with you in the suite. Seems to me that she is angry at you, judgmental of you, at least sometimes, and repeatedly so.

Maybe she is jealous of your ability to be assertive (something she can’t bring herself to be), and she felt like you were bossing her around simply because you asserted yourself with her (examples: “I said don’t put it in the sink, put it in the bath“, “I said please don’t put it there“). People who are unable to assert themselves often get angry and feel that they are being bossed around and/ or taken advantage of when they are not because they can’t say No, and they will not take personal responsibility for this inability.

Maybe she didn’t like your then fiancé (now husband), maybe she disapproved of your involvement with men.. (?)

“I find my auntie difficult, we are close and she sort of acts like a mother to me but at the same time causes me a lot of stress due to alternating between kindness, criticism or indifference. I spoke to her about this after Christmas and explained that the way she doesn’t listen to me/ignores me and is just generally critical of me, leaves me upset. She said she would change“- I am guessing that she said she’d change just so to end an unpleasant conversation. Her kindness may be genuine at times, she may feel genuine affection for you and others, at times (I don’t know), but often her kindness and generosity, seems to me, is an appearance, or for appearances, particularly in public. “lovely again, big smiles, chatty, just lovely”– may very well be an act, one she’s good at.

She can’t bring herself to be like you: honest about what she thinks, feels and wants, straightforward, assertive.. so she keeps her anger inside, it never gets resolved, and it (the anger) finds its own ways to express itself: ignoring you, doing the opposite of what you want done, etc.

In regard to your question about what to say to her, or not to say to her, I will wait for you, if you will, to let me know what seems true and what does not seem true in what I wrote here.

anita

Dear Shandrea:

“I like Honesty… an honest friend with good intentions… I strongly dislike bullying of any kind and manipulation, also I don’t know what to call it when people tolerate people because they are afraid to be alone I don’t want that either“- this is who you are: a strong woman who stands for Honesty, Good Intentions, and Courage (not being afraid to be alone), and against Bullying, Manipulation, and Accepting Abuse (for fear of being alone).

“Without even noticing it I joined the forums to connect, share, and maybe in the future help and inspire“- you have been inspiring me for a long time, Shandrea!

“I’ve been living in survival mode/auto pilot for so long. Everything is so rushed and not enjoyable. What attracted me to this website was the post from real people and the challenges they over came. It gave me hope for my future“- I am glad you are here, and I hope that the survival mode changes to more of a living- enjoying mode.

“Since I’m here to connect , Did you finally get a full night of sleep?“- well, last night I did not lie awake, not for hours, not even for a moment. When I woke up, I felt that I slept enough and that it was probably 7 am or so. But it was 4 am. So, good to sleep through but woke up too early.

anita

Dear Bhavana:

This is a rough self-judgment: failing as a person. Please tell me how you’re failing as za person..?

anita