Dear n20:

“It started with… anxiety induced from school and college stress… Then in turned into full blown chronic anxiety and some depression… Then it spiraled even more into paralyzing fear of decision making… then… the intrusive thoughts sort of started“- anxiety going haywire is like a forest fire going out of control. It starts small and quickly escalates, spreading from tree to tree. Anxiety gone wild takes different forms at different times, as it spreads.

I most recently communicated through 9 pages with a person your age who suffers from intrusive thoughts. The thread is called Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts. it still appears on the first page of lists of topics (same page where your thread appears). For the purpose of not repeating myself, I am directing you there to read my many posts to the OP there. If you choose to do so, please get back to me here, on this thread, and let me know your thoughts.

anita

Dear Clara:

“I am a bit confused as to why you think the nature was not clear, is it because I said it she could contact me..?“- yes, because the way it is, you are waiting for her to contact you any day, anytime. No wonder this is so difficult for you. If you expected absolute no contact for 30 days, let’s say, you could have some peace of mind for 29 days.

As is, you expect that she may call you anytime, any day, but she expects you to not contact her for a month?

anita

Dear Clara:

I misunderstood earlier the nature of your break: I thought it was a no-contact break. I didn’t know it’s an ambiguous kind of a break.

“obviously I will have to wait for at least a month to contact“- not necessarily. You can message her, starting with what you wrote here in your most recent post, that you were emotional and did not think things through in regard to the nature of the break, and because the two of you were not clear about it, you are now confused and would like it that the two of you come up with a clear definition of this break: its objectives, length of time, date or reunion (if any..?).

You are more likely to be calmer if the exchange with her (the above suggestion) will be online vs last time when the exchange with her was in-person.

anita

Dear Clara:

When the two of you decided on taking this break, did you decide on the particular date contact will resume and who will contact whom?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome.

“I think most of the friends think this is a very cruel way to figure out a relationship”- is this what your girlfriend herself meant after you brought up the idea of taking a break, and she said it was “too extreme“?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome, it is delightful to read your journal entry!

“Last night I called my friend who learned somatic experiencing technique. She guided me a bit which helped me feel more grounded“- Somatic Experiencing, I read, also known as Somatic Therapy is a form of therapy that directs the client’s attention away from the mind (thoughts)=> down to the body where blocked emotions are held as a result of trauma (sensations), as the starting point of therapy (as opposed to traditional talk therapy).

“Proud of myself for trying hard during the challenging time“- and I am proud of you too!

“I will definitely remember to be kind and empathetic to myself and to my partner… I am not prepared for the bad things to happen (she breaks up with me/ she lied to me), then I would have not been prepared for this. It’s so hard to find the balance, to be positive yet expects the worst“- balance it with Somatic Experiencing: remove your attention from your thinking and overthinking and place your attention in your body: notice your breathing: is it constricted, shallow? Take slower, deeper breaths.

“This morning I went volunteer… Today I also did some shopping..  Will post again, have a good morning on your side“- excellent job, Clara, I am impressed, and thank you: it is a sunny morning here! I am looking forward to your next post/ journal entry.

anita

Dear Harry:

This is what you shared about your relationship with the Australian woman (I’ll refer to her as Au): you met Au on a trip to Prague in Jan 2024. On the first night you met her, she stayed the night with you, until the afternoon of the day after. The following night,  she stayed with you for a 2nd night. Next, you flew home to London (or the vicinity), and Au flew to Switzerland. Next, you flew to Switzerland and stayed with Au again. Next, you flew back to London while Au stayed in Switzerland and asked her employer if she can work from London. They agreed that she can for 2 months, and you happily (“I’m so happy… This feels like a fairy tale“) waited for Au to join you in London for 2 months, following which, the plan was that she’ll fly back to Sydney, Australia, and following a few months, you’ll join her there.

While waiting for Au, you found yourself attracted to woman from work (I’ll refer to her as W) and flirted with her for a while. Three weeks before Au was scheduled to join you in London, you had sex with W. Two days later, you told Au about it. Au was devastated yet she still joined you in London later, and “it’s been perfect, like it was before except for her getting down every now and then about what I did“.

About 3 weeks into her current stay with you, last weekend- you realized that you hadn’t told Au “the full truth” about what happened with W, and so,  you told her the .. full truth.

Au’s reaction: “She cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me, but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me and we sleep. She also says that she doesn’t know what she wants and it could change, but for now she wants it to go back to normal… she essentially said… she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal… She even admitted yesterday she was expecting to leave London in a relationship with me until I told her again last weekend“.

My input today: after 3 weeks of her current stay with you, you felt very guilty (again) about not having told Au “the full truth” about the sexual encounter or encounters with W. And so, to find relief from your guilt, you told her the full truth (“Last weekend I realise I hadn’t told her the full truth and felt intense guilt again and told her“). You were focused on your intense guilt and wanted a fast relief from the distress of intense guilt. You wanted to feel better yourself, so you elaborated on what you already told her about 6 weeks earlier, which has devastated her back then and since. In other words, you added devastation to her devastation so to feel better (and perhaps to sabotage the relationship as well).

Her response: she was clearly devastated, feeling abnormally anxious and unsettled. Kowing only you in London, having no one else to comfort her, she wanted to feel normal again, so she had no choice- that she could think about- then to be comforted by the same person who hurt her (“She cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me, but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me… for now she wants it to go back to normal… she essentially said… she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal“).

You ended your 2ndpost with: “The important thing for me to do now is try to forgive myself, so that we can both move on. I accept any decision she might make as I’m the one who messed up, but it’s just going to be a matter of waiting and time.”

The partial story about your flirtation and sex with W has hurt Au, and devastated her ever since you first told her about it. Do you see how self-centered it was of you to elaborate on the partial story and give her the full story?

I am asking because if you relieve yourself from guilt in this way, you’d keep hurting Au/ others. I understand that you weren’t thinking thoroughly before you confessed further to her, but now that you do.. what do you think?

anita

Dear Clara:

I am sorry that your mother suffers from dementia, and that you suffer too.

“she laughed and realized she didn’t notice me“- I wonder if she laughed because she was trying to make light of it, so that you will not be upset, or perhaps she was embarrassed (?)

Interesting, the title of your thread is “Taking a break“- in regard to the break from your girlfriend. Your mother had a break from registering that you were there at the dinner table (twice), and then you “had another break down” at the hotel.

We experience breaks from people while being physically close to them, like your mother not recognizing you while you were there at the dinner table with her, and you and your girlfriend experienced breaks in the relationship while still living together, before the current physical break.

It is important to be connected and remain connected to people we care about, as much as possible. What had caused me to have breaks with people, has been my judgmental, quick to anger attitude and tendency. This is why I practice what I suggested for you to do in my previous post: shift from judgment to empathy.

It’s late at night where you’re at. I hope that you are sleeping or are about to sleep restfully following crying like a baby. If not, and otherwise, please feel free to post anytime, to use your thread as a journal and a place to communicate with us here.

anita