Dear Peter:

I’m sorry to read you’re not feeling well today. Take your time with your responses— no rush.

My relationship to the word Love has been one of suspicion and distrust. I have had great difficulty saying the word in the language I grew up with ever since I remember myself. So much so, that I hardly ever said it, and when I did, it felt acutely uncomfortable each and every time (with one exception, if I remember correctly, and that was that one time when I happened to ingest some heavy-duty narcotic many years ago).

Actually, I have the same difficulty saying it in English as well- to people from my country of origin.

I remember my mother expressing affection toward me at times. I remember in my 20s riding in a taxy with her on the way to the airport where I was to fly to the U.S. while she stayed behind. She took my hand in hers and caressed my hand. This was one of the most acutely uncomfortable experiences in my life, and very memorable. I was crawling out of my skin the whole time, trying to remove myself from her touch. I didn’t want to be rude, so I remained unmoved, but my insides were moving away from her big time.

I always wanted to be away from her, ever since I remember myself.

I associated Love (the word and the concept) with her, and so, Love and Hurt were one and the same, deeply intertwined and indistinguishable. Love was given this definition by the one abusing me: “To Love you is to Hurt You”. Later in my life, when as an adult, I truly loved a child I happened to spend a lot time with, I was afraid to hurt him. Love and Hurt deeply intertwined in my mind.

Love without hurt is like the bbbamm cake, a cake that doesn’t exist. Didn’t exist.

I became detached emotionally as a defense mechanism, creating distance between me and others so to protect myself against Hurt-Love. I approached people and relationships with caution, alert to real, and often only imagined signs of manipulation and dishonesty.

The other day, a person I know expressed appreciation and affection for me (not physically). It was precious on one hand, uniquely felt, but on the other hand, I anxiously wondered when that appreciation and affection will turn into condemnation and hate.

My relationship to the word Love was the same as my relationship to the word Hate: stay away from it! Don’t trust it and don’t give in to feeling it for another because it will harm them!

Take care and rest up, Peter. Looking forward to continuing our conversation when you’re feeling better.

anita

* Please ignore the last line, Dafne

Dear Dafne:

Thank you for your kind words. I’m grateful that I can provide support and empathy in these challenging times. Your resilience and honesty are truly inspiring.

It’s completely understandable that you feel overwhelmed with so many emotions and memories coming to the surface. Acknowledging the need for change to prevent a repeat of the darkness is a crucial step towards healing.

Your fear of living alone and the guilt associated with moving out are valid concerns. While your family’s statements are alarming, it’s essential to remember that many women live independently and successfully manage their safety. It might be helpful to explore safety measures and support networks that can provide you with reassurance.

The first two words of the title of this thread are: “Understanding someone”: the “someone” in the title is a different man in relationship with a different woman at a different time. This morning I want to Understand-the-someone we’ve been discussing, so I reread and studied all that you shared about him and the relationship with you:

He (in his mid 50s) lacks stable employment and his descriptions of his work and future plans are vague and inconsistent. He avoids providing concrete details and reacts negatively to inquiries about his work and family. His actions are inconsistent, such as making plans without following through and showing interest in properties he cannot afford. He is also reluctant to take on work that he finds stressful.

His behavior seems to be dishonestly manipulative in these ways:

(1) He talks about a big project in Asia that has been ongoing for four years without any progress, asking you to be patient and wait for its success. This and other behaviors on his part keep you emotionally invested in the possibility of a future together while there is no substance to such investment in real life.

(2) He avoids giving clear and concrete answers about his job, his family, and his background. This evasiveness creates uncertainty and keeps you guessing and doubting your own perceptions.

(3) He hints that if you cannot wait for his project to succeed, you should find a wealthy man. This manipulates your emotions by making you feel guilty for seeking stability and security.

(4) When questioned about his plans and future, he suggests taking a break until his project works out or seeing each other less often. This manipulative tactic makes you feel responsible for maintaining the relationship.

(5) He sends mixed signals, such as showing you apartments he cannot afford and planning trips without proper preparation. This inconsistency keeps you off balance and uncertain about his true intentions.

(6) He refuses to send you an official letter related to his project, claiming it is confidential. This lack of transparency keeps you in a state of doubt.

(7) He refuses to send you an official letter related to his project, claiming it is confidential. This lack of transparency further keeps you in a state of doubt.

(8) “He repeats himself all over again… it could indicate that he is making things up?”- by sticking to the same script, he minimizes the risk of revealing contradictions that can expose his manipulations This tactic keeps you from probing deeper into his claims, as you are presented with the same responses each time you ask for details. The idea behind this manipulative tactic is that as you repeatedly hear the same vague answers, you start to second-guess oneself.

Elaborating on the above: by showing you apartments and houses that he can’t afford, he creates false hope about a future together. This leads you to believe that he is serious about building a life with you. His behavior confuses you because it seems like he is planning for a future together, yet his actions don’t align with his financial reality. Showing you properties he can’t afford is a manipulation tactic to keep you emotionally invested in the relationship. It makes you think that he is making an effort, even though there is no realistic basis for these plans.

Planning trips without proper preparation and then backing out last minute shows inconsistency highlights his lack of responsibility and planning skills. These unprepared plans can lead to emotional highs and lows for you: feeling excited about the prospect of a trip, only to be let down when it doesn’t happen. This emotional rollercoaster keeps you off balance.

The mixed signals create emotional instability for you as you are left wondering about his true feelings and intentions, which causes you stress and anxiety, making it difficult for you to make informed decisions in regard to him.

You are caught between the hope he creates and the reality of his behavior, leading to indecision.

By keeping you off balance, he maintains a level of control over you as your uncertainty makes it difficult for you to make decisions that prioritize your well-being.

The man’s mixed signals and inconsistent behavior are manipulative tactics that keep you emotionally invested and uncertain about the relationship. This instability leaves you in a state of confusion and emotional turmoil.

The emotional consequences of his dishonest and manipulative behaviors, in your words: “I’m quite a wreck right now”, “I’m confused…”, “From that moment I felt even more heartbroken and helpless”, “I blamed myself for asking him too many questions”, “I felt that… it was my fault making him this way”.

You are a caring and empathetic person, Dafne, and inclined to feel guilty- and he knows it. He has been taking advantage of your caring nature and strong inclination to feel guilty by positioning himself as a victim of past experiences and current circumstances.
When you question his plans or expresses concerns, he deflects accountability by blaming external factors or his past experiences. This tactic manipulates your compassion, making you feel guilty for holding him accountable.

He guilt-trips you by- for example- hinting that if you cannot be patient, you should find a wealthy man. This manipulation makes you feel guilty for seeking stability and more likely to comply with his demands. He has been abusing your compassion and empathy so much so that you are emotionally exhausted.

You asked in your recent post: “Maybe I can meet him and say those great words you crafted? Or just tell him to remain friends now and meet from time to time until his situation improves? Or do not meet at all until he shows me that he is ready? So many options here…”-

– I understand how difficult this situation has been for you, and I want to offer my heartfelt support. Your well-being is the most important thing, and it’s crucial to protect yourself from any further emotional harm.

Based on everything you’ve shared, I believe it would be best not to meet him at all and to terminate the relationship altogether. His dishonest and manipulative behavior is harmful, and you deserve to be in a relationship built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect.

Here’s a message you could use to communicate your decision: “Hi (his name),

After much reflection, I decided that it is best for us to end our relationship. I need to prioritize my well-being and emotional health, and I believe this is the right step for me.

I wish you all the best”

It’s important to set this boundary clearly and firmly to protect yourself from further manipulation. Remember, you deserve a relationship that brings you joy and support, not one that causes stress and uncertainty.

I’m here for you, and I believe in your strength to make the best decision for your well-being. Please take care of yourself and know that you have my full support. Take care and looking forward to reading from you soon.

anita

Dear Peter: I wanted to add that I remember that you shared that you stay away from the computer on weekends. Therefore, I do not expect you to read and reply to me this Sat or Sun. I hope that you are having a restful weekend!

anita

Dear Dafne:

“And I’m sorry for a long-winded message. I just felt like expressing to you the whole story without being one sided”- Your message wasn’t too long for me! As I mentioned in my previous rushed message, I simply forgot to return to you. When I realized earlier this morning that I had forgotten, I was quite disturbed because I hate not following up on my word, especially to a person in distress who needs dependable support.

Thank you, Dafne, for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings so openly. I truly appreciate your trust in me and your ongoing honesty throughout this thread.

You have a remarkable ability to see patterns and reflect on your experiences, which is a significant step toward healing and growth. Your awareness of the fear and walls you’ve built around yourself shows your deep desire for meaningful connections while protecting your heart.

“I feel that I should not trust people easily”- this suggests that you are aware of a tendency to trust people too quickly and you are cautioning yourself against it. This awareness indicates that you recognize this pattern and want to change it.

It’s possible that your tendency to trust people easily, especially men you meet, stems from a sense of desperation for connection. A strong emotional need for connection and affection can lead to trusting others too quickly, as the desire to fulfill this need can cloud judgment.

Previous experiences of feeling unsupported or unloved can drive a person to seek validation and trust others quickly, hoping to find the support and love they missed.

Let’s look at your previous experiences of feeling unsupported and unloved: “My mother… is very bossy at times and knows my soft spots. She reminds me a lot of her brother who used to abuse me emotionally when I was a child… She told me to be quiet and always hide in my room so he can’t hear me. I wasn’t even allowed to open the fridge and had to ask for permission to watch a cartoon… I remember that she kept saying for years that we will leave and that she had enough. But somehow never did… I begged her to not sign but they left me alone locked up in a car so I could not go there and talk”-

-Your mother used her knowledge of your vulnerabilities to control you. This controlling nature parallels the emotional abuse you experienced from your uncle. By instructing you to remain silent and hide, she reinforced a sense of powerlessness and isolation in you.

In addition, she repeatedly made promises to leave the abusive environment but never followed through, causing a sense of betrayal. When you expressed a desire to leave, she resorted to manipulative tactics, such as threatening self-harm and using the dog as an emotional leverage. This emotional manipulation makes you feel trapped and guilty for wanting to prioritize your well-being.

Her actions suggest a focus on her own desires without considering the emotional impact on her daughter. Using threats of self-harm and leveraging the love for the dog to keep you from leaving are cruel manipulative tactics because they exploit your compassion and guilt to control you.

Your mother’s and uncle’s behaviors taught you that people who are supposed to care for you could also cause you harm- which understandably creates fear and hesitation in forming new relationships, as she anticipates similar dynamics.

The emotional neglect and manipulation from your mother have left you feeling vulnerable and uncertain about your ability to trust your own judgment. This makes you more susceptible to trusting others too quickly in a desperate attempt to find genuine connection and validation. This can lead to forming relationships with individuals who may not have your best interests at heart.

You are caught in a conflict between your need for self-care and the guilt imposed by your mother’s manipulative behavior. This internal struggle makes it difficult for you to make decisions that are in your best interest.

Clearly, your mother’s behavior has significantly impacted your ability to trust, leaving you with deep-seated fears and emotional scars. The patterns of manipulation, emotional neglect, and broken promises have shaped your outlook on relationships and self-worth.

“I remember being so heartbroken and crying for days. How can I forget and forgive her Anita?”- You are living with her and still exposed to her abusive control and manipulation. While it is possible to begin the journey of forgiveness and healing in a toxic environment, it will be difficult to proceed. The ongoing control and manipulation hinder progress and make it hard to reach and maintain emotional stability.

Engaging in therapy or support groups can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop coping strategies. Incorporating self-care practices such as mindfulness, meditation, exercise, and hobbies can help, as well as limiting certain types of interactions with your mother, such as no longer sharing personal things with her and seeking her advice.

Identifying physical or emotional safe spaces where you can retreat and recharge is crucial. This could be a room in the house, a friend’s place, or even a mental space created through visualization.

If possible, making plans for eventual independence can provide hope and motivation. This might involve exploring financial options, seeking employment, or finding housing alternatives.

While it is possible to start the journey of forgiveness and healing while still living with your mother, it will likely be more difficult due to the ongoing control and manipulation. However, with the right strategies, support, and a focus on self-care, you can make progress towards your own well-being. Ultimately, planning for eventual independence will be crucial for your long-term healing.

“Anita… can you see the whole picture now? I thought I escaped one abuser but she replaces him now in so many ways… I told her that I’m looking for a place and a way to break free as I’m not feeling well. Her reply was to go and she will know how to end her life and that I should think of giving away the dog… So clearly she won’t let me go without feeling guilty or hurting her feelings or the dog’s that I really love. What can I do? It seems like a situation without an exit. There will be suffering for all of us if I decide to leave”-

– Yes, I can see the bigger picture and I want to acknowledge your strength in recognizing the patterns of abuse and manipulation. It takes a lot of courage to confront these dynamics and consider taking steps to protect your well-being.

Your mother’s threats about ending her life and giving away the dog are manipulative tactics designed to control you. While it’s natural to feel guilt and responsibility, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for her actions or well-being. Her attempts to make you feel guilty are part of the manipulation.

It’s important to remind yourself that prioritizing your mental and emotional health is not selfish. You deserve to live in an environment where you feel safe and supported. The guilt you feel is a result of the manipulation. Your well-being should always come first.

I believe in your strength and resilience. Remember, you are not alone in this, and there are people and resources available to support you through this journey. It’s okay to prioritize yourself and seek a life where you can thrive.

“The man messaged me again but did not apologise for his behaviour… he told me before that he has a very close woman friend who he knows for many years and she always advises him what to do. I expressed my dissatisfaction with that and that he shares my pictures and our conversations with her. I felt abused in some way. Would you feel the same way Anita?”-

– I can understand why you would feel abused and uncomfortable with the situation. Your dissatisfaction is valid, and you have every right to set boundaries around what you’re comfortable with in your relationships. The fact that he did not apologize for his behavior adds to the concerns, as it suggests a lack of acknowledgment or respect for your feelings.

“After that he told me that he needs to find out more about my job and that I should keep my own basis and not count completely on him. I had an impression that he is looking for someone willing to contribute financially in order to have a house. He has sent me many appartment and house adverts and asked which one I like. Then once I told him he said that he had no money to buy and that his work wouldn’t allow him to take a mortgage or loan. Why is he even showing it to me? I’m confused”-

– By showing you homes and discussing future plans, he might be trying to make you believe that he is serious about the relationship and committed to building a future with you, keeping you emotionally invested in the relationship. The promise of a better future can make you overlook current issues and continue investing in the relationship, despite doubts or concerns.

If he consistently shows you homes and discusses plans he knows he cannot afford or achieve, it indicates a lack of follow-through. This leads to disappointment and confusion, as his actions do not align with his words. It keeps you in a state of uncertainty, waiting for promises to be fulfilled. Manipulative behavior often involves creating a facade of commitment and security to keep someone emotionally invested.

“I think that I will stop seeing him for a while as I’m quite a wreck right now and also because I do not feel good after what has happened. Shall I tell him that I need some time and that we can stay friends but he needs to make progress? I don’t want it to sound hash or hurt his feelings in any way. What would you reply to him Anita?”-

– I think taking a step back to focus on your own well-being is a wise decision, especially since you’re feeling like a wreck after recent events. It’s important to prioritize your mental and emotional health. Here’s a way you could phrase your message to him:

‘Hi (his name): I’ve been reflecting on everything that has happened, and I realize that I need some time to focus on myself and my well-being. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and need some space to regain my balance.

I think it would be best for us to take a break from seeing each other for a while. I value our connection, but I need to see some progress and changes in certain areas before we can consider anything more.

I hope you understand and respect my need for this time. Take care.’

This approach allows you to communicate your needs clearly while being considerate of his feelings. It emphasizes your need for space and self-care, and sets a boundary while leaving the door open for future possibilities if there are positive changes. (Personally, Dafne, I am not hopeful about him making positive changes, but I understand that this possibility exists, however unlikely).

Stay strong, Dafne, and remember that you deserve love, respect, and peace. Keep trusting your instincts and take things one step at a time. I’m here for you, and I believe in your ability to navigate through this.

I will close this post with a poem just for you, Dafne:

In the quiet of your heart, a whisper grows,
A strength within that only you can know.
Through chains of fear and guilt you’ve worn so long,
A song of freedom calls, steady and strong.

Beyond the walls of manipulation’s grasp,
A world awaits where love and light will last.
No more the puppet in a cruel, cruel play,
You are the dawn, the start of a new day.

Your spirit soars, unbound by past’s cruel hand,
A life that’s yours, where dreams and hope expand.
Embrace the journey, take each step with grace,
For in your courage, you’ll find your own place.

The ties that bind are but shadows of night,
Rise with the sun, pursue your heart’s own light.
The love you seek begins within your soul,
A journey to freedom, to heal, to be whole.

So let the whisper grow into a roar,
Break free, dear one, and close that heavy door.
To a life where you can truly be,
Rise beyond the shadows, and you’ll be free.

anita

Dear Dafne:

I just noticed that I forgot yesterday that I was to get back to you and reply further to your post of the day before. Normally, I make a note to myself (to return the next day to a particular member), but this time I didn’t make such note. I apologize, Dafne. I will next read and reply in my next post.

anita

Dear Peter:

Reading through your posts, with the realization of my superiority/ fixing others quests, still, right now, I want to say (regardless of how you or others may perceive it to be): I really care about how you feel, how you experience life. I want you to be okay no less (strangely) than I want to be okay.

I can sense how difficult life has been for you, just as I know how difficult mine has been.

I don’t remember when you said it, or what were your exact words, but paraphrased, you said somewhere: why can’t this little movement (tiny buddha) be a place of transformation?

You said it sometime around the 2016 elections results.

How can we, Peter, join forces and make a positive change???

“This is a daring question,”, says internal critic, “how dare you? Who are you to…?”- and the voice says: “your question will go unanswered. You overstepped, you made Peter feel uncomfortable”-

– and it may have.

Yet this is a raw moment (made possible, I admit, by some after-lunch red wine).

And “why would a raw, naked moment be a problem?” Another voice says.

A naked moment.

anita