Dear Dafne:

“When we met by chance, I asked him why he had not contacted me sooner, and he said that it was because he felt that he could not give me what I deserved.”- When you got lost driving and called him for help, you deserved help. So—he couldn’t give you what you deserved? Or wouldn’t?

Action (or lack of it) speaks louder than words.

“His friends said that he is a good man and cares about me.”- His friends uttered words. How much effort does it take to say something supportive?

And what do they mean by “a good man”? Definitions vary. Every bad man is good in some context—Hitler, for example, was reportedly good to his dog.

“Is it possible that all three friends are wrong about him? Or were they just in it together?”- I doubt they were deeply contemplating his character. More likely, they said what was convenient—what aligned with loyalty to their friend.

“Maybe his pride did not let him be entirely honest?”- What if you shift focus from his motives to the impact of his behavior on you? Did his dishonesty hurt you?

“But all of this covered my judgment and made me give him another chance.”- I understand. It took me time and work to trust my own evaluations of people.

“The occasion on the motorway revealed his true colors.”- Yes—and the fact that he didn’t check on you afterward shows he didn’t regret failing you when you needed help. He didn’t call to sincerely apologize or make amends.

“He pretended to be offended and made me feel guilty instead.”- Your tendency to feel guilty can be weaponized by others. That’s not your fault—but it’s something to protect.

“But how do we protect ourselves from men like him in the future? And what are the early signs that he will be the one using the emotional reverse tactic? He was kind, progressive, always on time, and quite caring at the beginning.”- Words are easy. Watch what he does—and what he doesn’t do. In dating or business, people often wear a social mask. The early kindness may be part of the performance.

“How is it possible to change that much?”- He didn’t change. He removed the mask.

“But what if they are not so expressive verbally?”- Then pay attention to their actions.

“It is still hard to believe that one unpredictable moment in life like this can change everything and cast a shadow on a promising story.”- I wasn’t sure what “promising story” you meant here—could you clarify?

About your neighbor: you described someone dangerous, who intentionally harms others and even breaks the law. Yet she “can’t be evicted,” and the police “can’t do much.”

“Now it feels like I’m taking on another emotional labor just to keep my neighbor quiet, trying not to provoke her, staying completely quiet, and it feels like walking on nails, where I live in extreme discomfort and walk on eggshells, avoiding stirring things up. Can you see that pattern, Anita? Or maybe society has changed so badly in those modern times, and it has not that much to do with our confidence, self-worth, or childhood trauma?”- Even with high confidence and no trauma, your neighbor’s behavior would still be disturbing. Without legal support or eviction, moving out may be the only real solution.

The emotional labor you described—staying quiet, walking on eggshells that feel like nails, self-monitoring to avoid her attacks—reminds me of living with my mother. It felt like a prison cell. Not free to be or become. Always afraid. Always censoring myself.

You’re not imagining the harm, Dafne. You’re seeing it clearly. And your clarity is a strength—not a burden. You don’t need to decode his motives or her cruelty. You only need to honor what their actions have shown you. That’s how we protect ourselves—not by being perfect, but by refusing to abandon our own truth.

With care, Anita

Dear Dafne: You are very welcome! Please take all the time you need to reply, be it hours or days. And you are right, replying separately will be easier for me to read and have more clarity.

🤗 Anita

Hello Alecsee:

I’m guessing she didn’t reach out to wish you a happy birthday…?

You did very well not reaching out to her after she set that boundary on July 19th—congratulations. That takes strength and self-respect.

And congratulations as well on all the self-improvement and socializing you’ve been doing. That’s no small thing.

“Mind’s racing a bit but tbh it’s not in my control 😞”- I understand, Alecsee. When my mind starts racing, I use something I call NPARR:

Notice that it’s racing.

Pause—press the internal “pause” button.

Address the situation by identifying the problem and asking: Can I provide all or part of the solution?

Respond—take action if possible, or accept if not.

Redirect my attention elsewhere.

Have you tried anything like that, Alecsee?

With care, Anita 🤍✨

Dear Dafne:

“He was cold as stone and had an attitude of being offended… I feel like a Villain”- He was offended—or he pretended to be offended—but you didn’t offend him.

If he learned earlier that you easily take on guilt that doesn’t belong to you, he may be using it to control you. In a relationship with a man like this, all he has to do to keep you in line is appear offended, and you automatically feel guilty and try to appease him.

“I told him that we will not meet again. It was my first reaction to his lack of understanding, empathy and coldness.”- What happened first is that he was cold and refused to help you when you were lost and scared. What happened next is that you told him you wouldn’t meet again.

It wasn’t the other way around: that you told him you wouldn’t meet again, and then he turned cold and refused to help you.

“Why he did not want to at least wait for me?”- Because, like you said, he was “cold as stone.”

“I felt guilty as I took the wrong way and made him wait. He doesn’t cope well with stressful situations. And that I wish we had communicated better that day and that him shutting down emotionally caused me a lot of pain. I wanted to tell him that we should work on that in the future.”- Your focus shifted from protecting yourself from a cold-as-stone man to… protecting him.. from you.

Recently, I came across the term emotional reversal. It’s a relational dynamic where someone responds to your authentic emotion—(in this case, your valid anger and disappointment about his cold-as-stone behavior)—by shifting the focus onto how your emotion makes them feel, rather than honoring your emotion. It’s a form of deflection, often used to avoid responsibility, maintain control, or preserve comfort.

Common examples: You say: “I’m angry about how I was treated.” They say: “You’re making me feel attacked.”

You say: “I need space right now.” They say: “Wow, I guess I’m just a terrible person then.”

You say: “This dynamic feels unsafe for me.” They say: “You always make things about you.”

Instead of engaging with the content of your emotion, they react to the discomfort it causes them—and make you responsible for that discomfort.

Emotional reversal is harmful because it invalidates your emotional truth. It shifts blame and derails accountability. It pressures you to soothe them instead of honoring yourself. It often leads to self-doubt, shame, or emotional labor.

“I could actually contact him first to say that I am sorry for ruining that afternoon…” To tell him you’re sorry is the emotional labor I mentioned above (another new term for me). He mistreated you that afternoon… and yet… you want to soothe him, to take care of his emotions.

You didn’t ruin that afternoon, Dafne—he did, by choosing coldness over care. You don’t owe him an apology for reacting to being mistreated. You owe yourself protection, clarity, and self-loyalty. You’re not a villain—you’re someone who felt pain and named it. That’s not cruelty. That’s courage.

🤗💝 Anita

Dear Laven:

I didn’t read all of this post, but of what I read, this is breaking my heart: “I don’t have a family, nor have a family unit. I’m an orphan…that no one genuinely wants. They weren’t searching nor looking for me. They never are. They don’t even know my last name…still…after all these years.”-

It’s breaking my heart because I know you are a real person out there feeling this way.. and because I too felt this way for way too long: no one was looking for me. It was as if I was a non-entity.. something that wasn’t visible.

But I do see you, Laven! You are visible here because you made yourself visible by telling your story here, and I am honored to see you!

More, tomorrow.

Anita

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Alecsee~ will reply further tomorrow.

Anita

Dearest Dafne: I will read and reply to you either tonight or Sat morning (it’s Friday afternoon here).

💝 Anita

Dear Laven:

I am truly sorry for all the pain and turmoil you’ve been carrying for so long, and that today was terrible 😔

Please keep sharing, keep telling your story. You matter, Laven!

If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll consider reaching out to a therapist or crisis support. You deserve help that’s equipped to hold this kind of intensity with care and skill. You don’t have to fight this alone.

—Warmly, Anita