Dear Tom:

When you posted last, you were 4 weeks in at your new job; now,  a bit over 4 months-in, and very unhappy with it. Maybe you should look for another job..?

anita

Dear Klast (short for Iconoclast): I am glad you posted again, and will read and reply tomorrow!

anita

Sorry for the misspelling of your screen name, Shandrea.

Dear Robi:

I want to add to yesterday’s post: “I was very attached to them as child (very young  barely remember something), but as I grew up I started liking them less and less… I hated them“- liking them less and less, even hating them, does not mean that your strong attachment to them was- or is- gone. It means that layers of dislike and strong anger were added to the strong attachment, a complex emotional state to have.

(Written in Spain): “Almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense…I cry quite often… I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there”-

– the boldfaced is evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents. What I didn’t boldface is your confusion because of.. the confusing added dislike and anger to the attachment.

Dislike and anger do not undo emotional attachment. I was very attached to my mother for decades while disliking her and angry at her.

(Still in Spain): “It seems like they want me to be happy and this time it feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot“- the boldfaced is more evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents.

(In Spain): “Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher… ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED… I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?“- maybe because you missed home, wanting to be with your parents (a strong emotional attachment).

In Poland: “I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother?… I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact… very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like:  oh, she’s here again… I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood… I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other“- this is how you felt from one point on, growing up with your mother: angry, chronically angry, trapped and angry, not wanting her around while still needing (a different version of) her.

Imagine an angry boy, an angry teenage Robi, waiting.. waiting for his real mother (a loving version of the mother you had) to replace the mother he didn’t like, the one he wanted gone. Imagine that boy still within you, waiting.

Imagine a boy who refuses growing up- becoming adult before he finally gets his real mother, so that he can finally have  the free, un-trapped childhood he never had.

Poland, Feb 22, 2024: “Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March. New Month, New Beginning“- I think that the real, lasting New Beginning for you would be to grieve the mother you didn’t have, the father you didn’t have, and the childhood you didn’t have. So, to start a new chapter in the book telling your story, instead of waiting for the old chapter to be re-written.

Spain, May 19, 2024: “I still think we can be a family“, Romania, July 8, 2024: “I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better“- this is the boy Robi hoping and waiting for the old chapter to be re-written (an impossibility).

Romania, Sept 3, 2024: “There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world“- I think that this part of you is Robi-the-boy who is waiting for a re-do, a child not ready to meet an adult world. Can a different part of you, Robi-the-adult, take his hand and walk him step by step toward a lasting exit from the old chapter?

anita

Dear Robi:

Another walk down memory lane: this may be distressing for you to read, particularly later in this reply. (I am using the boldface feature selectively in the following quotes):

Romania, June 10, 2018: “I was very attached to them as child (very young  barely remember something), but as I grew up I started liking them less and less…  Most of the times it felt like I hate them and I considered them losers… they used to keep me with them at their workplace…  for 6..7 hours every day after finishing school… I guess I hated them for that. I also hated them for not having my own room… They used to also come in whenever… I never had my own space… I also hated them for that.. I felt controlled… a big part of my childhood trapped in their workplace… Everyone was coming and going. Except me. I wasn’t. Hmm.. Pretty much like…  now”.

Romania, Dec 7, 2018: “I left the big city I was living in, left the job at the restaurant which I kept for one month.. and moved back with my parents in order to save some money and go to Germany.… the plan was to be in Germany by October.. but I didn’t work out. So I ended up being kind of stuck here living with my parents again… My parents really seem to be … boring and bored… I would describe both of them as being anxious and disconnected. My father never makes eye contact with me… my parents never had fun, never really had a social life”.

Spain, March 4, 2019: “Almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense… I cry quite often… I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there… I start caring for my parents more and more since I am here… they keep telling me they will help me until I find my way, so I should give it time and do my best to find a good job. It seems like they want me to be happy and this time it feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot. So.. I have been here for one month now”.

“Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher… ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED. I MEAN.. FOR F***’S SAKE !!! I FOUND SOMETHING THAT  COULD BE REALLY GOOD AND NOT THAT HARD BUT I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?” (Spain, March 4, 2019)

Poland, Oct 2, 2022: “I find it sometimes very difficult to connect to my girlfriend, at times I feel things are getting boring. But I love her immensely. I have some traumas I need to work on.. So this is me now, writing from Poland. I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed”.

Poland, Jan 29, 2023: “lately I’ve been really questioning my relationship… I often feel like I get bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be… I don’t think of her when she’s not around and very often If I’m away for a few days/weeks I don’t really feel like I miss her.. I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance”.

Poland, Feb 1, 2023: “I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother? It has to have something to do with my parents/ childhood/ that apartment where we lived… She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact… very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like:  oh, she’s here again… I’m angry with her but.. I mean.. there is no reason to be angry with her. But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood… I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other“.

Feb 18-20, 2024: “My mother used to hit me whenever she would find out about my bad grades. A few times, I remember being brutally hit with a belt. Often after hitting me she would cry and apologise. She lost it quite a few times like that… As for my mother, your description is perfect. ‘crazy… bitter, angry, chronically stressed… unpredictable, impulsive‘.. Since, she’s been through a cancer, when I was 13 and quite a few health problems. Her traumas are showing in her body, but she doesn’t hear it. I am very often worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help“.

Poland, Feb 22, 2024: “Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March. New Month, New Beginning“.

Spain, May 3, 2024: “I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend… I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created… And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore”.

Spain, May 19, 2024: “They have no one else but me. Their parents died years ago… They also don’t have any friends. They only have each other… and me. I see they are suffering on a daily basis… Her body shows her all the pain she hasn’t worked on… Both of them feel miserable most of the time. I clearly see that and I feel sorry for them.. I really do. They often say they love me very much and I’m the most important to them… I don’t want to completely cut them off – I still think we can be a family“.

Poland, June 11, 2024: “here I am now, not having a f*cking clue about anything anymore. I feel ashamed of my stupidity.. leaving Warsaw because I didn’t want to be here anymore and after 3 months come back here because I didn’t want to be there anymore… I don’t quite see the bigger picture”.

Romania, July 8, 2024: “I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better. Maybe breaking the ice at the beginning of this year, telling them how they’ve wronged me removed some barriers… I also managed to reconnect with my cousins which I almost forgot about. Turns out they didn’t”.

Romania, Sept 3, 2024: “There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world… Very often I judge the world for being ‘f***** up’, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature… I’ve been told I see the world as something hostile and I think everyone is against me… I often have compassion and understanding that there’s a lot of disconnection and pain in many of us… As for being part of the corporate system, indeed.. its nearly impossible not to be part of it some way or another. But directly working for a corporation (to me) feels like a step further than buying an iPhone… When it comes to my girlfriend… I do judge her sometimes when it comes to her relationship with her mother. I often think she hasn’t really ‘cut the cord’ from her mother… spending all free time together at home but then talking some more on the phone while going to work – looks a little too much? Again, I honestly don’t know. If I lived like that, I’d be called a ”mommy’s boy” by most people… What do you think?”-

– I think that whether you work for a (big) corporation or not is a minor issue. I think that the major issue is that (prepare for what follows…) at heart and mind, you are a mommy’s boy, and growing up- becoming adult (from the title of your current thread) means abandoning your mother who is (still) in pain. I think that you’ve been angry at her for so long, that often you forget that you’ve loved her for so long. You love and hate her.

I think that you see the world as you’ve seen your mother and father: “‘f***** up’, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected.. hostile… against me… boring“.

Your mother’s particular combo of some-kind-of love, apathy and hostility confused you and created an anxious-ambivalent attachment style toward her, and, fast forward, toward your current girlfriend: “Anxious attachment results when your caregivers are not consistent in their responsiveness and availability with you, leading to feelings of confusion, distrust, anxiety, and ambivalence. People raised this way may desire closeness to their caretakers and distance themselves from them… People who experience anxious ambivalent attachment have an increased risk of experiencing mental health difficulties like depression, low self-esteem, and emotional dysregulation” (very well mind).

I think that you felt trapped growing up: trapped in your parents’ workplace, trapped in the storage room, and as an adult, you are trapped in your love for your suffering mother: not wanting to leave her by adulting, on one hand, and on the other hand, (still, as always) not being able to reach her, to connect with her, and to help her.

I think that your girlfriend’s mother triggered your hate for your mother, that you projected your mother into your girlfriend’s mother. Maybe you are jealous of the connection and consistent, trustworthy closeness between your girlfriend and her mother, something you have never experienced with your mother.

I think that you haven’t been motivated to work at any job and adulting otherwise because you are stuck being a boy who loves (and hates) his mother.

anita

Dear Robi:

You are welcome. I will reply further Wed morning (It’s Tues, early afternoon here), but for now: “I’d like to clarify a couple of things. It might seem I always see the world as being f*cked up… after all no one is really bad… Everyone is good“- wait, everyone is good? No one is really bad.. people are not really bad when their actions are really bad?

anita

Dear Shandrea:

Yes, I understand, of course. I guess the only way to build trust in a new person is slowly, gradually, if the person deserves trust. It is difficult to know for sure though, that there will not be a betrayal of trust sometime along the way. It takes courage to try and to persist in getting to know a person.

anita

Dear Robi:

“I am faced with a very tough choice to make. Do I take the corporate job, do something that’s against my values, but get my financial independence and live with my girlfriend? or Do I stay here couple of months longer and do the trainer course and after that go to Warsaw and find a job (which could still be a corporate job, but having the course might get me a job in a gym)… She (your girlfriend) encourages me to do as a I feel its best… There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world… Very often I judge the world for being ‘f***** up’, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature, letting themselves be manipulated… Some of that might be true. I’ve been told I see the world as something hostile and I think everyone is against me. That I judge people who do corporate jobs without understanding their reasons, without knowing anything about them. I guess some of that might be also true“-

– It is true that the world is f***** up in so many ways. It is true that there is a lot of hostility in the world: within a family, between families, and between ethnic groups and nations.

It is also true that a person cannot be mentally-emotionally healthy and functional when the person sees nothing but hostility, and/ or when a person has little to no esteem for most people.

To be healthy and functional, a person- while acknowledging the wrong and bad in the world-  has to focus, not on what is wrong and bad, but on what is right and good in the world, humanity included. To be a good person is to add to what is right and good.

Whenever possible and appropriate, shift judgment of people => empathy for people, including for yourself.

As far as the greedy corporate world: unless you live in the woods, off the grid, you are part of the corporate world, and you support it as a consumer. It is only a matter of how much any of us (who is not living off the grid) supports big corporations, not if we do.

If you consider a corporate job in Warsaw, look for its negatives: how is it harming people? And look at its positives: how is it helping people?

As far as working as a personal trainer in a gym, if you keep your focus on humanity as hostile, unaware, etc., it’d be just a matter of time before you locate- and focus- on the “unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature“.

* Your girlfriend reads like a good, loving person to you, for you. Do you judge her too sometimes as unaware, blind, etc.?

anita