Hello again, Mr. A:

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes) This is what you shared about your wife’s intelligence: “her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally… I am sacrificing everything for her – intelligent conversations“. About your intellect: “(I) am in the top quartile of intelligent men“.

You shared that your wife is not smart, not confident, not fit, not energetic and not lively (“I have seen so many confident, fit and smart women…  far more energetic, fit and lively… I understand comparison will only make me sad”).

The only positives you mentioned about her: “a good homemaker- cooks for us and takes care of the house. She also works and does it sincerely… her career“.

The only negative you mentioned about yourself: “My problems are I have limited friends and little social life“.

About your interaction with your wife: ” I have certain expectations of her which I had clearly communicated before marriage as well… I have been complaining about her to her and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a snails pace, but does work in a few areas). But her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally.”

My thoughts this morning (evening in Mumbai): you think so very little of her, too little: that she is inferior to you and inferior to other women, a woman with an inferior intellect that you say cannot be changed. And yet, (1) having had conversations with her before marriage (having had adequate opportunities to learn about her intellect, with your stated superior intellect), you expressed to her your high expectations for a marriage with her, and proceeded to marry her., (2) you want to have a child with her, a child that may inherit her supposed inferior intellect..?

* I am surprised that given her supposed inferior intellect, she manages to have a career, which is more than a job?

I suppose that you have a high dry IQ but not a high emotional- social IQ, and perhaps a low self-esteem to go with it, and that’s why you married a woman you perceive to have an inferior IQ, and why you have limited friends and little social life?

You call her “my wife” but it sounds as if a more accurate term, given your perception of her, would be that inferior, unintelligent, obese woman who is an embarrassment to me.

If I was her, knowing how you thought about my intellect alone, I would want to get away from you as quickly as possible because it’s just too humiliating to be thought of this way, day after day, with no end in sight.

“I have been complaining about her to her, and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a  her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally“-

– I think my suggestion right here is just what you need: improve your emotional-social intelligence.

And set her free, help her get relocated elsewhere, so that she can live with dignity as a non-inferior person. It saddens me how so many people are treated as inferior to others, it creates such an intense emotional pain inside.

In my first reply to you, I mentioned empathy, so I will close this post with empathy: please set her free from the prison of your low opinion of her (this is my empathy for her), and please learn and improve your emotional and social intelligence: there are many books on this topic, as well as workbooks, YouTube videos, courses and such (this is my empathy for you).

anita

Dear Kshitij:

“Repressed anger overwhelms me during the spiral… I will write another thread about the repressed anger tomorrow and if it is okay, can I also share one thread about my enraging thoughts that were occurring today“- yes, of course it’s okay.

“One more question, Anita. There is a recent development in my intrusive thoughts that first happened in the nightmare (mentioned by me a few days ago). I do not think if this forum would be the safest place to mention that“- while not sharing about the recent development here, can you tell me anything about why it’d be unsafe for you?  (It’s okay if you don’t).

“how can I share it with you?“- since there is no private messaging option on this website, what are you suggesting?

anita

Dear Kshitij: I was out all day and now, it’s Sun night here. I will read your recent post and reply Mon morning (my time)

anita

Dear Kshitij:

“my intrusive thoughts add on to my difficulties… It is like a quagmire, all you need to put one foot over it and it will just swallow you in.“-

* Simplified, cognition = thinking, metacognition = thinking about thinking.

Today, I found out today (after reading a reply on the forums by Rosie) of a term called Cognitive Attentional Syndrome (CAS), and Metacognitive Therapy that goes along with it.
<p class=”jsx-3897347038 c–grey-neutral-800″>I read on the topic that CAS is an unhelpful style of thinking, a vicious cycle where one’s only focus is on one’s problems and the person feels worse as a consequence (the quagmire you mentioned yesterday). It’s about placing all of one’s attention on problems, overthinking pessimistically, and getting stuck. It’s a pattern of negative, pessimistic thoughts and painful emotions that the person can’t seem to let go of, a pattern that include rumination, worry and fixed attention.</p>
The purpose  of Metacognitive Therapy is 1) to discover what the suffering person believes about his/ her thoughts (it’s called Metacognitive Beliefs), 2) to show the person how his / her beliefs lead to unhelpful responses that unintentionally prolong and worsen the suffering, and 3) to provide alternative ways of responding that allow a reduction of the suffering.

What do you think/ feel about the above, Kshitij?

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for the compliment. The Heart Sutra you quoted is indeed very related to the reflections of the Blank Canvas. The emptiness in the canvas (lack of pained form, colors, textures) and the emptiness talked about in the heart Sutra is a very calming reality for me, calming to my otherwise over-active brain. I can sense now, not what will be, but what is eternally (no time). Rushing to fill emptiness (with forms, colors, textures, sounds, flavors, fragrances) is suffering; Accepting emptiness is calming, it brings relief.

I breathe in Emptiness.

anita

Dear peter:

We cannot see Eternity and Stillness with our temporal, temporary eyes. But we can see it with our.. spiritual, eternal eyes, and find comfort in it when sick, in pain, when faced with the death of one’s personal Time and Movement.

Practice the transfer now by breathing in Eternity and Stillness and breathing out Time and Movement- is what I will do today.

Thank you for this thread, Peter!

anita

Dear Mr. A:

You shared that for the last 3 years you tried to reduce your wife’s weight through “support, ultimatums, love, co-workouts, etc.“, but your efforts failed.

Your feelings about her weight and the repeated failed efforts: “a lot of anxiety, stress and resentment/ anger… My interest levels of physical intimacy are low“.

You thought about separating from her, but you “find it impossible to live alone (due to nature of work and life in Mumbai, India)“. You also “tried to let go off this weight issue saying that it is her control and not mine“, but you can’t, or won’t let it go.

Your goals: (1) to have a wife who looks and feels good, (2) to feel good yourself and to be more attracted to her sexually, (3) to have a healthy child, (4) to have a better social status, (5) to have a healthy wife: “I want her to look and feel good… I want to be more attracted towards her sexually… Help me become happier… I worry if she does get pregnant, then the child might not be healthy … not having a child, social status and her health issues (in future due to obesity) will affect me profoundly”.

You share that one of you is 33, the other 35, you work out 10-12 days a month, she does not like to exercise and does little of it. She tried Keto and IF (Intermittent Fasting), lost weight and gained it back. She says that “she isn’t able to lose weight due to lack of consistency and discipline“. All medical tests reveal that she is physically healthy, no abnormalities in test reports.

“I am asking you to take a look at this and suggest me what should I change or avoid or do differently to lead a life and achieve my life goals… Let me know your thoughts to deal with this!“-

I’ll start with feelings, with what you feel and with what your wife might be feeling: there is no such thing as good feeling (as in a morally correct/ acceptable feeling), and bad feelings (as in a morally incorrect/ unacceptable feeling). We don’t choose our feelings; therefore, there is no moral responsibility for what we feel. In yet other words: we are not good or bad people because of how we feel.

We are good or bad people because of what we choose to say and do (our spoken/ typed words and our actions). What we choose to focus on in life (our values) leads to our chosen words and actions.

Therefore, all that you are feeling on the topic of your wife’s weight is okay to feel. All that she is feeling is okay to feel.

Now, lets look at words and actions: first, the easy part- giving a person an Ultimatum when it comes to losing weight is the last thing that can be effective. If she loses weight because of an ultimatum, it will be a short-term loss, but her trust in you and in the marriage will be lost long-term. There need to be no ultimatums and no threats, no aggression at all.

Second, what may work is (more) Empathy: your empathy for her, and her empathy for you, since you are both suffering. I read about your suffering and (although I don’t know you irl), I feel badly that you are suffering and I wish that you will feel much better, and soon.

I imagine that she is suffering too: she tried may times, and tried hard, to lose weight, in a large part, I imagine, so to satisfy you, and she failed. She knows how you feel about her weight: how is it for her to go through life every day, for 3 years, knowing how you feel about her weight, feeling defined by her weight?

Mr. A, what if you shift your focus  away from her weight, and redirect your focus to her core essence, to who she is: what she feels, what she needs, what she wants; her thoughts, her feelings, her perceptions, her struggles..?

If she feels seen, understood, cared for as a whole person (not as a part-person, or a project, such as a lose-weight-project), she is likely to be able to have the consistency and discipline required to succeed in her chosen objectives.

anita