Dear Tee:

Always grateful to you, Tee.

“Good that you stopped those visits.. if each visit made you more and more depressed, if it killed the joy in you,”- yes it did, big time!

“then of course it’s better to stay away. The problem is – and you know it too – that even if we move thousands of miles away from our abusive parents, the emotional bond is still there. We’re still enmeshed with them, we want them to love us, our sense of self-worth still depends on how they see us..”-

Yes, I know now more than I knew before. Actually, for the longest time, I didn’t know at all. I was too enmeshed with her to see anything clearly.

“Sometimes no physical contact doesn’t mean no emotional attachment. Not at all. But of course, it’s easier to let go of that toxic emotional bond if we stop visiting the toxic parent and stop getting more of the same abuse. As you said, it only retraumatized you.”-

Every visit reopened the wound. A core, severe wound.

“However, the problem is that your emotional attachment to your mother still remained. Your inner child still wants her to love you. You still need her love and validation in order to feel lovable and worthy.. And that’s a trap.”-

Yes. I am feeling it right now, this moment. It feels like love, undying love for her. I need to keep the love, remove the object of this love. To love the wrong person, a person that’s eagerly tries to destroy you.. me, is indeed a trap, one of the prey sacrificing its life so to please the predator.

“The goal of healing is to start feeling lovable and worthy even if our parents weren’t able and will never be able to give us what we need, i.e. to meet our basic emotional needs. They gave us physical life, but many of them were not able to give us emotional nurturing, which is a precondition for a healthy personal development.”-

About emotional nurturing, long ago (adolescence, I think), I saw her as a vampire, her teeth etched in my neck, feasting on my blood.

“So we’re stunted in development, basically, because some basic building blocks are missing. But the good news is that we can make up for what’s missing by getting those basic emotional needs met later in our lives. It’s never too late for that..”-

It’s worth it, to heal at a later age. It doesn’t feel like it’s too late. It feels very good.. It’s about time for me to feel good about me being/ becoming me!

“But to return to your question about your mother: “Why can’t she see me, Tee? Why can’t she hear me?”- Because she herself was/is a wounded, traumatized child. She never received love and care during her childhood, and someone “seeing” her and appreciating her. And so she couldn’t give that to you either. She parented you from her wounds and defenses, rather than her true self.”-

I never had these thoughts, in these words: “She parented you from her wounds and defenses, rather than her true self.”

This is true, as true as can be.

“And, which is also important – she never stopped to ask herself: “why, there must be a better way to live. There must be something I can do to help myself. Perhaps if I change, I could have a better life. Perhaps I am contributing to my own suffering”. That’s something a person with narcissistic traits never does. And so she didn’t either. In her mind, it was you who were making her life miserable – it wasn’t anything that she did. She saw you responsible for her internal terror. She had no awareness of her own wounds, her own trauma, nor was she interested in learning about that. Instead, she projected the badness on you, blaming you for causing her pain and suffering.”-

W.O.W, I couldn’t have said it better. No one has ever said this to me, anything like it. So clear, so exact.

“You were an innocent, precious little girl, whom she unfortunately used as her punching bag, as a way for her to relieve her internal tensions and keep deluding herself that she is not the problem.”- it’s like you were there!!!

“I think that’s what happened, Anita. She was someone with a lot of unresolved mental health issues, and as such, she was totally inadequate to be a parent. But she still became a parent and had two beautiful children, whom she didn’t know how to parent. You two became the victims of her untreated mental health problems. That’s what I believe happened. I wonder how you feel when reading this?”- you are one hundred percent correct.

“Of course I’m happy 🫶 It’s a good feeling to be able to talk to someone honestly, with an open heart, with vulnerability, and see that openness in the other person too. And I’m very happy that our interaction took this turn… it’s definitely something I cherish ❤️ P.S. I like our 🙂s too 😊”-

To me, our conversation is life-changing. From suspicion, distrust, hostility on my part to => softening, trusting (because you are trustworthy!), a shift. Feels like I am rejoining the human race, the Togetherness lost so long ago, dissolving the separateness.. Because of you, Tee, because of your very intelligent input and understanding, because of your grace and forgiveness, and my ability now to receive it.

🙏 ❤️ 🙏 ❤️ Anita

Dear Tee:

“I like your honesty about your thoughts process while writing your previous post to me… It’s good that you notice those thoughts and feelings and can speak openly about them. And I can assure you I won’t shame you, Anita. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in you openly sharing how you’re feeling and what your fears might still be regarding our communication. I appreciate your honesty 🫶”-

Thank you 🙏 🙏 🙏 🫶 🫶 🫶 🙏 🙏 🙏 !!!

“Probably your hypervigilance stems from your mother, who you say would attack you for just about anything you said (or didn’t say), even for your facial expressions… So you weren’t allowed to express yourself, to simply be, be a child, expressing yourself, laughing, crying, playing, talking to your mother.. None of that was allowed”-

I lived in a prison, life put on hold for a later time when it’d be allowed. There were times though, I remember, I was an older teenager or in my early 20s, still living with her, that I exploded with laughter, genuine laughter, a long-awaiting joy.. never when with her alone. Moments of feeling positively alive. A breath of fresh air.

“because of your mother’s severe mental health problems, it seems.”- yes, my analysis (and I am feeling confident about it), she suffered from- and inflicted suffering- from this combo of personality disorders: Narcissistic, Histrionic, Paranoid, Borderline and Obsessive- Compulsive.

“You were exposed to both physical and psychological abuse, and you had no one to help you, since your father left when you were six, while people from the neighborhood didn’t react (it wasn’t socially acceptable to “poke one’s nose” in other people’s child rearing). You had a good uncle (you said he asked you once something about yourself – he was interesting in getting to know you), but I guess he didn’t know about the extent of the abuse that you were suffering?”-

Thank you for remembering all of this. The uncle, Uncle Morris, he lived hours away, so he couldn’t have heard her yelling at me, or beating me, and he was in no contact with the neighbors who did. With him, M was soft-spoken, nice.. But I clearly remember her sitting to his right when he asked me a question about me, looking at me threateningly, with that mild smile on her face. That’s why I didn’t answer him. I said something polite, but didn’t answer.

“I’m very sorry, Anita, for you truly where all alone in those horrible circumstances, left to your own devices to manage the best you can. To survive, basically.”- thank you, Tee.

“And you did survive, but or course, the trauma remained and it’s still affecting you to some extent. (Just to say that my C-PTSD is still present too. I still have parts of my life where I’m lead by fear and am having a hard time making a breakthrough. So it can be a decades-long process, unfortunately.)”-

Thank you for sharing about parallels or similarities in your life, your process. It makes me feel like I am not alone.

“So the question is how to heal. And of course, my answer is always: healing the inner child..”- this made me smile just now. Of course.. Tee and Inner Child healing go together like peas and carrots 🙂

(I just got scared that you’d be offended by this culinary saying.. it’s a saying I like to use).

“You’ve shared parts of your internal dialogue in your own thread (“A Personal Reckoning”), where you did the inner child exercise. You’ve shared what your inner child said, and also what some other parts said, including your adult self. I might have some remarks about that, but I’m not sure if I should comment on it, since you said you want only witnessing, not advice or analysis? So I’m refraining from that, unless you’re comfortable with me giving you feedback. I’ll respect that.”-

Thank you!

I trust you enough to invite you to talk to my inner child directly. I have never invited anyone to do that. I know you will be gentle with her (there are tears in my eyes as I am typing this). She can’t handle criticism.. she shouldn’t (that’s my job, the adult me, to hold myself accountable. Not her job).

No one outside of me ever spoke to her, or had a conversation with her. Please do talk to her.

“It’s okay, Anita. I’m happy that you could step back from your own pain and see a bigger picture. I’m happy you’re open to self-reflection and personal reckoning, as you said. I think you’re doing a great job in being brave and open with all of your feelings. I think it means you’re developing compassion for yourself, which is the key in healing. It’s really good to talk to you and share in your healing process ❤️”-

Thank you for your grace, nothing that I (the adult) deserved, but something you offered anyway. This is the nobility of your character ❤️.

I will soon be away from the computer for the rest od the day.. It’s strange how I can start a day outside when I am so drained from this.. vulnerability. It’s still scary: to be me.. and not be attacked for it? A scary miracle.

Gratefully yours, Anita