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anitaParticipantI’ll be back to you in a few hours, Zenith!
anita
anitaParticipantRe-submitted, hoping for a better format:
Dear Klast:
“There can be no justice when dealing with fate, just acceptance of being a victim“- acceptance of what we cannot change, acceptance of what we can not undo.
“I am a childhood epilepsy (TLE) survivor, who was fully cured at 20. Then 20 years later, grade 3 brain cancer comes along… fate just had to step in at critical moments and take that all away“- Fate (online definition): “the development of events beyond a person’s control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power”.Personally, I agree that a whole lot of what happens, is beyond one’s control. Your childhood epilepsy, and later, brain cancer are two examples of very unfortunate events that happened to you, and which were beyond your control. On the other hand, I don’t believe that there is a supernatural power who arranges for these two events to happen to you, having planned it this way.Do you believe that these (and other) unfortunate events were planned and executed by a supernatural power/ a god?“At the moment I am 4 years ahead of the BC curve (11 year survivor), I should of got sick again 4 years ago. The doctors are surprised I am still working. I was off work for 3 years and believed I would never work again“- congratulations for making it 4 years ahead of the BC curve, and for working!“My overall point is that I had so much built in ability, that I had so much potential, that I worked hard at achieving throughout my life. For it all to be wiped out by random chance“- when I read this part, I was reminded of a nature movie that I watched when I was a teenager, a movie that left a deep impression on me: it was about sea turtle hatching from eggs on a beach, their goal was to reach the water. As I remember it, some didn’t manage to hatch, some were eaten right after hatching, some walked toward the water for a while, but then grabbed by predatory birds, and only a small number got to the water. And then, not all who arrived to the water survived because there are predators in the water as well.All the sea turtles had about the same built in ability and potential.“The usefulness of my potential is all gone now“- in some areas, I imagine, not in other areas.“Surely there is some other way to deal with this?… I feel resentment building up in me every time someone around me has achieved in their lives what fate wouldn’t let me. Help?“- I repeat the serenity prayer to myself every day (not for the religious aspect, but for the principle in the prayer): god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.anitaanitaParticipantDear Klast:
“There can be no justice when dealing with fate, just acceptance of being a victim“- acceptance of what we cannot change, acceptance of what we can not undo.
“I am a childhood epilepsy (TLE) survivor, who was fully cured at 20. Then 20 years later, grade 3 brain cancer comes along… fate just had to step in at critical moments and take that all away“- Fate (online definition): “the development of events beyond a person’s control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power”.Personally, I agree that a whole lot of what happens, is beyond one’s control. Your childhood epilepsy, and later, brain cancer are two examples of very unfortunate events that happened to you, and which were beyond your control. On the other hand, I don’t believe that there is a supernatural power who arranges for these two events to happen to you, having planned it this way.Do you believe that these (and other) unfortunate events were planned and executed by a supernatural power/ a god?“At the moment I am 4 years ahead of the BC curve (11 year survivor), I should of got sick again 4 years ago. The doctors are surprised I am still working. I was off work for 3 years and believed I would never work again“- congratulations for making it 4 years ahead of the BC curve, and for working!“My overall point is that I had so much built in ability, that I had so much potential, that I worked hard at achieving throughout my life. For it all to be wiped out by random chance“- when I read this part, I was reminded of a nature movie that I watched when I was a teenager, a movie that left a deep impression on me: it was about sea turtle hatching from eggs on a beach, their goal was to reach the water. As I remember it, some didn’t manage to hatch, some were eaten right after hatching, some walked toward the water for a while, but then grabbed by predatory birds, and only a small number got to the water. And then, not all who arrived to the water survived because there are predators in the water as well.All the sea turtles had about the same built in ability and potential.“The usefulness of my potential is all gone now“- in some areas, I imagine, not in other areas.“Surely there is some other way to deal with this?… I feel resentment building up in me every time someone around me has achieved in their lives what fate wouldn’t let me. Help?“- I repeat the serenity prayer to myself every day (not for the religious aspect, but for the principle in the prayer): god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.anitaanitaParticipantDear Zenith:
“How do I regulate my anger now. By forgiving her?“- if by forgiving, you mean to shift from anger to peaceful acceptance of reality, then yes, but.. how can you achieve this shift?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
“I don’t want friends“- I see your all-or-nothing tendency, as in: if she is not in your life all the way, then she must not be in your life at all.
“I was doing pretty okay until the incident happened yesterday“- you need to learn to tolerate or regulate being triggered, to not over-react emotionally (or behaviorally). We talked about emotion regulation. Remember my (emotion regulation) NPARR strategy?
There’ll always be triggers, and feeling okay will be temporary until you successfully practice emotion regulation.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lily-Mae:
You are welcome. “I currently see my psychiatrist… I just want to die. And I’m planning on doing that“- please call your psychiatrist, or an emergency number (911, USA) as quickly as possible and voice your suicidal thoughts- so that you can receive professional help.
“I always go for the wrong men because I feel ugly and worthless. I wish I could put a mask over my face… I’m not good enough and I will never be“- better than putting a mask over your face would be to remove the mask of self-hate and let the beauty underneath shine!
“This guy got everything. He got happiness. He got a beautiful girlfriend.. I wish I was good enough, but I’m not. She is.“- from where you are at, it seems like he got everything, and is happy, but it’s not likely to be true.
“I have borderline personality disorder“- I was diagnosed myself with BPD, and after my first quality psychotherapy and years of work, I no longer fit the diagnosis.
“I’m angry that he treated me like a fool… I’m so angry, I wish he was regretful for what he has done to me… I’m angry at God because he made him happy and I’m sitting with the pain, the suicidal ideas. I love God, don’t get me wrong, but man I am so angry“- since you mentioned being angry and loving God, here’s a quote from bible study tools. com/ topical verses/ anger bible verses:
“We all struggle with moments of anger – whether we are faced with a small annoyance or an overwhelming situation. Rather than lashing out with harsh words and actions, which only leave us with guilt and shame, we can stop and focus on Scripture for help. The Bible gives plenty of advice on dealing with anger… The Bible also teaches us that not all anger is wrong. Righteous anger stems from an anger that arises when we witness ‘an offense against God or His Word.’ Righteous anger cares about others. It attacks the sin instead of the sinner.
“It’s important to consider what can result from our anger. Will our anger produce actions that intend to make the world a better place and help bring people to hear the Gospel, in a loving way? Or will our anger retaliate, isolate, and cause someone to potentially stray away from the faith because of our actions? We should be slow to become angry and filter all emotions through how God wants us to respond to others. Brows Scripture quotes on anger below and… Keep them with you throughout the day to remind yourself of God’s strength and peace when you feel tensions rise.” (End of quotes)
I hope to read more about your thoughts and feelings, Lily-Mae, as long as it helps just a bit to type them into the screen and get replies.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
“She’s 92“- I didn’t know that she was in her 90s. For some reason, I thought she was in her later 70s, or early 80s. Few people live into their 100s, very few. Time for you to say goodbye to her, a loving, kind .. see you on the other side.. kind-of goodbye?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lavern:
“nobody ever wants and chooses me.“- imagine you wanting and choosing you, choosing Lavern as the most important, valuable person.. in your own one, precious, special life.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
“I saw my friend.. I want to stay away from people for a little while.“- will it help if you no longer think of her as a friend (and therefore have expectations of her fitting a friend), and instead, think of her as nothing but a mere acquaintance (and therefore, no expectations)?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
You have problems, but you are not the problem. Not everything is your fault: a whole lot is not your fault. And everyone has problems. Best we can do is change what needs to change and accept that which we cannot change, which is the principle behind The Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. What if you put this prayer into practice in your current circumstances..?
anita
anitaParticipant* Thank you, Helcat!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
“she only made those decisions on behalf of her family. She doesn’t want them to get upset, angry, and coerce and influence her true decision. It’s just easier for her to agree“- she agrees with the part of her family to whom you don’t belong, the part of her family that rejects you.
Choose who accepts you, choose who welcomes you, choose who wants to belong.. with you.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
“I just want to belong.“- you do belong, even as you feel that you don’t. You belong with all the people who belong, but don’t feel that they belong.
anita
anitaParticipantYou are very welcome, Lavern. I understand. You can post as many times as you want, as often as you want, and it’s okay for you to not reply to responders. Thank you for explaining!
I will respond to your other thread tomorrow!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lily-Mae:
“I saw this man on an off for over two years. He was toxic towards me, told me from the start he does not want a relationship with me. I was obviously too stupid to not leave him“- I don’t think that it’s a matter of a lack of rational intelligence that you stayed in an on-and-off relationship with him for over 2 years, but a matter of a subconscious motivation to change an unloving person into a loving person. Such a motivation is often born in childhood when a child has an unloving parent.
“January this year he left me for another woman– who lives down the street from me. They are now in a committed relationship and he moved in with her– and she has a child. While he was with his new girlfriend, he still wanted to be friends and tried to stay in contact with me… he treats her like a Princess“- doesn’t read like he has been faithful to her. Being that he contacted you while in a relationship with her, does not equal treating her like a princess, does it?
“We were only intimate from behind… He told me he does not want children, now she has a child“- it is possible that you accepted that sexual position because that’s what he wanted, and therefore, you never got pregnant, but at least on one occasion, she did not accept that position, and him being carried away with sexual drive.. she got pregnant.
“I feel depressed, hurt and angry… I wish I was good enough – but I’m not and that breaks me everyday. I need some advice please and thank you.”- you are welcome, and I hope that you feel better soon! His behavior and you accepting his behavior does not mean that you were, or are not god-enough. His behavior indicates who he is, not who you are. Your acceptance of his behavior indicates an emotional desperation. It does not indicate your worth as a person.
I used to be desperate, I used to feel acutely not good-enough. It was a painful experience!
My advice: seek psychotherapy if possible. If it helps to type away your thoughts and feelings, life-experiences now, and in the past, etc., you are welcome to do so here, and I will respond empathetically and non-judgmentally.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 