Thanks @Sammy for the reassurance! It’s useful to read about your experience. I agree, NC is the way to go for me too – lesson learned the hard way in this one, trying to keep casually in touch for a few months after, very detrimental to healing.

I don’t think she adds anything to my life that other friends don’t.  Of course I loved the connection we had at one point but that is no longer there. I think trying to be friends, or even keep in casual contact with her would cause more negative feelings than positive – not because I have feelings for her or find her attractive any longer, I don’t think I do, just that it would remind me of the hurt of the breakup. I guess it really depends on the circumstances, as thinking about it I have managed to keep a solid friendship with someone I tried dating for a while after we had been friends for many years, but I think that is because we had that base of friendship first and the decision not to date anymore was very mutual. I did not have nearly as strong feelings as I did here, nor did I get dumped out of the blue.

Seem to have answered my own ponderings! Also just read an article that said that running into someone previously important to you unexpectedly triggers the flight or fright response, so the physiological reaction I experienced is to be expected. Brains eh!

Hope you are feeling ok Sammy. Been good to read that you have been making so much progress and got yourself into a good routine rather than drinking. Well done!

Glad there will be some kind of conclusion this weekend, Shelby, even if it’s not the one you are hoping for.  Sometimes I find the uncertainty of a situation so much worse than the actual outcome, even though I know it’s not the outcome I want. I hope you will feel relief on some level that you at least don’t have to question yourself and your and his feelings so much anymore even though it will hurt. And hey, you can be proud you tried. You could have just played it safe, but you have put yourself out there again, risked your heart. That’s what life is about, even if something doesn’t work out. You should still take heart in the experience.

As for me, yeah you’re right that people communicate differently. I think part of it for me is that I feel it takes so much bloody effort to get to this stage that it seems like a waste not to keep communicating at the same pace but I can see how that is off putting to some people. If I’m honest with myself anxiety about lack of contact always happens regardless of the person but it lessens with time if I let it, and then I am able to assess the situation much more objectively and actually reflect properly on how I feel about them. So, here we are again! Riding the wave and waiting for clarity. My gut says that this particular person is not compatible with me but would make a good friend, but then I wonder if I am just writing them off because of past experiences and hurts. Guess we will see.

Anxiety huh. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thinking of you!

Hello Noor

Just wanted to reach out after seeing so much of my own experience described in your latest post. I also found these forums in an attempt to deal with the heartbreak of being broken up with in my first relationship. The circumstances are different to yours but like you I tried desperately to make things work, overlooking key needs of mine, compromising, over accommodating because I wanted her to be the one for me. But rationally, she so clearly wasn’t. From my perspective, she was able to “just quit” and move on as you describe, and I too have found that incredibly hurtful.

I too was incredibly scared of putting myself out there again. Of even considering dating. After a few months, I did, and I dated someone over the lockdown period. That too didn’t work out; after meeting up in person she said it made her realise she wasn’t over her last relationship . I was again hurt – and ashamed that things had failed, despite my best efforts. However, I do feel that having been broken up with before, I was much more equipped to deal with the blow of the rejection, and I knew how to take care of myself better too. For example, instead of trying to keep in contact, hoping that things would be different and she would change her mind as I did with my ex, I cut contact immediately. It was difficult at first, but because of my first experience, I knew it would get easier with time, and it has. I have only contacted her once, to wish her happy birthday. I also suggested we get a drink which she said sounded great, but then hasn’t  contacted me to arrange it as she said she would.  With my ex, I would have followed up and chased, but this time I am adamant this person does not deserve my time and energy because she has shown as much. Like you, I always try to see the good in people and take them at their word, and I used to feel it was my fault if they didn’t follow through. However, I am slowly it surely learning to recognise that others choosing not to follow through   has no bearing on my self worth, and it is a way of filtering themselves out of my life, which I am ultimately better off for. I – and you – deserve genuine people in our lives who put in effort equal to what we do.

Still, it’s difficult. I get frustrated at myself that I still think about these people, and how my relationships with them, didn’t work out daily, even months later. However, our brains will do what they will do – these thoughts will come no matter how much we wish we could forget sometimes – the trick is to observe them as just thoughts without getting hooked into them.

I really get what you mean about missing companionship even though you are used to being single. I feel the same – I guess it’s something about knowing what you are missing out on, whereas before we were ignorant to what falling in love was like. And while that hurts, I think we are lucky to know what it feels like; because that shows it’s possible for us, and can therefore happen again.

While I am back to being single and hesitant to date, I take comfort in the fact that when I am ready, I will go in wiser and more secure in myself than I did the last time. And whenever it happens that I enter a relationship again, I will be able to communicate my needs more clearly, and be more confident in letting go if those needs aren’t being met. And letting go will hurt like hell, just like it did the first time, but I know it’s possible because I’ve done it before. So I think that while of course it would be nice if things had worked out the first time, or in my case, even the second, we just have to keep trying, and learning and loving – especially ourselves – along the way.

Love and best wishes as you continue to heal.

@Genie

Thanks for your wise words and ongoing support. Sorry I haven’t replied earlier; things have felt a hard lately as I said on the other thread. But I do feel I am making progress in improving my self esteem and confidence, despite that. I get frustrated at myself, sure, but at the end of the day, I know I am a kind, generous, intelligent person who is trying to grow and learn and I am proud of myself for that, and like you say deserve to have my needs met. So I will keep working on consistently believing that, and the rest will follow. 🙂

So happy to hear you and Jay are going well. Enjoy every bit of it! Xx

@Genie

I will reply properly later but just wanted to say that I am sorry you feel judged and are planning on leaving. I have really appreciated your support and I hope that you reconsider that and at least post occasionally. I did not see you not wanting to communicate offline as a rejection of me, just a personal preference on your part.

I am glad to hear you are safe and things with Jay are going well. You deserve it! xxx

Greed4UrLove, likewise – thanks for the kind words! I have indeed found solace on this forum; people are really helpful.

What Anita said about chasing the intoxicating feeling has really stuck with me. I recently briefly dated someone else, but after about six weeks of talking and then eventually meeting up post lockdown she said she realised she wasn’t over her last relationship and couldn’t commit anything, I was sad about that, and I don’t doubt I liked her, but what’s interesting is looking back I can see that objectively, we were not very compatible; what I was chasing was the intoxicating feeling. Same with my ex – I feel myself pining for her at times but if I take a step back, I realise I am pining for a version of her that doesn’t exist- one that is clouded by this intoxicating pull, and it is that that I’m pining for.

I don’t know about you but my self esteem and self worth is generally low – I find myself seeking love in others and being hugely self critical of myself. I think that’s why I find the pull so intoxicating- because it validation I can’t/don’t give myself at the moment. So I am going to take a break from dating and work on that. Easier said than done but as you said, it’s about being willing to be open to hard truths.

Thanks for allowing me to put my thoughts here. You are clearly a kindhearted, good person and I really hope you are feeling better soon.

@Genie thank you so much for taking the time to reply even in your busy schedule. I hope you and Jay can see each other soon! The reunion will be sooo worth it. I hope things are going well at your family’s place. They are lucky to have you!

Your advice around not cutting all contact is solid; at the moment I feel the distance is beneficial but I would like to connect up with her again in a few weeks.

I did get back in touch with her briefly earlier in the week  because a friend of mine, through a friend of hers, sent me some information about past behaviour of hers that really didn’t sit well with me. The friend of the friend somehow found out that we had been dating and thought it was important I know. I am not one to give too much weight to gossip but it was weighing on my mind so I asked her about it and we had a brief conversation. I am glad I raised it now because it was clouding my feelings somewhat and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable starting up contact with her again without her knowing that I know. she seems to own what she did and be making changes in her life as a result so I don’t think it will affect our chances of friendship.

It’s been interesting observing my feelings. I was very sad the day and night of receiving her text, and I just let myself cry as much as I could. But since then I have not been nearly as sad, like I had a short, sharp burst of it and now it’s tapered off. I can feel myself learning to just let emotions pass through and know that I won’t feel this way forever; this is great progress for me as throughout my life I’ve been taught to put on a “brave face” and it has made things harder in the long run because I don’t give myself the time to process hard things properly. It has also been beneficial to be able to lean on friends- I have some amazing friends who are so supportive of me which always helps.

You are right Genie, love and relationships certainly aren’t like Hollywood films! Lets hope there aren’t tooooo many more lessons eh! Thanks again for the ongoing cheerleading! Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

I hope you are okay @michelle. I miss your posts; check in when you can. X