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Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me.

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  • #361082
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for thinking about my wellbeing…I appreciate it.

    I guess I am just tired and confused as to when that amazing relationship will be. I feel this relationship was so rushed, and I put in so much effort to the point of extreme exhaustion, and for the other person, it seemed it was so easy to forget all of it and just quit. I sometimes wake up wishing it was all a dream and sometimes I thank my lucky stars for not continuing the relationship longer than a year since it was clearly not the right fit for me.

    I don’t know how people even end up in a happy relationship. I have seen so many negative examples around me which to some extent were also because of traditional cultural weddings where two very incompatible people come together to make even a toxic marriage work…..so I understand not all relationships are like that. My point is how do you get to build a good relationship, how do you even build the courage to put your heart out there again, and why am I missing this void so much. It’s like now that the relationship is over, all I can fixate on is how do I move past this, how do I forget him, how do I even begin the process of thinking about a new relationship……I feel scared to ever go through something like this again.

    Should I just focus more on other things for now such as work? I tend to overpack my schedule where I am so busy that I don’t even have time to think about my relationship or in this case single life. I use to do it before too where I purposely put a lot on my plate so I can only focus on that but I guess that is also not the healthiest approach.

    #361089
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    Hello Noor

    Just wanted to reach out after seeing so much of my own experience described in your latest post. I also found these forums in an attempt to deal with the heartbreak of being broken up with in my first relationship. The circumstances are different to yours but like you I tried desperately to make things work, overlooking key needs of mine, compromising, over accommodating because I wanted her to be the one for me. But rationally, she so clearly wasn’t. From my perspective, she was able to “just quit” and move on as you describe, and I too have found that incredibly hurtful.

    I too was incredibly scared of putting myself out there again. Of even considering dating. After a few months, I did, and I dated someone over the lockdown period. That too didn’t work out; after meeting up in person she said it made her realise she wasn’t over her last relationship . I was again hurt – and ashamed that things had failed, despite my best efforts. However, I do feel that having been broken up with before, I was much more equipped to deal with the blow of the rejection, and I knew how to take care of myself better too. For example, instead of trying to keep in contact, hoping that things would be different and she would change her mind as I did with my ex, I cut contact immediately. It was difficult at first, but because of my first experience, I knew it would get easier with time, and it has. I have only contacted her once, to wish her happy birthday. I also suggested we get a drink which she said sounded great, but then hasn’t  contacted me to arrange it as she said she would.  With my ex, I would have followed up and chased, but this time I am adamant this person does not deserve my time and energy because she has shown as much. Like you, I always try to see the good in people and take them at their word, and I used to feel it was my fault if they didn’t follow through. However, I am slowly it surely learning to recognise that others choosing not to follow through   has no bearing on my self worth, and it is a way of filtering themselves out of my life, which I am ultimately better off for. I – and you – deserve genuine people in our lives who put in effort equal to what we do.

    Still, it’s difficult. I get frustrated at myself that I still think about these people, and how my relationships with them, didn’t work out daily, even months later. However, our brains will do what they will do – these thoughts will come no matter how much we wish we could forget sometimes – the trick is to observe them as just thoughts without getting hooked into them.

     

    I really get what you mean about missing companionship even though you are used to being single. I feel the same – I guess it’s something about knowing what you are missing out on, whereas before we were ignorant to what falling in love was like. And while that hurts, I think we are lucky to know what it feels like; because that shows it’s possible for us, and can therefore happen again.

    While I am back to being single and hesitant to date, I take comfort in the fact that when I am ready, I will go in wiser and more secure in myself than I did the last time. And whenever it happens that I enter a relationship again, I will be able to communicate my needs more clearly, and be more confident in letting go if those needs aren’t being met. And letting go will hurt like hell, just like it did the first time, but I know it’s possible because I’ve done it before. So I think that while of course it would be nice if things had worked out the first time, or in my case, even the second, we just have to keep trying, and learning and loving – especially ourselves – along the way.

    Love and best wishes as you continue to heal.

    #361166
    Noor
    Participant

    <div class=”bbp-reply-author”>
    <div class=”bbp-author-role”>Hi Adelaide1,</div>
    </div>
    <div class=”bbp-reply-content”>

    I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak, but it is admirable to see that you had the courage to slowly start the dating process. It gives me motivation to see strong people like you that learn from their experience and do move on, no matter how hard it initially seems. You are right regarding missing companionship even more because I know what it feels like but knowing it can happen again gives me reassurance and hope.

    I will keep your words in mind when I am ready…whenever that may be. In the meantime, I will try to shift my energy towards learning and loving myself along this journey.

    I am sending positive vibes your way. I can tell you must be a good person for even taking the time to advise me in the hopes of some reassurance, so thank you.

    </div>

    #361171
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Noor:

    I just noticed that you posted back to me a moment ago; otherwise, I would have responded sooner.

    You are welcome. I think that distracting yourself and focusing on work is a good approach. It is also a good approach for you to look into the relationship you had further, as well as looking into the “many negative examples” of relationships in your family, so that you can become clear about what you need, and what you don’t need.

    Many marriages outside the “traditional cultural weddings where two very incompatible people come together” don’t work either, because marriages are difficult, whether they are arranged or love marriages. People often don’t understand what they need, so they don’t make good choices for themselves. If you look, over time, at the relationship you had and the relationships you observed in your family, you will know better what it is that you need.

    Anytime you want to, if you want to, share about those marriages you observed in your family, the marriages that affected you so badly and that turned off to the idea of wanting a relationship of your own (before having your first relationship).

    The longing for him, that’s not about him being the right man for you, or the relationship having been good. It’s about the simple but very intense, universal human longing for companionship of the romantic kind.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #361217
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for responding.

    Yes, I am focusing more on work, for now, I got a new job offer which made me really happy.

    I guess the marriages I have witnessed in life have been extremely toxic and abusive, but for some reason, I never saw those marriages ending. People were miserable but for some reason, they choose not to leave the other person and stay in this cycle. Perhaps unconsciously I avoided relationships because of that and when I got one I too was determined to make it work no matter what….since I was used to that being normal when clearly it should not be.

    I used to also get angry at myself when I craved a romantic relationship because I thought I should be focusing on other things in life and I already have people who support me so what more did I want. I realized after being in the relationship that having a person of the romantic kind can be beautiful and it is completely different than other things in life. It is just unfortunate that my first relationship did not work or I guess fortunate considering how toxic it became. I am slowly learning that I should give myself time and space before I am ready but also not get frustrated when the longing for the companionship of the romantic kind does occur.

    Anita, I hope things are going well at your end.

    #361219
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Noor:

    Your recent post reads intelligent and insightful. Reads like you have a good understanding of what motivated you to stay away from romantic relationships, and then, in the one relationship you had, you tried too hard “to make it work no matter what”.

    “I used to also get angry at myself when I craved a romantic relationship”- imagine a food that you crave, maybe a particular cake: you eat it, enjoy it, maybe have too much too quickly, and you get sick. When you feel sick you say to yourself: I will never eat this cake again! But over time, you forget the incident and you crave the cake again. Similarly, I imagine after you recover from this breakup, you will crave a romantic relationship again.

    But next time, make sure you get to know the man bit by bit, over time (similar to eating a small slice of cake at a time, have a second slice if the first slice was good).

    I am fine, thank you for asking. Do post again anytime you want to, I would like to read how you doing as time goes on.

    anita

     

    #361904
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    I hope you are well.

    Thank you again for your constant replies, they have played a huge role in helping me move forward.

    The thing is….I am doing well…or at least I am really trying to make myself believe that I am doing well. It’s like my escape usually from stress in life is going on long walks or drives but the thing is I can only do that now. It is SO hard to focus on anything else because the minute I am not on a walk or driving then all the memories hit me like the ocean waves, the constant back and forth. I hate this the most because it is interfering with my concentration in my professional life which is definitely not okay with me since I am extremely career-driven and I feel I am letting myself down. My appetite has even gotten extremely bad same with my sleep cycle. Some people close to me keep saying that I am overreacting for a relationship that was only 15 months…so now I am also worried is this true? But I always feel it is not the length of the relationship, rather how much invested I was in it which makes it difficult. It’s hard because I can’t seem to clear my head from everything that happened, I do not want to contact him, ever again but I need some clarity as to how someone does what he did to another individual. How can a person be so unempathetic?

    His last message to me was two weeks ago saying “you were perfect, it was not you, but I cannot live a life in which I am constantly stuck between you and my mom, my mom could not sleep after I told her so it would only get worse had I kept trying” to be honest, I just didn’t reply. I didn’t even know what to reply.  I am still confused as to what was the main reason behind his mother’s unacceptance and because of his poor communication skills throughout the relationship and even now, I cannot understand.  I am also not asking him for more explanations because I am tired…I feel like I babysat the whole relationship with someone in their late 20s and I can’t do that anymore. I also will have a hard time trusting his words considering his dishonesty throughout our relationship. But what is he trying to achieve by sending me these messages?

    I guess I am hoping if somehow in my head I can make sense of the whole situation, then it will be easy to be at peace….but I don’t know if that is true.

    #361905
    Noor
    Participant

    I am proud of myself though for being able to stick to my no contact policy from my end. I am doing better because I have come to terms with the fact that I was never in a relationship that was loving from both ends so I really did not lose anything. Initially, all I could think about was him and the strong temptation to want to speak to him, but as time passes that is completely going away so that is some progress I suppose.

    #361917
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Noor:

    It’s good to read your rational thinking and excellent progress. I will reply further when I am back to the computer, in about 9 hours from now.

    anita

    #361939
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Noor:

    Like I wrote last night, your thinking is rational and your progress is excellent, but it takes a long time for the heart to catch up with the rational thinking. Your appetite and sleep patterns will improve- try guided meditations in bed, before going to sleep, and a couple during the day, maybe this will help with your appetite, sleep and the overthinking.

    “It is not the length of the relationship, rather how much invested I was which makes it difficult”- I agree. It is clear to me that you were invested in the wrong person.

    “I can’t seem to clear my head from everything that happened… I need clarity as to how someone does what he did to another individual. How can a person be so unempathetic?”

    Although you rationally understand quite a bit, you don’t understand enough. I re-read your posts on this thread and will proceed to try and understand more myself. Maybe I can help you some with the clarity that you need. I am guessing this will be a long post.

    It seems to me that on one hand you know that he has been and is a dishonest man who lies, but on the other hand it is unbelievable to you, so you are not sure. Look at the title of your thread: “Claims he is..”, the evidence that you don’t believe he has been telling you the truth is in the verb “Claims”. There is a lot more evidence in your original post (before we started communicating) and later in your posts to your belief that he lied to you: “that is what he told me… claiming that it was a bit too fast… I believed him… I gave him the benefit of doubt… a lot of other ‘fake’ promises.. I had this gut feeling that he was not telling me the whole truth”.

    But like I suggested, part of you believes he lied, another part of you does not believe that- and that went on for the entire relationship, believing and not believing: this is why you used to ask him so many questions, and the same questions, again and again: you didn’t believe the answers he gave you, so you asked again. And again.

    Let’s look at his lies (some lies are evident, other lies are less evident, and we’ll never know because it will take a reliable private detective agency to investigate in the US and in India, and without such investigation… we’d never know:

    1) “when we first started dating I told him that even if his family does not drink alcohol but mine does.. will that be a problem? He clearly said no and then as the relationship progressed he said that just try to make sure they do not drink in front of my parents”- either the early “no” was a lie, or his later suggestion was a lie.

    2) “he addressed my concerns reassuring me his parents would never have a problem.. I can’t live without you so I will definitely fight for you. This really threw me off as I did not understand what exactly he would fight for”- you got it right: if he believed that his parents would never have a problem, why would he need to fight them for you?!

    Regarding telling them about you: “he wants to make sure he does it when he does not have to worry about his academics”- if he believed that they would “never have a problem”, then he wouldn’t have considered it to be a problem that will interrupt his academics.

    3) “He told me again, not to worry too much because he is not close to his parents and since he has never told them about any girls before in his life.. He used to paint a VERY liberal picture of his family to me. He told me how they are very accepting”-  I don’t know what he was referring to as far as his parents being accepting. My comment is: if his parents were “very accepting” of him, he would have been close to them.

    4) When he allegedly told his parents about you, “The first day they reacted happily as he tells me”- maybe he told them, maybe he didn’t tell them at all. You wrote: “I do feel he did tell his parents as the details in the conversations seemed too real for him to be lying”- an effective liar does provide a lot of details that seem very real so to make his lies convincing. Think of watching a movie on the big screen, it is all the details that make the story seem very real. But the story is not real.

    You live in Canada, his parents live in India, you never met them in person or otherwise. You don’t know anyone who knows his parents: what evidence do you have that he told them anything about you, other than his words?

    5. “The first day they reacted happily as he tells me. They asked questions, wanted to see my photos, wanted to know about my family, and were happy we were from the same religion… Two days after telling his parents, his mom threw a tantrum saying she will not accept this relationship as she did not choose me. He asked her why she couldn’t at least talk to me first and she just refused. She had no reason for denial”, “it is very unusual to believe their extreme changes in reaction within a span of three days “-

    – it is unusual but possible: some people are unusual, act irrationally and impulsively, throwing tantrums, unpredictable. Thing is, from your description of your ex, he is very rational, calculating, plans ahead, not at all impulsive. If his parents, or his mother in particular, was such an extremely irrational and impulsive person, making choices with “no reason”, I doubt that your ex would have told her anything. If he told her, I don’t think he would have asked her “why she couldn’t at least talk” to you. I doubt that he would suggest that his extremely irrational, tantrum throwing, unpredictable mother should talk to you.

    6. “he told his parents… After this, he called me crying saying he does not know what to do”- I think this was a lie, he did know what to do: he wanted to break up with you, that was his intent and his goal.

    Continued quote: “he called me crying saying he does not what to do. I was supportive, I said it  is okay I will stand by you. Give your parents some time.. He kept crying saying they will never accept and he had failed me”- you were thinking that his tears are sincere, the he really didn’t know what to do,  so you were trying to help him figure out what to do, not realizing that he was not conflicted, he knew what he wanted to do.

    Continued quote: “I said it has been just one call.. just be patient. He said it will give his mom a heart attack.. in short.. we broke up”- you were still trying to help him, thinking he was conflicted and needed your help. Not wanting your help, but being intent on breaking up with you, he added a weapon to his arguments, the threat that his mother will get a heart attack. He then proceeded to achieve his goal:  “we broke up”.

    You wrote: “it literally took one phone call for him to feel helpless and  our relationship to end”- according to what he told you it literally took one phone call. This was a lie. He was not serious about you from the beginning: “When we started dating he was a bit more hesitant to meet my family and friends… I had to convince him to try long-distance in the beginning.. (I) patiently waited five months for him to see anyone close to me”.

    You asked yesterday: “I need clarity as to how someone does what he did to another individual. How can a person be so unempathetic?”

    Seems to me that he is very rational, calculating, generally unemotional. He is not guided by empathy but by cold calculations. You referred to him as “asocial”, not having friends, and he told you that he was not close with his family in India (every liar sometimes tells truths, no one lies all the time).

    “he told me that I would be ‘bad news’ to them since they never have known he even dates and has a girlfriend”- if this is true, then how distant does a man in his late twenties need to be from his parents, for them to never know that he had one, singular date in his life? And why would a man keep his parents so unknowing of his personal life? I am thinking that he grew up very much alone in his home, very much emotionally removed from his parents. I don’t think he feels comfortable with emotional closeness. And honesty goes together with emotional closeness.

    You wrote yesterday: “I am still confused as to what was the main reason behind his mother’s unacceptance and because of his poor communication skills throughout the relationship and even now, I cannot understand. I am also not asking him for more explanations because I am tired.. I feel like I babysat the whole relationship”- remember I wrote to you in the beginning of this post that part of you believes that he lied to you and part of you does not believe it? In this quote you think of him as a child, immature, misguided, instead of the calculating adult that he is. Also, you think that his problem was “poor communication skills” when it wasn’t. The problem was that he lied to you repeatedly. You have been and are confused at times not because he is an immature child with poor communication  skills, but because he is a calculating adult who lies.

    If you believe lies, and the lies paint a confusing story, then you are confused. If you know the truth, you are no longer confused. You may not like the truth, but at the least, you will no longer be confused, and with clarity, you will be able to move on.

    Better not ask him for explanations because you will be getting more lies that will maintain or even increase your confusion.

    “But what  is he trying to achieve by sending me these messages?”- it makes him feel  better to send you whatever messages he is sending you, when he does.

    “I guess I am hoping if somehow in my head I can make sense of the whole situation, then it will be easy to be at peace”- clearing confusion does give peace. You are an honest person, from what you shared, your family members are also honest, at least with you. But you do know that there are people out there in the world who are not honest and who lie, don’t you?

    Knowing this is true makes it possible to imagine that you happened to meet and get invested in one of the many  people out there who are dishonest and who lie. It is painful and mind boggling to accept this unfortunate reality, but accepting it because it is real, is what will liberate you from confusion and bring you clarity and peace of mind.

    anita

     

    #361925
    patrica
    Participant

    We show affection to our loved ones more often than not. A lot of us depend on their help and comprehension to get us through troublesome occasions, including when we hit hindrances or rough fixes in our relationship, and if one thing ensured, is that you’ll hit a barrier or two when you’re in a significant distance relationship.

    Significant distance connections are difficult to maintain, and you’ll frequently find that for some explanation, your feelings will be running wild. You will have moments when you miss your better half-seriously, and you will have times when the intricacies of separation cause misconceptions and disappointments and questions. Significant distance connections can put a great deal of included pressure on a couple, thereby influencing their individual lives as well as the relationship. Therefore, it’s just that we’d go to our emotionally supportive network (specifically loved ones) for guidance and comfort.

    These are seasons of hardship when our hearts are delicate, and we miss the one we love beyond a reasonable doubt. These are the occasions when we anticipate that our family and dear companions should be there for us, to have our back and to offer comfort in times of dire need.

    Tragically, however, sometimes, going to loved ones to talk about your significant distance relationship just includes additional issues in with the general mish-mash. You should think before you share your personal insights regarding your LDR with your loved ones, and you should avoid their sentiments as much as possible.

    you can read this article : https://superwellnessblog.net/maintain-significant-distance-relationship/

    #361974
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for the long response, it helps make things a lot clear. People like you truly make the world a better place. I imagine if I knew you in real life I would bring you a bouquet of flowers, thank you for your generosity and we could enjoy a nice cup of tea together.

    I think my main reason for referring to him as a child was because during our time together he would throw little boy tantrums. For example, when he had more than one task on his plate he would get super frustrated and then take a nap to calm down. He would also attend his mom’s calls during our dates afraid she would suspect he is up to something….such strange behaviors from his part that I even felt then but ignored because I wanted to believe he was a genuine person. He also left a really well-paying job here to do a Masters that has left him in significant debt, so his actions although are calculated, they certainly not the wisest.

    He did tell me during his childhood he spent most of the time in his room, away from parents because he preferred that. He also told me I am the only one that has ever understood him and I know for a fact I was the only one who aside from his parents checked up on him and always cared for him. I guess the moments of good times we shared and his few acts of kindness and care made me still hold on to some fairytale but reading your post gives me so much clarity.

    When I am in doubt again and my heart needs a reminder I will look over all the things you wrote. As time passes, I am not even angry at him anymore rather I just feel sad to realize that there are such dishonest and unattached people in the world. I hope even he learns from this relationship and as I remember stuff he shared from his childhood I am even less angry. His childhood had struggles, similar to many of us and our childhood can tremendously shape us so no point in holding any anger. However, if he messages me once more I will block him because that is not fair to my healing process.

    I am going to focus on accepting reality, I fell for someone who was dishonest and a liar but my heart was pure, my intentions were good so I don’t have anything to feel guilty of.  I can cherish my qualities and hope to find someone that is more compatible, loving, and caring for me.

    Love,

    Noor

     

    #361975
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Patricia,

    Thank you for writing. Your post shares some interesting and important things for me to consider, I also appreciate the article you shared.

    I hope you enjoy the rest of your day 🙂

    #361978
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Noor:

    Your bouquet of flowers brought a smile to my face and having a nice cup of tea with you was most pleasant, thank you!

    I now understand what you meant by referring to him as a child, and it fits my understanding of him. It does not surprise me at all that although he is calculating, he is  also unwise. After all, he broke up with you, and that’s a most unwise move on his part.

    I am sure the two of you shared good, honest moments. It is a shame that overall he isn’t an honest man. Unlike in cartoons and some movies, where there are characters that are always good, and characters that are always bad, real people are not all one way or the other. Seeing the whole picture, the whole person, over time, and in different circumstances, is what’s needed so to evaluate a person as honest or not, empathetic or not.. an overall good person or not.

    Blocking him if he messages you again, or before he messages you again, is a good choice.

    “I fell for someone who was dishonest and a liar but my heart was pure, my intentions were good so I don’t have anything to feel guilty of. I can cherish my qualities and hope to find someone that is more compatible, loving, and caring for me”- beautifully said. It makes my day reading your words!

    Don’t be a stranger, Noor-  post anytime you feel like posting, if and when you do,  and I will be reply to you every time.

    anita

    #362025
    patrica
    Participant

    dear Noor, I think I help you a little..  wish you good luck

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