July 2, 2020 at 11:34 am #360283
Yesterday, some time after I posted to you last, I realized how unclear much of my post to you earlier was, the post before last. I didn’t present my thoughts clearly, and as I re-read my post, I got confused myself about what I was thinking at the time, when I typed away that post.
Next, I thought that I lost my chance to make a difference in your thinking about the relationship and about moving forward from it, because often I have only one chance to make a difference. So I thought about letting it go.
Next, I figured, I can post to you one more time, and if you don’t want to read it, you can choose to not read it. You don’t have to read it and you don’t have to respond to me. Therefore, here is my (hopefully) clarifying post to you:
When he told you that “his parents would never have a problem” and that they were “a VERY liberal.. family.. very accepting”, if he believed at the time that his family was indeed very liberal and accepting, and wouldn’t have had a problem if they knew about you being in his life, then he would have told them about you (because he believed, if he did, that they “would never have a problem”).
The facts that he didnt tell them about you, that he told you to be quiet when he communicated with them, the fact that he postponed telling them before he graduates from his Masters program, and that he told you to not be in his graduation ceremony because his parents will be there.. all these facts that you shared with me, indicate that he did not believe that they “would never have a problem” with you being in his life.
That he reassured you that his parents wouldn’t have a problem with you, means to me that he repeatedly lied to you: telling you something that he knew was not true.
You asked him the same questions over and over again, and he complained to you that you repeatedly asked him the same questions, but he didn’t bother to end your confusion by telling you the truth.
What is the truth: seems to me that the truth is that he was never committed to a relationship with you, that for whatever reason, he was not willing to seriously consider a long term, lifetime relationship/ marriage with you.
Here is something else that I want to add to what I believe the truth to be: for some reason you didn’t value yourself, you didnt esteem yourself enough to figure that there is no reason for you to chase him, no reason for you to invest much more than he invested, or to hope that he will become serious about you if he spent enough time with you, and if you will be perfect enough for him. For some reason, even though you stated that people told you that you are out of his league, you didn’t feel good enough for him.
Another thing: you kept asking him questions, kept taking his words as if they were the words of god, hanging on anything and everything he told you as if he was the Authority and you were small, looking up to authority/ god. But he was only a man and one who didn’t mind lying to you, repeatedly.
I want you to learn all that you can learn from this experience so that you will not look up to another man as if he was god, so that you will not consider anyone’s words as The Truth (including my words to you).
Find out the truth yourself, build confidence in your ability to evaluate information and figure out what is true and what is not true, and to figure out what a person says intentionally to deceive you (aka lies).
anitaJuly 2, 2020 at 11:10 pm #360328
I appreciate your re-writing because I find that it greatly helps enhance my understanding of the situation. I really did doubt my abilities, my qualities, and therefore, my self-worth in this relationship. I feel these things stem from some deeply rooted issues that I must learn to first deal with before moving on.
He called me yesterday, crying and saying he will try a little harder but does not know because again, he cannot stand how his parents are not talking to him clearly and are angry. He then called me this morning saying he just does not think they will change their minds…..but he can try but he does not know…..I again kept asking him that he is being unclear with me and I am now feeling very confused. He said he just does not know. I said I can’t keep going on with so much uncertainty….it is just not fair. I believe we ended things for the good and it hurts but I recognize slowly he was just not the person I truly believed him to be from the start. I have really learned now that it is always important to trust actions rather than just words.July 3, 2020 at 3:19 am #360335
Anita, it is the worst in the morning. I wake up feeling how could I have been so naive and blinded by such a person, I feel just plain stupid. It hurts because I am scared of moving on and falling blind again to such people. I definitely have learned some lessons from this but I still cannot comprehend how I never saw any of it coming, how I never recognized the red flags, why I kept going……
I wish there was a way to skip the mornings to midday where I am more motivated to focus on other things in my life. My days started with his msgs and calls….that is why the mornings are the toughest.July 3, 2020 at 6:01 am #360343
“He called me yesterday, crying and saying he will try a little harder but does not know.. he just does not think they will change their minds.. but he can try but he does not know”-
– He is presenting himself as a powerless, tragic victim of his parents’ control, as if he had nothing to do with the breakup.. as if he and you are both victims of his parents’ disapproval.
– He is talking from both sides of his mouth: he will try harder but he will try a little harder (not a lot harder), and he does not know.
Like I wrote before: he was hesitant about the relationship from the very beginning, this is why you were the one who invested much more in the relationship than he did. When he moved to the U.S. to study, he suggested that the relationship might not survive long distance (and therefore postponed telling his parents): I don’t think that his heart was ever fully invested in you.
“I recognize slowly he was just not the person I truly believed him to be from the start.. how could I have been so naïve and blinded by such a person.. how I never saw any of it coming.. why I kept going”- we humans have a tendency to see what we want to see, and close our eyes to what we don’t want to see, pretending it’s not there. We practice selective vision, selective processing of information: information we don’t like- we discard, information we like- we magnify and hold on to it.
“My days started with his msgs and calls”- here is what I suggest: send him a message telling him to not message or call you again until and unless he resolved his issues with his parents and is fully committed to a relationship with you. Not before. It is not fair to you that he messages you to tell you.. once again, that he will try a little, that he doesn’t know, crying.. it’s not fair to burden you with his tears when you are not the one who broke up with him. He who chose to break up with you, he choses to remain broken up.
It is time that your state of mind stops being a reaction to what he chooses to do, hanging on every word he says. It is time for you to act (instead of react), to choose (instead of being dependent on his choices). If you send him the message I suggested that you do, that will be an action and a choice on your part.
“I really did doubt my abilities, my qualities, and therefore, my self worth”- being the actor in your own life instead of a reactor; choosing instead of being dependent on someone else’s choices, will increase your confidence in yourself/ your self worth.
“I have really learned now that it is always important to trust actions rather than just words”- words are easy to say, take so little time and effort to say words, but actions, they take time and effort, so do focus on a man’s actions. Evaluate: what are his actions? Is there a fit between his actions and his words (does he walk his talk and talk his walk).
anitaJuly 3, 2020 at 10:10 am #360371BrandyParticipant
After reading your posts I’m relieved that you are not going to marry this man and into his family. As you struggle to make sense of all that has happened, try to recognize how valuable a learning experience this is. When we want so badly for a relationship to work it’s easy to overlook important clues that reveal a person’s true character. Thank goodness you are now seeing things more clearly: This guy is not who you thought he was.
Surround yourself with those who told you that you are out of this guy’s league. They’ll help you to see more, I’ll bet. Hang in there.
BJuly 3, 2020 at 11:51 am #360387
Thank you once again for taking the time to write. I really am done with this relationship and no longer care even if he wants to beg his parents which he never even will as overtime I realize these are just excuses, he is not worth it. I did tell him during our last phone call that it is over on my end so it does not matter to me if he does or does not convince his parents, I have ended things with him from my side and I told him. I can’t be in a relationship that has mentally drained me this much prior to his parents even knowing. I have accepted that this was not the guy for me and I am in the process of healing.
Thank you for replying! You are right, this is a valuable learning experience and I just have to try to see the positive in what happened. It can certainly be hard but definitely not impossible.July 3, 2020 at 3:46 pm #360433
You are welcome. Good to read that you are done with this relationship and congrats for ending things with him from your side. I will soon be away from the computer, but I may add a bit more when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now.
anitaJuly 4, 2020 at 7:28 am #360483
Again, I am glad to read everything that you wrote in your recent post- it is all healthy thinking on your part, as far as I am concerned. A word of caution: as time goes on, you will not feel as confident as you felt when you posted the above. Doubt is likely to creep in, sadness, confusion. When this happens relax best you can, take a walk outside, listen to relaxing music, or a relaxing guided meditation. And when you are calm re-read your recent post, or any part of your thread, so to return to your correct, healthy thinking such as you expressed so well in your recent post.
And feel free to post again, here, or on any other thread. I will be glad to read from you and reply whenever you post on any one of your threads.
anitaJuly 4, 2020 at 11:38 am #360539
You are right. As time passes, although I know I did the healthy thing by ending things on my part and trying to move on I still go through waves of intense emotions where I feel sad, angry, and most of all betrayed. I still can’t believe some people can be this way but I am still trying to focus on the learning point of this relationship. Anita, I feel it was still so easy for him to just forget or though that is what it seems like. I still can’t properly sleep knowing all the moments we shared and still mad at myself for choosing such a person. Anita, I can’t tell you the extreme measures I took for him, and to end up with literally nothing in return hurts. I am still trying to wrap my head around why I ever was with him in the first place and why I “chased” him. The more I think about my childhood and the relationships I have grown up seeing around me…the more I realize the things that had fogged my judgment…I just need to work on those.
This forum really helps. I have read so many threads and it gives me hope to see people that have gone through similar and even worse things but have overcome them. I just wish I stay strong to continue and fight the urge to contact him. My friends are now dating which is amazing, I am there listening ear but the more I hear about their dating life the more the memories of my ex engulf me and the harder it feels. Trying to take it one day at a time.
Thank you, Anita.July 4, 2020 at 11:41 am #360540
Anita, one thought I keep having is was I lacking something….could I have been better in any way for him to maybe fight….even just a little harder. I never had a relationship before and I truly believed he was “the one”….jokes on me. I am so scared to ever data again…..I don’t want to go through such feelings...I hate this feeling.July 4, 2020 at 1:21 pm #360548
You are welcome. “could I have been better in any way for him to maybe fight.. even just a little harder”- no, no, no, you were too good for him and you worked too hard.
“I can’t tell you the extreme measures I took for him, and to end up with literally nothing in return hurts”- see, you did a lot, and if you did more, or “better in any way”, you would still end up with literally nothing in return, and you would be in a worse shape than you are now.
You can recover, you can learn from this experience and move on to a healthy, loving relationship where he will do for you no less than you will do for him.
“I am still trying to wrap my head around why..”- don’t try to think too much and too hard at this time. This is the time for you to recover, not to exhaust yourself with difficult thinking. Over time, when you are rested, be it days, weeks or months from now, I can help you figure out why, right here on your thread. No need to rush.
July 4, 2020 at 10:27 pm #360569
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by anita.
Thank you for being so responsive…I really appreciate it. I need to just take some time and heal from this, I went through a really bad wave today of anger, sadness, and just the feeling of betrayal. I called him because I really could not resist the feeling but a part of me is a little happy because hearing the stuff he said on the phone…..the way he accepted the end of this relationship and made it very clear that “he does not care if he does not have a very loving married life…as long as his parents do not disconnect with him then he will be fine”... made it more clear in my head that he really is just all about himself and it does not matter who his potential life partner will be since he is very much okay with living the life his parents expect him to. I guess I do respect that, I respect his parents choice and their expectations from their only son, I just wish he had been honest since the very beginning.
Since this was my first love I thought this was it and it just had to work…..but my friends and family reassure me that first break-ups are always the worst but it does get better and slowly I will be able to accept that he was not the person I believed him to be or a person I want to marry. I remember he once told me adoption for him was out of the question and for me it is my dream to adopt kids…I can’t believe at the time I was even ready to compromise on that……this further shows me that we really were not meant for a future together. It’s like my mind knows and can rationalize the situation but my heart is the tough battle that I keep having to fight.July 5, 2020 at 7:58 am #360601
You are welcome. I like it that you want to adopt kids. My policy when I was younger was that if I was in the position to have children, I would adopt children that are already alive and have no home, instead of bringing new children into the world.
When you called him most recently, what he told you made it more clear in your head that “he really is just all about himself”- keep this clarity. Being all about himself means that he is not at all about you.
The more you adhere to this clarity, and the more you allow yourself to feel the sadness that comes with this clarity, the faster you will recover. Every time you feel confused/ your mind is foggy, and you need me to help you clear the fog, let me know, and I will do my best.
anitaJuly 8, 2020 at 3:58 pm #361061
It has been a little difficult lately….I am trying to just distract myself and be surrounded by loved ones. I have been focusing more on my professional growth but I just can’t help and miss that feeling of being in a relationship. As time passes, I do not miss him, rather it is the feeling of being with a person who I shared every little moment with. I had not even seen him since February so as much as I missed the physical closeness, for me it was all about emotional connectivity which I miss having the most. I live at home so it is hard to mask my emotions, my family is very supportive but I can’t help feel as if my emotions are also a burden that is making the environment more depressing.
I am trying to keep my busy and focus on other things in life that can and do bring me happiness, but it is like a void is still there. It was my first relationship so I do know how to enjoy life being single, but I still am craving that companionship.
I don’t know what to do.July 8, 2020 at 5:01 pm #361064
I appreciate your update, I was wondering how you were doing.
I understand you missing the emotional connectivity the most, feeling somewhat awkward at home, masking your emotions, feeling a void, “craving that companionship”.
The good thing is you can have what you crave, a lifetime of companionship with a man who will be right for you. It is only your first relationship. The second can be so much better.
If it helps you to unmask your emotions here on your thread, feel free to post here any time you want to, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.