I’ll definitely keep posting, what you said was very valuable, to remember that it was inflicted on you. Remembering how my childhood I see how that still affects me again even though I came out on top before, by having confidence in myself and fearing nothing. But this time around, my mind was turned against me, and sure enough the idea that I did something bad and the only way to fix it was dwell into my psyche, but really it was not a matter of morality or beliefs, it was anger consuming me and making me oblivious to what I was putting myself through, because I believe in myself to the point where I believed I could function on will power, confidence, H channeling my anger positively. That’s where I messed up, and it hurt, because I believed that the wrongs that happen to you are something you must know, but really, even things like that aren’t always something you’ll know clearly, thankfully I do, thankfully my life is something that I can coordinate, thankfully my mistakes are something I can bounce back from, thankfully I never lost faith that things will better, not today, not tomorrow, not next week, but I’ll never stop trying to make things better.
That song you listened to, Illusions, I think I understand what the man is saying. About “you,” that you don’t exist, but you do exist, which revolves around the theme of duality, that “you” don’t give approval to breathe, to think, for your heart to beat, that is not in your control. That doesn’t mean you are controlled by those things, because control is dominance, and your body, your mind, your soul, don’t control each other, they work together, you are you’re own union, the holy trinity. You can’t control or take control, only work together, and care for each aspect that makes you, you. So no, “you” don’t exist, just you.

Yelling, being on my toes, being talked down, judged, unsupported, being set up to fail. The fights weren’t the only thing but what are more prominent on my mind, they seem to be where I felt the most anxious and reflect in moments laying down and waking up to other noises and feeling anxious, as if something were to happen. It may be imaginary but I know it is a scar from what happened in the past, everything seems to be deeply raveled around hatred and anger. The cycle of hate and anger, of mental and emotional pain, depression and anxiety, weight and appearance, abuse of power, the cycle that continues every day, every week, every month, every year.

Often, I can remember two distinct memories where it first happened to get physical, both I was laying in a bed or watching tv, I didn’t know what to do, I was scared but I still got up to tell my dad. I was 12 at the time. Thing is anxiety never tested me in me the way it does now, I don’t know, it never got in my way like it does now.

I can’t relate to that, but I can relate and understand the way you explained the fight or flight response being bottled inside you, and as a reprecussion affected your body. Somehow, arguing and standing up for myself felt like a release, reading what you wrote solidified it . Screams and loud voices, fighting and demeaning words all made me feel anxious, with no release and no way to win or strength to fight back, I became self deprecating and my confidence was at an all time low, this carried on for years, but it never rose to question because I always had sources of happiness to look forward. Only as a teen was I able to really analyze and experience self inquiry, and I was able to change. But besides that, I have questions about anxiety, can it affect how you think, does it necessarily mean you’re afraid of something, and can it be wired in your brain?

It may be best to seek help. I feel the discomfort in certain areas like my eyes or jaw then I get anxious/panic about why it happened and who caused it, me or “me.” Me as in the involuntary, functional body that operates without my command. Or me, the conscious person that panics and starts to try and readjust what seems out of the normal due to the fear of things being bad or more than what I think. I feel the discomfort, and without an answer I continue to try and take control out of fear that I need to intervene because it was me. But I just remind myself that even if it’s me or just my body signaling something, it goes away naturally, and me trying to change or adjust makes it worse, so although I do put focus on it when I feel anxious, I know it’s real and I’m just making it worse.
By the way this just started happening, and I read up on overtraining, and I think that was the way in, I just need to find a way out, because if there’s a way in, there’s a way out.

The anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, how you obsessed, etc.

I agree.
I wasn’t trying to please my parents by not doing what I loved, I just felt like no matter what I did they would be there, my shadow. But this is behind me, I forgave them, and decided to lead by example.
Which comes to
Point B
Over the summer I felt the negativity again, self doubt crept in, and I turned inward to find the answer. Mixed with pain due to vision and anxiety due to fear of not knowing what’s happening to me, I ruminated daily, I questioned everything, at one point I felt like nothing, completely nothing, and that nothing had meaning because there would be something to question it soon after. I would type notes daily, but I found release by crying, accepting that I felt weak again, that was the first step I took to better myself. Everything I felt would go into questioning, I felt like I was going crazy. But throughout all that I craved my parents and their unconditional love I once felt as a child, and it helped, but I couldn’t shake the thoughts, and I went down a self destructive path to fight them, which gave them more power. Afterwards I applied methods used on people with OCD, because it did feel like that’s what it was, but it wasn’t as bad as other may have it. I accepted thoughts, and I acknowledged the anger I felt, that it wasn’t small, it was huge. I almost forgot to say, this all happened after I threw away the keys that my sisters boyfriend needed to go work because he came home drunk in the middle of the night, that’s also another big thing too, the hate I felt towards him for being a piece of shit. And that day my ego set in and made that that choice, and ever since that day things were terrible. Because that’s not me.