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Adam PParticipant
Hi there kdizzle,
If I can provide some science behind the whole trouble with relationships and young people is due to the fact even though you can drive at 16, vote at 18 and legally drink at 21, young adults are still developing their minds to their environment and surroundings. It is believed that the human brain (specifically the prefrontal cortex) does not fully mature until age 25/26. Before that young adults are figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world. Of course for some adults maturity takes a little longer, but on average that is the case. Throw in a complicated emotion and action of unconditional love and you have recipe for confusion and awkwardness. Just continue focusing on your job, activities/hobbies and growing yourself from within and eventually you will attract a guy who has been working on himself and the two of you will have a loving relationship where the two of you grow together with each of you bringing your talents and abilities to the relationship.
Thank You and Take Care
-AP85Adam PParticipantHi there Ramone,
It’s great to see that you are looking to improve and better yourself by removing the codependency from your relationships. One thing though I would like to point out from your opening post would be the fact that it will be difficult to free yourself from codependency if you are setting a “time period” in which you would like to be with this woman. I hope you understand this and not offended by this statement, but when you are working on yourself, that is exactly what it is. You are working on YOURSELF, on YOUR TIME. It seems as if you and Anita have already gone in depth with this conversation, but to drive the point home is that you are working to remove your codependency for you alone so that in the future you could possibly meet up with this woman again or you may even meet a better woman who has all the things in want in relationship and you can go forward with your life instead of improving yourself and then waiting on the side for this woman to improve herself. If that was the case, then all that self improvement work would be a waste.
Thank You and Take Care
-AP85Adam PParticipantExcellent response kdizzle,
Exactly what kdizzle said helping hand. It’s funny, your username is helping hand so it looks as if now is the time to help yourself. You may not know it now, but in my case, rejection has truly been projection. This in turn allows you to focus on yourself and work on your inner self so that you will become much more attractive not just for yourself, but for others around you. What also helps is stepping out of your comfort zone. Do something that scares you. Your future self will greatly thank you.
Thank You and Take Care
-AP85December 23, 2016 at 9:41 am in reply to: Alone for christmas again, any advice to stay positive? #123373Adam PParticipantHI there rosaly,
One suggestion that I can possibly make for you would be the fact that on Christmas Eve take a night stroll. If you are situated in one of the major cities of Brussels or Bruges, don’t be afraid to walk around the city center when night falls and everyone is inside their homes and the only people walking around are the churchgoers and last minute Christmas shoppers and just take it all in. I am aware that at first it might seem disheartening to see all the “happy” and “loving” families celebrating the holiday, but after some time when the crowds thin out and everything is quiet with the lights and decorations, it truly does feel like a silent night. Where you can stop and think/meditate over the things that you already have in life. Such as the excitement you have for your Christmas party with your friends. Guess what, for some people, they don’t even have that. There are homeless individuals out on the street and people living in the houses you pass by who have not moved on and are still haunted by their past or addictions.
Another suggestion would be to volunteer your time at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen( I’m not sure if that’s what they are called in Belgium).
Season Greetings!
Thank You and Take Care
-AP85Adam PParticipantIn one quick phrase: For survival reasons.
Humans have been conditioned to choose survival over truth. That is why you never read about our ancestors searching for truth because they were more concerned about fitting in with groups and hungering/gathering to survive the elements.
Thank you and take care.
-AP85Adam PParticipantMove on and take care of yourself and your niece. Your ex is just boomeranging herself back into your life due to the fact that things are not going pretty in her life and she has returned back to use you as an emotional crutch. Do yourself a favor and go back to living in the moment. It’s the same situation with food, if you are trying to lose weight and then you eat a big piece of cake or have fast food then how do you feel afterwards, disappointed and depressed. It’s the same thing only this time be strong and maintain no contact. If you maintain no contact, hopefully she will get the message and search for another victim.
Thank you and take care
-AP85Adam PParticipantHey JJC, how are things improving?
Adam PParticipantHey there Mr. Ritz,
I like to let you know that you’re not alone. I myself had this obstacle at a job I use to work at. He was my trainer and let me tell you my patience was put to the test. 8 hrs of trying to get my work done while playing 21 questions with him, listening to him whistle and sing until finally one day I ask him politely to stop singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Apparently I offended him because anytime I asked him a question or to review my work he would do it with a cold shoulder and little words. It was during that time I asked my supervisor to change my seat and my work improved greatly. What I learned and hopefully you have as well is that there are people out there literally walking around as hurt little children. There is nothing you can do to fix them, only improve yourself. Now before I left that job for a better opportunity, I made sure to acknowledge him and continued to thank him for his effort and I could tell from his voice he was sad to see me leave. My advice would be to relocate away from him, but make contact only when necessary and always end your conversation on a positive note; Thank you, I appreciate your work/effort, etc.
You can’t have a testimony without a test. I passed my test and tell of my testimony. I know you will as well.
Thank you and take care
AP85November 2, 2016 at 2:01 am in reply to: The PUA/Self Imrovement Community is making me depressed #119410Adam PParticipantHi there Tim,
First off congratulations on looking to discovering yourself and figuring out what you want in a relationship. As many people have already posted, it’s important what you want from a relationship. It seems from your original post that you would like a relationship with a woman who is kind, honest, caring and wants to be in a relationship where the two of you care for one another and have an enjoyable relationship together. Well if you want all of that in a relationship then you must first start working on yourself implementing those qualities into YOUR OWN Life first. I’m most likely the 1st person on this post to disagree, but it does not hurt to listen to the advice from the PUA community. By listen, I mean take the information with a grain of salt. You won’t be able to attract a healthy and happy relationship if you are not doing anything for yourself and not going/forming your own path in life. That includes enriching your life with many outstanding qualities and talents. Thus, you will be able to capture the attention of all the “women in the room” and then all that is left is to connect with a woman that you believe is a good heart and work on from there.
Thank you and take care
-AP85Adam PParticipantJJC really needs to surround himself around other men who have survived this similar trauma and first hand experience is key for JJC. This really is a case of “birds of a feather flock together”. In order for JJC to want to become healed from this traumatic experience he puts himself in the company or environment of other successful men. Thus prolonged exposure to the environment will “rub off” on JJC. I am aware from earlier posts that JJC has attended support groups, but it seems as if JJC needs greater exposure to the “successful side” of the trauma. His lady friend has been of great support, but there is only so much she can do to help.
It’s just as if someone wants to be musician or a chef, they will hang out with others in the recording studio or in the kitchen and work to build their talent. This is the same thing, only except applied towards emotions and feelings.
Thank You an take care
-AP85October 18, 2016 at 10:31 am in reply to: How to help my boyfriend realise he's ruining his life #118425Adam PParticipantAlavos,
Hey Netherlands, cool. I spent a few hours on a layover in Amsterdam from Schiplol airport almost ten years ago, beautiful city.
Anyway aside from that it looks as if you are on your own when it comes to dealing with your past. If the two doors from your past won’t open back up for you then the responsibility lies on yourself. The first person you need to start loving is yourself, plain and simple. Afterwards then you can occupy yourself with going to law school and babysitting this guy in your life. Yeah, exactly what I said you are his babysitter not girlfriend, not lover, there is a chance for friendship, but as of right now nope. I surprised law school has not given you the confidence and high self esteem to better improve your life, but I guess it’s true what they say, you can have a top job in society such as doctor, lawyer or engineer and still be sad.
Thank you and take care
-AP85October 18, 2016 at 6:05 am in reply to: How to help my boyfriend realise he's ruining his life #118415Adam PParticipantAlavos,
You hit the nail on the head when it comes to codependency. You do realize that your boyfriend is nothing more than an agent or representation for your alcoholic mother. I’m sure he is a good friend to you, but as for love this is more of a caretaker relationship. The reason you are afraid to leave him is because you are afraid of “running away from your mother” again, you understand. This pattern will continue until you put a stop to it. When you are not busy with your studies I would suggest going back in time and trying to sort things out with your mother and maybe even trying to connect with your biological father. Afterwards clarity becomes relevant and then self improvement appears. Once that happens you end up having little to no patience with those who continue to lower themselves, because you will be occupied with moving forward….becoming a successful lawyer.
Thank you and take care
-AP85October 17, 2016 at 2:25 pm in reply to: How to help my boyfriend realise he's ruining his life #118373Adam PParticipantHi there alavos,
Aside from your boyfriend listening to you when you need to how else does he love and appreciate you because from what I read it seems as if you are the one providing all of the love and support. After reading your story if I may say so if this is correct, do you actually enjoy taking care of him? It’s very similar to a mother trying to raise a teenage son who smokes. As the old saying goes, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Just make sure that this relationship does not take you away from your law career because if this path continues you just may be dragged down with him or in this case it may go up in smoke.
Thank you and take care
-AP85Adam PParticipantYes along with no contact, your ego will become more and more restless wanting to get in contact with your ex. As well your ego will want you to go no contact wanting to hurt/punish or seek revenge against your ex. The important thing to remember is to go no contact to better improve your well being and life. It will be difficult at first but in time the negative feelings will pass and life will improve with you getting better.
Thank you and take care
-AP85Adam PParticipantAnd how are we doing today healed man?
Or should I say JJC, correct? Whatever the username stands for, it’s good to see you did change it from a victim mentality to an improved state. Good to see things are coming along for you.
Thank you and take care.
-AP85 -
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