October 22, 2016 at 1:58 pm #118714
X04274108 – Thanks for your input. It seems that 7 months of input from your ex was enough to have a big impact on your well being. I’ve had 35 years of it with my wife. I have always been tolerant of other people’s shortcomings. Overly tolerant and I end up enduring pain as a result but it is much more than that, that troubles me.October 22, 2016 at 2:54 pm #118717
With regards to your recent questions….. my friend is of a similar age to me. She is vivacious, very well educated, financially independent, attractive, friendly, well liked… the list of positives goes on and on and there is an intense physical attraction on my part that is age defying. This is all true and not just my version. My analysis of the way I treat her and her obvious plus points makes me wonder why she puts up with me and why she has not moved on. I feel unworthy in many ways so I wonder what it is she sees in me as I have let her down in so many ways. Occasionally I have asked her what she sees in me and she points out how well we get on and how good things are between us when the going is good. This is true as things can be very special but it is a time-limited, long distance relationship so time together will inevitably be special. There have been many times we have broken up because of my inability to get away and those break ups have been for extended periods. Sometimes years, but we have always kept in touch on a daily basis. There is something special that has gone on for a very long time. The break ups have been because she has seen that I have chosen to stay with my wife…. but we got back together many times in the hope that I could leave…. and I don’t seem to be able to. We have gone around this cycle together many times. It seems that we both want to be together. She has been very understanding. More so recently as I have started to open up with her about the damage that has been done to me. She is becoming even more understanding having read some of our communications here, which I have invited her to read. Until recently, my psychological problem has been completely hidden but now we are talking about it, which is a step in the right direction.October 22, 2016 at 6:35 pm #118723AnonymousGuest
So your girlfriend is reading this as well? Hello JJC’s girlfriend: glad you are here!
I would like to share with the two of you then, my best understanding of JJC’s state of mind (been working on it for a while!)
When we get scared, we have two options: Flight or Fight. When these two options are blocked, Freeze is a temporary option. Freezing is not meant to be a long term solution.
In nature an animal, when faced with danger, feels fear and runs away from the danger; or it feels fear, then anger and it fights the danger. If the two options are not possible, it freezes, plays dead and hopes the danger will go away.
During Freezing, the animal, and the person-animal, is overcome with physical exhaustion, fatigue and cannot move, has no energy to move. Without any energy to move, the animal, indeed, remains immobilized, playing dead and the predator sometimes will let it go and move on. The animal awakens from its freeze and resumes normal activity.
In humans, when the predator (JJC’s wife) doesn’t move on, JJC remained frozen for too long. The brain and body is not equipped for prolonged freezing. Fear, if not directed into the movement of running away OR fighting, creates havoc in the brain/ body, causing illnesses, neurological disorders, and dysfunctions of many kinds.
This is not the whole story, but this is my understanding at this point. There is a way to … un-freeze and take on the Flight response.
anitaOctober 24, 2016 at 11:55 am #118833AnonymousGuest
A bit more of my understanding, shared with you in hope that it may be helpful to you at some time in the future. The following are quotes from your posts, which I went over yet again:
“I become particularly fearful and anxious with severe panic attacks when I leave or have serious intentions of leaving. The forces within me become overwhelming…It really is as if I am under her hurtful spell because that is what it feels like and it’s an explanation that fits many of my symptoms and actions. I can fully understand why some people might believe in witchcraft and evil spirits, as an explanation for such feelings and situations…Around 6 months ago I left for 4 weeks…. I’m not quite sure why I went back or how it really happened …To be honest it is all a bit vague …10/20: “Another day of emotional meltdown whilst trying to get away…Made it as far as the airport then froze. Whatever goes on inside me makes me both physically and mentally very unwell to the point I cannot operate as a normal and rational person…the only relief comes from not carrying out what needs to be done but the relief is very …This is very irrational behavior…Very bizarre…this feels to me like a very powerful spell that has been cast upon me… it really does feel very strange as if an external force is acting upon me that is emanating from my wife.”
The “forces within (you),” these “overwhelming” forces, that spell, that “external force” emanating from the wife and acting upon you (your words) is Nature. Nature affords animals three options when perceiving danger and feeling fear: Flight, Fight or Freeze. It is an instinct not different from what motivates bees to collect nectar. And it is Emotional, same as operates in a deer spotting a bob cat (Flight) or a grouse spotting a predator threatening its chicks (Fight).
In nature, there are circumstances where neither Flight or Fight are possible or are likeable to succeed. This is when an animal Freezes. When an animal freezes, it doesn’t choose to play dead. It doesn’t think: now, I will be quiet and pretend I am dead.
What happens, what must happen, is that the animal becomes overwhelmed with exhaustion, unable to move. What must happen is that all normal functions, like digestion, breathing, temperature regulation, blood sugar regulation, blood oxygen… all these either cease or slow down. Everything feels slow-motion, the brain is foggy (way less oxygen there). This abnormal function does feel indeed, abnormal, bizarre.
An animal doesn’t ponder about how bizarre it feels as it doesn’t observe itself. People do, you do: you feel so strange, we wonder: what is going on with me? Why do I feel like this.. how bizarre. And we get scared even more, because of this unusual biological and emotional experience.
This is not a spell or witchcraft; it is not a force that the wife exerts upon you. It is good-old Nature.
Your original user name was “Broken Man”- now, I think of you as a Frozen Man.
anitaOctober 31, 2016 at 7:53 am #119247
Any ideas as to how I become unfrozen would be much appreciated.October 31, 2016 at 9:20 am #119252AnonymousGuest
To become unfrozen:
Understand that the symptoms of Freezing, the exhaustion, heavy limbs, foggy brain, etc. are natural to Freezing and therefore will not kill you. As you experience those sensations, stay with the sensations and become familiar with them, as in: “Oh, this exhaustion means I am Frozen. It will not kill me. This is natural. It happens to all animals that Freeze in nature. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me.”
Yes, yes, and of course, yes, I know this is easier said than done but it is possible, over time, to do just that. No need to wait to the time when you attempt another escape to do this. Pay attention now, when you do feel those sensations, and practice now: notice this and that sensation, stay with the sensations, build your trust that you will indeed survive them, that however uncomfortable, these will not kill you.
Once you build that trust, your fear will diminish and you will be unfrozen.
So notice NOW, daily. Practice daily and over time…
anitaNovember 16, 2016 at 7:56 am #120483Adam PParticipant
Hey JJC, how are things improving?November 16, 2016 at 8:24 pm #120527
Thanks for checking in. Things are improving in that my wife’s behaviour has improved a lot over the last several months. The horrible personality is much more under control but it doesn’t heal the damage that was done over a prolonged period. I’m still stuck trying to get out and torturing myself with such thoughts. They bring a smile to my face when they are just thoughts and dreams but trying to act on them sends me into a very dark and horrible mental state. Why I end up in such a state is beyond my understanding but it is definitely connected with going up against her and her arsenal of abusive behaviour and manipulative tactics. The honest reality is that I can”t stand the sight of her so why I am stuck is a mystery. Psychological control is an extremely powerful phenomenon once it has becomes firmly imprinted and it was the aggression that caused the imprinting to take place. I continue to educate myself and look for ways to repair the damage.November 17, 2016 at 8:41 am #120576AnonymousGuest
What I already suggested to you was of no help to you. There is one possible solution that neither did I nor did anyone else here suggested to you, so I will here:
Stop wanting to get out of this marriage. Give in to it. Relax into it best you can. Clearly wanting to get out of it for thirty five long years has produced zero results.
Sometimes it makes sense to give up and give in. This may be best for your well being, in the absence of any success otherwise.
anitaNovember 18, 2016 at 10:24 am #120656vanettaParticipant
Hi there JCooper,
2nd time writing a reply because I’m not a techy person, I have to be honest and tell you that I could only read 3/4’s of your story because I could feel myself reliving what you are going through. It has only been 2 weeks that after 15 yrs and 10 being so cruel, horrific, infact I had to reseach to see if “any-one” can have no conscience? I lived in a isolated area on 11 arces and 2 ponds with a 10 sleeper camper with a fire pit, not one single time did he want to nor help me cut wood how ever on that note I really do not think I would be here if I did not have that precious spot that I went to to cry or have a emotional breakdown in private! I am so thankful for the crisis team as they would come any place anytime to see me, 3 of them taking the time to her my sorrows. I held back alot to call them because I once volunteered for 10 yrs and did public speaking then got a job with the schoolboard so anyone who gives time without a price are the most thoughtful people in the world. My husband had total control of every single thing’ and like before you know it years “sad” yers have passed. The most heartbreaking thing about this is the amount of friends that KNEW what was going on but never said a thing because I was so high on life before meeting this man, in the beginning I lived in the City and had a open door for people and made beautiful friends old and new. My 2nd husband came from a much higher end of Ont. where as he put it “Big is better” well he moved in and sold his house but 1st I have to tell you this part, “before he was thinking of moving in, I knew in my heart that we are from 2 different worlds and I was very open and honest and said to him, Listen, you come from some thing I never had nor want and I think it would be better if we are friends” he would not hear of it “truth was’which came yrs later to myself was “lust”, that thing that never last and the even sadder part was I have 3 beautiful son’s and a foster daughter, I am far from a professional in any of this, “but” my son’s have suffered even though they are adults and now 2 moved in here with me, a renting house because he had control of all the assets “well” put it this way he always was and is a “narcissist” infact he told me he was thinking of buying a
house, “wow”, because everyday was empty so was my drive for life, “why” I asked myself, because after he moved it was not long we moved to a upscale house in my smaller City but as I showed my son’s, (this was cute) he said mom, they don’t do toast on this Street
, they do crumpits!! Oh Boy, that big house lasted 1 year and then he talked me into the country so that is how that came about and the the 407 took our house and it pushed us into a more secluded part. I can only speak of what I have learnt and that is there are very cruel people out there and it is hard is your natural DNA is a loving and giving person does not realize this, and I also towards the end shut every single person out of my life because I felt abused by them for not even saying “HEY” you need to talk no after I could no longer put a false front on from the “use to be” entertaining, allowed parties down at the water” and always asked if it was
okay as well hoping maybe he would come down but “know know” he would wait for them to go say “hi” and I know THEE only reason they never asked me if “I” was okay was because he always had pot and I learnt that meant more than me. Yeap, I stopped and changed my number and menatlly shut down, infact he did not pack one single box myself and son counted the boxes I packed it was 148 and he moved to his new place and I stayed at our old house to clean it and slept on the floor along with my son, who is a absolute mess as they seen and they are not agressive but it hurt them, I am only 5’1 at 110lbs and managed that whole property except he would cut the grass on the rider. I became a subservient wife over the years. The most important thing that I hope if anything you get to read this:
I feel your pain and even though I am on my own I am a broken down person still, and I am so afraid to let my son’s see me cry because I don’t want them to think I am not happy “BUT” I am not” it got to a point where you doubt your very own existent, so I am still broken, I have anxiety and when I want to break down, I lie to the kids and pretend to make it like we need some thing so they will go out. Please, even though I am still stripped of “who was I’?, maybe and hopefully when you walk away you will gain your old self back and I will pray for that!! Spoken with truth VNovember 19, 2016 at 10:51 am #120726SunnysideParticipant
Hi there! 8 have read your post as well as all of the comments. I am not a professional. However very intrigued and willing to to attempt to help. I’m trying to make sure I have the timeline correct. You met your special lady friend 10 years after your marriage? Is that correct? Also prior to meeting her did you have anyone you could confide in?November 19, 2016 at 11:20 am #120727CrystalParticipant
This poster is not looking for help. He’s looking for confirmation that his wife is indeed a psychotic bitch that needs to be institutionalized. That’s my take anyway. I’ve read every post and comment and Anita has made some very good points about this man. He says he was happy before his wife and in a good place and was a confident man. I call bullshit. No confident person in their right mind would follow such a trainwreck. There is something deep down and emotional keeping him tethered to this marriage and I think he enjoys it.
Listen JJC…you get ONE freaking life on this planet and you have withered it away with this miserable human being you call your wife. You could even have 30 good years left with your girlfriend but you choose not to. That is your own fault. No one makes choices for you; only you are responsible for your life and your future. Do you really want to be lying on your death bed with your wretched wife next to you yelling at you not to die “or else”?!? Lol. Seriously…you would finally feel sweet relief by dying so you wouldn’t have to put up with her any longer.
What can anyone here even tell you that would even help?? Do you even know what personal responsibility is? This is your life, not your wife’s and not your girlfriend’s. It literally seems like it’s the only thing you are in charge of. STOP whining, it’s not endearing. Stop withering in your own dispair and grow some balls. You’re like my mother continuing to stay with my dad even though he blinded her in one eye and stabbed her in the back of her hand with a hammer. YOU control your destiny. Do something about it. If you don’t, just picture your funeral. Dead with nothing in your life to show for.November 19, 2016 at 12:03 pm #120732KittParticipant
I am going to keep this as short as I can cause I am in the same situation as you. But unlike you, my situation did escalate after 25 years of intense abuse. I almost got beaten into the hospital and am now (on top of all my other mental problems) also suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
I will now answer your question “When is this nightmare going to end?”. The only answer I have for you is: get out. Grab all your things, don’t tell her where you are going, and leave. Cut all your ties with her. Don’t let anyone know where you are going and just go as far away as possible.
If you want to know what happens when you don’t do this look up “narcissistic personality disorder”. There are a million stories out there on the internet about people stuck in relationships like yours. Narcissists are mentally ill and won’t ever recover. They are emotional vampires. You think that things are alright for a while but then everything will go back to how it was before. Do not fall for this, please. I know how difficult it is and you keep telling yourself things will change but I am here to tell you that your brain is lying to you. Nothing is going to get better around her.
You need to leave.
I would love to go into more detail but I don’t want to waste your time as my only response is: LEAVE. Just leave. Please. You owe it to yourself to leave. Do not listen to the people who say you have to talk to her or that you have to work on yourself and godknowswhat. No. Her brain is sick. She is not capable of love. Again, look up “narcissistic personality disorder” and you will understand.
If you want someone to talk to: blinding–@outlook.com
I wish you the best of luck.November 19, 2016 at 12:20 pm #120733TiniaParticipant
I have been through two very similar relationships, right down to getting angry about gifts, an affair with someone who loved me, and her ruining our holidays. The main difference is I refused to allow myself to put up with it, so they were far shorter.
How did I get over it? You have incredible insight, but in my opinion need to tell yourself this and realise it’s true.
Your wife doesn’t love you or care about you in the slightest. If you die tomorrow, or got sick with cancer, it would still be all about her. The nice side of her that you fell in love with never existed – you fell in love with an illusion, and one she still rolls out occasionally I would imagine.
If you can accept and understand that this woman doesn’t love you, but more importantly doesn’t CARE about you, then the next logical step is to realise what a fool you are to hang around.
You might be able to ask yourself why you would you stay with someone who doesn’t care?
The reason I think I know you haven’t accepted the simple and obvious fact she doesn’t give a toss about you in the slightest, is because you’re still trying to rationalize her behaviourin terms of how you, or a normal caring human being might behave. She isn’t normal, or caring. That side of her is entirely phoney.
She can and never will realise or admit what she has done. Trying to talk to her is a fools errand, she isn’t capable of understanding you or seeing things from your point of view, nor does she even want to. She will not even see you as a human being, and is far too busy worrying about herself and her own world to care in the slightest about you and yours.
As far as this other woman goes, you’ll never be happy with her either, if you would be, you’d be with her. You will forever associate her with your wife, and it will always cause you anxiety. Finding someone new has never been an effective way for me to get away from an abuser.
You need to read this message, and leave right now. Don’t waste another minute on this psychopath. You will never ever get the sorry you are yearning for, unless it’s as a way to manipulate you. This woman will never change, she is who she is. So, walk out the door right now, go to the bank, draw out some money, and go on a holiday to France immediately. You are a free human being, and you were born to do as you please. Leave this woman, remain single for as long as possible, and never ever let another woman have this level of control over you ever again.November 19, 2016 at 11:47 pm #120759
Sunnyside, As regards the timeline your understanding is not exactly right but close enough. To be more precise, the 10 year gap is the time difference between when I met my wife and when things became intimate with my friend. I didn’t marry my wife until after a couple of years and didn’t start the other relationship until a few years after we met. Consequently, the timeline between when I got married and when the affair started is probably around 6 years give or take a little. As regards your other question about confiding in someone, this is something I have never really done and have always kept problems to myself. Only recently have I started to open up a little as I have been overwhelmed and recognise how bad things became in terms of my mental state.