Hi there Ramone,

It’s great to see that you are looking to improve and better yourself by removing the codependency from your relationships. One thing though I would like to point out from your opening post would be the fact that it will be difficult to free yourself from codependency if you are setting a “time period” in which you would like to be with this woman. I hope you understand this and not offended by this statement, but when you are working on yourself, that is exactly what it is. You are working on YOURSELF, on YOUR TIME. It seems as if you and Anita have already gone in depth with this conversation, but to drive the point home is that you are working to remove your codependency for you alone so that in the future you could possibly meet up with this woman again or you may even meet a better woman who has all the things in want in relationship and you can go forward with your life instead of improving yourself and then waiting on the side for this woman to improve herself. If that was the case, then all that self improvement work would be a waste.
Thank You and Take Care
-AP85

HI there rosaly,

One suggestion that I can possibly make for you would be the fact that on Christmas Eve take a night stroll. If you are situated in one of the major cities of Brussels or Bruges, don’t be afraid to walk around the city center when night falls and everyone is inside their homes and the only people walking around are the churchgoers and last minute Christmas shoppers and just take it all in. I am aware that at first it might seem disheartening to see all the “happy” and “loving” families celebrating the holiday, but after some time when the crowds thin out and everything is quiet with the lights and decorations, it truly does feel like a silent night. Where you can stop and think/meditate over the things that you already have in life. Such as the excitement you have for your Christmas party with your friends. Guess what, for some people, they don’t even have that. There are homeless individuals out on the street and people living in the houses you pass by who have not moved on and are still haunted by their past or addictions.
Another suggestion would be to volunteer your time at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen( I’m not sure if that’s what they are called in Belgium).
Season Greetings!
Thank You and Take Care
-AP85

Move on and take care of yourself and your niece. Your ex is just boomeranging herself back into your life due to the fact that things are not going pretty in her life and she has returned back to use you as an emotional crutch. Do yourself a favor and go back to living in the moment. It’s the same situation with food, if you are trying to lose weight and then you eat a big piece of cake or have fast food then how do you feel afterwards, disappointed and depressed. It’s the same thing only this time be strong and maintain no contact. If you maintain no contact, hopefully she will get the message and search for another victim.
Thank you and take care
-AP85

Hey there Mr. Ritz,
I like to let you know that you’re not alone. I myself had this obstacle at a job I use to work at. He was my trainer and let me tell you my patience was put to the test. 8 hrs of trying to get my work done while playing 21 questions with him, listening to him whistle and sing until finally one day I ask him politely to stop singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Apparently I offended him because anytime I asked him a question or to review my work he would do it with a cold shoulder and little words. It was during that time I asked my supervisor to change my seat and my work improved greatly. What I learned and hopefully you have as well is that there are people out there literally walking around as hurt little children. There is nothing you can do to fix them, only improve yourself. Now before I left that job for a better opportunity, I made sure to acknowledge him and continued to thank him for his effort and I could tell from his voice he was sad to see me leave. My advice would be to relocate away from him, but make contact only when necessary and always end your conversation on a positive note; Thank you, I appreciate your work/effort, etc.
You can’t have a testimony without a test. I passed my test and tell of my testimony. I know you will as well.
Thank you and take care
AP85

JJC really needs to surround himself around other men who have survived this similar trauma and first hand experience is key for JJC. This really is a case of “birds of a feather flock together”. In order for JJC to want to become healed from this traumatic experience he puts himself in the company or environment of other successful men. Thus prolonged exposure to the environment will “rub off” on JJC. I am aware from earlier posts that JJC has attended support groups, but it seems as if JJC needs greater exposure to the “successful side” of the trauma. His lady friend has been of great support, but there is only so much she can do to help.
It’s just as if someone wants to be musician or a chef, they will hang out with others in the recording studio or in the kitchen and work to build their talent. This is the same thing, only except applied towards emotions and feelings.
Thank You an take care
-AP85

Alavos,
You hit the nail on the head when it comes to codependency. You do realize that your boyfriend is nothing more than an agent or representation for your alcoholic mother. I’m sure he is a good friend to you, but as for love this is more of a caretaker relationship. The reason you are afraid to leave him is because you are afraid of “running away from your mother” again, you understand. This pattern will continue until you put a stop to it. When you are not busy with your studies I would suggest going back in time and trying to sort things out with your mother and maybe even trying to connect with your biological father. Afterwards clarity becomes relevant and then self improvement appears. Once that happens you end up having little to no patience with those who continue to lower themselves, because you will be occupied with moving forward….becoming a successful lawyer.
Thank you and take care
-AP85

Yes along with no contact, your ego will become more and more restless wanting to get in contact with your ex. As well your ego will want you to go no contact wanting to hurt/punish or seek revenge against your ex. The important thing to remember is to go no contact to better improve your well being and life. It will be difficult at first but in time the negative feelings will pass and life will improve with you getting better.
Thank you and take care
-AP85