Buddha taught that we all have ignorance, right? You made promises with less knowing, understanding than you have now… be unbound, dear sister, don’t spin with regret. Maybe the lesson is to make less promises… less intentional binding of who you think you’ll be tomorrow. Remember, no self, so who promised, exactly?

M,

I’ve been on both side of your situation, and can say that distance and time does a lot to heal us. Its tough to go from romance to friendship… too many blurry boundaries and vibrant memories. As they fade, such as he gets a few relationships behind him, and so do you, perhaps it will be easier. For now though, its seems like its time to focus on you, cry your tears, put yourself back together as “Single M”, re-calibrate where you want to take your life. The “pull” to his side is well intentioned, wanting him to be happy, to feel better, and whatnot, but consider saying “not mine”, and letting those thoughts go. For now. Too seductive, too ripe with romantic attachment/aversion/habit.

This is a great big world, dear sister, what’s next? What horizon calls to your heart?

With warmth,
Matt

Rewa,

You don’t produce karma in others,the guru didn’t get mad because of you, those were seeded by his/her own mental formations, attachments. If your river is asking you to disrobe, disrobe. Other people will do what they do, think what they think, but it doesn’t sound like you’re happy as a nun. That matters,perhaps most. Consider that Buddha felt a similar restlessness, left the life he was living, and went in search of the dharma. Its OK to do the same, its your life.

On the other hand,if you can breathe through your painful thoughts and feelings, perhaps you can see that they’re empty? The beehive on your shoulders all stirred up by illusions? Drop them, look around, what do you want? Follow that! Desire doesn’t extinguish by suppression.

With warmth,
Matt

What comes to heart for me:

1) Don’t be afraid to post, dear friend. Even if your neighbor asked the same question, sharing often helps with the stress. We’re a community, and do our best to share space and ideas with everyone.

2) Don’t feel constrained… let your heart be free. Speak out, speak up… what’s going on? Own it! Whats there? If you’re scared to share where you’re really at, read through some past posts… let other’s courage to pour out the grit and beauty of their difficulties inspire you to jump in. Lots of huggers around here, bold but respectful.

3) Take everything with a grain of salt. Lots of views, beliefs, and attachments in most of us. We do our best, but always check it against your heart, make sure it feels right to you. Test, inquire, reject, research, argue, sit, digest. Inquire patiently, intrepidly on how to grow the path you wish to walk. What seeds produce what fruit? Tiny Buddha has a lot of great articles, which you can always bookmark, print, reread as needed. Same with threads.

4) Nurture nurture nurture. Its a busy world, yep. But we have to take time to unwind. Meditation is a supercharged version of self nurturing in my opinion… but if it doesn’t interest you, at least turn the TV or iPod to something gentle. Busy busy busy can get heavy heavy heavy. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube is a great jumping in point.

5) You are a phoenix. No matter how low we feel, harmony is all around us, peace available, in our nature. We all have limits… our genetics, history (and how much of it we have behind us), various baggage, afflictions, status. Don’t be ashamed of who you’ve been, who you are, no matter how lost, confused, or downtrodden. Mistakes are lessons, and we can learn and move on. Most fail at love and balance a few times before finding their groove. Some of us more than a few. 🙂 As we learn to sing our song, and sing out with all our heart, from the ashes of the grief flows a patient resolve to grow in the direction we wish. To dream a better dream, and then work to see the dream grow. Remember we stand on the shoulders of giants, so our successes and failures don’t really land on “us”, its a creation.

6) Don’t fall for “breakthrough, whews”, such as “ahhh, now I’m free” or “I R enlightened”. Everything cycles, and those cycles grow or erode. Not “oh, now I feel better about my exboyfriend, I’m healed, whole”. Those are more like suppression, impatience. Instead, try “I’ll cry when I’m sad, scream when I’m enraged, and try to open the space around my sorrow, anger, delusions, hatred etc”. If it feels sticky, find some stuff to do. With friends, if you have some, family, alone, or whatever feels right. Nature works for me, so does art… but what makes your heart sing? And when you do it, make an effort to let go. Don’t stew, instead, get into the present. What’s there? What do you see? Feel the air, see the art, hear the birds. Small steps, patient, consistent.

7) Forgive early, be proactive. Someone bugging you? Send them love in whatever way feels right. White light, good vibes, chi, prayers, metta. Its not a gift we give to them, its a gift we give to ourselves. When we forgive, we disentangle. Even if its just the hope of a future forgiveness, let the seeds stay present. It keeps the grief from festering. Such as “OK, I accept I’ll forgive that someday, but right now, I’m too angry/hurt/confused/bitter/sad.” Don’t force it, suppress, or invalidate your pain, but do try to remember we’re all bumbling around in the dark, with imperfect maps, childhoods, and each deserve a chance to find happiness. Even that bastard that cheated/punched/dumped you. And especially for ourselves, mistakes, self flogging, addictions. 🙂 Compassion grows as we practice, and freedom is the fruit. We keep the memories of perfectly imperfect dances, but peaceful… without the gut punch.

8) Don’t be afraid to get professional help. People sometimes feel a stigma, as though only people that are “crazy” need help. Not so. Life can be confusing for all of us, and finding help in untangling our issues is wise. Be raw, honest, courageous, and patient. Dont go in with “fix me”, rather “can you help me change the course of my ship”.

9) Put in the effort. There is a spacious joy that flows with us when we accept the work ahead of us, and try to apply our light onto the canvas. Behind a desk, a counter, a stroller, with a therapist, on a cushion, with a box of tissues, whatever… if we accept what’s there, and settle into it, breathe, our curiosity has space to blossom.

10) Don’t forget to play. Laugh loud and often, find beauty in the small things, and don’t take yourself too seriously. Its only life. 🙂

Good luck, and namaste. Feel free to “@” any of us in a thread if you’ve resonated with something we’ve said, want our take on a story, or if you want to hug/share/vent/inquire/help. Click on any profile, and you’ll see @user. I’m @amatt for instance.

With warmth,
Matt

Susan,

Beautiful, soulful, and rich with sorrow and loss. You’re a gem, dear sister, may your inner self find its smile brightening day by day.

Good luck with the “stuff” exchange… don’t forget to shower after all that heavy lifting!

With warmth,
Matt

Big Blue,

Your format is a challenge!

1) The sperm always chases the egg, its by design. Consider instead not releasing the sperm until you’re in the bedroom. Not getting so ensnared by her charms that it produces agitation, chasing, yearning, wishing. Save the investment, in that way, until you’re both ready, open. Then its “what do we wish to grow?”

2) Connecting with her heart is more about listening than chasing. When we listen, aiming is easy, doesn’t feel like a chase. More like following heartfelt inspiration, with the hope, but not expectation, of it being received well, as intended, with that smile as a reward.

3) Consider a tit for tat strategy. If you communicate, and she doesn’t, wait. Let it be an exchange, don’t press. If her heart is in tune with yours, she’ll want to respond, offer her side back. Maybe a couple attempts initially, so you can be confident you’ve tried your best to share your desire to know her better, share a dance… but not habitually. If she doesn’t respond or plays hard to get? Move on, who needs games? Intimacy is tricky enough.

With warmth,
Matt

Inky,

Then why do your smiles come out with the aggression of bared teeth? I think you’re great. God and I are buddies. Goddess and I are buddies. Said differently, huh? Projection? You brushed your teeth long ago, I’m over it, are you? You’re a staaaaaaaaaaaar.

Sometimes a sheep has a wolf inside, and sometimes a sheep really is a sheep. Baaaahhh. Your call, sister. I’m your fan either way. Go Team Inky!

With warmth,
Matt