More like “of the call” IMHO.

Karen,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the intensity of pain when dreams collapse suddenly. The heart isn’t through loving, and yet the circumstances change rapidly, leaving an incredible tension… feelings wild, bouncing between longing and hatred, shame and love, and the anger…. whooo doggy, the anger. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that your heart suffered a wound, and as it bleeds, thoughts and emotions spring out, blerting as pressure builds. The phone call, vindictiveness, wanting him to “pay”. All normal, usual, and nothing to be ashamed of. It reminds me of one of those cooking shows, where people are given weird ingredients and told to make something gourmet. You have a bunch of crap ingredients, and so don’t be harsh with yourself for what comes up. You’re OK, dear sister, from crown to root… and perhaps with some strategies, you can stop this pain dead in its tracks. Frankly, your tender heart has been through enough bullshit because of its connection to him.

Consider a zen-like approach to your pain. Perhaps you’ve noticed that as the feelings build, it is like a pressure inside. Much like needing to throw up after eating some bad chicken, sitting with the rotten pieces he offered you builds up a pressure. Instead of vindictive behavior, such as more face booking (genius by the way, though a little cruel, understandably) or phone calls… consider laying in bed,burying your face in a pillow and screaming. Flail your arms and legs, curse, wail. Get it out, don’t let his shit wind you up…his lack of tenderness,honesty, compassion… suddenly dropping you like you don’t matter, sexing his wife the whole fucking time… its bullshit. Instead of cycling with it, get it out. Not “poor me”, not “I’m so ashamed”… but “alright universe, I’m done with this shit, take it back! Ahhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh. Out! Out! Not mine!”

If you really let your body get into it, the pressure will go, and you’ll be left with your grief. The tender maiden, longing for her prince, finding out he was a villain the whole time. That part of you needs gentle care. Bathtub time,with candles and soft music. Walks in nature, letting momma earth reach out to you through her trees and birdsong and water, comforting her daughter. Slowly, delicately, like a tree shedding leaves in the fall,the pain of heart will fall away from you, and there you will remain, shining. Said differently, of course it hurts, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. Matters of heart are tricky, and you did the best you could with the information you had. Don’t let his karma, his choices, taint your self image. You’re very clearly, obviously, beautiful, and even at your worst, when your pain was deepest, your choices reflect a deeply loving being. Amazing.

Namaste, dear sister, may your heart heal well as the tears and minutes fall behind you.

With warmth,
Matt

Misha,

In addition to the other kindly advice, consider that all of us make mistakes, and feel crappy from time to time. The problem isn’t the icky feelings, those happen to us all. The problem is you think the icky feelings make you unlovable, such as “that part of me doesn’t deserve tenderness, I must stamp it out to be good enough for him.” False, garbage, old pain. Instead, consider that your boyfriend loves you, and when you feel crappy, rather than want to dump you, he wishes to hold you, help you remember that you’re loved. You poop and fart and sneeze, all lovable, all part of your beauty. You rise and fall, happy and sad, laughter and tears, all part of your beauty. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

Consider a few different paths. One, consider reading some of Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and shame. She really is a great light for those who become scared certain parts of themselves make them unlovable. Two, consider admitting you’re lost when you’re lost, such as “wow, dear boyfriend, I am feeling disconnected and unloved, would you reach out with your tender heart and comfort mine? Remind me of my beauty?” If he wants to help, but doesn’t know how or when, it can really help him help you if you own up to your feelings and submit them for healing into the relationship.

Finally, often times we can begin to think there is something wrong with us when we’re just a little stressed. It creeps up on us,such as being fine for a few days, then a pair of late night caffeine driven study sessions, and low and behold we’re feeling unlovable again. All normal, part of learning how to take care of ourselves. When we sleep when we’re tired, eat when we’re hungry, laugh when we’re happy, and cry when we’re sad… the self-conflict drops. Said differently, if you push too hard at being happy, stable, “not crazy”, you’ll just be conflicted, self contentious. When we accept “sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m crazy, sometimes I’m hungry, sometimes I’m full”, then its no big deal. Sad? Cry, or ask for a hug. Hungry? Eat. Tired? Sleep. Not “why do I have to be hungry, it sucks” or “why do I have to feel so down, it sucks”. The former way sees our needs met, while the latter makes us feel guilty for being full of needs.

Namaste, dear sister, may your contention unravel into self knowing.

With warmth,
Matt

Lorraine,

Its very common to form deep attachments to our first romantic love… it usually happens when we’re children, deeply ignorant of the painful aspects of love. This leads to a dream-love, or an infatuation with the idea of a person, instead of the person. Consider, you describe this man as your prince charming (in your heart), even though he sounds like he acted more like a villain in your story. Said differently, sometimes we fall in love when we’re young, more vulnerable, and beings that haven’t earned our tender attentions somehow get them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you really dodged a bullet by not marrying that guy. He sounds codependent, wishy washy, and adulterous. Charming, but more pathological than heartfelt. Sure, he may have wined and dined you, played a good boy for a few days while visiting, but then sleeping around and betraying your connection while you were at the other coast. Dispel the dream, dear sister, he ain’t no prince.

For the emotional outbursts that overwhelm you, consider a mantra of letting go. “May whatever karma that remains between us be settled, may we be free. I forgive him for any actions, thoughts, or desires that have lead to either of us suffering. I forgive myself for any actions, thoughts or desires that have lead to either of us suffering. May I be free.” Wield this kind of thought against the anger, grief, and with time it settles. The most difficult part of grief is keeping away from lamentation, such as “poor me, I’ll never, I’ll always”, so its good to let the tears flow, but hold our head high and let the pain settle, the past settle. That’s when our tears become more joyous. “Yes, I’m sad, and what a sadness!”

Finally, consider surrendering your difficulties and issues into a tender hearted conversation with your husband. Here and now, this ex-boyfriend has pressed hard into your heartsong, and if you can share it with your husband, asking for help, perhaps his tender attentions will remind you that some dreams fade, but better dreams grow from their ashes. Perhaps ask him to rub your shoulders, feet, or lower back, or take you out dancing. Something that you really want, need, but have been hesitant to ask. Now’s a good time! Let your husband show you why your heart chose wisely, and the fear may open up into relief and laughter.

With warmth,
Matt

Sassy,

Yep, you’re a fool. Not in the sense of being stupid, clearly that’s not true. Instead, you sound like a tarot fool, the curious traveller that follows her heart but doesn’t pay close attention to the signs of an impending cliff. “Aw, no, that can’t be it”.

And now, grief. That rug pulling stinks, and can really knock the wind from our heart. Consider, however, that you learned a lot of wonderful things about yourself… what you liked, what you want, what you’re looking for. Its not much of a sliver lining at this point, but as the grief settles, you’ll be primed to attract another dance partner when you’re ready… and with more self knowing, its easier to grow a garden you enjoy.

With warmth,
Matt

Cameron,

Thanks for the kind words! Its good to keep our attention on our own heartsong when dancing with others. Question, examine, explore, accept, reject, ignore… as we follow what feels right, the heart grows wise. Welcome back!

With warmth,
Matt

Chloe,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why relating to men can be problematic. There you are, sitting with a radiant sun of love for someone, and bite your tongue, clamp it down. Hah, safe to express that? Puh-lease, and risk rejection? And, is he even interested? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that dad on the couch is like him in hunter mode. Emotions set aside, looking elsewhere, for game, food, stress relief, whatever. When your obvious needs came up, he’d put you on his task list, which is awesome of him, but still, always looking elsewhere, not really taking the time to see you.

And that was wrong of him, your tender heart needs to know it is cared for, seen, heard, known… and were he perfect, he’d set down the remote, the spears, stop hunting, and just come home and play. If only being a parent gave us an automatic map, it would be easier… but parents are just who they are.

The good news is, you’ve seen the pattern in yourself, which means you’ll break through soon(ish) :). It’ll nag at you, push you to escape it, so don’t be afraid you’ll just “always be stuck”, that’s nonsense. You’re already exploring the causes, looking for an exit, and crafting a key. So relax!

Consider that many daddy issues resolve in a few simple ways, though take some work, courage and heart. First, its important to find some peace with what was. Picture dad, sitting on the couch, looking off somewhere not you, again. And there you are, a waterfall of love and affection, desire to connect, share, hear, be heard… but shit, he doesn’t seem to come home long enough to share anything with him. Maybe if something breaks or is on fire, he’d hop up then, but “hey dad, can we talk about our feelings?” feels like you might as well be saying “dad, could we speak in Klingon?” or interrupting his momentum with nonsense.

But that’s all empty, just an old habit, armor we put on to protect our young hearts from dad’s absence. Just the past, what was, leaving cards in your hand that you can play however you want. You could repeat the cycle a few more times, if you need more information… but when you’re ready, you can play whatever hand you want. In my opinion, the best hand in this moment would be to rekindle your heartsong.

Consider a loving kindness practice to do this. When we cultivate metta, or the emotion of warm friendliness, these issues become less looming, and more a curious puzzle that are easier to set aside. We grow the space inside to take off the armor, find peace with what is, and hope. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested. For example, imagine running up tons distracted and distant dad, on his couch, and throwing your arms around him and giving him a hug. Telling him how much you appreciated all he did do, and how you hope he finds endless happiness, freedom, and peace. He may stare at you blankly, stammer, or scoff, but who cares? If your moments are heartfelt, authentic, and courageous, you’ll walk away feeling light, refreshed.

Now, you may never do such a thing, it may never be the right thing, but as we dream it, wish it, put our heart behind our wish to offer that grace to them, we become free of the entanglement. Such as, if you’ve spent time on the cushion envisioning pouring your heart to your dad, but just haven’t seen the right time yet… when another man comes along that is open and offering his tender attentions, perhaps you’ll feel the courage and strength to reach back, be authentic, and just shine with that brilliant heart of yours.

Namaste, sister, may your dance be light and joyous.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

We can’t change what we’re seeing today, that’s just what we’re seeing. Our ripening seeds. Consider, your view of her shifts wildly, from attraction to repulsion, while she’s not changing all that much. Which means your side, but no biggie. She has tendencies, of course, but consider that when the view is “attraction”, they’re no big deal. When its “repulsion”, they are stabby, jarring reminders of why shit is just wrong with that witch.

Its good of you to wish to grow love, and to grow a peaceful intention that sustains throughout your day to day life. Trying to grow love always fails, though. Much like thinking about thinking doesn’t stop thinking, trying to grow love doesn’t grow love.

Instead, we can grow the space inside us, and the love grows on its own. When we are peaceful, we rest alongside our fellow explorers and let them be who they really are. Just let them be, be a witness, be ready to do “whatever”. “Where are you at? What would you like to see right now? Movie? Dancing? If you could plan tonight, what would be on that list?” We can let go of all the “my day was this and that, myself is this and that, John feels this and that”, and simply, with curiosity and courage, jump in and go with what arises. Do our best, let what blossoms happen. When we bring our curiosity to the moment like this, the “figuring it out” doesn’t feel heavy, such as a burden to shed, rather, it arises like “OK, what a puzzle! What a path! Let’s make some space on the table to see what’s here, what our heart wants us to do next.”

On the cushion, it is the same. We don’t chase thoughts or avoid them, we’re just “OK, here are thoughts, ripples” and back to the breath, the feeling. With her, its not “chasing love”, rather, “OK, here is john dancing poorly, off his rhythm, space inside closed down.” And back to opening the space. Then, as you find the rhythm, the love blossoms naturally… maybe for her, but more importantly, for you.

But friend, you gotta keep your light shining bright, staying on track with your self nurturing, meditation, metta practice and so forth. Consider you keep sticking your fingers in a beehive, which is normal, usual, and expected. However, those stings bring clouds to the heart. For instance, if spend all day looking at how you failed the company, your mind will be lamenting, cycling with grief as it learns and relives, and decides what to do better next time and so forth. In she walks, and low and behold your mind starts fault finding on her, projecting meaning, looking at things she could do better. Your space winds tight, no room for her to simply be her beautiful yin-yang wisewoman/fool like everyone. Just a hint, she’s always sparkling. Just a cloud, blown in from pain, ripples of ruminations.

Who are you John? I’ve heard your song before, and you really seem to have become swamped. Stop hating on yourself, dumbo, when you share your light with others, their hearts brighten. You’re a champion, just learning how to dance. So you weren’t born with perfect rhythm… doesn’t make you any less beautiful.

Namaste, brother, may your mountains crumble and wings flutter.

With warmth,
Matt

Ajen,

I’m sorry things aren’t working out the way you hoped, and can understand the mystery that springs to life when our heart feels conflicted. On one hand, you love him, and hoped for a family with him, but on the other, his feelings have changed, and so have yours. To me, it sounds like you love the dream of him, of family, and are really wanting that. Is it with him though? Is it him, the man, that attracts you?

It seems his heart isn’t into you in that way, and pokey as it may be, sometimes sexual and romantic feelings get intermixed, confused, when old friends connect. All perfectly normal, usual, and common.

The solution to the mystery is actually pretty simple. Trust your path, and get back to business, hobbies, self nurturing. Reinvest in the dreams you had before him, without him in it, and if something changes, who knows. Don’t wait, waste… your breaths are precious, dear sister, and there’s a whole world out there. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt