Thank you for both of your responses. It is painful to take that in but what you’re saying makes sense. In our culture it is more common to not tell our parents until it is very serious (I haven’t told my parents yet either). But I don’t see why he hasn’t told his cousins or sisters since they are close. I can see how I’m settling for less than I expect. My friends’ relationships that have started months after mine are progressing faster than mine.

I guess I find he’s good to me in terms of how he interacts with me in person. When I bring up complaints, he just listens and never raises his voice at me. He acknowledges his mistakes. I appreciate his calmness because I’m used to seeing men around me with anger issues. He always tries to pay for me when we go out (I don’t always let him), but it is a nice gesture.

What do you suggest I do about this? I am going to bring it up to him. Withhold intimacy? Ask for weekend dates? Ask for phone calls? It seems like a lot. Stopping the intimacy until I feel my needs are being met seems most appropriate to me.

Hi Anita,

Yes, the love a child has for their parent can be incomparable, which is beautiful.

Yes I do notice that when family is stressing me out, I feel an urge contact my partner and just talk to them.

I do feel the pain of breakups and take a few months to grieve but it’s usually been about 3-6 months in between relationships, which seems kind of short. Getting into a new relationship does help me get over the previous one.

Thank you Teak and Anita. I really appreciate the time and effort you both into the responses on this site.

Teak, thank you, that means a lot. It makes sense why I am less of an emotionally open person now. It is hard for me to turn off that “survival mode” way of thinking until I am at a place I want to be. I am still completing my graduate studies and thus unable to purchase my own home until I have graduated and start working. My parents have not divorced, but my mother and I live in my brother’s home which he purchased. My dad lives in our old apartment because he works near it. He comes here on the weekends. I will definitely try that exercise you mentioned! I started doing 5 minute meditations last month and it felt really good after completing one. Yes I would like having calls daily with my boyfriend. I’ve brought it up before but he says he doesn’t really like talking on the phone and I don’t want to force him. If I tell him I really want it, he will probably do it.

Anita, thank you. I can identify with the “Child Hero” analogy you mention. Is this common? It makes sense why I am closed off emotionally now. It sometimes scares me how emotionally detached I can be, but it makes sense why I became like this. I am still a very emotional person though with some things.. it’s strange. I wonder why I seek comfort in relationships with men. It’s like I can’t be single for long because I crave the security of a relationship. Even if I am unhappy in the relationship, there is some type of security there which I crave. I feel more of worth when I am in a relationship… it is bad, I know. And I think I “jump” from relationship to relationship because I don’t want to feel the emotional heartache of a breakup.

Even when I have known I was unhappy in a relationship and I bring that up to them, once they agree to or suggest a breakup, I feel very anxious and don’t want them to leave. Yet, I will go into it thinking I do want to leave. I also wonder what triggers this response. A fear of being alone? I’m planning to seek therapy to look into these things further. Thank you both for your thorough and caring responses 🙂 I really value your wisdom and advice.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response. Please don’t feel obligated to respond if this is triggering for you. I know my experience can be hard for others to read and empathize with. I don’t want you to put yourself in an emotionally difficult situation. I am just so used to it that I have emotionally detached from it and it is easy for me to share. Sorry if it was too explicit.

You are right. I definitely felt adrenaline in those moments, which is probably why I felt so strong. It was a fight or flight response.

Hi Teak,

Thank you for your reply. What you are saying definitely makes sense. I have been closed-off emotionally since I was young. My mom, who knows me the best, says I am a very emotional person but I don’t show it. I agree with you. There wasn’t much time to talk about my feelings.. My home was chaotic and there were more important things to worry about than my feelings i.e. paying rent, getting food on the table, my dad etc. We were definitely living in survival mode which made me disregard my feelings and grow up quickly.

Yes, school was my safe place. I really loved school. I was consistently at the top of my class, won several awards and had a great relationship with my teachers and peers. I felt happiest there. It kind of made me forget my living situation and that I was from a low-income family, and made me feel equal to my peers. I agree I am confident in my academics.. professors and employers describe me as intellectual and advanced for my level. I am confident in who I am as a person, I think I have a good relationship with myself. Haha, it is funny you say “low-maintenance.” My current boyfriend described me like that (in a positive way) early into our relationship, saying his friends’ girlfriends were very demanding.

Yes, my boyfriend’s family is very demanding of his time but he lets it happen. I know he likes spending time and talking with them too, so it’s definitely not one-sided. Yes, this is where I’m feeling difficulty. Feeling emotionally connected to my partner is necessary for me to feel romance and security in him. I know I am a deep person, and I love to talk about feelings and experiences and just understanding people. He is very intellectual and we can have great conversations, but it just doesn’t happen often. Probably because we interact so infrequently. I think that if we both put in the time, we would be very compatible mentally (despite dissimilar interests). I appreciate the way his mind works and we think in a similar way. I think that if he committed the time he commits to his family to me, we could have a very fulfilling relationship. But that does not happen and it makes our relationship feel mediocre to me. I don’t like asking for attention, very strange feeling for me.

Thank you Teak and Anita for your responses.

I 100% think he is a good person. I just question if we are compatible.. if he is the right person for me and if I am the right person for him. I think the reason I’ve had several short-term relationships is because, subconsciously, I am looking for something “wrong” as you said Anita. It probably does stem from my fear of having a marriage like my parents’. I have always wondered why my friends have been in 4 year relationships, and despite having problems, will always want to get back together, whereas I am fine with leaving a relationship if something isn’t working. However, a healthy marriage and healthy environment for my children is very important to me.

I do agree, I do come off as a relaxed girlfriend, which maybe I intentionally try to be. I’ve never been good at communication with partners about how I am feeling, which has led to feelings of resentment. Shortly after I wrote my last post, I met my boyfriend and when he tried to be intimate with me, I was resisting. He could tell something was wrong and literally had to PRY the information from me, because I was that afraid of sharing how I felt. I think I also have a fear of partners leaving me, which is why I hold my feelings back. I did tell him that I’d like to have a check-in at least daily. He agreed he could do that and it lasted for a few weeks, then tapered off (which usually happens when I bring things up). I find it hard to ask for my needs to be met, like maybe I am asking for too much or I am being difficult. Since I was a child, I’ve been very independent. Because my home environment wasn’t the greatest, I relied on myself for excelling in my academics and being successful in my future. I do not like asking for help from others.

I have a great relationship with my mom. She is loving, supportive and caring. My dad and I are close as well and I still love him despite what he put us through. When he is sober, I enjoy being around him. But when he is drunk, I hate him (harsh, but it is how I feel in the moment). I try to blame his alcohol addiction instead of him because I would never not want to have a relationship with him. I would still do anything for him. I know my upbringing has affected me in ways I can’t control and might not be aware of. But how do I work through this? I want to have a healthy view on relationships but feelings of doubt and pessimism always seem to haunt me. I appear as a very confident and relaxed person to my friends and partners, but I think I am definitely insecure.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Ashmitha.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response. Sorry if I was unclear, we were still seeing each other but not officially in a relationship because he was processing the death in his family and was not ready to be fully present. We took a break of not talking for 2 months and then entered a relationship. He considers that we have been dating for 1 year and 3 months.

I think you are right in that he separates his relationship with me from that with his friends/ family. When I told him I didn’t feel like we were close friends, he was surprised and said he did consider me one of his closest friends. But I do not receive the same treatment his friends and cousins do which confuses me. We do have moments where he confides in me and we text for hours but it does not happen very often. We usually go most days with me receiving 1-3 texts from him, although he is online a lot. He does have responsibilities in his life as he is the eldest child and works full-time but since he is working from home now, due to the pandemic, I would like more communication. I am a graduate student pursing my Master’s degree in Health Sciences so I am busy too but I make time for him.

Do you think I can do anything to encourage him to communicate with me more? He is a really nice guy and our morals are aligned. I think we could be close friends which I want, but I don’t know if he sees it that way. I do definitely agree that he compartmentalizes me as his girlfriend but I want to change that. I have been told by close friends (females and males) that I have a great personality and they love being a close friend of mine. I just wonder why my own boyfriend does not see it that way.

Also I have read your replies in the past too. You are very wise and intelligent. I wonder, do you have a background in psychology or something related? Talking to you feels like talking to a psychologist. Thank you for your incomparable advice, Anita!