Forum Replies Created
May 10, 2016 at 2:48 am #104114
there is some peace in knowing that it is in the past, before your relationship occurred and whatever experiences she had cannot diminish anything about your present relationship with her. digging deeper to find the root of the fear is helpful.
i struggled with the same emotion in a relationship years ago. in retrospect i felt insecure and not enough for my partner so i searched through his past and compared myself to his previous partners to see which parts of me needed “fixing” or “releasing” and wondering if i could make myself better to him. i know now that it was a cruel and punishing thing to do to myself. he was a different person when he was with those people he needed whatever experiences he had to become the person he became when he was with me. the problem was i had a fear and the fear at its root was an a feeling of unworthiness within myself. i do not know or suggest that this is the same for you but hope that you find the root of whatever your fear may be and wish for you healing and happiness in your present relationship with yourself and your partner.May 10, 2016 at 2:38 am #104113
believe your intuition about the situation, whatever it tells you. i identify with your fear of getting hurt due to past experiences – it is inspiring to me that you made the choice to offer meeting with the woman and her husband to see if you could all try to forge friendship. that is a huge act of maturity, trust, and love for anyone and especially someone who is coming from a background of suffering betrayal in past relationships. thank you for sharing your experience and i wish for you healing, and love.October 25, 2015 at 1:01 pm #86030
playing music with others is always very healing. there’s a very natural communication that occurs without needing to speak, immediately i feel less alone and my depression becomes less debilitating and a little bit more manageable.
journaling and writing poems or really anything is also helpful. putting my thoughts down on paper makes it easier to process and work through, and if by chance i can turn them into a poem or create something nice out of them then i feel a sense of fulfillment.
creativity in any form is healing. being able to create something be it a song, poem or piece of artwork, something you can cherish and find beauty in, is in its essence taking your pain and giving it a purpose, taking something ugly and hurtful and making it something beautiful and worthwhile.December 30, 2014 at 8:39 pm #70046
this can be a very emotionally painful, and difficult situation to navigate.. having had an extremely similiar situation in my past i sympathize with the predicament you are in and am sending you loving thoughts, courage, and healing.
i was once in a situation with a man who felt he couldn’t choose between me and another other woman he had a long history & open relationship with. ultimately he decided he wanted to be with both us rather than make a choice. his lack of commitment to me and the mere fact that he felt he had to choose led me to believe we weren’t on the same page, no matter what my feelings were and so i had to leave. i would have been miserable and i couldn’t have been true to myself and my needs if i had stayed.
i say this only because as this was going on there were many things i had failed to ask myself, and what i hope i can pass on to you are all the questions i forgot: how can i be compassionate to myself? what do i want out of this relationship? can he give this to me? could i be with a man who’s still holding on to another woman, could i ever be comfortable in this relationship?
in constantly questioning if i was being compassionate enough to this man who couldn’t make up his mind, i forgot all about having any compassion for myself.
things i’d asked myself which i wish i hadn’t: am i not enough, that he can’t let go of this other woman? if i love him more, if i am understanding and don’t pressure him, is it possible he’ll come around and make a decision/commit?
we cannot change other people, but we can be honest with ourselves and set clear boundaries in order to protect our relationship with ourselves.
what i would say to you is in your love for this man, please don’t lose the love and compassion you have for yourself. you sound like you care deeply for him, and that’s a beautiful thing, but don’t let your love and commitment to yourself waiver due to his current struggles and indecision.
ask yourself for what you want and need, and ask him what he wants and needs. see where there is room for compromise, and see where there is none.
as far as where he is at i hope he can find the strength to be honest – honest from his heart, with this woman and with you. how can he be fully emotionally present and available to either of you in this state? it is not fair to all three of you in this way.
whatever you decide, the love you have for yourself and honesty you uphold within yourself will always carry you through <3May 11, 2013 at 9:34 am #35419
Hey Alexey! I’m not able to access the article. I’m not sure if it’s my browser or not, but you would you mind reposting the link? Thank you!May 9, 2013 at 8:50 pm #35328
today i am grateful
1. for a new friend
2. for having loving and supportive people in my life
3. for having love, receptiveness and understanding in all my interactions todayApril 18, 2013 at 2:15 pm #34006
1. I’m grateful for spring! Very happy to see this winter go.
2. I’m grateful for having loving, spiritual and supportive people in my life today.
3. I’m grateful that I was able to come home to dinner already made, so I don’t have to cook tonight.April 18, 2013 at 2:09 pm #34005
In recent months, I believe I have forgotten how to love myself. I put myself on the back burner, as I had been filling up my days with impossibly long to-do list’s. I was under the impression that I was capable of doing many more things than I actually could. Part of the reason for this I might add was I was finding it difficult to say “no” to people when something was asked of me – even when it would be difficult for me to do and ultimately detrimental to my own well-being. I was working very hard to meet other people’s expectations of me and putting my own needs to the side (people-pleasing at it’s very worst extreme.) Rob, I relate to you very much in your description of self-giving and how even something as wonderful as that can be harmful to the self when in excess.
The price I paid for not loving myself? I became emotionally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt.In not setting realistic boundaries, and neglecting to put time aside to attend to myself and my own personal needs, I wound up feeling extremely stressed, resentful, and filled to the brim with negative feelings and thoughts. I had effectively chipped away at all my self-love each time I chose not to take a second for myself when I needed it.
I see the difference now that I’m taking time to focus on self-love and self-care. My emotional, spiritual and physical well-being flourishes. I heard a quote not too long ago… “you cannot do anything in this world if you do not love yourself.” I know now to make this a priority. I have not come full circle in loving myself. There is still work to be done. However, on some level I recognize there will always be work to be done in regards to self-love. We never “arrive.” Even once we love ourselves, this love requires daily maintenance. It’s a work that is never done, but after a while it will not feel like work.April 5, 2013 at 2:54 pm #31258
Joseph, that’s such a great way to be! I’ve heard so many people say things across the lines of “you will get back what you put in to the world.” When you are practicing compassion towards the people you interact with on a daily basis, and letting your love and kind/positive attributes prevail I like to think that your influence will carry over and hopefully return to you in some shape or form. Even when it does not, there is no reason not to continue acting with compassion in all your affairs.April 5, 2013 at 2:44 pm #31256
I completely agree with your view on resentment, you summed it up so beautifully! I’m learning that when I find myself resentful of another person, that I need to really examine what it is specifically that is making me so angry. 9/10 whatever perceived character flaw or unfair action I see them exhibiting is something that I am guilty of as well. The people who we find ourselves resentful towards are our teachers. Usually the things we see in them are reflections of what we see in ourselves – the struggle becomes learning to change those things in ourselves instead of blaming other people for being the way that they are. Adopting realistic expectations and creating firmer boundaries is a huge load off our shoulders. The more we take responsibility for ourselves and the less time we spend waiting for others to do the same, the happier we will be.