Hi Kdizzle,

Yes, repeating patterns are usually a sign that something needs to be looked at. I used to be really drawn to people (as friends) who completely gushed over me at first. In my case, I was seeking validation from them, since I was unable to extend it to myself. But people gush because they want us to be a certain way, and when they see that we are human, that can lead to problems.

I second Anita’s suggestion to be curious. Ask open-ended questions. In fact, look back at the questions that Anita used with you, and ask similar ones in your conversations. She asked, “What do you mean when you say ___________?,” which is a question that I teach my coaching clients to use, actually. When you use it, using the other person’s exact words, it helps them to clarify and reflect on their reasons for saying what they do, and it helps you to better understand what they are saying and why. Our minds love to try and read between the lines, but this is simply making assumptions.

So be curious, and keep us posted!

Bethany
http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info

Hi Soupydroopy,

What really got me was how much you attacked yourself in your original post. When you judge your actions like that, you lose out on the opportunity to really discover what is going on. You did what you did for a REASON. You were trying to get a need met. So ask yourself why you did and said those things. You are a good person. Let me repeat that: You are a good person. So your actions are not because you are inherently “bad.” Your mind needed something.

Whatever you decide to do with your relationship, you need to look inwardly first. Give your mind a chance to be heard–by you!–without judgment. Discover your reasons and patterns, and it might help your path to become more clear. This article that I wrote might actually help: http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info/blog/2015/7/8/overcome-your-fear-by-redefining-your-assumptions .

If you stay together, you need to open up communication. I could write a novel on strategies here, but the bottom line is that you need to have a frank discussion on WHY he cheated. I second Anita’s recommendation that you get some professional help to improve your communication styles and to break away from destructive patterns.

And, okay, his self-harm and suicidal tendencies need to be addressed. This is something that he NEEDS to get help with if you stay together, and you need to set some boundaries. For example, absolutely NO threats of suicide or self-harming during a fight. I know I’ve already put a link in here, but this might help as well (and rewriting it would be a novel!): http://archive.aweber.com/awlist3899232/M1Ra1/h/World_Suicide_Prevention_Day.htm

Well, hope that helps, and keep us posted! Most importantly, take care of yourself!

Bethany

Hi Ben,

I have just read the entire thread here, and your post really resonated with my for a number of reasons. I went through the process of completely reinventing myself a few years ago, so I understand the fear, confusion, and challenges that can come with it. In my case, I left my teaching job of 10 years, signed my house over to the bank, and moved 1300 miles away to live on a sailboat!

A couple thoughts on your situation:

1. It’s okay to just work a job that pays the bills, while you take some time to recover and find your passion. Be patient, and even have fun with this process!

2. Don’t think of your next job as being “forever.” You don’t need to have one passion or one dream, and it can actually be more fun and rewarding to change, as your interests change. I thought I would love teaching forever, but it’s been exciting and rewarding to work on my coaching business, focus on sailing, and just go where the (metaphorical) wind takes me.

3. Focus on basic needs and stress management. You will weather this storm, and there really is no such thing as “failure.” Just choices, results, and learning by trial and error. Trust me, it is always possible to stand back up after falling down!

I’ve had so many readers and clients ask me about reinventing themselves, that I actually wrote a 6-part series about it on my blog, if you are interested. The posts are in order, so if you click on the link to the left at the bottom of the post (for this one, it will be “5 Thoughts that Stand Between You and Your Dreams” you will get to the next one. Here is the first in the series: http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info/blog/2015/10/11/re-inventing-yourself-101

Hi Nicole,

I am 36 years old, and two years ago, I completely hit the “reset button” on my life. I had been living in a 4-bedroom house in the woods in northern Michigan, and I had been in the same teaching job for 10 years. I lived with my husband and daughter, who has autism.

We fell in love with sailing and began cruising in the summer. Then, after living aboard and sailing on the Great Lakes for 93 days, things completely fell apart at work. My husband and I realized that we were done with that situation, so we signed our house over to the bank, and moved 1300 miles away, to Houston. We took everything that would fit into our Volvo station wagon!

I found a teaching job down here, and we lived in an apartment for a year. Then we moved onto a 35 foot sailboat and moved into a marina. We are working toward cruising full-time, and I have started an online business (although I am still teaching right now).

A few things I learned:

1. Wherever you go, there you are. I had to do the most work on myself AFTER the move, because the same situation that happened up north, was happening in my new job. And there was only one common variable–me. Once I redefined all the limiting beliefs that were keeping me from setting boundaries and advocating for myself, my situation greatly improved.

2. There is never a “right time.” You’ll always find reasons to stay in your situation! But when you’re ready, just go for it.

3. “Failure” isn’t so bad. We learn by trial and error, and you will make mistakes. We ended up in a situation so tight that we needed help getting food, once. And we survived, and learned from it. Am I still glad we moved? Of course.

I wrote more about my story here: http://www.thechangeblog.com/reset-button/ and in my bio on my website: http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org .

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Bethany

Hi Evelyn,

Fear is your subconscious mind’s way of keeping you safe. Your mind’s job is to scan for possible threats and sound an alert if one is detected. You’ve probably heard this “alert” referred to as the fight-or-flight response. This response prepares a person to face the perceived threat, by increasing heart rate and breathing, and causing their thinking and awareness to become very focused (but also very limited, as finding and dealing with the perceived threat is all they are able to do).

The issue is that this response spirals. When a person is in fight-or-flight, their mind goes into overdrive, scanning for more threats. Soon the person experiences what you have described–a life that is nothing but fear.

So what is the way out of this spiral? I will share with you some of the steps that I help my clients to go through:

1. Calm your physiological reaction. When you notice the spiral, the first thing you need to do is calm down. Do a breathing exercise, yoga, meditation, prayer, or even take a walk. I strongly recommend (and use) a specific breathing technique and yoga nidra.

2. Make sure your basic needs are met. Hunger, thirst, and lack of sleep are all direct threats to survival, and they will worsen the fight-or-flight response, putting your mind on high alert. Make sure you’re eating a healthy diet, and even research diets to help with anxiety. Drink lots of water, and get at least 8 hours of sleep. These things need to become non-negotiable.

3. Understand what is causing the alert. The threats your mind is detecting are based on PERCEIVED threats. It is a matter of perception. Figure out what it is that your mind thinks is the problem. Choose one fear and really look at it. For example, why are you afraid of letting anyone into your life? What are you afraid will happen? Why are you afraid of this? What is your answer based on? What evidence do you have that it should be true? And why?

4. Find and redefine the underlying assumption. Look at your answers to the questions above. What is it that your mind is assuming? Are there other possibilities? For example, if I were assuming that people will stab me in the back, and my “evidence” was that every friend I have had talked behind my back, shunned me from the group, etc…then I could look at other explanations. It is possible that I am drawn to people who are in fear, and my inability to establish boundaries led to them having these behaviors.

5. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Overcoming fear takes time. Redefining can take years, but you will notice that you are experiencing less fear each time you do it.

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

Hi BellyButton,

Medication can take the edge off, but the causes of anxiety and depression run a little bit deeper.

Let me explain a bit about the subconscious mind. Your mind’s job is to keep you safe. And in order to do this, it looks at what is going on to determine if there is a connection to a past perceived threat. If it sees even the smallest connection, it sounds an alert. This “alert” is the fight-or-flight response. It causes all kinds of stress hormones to be released, causing elevated heart rate and breathing, as well as limited problem-solving ability. It causes you to focus on detecting threats, and really nothing else.

Can you see how this relates to anxiety and paranoid thoughts? Depression also occurs as a result of this response. The stress hormones decrease your brain’s production of serotonin, and your body and mind just plain become tired from being on “high alert” all the time. The result can be depression.

Medication can help balance your brain chemistry, but the ultimate solution is to stop the mind from perceiving so many threats in the first place. It is important to note that your own thoughts can trigger the fight-or-flight response. Let me give you an example.

I had an emotionally abusive “friendship” when I was a teenager. I thought that my “friend” acted the way she did, because I was a bad person. Eventually, I did stick up for myself, but I found that my other relationships followed the same pattern. When my husband said anything that my mind perceived to be similar to what my “friend” had said, my mind went on high alert, because it detected a threat. Then I acted out of fear, and this actually led to the situation repeating itself, to a lesser degree.

The good news is that these misunderstandings, which the mind uses to perceive threats, can be redefined. I ended up redefining my assumption that my friend acted the way she did, because I was a bad person. I saw how she was trying to use her treatment of me as a way to feel better about herself, because she had doubts. It really had nothing to do with me. Then I redefined my assumption that my husband was trying to hurt me. I saw his insecurities, and I saw how my lack of establishing boundaries was allowing him (and my other friends) to walk all over me. By changing my internal thought patterns, I was able to change my external circumstances.

You mentioned counseling. I would STRONGLY recommend that you look into skill-based therapy, such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or Dialectic-Behavioral Therapy. I use a variant on these with my clients, and they have a great deal of success. This type of therapy will help you to identify and redefine assumptions and misunderstandings. It is very empowering. Redefining can take years, but you should notice some changes in your mood rather quickly.

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

Hi Parul,

Emotions don’t make us weak, if we understand what they are. Emotions are caused by THOUGHTS, and thoughts are indications of our current understanding and perceptions. So if we experience unpleasant emotions, we should take a look at the thoughts behind them. Nearly all thoughts that don’t feel good are based on fear. And fear-based thoughts can be redefined. Here is an article that explains it a bit better: http://www.onlinetherapyandcoaching.org/blog/2015/7/8/overcome-your-fear-by-redefining-your-assumptions .

Bethany

Hi Willow,

In-law situations are tricky. Without knowing the specifics of what you are going through, I do have a few thoughts that immediately came to mind:

1. It’s important to remember that there is no past–only memories with meaning attached to them. What you remember is not the entire picture of what happened. Nobody knows the entire picture. This may help you to accept that your in-laws had insecurities and misunderstandings. What they did or said was not personal, even if it seems like it was. Even if they THINK it was.

2. This is really just clarifying #1. Another person’s words can ONLY show their misunderstanding. Their words and actions have no inherent meaning about you. If you can understand this, then moving past their words and actions becomes easier.

3. So why were their words and actions triggering? Something is only a trigger if the person who is triggered has a doubt, fear, or insecurity that is being activated. If someone called me a bad parent, for example, it would not accept me if I were confident in my parenting abilities. I would just roll my eyes and think, “That person has issues!” But what if I doubted myself as a mother? Then their words would be “proving” this doubt to be true, so it would be very triggering.

4. Are you still in touch with them? If you are, I have a suggestion for communicating with them. Do more asking than telling. When you tell something to someone who is insecure, all they hear is that you are right and they are wrong. Instead. be curious with them. Ask open-ended questions. If they say something that is hurtful, ask them why they said it. This puts it back on them, to reflect on their words and the reasons they have for saying them. It may also help you see what is going on in their minds, so that you can depersonalize.

I hope that helps!

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org