July 30, 2015 at 4:32 am #80834
hello all, this is my first post although I have been following this site for the last one year. I appreciate all the advise people give here, it is very a positive and realistic community!
okay, I wanted to discuss what I have been feeling or going through for some time and thought it might be worth sharing if it benefits others in my situation.
I come from a family who care for me and love me. Until my college years, I was with my family and had a small circle of close friends. After college, I moved to a different country for studies – experienced my share of loneliness, meeting new people, coping with work load and learning to manage things on my own. I did learn a lot through all these experiences but it wasn’t easy and was quite stressful.
I used to be or still see myself as ‘kind, friendly, creative person and enjoy feeling connected with family and friends’. In the past few years finishing my post graduation, staying away from family and friends – I have changed jobs(country hopping and job hopping, my old friends are no longer the same(I no longer feel connected to them, I try to stay in touch but they have changed). I am also observing that I am not receiving much emotional support from my family as well( it varies). I try hard to keep myself busy with work, some fun activities and have a small group of friends to hang out but not really close ones. I am noticing that I have been feeling lonely, tired and not really enjoying my life. I don’t feel connected to my parents as well, but I try to be kind and patient with them.
I want to feel more happy, connected to people and want to enjoy life. I want help to see things in a positive way and take up new activities/hobbies(may be I should do some traveling, I’m also thinking of learning a new language like French) to lead a fulfilled life. I have been struggling to find a way out of this feeling for few years and haven’t figured a way out or tried something new. I hope this friendly community will help me! I would love to be independent but at the same time I want to keep myself happy!July 30, 2015 at 5:15 am #80846InkyParticipant
I’m afraid if you travel or learn French, or whatever ~ that that will be a mere distraction from your loneliness, not a cure. What I would do is “Dig Deep”. Learn to love being alone, AND really get to know and cherish the people you’re with. For example, our neighbors, each and all of them, have absolutely nothing in common with us! Yet, after fifteen years, I would cry if I had to move away from them.
So live in the paradox of loving your own company and loving the company you’re in.
InkyJuly 30, 2015 at 7:57 am #80852AnonymousGuest
What happened to your relationship with your parents and other family members? What is the reason for the distance, the loss of closeness? Is it the physical distance? What was lost? Did … they change? You changed? What changed?
Same questions regarding your past close friends…?
anitaJuly 30, 2015 at 8:10 am #80856Bethany RosselitParticipant
Moving can be challenging, because you are alone with yourself. You are alone with your thoughts and emotions–including your fears and doubts. And relationships do evolve and change over time; sometimes this change can be difficult to experience and accept.
First, understand that close friendships take time to develop. Be patient with the process. What do you mean when you say that you are not receiving much emotional support from your family? I am also curious to see your answers to Anita’s questions.
You are keeping yourself distracted to avoid the loneliness, but distractions only work in the short term. Why do you think it is that you feel lonely? Are you having difficulty accepting the changes in your friendships? Do you need to allow yourself to grieve for your lost friendships? Are you expecting your new relationships to evolve faster than they are?
Also, look at your thoughts about yourself. Have you considered that you might be afraid that you are no longer YOU without the same connections you had in the past? Is it possible that you are afraid of who you are, underneath it all?
Instead of worrying about being positive, take a good, deep look at the negative. Emotions are caused by thoughts, and emotions that don’t feel good are often based on fear and misunderstandings. Use this time to focus on you, to take a look at your inner world.July 30, 2015 at 9:32 am #80866
thanks for your advise, I will try to ‘dig deep’ to gain a deeper understanding of myself and why I have these feelings. I’m trying new things since the experiences keep me happy. I am not doing them as a distraction.
anita and bethany:
thank you both for your replies. I have to agree with the point that relationships change and evolve with time, may be I’m finding it difficult to accept. It could also be that my circle is very small and I used to have strong ties with them.
I am also learning to make a lot of new friends and I’m not expecting them to evolve quickly. I don’t think I have changed at the core and I’m the same person with/without connections. I would never let any one define me! I want to lead a balanced life, some time with myself and some time around people
Thanks for the good questions, they made me think.
And with parents, physical distance is one of the reasons, and I think they don’t understand me totally. For example, when changing jobs and countries, it could be very stressful. I feel like talking to them and sharing my day-to-day things, they do talk to me and support me when they have time but there are times when they force their ideas on me or don’t really care what I feel like. I don’t know if I am being clear but cannot explain better than this. It could be that I’m misunderstanding them and no relationship is perfect. There could be some mistakes from their end too. I have tried talking to them and explaining how they make me feel, but not much change in them and so the distance.
And with friends, I had very few close/best friends, they have changed and they no longer want to stay in touch/connect the same we used to. May be this happens and I should learn to accept it.
Also, I am interested in knowing, what people do when they are alone in a new country – in terms of meeting new people, activities..
p.s., I don’t have a family yet and I live on my ownJuly 30, 2015 at 11:28 am #80873AnonymousGuest
It sounds to me like you are doing pretty well for a young woman away from family and former friends in a new country. I get the impression that you are a reasonable person, reasonably healthy. You definitely do not need people to force their ideas on you, like you wrote your parents do at times and you don’t need people who don’t care how you feel like your parents express at times. You know those two things- to stay away in the new country from people who do either one of these two things.
How do you find people who are kind to you- let you be you and care about how you feel? This is how you connect and do not feel lonely, isn’t it? this is what will energize you, what will make you sometimes happy- to be let be and for someone to know how you feel, to care to know and to express that to you?
When you talk to people where you are, and you tell him/ her how you feel, notice their reaction. If someone asks you how you feel and really wants to know- what a breath of fresh air that would be!
anitaJuly 31, 2015 at 5:52 am #80915
hi anita, thanks very much for your wise words. I will try to observe from now on how people react when I express how I feel. I am hopeful that I will slowly emerge in to a strong, independent and happy person. I am going to try and be more accepting of changes and patient through the process.
July 31, 2015 at 8:47 pm #80985AnonymousGuest
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by bella.
I very much wish you the best. Please post again if you need to. I would love to read from you and will respond. I do like your attitude, and do hope you find the connections that will strengthen you.
anitaAugust 1, 2015 at 2:54 pm #81021PathOfPeaceParticipant
I know your pain. People in general can be a challenge to meet or make friends with. As we get older, away from school people dont make a whole lot of friends it seems. You have the friends you grow up with, but sometimes they change (like you said) or fall of the planet. THe friends you make at work, but if you leave the job they often disappear in the long run. Then there is the strangers you just meet by chance and that can go either way. I myself had a ton of friends but now after years only down to one. Like someone else posted, make the most out of whos left in your life and try to make new friends along the way to doing life in general.
If you ever just want someone to talk to Im always around. I work l o n g boring hours with LOTS of down time.