Hi Gigi,

From what you have written, it seems like you have a lot of hurt and animosity towards yourself and the actions and decisions you have made in the past. The fact that you are writing here means that you are willing to make a change. It will be hard, not because of who you are, but because you need to accept the decisions you made. You outlined above the relationship issues you have had and I feel, like when I read it, that you don’t really love yourself. You seek others to day so, to support and love you because you don’t. If you don’t love yourself, if you are not the one who is singing your own praises then you really cannot expect someone else to do so. Don’t expect others to complete you, be surprised when they do.

In regards to losing friends and having people hate you. Well, feeling sorry for yourself, believing that nothing can be done, isn’t going to improve the situation. The first step towards healing is accepting and then apologizing. First apologize to yourself. Give yourself a big ass hug. Find comfort in yourself before others. Then consider apologizing to the ones you hurt or you feel you wronged. Whether they accept your apology is up to them, but you have taken the first step towards accepting the past. Now you can start to focus on the present. Spend too much time looking back, you won’t see what’s in front.

You mentioned that you have not given it your all. Well, start to now. You are limited and inhibited by yourself. No matter how much exercise, or how much you don’t drink, this can heal you, but it cannot solve the questions you have. Healing is great, it gives us energy to move forward, but until you have given it all, until you have accepted and looked inside yourself and smiled… the questions will remain. Nothing is stopping you. Dedicate yourself, from this point on just being better than the day before. Learn from your past to help enlighten your present, but don’t regret. What has happened has happened. You hear voices, but they aren’t others, their yours. When you hear such language, the reason it damages you is not necessarily because it’s true, its because you don’t believe in yourself enough to rebuke such accusations. Once you learn to love yourself, once you learn to accept the ‘real’ you, nothing will damage you. You will be bulletproof.

Gigi, life ain’t easy, living is hard work. Although you may wish, right now to be another person, in another place, time and space, this ain’t some fictional story, this is real. You are the hero of your own story… what type of hero do you want to be?

I hope this helps, if you have more to add please feel free to comment further!
Matty

Hello Littlemisshoney,

I have five points that i wish to make, hopefully they are not to long 🙂

I think it would be wise to put a line in the sand, namely, i want you to disregard the first part of your life with your SO. From the moment that you got back together should be what should be concerning you. Since, in the past things were different as you have admitted. Your SO has also taken a step to better himself mentally by seeing a counsellor. Now that you have done that (and i know this is hard), try to look back on these memories, which you already are, but try to separate your feelings on the past from the realtiy. When you see a picture of you two together, try to recall the moment, not the image. When we see a smiling face from years before, unless we are in a happy place in the now, the past seems tainted. You have mentioned that you find it hard to think of the good times, i would assume that there are many, especially considering that you two ended up coming back together. I believe there is a flame within both of you, but it’s buried deep down and being repressed by your current feelings.

My second point is guilt. I feel from reading your post that you somehow feel responsible, almost guilty because you have been unable to help your SO. However, you should not be feeling guilty over something you didn’t cause. As a partner you shouldn’t be expected to carry the burden. You have been a supportive partner, which in this situation is all you can be. You can not fight your SO’s inner demons for him, he must conquer his own darkness within. I also think that’s something that is playing on your mind, if you leave, what will happen? what will he do to himself? Basically, anything that happens afterwards you may blame yourself for, even if you never involved in the process itself. Also, you may also be feeling guilty if you were to break up that you would find happiness he wouldn’t. I think this is natural since you don’t dislike him, you are just not happy within your own life anymore.

The third point; parenthood. I’m sorry that you had a miscarriage. I think getting over it will take time, nothing more nothing less. I think it plays on couples minds, it was so easy for them, why me? why us? I think time will heal these emotional scars, and i hope for the best for you in this part of your life. THis is also where i would like to bring up parenthood. If you feel you partner is emotionally distance, this isn’t necessarily going to change if your SO becomes a father. I believe that people can change their opinions, understandings and perspectives, but i don’t believe that one can truly change what they inherently are. Can you see your SO as a father? a role model? Being a parent isn’t an easy life, you become responsible for another life. Even if you became parents, do you think your SO would support you? Will he be that shoulder that you lean on for comfort? If you can’t, in your heart answer one way or another, then that in itself is an answer.

Fourth; he is good enough. I think you have the frame of mind, that your SO is just good enough. You have a biological clock ticking in your ear and you feel that you would rather be a mother before anything else. I believe that you clearly don’t think you are attractive enough to hook another guy. You clearly don’t think you have enough qualities that would make someone interested in you both sexually and romantically. Once again, i believe this is because you keep viewing yourself through your current lens. Do you really want to live your life, especially when you become a mother with someone that was just good enough. Sure, your feelings may change for your SO, he may prove himself capable, but this is the catch-22. Do you risk everything for uncertainty, or risk sanity for certainty?

My final point; you. My mother has a saying, “I would rather wake up alone and know who and what i am. Knowing that i have my own back, knowing that i can do whatever i set my mind to”. When you are in a relationship, my understanding it is meant to be a team, a team that works well. Sure, sometimes the team has issues with purpose, direction etc. But it still a team that both are mutually invested in. When you wake up, you should feel that your SO has your back, encourages your notion of who and what you are. A partner should be able to put your mind at rest, because with him by your side; you are validated. You are a girlfriend, a partner, a friend, a lover, a member of the team. You know who you are in relation to your SO. Do you know who you are now? You mentioned that you started to gain your confidence back after the first dissolution of your relationship, have things changed? I think you need to weigh up whether or not you want to continue to wake up feeling like the opposite of who you are or want to be; or do you want to wake up and look @ the mirror and say “i love you”? Do you love yourself, littlemisshoney? This is why i like my mother’s quote. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone, in my own company knowing that i’m who i want to be, that i love myself for my strengths and weaknesses. WHat about you?

At the end of the day, if you follow your heart, take the fall, and it’s what you want…..then it was worth it.

THanks for reading everything, I hope this has helped. Please if you have something to add or wish to comment, please continue to post.
Sincerely,
Matty

Hi Jeff,

I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. I’m so sorry to hear things ended up this way. Once again, i have never been in your position before, so i’m coming from the outside here. But i hope i can be of some assistance.

I think, the storm has passed. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? As @El and @happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, it’s time to make port and see what can be done. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. You will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and then the blame will shift to another. But a ship is not built to last, it it built to endure. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesn’t give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. But that, in of itself is helpful. The world is still spinning. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. This doesn’t tarnish who you are or what you can become.

Your identity and who you are has changed. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. But you are still a father. And i would assume a great many of things as well. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. Readying it for sail again. The sea calls to you again. This is not the last voyage you will take.

Best of luck Jeff,
Sincerely,
Matty

G’day Dreaming,

I paired it with black nylons and short heels to keep it classy. In the past I’ve been told I’m attractive and was genuinely happy with how I looked yesterday.

vs.

By the end of the night I felt completely invisible compared to these other girls.

So let’s deal with the pink elephant in the room. Firstly, how you feel about yourself doesn’t need to be validated by other people. We require validation much of the time because we feel that we are wrong, making a mistake, that we are SOMETHING rather than something else. So if you felt good about yourself, then being approached by a bunch of fellas who noticed it was a bachelorette party wouldn’t be a big deal. And this is the main point, it was a bachelorette party. Even though i’m not the most observant guy, i would notice that in a bar/ pub etc. Such parties are attended by…only women, only women who are having fun or want more fun. When a woman is relaxed, guys be like “okay, now it is time” 😉 The fact that guys went up in packs to other females has less to do with attraction and emotional vibes than what seems apparent. Yes picking up on a girl that is smiling and laughing etc may be one way to check a girl out. BUT not all guys at a pub/ bar wherever what to go up and compliment a woman, maybe they just want a drink. Actually, it’s not so much ‘pretty’ women that get hit on, it’s the ones guys think they may have a shot with. Maybe the guys that were there were shy and didn’t want to come across. You know, you could go up and hit on a guy and compliment him 😉 . Also just because some guy got a phone number, doesn’t mean he is going to call. Sometimes, guys just like the chase, like knowing that they have the ‘balls’ to approach a woman and get her number.

I just felt like the evening reinforced a notion of “you’re not valuable, you’re not going to meet someone who is excited about you, you’re not good enough, you’re not desirable, etc…”

Well this is a mindset, no one said that to you, only you are thinking this. You should value yourself first, you should see yourself as having a ‘use’ rather than seeing yourself as a ‘use’ for someone else. So try not to think in singular equations:
Because no guy approached me = not attractive. Such equations are useless, you are basically asserting that your self worth is based on others ‘outer’ impression of your physic. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship with yourself. I think it has to do with the break-up, since you have lost a part of your identity you want someone to bounce off with so that you are re-defined as ‘something’, because in your mind you are ‘nothing’. It is true that our identity is shaped by our surroundings, by the people we call friends, how we are addressed by others, who we are to others. If we have no meaningful connection with others or communities…then who are we? I want you to try to understand who you are in relation to yourself. Who is Dreaming? If i take her friends, her colleagues, people who just know her, who are you? What does ‘Dreaming’ mean to me? Ultimately, you will discover you are someone, it may be personality traits (eg reflective and deep), it may be hobbies (eg you’re a ‘trekkie’ , an expert on Klingon!! 😉 , an animal lover etc. These kinds of things….you own. Find out what you own, Dreaming.

How can I change my perspective on dating or reach some sort of acceptance or peace?

Finally, i don’t think you have to accept the terms of modern day dating on it’s ‘socially understood terms’. What dating means to some people means something different to others. So you should come up with your own definition. To me, going on a date = meeting in a casual place where you pretend not to ask 20 questions interview style, but ultimately do 🙂 So it’s not crucial to change your perspective, it’s more beneficial to at least have a perspective. If you don’t get asked out, there could be hundreds of reasons why a guy wouldn’t ask you (many of which may not have anything to do with you). Why not ask him? why not ask out a guy? What you would be feeling, is exactly what a lot of guys feel 🙂 Use online dating apps. Nowadays, you can find love/ companionship anywhere.

Look it’s great to be complimented, but don’t let they be your everything, you should re-affirm to yourself how beautiful you are, how classy you looked that night etc. Don’t get into the habit of viewing yourself through the lenses of others….that can never end well. Compliment yourself everyday instead, trust me, you know yourself better than anyone else.

Best of luck, and if you have more to say or what to question something i wrote, please post again.
Sincerely,
Matty

Missjeenacole,

No problem! 🙂 Thanks

I really want to make the change! But I’m not sure what my first step would be.

Yeah it’s not exactly like practicing for a exam or something, you can’t actually see yourself make progress (physically). This is more an internal debate within yourself. Your ideal man, may in fact be what a lot of women/ men want in a partner. So, i guess not only being aware, but when you are in that moment, when you want to go further in a relationship, just take yourself aside question whether or not you are making an ‘idealist’ choice or a ‘real’ choice. Basically, it’s only through exposure to this situation that you are going to be able to change your attitude and perspective.

I just don’t seem to handle other people’s emotions well.

A,ha! We have a touchdown! This is what i was thinking when i began to read that you didn’t like the emotions that your ex showed. The way you have been writing has been reminding me of my brother. He struggles to express his emotions, but he also cannot deal with others emotions. He views emotions as weakness, if you can’t hold it in, then you are weak. He wants to deal with everything himself, if he needs help he won’t ask for it. And yet he wants love….it’s quite contradictory. It’s like wanting to be with someone who can support you, you can trust, someone who is your friend and then at the same time; someone who excites you, is mysterious etc. It’s two lines of divergent thoughts that don’t really end at the same destination. The main grasp here is to understand that emotions are strengths as well, being weak is only what we deem it to be. Everyone is raised differently, so everyone has a different view on weakness.

I suspect that this has more to do with the fact that, as an individual you should be able to control your emotions, why should someone else do it for you? Their your bloody emotions! And i think this idea comes 360. Because as much as you want to be more than just friends and form a strong connection with someone, you also don’t want to be leaned on by your partner. You gave an example of this before in regards to movie selection. You want someone you has the same mentality as yourself. Truly nothing wrong with this. You want your partner to have the strong, stable emotional center that allows him/ her to deal with their own issues. But it is through our emotional bonds with one another that we connect. Yes, of course you can connect with someone based on looks, on intelligence, on shared interests. But a relationship is about vulnerability, about sharing experiences, emotional or not.

To summarise what i have written, i would say that you cannot change what you are attracted to. I have an ideal type, and so do you. We all do. But i also understand that no one (maybe someone) will perfectly fit into the cookie cutter shape. And if they don’t, that’s okay, because if i continue to pressure someone into being my ideal, then they aren’t themselves and everything would be based on a superficiality to please to me. In the end, i wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone but my own fantasies. I think, if anything you should instead of wasting you time and going on the chase or like wise being chased, direct your search. Actually go after what you want. Whether that be through dating agencies or online. At least then it’s in black and white. I’m sure there are people out there that have some of what you consider idealistic traits. Like myself, i’m sure there are women out there that have some of the traits i value. It’s just that they might have other traits that annoy you/ me 😉 So it comes down to one question; what can you tolerate, what can you not? This is IMO, what a relationship is about, if you tolerate more than the ‘not’s’ well….he/she may be the right one.

figure out what I want and need.

Finally, this is what you could focus on, right now. Try to figure out what you, right now need in your life. We need money, we need a lot of things. But generally we always want more. It’s in our makeup. And over time what you want and need will change. I think what’s driving your ‘where do i go’ questions, is more the fear that you take a wrong turn and end up missing out on someone or something. Which is understandable, but truly there is no right or wrong choices in life, there are only choices. Whether one goes straight, takes a detour, rounds the bend too fast, your making progress. Some things in life are easy, paying taxes, buying food etc. But things aren’t simple with humans. We are all complicated, interesting individuals who have a story and identity. For the everyday person, we make choices everyday that are neither right or wrong, just choices. Through our choices, we learn, through learning, we grow, and through growing we make more choices and the cycle repeats. In your case, just moving in any direction is better than being still. You cannot regret something that has not happened.

So what are you waiting for?

Sincerely,
Matty
If you have more to add or questions please continue to post 🙂

Missjennacole,

Everything you are posting here is great! you are in a sense talking yourself through your current situation. We all just happen to be in the bleachers screaming and cheering like at a grand final!

Like a relationship camel.

This has made my day! 🙂

The difference that stands out the most to me with my ex is that he pursued me and took a little more control. I didn’t always have to do the work

Okay, i think we are getting to the end game here, you connect with men who are as invested in going places as you are. A man, not some guy or boy, but a man who knows what he wants, is confident in himself, trusts his choices. You want a man that takes action, but also cares about your feelings and what you want to do. You want a man to look after you (protect you, or at least feel like there is a hulking silver back gorilla that’s got your 6!…i mean this metaphorically of course). IMO he sounds like a ‘bloke’, you want a ‘bloke’! To me, it sounds like you actually know what you want, you know the kind of guy that can make you happy. It’s a matter of just finding him. Easier said then done, i know.

I think things started to fall apart when he got emotional. He cried once

You would hate me, i cried recently watching the animated movie ‘The little prince’ 🙂 But seriously, i think it could also be that you have a particular idea of what a man ‘should’ be and what a man ‘shouldn’t’ be. Everyone is entitled to their perceptions and beliefs, however they still need to be somewhat realistic, otherwise your relations will always be based on an un-achievable ideal. This more than anything else will cause you sadness and depression. You just have to work on slowly changing your perceptions of the ideal, it will take time, but start to ‘soften’ your ideal. Be willing to step outside of your comfort zone in this regard. I also believe that when people are in a relationship, naturally they become more vulnerable, sometimes emotions run high as a result. If you want something more, then you may have to give a little more.

I want everything to come easy to me, and when it doesn’t I give up.

This is a mindset, and attitude. It can be adjusted, you just have to want to do it. Since it will be challenging and difficult you may well truly give up. So then try again. And then try again and again. You may spend your entire life trying, that’s what i have done. One is not empty because they haven’t achieved what they set, one is empty because they decided they weren’t good enough to dust themselves off and try again. Each time learning from your past experiences, not mistakes, just experiences. You have to rationalize your choices: either continue down this path (which is why you wrote this post) or attempt to change. These are your choices. Until your want is as great as your need, you will continue down the same path…as a relationship camel. One of the most powerful quotes i know is that; “If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere” Frank A. Clark

(I’m a notorious “I love you” slut. I even say it to the mailman.)

Then be aware next time that you should tone down the use of such a word. Love is not an easy word for people to understand, at one moment it’s an emotion, at another it’s a feeling, at another it’s an expression of one’s inner emotions. Love is not a word that should be thrown around willy nilly. It’s fine if you are joking around, but when it’s time to get serious, try not to say it because you feel that the moment demands it. Only say it, when you truly feel it. Although your feelings for another may be subconscious, your understanding of it is conscious. Don’t say it unless you mean it, unless you understand what you love about someone. Words are more powerful than most give credit to, they have the power to influence, hinder, hurt, save, manipulate or destroy someone. They are truly magical. With great power, comes great responsibility 😉

Once again, everything you are writing, is a form of healing, a form of inner reflection. I think, ultimately you know what you want to do, more so than myself or others. All i can say is; believe in yourself. Believe that you can change your current situation, believe that you are capable of finding love, believe that at the end of the day, it can only get better.

I hope this was helpful, if you have any comments or questions, just keep posting 😉
Sincerely,
Matty

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Matty.

missjennacole,

Every man I’ve ever dated has been totally blind-sighted.

Have you ever dated a friend? It just makes me curious as to the men always being completely taken by surprise. Are these men/ women ever been close to you before? A relationship can be any length of time, how long does it take before you generally start to bore? on average. Because i wonder, when you start to get bored, could be a sign that your getting ‘too interested’ or they are getting too interested in you. They personal things you wouldn’t share with others. If this is the case, then i think it’s less about being in relationship with someone who likes chit chats and annoys you. It could simply be you don’t want to share who you are inside to others. You like a bit of mystery? I’m just trying to wrap my head around someone who is successful at catching the fish, but always releasing them back into the wild. I mean it happens, man there are so many movies about it. But this is real life 🙂

Being an only child can have certain effects on one’s life. For instance, if you were the center of attention as a child, then not much (IMO) changes over time. This makes sense, there was only one of you 😉 But it does bring the question of your limited attention span to others. It’s like once you have received enough attention you move on. It could be symbolic of your need to be appreciated by others, but not judged. We always judge people, it’s a fact that makes most uncomfortable. But this is how we end up with friends, partners etc. By passing judgment on others we either trust them or don’t. It’s just a thought, and i think i’m way off.

I resent having to share my life with anyone.

Maybe it’s that you are just not ready. Maybe you still in the prime of your life and want to play around, it’s more that the relationship side accidentally becomes attached. Almost like a ‘tag along’. So it truly depends on whether you want to be in a relationship right now. Do you? You might find that the timing is not right, hence why you only want ‘crushes’ or partners for a short time. You are filling a temporary void until you move on. But eventually you will want to settle down (permanently fill that void), it’s just not now. You feel an attachment to your previous ex, as an exercise put his name in the middle of a piece of paper and write down the things that make him/ her standout from the rest. What made him more than the others? Hopefully you might be able to see a difference in your previous patterns. Finally, when in a relationship certain sacrifices and sharing occurs (although you state you haven’t had issues sharing), but material possessions is one thing, it’s different when it’s yourself (your emotions, will, beliefs, things that make you who you are). If you aren’t prepared to share part of your life with another, than what’s the point? You wouldn’t be in a relationship, it would be two people living together without really knowing each other until it becomes awkward and moving on as a result.

But then again, and this is my second major point, you haven’t met the right one. I mean you have been with many people and in various relationships, i figure there are still a couple million people out there….you only have to find one 🙂 that’s the good news! You sort of have found someone who is your ex, so maybe the next time will be better. You could just have a different procedure for finding a decent mate, that’s all.

What do think? Again, there is nothing wrong with you…unless you’re doing a ‘species’ on everyone! 😉 I always tell people, that ‘normal’ is socially constructed, that what we think is normal, may be only within our own community, within our own household..even our own mind. So don’t measure yourself to others who just meet one person and settle down, have kids etc. ‘Different’ is normal.

Sincerely,
Matty