Pathofpeace,

Making babies isn’t exactly an easy science, especially nowadays with our societies, environments, lifestyles etc. Of course your mother is looking forward to being a grandmother, it probably has more to do with the fact that she currently feels like she could be achieving more, so naturally raising children would be where she can exert her effort. However, its your choice, or not so much that you can control your wife getting pregnant, but you can certainly keep having a crack and stacking the odds in your favor.

Also, your mother probably has more an old school idea (just assuming) about what a ‘family’ constitutes. However, the past is not the present and as such times have changed. It has always been hard to have children and raise them, but the world was never this uncertain. We have news at our finger tips, we know more now than ever before.

How can I keep people from trying to get into my personal life and let me handle my own?

Basically, deflect such questions as best as you can. Chock it down to the fact that other people want the best for you, and thus want you to have a child because apparently you will be happier. You will conform to the already established order of things. If you have to, make your opinion known, tell people what you really think. No need to be aggressive about it. If they continue to bring it up, then just don’t answer them.

hope this helps
Sincerely,
Matty

Hey Christy,

My question is, do I let it go and attempt to move on? Or do I make one last effort to determine if it’s really the end for my own closure and state of mind?

I guess it comes down to your gut and current feelings. You seem to have come to your own conclusion and are waiting for confirmation from you significant other. Unfortunately you aren’t receiving any answers. What do you want to do, if you had to make a decision right now, what would you do? If he refuses to answer you, then it’s his own fault if you decide to move forward with your life. Clearly if communication is a problem this won’t change automatically if the relationship does resume. If you were to move on, without closure, then make up your own. As Anita has stated above, don’t automatically assume you have done something wrong if you truly believe your not at fault. This just means in future interactions that end up like this you will have to sacrifice your stance to accommodate your SO when he may in fact be in the wrong. This would not be a mutual relationship. Ask yourself, right now, are you happy? If you are in a relationship, what kind is it? Do you want to continue like this?

Hope this helps, post anytime.
Sincerely,
Matty

Tony,

Thanks for the rep.

Maybe I just need to learn to accept me, and to accept how life is at the moment rather than pushing against and trying to have things run my way

Absolutely, it’s actually harder for us to accept the now, it’s like if we accept our current circumstances we are giving up. But this is not true, through acceptance comes understanding. Understanding who you are now, will better reflect who you were before and will help you clearly understand who you want to be in the future. Your right to, ordering a meal is a lot easier to control than ordering a partnership…. well i mean unless you want a mail order bride 😉 But yeah, you can control yourself, control your emotions, your desires, choices etc. You are very powerful and unique, we all are. If you feel like you feel lonely, the best thing to do is to tell yourself, re-affirm that you ain’t a bad catch, since it might not be you, it could all be about timing. Talk yourself up, be your own buddy and cheerleader.
Good luck,
MAtty

Hi tony

I think you have hit the nail on the head by admitting that socital expectations are just that, they aren’t the rule of thumb. Firstly, you are not alone. You are surronded by people who care for you. Humans in a sense are the true form of greed. Wanting to be happy and wanting things that can make us happy…its selfish. Eventually it consumes us. We equate our worth and value to societal possessions, it gives us our identity our purpose, it puts us inside the circle. What you need to do is trust in your decisions and beliefs. Don’t go back and try again if all you desire is not to be lonely. It is in a lonesome time that we develop our understanding of who we are.

Secondly, it is ‘normal’ to fear the unknown. You have questions about your destination. Accept the fear of the unknown qccept that no matter what, you will have urself. As anita said online dating websites may be the key for you. If you want something serious then I’m sure you may find some people on there. As for being alone forever….Honestly, right now….do you need a partner? Do you feel empty because you don’t have someone that validates you? Because to ke, it seems you have many people who see u for who u are. And if theres anything I have learnt in my short life span….love comes in different forms and we don’t need all those forms to be happy. Tony, im not quite sure if I have helped, but your not alone. Take ckmfort in this. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be happy. That can never end well.take comfort that on day, but when u least expect it….she will come across your path.
Best of luck
Matty

Hello Tre,

Ah, the illusion of control. A truly philosophical debate; if we control our actions, that means fate and destiny are non-existent, nothing is meant to be, we are in control, the drivers. If we aren’t in control then we seemingly have no power to begin with and choice is an illusion, everything will happen irrespective of the actions or course taken.

Why is control so important to you? Although we all want to control things/actions we can’t, why do you want to control the uncontrollable? Every waking moment, you are making choices. These choices are control. You can ultimately control your own actions. Even if someone/s influence, manipulate or force you into a position, you are still in control, you can still make a choice, unless mind control has been invented you still have the ability to go left, right up, down etc. Usually someone who has control issues has, in the past, not had control. Is there something in your past that you experienced due to the loss of control, or no control at all?

You can actually control quite a lot. You can control yourself for one, and you control your choices. I would say that you are in control. With control comes power, power of the mind and soul. What else would you want to control?

When plans change at the last minute, I become increasingly anxious

I want to finally dwell on this for a moment….
Organisation is natural. Some people like myself cannot work in an untidy environment. I loathe mess, its always easier to maintain something clean rather than keep it dirty. Tre, i think the reason you get anxious, the reason you feel that you are in a void, down the rabbit hole, is because being organised and controlling of your actions is not enough. You want to control the outcome. Planning a night out, you have a mental checklist of things to do (as an example), if things aren’t checked off it means your mental idea of what would be, cannot be. You are so set on the finish line, you have forgotten how to appreciate the details of the journey. It’s like you believe your actions will solely control the future outcome. In order to ascend from the rabbit hole, you need to come to terms with the notion “You cannot control the future”. For every action there is a reaction, but this reaction is truly only influenced by you, not controlled.

Nothing will help you climb out faster than your understanding and letting go of the illusion of control. You are controlling not only becuase you may not trust others and their choices, but you don’t trust yourself. You don’t trust yourself to make a choice in the heated moment, in a tight spot. You use passivity to push yourself away from tough choices and challenges. I was like you once before, i believed that if i controlled everything, the result would be ideal, no challenge would present itself. To this day, nothing i have ver done has gone to plan. So ironically, i would make more plans, Hoping the new plan would be better than the last, it never was. Their is only so much i could control, but ultimately i had to learn to trust my gut, trust myself.

You like many people hold onto perceptions, outcomes, hopes and dreams that we can’t actually attend because we have no control over whether or not they can happen. A young person who wants to become a movie star can push them self, can audition, can literally control the school they go to, the people they speak to, but they can never control what people think of them, can’t control where they will end up. They can, like all us, only try our very best and hope that we can make it. You just have to believe in yourself that the choice you make is the right one at the time.

“Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind” Christian Larson

If you have more questions or thoughts, please continue to post here.

Sincerely,
Matty

Hey Anyone,

I don’t have the experience, so hopefully someone with experience or better insight then my own will come around soon. I’m just going to give my suggestion based on my own thoughts and feelings.

Since it has happened suddenly, I’m unable to accept that someone whom I knew as a colleague feels so much for me. Also, I want to take the next relation at a slow pace and understand the person well before committing.

Your right, everything has moved incredibly quickly. One must question why after two years has he just said something recently? Personally, someone with such strong feelings and yet couldn’t express them doesn’t seem like he is going to be the most emotional available person. Until you understand why he feels so much for you besides the; ‘you’re intelligent’ ‘you’re beautiful’ ‘i’m nothing without you’ then i would proceed with caution. It might be he is more invested in you than you are with him. And if you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. Don’t push yourself to change for someone simply to fit into their agenda/ timeline.

Doesn’t give me time and space to think and answer, bossy attitude, brags about a lot of things about himself

In two months, you have already found three things that you dislike about your partner. You can’t change the makeup of someone. You can improve someone and influence them, but you cannot change someone unless they really want to. So far, all he says is ‘sorry’ which to me means he isn’t changing like he said he would try.

Follow your heart/ gut (whichever you like more 😉 ask yourself:
Why wasn’t he a friend before?
What do you like about him?
Do I like him only because he likes/ loves you?
Do i even want to be married?
What is our future? Do we have a future?

You don’t have to reply, these are more for you to reflect upon. If you want to ask a question please post again.

Sincerely,
Matty

Hi Karlo!

I think i might be able to give you some advice….i’m a linguist (in training) and spend all my time devoted to the study of languages and studying them!

HERE IS MY PROBLEM: When a teacher says something new, I can understand her but 5 minutes after that when we are doing something that will test what we have learned just 5 minutes ago I am just blank page

This is normal. I have a couple of questions first:
1) what is your native language? (or the language you feel most proficient in?)
2) What are your current study habits?
3) How long are your classes, since it’s intensive i assume anywhere between 3 -6 + hours a day?

Once you have answered these questions, i can give you more suggestions; until then i will give you the low down on language learning.
Firstly, language learning is a skill, so don’t put yourself down and call yourself stupid. Language, especially German are not easy languages, heck Chinese is easier than German [i study korean and chinese] (no gender, grammar similar to English). German is only superseded by Russian, which is like an angry beast!! You have proven in the past that it’s not so much that you can’t memorise or intake what your learning, it’s just that those methods you used to pass Engineering courses are not effective when they come to German language learning. A different approach is needed. What that approach is, well that’s up to you. The most effective learning method is the one that works for you (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise), so try different ways; online tutor, online language forums like (italki & duolingo), specific german language websities etc.Look up learning methodologies. Ask your teacher.

Secondly, most learning may occur in the classroom, most understanding and reinforcement occurs outside the classroom. So, don’t feel bad or anxious about not being able to answer something that you only learnt 5 mins ago. Your mind is NOT geared to uptake (learn) everything it hears and sees. That would be impossible, our minds are more like computers, both have limited memory space, computers are just better at prioritizing what to know and learn. As long as you take some notes, and reflect and review after the class, don’t worry about answering the questions in the class. Take your class time as a way of ‘learning’ the materiel and ‘review’ afterwards. You can blow them away during testing times 🙂 You have 4 months which is heaps of time, don’t focus on the exams in a negative or ‘doom-gloom’ light. Many language learners do this (i’m in the lang. building right now with them and it’s only first week, emotions are running high 😉 !!) and they put so much pressure on themselves to perform to a level higher than they can realistic achieve in a certain time frame.

I am a part of a program where I am obligated to pass the exams of A1, A2 and B1 Levels of foreign language

What will the exams be like? written i assume, but what else? because if you are aware of what ‘kinds’ of exams you will be doing in the future then you can actually prepare to ‘pass’ the exams. Anyone can pass an exam, passing exams is a skill in of itself. Also don’t look at the exams as the end point, exams only test your ability to recall information that they want, not the knowledge you have gained! We always have more knowledge, but in most cases we can’t always recall it.

I will end my advice on this last note, once you answer the above questions i can help out some more.
Try to monitor your emotions. Even though your saying you don’t care that others say things about you in the classroom (which i highly disagree with and the teacher should be stopping this, they are after all not German! stick a native speaker in front and watch them breakdown!!) just be aware that in language learning, no matter the language, our emotions provide stability, if our emotions (concerning the learning process) aren’t stable it can make us anxious and perform under the level you can achieve.

Am I just simply stupid? I just can’t get the things right away anymore!

Like this, this is destroying your confidence! There are many ways to control your anxiety within a classroom (technically a teacher trained, no matter where should try to create a ‘good’ learning environment that promotes learning):
1) Focusing on your goals (motivation)
2) People are still people (sameness) –> Whether they be teachers or students everyone is still human, they want you to pass, they want you to give it a shot. ask questiond, talk to your teachers in german, if you make the effort, it can open doors.
3) Check your emotional temperature (monitor) –> if you get a little too over your head, you start getting angry at yourself in class, take a walk outside for a couple of miniutes, take a break, refocus. When do you feel like you have conquered the world? When do you feel happiest? try to duplicate these feelings to make your learning more enjoyable.
4) Ask questions (if unsure, just ask, even if its already been covered there will always be someone else that will benefit)
5) evaluate your learning (being unbias, what’s your current ability? how could you improve? what are you trying to achieve? etc.

We learn this stuff and more at university, but type into a search engine indirect strategies in language learning and this will probably give a better overview.

Once again, it’s not that your wired differently, just that learning a language in a classroom can be often times be quite stressful and not always the most effective way of learning a language. Everyone is at different levels, different skills etc. Try not to put yourself down, or compare yourself to other students. Ask other students who you think are more advanced than you, “what/ how do you learn?”, you can learn a lot among your peers too! Also don’t let your ability to learn a language be a reflection of your worth or value. If learning a language was easy, everyone would be polyglots.

Sincerely,
Matty

Kate,

I do find it interesting that you have been together for 5 years before marrying. Not that i saying it’s strange or anything. But perhaps since it’s fairly early into the marriage after being together for so long, maybe your husband is dealing with certain expectations he might of had when you both married. Maybe there is this ‘pressure’ to married life he was unaware of, whether it exists or not is irrelevant, the perception it’s real is more than enough. Maybe the direction was intended to be different? Did you guys have any particular goals or directions where you wanted to go? Have either one of you drastically changed after marriage?

I don’t know if this has affected my husband but for the first few years of our relationship, it was centred on his mum and her treatment.

This might sound really really strange, but maybe the fact that life centered around his mother was the balancing act, the one thing that didn’t change, was his mother’s treatment towards him. He expected it, in a way. It’s kind of like, being given a candy for just being yourself. It’s nice, but after a couple more times you get used to it, you stop questioning why this is happening and accepting it. Eventually it becomes just a burden you accept. This is in your husband’s mind = stability (i’m just assuming, hope to be wrong). It seems to me that your husband’s mother played quite a big role, it could be because he may not of had enough closure (maybe he wanted to say something to her, tell her something?)that he feels something is off.

It’s only now that everything seems to be going right for us (job, home etc.) that this has come up

Yeah, this is great news! maybe it’s because your husband has time to catch his breath, maybe he has had time to reflect, maybe he feels he hasn’t earnt everything he has in his life now, everything from the job, to the home….even you. When your in the thick of it you go from motion to motion in order to achieve your goals, you put your head down and go for it.

Has he spoken to you again recently? Seen the counselor? I’m just trying to think of any questions to ask to understand more about this situation. I know you are confused, but you know him better than i ever could, or anyone here….has he changed? Have you changed? Sometimes the smallest of details can influence bigger ones.

What do you think?
Matty