I can be straightforward, I do have a temper. But I’m also genuine, if I think something random I’m gonna say it, this

My compulsiveness wasn’t about doing but about being. It was like I always tried to start afresh, picking a new sense of self and intention cause I apparently had anything better to do. I spent my teen years in a state oof non life, I desperately felt the need to adjust myself and become something, because I felt so much lack so much envy and jealousy. I saw peers with cool groups, cool likes, cool social skills, cool boyfriends. I felt like I had nothing and in a rush to not miss the best of my teen years I actively missed them. I missed experiences and proper real crushes that weren’t about total strangers, I missed crazy stuff to do with friends cause me and my friends were somewhat incompatible but still we put together cause we hadn’t no one else to go to. Pitiful right? I wasn’t getting responsible and starting focusing on studies or tasks or developing real life skills but my mind was getting sick, I started feeling soulless, me myself was getting sick. Youth is supposed to be about feeling alive, joyous and fresh but I wasn’t nothing of this, I started to become a zombie. Social settings were a pain because I could never nail something right and I wasn’t enough for anyone. My jokes were dismissed as awkward, my words as low key dumb, there was so much passive aggressiveness involved. My mind lived in such a weird way that by the time I was 18 my phobias and mental musings were on such weird and abstract questions that I couldn’t keep track of or understand them fully myself. It’s getting a little better now cause I’m learning how to not stay stuck in nonsensical and twisted matters but I recorded most of them in my diaries cause they gave me unbelievable dread I don’t think talking about them helped me grasp them neither. It was so scary and absurd. thanks God I’m no longer there.  Now taking in consideration that I may suffering from some mental disorder doesn’t worry me but soothe me cause at least I know how to define myself and what my non sense inner self comes from

yes, I definitely agree that daydreaming so much about being watched has to do with not feeling acknowledged enough irl. I once tried hard to stop it but now I no longer try. It gives me pleasure and I can use it as a fuel or creative method to envion what I want in life, once I tried hard to suppress or rejected certain sides of me but now I’m slowly learning to accept it all and accept myself just as I am. I tried so hard to pick a personality or pick a “me” to be, it was sooooo obsessive and methodical. There was no spontaneity left in my life, I had no life to live because this life of mine was put in hold for when I was “prepared”, for when I had created a certain me to be and present to the world. Thanks God I’m letting of this madness and work in healing myself in less of a compulsive way

By the way, I was thinking about my child self again lately and I stumbled on how I always connecting and longing for fantasy worlds and characters I saw in tv or in books, fantasy worlds felt so good to me, like my soul was at peace. I felt in my soul like I belonged to some Narnia, or sailing with pirates, or up with aliens, I craved to be there living adventurously and magically. I called it “home”, I dreamed that I was some lost princess that after living as a muggle was going back to fight the evil and take my place again. Do you believe in past lives? Because I definitely feel like I either had a past life in some Middle Age scenario or travelled the world

There’s a lot to say about it! Since I was a little kid nothing gives me more pleasure than daydream about certain kind of romance. I either got deeply interested in certain cartoons or show pairings or I got my own and it was like it til my teen years and beyond. Often I daydream(ed) about it as third person perspective but I also dreamed about romance and intimacy with the few deep crushes I had and have, it’s like a drug

Sometimes I think that I’m definitely made to be in partnership, but not with anyone but with someone that I’m strongly interested in. Unfortunately most of the guys who really knocked to my door were either incompatible with me or didn’t ignite interest in me, so that’s why I’m still somewhat inexperienced

Yes I’m going to have a rent with other mates around my uni except for the weekend when I’ll be back home. I try to keep conversations with my mother on light subjects but I don’t think she really likes that, what triggers me is that I’m also ashamed to admit my empty dating life to her as to everyone else, that’s what mostly make me shut in

yes your thesis makes sense to me. I guess the major issue in my relationship with my mother at this point is putting up some boundaries while not ghosting her totally.

Well as I already mentioned, she is prone to be pessimistic, heavy or theatral on stuff. Even when I was little she was very melodramatic in her gestures of negative feelings and sometimes she gave a heavy vibe to me and she also often uses to pity others, stressing that they look depressed or troubled maybe when it’s not even the case at all. She can’t simply do small talks she clearly would like me to talk about my crushes, be more externally affectionate or even melodramatic myself, talk about heavy stuff. I used to share myself more with her but I no longer like to talk about my mental illness or be reminded about it, I don’t like to feel like some kind of nutcase or internally dark or fucked up and the reason I don’t like to talk with her is because she go to act like a psychologist trying to make deep heavy sessions out of people. Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing but I’m already pretty heavy myself and I’d like lighter, positive interactions about life and things