Thanks for the understanding and kind words. Reading my old threads and most of your comments I’ve noticed surprisingly similar stories between you and me. For example you had an overbearing mother, ocd at a young age and a sense of being an outcast and it’s very similar to what I experienced since I developed a full blown ocd at 16 as well. Do you feel it’s more easy now to build relationships with other? If yes what caused the change? I think what personally pains me in relation with others is that most often I can’t help but feel taken by intense overwhelming uncomfortableness, cringeness, discomfort. Sometimes it’s very very strong, even if it’s small talk or things like that. Like I just don’t have chemistry or way to connect to the other next to me and the overall vibe or what I feel is intense cringeness

What you said about proper socializing being about being seen, heard and basically acknowledged is what hit me the most. That’s how I could sum up my negative feelings about my socializing experiences so far that I couldn’t exactly pin point before: not truly feeling like I’m seen, heard, met, most of the time.. almost being like an object. This happened to me a lot, or at least, that’s how I’ve been feeling, at school, in teams, often also in family. I guess that’s why I’m so sensitive to feeling left out or people being indifferent to me triggers me a fucking lot.

Why do you feel like I’m not into elaborating? Forgive me if I may give a closed off impression but lately I do enjoy opening up about my struggles, I’m careful about the words I use cause I don’t want to make my mother look like some kind of evil narcissist that she isn’t also

By the way, the reason she didn’t allow was because I was not going with people I already knew, as far as I can remember, and because she didn’t want to give me the money to take the tickets as soon as they were available. I had found some peers that were going but she just blocked me, and this pissed me off greatly, I gave both of my parents silent treatment for at least 1 week.

surely I have some resentment and negative feelings towards my family as a whole, but also I’m angry at myself, at some of my life/story circumstances, some of my friends also.. but I would be pretty glad to explore that anger as you suggest.

about the events.. it really left an impression on me how some musicians (that were REALLY matterful) to me just came in my country for very first times and I looked forward to it even as a changing point in my life because at that point it was really miserable (I was just silently battling again with my mental health) and I needed something in real life that could motivate me to feel alive and change truly.. however they didn’t allow me to go, she also made it about her  parading how she works hard for us and that we shouldn’t talk back to her, I rarely go out of my town and I looked forward even as a chance to take some fresh air and bond with people that finally had some common interests but my parents almost couldn’t care less about it oh well fuck them

She also make drama queen scenes whenever it happened that either me or my sister came home too late in isolated occasions, crying and making it about her. It frightened me so much that I never come home too late again unless I explicited it to her before leaving

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Gaia.

Yes. Sometimes I feel like I was born angry or easily triggered by seeing injustices. I remember pulling my dolls hair in spite or getting angry over seeing injustices in tv ecc

anita

Dear Gaia:

I am trying to understand: you wrote that you never talked about people offending your mother, talked to whom?

I meant here in this thread, I never mentioned that my mother lamenting in my childhood was about people offending her (I meant, she lamented her hard work, health stuff like this, mostly and yes, her being easily offended and taking things personally can be included too but now I wasn’t talking about this) and my reactivity towards injustice so, wasn’t about her being offended by people but it was general, I was easily annoyed, angered, if I ever catched what I considered an injustice it moved me, I also have a bad confrontational side and so I linked to some childhood episodes of mine in which I could easily get into confrontations or fights (it happened also I was bullied by a peer)

I hope it makes sense, if not, let me know

It’s kind of as you stated. Also since ever I remember, I’m pretty short-fused and easy to annoy/anger, I was also a big justice fighter (it’s something I have innate in me) I’m Always prone to speak up so sometimes even thought I don’t want I can get into confrontations, as a Young girl I happened sometimes to clash with peers, once one girl bullied me.

“extra sensitive” because she’s emotional, attuned to Others feelings and on the bad side, touchy. She’s easily moved to tears

“victimist” it links to touchy. She’s emotionally expressive and on the bad side, overwhelming, lamenting and self-pitying, and so it links to “easily offended” she can take personally even things that don’t revolve around her.

I’m now starting to comprehend that the main issue with my mom about childhood was that she was often absent for work, ever since I was very little. She was caring when she was home, but even tired or “dramatic” in emotional expressions, I think this instilled a certain anxiety or heaviness in me, I’m touchy and emotional on my own ways too